23/03/2017 EastEnders

What would I do with Louie?

Well, we can take him with us.

I don't suppose the meeting will last longer than an hour or two

and it's only the community centre, so if he kicks off,

you can always bring him home.

Hey. That's not the new one, is it? Let's have a look.

Hands off. I'm just still sorting out all the settings and that.

Worth losing your phone, isn't it?

If you're going to get a free upgrade.

Pleased to see you too, Steven.

Oh, sorry, Jane. You all right?

Why aren't you at work?

Well, Dad's letting the new guy run the kitchen -

so we have the night off.

So you can come too.

There's a meeting at the community centre.

Council cutbacks and what we can do about them.

It's not my idea of a night out, either,

but Denise has gone to a lot of trouble. It's the least we can do.

Right yeah, it's just, Dad kind of has something planned.

-DOOR OPENS

-Evening.

Look what I got - The International Finance Strategy Game.

I thought we could have an old-fashioned evening of family fun.

I'll just get my suit off.

Do we have to?

I'm not going to tell him.

-You'd rather go to that meeting?

-I'd rather go out.

I know they were helpful after the crash,

but sometimes the council can be useless.

I phoned them and I said...

"Last week our bins were collected on Saturday.

"They should have been collected on Friday."

"Oh, dear," she said, "did you not get the e-mail?"

"No, I did not get the e-mail," I said.

Not all of us check our computer every 15 minutes.

And then I said, "What about people who aren't online?

"How are they supposed to know? Carrier pigeon?

"Telepathy?" And that, apparently, is abuse. "I'm sorry," I said.

"I didn't realise that sarcasm was abuse." And then she hung up.

You see this meeting, it is so important.

It's time we started fighting them back.

Perhaps they didn't get the e-mail.

You see, that's the whole point.

I had 100 of them leaflets photocopied and I gave them

to that American boy to deliver.

What American boy?

You know, the one that's staying with Michelle.

Oh, dear.

Kush, did you get one of those leaflets about tonight

-pushed through your door?

-Don't think so.

What about you?

Would this be the same American boy who was brought home by the police?

Dennis, it's seven o'clock. It's not on.

Call me the minute you get this.

Dennis?

I wonder if he'll embarrass the life out of me

and be brought back by the cops too?

Look, about that...

I don't want to hear any more excuses, Preston - I'm sick of them.

OK, well, you do believe I was not with Bex?

If it'll shut you up, I'll believe anything.

Give me a kiss.

I don't want to give you a kiss.

I think you will when I tell you

what I've got planned for us tonight.

Go on.

I feel really bad about what happened.

So I want to make it up to you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm taking you out to eat.

I've got a table booked for 7.45.

So, go get dolled up, baby.

Hang on...

I know what you're thinking. "We'll be seen." So what?

People go out together all the time.

But we can't afford it.

Yes, we can. I got a money transfer through. So, we're rich!

It's my way of saying sorry.

-DOOR OPENS

-Please?

Is that you, Dennis?

Dennis?

It's like I said - he's playing you.

So, be nice - it'll confuse him. Trust me.

-Hey, Denny boy. School OK?

-I guess.

-Have you been eating fish and chips?

-So?

So nothing. Just saves you from having to cook, right?

-See you, then.

-See you, kiddo.

That fooled him. So are you going to get changed?

I can't just leave him here on his own.

Louise can babysit.

It's her drama club auditions tonight.

And how long is that going to be?

Come on - what's the worst that can happen?

-There you go, my little darling.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy.

What's the matter?

Wish you were out having it large with Lauren again?

What? All that build-up and you didn't have a good night?

No, it's just, sometimes it don't click, do it, you know?

-Not the end of the world.

-No.

MESSAGE ALERT SOUNDS

That's weird.

Why? Who's it from?

Well, it doesn't say. Just says "Help!

"Dying of boredom. Rescue me!"

Who'd send you something like that?

Yes! And that is Buy Out!

Lauren, Lauren, Ian's talking to you.

Sorry? What?

Dad's just landed on your hedge fund.

And, I am going to play my leverage card,

which means I can buy all your stocks and derivatives

for half price, which is a nice, round, cool, two billion.

-Thank you very much.

-What?

-There you go.

That's all right, it's not that bad.

You throw a two or a six next go,

you can land on Jane's property portfolio.

I mean, that's a great development opportunity.

I mean, kick out all the tenants, you're quids in. Thank you.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Your go.

Hello?

Do you know, I thought it would be you.

Have you got a new phone already?

Oh you're kidding me?

I'm so sorry.

-When did this happen?

-What are you talking about?

The thing is, I'm sort of in the middle of something here.

Where are you?

I'm at the pub.

Don't be ridiculous, all right? You come first.

I'll be straight round, yeah?

-Who was that?

-Whitney - she's in a bit of a crisis.

I'm going to have to go round there.

I've just landed on your hedge fund!

She's my best mate.

Of course you've got to go, Lauren.

How long are you going to be?

I'll let you know.

We're going to have to start all over again.

I thought it started at seven.

No, no, it's fine.

No, no, Carmel, don't worry about it, it's not your fault, is it?

See ya.

Honey, did you get a leaflet through your door today about the meeting?

Well, neither did Carmel.

And now Craig the cat's got diarrhoea, she's not coming either.

What leaflet was that?

You explain.

I'm going to go have a word with that young man.

And if I'm not back in ten minutes, I'll be up on a murder charge.

What's so bad about a board game, anyway?

Ian Beale channelling his inner Donald Trump -

do I need to say any more than that?

What time are you off later?

Why?

Thought we could go out.

Lauren, you've already got a bloke.

This is where you tell me how lucky I am again, is it?

Well, yeah.

If you don't want to think about yourself, then think about Louie.

You know, you're risking everything here.

What's the matter?

Look, I'll have to clear it with Mick,

but take yourself upstairs, put the kettle on.

I'll join you in a bit, OK?

Louise's phone is switched off.

-So?

-Oh, come on, Preston.

I was left home alone when I was his age and guess what?

No burglars broke in, no nothing.

I don't trust him.

How long's she going to be?

An hour? What's the worst he can do?

I'm responsible for him.

We'll be back before his bedtime.

Please?

Or is this your way of punishing me, still?

KNOCKING

Who's this?

-All right, all right, I'm coming.

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

-Is he here?

-Is who here?

-That Preston!

-Is there a problem?

-Because he was supposed to have been delivering...

-Oh lovely, there... Wow.

-What's going on?

You were supposed to have been delivering these!

Sure. And I will. In the morning.

But the meeting is tonight, you doughnut!

No need to talk to him like that.

Can you actually read? Here, look.

I thought when it said "tonight" it meant tomorrow night.

Are you terminally thick or what?

Excuse me. He's said he's sorry.

There's no need for language like that.

Do you know how many people turned up tonight?

Four. Four - including me.

Have your money back. Jeez.

Wow - do you think that that is going to sort it?

Do you have any idea how much it costs to hire that community centre?

To have these leaflets printed?

And you think, "I'll give her a tenner back,

-"that'll sort it, won't it?"

-All right, you've made your point.

I don't know how things work over in America, love,

but over here, when we say we're going to do something, we do it.

I think you should go, yeah?

Oh, and I heard about him being dragged here by the police.

You want to sort him out, love.

Gobby cow. If it was tonight she should've made that clear.

So you're not mad at me?

No. No, I'm mad at her.

Does that mean you're saying yes to the restaurant?

I never said that.

Please?

As long as we're back here by half nine.

I love you.

So how come you got a new phone, then?

Claimed on the insurance. Biked over at lunchtime.

-How's that for service?

-Lucky you.

Now all I need is a new purple phone case

and it'll be like I never lost it.

Who says things don't make you happy?

You're not happy though, are you?

Do we have to go there?

-I thought you wanted to talk.

-No. Not about that.

Well, what else is it, then?

Well...

if I'm so lucky, how come Steven is over there playing board games

with Ian, instead of spending time with me?

So it's all Steven's fault now, yeah?

I am bored, Whitney. I am so bored I could scream.

OK, but an affair is not going to solve that, is it?

Who said anything about an affair?

Oh, come on! Lauren, it's a temporary fix and you know it.

All right, and say you did get away with it, yeah, so what?

It's still not going to solve nothing, is it?

What if I don't want to get away with it?

Have you phoned him?

-Who?

-Josh.

-No.

-Promise?

Promise.

And promise me you won't.

You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you?

Your dad.

I'm so sorry to interrupt. We've got an hen do downstairs.

-Any chance you could...?

-Yeah...yeah.

-Ta, babe.

Great, now you're abandoning me and all.

Lauren, I just think you need to grow up.

We were just about to wrap up. Did he have an explanation?

When we said tonight, he thought it meant tomorrow night.

Div.

Well, it's not all bad.

We came up with some rather good suggestions in your absence. Honey?

Well, we thought about on Easter Monday,

having like a Fayre On The Square.

A what?

You know - stalls, you know, rides, bring-and-buy...

What, like, to raise money?

Not exactly, no. To raise awareness.

Get people involved.

We're going to have to charge something, aren't we, surely?

Otherwise how are we going to pay for it all?

Yeah, well, that's where your idea comes in.

Yeah, well, you suggested a sponsored bike ride, didn't you?

I hope you ain't looking at me for that.

No not real bikes - exercise bikes.

Teams of people taking it in turns.

Lands End to Walford - something like that.

It's nearly 300 miles. Penny a mile? Soon add up.

That's a bouncy castle and what not paid for, surely?

Yeah. Well, I liked your idea best.

-What's that?

-No, no, it's silly.

-Go on, tell her. Tell her.

Oh, I just thought we could have somebody sitting in the stocks

and throw wet sponges at them, that's all.

I love it.

We are going to have to charge for that one, though, surely,

otherwise people are never going to let up, are they?

Well, a token payment. 20 pence or something.

Yeah, it's just, who's going to be mug enough to volunteer, ain't it?

Well, I say Derek should do it, considering it was his idea.

Come on...

You can't back out now...

All those in favour of Derek going in the stocks, put your hands up.

I think I've got a better idea.

-All right.

-We should have Kush in the stocks....

Yeah?

Only, to make it more interesting,

he should be wearing nothing but a pair of swimming trunks.

-Yeah, well, I will definitely vote for that.

-So would I.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. OK, OK, right.

I will go in the stocks.

And I will wear nothing but a pair of swimming trunks.

And I will submit myself to the wet sponges, OK?

But on one condition....

That Denise does it as well. Only she's wearing a bikini.

Well, there's not a chance of that.

Cos you know, I ain't got a bikini.

I will buy you a bikini, all right? Come on - fair's fair.

If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.

Right, all those in favour?

Sorry!

I think this should go down in the minutes as

"for further consideration"

And we should move on now to Any Other Business.

Louise should be back sometime in the next hour, OK?

Where are you going, anyway?

I've already said. Walford Community College open evening.

Back by half nine at the very latest.

So I want you in your jim jams and ready for bed by then.

-OK.

-Yeah, OK.

Cos I'm trusting you here, Dennis. Don't let me down.

Course he's not going to let you down, are you, Dennis?

You've got my number. Call me if you've got any problems.

-We need to go.

-See you later.

-See ya.

See ya, kiddo.

-Here...

-Not in public.

I want to hold hands with my girl - I want to show you

that I'm proud of you - what's wrong with that?

You know very well.

Yeah, that's right - look away! Pretend like nothing happened.

Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you.

-I'll tell you how you avoid that.

-Oh, yeah?

No more talk of me in bikinis.

Without a bikini, then.

Oi, you two. What can I get you?

Vodka-tonic, please.

What makes you think it would be an affair, anyway?

I mean, can't I just make new friends with someone that

just happens to be a bloke?

You might be able to fool yourself, but you ain't fooling me.

Still no luck, then?

Not unless you count students.

And we don't want any of them, do we?

Oi, Lauren, you ain't got any mates looking for a room, have you?

Fit geezers preferably.

Sorry?

Me, and Jay and are looking for some flatmates who know how to party.

Yeah, but they're not having much luck.

I know how to party.

-SNIGGERS

-Are you serious?

No, she ain't serious.

She's got a baby at home and she's spoken for. Leave her alone.

So, Kush, what am I going to do for a living?

That's easy. Swimwear model.

You are cruising, you are.

Why can't you just take a compliment?

Because the person that's giving them has got ulterior motives.

There's nothing ulterior about it.

-Fancy the pants off you - and I always have done.

-Yeah?

Well my pants are staying very firmly on, thanks all the same.

OK. What have you gone and done now?

What?

Turned yourself into a challenge.

By the way, the special today is fried chicken

with lime salt and Tabasco honey.

Just the burger and the salad for me.

I'll go and get your drinks.

I know it's corny, but I thought it'd remind you of home.

-Stop thinking about Dennis...

-I wasn't.

And concentrate on us instead.

This is what people do.

They go out to eat, they get a little bit drunk...

-..they play footsie.

-Stop it!

They get all touchy/feely in the cab going home and when they do...

-Dennis and Louise will be there.

-So?

-Shh...

One soda for the young man...

And one Margarita for Mom.

Enjoy.

GUNFIRE ON SCREEN

Yes!

There you go.

Thank you.

No problem, guys.

Who cares what she thinks? I love you - that's what matters.

What are you doing?

I thought I heard my phone.

Look, call him. If it's going to make you feel better.

PHONE RINGS

-Yeah?

-Are you all right?

What did you want?

-Is Louise back?

-No, not yet. Why?

Just checking to see you're all right.

Why wouldn't I be?

What have you been doing?

-My homework.

-Now I really am suspicious.

Just let him be.

What have you been up to?

I thought you were going to trust me!

-He's just hung up on me!

-Don't phone him back.

No, I have to..

I thought tonight was about us.

No, that's what YOU said.

Preston! Don't be so immature.

Maybe I AM immature.

See you around, Mom...

All right - let's just say for argument's sake -

I DID have an affair.

No, I'm not having this conversation with you.

No, I'm just being hypothetical.

No, you ain't. Don't you remember what happened with Jake?

That was different. Why are you getting so steamed up for?

Why does everyone? It's only sex.

Only sex?

-Yeah.

-Oh, come on.

Why is it any different to any other bodily function? Like eating?

Or going to the toilet?

-Or blowing your nose?

-Lauren, it's completely different.

Yeah, I know, but why? That's what I'm asking.

Where's this going?

I'm just making conversation.

No, you ain't. You're trying to ask my permission, ain't you.

-Eh?

-I can read you like a book.

You know what,

I dunno why I bother - Ian's board game was more fun than this.

It's ridiculous. I can't believe this is still here.

I mean these go for a couple of hundred shots, these do.

Now if I wasn't a decent fella, I'd nick it and I'd sell it and I'd

earn some readies - it ain't like we couldn't do the with money, is it?

Yes, mate?

Right, we should be heading home.

Why? It's not like you've got to get up early for work, is it?

No, but you have. So, come on. Chop chop.

Bit of vodka back at my flat.

Nice try.

I'm just talking about a drink.

Liar.

Right, let me walk you home then, come on.

Kush. Kush, I am a grown-up.

Yeah, I know.

Go on, then. Read it out.

"Corporation Tax.

"Pay the exchequer 20% of last year's gross profit."

-About time.

-But what you're both forgetting, is on my last go,

I moved all my taxable income to the Virgin Islands.

So you can both forget it.

Oh for goodness' sake.

-Roll the dice, your go.

-Do we have to? You're clearly going to win.

We don't know that for sure, do we? Come on, roll the dice.

He just wants to make us suffer.

DOOR SLAMS

You all right?

You still at it, then?

Yeah - and we've had a brilliant time.

-Well, you have.

-So, what was up with Whitney?

Oh, yeah, it's all sorted.

Louie all right?

Yeah, not a peep.

I think I might just go up and have a bath.

Are you all right, Lauren?

Yeah. You carry on with your board game.

-Should I go after her?

-Why?

She's just been a bit funny the last couple of days.

It's probably just hormones. Come on, your go, roll the dice.

Yes!

Are you not going to invite me in then?

Well, Patrick's in there watching telly.

Come back to mine, then.

Come on, it's not like I'm going to jump you, is it?

Yeah, well, it's not really you I'm worried about.

I don't get it.

So if you want to and I want to,

so what is the problem?

You know... Life - it's complicated enough.

You've given me hope now, though.

I'll see you later.

CHATTER IN DISTANCE

How long you been back?

I dunno. About ten minutes?

I'm sorry about before.

Yes!

Switch it off.

When we've finished this battle.

Don't argue with me.

In a minute. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We've lost everything now, you idiot!

Do not call me an idiot.

Where did you get this game?

I borrowed it.

Don't lie to me.

What's this?

-Where did you get it?

-Give the kid a break, will you?

I'll deal with you in a minute. First things first.

-Where did you get the game?

-I saved up for it.

So how come when it came to paying for the meal in the

restaurant just now, my card was refused?

Don't look at me.

I had over 50 quid in that account the other day,

now it's empty.

Someone's been using my card. I think it was you. Well?

We was having fun till you came back.

Dennis.

Dennis, come back here!

So how DID you pay for the bill?

Put it on the credit card. Which is almost maxed out as it is.

So what's the problem?

Are you serious?

Just take it out of his allowance or something. It's not a big deal.

You know what he's been up to, don't you?

He's been blackmailing me!

-About what?

-What do you think?

He knows about us?

Yes!

I'm not ashamed, Michelle.

You really have no idea, do you?

That's your thing, Michelle, not mine.

Oh...

just go away.

Why are you mad at me for?

You just abandoned me in the middle of the meal!

Cos you were being a pain in the butt.

You spoiled tonight, not me.

-What?

-You're just a kid, really, aren't you?

If I'm just a kid,

you're just a moaning old woman.

Preston! Preston!

-Whitney?

-Just a sec.

Listen to me. I need you to look up flights to Sofia, OK?

-Johnny, what are you doing?

-What, what, why?

Just do it, OK? I need you to look up Sofia, it's in Bulgaria.

-I need you to do it now.

-Why?

-Dad, I want to come too.

-Can you tell me what's going on, please?

You're not coming, you've got exams.

Tamwar just called - Nancy's been hit by a car in Bulgaria.

What? Is she all right?

She's in hospital. I don't know.

I don't want the cheapest flight, I want the earliest flight.

-Can we afford this, Dad?

-No, of course we can't.

Now this is Ollie's account details.

There's 1,500 quid in there.

I want you to put it all into my account.

I want you to do it now, OK?

Yep.

-I've found a flight, OK? 7.30 in the morning.

-Book it.

I'm going to ask you one last time.

Did you or did you not use my card to buy that game?

Do you want me to go online now and check my statements?

Do what you want.

That's your idea of a confession, is it?

What's your mum going to say when I tell her?

-You tell her about me and I'll tell her about you.

-You know what?

Go ahead.

We've been warned about people like you at school.

What do you mean, "people like me"?

Paedophiles. Cos you are, aren't you?

You come back here right now, you little brat!

Michelle?