The Eve of St John Father Brown


The Eve of St John

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TWIGS CRACK, RUSTLING

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TINKLING CHIMES

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SHE BREATHES UNEASILY

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Hello?

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TINKLING GETS CLOSER

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Is anyone there?

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SHE SCREAMS

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Now. Following the repeal of England's 1736 Witchcraft Act,

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Pagans are literally coming out of the woods.

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Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

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One such is Eugene Bone,

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self-styled High Priest of Crows Coven in Kembleford.

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Named and shamed.

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Indeed we are.

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Mr Bone denies that the covens are an excuse for...

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This is hardly suitable for a young lady's ears.

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Oh! Don't stop on my account, Reverend Allsworthy.

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-Yes. Um...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Um...Mr Bone denies the covens are an excuse for...sexual orgies,

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claiming, "We merely drink and dance and work a little magic."

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However, when challenged, the...warlock admitted that

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these ceremonies are performed sky clad which is to say...naked.

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Well! It sounds rather liberating.

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-Nakedness is a sin.

-But not a crime.

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Think of the Germans with their Freikorperkultur.

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We don't want their sort in our village.

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Witches or Germans?

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-Either.

-Sorcerers...

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..doing the devil's work.

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You're confusing them with Satanists.

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Witchcraft is a spiritual path,

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which is rooted in nature and the cycle of the seasons.

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They tarnish our reputation and endanger our flocks.

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Which is why the Council has asked that we clergy form a committee

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to report back on the moral threat.

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I assume we can count on your support?

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You can assume that I intend to see for myself before I pass sentence.

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And I suspect that I will find we have nothing to fear.

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-Hey!

-Come on, she's here! Run!

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Ha-ha! Mad witch! For goodness' sake.

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SHE SCOFFS

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Eugene!

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Eugene. There's graffiti all over the wall.

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Although why on earth I should be surprised

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when you persist in exposing us to the world.

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We no longer have to hide in the dark.

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Nor in the full glare of publicity.

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The shopkeeper could barely look me in the eye.

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You chastise me for evangelising?

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You evangelise yourself, Eugene.

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And if you think self-aggrandisement will allay prejudice,

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you're a bigger old fool than...

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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We have visitors. I somehow doubt they'll be friendly.

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Selina Crow?

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Yes.

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Father Brown and Mrs McCarthy from St Mary's

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and this is Miss Windermere.

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Friend of St Mary's Church.

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Are you here to burn us at the stake?

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We're here to invite you to dinner.

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Friday is St John's Eve, which coincides with your summer solstice.

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Litha.

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We celebrate the marriage of the God and Goddess and the union

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that creates the harvest fruits.

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We celebrate the birth of St John, and traditionally,

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locally, it's a time when we welcome newcomers into the community.

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Back in the day, people laid tables outside their houses

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and all were invited.

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We, of course, will be eating in the dining room.

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You're asking us to a Christian feast?

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Think of it more as a knees-up.

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Trust me, they're in short supply round here.

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Let's not dwell on our differences, but embrace our similarities.

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Eat, drink and be merry together.

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-PEOPLE CHANT:

-Hail! Hail! Hail!

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O, Lord of Nature and the Hunt, be with us this night.

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Hail! Hail!

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-Hail! Hail!

-WHIP CRACKS

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O Ancient One, join us, O Horned One, join us,

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Lord of the Greenwood, Lord of the Wild,

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Consort of the Goddess, join us.

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O Goddess, your servant calls you.

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O Horned one, join us.

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Are you ready to suffer to be purified?

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Consort of the Goddess, join us.

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You are about to enter a place beyond imagining...

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..where joy and pain...

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..meet and make one.

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I'm teeing off at noon so this had better be good.

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Reported murder, sir.

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Witness came in first thing this morning and made a statement.

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Milk and three sugars, and don't forget the garibaldis.

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GOLF CLUBS CLATTER

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You haul me in on my day off to investigate

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"ritual sacrifice of a dusky slave maiden",

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as reported by the village soak.

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I thought you'd like to know, sir.

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Which only goes to show how little you know me at all, sergeant.

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You'd have us sup at the devil's table?

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St Peter tells us to give hospitality without complaint.

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I'd have us set an example.

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You did hear what happened last night?

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And last week Goggles Malone said he saw

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a flying saucer over the village hall.

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Perhaps the witches curdled the milk?

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My domestic arrangements leave something to be desired.

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You lost your wife in the Blitz.

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Wife...

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..daughter,

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church and a quarter of my parish.

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I'm sorry.

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My elders sent me here to escape the evil,

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only for the evil to follow me.

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They worship other gods.

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It doesn't make them evil.

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What's with the tree jewellery?

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Charms against evil. This is witches' land.

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Witches' land?

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Has been for centuries.

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Selina Crow inherited the cottage and these woods

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from her aunt, Kathleen Crow.

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Was this aunt also a witch?

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So it was said. But she kept herself to herself. Not like this lot.

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BIRD SQUAWKS

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What was that?

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That, sergeant, was the sound of a wild goose.

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You don't believe in witches, sir?

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I'm a city boy, born and bred. We didn't have witches.

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Maybe it's the lack of woods.

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I don't like the look of it, sir.

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Bad taste isn't a crime.

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And there's no sign of ritual human sacrifice.

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So I vote we leave so I can salvage the remnants of my day off.

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You got something planned with the wife and kids later, sir?

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Keeping as far away from them as possible.

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Sir!

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What now?

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Blood, sir.

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How did you get on, Father?

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I think we face an uphill struggle.

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People fear what they do not understand.

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You surprise me, Mrs McCarthy.

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Never had you down for open-minded.

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Mrs McCarthy's grandmother was a wise woman.

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What you would call a white witch.

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People came from the four corners for her remedies.

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But you'd still find her at Mass on a Sunday.

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Mrs McCarthy's grandmother was a witch? What delicious irony.

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Oh!

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Talking of delicious, what's on the menu, Mrs M?

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Wild mushroom soup, roast lamb and my summer pudding.

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Well, we certainly put on a good spread.

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We?

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Best left to the professionals, isn't that right, Father?

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-I think that's wisest.

-No, she doesn't get off that lightly!

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Here you are, madam.

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I need three pounds of wild mushrooms for my soup.

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I take it you do know what a wild mushroom looks like?

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Oh, ye of little faith.

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Bone, Eugene.

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Crow, Selina.

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You aren't, I take it, man and wife?

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We're handfasted. Our union blessed by the Goddess.

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Bound in body and soul.

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No.

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I'd be obliged if you could account for your whereabouts last night.

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We celebrated the summer solstice with our coveners.

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And this celebration took place where?

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At our place of worship.

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-That would be in Crows Wood?

-Yes. Why do you ask?

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Describe to me what happened at this...celebration.

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The usual.

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We drank and danced,

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and worked some magic.

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Can I ask what the usual dress code is for this sort of occasion?

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The traditional witch's costume - that is to say, the skin.

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Naked.

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Can I ask what this is about?

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The alleged assault of a young woman last night.

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Early 20s, dusky skinned, which makes her easy to identify.

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We don't get a lot of exotics in Kembleford.

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Then I imagine you are looking for me.

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Hello?

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-Oh!

-SHE SIGHS AND LAUGHS

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Reverend Allsworthy. What are you doing here?

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Um...I was just taking a walk.

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Great minds, it seems.

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Hardly. I'm on a fungi hunt.

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And they are elusive little beasts.

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Oh, well, perhaps you need a knight to aid you in your quest.

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Dione Moon.

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D-I-O-N-E.

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M-O-O-N.

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Thank you, Miss Moon. And you were at this gathering last night?

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It was my initiation.

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In the presence of the Goddess, Guardians,

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mighty dead and brothers and sisters of the Craft.

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As the subject of these allegations, we'd be grateful if you share them.

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A reported assault with a whip.

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Ritual flagellation.

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We suffer in order to learn and be purified.

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And a man in a ram's head committing an attack with a sword.

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The High Priest's sword.

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Used to cut the clothes from the initiate.

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Man to woman.

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Woman to man.

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Can you explain why we found blood on the floor?

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My offering of the essence of life to the deities.

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Fortunately, a few drops are usually sufficient.

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So you claim you were unharmed?

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I can prove it, if you like.

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Ritual scourging transcends us to a higher place -

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inflicts pain without damage.

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Would you like a closer look, inspector?

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I think we've seen enough, thank you.

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"Trees which are good for mushroom hunting include

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"beech, oak, birch and pine."

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Do you know your beech from your birches, Reverend Allsworthy?

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I wonder if you would mind a word of advice?

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Fire away.

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I'd have more luck searching for the Scarlett Pimpernel.

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You are young and, dare I say, sheltered.

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This dinner of Father Brown's, it's highly inappropriate.

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I take people as I find them.

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And aside from being partially clothed, I found them to be perfectly charming.

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Well, it is they who have charmed you.

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And I fear they aren't the only ones.

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Father Brown is... He's well-meaning.

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But hardly someone to look to for moral guidance.

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There are things about him I doubt you're aware of.

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I feel as though you're about to enlighten me.

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He has a reputation as a trouble seeker.

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I believe the police find him very tiresome

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and his bishop is just waiting for an opportunity to have him...

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Oops-a-daisy.

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I'm stuck on a root.

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Would you give me a hand?

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I think you already have one.

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Kembleford Police Station.

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Can you give me a precise location?

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Yeah. Well, don't touch anything.

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I'll get reinforcements to you as soon as possible.

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I'll leave you to write up the report. Adios, sergeant.

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Sir, wait!

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A body's been found up at Crows Wood.

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Could this day get any better?

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What were you doing in Crows Wood?

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-We were taking a walk.

-Looking for mushrooms.

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When you found the body, did you disturb anything?

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-No.

-Yes.

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Can't you see Miss Windermere is traumatised?

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Reverend, oh, take a pew.

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Step aside, Padre, your work here is done.

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Female. 20s to 30s judging by the clothes.

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Jewellery, so we can rule out robbery.

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Garments undisturbed so ditto sexual motive.

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Looks like her skull was crushed with a blunt object.

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Query stone. Date of death is anyone's guess.

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Is the police surgeon on his way?

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-He is, sir, yes.

-Er...

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Some time in March would be my guess.

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Oh, pray, do enlighten us.

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Well, the soles of the shoes are covered in bluebell leaves

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which appear in March but no sign of the flowers,

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which bloomed in the second week in April, as I recall.

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And...I also found this.

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Removal of evidence.

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I was about to give it to the sergeant when you appeared.

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I suppose you've had a good snoop?

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Curiosity is not a crime.

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More's the pity or you'd be serving life without probation.

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Shopping lists and household accounts.

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Er...have you seen the last entry?

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Now I suppose you're going to tell us what it means.

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I have no idea.

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What a refreshing change.

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At least there'll be something for the police to investigate.

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What's that round her wrist, sir?

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Some sort of restraint?

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It's a rowan cross.

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"Rowan tree and red thread will tyne the witches speed."

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Oh, riddle-de-dee. In English, please.

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It's a charm. Against witchcraft.

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Reverend Gillespie and Reverend Allsworthy are here, sir.

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Get rid of them.

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I need more pesky priests like a hole in the head.

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Reverend Gillespie and Reverend Allsworthy are HERE, sir.

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Good afternoon, gentlemen. What can I do for you?

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This body in the woods is causing a lot of unsettlement.

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It's early days. We've yet to identify the victim.

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There's speculation it's the Potter girl.

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Dolly Potter, sir. Person reported missing at Easter?

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Dorothy Potter. 23. Bit of a tearaway.

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No suspicious circumstances, ditto evidence of foul play.

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Case was closed.

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She only lived a mile from that godforsaken place.

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And given what Goggles Malone saw...

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Mr Malone's allegation was investigated

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and found to be unsubstantiated.

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Not quite, sir.

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I stand corrected. Found to be down to misinterpretation.

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So if you'll excuse me, my sergeant here will show you out,

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allowing me to get on with my enquiries.

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This way, gentlemen.

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So you didn't manage to bring back a single mushroom?

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You do know, of course, that mushrooms are best picked at daybreak.

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Well, I was rather sidetracked by the discovery of a rotting corpse.

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Yes, well, trust you to find an excuse.

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And you are not going to find the answer staring at that.

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-The word in the village is it's Dolly Potter.

-Ha!

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I appreciate you're not one to gossip, Mrs McCarthy.

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Indeed I'm not.

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But I have it on very good authority that she's alive and well,

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and living in sin with a signalman from Little Bigham.

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And?

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Pam Tickle saw her at Moreton-in-Marsh

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when she was changing for the Bristol train.

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She dropped into the station cafe for a cup of tea and a bath bun

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and there was Dolly Potter behind the counter, bold as brass.

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Angel and saint rolled into one, Mrs McCarthy.

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The nearest station to Crows Wood is Great Pickford.

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And the 4.17 to Moreton-in-Marsh...

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..connects with the 5.03 to London Paddington arriving 7.19.

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GP. MIM. LP.

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She was catching a train.

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Somehow I doubt that.

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What woman would travel from the back of beyond to London

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in the clothes she stood up in?

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With me, Bunty.

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Where are we going?

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Crows Wood.

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Well, you might bring me back some mushrooms while you're there!

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You know, this is a Hundred Acre Wood.

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We've as much chance of finding a bear of very little brain.

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And even if she had a bag, maybe the murderer stole it?

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And leave her jewellery?

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So why not bury it with the body?

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Well, maybe they didn't want their victim to be identified.

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Well, I vote we take a breather and you pray for a miracle.

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God helps those who help themselves, Penelope.

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Father!

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The inspector's going to love us.

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I somehow doubt it.

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Someone packed in a hurry.

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Spelling prize 1931. St John The Baptist Primary School.

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"Eruditio et Religio."

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So we know she was a good speller.

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It also seems she was a witch.

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Lilith's.

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She's...

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she was a member of our coven.

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What can you tell me about her?

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She was a free spirit.

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Her full name would do for starters.

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Lilith Lafitte. She was a poet.

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Quite well known in literary circles.

0:25:010:25:04

When did you last see her?

0:25:040:25:06

The 29th March. The day after our spring equinox.

0:25:080:25:13

And you didn't see or hear from her after that?

0:25:150:25:17

As a member of your coven, didn't that strike you as unusual?

0:25:190:25:23

In your own time.

0:25:240:25:26

We had...a difference of opinion.

0:25:270:25:31

Go on.

0:25:320:25:34

Lilith intended to publish a Book of Shadows.

0:25:340:25:36

What you would call a spell book.

0:25:380:25:41

You'd share secret rites with every Tom, Dick, and Harry

0:25:410:25:44

who strays into a bookshop?

0:25:440:25:45

They were secret only when we were forced underground.

0:25:450:25:48

Now is our time.

0:25:480:25:49

They are not yours to share.

0:25:490:25:50

Nor yours to hoard.

0:25:500:25:52

It's a new world, Selina.

0:25:520:25:54

There's no room in it for retrogrades.

0:25:540:25:57

Then I will not circle with you.

0:25:570:25:59

It would have been a tad melodramatic to throw her out.

0:26:000:26:04

She packed her things and left for the station.

0:26:040:26:07

Did anyone see her leave?

0:26:070:26:09

Are we to assume we're under suspicion?

0:26:110:26:14

We've ruled out robbery and sexual motive,

0:26:140:26:17

which leaves the possibility that she knew her killer.

0:26:170:26:21

So I'd like you all to account for your whereabouts at the time.

0:26:210:26:26

Eugene took to his bed with a migraine

0:26:260:26:28

so I went to get willow bark for a remedy.

0:26:280:26:32

And would these willows be in Crows Wood?

0:26:320:26:35

By the stream. Not near where she was found.

0:26:350:26:40

Which also leaves you unaccounted for.

0:26:430:26:46

I wasn't alone.

0:26:460:26:48

I was with my mentor.

0:26:480:26:50

I was giving her instruction.

0:26:530:26:55

Giving her...instruction.

0:26:570:27:00

Then it would appear that I alone am without an alibi.

0:27:020:27:05

Duly noted, Miss Crow.

0:27:050:27:09

Be sober, be vigilant.

0:27:120:27:17

-For your adversary, the devil...

-SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

0:27:170:27:20

..as a roaring lion, walketh about,

0:27:200:27:25

seeking whom he may devour!

0:27:250:27:28

They come into our community, flaunting heresy.

0:27:280:27:33

And while the police drag their feet,

0:27:330:27:36

well, do we lock up our womenfolk?

0:27:360:27:38

-Or do we protect ourselves?

-Yes!

0:27:380:27:42

CHEERING

0:27:420:27:45

Sorry. Excuse me, it's an emergency.

0:27:460:27:49

Mortal at the very least.

0:27:490:27:50

A mortal sin, no less?

0:27:550:27:57

There's about to be if you don't get to Crows Corner, statim!

0:27:570:28:00

There shall not be found among you

0:28:130:28:15

anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering,

0:28:150:28:20

anyone who practises divination

0:28:200:28:23

or tells fortunes or interprets omens,

0:28:230:28:26

or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer

0:28:260:28:32

or one who inquires of the dead.

0:28:320:28:35

We don't want 'em here!

0:28:350:28:37

ANGRY SHOUTING

0:28:370:28:39

For whoever does these things is an abomination.

0:28:410:28:46

This is getting out of hand. An ordered protest, we said.

0:28:480:28:51

If they don't leave, we'll smoke 'em out.

0:28:510:28:54

Think what you're doing. This is all highly illegal!

0:28:540:28:57

I insist you stop this immediately.

0:28:570:28:59

Burn the witches!

0:28:590:29:02

ANGRY SHOUTING

0:29:020:29:03

Have you taken leave of your senses?

0:29:050:29:08

Shame on you all.

0:29:110:29:13

-Murderers! They're murderers!

-CROWD SHOUTS AGREEMENT

0:29:130:29:16

On what evidence?

0:29:160:29:18

Who else would murder a black-eyed witch but one of their own?

0:29:180:29:23

Does anyone have evidence?

0:29:250:29:27

Shall we have a show of hands?

0:29:290:29:31

No-one?

0:29:360:29:37

Go home, please, all of you,

0:29:400:29:43

before you do something you cannot undo.

0:29:430:29:46

It seems that you are a lone voice in our defence.

0:29:520:29:57

We owe you our gratitude.

0:30:000:30:02

She was very striking.

0:30:070:30:09

It doesn't do her justice.

0:30:090:30:12

She had a hypnotic quality.

0:30:120:30:14

Eyes like pools of ink that could drown you with a stare.

0:30:140:30:19

She hypnotised you. Although it didn't take you long to find a replacement.

0:30:190:30:23

A toast.

0:30:240:30:26

Lilith.

0:30:270:30:29

-Lilith.

-Lilith.

0:30:290:30:30

Miss Windermere! Miss Windermere. Has something happened?

0:30:330:30:37

Oh, haven't you heard?

0:30:370:30:38

Dragged through a hedge backwards is quite the look this season.

0:30:380:30:41

Either that or a sadistic madwoman forced me out into the woods

0:30:410:30:45

at daybreak gather mushrooms.

0:30:450:30:47

Here you are and I hope you're satisfied.

0:30:470:30:50

All this fuss about a bit of honest dirt.

0:30:500:30:53

If you still think of attending this imprudent gathering,

0:30:530:30:56

can I urge you to think of your reputation?

0:30:560:30:59

-I think it's a bit late for that.

-And the reputation of this village.

0:30:590:31:02

Oh, you'd rather it had a reputation for burning people in their homes?

0:31:020:31:05

Last night got out of hand and was...regrettable.

0:31:050:31:10

But what sort of message is this going to send?

0:31:100:31:12

That people are innocent until proved guilty?

0:31:120:31:15

It is you who are the innocent and know nothing of life's depravities.

0:31:150:31:19

You've never spoke a truer word, Reverend.

0:31:190:31:22

Now, what this young lady needs...

0:31:220:31:24

You think I need protection, don't you, Reverend?

0:31:240:31:27

It goes without saying.

0:31:270:31:29

Oh, well, then, in that case, I accept.

0:31:290:31:32

And if it's frightfully dull,

0:31:320:31:34

then I know I can rely on you for entertaining conversation.

0:31:340:31:38

-I think you...

-Yoo-hoo! Minister.

0:31:380:31:39

I've just persuaded the reverend to join us for dinner.

0:31:390:31:42

I don't suppose we can tempt you?

0:31:420:31:44

Mrs McCarthy is making her infamous wild mushroom soup.

0:31:440:31:48

-I think you mean famous.

-I know what I meant.

0:31:480:31:50

I am late for the African orphans.

0:31:500:31:53

So, if you can leave those at the back door

0:31:530:31:55

and I will collect them later.

0:31:550:31:56

I think Miss Windermere's got the wrong end of...

0:31:560:31:59

If we're to be dinner companions, you must call me Penelope.

0:31:590:32:02

If I may call you Peter?

0:32:020:32:03

The evil spreads, and one by one they suck you in.

0:32:030:32:09

-I didn't... I haven't....

-So shall I pick you up at seven?

0:32:090:32:13

I'm so glad you decided to come.

0:32:220:32:24

I'm not here on your behalf.

0:32:240:32:26

Oh, cheer up, it's a party. Of sorts.

0:32:260:32:29

It's home-made. A gift from our guests.

0:32:310:32:34

May I ask what's in it?

0:32:350:32:38

Oh, eye of newt, bat's wool, dog's tongue.

0:32:380:32:41

Chin-chin.

0:32:410:32:42

She's pulling your leg, Reverend.

0:32:420:32:44

Of course. It's very...pleasant.

0:32:440:32:47

Elderflower and rosehip, and we're used to preconceptions.

0:32:470:32:51

The 15th century witch hunter's manual,

0:32:510:32:54

Malleus Maleficarum, states that green eyes are the mark of a witch.

0:32:540:32:59

And those branded should be dragged from their homes and hanged.

0:32:590:33:02

I say, you'd be toast.

0:33:020:33:04

Preposterous.

0:33:040:33:05

Now, dinner is served.

0:33:050:33:08

So if you'd all like to find yourselves a seat.

0:33:090:33:12

Oh, thank you.

0:33:120:33:13

I'm afraid I have to leave. A parish emergency.

0:33:190:33:23

Sick call, an ailing person.

0:33:230:33:27

Don't wait for me. Mrs McCarthy will explain.

0:33:270:33:29

Hello?

0:33:340:33:36

DOOR OPENS

0:33:480:33:50

I hope you don't mind. I let myself in.

0:33:560:33:58

Like you, my door is always open.

0:33:580:34:00

Unless this is another attempt

0:34:000:34:03

to persuade me to your infernal gathering.

0:34:030:34:08

No.

0:34:090:34:11

I'm here about the murdered woman.

0:34:110:34:13

I...know nothing of the witch.

0:34:140:34:18

She was raised a Methodist.

0:34:200:34:21

Her school motto was Eruditio et Religio

0:34:220:34:26

from the hymn by Charles Wesley.

0:34:260:34:29

What if she was? I didn't know her.

0:34:290:34:33

You knew what she looked like.

0:34:330:34:34

Who else would murder a black-eyed witch but one of their own?

0:34:340:34:39

A figure of speech.

0:34:390:34:42

Witches' eyes are generally green. But Lilith's were dark.

0:34:420:34:46

Like pools of black ink.

0:34:470:34:49

Like your wife's.

0:34:510:34:52

I don't see any pictures of your daughter.

0:34:550:34:58

Destroyed...by the Nazis.

0:34:590:35:02

I don't think even the Luftwaffe could be that selective.

0:35:040:35:07

My daughter is dead.

0:35:070:35:09

What is it to you?

0:35:100:35:12

She didn't die in the Blitz.

0:35:140:35:16

She transgressed.

0:35:160:35:18

Crimes so heinous...

0:35:220:35:23

..that her name was struck from the family Bible.

0:35:270:35:30

I can't quite make it out.

0:35:330:35:35

Ruth.

0:35:350:35:36

Her name was Ruth.

0:35:370:35:39

And she was dead to us the minute she sold her soul to those devils.

0:35:420:35:47

'And then ten years later,

0:35:490:35:52

'God in his wisdom returned her.

0:35:520:35:58

'She was writing a book. Spreading the evil.'

0:35:580:36:03

I prayed.

0:36:050:36:07

My God, why do you torment me by bringing her to this place?

0:36:080:36:15

'And then I realised it was a gift.

0:36:150:36:19

'He returned my daughter to be cleansed and restored to the fold.'

0:36:210:36:27

She laughed in my face.

0:36:310:36:33

Now we're free to spread our message,

0:36:360:36:37

the old religion will again reign supreme.

0:36:370:36:40

You will burn in hell.

0:36:400:36:41

There is no hell. No day of judgment.

0:36:410:36:44

And we will not meet again.

0:36:440:36:46

Oh, my God, my God...

0:36:510:36:54

why hast thou forsaken me?

0:36:540:36:58

And then...

0:36:580:37:01

his purpose revealed itself.

0:37:010:37:04

'A man also and a woman that hath a familiar spirit,

0:37:100:37:16

'or is a wizard...

0:37:160:37:18

'..shall surely be put to death.

0:37:190:37:22

'They shall stone them with stones.

0:37:240:37:27

'Their blood shall be upon them.'

0:37:300:37:33

HE CRIES

0:37:350:37:37

You killed your daughter.

0:37:390:37:41

I'm so, so sorry.

0:37:410:37:43

I obeyed the word of God.

0:37:440:37:46

That is not God's will.

0:37:460:37:49

You're blind.

0:37:490:37:51

The evil enters like a needle

0:37:520:37:56

and spreads like an oak.

0:37:560:38:00

The evil is in your mind.

0:38:010:38:04

For your own sake, give up this crusade and seek God's forgiveness.

0:38:050:38:10

It's too late.

0:38:100:38:13

They're all condemned,

0:38:130:38:16

in this life and the next.

0:38:160:38:20

What have you done?

0:38:200:38:22

I sent angels to destroy them.

0:38:230:38:27

Now then. Who'd like to try some of my wild mushroom soup?

0:38:370:38:42

I poisoned evil at the roots.

0:38:460:38:50

Paganism gave birth to Christianity.

0:38:560:38:59

Bequeathed her festivals.

0:38:590:39:01

Easter is named after Eostre,

0:39:010:39:04

the great mother goddess of the Saxons.

0:39:040:39:07

I don't think this is appropriate conversation for the dinner table.

0:39:070:39:10

I'd say it's just taken a turn for the better.

0:39:100:39:13

Stop! Don't...

0:39:140:39:16

..eat the soup.

0:39:170:39:19

Something tells me this isn't good news.

0:39:200:39:23

Gillespie poisoned it with destroying angels.

0:39:250:39:27

What are you talking about?

0:39:270:39:29

Deadly mushrooms. Even half a one is lethal.

0:39:290:39:32

Then we must get to a hospital.

0:39:320:39:34

There's no antidote and the damage is done.

0:39:340:39:36

I'd say we have a week at most.

0:39:360:39:40

But this is not my time.

0:39:400:39:43

A week...and one man I'd spend it with.

0:39:430:39:48

Who would you chose?

0:39:480:39:49

I'll save him the bother.

0:39:490:39:52

You think I want his whingeing to be the last words I hear on this Earth?

0:39:520:39:56

And trust me, he will whinge.

0:39:560:39:58

Take him. You have my blessing.

0:39:580:40:00

Is there one person you would spend your last days with?

0:40:020:40:06

Marlon Brando.

0:40:070:40:09

You joke,

0:40:090:40:11

but I have reason to think that you share my feelings.

0:40:110:40:17

Well, your timing leaves a tad to be desired.

0:40:180:40:21

I understand. You're shy.

0:40:210:40:22

But time is our enemy.

0:40:220:40:24

I'll get a special licence and at least we can die as man and wife

0:40:240:40:28

having been...fulfilled.

0:40:280:40:29

What is all this talk of dying?

0:40:290:40:32

Gillespie spiked the mushrooms with fatal fungi.

0:40:340:40:38

Did he now?

0:40:380:40:40

Then it's a good thing I didn't use them.

0:40:400:40:42

What do you mean?

0:40:440:40:45

I threw them away.

0:40:450:40:46

Oh, thank the Lord!

0:40:460:40:49

We yield thee praise and thanksgiving...

0:40:490:40:51

And these would be the same mushrooms that you forced me

0:40:510:40:55

out into the wood to gather at daybreak?

0:40:550:40:57

I could hardly trust you not to poison us all.

0:40:570:41:00

Even if someone else hadn't got to them first.

0:41:000:41:02

So why make me?

0:41:020:41:04

Because I thought it might keep you out of trouble for a little while.

0:41:050:41:09

But if they had stood in my counsel,

0:41:120:41:14

and had caused my people to hear my words, then that should have

0:41:140:41:17

turned them from their evil way, and the evil of their doings!

0:41:170:41:20

Behold the mouthpiece of the Lord!

0:41:200:41:22

Neither God nor a jury will convict me!

0:41:220:41:25

He's got that right.

0:41:260:41:28

I'll give you 2-1 on the nuthouse.

0:41:280:41:30

Oh! Good morning!

0:41:390:41:41

Good morning!

0:41:410:41:43

I've come to redirect Eugene's mail.

0:41:430:41:47

Oh! We heard you'd given him the heave-ho.

0:41:470:41:49

I think what she meant to say was, "We're sorry about that."

0:41:510:41:54

Don't be. She's welcome to him,

0:41:540:41:57

his arthritis, his ingrowing toenails and his wandering eye.

0:41:570:42:01

Sometimes men are just more trouble than they're worth.

0:42:010:42:05

Seconded. Time I skedaddled.

0:42:050:42:08

You can't dodge him forever.

0:42:080:42:10

For heaven's sake, put the poor man out of his misery.

0:42:100:42:13

Very well, I'll do the dirty deed.

0:42:150:42:17

You've been avoiding me. I know why.

0:42:250:42:28

You do?

0:42:280:42:30

My declaration was sudden and alarmed you.

0:42:300:42:33

Let's just put it down to the heat of the moment.

0:42:330:42:36

And yet I didn't imagine the warmth between us.

0:42:360:42:39

And you still haven't given me your answer.

0:42:400:42:44

Well, the truth is, Reverend...

0:42:470:42:51

Peter.

0:42:510:42:52

The truth is, Peter...

0:42:520:42:54

..I cannot marry outside of my faith.

0:42:560:42:58

I'm Catholic, you're Protestant.

0:42:580:43:00

I'm Montague, you're Capulet and look how well that ended.

0:43:000:43:03

It's an obstacle, I admit, but surely...

0:43:030:43:05

As a man of God, you must understand

0:43:050:43:08

that, well...

0:43:080:43:09

..my faith is stronger than my feelings for you.

0:43:110:43:14

So it's adieu,

0:43:160:43:18

with the memory that I will always cherish of what might have been.

0:43:180:43:22

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