Episode 1 Happy Valley

-Have you got a fire extinguisher?

-A f...?

For putting out fires. I've got one in the car, but I may need something bigger.

There's a fella round the corner reckoning to set fire to himself!

Thank you, we're on top of that. How much for these?

Nice glasses.

Well, he can send himself to paradise - that's his choice -

but he's not taking my eyebrows with him.

Oh, what, you think I give a toss about what you do?

You're just bloody scum, you're like pigs, like animals!

Do we know his name?

Liam Hughes. 23. Unemployed. Smackhead.

-What's he upset about?

-His ex.

-His ex.

She finished with him three days ago, now she's sleeping with his best bud.

We've got a high-ranking highly trained specialist expert

police negotiator on his way over from Wakefield.

ETA?

Basically, it's you and me, kid.

Go and close down the comedy department.

The one and only...human barbecue!

You come any closer and I'm setting meself off, all right?

-What's happened, Liam?

-I don't know why you've brought that.

-If you accidentally fireball yourself...

-There'll be no accident about it.

-..you're going to get foamed, and believe you me, it's not a good look.

How's it all come to this, then, lad?

I've been humiliated.

Humiliated?

-I don't want to talk about it, all right?

-OK.

You know, actions speak louder than words.

OK. Can I just say this, though, Liam?

The lighter's making me nervous.

You've had a lot to drink and you've got the shakes and you might

-press it without intending to, and I'd like you to put it down.

-Leave me alone, you stupid bitch.

You're upset, I understand that. The point I'm making is that with all these fumes -

frankly, I don't know how you're staying conscious - you could go up any second

whether you intend to or not, and once you go up, you won't just go up

a bit, you'll go up a lot, and the other big thing to say is, it hurts.

Three seconds in and you'll be screaming at me

to put you out, seven seconds in and you'll be begging me to shoot you.

-WALKIETALKIE:

-I've a negotiator on his way, but he's stuck in traffic.

-OK.

CATHERINE CONTINUES TALKING

He says the big thing is to keep the subject engaged in conversation.

Yeah, I think we've got that covered.

I'm Catherine, by the way. I'm 47, I'm divorced, I live with my sister

who's a recovering heroin addict. I have two grown-up children.

One dead, one who doesn't speak to me, and a grandson. So...

Why? Why doesn't he speak to you?

It's complicated. Let's talk about you.

# There's a tower block overhead

# All you've got's your benefits

# And you're barely scraping by

# In this trouble town

# Troubles are found

# Stuck in speed-bump city where the only thing that's pretty

# Is the thought of getting out. #

Nevison'll see you now, Kevin.

Oh, terrific. Thank you.

Kevin.

-Nevison.

-What's up?

-Oh, nothing. Nothing's up.

As such. I... Can I...?

Can I...?

The thing is...OK...Melissa.

-Melissa.

-My eldest.

I know who Melissa is, Kevin.

She's very bright, she's very clever.

We tried to get her in at Salter Hebble High,

but we're outside the catchment area.

The thing is... we - Jenny - it was Jenny's idea.

She - Melissa - sat the entrance exam to St Bartholomew's.

They've offered her a place. But not a scholarship.

There's a lot of competition.

We'd like to be able to send her there, obviously,

but the thing is... I'd need a pay rise.

If we can't send her there she'll have to go to Wellesley Hill,

which, you know, it does its best, but...

This is a great opportunity for her at St Bartholomew's.

I don't pay you peanuts, Kevin.

-No, Nevison, I know that.

-How much is it?

£9,800 a year.

9,800. What about Catriona?

Catriona's eight.

Yeah, but she's not daft, is she? You can't send one and not the other.

Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

19,600 a year for five years, most likely seven.

-That's just shy of £140,000.

-137,200.

Wellesley Hill's not a bad school, Kevin.

I'm not saying it is...

A clever kid will do well wherever they go. Look at me!

That's... You're a great example to all of us,

of course, Nevison. That's...

The thing is, I've got 115 permanent staff working here, Kevin.

I know how many people work here, Nevison. I do their wages.

If they all asked for a rise so they could send their kids to

St Bartholomew's, I'd struggle to make a profit, wouldn't I?

-I didn't necessarily mean the whole amount...

-I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Kevin.

I'm going to think about it.

Catherine!

-Hello.

-I thought I might catch you. Do you know anything about this man

-who tried to set fire to himself this morning?

-Yes, he didn't.

-No, the one who was threatening to.

-An incident occurred and it was dealt with swiftly

-by community police officers.

-It's not engaging copy.

-It really wasn't that exciting.

-Are you doing anything this evening?

-Telly.

You wouldn't like to go out for something to eat?

I'm losing my job. We all are.

The Gazette's closing down.

You're kidding.

128 years in print and now it's...

Well, it's not closing down, it's all going online.

God, Richard, I'm really sorry.

They're announcing it officially tomorrow. I've got four weeks left.

Look, I've got to go, I've got to pick Ryan up.

I assume you know, but I only heard this morning, I was covering something at court.

Tommy Lee Royce has been released.

Did you know?

No.

I mean, I...I knew it'd be around now, but...

Apparently...he's out.

Oi!

Catherine!

-Hello!

-Sorry, you haven't got five minutes, have you?

Ryan!

He's such a nice little boy, Ryan. Most of the time.

But then you let this unpleasant temper get the better of you.

And I understand you get frustrated,

but you've got to find better ways of dealing with it.

Did he...hurt anyone?

Well, no, he hurt himself.

Nobody else got hurt, but the point is, Ryan, they could've done.

When you start throwing chairs across the room

and using unacceptable language...

and, you see, we do have a responsibility to protect

the other children.

I'm watching telly.

Can you get changed first, please?

-Why?

-Cos I said so.

-Can I have some juice, then?

Need you ask?

No, I mean are you getting it me?

Get changed.

Lad down Sowerby Bridge set fire to himself this morning.

No, he didn't.

Apparently. Woman in the shop said.

Do you want these?

-Oh, ta.

-You been busy?

I've been down the allotment all afternoon, I've only just got back.

There's some tea in the pot.

I saw Richard. He asked me out for a meal tonight, is that all right? Can you see to Ryan?

Sure. That's a bit mad, isn't it? A date with your ex-husband.

Won't the new younger model have something to say?

He's been in bother again.

He chucked a chair across the classroom

and told Mrs Mukherjee to eff off.

Do you sometimes think they over-react?

Tommy Lee Royce is out of prison.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I heard.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to upset you.

You did your best.

Well, it wasn't good enough.

It doesn't matter.

It matters.

At least he thought about it.

And then he said no.

It was always going to be unlikely.

I'm not just anyone.

Jesus Christ!

No. No, and he knows that.

Does he? Does he? How does he know that?

What does he do that shows he knows that?

You tell me one tiny thing he ever does that shows me he knows that.

-It isn't like Kevin's just anyone, though, is it?

-Of course he isn't. And I did think about it.

Which is more than I would have done for anyone else.

Anyone else, I'd have said, "On your bike."

The fact I've mentioned it to you shows it's not a decision I've taken lightly. Doesn't it? Eh?

You're not looking at me.

You don't think I'm going to agree with anything you say, do you?

How much did we spend on her education?

Let's not go down that route again.

And what good did that do?

I might as well have pissed it up against a wall.

Yeah, go on, and slam the door!

DOOR SLAMS

Clang!

That was unnecessary.

I'm a nice fella, Helen. And I'm a good boss.

I can't do for one what I can't do for everybody.

Even if it is Kev...

Have you...

..had an OK day, love?

I don't know what it is she doesn't get.

You don't move house when you've just lost your job, do you? You'd get it.

Yeah, well, you know.

You married her.

She goes, "Oh, something'll crop up," and I'm like,

"Well, what, I'm nearly 50, I'm not trained for anything else."

No. Well...

Speaking of which, what was the story this morning with that fella?

Oh, Richard...

It was a domestic.

He was off his head on booze, off his head on skunk.

His girlfriend had dumped him,

that's...it's the usual everyday story of country folk.

Where did they take him?

Where did who take him?

The paramedics. I assume there were paramedics...

I don't know, I didn't ask. Out of sight, out of mind.

How did you talk him down?

I didn't. I tried to. But then he got his cigarettes out.

He hadn't made the connection that trying to light one of his petrol-soaked cigarettes

would involve clicking his lighter, so I foamed him.

What was his name?

I'm not...!

Do you want to know what you should do next? How about this?

Instead of trying to dish the dirt on one poor, misguided,

misinformed numpty, you write a big article.

Something you can sell to one of the nationals about why so much of it goes on round here.

-So much...?

-Drugs! Wasted lives!

This valley is awash with every kind of crap you can get your hands on.

There's your story. And you want to know where they took him?

They probably took him to the psychiatric unit when, in fact,

all he needed was a brief demonstration

of how petrol behaves when you put it anywhere near a naked flame,

because he had no idea how bad it would be.

Where's Tommy Lee Royce living?

I've no idea.

Is he living round here?

Catherine...you know as much as me. More, probably.

Hasn't he got a release address?

Yeah, his mother's. I went back to the nick and rang probation.

She lives in a terraced house on Rishworth, but he won't be there.

Thanks.

Pleasure.

What time's she expecting you back... from Rotherham?

Midnight?

You'll have to come inside. I'm too old to start shagging in cars.

We have no luck.

We have a nice house. We have two fantastic children.

Huh. Nevison says people make their own luck.

Well, maybe that's easy for Nevison to say.

It's a stupid thing to say.

It's not like anyone sets out to be unlucky, is it?

We all take opportunities if we can.

If we see them.

I think we do very well. All things considered.

All things considered? What does that mean?

Nothing. I just meant...

Given how little and dull and ordinary we are.

HE SIGHS

Half that company should be mine, Jenny. And instead,

every day I have to go in there,

smiling, then bend over and take it up the arse.

I'm sorry, but that's how it feels.

Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

There's pens left on this grave, Granny!

SIGN SQUEAKS

-Ashley!

-Kevin.

-Jenny.

-Hi.

-Ladies!

-Hi, Ashley.

-Hiya.

-I've got a cheque for you.

-No rush.

-I'll pop down later.

Any time. You know me, I'm not going anywhere.

I've sorted you out your access, Jenny. Wheelchair access

to the games room, if you fancy playing table tennis.

Oh, Ashley!

You can play table tennis, can't you? You're not...

I can. I love a game of table tennis.

Good, well, it's all ready for you, then.

Our Ben and our Sam are about if you're short of

-someone to play with.

-Yeah! Can we get out, Dad?

-Sure.

-Bye, Mum! Bye, Dad!

-Bye!

Enjoy your weekend!

Take him. Ashley. Prime example.

-Of what?

-What I'm talking about!

You seen them cars? Brand new. 80-odd thousand.

All that from holiday caravan rentals.

I'm in the wrong game altogether.

I'm in the wrong God knows... Everything.

Yes!

Was that Richard I heard last night?

We didn't do anything we haven't done a thousand times before.

Eh, I'm not judging anybody.

I felt sorry for him. Losing his job.

And she just goes on at him apparently, and...

What?

I get lonely.

I didn't want Tommy Lee Royce

buzzing round in my head all night, I wanted something else.

-Did it work?

-No.

Beep-beep!

He might not even be living round here any more, he might've...

Clare, he's the sort that thinks Manchester is abroad.

It wouldn't occur to him to go anywhere else.

He wouldn't know how to be anywhere else.

He's like a rat.

He'll never be more than three feet away.

Dad! Dad! Dad!

There's a red kite! Dad!

Beautiful! Lovely!

Look at that lads, eh?

Ashley.

475. Was that the right amount?

Spot on, Kevin.

Shit.

That's...

What do you suppose that is, lads?

Search me, boss. No idea.

Never seen owt like it.

Maybe you should ring the police.

Yeah. Yeah, we should. You're right.

I'll...

Can I just have a word with you, Kevin,

regarding your next season's rental on t'caravan?

There's a few bits and bobs I need to go through with you.

Could...we do that later?

I said I'd help Jenny unload the shopping, she's...

Would you like a beer?

A... No, no, I...

-Come on, have a beer.

-I don't need a beer.

What's the matter? I'm just offering you a beer.

Go and have a beer, Kevin.

Listen.

You don't need to worry. About me.

I haven't seen anything.

-Well, I can see it. It's cannabis!

-No, I mean...

I mean, I don't know why there's bags of camel shit in my bags of sand,

but why? Are you accusing me of something?

I don't want any trouble, Ashley.

I just want to go back to Jenny and the caravan and...

I'm not happy making threats, Kevin.

I like Jenny, I'm fond of the girls,

but if you're accusing me of something,

that's a very serious business.

Ashley. Ashley. This is...

You can trust me.

Believe me. I think people have to make money

the best way they know how, and yes, actually, yeah. I would like a beer.

(Knob.)

-How would you like to make half a million pounds?

-Sorry?

It's not something I could do on my own.

I've thought it through, I've thought through most of the details.

But I would need help.

Well, I'm listening.

Nevison Gallagher. Has a daughter.

Ann. Nevison could afford to lose half a million pounds, easily.

Any more, he might go to the police.

It'd take a good few days - probably a week - to let him

get that kind of money together,

in cash, without arousing suspicion at the bank.

And I don't know where we - you - would keep her.

As I say, there's elements I haven't thought through yet,

-but the basic...

-You're talking about...

Kidnapping her?!

She's just finished college, she hasn't got a job.

No-one apart from them would miss her. Just for a few days.

That's all it would take.

I thought you liked old Nev.

No.

No, Ashley. I don't like old Nev.

Did you know, him and my dad were best friends?

At school. They grew up on the same street.

They cooked the idea up together,

they kicked the whole thing off together.

Then my dad went off to college to train to be an accountant

and when he came back Nevison offered him a job.

They were partners!

And somehow Nevison side-stepped that,

like he does side-step things.

He'd got the lawyers in.

And my dad, being my dad, well, he just accepted it.

Can I think about it?

That's what Nevison said, when I asked him for a rise,

so I could get Melissa into a better school.

He thought about it...

..and then he said no.

What did you say?

He's sorted, he's fine,

he's chicken shit,

nobody needs to worry about him.

I'm not happy wi' this new fella.

-He's fine.

-No, he's too quiet.

-He comes recommended.

-He keeps looking at me funny!

Give him a break. Been inside eight years, he's only just got out.

Get kettle on. There's summat I want to talk through wi' you.

Both of you.

Tommy!

Want a cup of tea?

Granny, there's some flowers.

Who they from?

Richard.

You're playing wi' fire there, you know that, don't you?

You going to read me a story, Gran?

(I just want five minutes to myself.)

Have you got changed?

I will have by the time you get up here.

What about running a bath?

I'll bring you a cup of tea up.

CHILD LAUGHS

Tag!

Dad? Ashley says have you got time to pop over to the house

for two minutes before we head off home?

OK. I need one or two more details off you, but in principle, yeah.

It's a departure, but me and Lewis and Tommy are confident

it's something we can handle.

Well, that's...

Obviously I've got overheads, so here's what I can offer you.

10%.

Ten?! But... No, look, this is...

We're talking 50 grand, Kevin.

-Enough to put the kiddie through school, more or less. It's what you wanted, isn't it?

-I want half!

I can't justify half, Kevin!

I'm the fella taking the risks here! You're not.

I gave you information!

You did, but the reality is,

me and the lads could turn the whole job round without you. Now.

Couldn't we? Eh?

So, in fact, you're lucky I'm offering you anything at all.

You... You can't do that. I could just...

What? What could you do?

Tell the police about my sand?

What sand?

I don't want to fall out with you, Kevin.

I want you to put Melissa through this nice school.

It's what she deserves, it's what you deserve.

You'll be 50 grand better off,

you won't even know the thing's happened.

A hundred. A hundred grand.

I want Catriona to be able to go, too, when the time comes.

Right.

Fine. Hundred.

When... When are you...?

The less you know, Kev.

You're a dark horse, you. Aren't you? Eh?!

All right, lads?

You all right?

-< MUFFLED:

-..ck off!

I think that means "Come in," Sarge, in Swahili.

-If I'd said that it'd be racist.

-Nah...

Oi, oi. Where's your warrant?

I haven't got one, I don't need one.

Somebody rang three nines

and said they heard screaming coming from this flat.

-Oh, that were me.

-Were her.

-He smacked me on t'head.

-Were an accident.

-With the thing.

It were an accident.

It were an accident.

What's your name?

You, lad, I'm talking to you.

Jason Tindall. You can call me Tinner if y'want.

Right, well, can you pull that syringe

out of your foot for me, please?

Would you like to hear some jokes?

Yeah, if you're confident I can handle 'em.

Liam Hughes is threatening to press charges against me for assault.

Assault by foam? Yep, that's, yeah!

That's good, that's funny.

And, steady on, brace yourself.

The newsagent I borrowed the fire extinguisher off has invoiced me,

personally, for £75. To replace his fire extinguisher.

The one he didn't even know he had!

Nice! Nice one. I like them, they're both good.

Kevin. Hiya. Nevison wants to see you.

-What for?

-Dunno.

Ah, Kevin. Come in, sit down, shut the door.

-Is, er... Is something wrong?

-No.

Well. We'll come onto that.

The good news is, I can't review your salary,

not just at the moment, but what I will do is,

and I don't want this bandying about because I genuinely can't do it

for everyone, I will pay their school fees.

Both of 'em.

You've got Helen to thank and Ann.

One way and another. They've both had a go at me.

Ann. Did she?

Mmm. So?

Well, I...

I don't know what to say.

There was something else.

I've been thinking about, erm... not retiring, I'd go mad,

but taking a bit of time off.

The thing is, you see,

Helen's been diagnosed with liver cancer.

-Helen?

-Four months since.

Prognosis isn't, erm...

Anyway. Things she wants to do.

Places we've visited over the years that she wants to, erm...

So. Uh...

The point is, I would like you to deputise, for me.

I know you think I take you for granted sometimes, Kevin, but...

Well, deputy managing director.

Temporary. Happen, happen not.

Is that something you...

..feel you could handle?

In return for putting 'em through this school?

I... I'm sorry.

About Helen.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's shit. There's no other spin you can put on it.

-See you!

-Bye!

Sorry, Catherine.

You haven't got ten minutes again, have you?

We have someone, an educational psychologist,

who pops in once every three weeks,

and I'd like to ask her to spend some time with Ryan.

He gets frustrated because he struggles with his reading.

I don't think it's rocket science.

We can't keep letting him repeat these sort of behaviour patterns

and not explore what the root cause might be.

-No, I...

-You see...

We have had comments from other parents.

It's simply a matter of finding strategies. For him.

To become more aware of when he's getting angry,

and how better he can deal with it, in the moment.

And then finding targets for him...

It's not easy. I know that.

-Would you like some tea?

-No.

Can I tell you something?

Of course.

Becky, my daughter, died just after Ryan was born.

Yeah, I think I knew that.

He was six weeks old.

She never really wanted him,

but she couldn't do anything about it in time because

I didn't know she was pregnant,

and she refused to believe that she was, I think.

I think that's what was going on in there, and...

-Tell me if I'm boring you.

-You're not boring me.

She was, erm...

She...

She was raped. She was...

And she couldn't tell me because she was frightened

of how I'd react, of me making her report it,

which God knows I wouldn't have done,

not if it was something that she couldn't...

My husband found her.

She hanged herself. In her bedroom.

I felt sorry for him. I've seen dead bodies, he hadn't.

I had to look after Ryan.

I didn't HAVE to, but I didn't think there was an alternative, you know,

and he didn't ask to be...

None of it was his fault, was it?

Complete innocent in the world and nobody wants you.

I didn't particularly, but Richard, my husband, he couldn't stand it.

He couldn't stand being in the same house.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, except, I do my best for him.

With him. I always have done.

I don't think anybody's ever questioned that, Catherine.

Oh, hang on, I do know why I'm telling you.

The father...

-Was he ever...?

-Caught? No.

No. And I could never prove anything anyway. Not now.

I know who it was, though. He's been in prison for eight years.

For supplying drugs, not for what he did to Becky.

No. No, he's got away with that.

And this wasn't a "his word against hers, she might've given her consent

"but who knows, they were both a bit drunk" job. It was brutal.

It was a brutal attack.

But she knew who he was. She wrote his name down before she...

I'm terrified if Ryan's like him in any way shape or form,

which he's bound to be, isn't he?

-Not...

-But no, you're right,

ignoring it won't make it go away, will it?

Getting changed, then playing on video games!

-It's pizzas for tea!

-Yay!

Fantastic.

MUSIC: "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" by Tears For Fears

SHE DIALS

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Hello. You don't fancy going to Rotherham again tonight, do you?

Are you all right?

I'm just...

..weighing up the pros and cons

of what it would mean to take the law into your own hands.

Well, the down side, obviously, would be if you got caught.

Mmm. Possibly.

I dunno. I'd say the down side would be

if you didn't feel much different or better after you'd done the thing.

Which, why would you?

It isn't like it'd bring her back, is it?

Don't let yourself get obsessed with it.

Catherine.

He's low-life. He's scum.

He'll get what's coming to him one day. He just will.

The upside, on the other hand -

the exquisite satisfaction you'd get

from grinding his severed scrotum into the mud

with the underside of your shittiest shoe.

And then burying his worthless carcass in a shallow grave

up on the moors, where it can rot,

undisturbed and unloved, until the end of time.

I'm sure that'd make me feel better.

Just a bit.

Are you all right?

Doesn't it frighten you?

If you ever came face to face with him,

not knowing what the hell you might do to him?

You're not going to actively seek him out.

Are you?

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

Ashley! Ashley, hi, it's Kevin. Listen, I think...

I think I may have... I think...

Shit!

Ashley, I think... Ashley. Hi. It's Kevin.

I think I may have made a mistake with this Nevison business.

I think... I think we, we, we...

we need to call the whole thing off. I think...

Ashley, hi, it's Kevin.

I think I may have miscalculated how much Nevison is worth.

Ashley, I've miscalculated how much Nevison is worth. Yeah.

PHONE BEEPS

Ashley, I've miscalculated how much Nevison is worth.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Ashley? It... It's Kevin.

'Ashley?'

-It's Kevin.

-'Hello.'

Yeah, look, OK, I've been thinking,

and I don't think this business... I don't think we should do it,

I think I've bitten off more than... I think I may have miscalculated

-how much Nevison is...

-'Don't ring me, Kevin.'

Not on my mobile, not on the landline.

-'I'll see you Saturday.'

-No, Ashley, listen...

If this goes tits up, the police can trace calls, any calls,

'all calls, so you just keep your nerve and you don't ring me.'

But Ashley...

PHONE HANGS UP

Ashley!

Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

HORNS BEEP

-Tosser!

-Sorry!

-Wanker!

MUSIC: "Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush

SHE SINGS ALONG: # They told me I was going to lose the fight

# Leave behind my Wuthering, Wuthering... #

# ..I'm so cold, let me in at your window, oh... #

-That would've been an opportunity.

-That was not an opportunity.

-You don't know what you're doing.

-I know what I'm doing.

Let me drive.

You're not driving. I'm driving.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

KNOCKING

There's a fella at t'front desk

insisting he wants to talk to a "proper police officer".

He won't give me his name, he won't say what it's about,

but he does seem a bit upset.

Is he drunk?

No, I don't think so.

Is he off his face on anything?

No, he seems perfectly normal, really. He does seem upset, though.

-Good morning.

-Yes, erm....

-Can I help you?

-OK. Uh...

I... Where to start?

I, uh...

OK, are you...?

I'm a sergeant. Is that...? It's the best you're going to get

-unless you want to drive over to Todmorden.

-No, no, that's...OK.

So, how it started -

I asked my boss for a rise, a pay rise, the other day,

and the thing is, you see,

my daughter, she's been offered... Well, OK, that's...

-Are you here to report a crime, Mr...?

-Not, not...

It's not something that's...

Um...

I know this man, you see, who...

Well, I've always thought he probably was a bit dodgy,

-if I'm being honest, and...

-What's happened?

Nothing! Nothing's happened. Nothing's happened yet.

Can I take your name?

I don't...

Are you on any medication?

Would you like some tea?

Then we can sit down and have a proper chat.

Would you like to do that?

Do you want to make a statement? Do you want to write it down?

-Would that help?

-There isn't...

-No, no.

-OK. I'll tell you what. Look, if you go out the door,

turn left, walk five yards down the street to the next door.

I'll let you in and then you can come through to my office,

and you can start at the beginning, all right? Yeah?

CAR ROARS AWAY

-RADIO:

-Bravo November four-five.

Urgent response required to Flat 12, Waterfield House.

An anonymous caller saying there's a lad dangling off a balcony.

That's Acid House. Responding.

# Shout it out... #

Go on.

Stupid tosser.

Oh, God, I'm really sorry.

-Idiotic thing to do!

-I'm really, really sorry.

-You were driving far too close.

-Yeah.

-You're probably not even insured properly, are you?

-Yeah, no, I am.

Good!

I assume that we're accepting that you're the one that's at fault.

Er, well, on the other hand, you WERE driving

a bit all over t'place, weren't you, speed-wise?

Oh, so it's my fault that you're not looking at what's in front of you?

SHE GROANS

-Get the bitch round here!

-What are you doing?

What are you doing?! What are going doing?!

No!

SHE SCREAMS

Shut your mouth!

Get off me! Get off me!

-MUFFLED SHOUTING

-Come on.

Stop wriggling.

-Stop wriggling!

-THUMP

Hold still.

SHE SOBS

Feet.

THEY PANT

See you there.

ENGINE STARTS

You do what we tell you

and we're not going to hurt you any more than we have to,

and it'll all be over soon enough, all right?

All right.

ENGINE STARTS

RINGING TONE

-'Hello.'

-Ashley, it's me.

Don't hang up on me. I'm calling from a call box.

Right, want do you want?

And I'm not kidding. This is the last time you ring me.

'Just to say...

'Just to say that...

'those boys of yours, they won't hurt her, will they?

'You know, she's not a bad kid.'

They will treat her with respect, won't they?

'If Nevison plays ball, Kevin,'

they will treat her with every courtesy.

'OK?'

I should be at work.

'Yeah, good.

'Right, well, I'll see you Saturday.'

Business as usual.

Don't give me any shit, you little bastard...

or I'll chop your tits off.

SHE WHIMPERS

SHE WHIMPERS

-Let's get that bag off her.

-Nah, leave her.

I've got to get this phone over to Ashley at t'farm.

WHIMPERING CONTINUES

What?

Do you know what you just said?

Shit!

She couldn't hear me. She had t'bag on, she were whimpering.

-She won't have heard owt.

-I am not going back inside

cos of a shit-for-brains little twat like you.

So, you just think, every time, every time,

before you open your mouth down there in future,

or I'll rip your cock off and shove it up your arse.

She didn't hear anything.

Mind how you go.

ENGINE STARTS

'Yeah, so he owes his dealer 50-odd quid, right? Can't pay up.'

There's three lads knocking on his door

whose plan it is to put him in hospital.

He's inside shitting himself, thinking there's no way out.

Then he remembers this thing he does with his mates

when he's high as a kite on amphetamines.

He plays Spider-Man down the side of the building.

They drop from one balcony to the next, all the way down, for fun.

'So, he sets off, only he's stone-cold whatever, right?

'So, he sets off over the edge, manages one balcony,'

then he freezes, realises if you're not off your face on chemicals,

-this is a pretty bloody silly thing to be doing.

-Ah, bless!

Meanwhile the Chipping Norton set have kicked the door in, right,

quickly work out what he's gone and done.

'They see him, they start lobbing his worldly goods,

'his telly, his Wii, his PlayStation, his Xbox, his Game Boy,'

over the balcony, hoping to knock him off his perch.

Of course, by the time I arrive

they're well gone and there's just him

dangling there with his trousers round his ankles,

cos he's wearing those sort of jeans that come up just below your arse.

-Sarge?

-'Catch you later.'

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, my little chickadee.

'Is that Nev?'

It might be.

'Nevison Gallagher?'

Yes.

'How you doing, Nevison Gallagher?'

Who am I speaking to?

'Oh, you can call me...'

..God.

What you doing with my daughter's telephone, then, God?

'Well, I've just borrowed it off her, you see.'

-Me and my friends.

-'Right, what's going on?'

Right, listen very carefully, Nevison,

cos I'm not repeating meself.

'We appear to have got your lovely little daughter

'in a very vulnerable position,'

and we're not going to involve any police, OK?

You do just like you're told, Nevison, like a good little lad,

'and nothing nasty will happen to her.'

-Who are you?

-I'm the one that ensures nothing unpleasant happens

to your little Annie.

'I want you to get your car keys

'and I want you to walk outside to your car.

'Slowly. Don't rush. Don't speak to anyone.

'I'm going to ring you again in 20 minutes.

'You know Dewsbury Moor Services, eastbound on the M62. Phone booths.

'Two of them, just outside the front door. The one on the left.

'You've got 20 minutes.'

-PHONE RINGS

-'I want you on your own.

'I see any police, anything that makes me suspicious,

'even for a second,

'and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.'

Hello? Hello?!

SHE WHIMPERS

Are you a virgin?

SHE WAILS

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Kevin, it's me, it's Nevison.

'You're not going to believe this.'

Some toerag, shit-for-brains arsehole...

bastard's got our Annie and he wants a million quid.

-A million?

-It's for real, it's serious.

-Uh... OK. Um...

-Can we raise it? Can we raise that much in two days?

-Two...days?

-In cash,

without the bank thinking we're laundering money?

Well, I... We can... I can look into the accounts...

We've just got to do it, we've got to raise it,

'because this nasty bastard means business.'

And...what am I going to tell Helen? Oh!

'What the hell am I going to tell Helen, Kevin?'

# In this trouble town

# Troubles are found

# In this trouble town

# Words soon get round

# Stuck in speed bump city Where the only thing that's pretty

# Is the thought of getting out. #