From Here to Maternity Holby City

-So that's the dream team?

-Case conference - do I invite Henrik Hanssen?

Does Hanssen know she's about to spawn?

You and him. Little and Large.

-We're not joined at the hip.

-Glad to hear it.

Mo here will be taking on your patient list.

Well, I might be wrong but I don't think she's a consultant.

What's life without a few risks?

What is wrong with you?

Is Luc coming back or isn't he? I kind of miss his bizarre charm.

I've given Ms Campbell a very specific brief.

She's here to ensure that Keller becomes a more cost-effective ward.

-Turning medicine into a business?

-Profit guarantees the future.

SHALLOW BREATHING

Olympics guy - have you seen the file?

-Sorry?

-Haseen, the porter. Where's the file?

Right. It might be on top of the toilet.

Waddle off, then.

-What I'm going to say, don't freak out.

-What?

-We might be at code red.

-Seriously?!

-Don't freak out!

-Wh... Are you sure?

I think so. Pretty much.

What should we do? Shall I phone Sorcia?

No, you'll panic her. It could be days yet.

Do you want me to drive you home?

No, the Olympics guy.

-Screw him, this is the big banana, mate.

-No fuss.

We stick to the plan, OK?

Did your mother never tell you it's rude to whisper?

-Back off, Jac. Mo's...

-Mo's fine, yeah?

-There's nothing to see here.

-Don't call me Jac...

Notes. Hanssen's porter.

What Hanssen porter?

What Hanssen porter?

Surely you're not bowing to pressure, Mr Hanssen.

The board are keen he gets to participate in the opening ceremony.

Oblivious to the PR disaster when it leaks that one of our porters leapfrogged the list.

-No leapfrogging has occurred.

-But you are saying he's on someone else's list of one?

Freeing up your time to meet your elective's targets.

I know, I know, the regulators have got their fining hats on.

-I've a good mind to call their mothers.

-Just get them done, please.

I'll be glad when the Olympics are over.

Oh, how can you say that? I am so excited I've got butterflies!

Right, Ric's list. My list. Loser buys pizza for the whole team.

-Except Mr Griffin isn't here today.

-I've not seen a leave form.

-It's a three month check up with a specialist actually, arranged in haste.

-Right.

-Well, there's no arguing with that one, is there?

-Not really, no.

So, you want me to meet twice the target with the same number of staff?

-I want you to organise your resources as you see fit.

-Mr Hanssen!

Tell me, is that an angry little midwife I hear?

I will shut down, Mr Hanssen! Do you hear me?

Want me to engage you in high level bariatric discourse?

No, no. One must face one's demons. Ms Rimini!

I picked the wrong week to give up the Shiraz.

How do you like the other side of the chair?

He reckons he's Kimi Raikkonen!

-We've put the Egyptian cotton on.

-Ah, thank you, mate.

I know you've moved hell and high water.

What've you got on Mr Hanssen, that's what we want to know?

They've not cancelled some old gent to make this work, have they?

Nope, just made a window, so to speak. Ms Effanga will be operating.

Hi.

You're joking! She's about to drop.

Don't worry, I'm not due for another two weeks.

I've had four. You're about to drop. Look at it.

I bet it wasn't like that yesterday, was it?

-Well, luckily it's a very short operation.

-Your first?

-Yep.

-I can always tell. You been doing the exercises?

Bed number eight, please.

I suppose you want me to tell you about my part in the ceremony?

Go on, then.

I'm sworn to secrecy. So I'm not going to spoil it for you.

Just chill out, yeah?

If I need maternity advice, I'll ask the taxi driver.

Is that porter having a transplant?

Only you could make that sound bitter.

Hernia.

-He's the guy that's taking part in the opening ceremony.

-Typical.

I'm sorry, how's that typical?

In fact, technically, it's incredibly atypical.

You're very jumpy. Something's up.

Nothing is up.

Sorcia, pick up. It's Mo. Obviously. You there?

Listen, you're probably with a patient.

Just so you know, I think we're at code...

SHE GROANS

Yeah. Braxton Hicks getting stronger. It's going to be this week.

Right, I've redone this list. This is how we do 12 hernias in a 6-hour period.

It should go like clockwork provided I don't need to eat

-or have a pee.

-OK... Thank you.

Is there a problem?

No. I was going to nip out at lunch time, but it's not a big deal.

If it's any consolation, there will still be pizza.

Ah, this must be our mid-day.

Er, no, I think that's our emergency from AAU. Erin Barker, abdo pain.

Right.

Yeah, she definitely looks like an emergency(!)

Hello there, how can we help?

I've had these pains, but they've gone, so we're wasting your time.

It was so bad she couldn't even speak.

-Imagine!

-I'm fine.

I think they just wanted to get rid of me downstairs.

It's understandable with the cuts, I suppose.

-You did have a temperature.

-Had. Exactly.

I think I just need a duvet day.

-Fine. Do you want to be discharged?

-Can you not just look her over?

-I'm asking the patient.

-Can you do that? Just like that?

Absolutely. I'll just fill in a form. Bay three for now, thanks.

Let's sweat her out. If she needs to stay, she'll stay.

Eddi was really worried about her. What shall I say to her?

Um, that she picked the wrong ward to off-load onto.

-I can't say that.

-Yes, you can.

This is not rocket science, OK? You call the lab, you tell them

the patient has been moved to a different ward.

Now are you going to step up and do your work properly

or do I have to recommend some on-the-job training for you, nurse Keeley?

Bit harsh, maybe?

Sorry? Do you have some feedback about my managerial style?

-Chrissie and I can hold the fort if you want to have some down time.

-No, I'm fine, thank you.

Come on.

-It's muffin o'clock.

-SHE SIGHS

How about you and I leave this madness, grab a 'cino, you know,

and talk through the Luc situation mano e mano?

WHAT Luc situation?

Excuse me.

AKA the reason you're in this frankly horrific mood.

-Seriously, Sacha, you need find something to keep you busy.

-All right, fine, I can take a hint.

I'll just have to hand out the flak jackets.

Sorry.

Can I help you?

Well, I just came to use the car park, really.

What?

It's cheaper than town, isn't it? I'm supposed to be buying dog food,

but it's my leg.

-I thought, while I'm in the area...

-What's wrong with it?

-Twisted my ankle, playing footie.

-Which one, your left or your right?

Er...

Both.

HE MOUTHS

You know what, let's get you sat down in that nice comfy bed

and I will make you a lovely cup of tea.

-Yeah? Do you take sugar?

-Yeah. You got biscuits?

-We've got biscuits.

I didn't mind Slumdog Millionaire. But I have to say, I didn't care for his other films.

What's that one where the bloke chops off his arm?

-127 Hours.

-That's the one. I didn't like it.

I suppose you see that sort of thing every day, do you?

She tends to do more high-tech stuff. This is just a favour.

I did think that when I asked around.

You know, I'm a bit embarrassed, to be honest.

Don't be! Once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Couldn't believe it when I got through.

Don't ask me details, though. Wait to watch it on the TV.

-I'll be sure and look out for you.

-MO GROANS

-I told you. She's started.

-All OK?

Yeah. Right, I'm pretty sure that the palpitations are due to

your vagus nerve. How's the breathlessness?

Hasn't interfered with me talking thankfully.

-It's just the acid reflux. I've got to sleep sitting up.

-Sounds painful(!)

Right, we'll get you done and dusted today, discharged tomorrow,

London Friday.

I'll be back in just one minute.

-Not so fast, Batman.

-What?

-Go down to Gynae and Obs and get checked over.

-I'm fine.

-Mo!

-I'm not doing anything without Sorcia. It's just not fair.

-You know that.

-Is she not on her way?

-Her mobile's off.

Don't make arrangements with flaky psychiatrists!

How's she planning on getting here, groovy train?

-She's not flaky, she's just busy.

-How many you had?

-They're not contractions. My waters haven't even broken.

-How many?

I'm not going down to Maternity to make an idiot of myself.

-Is it more than three?

-No. It's...three.

Yeah, but what, twenty minutes apart? Maybe.

-It's fine. She can cab it over.

-Mo, I'm going to get her.

This is not code zero. This is DEFCON 3.

Honestly, go, the paperwork could take ages.

No, I'll drive you home.

Declan, they're hacked off enough as it is.

Yeah, but you're ill. What if it's the ulcer?

I haven't got an ulcer. Stop making excuses and go to work.

-Well, will you call me when you get back?

-Yeah, 'course.

-I feel bad.

-Declan, go to work!

-Hi, sorry, it's a bit urgent.

-Have the pains come back?

Yesterday, I went to London and had a hysteroscopy.

Do you think these could be side effects?

Why were you referred?

I referred myself. I was worried about bleeding.

Right. Well, which clinic and what was their verdict?

I haven't heard. Um...

I had a miscarriage some months ago and I...

Well, I just...

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think that's what's happening now?

-No. We haven't... We're not...

-You're abstaining.

Right, fine, well, first thing's first,

get down to Obs and Gynae. It may be nothing,

but there is a chance that the investigation may have caused a bit of damage.

It'll be kept confidential, won't it?

Of course.

Though you need to be open with me, you understand?

Sorry for giving you the run-around on everything.

What are you doing out of bed?

Er... They're just chucking me out now.

Erin, I can tell you're not OK.

What?

-Actually, I would like to run a few more tests, just to be sure.

-Good.

-Did AAU take your blood?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-I can chase them up.

-Do you think she's got an ulcer, then?

-Why do you say that?

-I haven't got an ulcer.

You've been to see the doctor about it.

Yeah, but he said it wasn't that.

Right, well I can get someone to do an endoscopy.

It's sticking a camera down your throat, I'm afraid.

-She's had one of those. Haven't you?

-Yeah.

Through work. I went to a private clinic.

I'm sure I can get you the results.

Can you not just do it again? Be on the safe side?

Maybe you should give them a ring. Explain the situation.

Get them to fax the results directly to me.

She shouldn't be doing the donkey work, she's ill.

OK, let's get you back to bed, keep you monitored,

and chase up those endoscopy results.

Nurse, could you come and take her back to bed, please?

Thank you.

Give Obs and Gynae a ring, give them the heads up

-and get her down there somehow without giving the game away.

-OK.

Did you ring Eddi and pass on my frustrations?

Yeah.

No.

For the most part, you've been asymptomatic?

Yes, more or less.

It says here you think it was caused by a giant sneeze.

I just said that to ensure confidentiality.

Don't want to give away performance details.

Right, well, let's get it fixed, shall we?

Everyone in the company is very grateful.

We've become like a family now.

If we can't make exceptions for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, where would we be?

Oh, thank you, Mr Hanssen. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Ms Effanga, for this.

No worries. I'd just be at home shouting at Matthew Wright.

You must understand, you're under no obligation.

Don't worry, Mr H. I'm not going to take you to a tribunal.

Still, we take our duty of care very seriously.

Maternity leave is ring-fenced.

Ms Effanga?

Mm?

May I say to the board that we will get our man to the finish line?

Yeah, it's easy street. Takes me back to my youth.

Excellent.

-Mr Hanssen, can I have a word?

-I suppose so, yes.

When I say word, I mean discuss the direction Darwin's going in.

Fire away.

Well, it struck me that we should be building on the stuff I did Stateside,

look at expanding our congenital defects portfolio.

-Led by you?

-Well, that would make sense, yes.

OK, just so that I can manage your expectations realistically,

I must say there is zero chance of any additional resources.

If I were to free up anything for CT,

it would go towards the transplant unit.

Yes, but how long will that last?

We've budgeted for the next four quarters.

I mean when Ms Effanga goes on maternity.

I think you'll find she returns fairly swiftly.

Well, they all say that. But let's get real.

We both know that she's the type who'll take a look at the teeny, tiny fingers and pack it all in.

-BLEEPER

-The question is, where will that leave us?

Excuse me.

The doctor reckons you're free to go.

That it? Seems a bit quick.

Why? Somewhere you need to be, like court or something?

No, no way! Why do you say that?

No reason.

Didn't even have the good manners to yelp.

-Well, I'm still going to give it another go.

-Oh, come on.

I'm really looking forward to you bawling him out of town.

No, if he wanted that bed, he'd have faked appendicitis.

Who are you and what've you done with Eddi?

I am just giving him a second chance,

cos I'm actually not in a horrifically bad mood.

Ha-ha-ha! You see what you're doing?

-Yeah, my job.

-It's called transference.

You're throwing yourself into your work to avoid the painful black hole.

Are you my painful black hole?

OK, fine. I can take a hint.

I'll just, you know, leave you to it.

-What are you doing?

-Nothing.

-Have you seen Jonny?

-Not recently. Why?

Oh, I just need to check schedules.

-Mo, are you about to go into labour?

-Labour?

-No, my waters haven't even broken.

-Are you sure? Because you look like you're on another planet.

Yes! Now, sorry but I have to prepare for theatre, OK?

Fine.

Just don't follow me into any lifts, got it?

Right, I'm going to take you down to X-ray. Got it?

X-ray. OK, thank you.

I know it's all a bit daft.

It's OK, you don't have to explain.

-It just snowballed.

-You don't think he would've supported you?

Probably.

I should've said but...

Losing a baby can be hard. Even if it is early on.

Actually, do you know what?

It was a huge relief. That's what I realised.

Were they OK about it?

No, they kicked off, so I told them to stuff it.

-You didn't?

-It's not my fault.

-It never is, is it?

-We can't all be workaholics.

I'm just earning a living.

Right, I'm going to take you down to X-ray now.

Great. I'll do it. Which way is it?

Oh, you can't, I'm afraid. It has to be a nurse.

-We came up ourselves.

-Yeah, I know, but it's health and safety gone a bit mad.

Actually, I'm just going to check and see if that fax has arrived...

Shall I take her down, then?

Erm... Do you know, I think Radiology are just a bit backed up.

-As soon as we get a window, I'll just whizz her down.

-Can we not make her urgent?

I know she seems OK, but she's not. I know it.

-Right.

-She won't say cos she's worried about her job,

but they're driving her into the ground with the stress.

That must be a worry for you.

She keeps going, "It's women's problems," to shut me up.

But whenever there's grief at work, these pains come on worse.

Now, I know I'm not a doctor and I know she won't listen to me.

-But please, someone needs to help her.

-I'll speak to her consultant.

Great. And just don't say it came from me, right?

'You need to stage an intervention.'

Enlighten me.

Effanga's gone into labour and won't go home.

-Really?

-Yes, really.

-And she told you this?

-Well, she's pretending it's fine.

-Why would she do that?

I don't know.

I'm guessing because she feels pressured to operate on the Olympian porter.

High profile and all that. Take her off it, I'll step in.

Well, I've seen some crafty back-biting in my time,

but that takes the biscuit.

I'm not lying. She's groaning like a Friesian.

I ignored your earlier intimations about Ms Effanga and her motives,

putting it down to professional jealousy. But I will not,

I repeat, not be drawn into this nonsense.

Mr Hanssen, she's a first time single mum who doesn't know what she's doing.

And you obviously know nothing at all about her situation.

Fine. Well, don't blame me when she's screaming in agony in theatre

and the porter's bleeding out.

Right, so once you've signed this, you're free to go. Any more trouble, go to your GP.

-OK?

-All right, yeah.

Unless there's something else that you're worried about?

-Nah, it's nothing.

-What's nothing?

The back of my leg, but it's fine. Ta-ra, then. Sorry to trouble you.

Well, why don't you let me take a look at it?

Well, seeing as I'm passing...

OK.

HE GROANS

Is this why you came in?

I was just thinking, as I'm passing, been thinking about it a bit, like.

-Eddi?

-Step away from the Rottweiler.

I can't help but meddle. It's my hands-on management style.

Do you realise he's got a lump on the back of his leg the size of a golf ball?

-Really?

-Yeah, and it's going to need removing or a biopsy.

-Well, he'll have to go to Keller then, I think.

-Why can't we do it down here? We're really quiet.

No, we've got to keep the theatre free, in case of...

-Someone who needs a procedure?

-No, surprises, you never know what might happen.

Sacha, if I let him go, he's not coming back.

-Eddi, he's not an emergency.

-Look, it is whipping out a chunk of flesh.

Really, I could do it. Come on, Sacha, he's bricking it.

No, sorry, I need to stay available for...

Oh, don't tell me. It's muffin o'clock?

-Ms Effanga, a word with you, please.

-Let me waddle to your service.

You understand, I hope, that I respect your decision

-to work until your due date?

-Uh-huh.

-And that by asking

after your progress, I'm not making any judgement about your fitness to work

or your skills or your long-term career choices?

Wow, they really are scared of being sued by pregnant ladies.

Ms Effanga, don't you think you should be at home?

OK, I had a show this morning and I've been getting some pains,

-but I really think it's early days.

-Let's take you off the case.

I'll ask Ms Naylor to do it, if necessary.

I'm one step ahead of you. I'm not daft.

They've said they'll take him on Keller. Serena Campbell will do it.

Well, that's excellent news. Transfer him and head home.

I can't. The mother, she's on her way here.

There's no point going home just to come back in.

At least head down towards Maternity? Just as a precaution?

-No, I don't want to start without her.

-You might not have a choice.

Jonny's gone to get her from work.

She's been through so much. I don't want her to miss anything.

That is understandable, but...

If my waters break, I'm down there. I promise.

If you can finish up those stitches and get him in to recovery, thank you.

Right, who's next?

Mrs Jenning.

What? Saves time.

It's amazing!

Think of it as the hernia Olympics. Theatre notes, please. Thank you.

Now, tell me good news and say we have some no shows.

-I am bored to tears of these already.

-Elective-wise, we're fine.

But emergencies, the boyfriend's still convinced it's an ulcer,

-he's being a bit tricky.

-Is she not Gynae's problem now?

-Well, I tried, but...

-OK, well, is she stable? How are her bloods?

-On their way from AAU. And yes.

-She needs that full ultrasound. Just get her down there.

I had a plan. I thought I could distract him by saying it's an MRI,

take her down the back lifts, and double-back through reception.

-But I'd need permission for fifteen minutes off the ward.

-No.

You're needed here. Elective hernias, our priority.

Very important elective hernias.

-But...

-Now I am sympathetic to her confidentiality issues,

but we cannot be drawn into an area that is essentially not our field.

So get her down there, let her deal with the fallout.

OK. Oh, and I said to Darwin, as a favour, we'd...

No!

No favours. No more sucking up the dross that no-one else wants to do.

Ric might've run this place like the court of Versailles,

but I will not. Are we clear?

Jonny, mate? Jonny, are you there?

How you doing?

Mate, they're like every ten minutes now.

Er... Take a paracetamol?

-Seriously, what do I do?

-Have your waters gone?

-No.

Well, that's a good sign.

Just hang on in there. I'm right outside her office.

HE PANTS

Chantelle, I give you the gift of Haseen.

We've not got a bed for you yet, so we'll just pop you here for now

-if that's OK.

-I'm all right in the chair. Better off upright, cos of the acid reflux.

-Great!

I'll leave you to it, yeah? Just got to go and, you know,

-go have a baby.

-Oh, so much good luck!

-Do you know when's it going to be?

-Could be pretty soon.

Remember, pain is just a sign it's going well!

-SHE GROANS IN PAIN

-Oh, Mo?

-I'm fine.

Betadine. Honestly, don't bother with the gas and air.

I'll just go and get my bag.

-Sorry, who is this patient?

-Mr Usman. Hiatus hernia.

-And you're dumping him here why?

-Staffing issue on Darwin.

-Well, we have staffing issues too,

so I'm asking you, please, deal with your own problems.

You can ask, but I'm out of here.

-Fine, I'll refer it up to Mr Hanssen.

-That's fine by me. That's the Olympics guy.

You're joking. You are actually joking... Ms Effanga!

Jayne, can you please take care of Mr Usman?

Nice girl. I'm in the opening ceremony, you know.

What did I just say?

Concentrate on elective hernias.

Exactly! So why you did you accept a patient from another ward?

Cos he's an elective hernia.

But not OUR elective hernia. Not on OUR list.

For heaven's sake, it's a simple enough instruction!

Mo's gone into labour.

Oh. Right, well, you've got a window to get her down to Obs and Gynae.

-Well, off you go.

-Obs and Gynae have just closed to new patients.

Have I got cancer?

The doctor will remove it and then we'll test it.

Right, when will that be?

-As soon as they can.

-Look, I'm not sure I can stay.

I'm not ready for it. I'm not psyched.

Think about something else. Are you going to watch the Olympics?

Er...

When's it on again?

OK. Just let your mind go completely blank. Yeah?

So you're on the beach and you can hear the waves

and they're lapping up against the shore.

And the palms are swaying and the waves are lapping...

Right, look, I've got him hypnotised. It's our only chance.

-Stop pressurising me!

-What, to do some work?

-I don't think you're calling it right.

Please, Sacha, I'll even ask you nicely.

Look, I know you're throwing yourself into...

Stopping a man dying of cancer? Well, call me a maverick! Call me

-someone who goes the extra mile. Will you just do it?!

-Eddi?

-What?!

-You know that guy you just hypnotised?

-Yes.

-He's leaving...

-Where are you going?

-I've dropped my keys somewhere.

-Really?

I've forgotten something, I'm sure of it.

Like you forgot to get yourself checked out. Back into bed.

Come on.

MO GASPS AND GROANS

-Jonny Mac, what's happening?

-Right, she's in with a patient.

-Can you interrupt?

-I can't interrupt.

They had to section some kid's dad.

-I can't just burst in.

-Come on, dude, it's getting pretty hairy here.

I can't burst in! You'll have to start without her.

I'm telling you to start without her. That's an order.

It's fine, I'm fine, I'm coping. I'm just hot, really hot.

Take your top off, get some fresh air if you can.

She got you that TENS machine, remember?

-Listen, actually, can you interrupt?

-Sorcia Winter's office, please?

Thank you.

Just if she sees you, she can wind it up.

OK, I'll try. But promise me.

She wouldn't want you to risk anything, yeah?

-OK, I'll call you back.

-Errrrgh.

TENS doesn't work. Everyone knows that.

-Sorry, how many babies you had?

-How close are the contractions?

About every five minutes.

Right, are we going to do this the easy way

or do I have to drag you downstairs kicking and screaming?

Look, I know this looks mad but... I have my reasons.

What? You want Elliot to be your birthing partner?

The baby's natural mother needs to be here.

She's my birthing partner.

-What do you mean "natural"?

-I'm having this baby for a friend.

It's hers. I'm just...

I'm just carrying it.

So you're not going off on maternity leave?

-No, sorry, does that ruin your plans?

-Yeah, kinda. Why didn't you tell me?

Why do you need to know? AAGH!

-Right. Maternity, now. Come on.

-No!

-I promised she wouldn't miss anything!

-I don't care.

I don't want you splurging baby over my clean ward. Wait there!

-Leave that!

-It's too soon. They'll send us back.

-When was the last one?

-About three minutes ago.

-Get in.

Oh, God.

SHE GASPS AND GROANS

OK, while you scrub in, you prep patient four,

then when you're done on patient five,

you can be opening on six while I'm debriefing on three.

Production line, make sense? Good.

Hi, Nana.

I just wanted to say if it doesn't arrive tomorrow, it'll be Thursday.

I can't get into town this lunchtime and the stamps won't cover it.

Sorry, Nana. I know you need it for your arthritis.

OK, I love you to bits, best nan in the world, bye!

Whatever it is, put it in the out-tray in my office.

-I can't do that. It's stealing.

-It's not, it's compensation.

I could work an extra half an hour for free,

or I could just take one slice of pizza, or...

Enough already!

The madness has to stop.

Fine, get me the head of midwifery!

I AM the head of midwifery.

We're not leaving.

I'm sorry, I can't magic a bed out of nowhere.

Now, I'm sorry but I have to put my foot down.

I've got other ladies in here more progressed than your friend,

-I have to prioritise them.

-You haven't even examined her!

-Have your waters gone?

-No.

-If she can talk,

she can get to the Wyvern Birthing Centre. I'll call ahead.

Come on, dear, on your feet, best to keep moving.

No. I can't. It's planned to be here.

-Everyone's meeting me...here.

-WBC's lovely, you'll be fine.

I'm sorry but we're full to the rafters. Baby boom.

-Blame the recession.

-Look, I'm not being funny,

but you do realise that I'm a senior member of staff here?

If you're that important, why don't you can get an ambulance to take you and your friend?

-Fine! I'll just ring Mr Hanssen.

-Fine,

and by the time you get an appointment, your friend will be

at home snuggled up with baby in the comfort of her own lounge.

This is me calling Mr Hanssen on his personal mobile number. I'm going to get him

-to come down here and overrule you.

-You don't have his personal mobile.

PHONE RINGS

-Ms Naylor?

-Hello, Henrik?

I wonder if I could ask you to call me Mr Hanssen, please?

Yes... Me too... Henrik, I'm down in maternity and...

Fine! You win. I'll...

I'll make room.

And they're being really very helpful.

-Who is it?

-Er, it's Jonny.

-What's happened?

-Switch your phone on!

It's on silent when I'm with patients. Is Mo OK?

-It's going faster than expected.

-What?!

It just started happening.

Oh, my...! OK, I'll be 15 minutes.

-Can someone take over?

-No, they only trust me.

-Oh, no. Oh, no! Am I going to miss it?

-No, of course not.

Just do what you have to do but quickly.

HE SIGHS

-Sorry, no room at the inn.

-But if you had done due diligence,

you'd know she should've gone to obs and gynae.

-Obs and gynae are closed.

-They have now.

You'll have to get her transferred to St James's or find someone else.

Surely in the time it took to do this,

you could've done the ultrasound?

We don't have the kit. Anyway, I've got six more hernias to do. We're NOT picking up your slack!

Severe abdo pain, suspected ulcer equals a legit pass to Keller.

You know that, I know that.

Look, we're all busy.

So I'm asking you as a colleague. just for today.

No more emergency referrals. What do you say?

Not up to me. It's a Michael thing.

But he's not here and you're easily skilled to make these calls.

Come on, you know what Sacha's capable of, let's keep him occupied.

-What's in it for me?

-Well, between you and me, I need someone on Keller

who can really kick the place into shape.

Someone prepared to go the extra mile.

-A workaholic with no personal life?

-Perfect.

Look, I'm not guaranteeing anything but you know,

if we can demonstrate a good working relationship...

Fine, just for today. No more emergencies.

You're a life saver. I owe you.

Here you go - this is our training room,

we'll be back to check you in a bit.

No, no, sorry. You're not just going to leave her here?

-Is there any reason to think there might be complications? You're not breech, are you, dear?

-Uh-uh.

-Then you're fine as you are. There's the gas and air.

-No drugs.

-Whatever you say, dear.

-I'm sorry, has it escaped your notice that this woman is in labour?

Give her my birthing plan.

-I'll let you keep that.

-Well, what happens next?

-Try and help her keep her mind off it.

-With what? Canasta?

Did you bring a book or a jigsaw or something, dear?

Just hold her hand and give her the gas.

We'll be back to help Mum with the leg work.

Yes. You do remember me telling you I am a surgeon here?

OK, leave her on her own then.

-Ring Jonny, let him know I'm here.

-Fine.

SHE SCREAMS

Ugh. Right. Here, take some of this.

-No. Wait till the second stage.

-Wow, you really did the course!

If it gets bad, I'll need it then.

Well, it looks bad to me, Mo.

No, it's fine. I'm cool.

-Take your jacket off.

-Look as we know, I am no expert in all of this.

But judging by the frequency of those,

-I would say you're not in the first phase.

-No, if it was transition,

it'd be like more like... Daaarrrrgh! Jeez!

-Every 30 seconds. That's just great!

-Take your jacket off.

-No, I'm fine.

-Take your jacket off! You're making me feel hot!

That's good. It all looks normal.

-I'm so sorry.

-No, I'm sorry.

We didn't get you to the right department.

-You should have told me when you first got in. It would have saved all this hassle.

-I know.

It's just we're kind of in the middle of breaking up.

I wanted to save him the added grief, I suppose.

SHE GROANS

-You feel sick?

-Yeah, I think so. I feel awful.

Take that, it will give you some oxygen

and I'll go and speak with the doctor.

-Are you done?

-She needs the doctor.

-Is someone chasing her endoscopy notes?

-Stop hassling them, OK?

-There might be some clue in them.

-Let them do their jobs.

-Fine!

-I'll just go, shall I?

-No, of course not.

-Oh, ooh.

-SHE WRETCHES

-Can I get some help over here, please?

-It's not normal, is it?

She'll be OK but I do need to refer this.

Come on, Declan, let's give her some space. Let's go.

Can you just wait here for a minute?

-Where is Sacha?

-He's in theatre.

Great! Who's bright idea...?

It looks like my operation's been delayed.

Will someone find Danny and say sorry from me? I mean, personally?

He's put so much work into it, I feel like I'm letting him down.

Many thanks.

What are you doing?

I'm collecting the endoscopy fax. Try and speed things up.

-They're confidential notes!

-If you can't be bothered to treat her,

-I'm stepping in!

-You need to hand those to me!

What, and wait another three hours for nothing?

-Hand them to me, please!

-No, she paid for these!

-This is the wrong patient!

-Thanks for your help.

-PHONE RINGS

-That's her.

-Can I get it? Mo?

-JAC:

-'Yeah. Is that Sorcia?'

Yes. Are you with Mo? Tell her get to Maternity!

-Kinda two steps ahead of you. Where are you?

-10, 15 minutes, max.

You might want to get wiggle on. I think she's in transition.

How's the gas and air? Tell her to take whatever she needs.

-That's not your call.

-I know!

She just said she wanted my input. I'm sorry, who are you?

Just get here, OK?

Agh, agh, agh, agh, AGH!

OK, moron, just get some drugs in you. She's nearly here.

I'm not getting anything.

Oh, for the love of...!

Can we PLEASE get some help in here?

Shoulders! Shoulders!

OK, OK it's fine.

SHE GROANS You can do this. Keep going. You're fine. You can do this...

Please can we get some help! She's going Gollum on me!

Please! Don't leave. Please.

-Give those notes back to me before I call security.

-Did you know?

I will not discuss a patient's confidential...

Is a hysteroscopy another word for an abortion?

I can't discuss this with you.

-So it is an abortion?

-No.

It's a test to see what condition the womb is in.

Now give them back.

Right. Why do you have that? Why would you lie about it?

That you will have to ask Erin yourself.

-What is it, internal bleeding?

-What's happened?

-Abdomen's tender, something's going on.

-I'm taking her now.

-Ring Keller theatre, get them to put my hernias on hold.

-I'll do it, I'm prepped.

No, she was in my care. Where are her bloods?

We forwarded them. Why is she back from Keller?

Gynae is not taking anyone new and Keller's closed to emergencies.

Great. Another back of the envelope decision by management.

-Eddi did the ultrasound and it's not another miscarriage.

-What miscarriage?

-I'd rather do it myself.

-We can't waste any time.

-When did she have a miscarriage?

-Fine, do a midline laparotomy.

-I know what I'm doing. I've dealt with emergencies before.

Someone just tell me what's going on!

I can't I'm afraid. I'm due in theatre.

SPITS AND GROANS

Good swearing, excellent swearing. You OK?

Mmm.

-So was this what you signed up for?

-Not funny.

Well, rather you than me. Must be a good friend.

Legend.

She was our old boss when Jonny and I were on general surgery.

Do I know her?

Possibly not. She retrained in child psychiatry.

-Fun(!)

-After she had ovarian cancer.

Oh, right, I see.

Well. Can't say I'd do this... Ow, ow! Maureen! Fingers!

I am going to DIE!

No. You're fine, everything's fine.

-I'm dying Jac! I'm dying!

-Not dying, perfectly normal. OK?

-I'm cool, I'm fine, sorry, sorry.

-Midwife! Now!

-Take my mind off it. Distract me.

-Will you be watching the Olympics?

I've got tickets for the hockey in the last week.

-You didn't think you might want to rest up after this then.

-I thought I'd be on my feet in 24 hours.

Just hand the kid over and job done.

You know, back off and leave her to it.

Three's a crowd and all that.

-How are we doing?

-Did you not hear the screaming.

-It's when we don't hear screaming, that we worry.

Can I examine you?

Get yourself on the bed

Here we go. That's it. There we go.

MO GASPS AND GROANS

OK.

There we go.

And this is where I stop watching.

Open your legs for me please.

JAC'S PHONE RINGS They are open!

-No, they're closed.

-Jonny. Perfect timing.

Now, you might feel a bit of discomfort.

AGH! What are you doing, you witch?!

-Which way is it?

-Follow me. How's she doing Jac?

-Can you ask about the heartbeat? The baby's heartbeat?

-How's the baby doing?

-The midwife's not concerned about the baby.

-I'm not putting the baby first.

-I mean the midwife is not concerned about the baby.

-Of course. Sorry.

The baby's OK. Mo is OK. Everything is OK. Except Mo keeps screaming.

-Ow! Please, stop.

-Sorry dear, I have to do this.

Please just wait for this contracTION!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Goodness me, you're ten centimetres.

-What?!

-You're a quickie aren't you?

-Ten?

-Doesn't that mean you immensely mis-diagnosed her when she came in?

No, it just means someone's in a hurry.

Your waters will break naturally when baby comes out.

-You're ready to push.

-I'm not!

She's not had any pain relief? This is a joke!

Don't say they put the dud one in here? Well, very well done you. That was the worst bit.

She's been in agony!

Now, do you have a preferred position?

Let me see that birth plan, dear, please.

Right, so let's get you sitting up. Lovely, that's it.

And Sorcia, I want you to you over here because you're going to be bearing all the weight.

-I am NOT Sorcia.

-It's fine. I'll grip on to...

Oh, for goodness sake. What do you want me to do?

That's it so you put one hand here and the other hand up here.

That's it... Really firm. You grab really nice. Firm. That's lovely.

Lovely couple.

Dead segment of small bowel. Looks embolic.

Right, small bowel resection please, thank you.

Just heard from the lab and guess what she's hypercoagulable.

Brilliant work, lab! You tell us now, why don't you? When she's on the table.

They thought she was going to gynae first.

Fantastic. How it came to this, I just don't know.

That might be my fault.

Do you know what, I knew it I should check this out more.

Well. You were just trying to get the guy his biopsy, that's all.

And on the upside, we can have a bit of a chat whilst we work.

-So what's a news with you?

-Honestly, I am fine Sacha.

I'm just trying to focus on my work.

Well, be careful. You don't want to end up like Jac.

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry.

-It's fine. Absolutely fine.

-JAC WINCES

-Excellent hand crushing, Maureen. Not like I'm a surgeon or anything.

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

Here we go, hernia ten. Much like hernias one to nine.

You know the drill friends.

-Ms Campbell?

-I'm going as fast as I can.

Sister Williams has just called. It turns out Erin Barker's got a blood clotting problem.

Great(!) Tell haematology, get her some Warfarin,

tell Sacha I'll be down to deal with the fallout

as soon as I've done this.

It's my fault. I told obs and gynae but I didn't...

This is ridiculous! Why are we pushing patients between wards?!

-You told me to!

-It was a rhetorical question.

Why are we pushing them round wards, causing confusion, duplication

and all round cack-handedness when the system could be vastly

simplified if everyone just did the job they are paid to do!

OK, rant over.

Also, Mr Hanssen called, said it was important.

Tell him I'm on a sun lounger sipping martinis.

-That would be a fib.

-It would indeed.

I've made a complaint. I had to do something.

OK. Thanks for the warning. She's going to be waking up in about half an hour.

-Do you all think I'm a total idiot?

-No.

Look, she's going to be in bed for a couple of weeks so it might be

a really good opportunity for you guys to have a talk.

Yeah(!) She'll be back on the Blackberry in 24 hours. That firm has her brainwashed!

She told me about your break up, I'm sorry.

-What break up?

-Um... Er...

Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick.

Great. This is how I hear about it. Brilliant.

Thanks, Erin.

I think next time, leave the soft stuff to the experts.

How are you doing?

Have I been in a fight?

No, you've had a biopsy removed from your leg.

-We're waiting for the results.

-Where's Lewis?

-Who's Lewis?

-I've left Lewis in the car!

Gareth, it's like 1,000 degrees outside!

Where are my keys?! I told you, I lost the keys.

I need to save Lewis! He hates the car anyway.

No, no, you're not going anywhere.

-Tell me what kind of car you've got and I'll do it!

-Silver Corsa.

Smashed brake lights and the passenger's side mirror,

you just pull that and it will just come off...

Right, out of the way, Sacha! Get out... Move, fatty!

Oh my God! What happened? Where's the fire?!

MO SCREAMS

That's it, you're doing really, really well.

It's perfectly normal, everything fine.

Can you give her an epidural or something?!

Way past that stage, dear.

-I want you to give me another really big push.

-I AM pushing!

-Yes, but this time I want you to really, really go for it.

-MO SCREAMS

Look! This woman is in agony,

I want you to give her 25mg intramuscular pethidine this minute!

She'll be fine in a minute! Now this time after three, really big push!

-One, two...

-I can't.

-Yes, you can!

-It's stuck!

-Nothing's stuck. Come on, one, two.

-This is sadism!

-Nope, this is crowning.

-Crowning?

She's only been pushing five minutes!

Yes, she's a very lucky lady. Come on mummy, just a couple more...

You can do it, this one might sting a bit. That's it.

-MO SCREAMS

-Yes. Got you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hello? Someone! Please?

HE KNOCKS Bit of attention here!

We're too late. I can just tell.

We're not too late.

MO SCREAMS

Yes, here we go.

Moment of truth -

-it's a boy.

-BABY CRIES

A boy, really?

Is this a shock?

No. We just didn't want to know until this moment.

I think it's nicer this way -

Mum's privilege to be the first to know.

I think it's all a bit of a shock.

Do you want him cleaned up or straight to you?

Cleaned up.

We recommend leaving the cord.

Clamp the cord, she wants cleaned up.

We recommend skin to skin for bonding.

Look, just clamp the cord, clean up the baby. Mo, are you OK?

Yeah, just a bit, um...

Well done, dear.

Now do you want the injection for the delivery of the placenta?

I don't care.

Please, just...just get on with what happens next.

Whatever happens next is up to Mum.

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

Silver Corsa, broken brake light...

There!

Oh, God. Is he all right?

Idiot! What an idiot!

-No window open or anything.

-Right, move.

Come on, boy.

It's OK, it's OK. Come on boy.

So it's good news.

We removed the dead segment of bowel

and then joined it back up again. Do you follow?

Yeah, I think so. Thank you.

And I'm not saying we've got a eureka moment here,

but the coagulopathy could have contributed to the miscarriage.

Not a womb problem?

No. A blood one, treatable with drugs.

So I can carry a baby?

Well, I talked to a friend of mine in obstetrics

and she thought probably yes.

In fact, she owes me, so I'm sure I can get her to see you ASAP.

Oh, God...

However, the circumstances of your collapse

necessitated a discussion about your history,

which your partner...

Which he heard?

-SHE SIGHS

-OK.

I can say you're sleeping.

Er...

No, no.

I'll think of something.

I shouldn't have involved you in my ridiculous pantomime of a life

-in the first place.

-Don't be silly.

SHE SIGHS

Er, what do I say?

What's the truth?

I don't know.

I know I want a family.

I just...

I can't see myself having one with him.

And it just...

-crystallised it.

-PHONE RINGS

I'm sorry.

Um...

Option One. Straight talking.

"I've realised I want kids, just not with you.

"I want to split up."

Option Two?

Um...

"It's not you, it's me"?

Yeah, you might be better with Option One.

Look, I know it's not easy but, you know...

Why tell the truth when you can talk your way out?

Because even if you run rings around them, it can backfire.

Believe me.

I'll leave you to it.

Good luck.

Mr Usman.

The great man himself.

Honoured!

It's reached my ears you've been cancelled...

Did Danny Boyle kick off?

Well, he may've spoken one or two of the other porters, yes.

I know I'm not urgent, just...

Well, you work here 20 years, you hope for a few perks.

Of course. And it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And good publicity for the hospital.

Indeed. But, in this case, we must respect the clinician's call, I'm afraid.

I understand your disappointment.

I just wanted you to be in charge of the facts. Ms Campbell?

I am wearing my cloak of invisibility.

Well, fortunately, I have on my night-vision goggles

and I can see right through your cloak of invisibility.

Ten hernias down, two to go. You may walk in my wake.

Or even give us 20 quid for the pizza fund.

Can we have a word in your office, please?

-Oh, come on. How can

-I

-be in trouble!?

Is this because I didn't prioritise the PR stunt?

No, you failed to diagnose bowel ischaemia.

Right, so this is Erin Barker?

Why, how many other blockages have you failed to diagnose? Shall we?

Don't you go getting into any more trouble, Lewis.

Thank you.

Who knew you had the strength of ten men, eh?

I don't know.

Grr! The red mist just took over.

You don't suppose you'd be carrying any pent-up aggression?

Y'know, just asking.

No. It's just another ordinary day.

Full of surprises.

We've been waiting for ten minutes. It's outrageous!

I know, just that I have some ladies in here giving birth

and I like to put them first.

We're looking for Mo Effanga.

Ahh!

Well, you missed the big event. It's a little boy.

Congratulations.

A boy?

Is he OK?

Oh, yes. Mother and son snuggled up nicely.

Piece of cake it was.

Do you want a look?

I don't know.

Well, I think you should at least hold him.

I don't want to.

I don't want to get attached.

Jac, you've met me, right?

I'm a soft-hearted cow at the best of times. I can't risk it.

Which begs the question - why did you agree to this?

Because I'm a soft-hearted cow.

I just want to hand him over and move on.

Look, I'm not being heavy but a baby knows when it's being rejected.

-All the literature...

-He's not being rejected.

Trust me, they know. It's neurological.

My mum walked out of the hospital and just left me there...

And you turned out all right.

My point exactly.

He's not my baby.

It's not that I don't love him, I just...

If it's any consolation, he seriously looks nothing like you.

Please. Just cuddle him till she comes.

I just don't want to have to say hello and then goodbye.

OK, if you're sure.

Hello, you.

Look, seriously, just have one go. In case you regret it.

Please, Mo, don't throw away a chance you might not get again.

No. Sorcia's getting...

Sorcia's getting everything.

Just do this for yourself.

She wasn't presenting in pain or with any contraindications,

we had an unachievable list - which we've almost achieved -

and you told me to run my ward MY way,

so I took the executive decision to close to non-electives.

You did what?

Oh. That isn't what this is about?

You closed the ward to non-electives?

Yes.

Right and how did that little scheme pan out?

Well, we will hit our targets

and patients downstairs were seen more efficiently.

I won't deny some unintended consequences

caused by early-stage confusion.

-Of course.

-It's because we move people around so much that communication errors occur -

that much became clear.

Validating my initial instinct.

That's interesting. Perhaps we should trial it for a longer period.

Well, it'd certainly improve my throughput...

And AAU will concur will they?

Of course.

You're just annoyed you didn't think of it yourself!

He's not even at the puking stage.

OK.

Thank you, Jac.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mo, are you decent?

Oh, my God! Come in!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, is that...?

Yeah! That's him! Take him!

Oh, my good...!

Oh, my...!

What colour are his eyes?

We don't know. He hasn't opened them.

-Really?

-See?

You're the first thing he's going to see.

Everything's going to be OK.

-SOBBING:

-Hello. Hello, little baby.

Oh, don't, you'll set us all off!

Mo, I cannot tell you... Thank you. Thank you so much.

Forget it. It was worth it.

I'm so sorry. Was it awful?

-Well, it wasn't...

-She had no pain relief.

My waters didn't break. So we just thought it was early labour.

You are officially a living legend.

And extremely screwed when the endorphins wear off.

SHE SIGHS

Glass?

I think I'll head off. My work here is done.

Jac, thank you.

Well, I've had less surreal experiences but you're welcome.

Right, too many people in here. Mum needs to rest

That's my cue.

You're welcome, dear.

Right, I just need to take him for a once-over with the paediatrician.

Paeds? Why, is something wrong?

No, it's just a check-up.

So do I have mum's permission to whisk him away for a bit?

Sorcia's the baby's mother.

Yes, but I need YOUR permission. You gave birth to him.

Yeah, of course.

Can I come with you?

Is Mum happy with that?

Yeah.

She'll be fine.

Yeah.

You OK? Want to talk about it?

Big day and all that.

No.

I think she's got a can of gin and tonic in her bag.

Actually, you know what? I'd quite like to be on my own.

Done.

Ah! Shall I order pizza?

Yes, we have completed the 12 electives

and narrowly missed a fine from the regulator.

However, there is one more hernia left to do.

Mr Usman.

I thought you said he was on someone else's list?

He is, but sometimes you do just have to suck up the dross no-one else can do.

Good news, Mr Usman - we're going to get you to that ceremony.

After two false starts, on your marks, get set...

Someone call Danny!

HE CHUCKLES

KNOCK ON DOOR

How are we doing?

Have the painkillers kicked in yet?

How's the baby?

-Has nobody been in?

-No.

I'm sorry, dear. Yes, he's doing really well.

The paediatrician's signed him off,

so he can go home with his other mummy.

Oh, right.

Have you been for a walk yet?

I just want to lie here.

It's best to get on your feet, dear. The sooner the better.

In a few days' time, this will all seem like a bad dream.

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