Devil in the Detail Holby City

Stephen, agency nurse.

-Since when did you have a problem with male nurses?

-I don't.

I'm not gay.

I can still like you.

Your micro-management regime is just ridiculous.

If you think a smile is going to make me think twice

about cutting you open, then you're every bit as naive as you look.

In light of the tragic death of Sunil Bhatti, the board has decided

to postpone the opening of the new plastics department indefinitely.

-I'm going to resign.

-I accept your resignation,

Mr Spence, but on my terms, not yours.

MUSIC: "A Sadness Runs Through Him" by The Hoosiers

# People are puppets Held together with string

# There's a beautiful sadness That runs through him... #

HE KNOCKS AGAIN

# As he asked me to pray to the god He doesn't believe in... #

Oh, come on.

# Time and again boys Are raised to be men

# Impatient they start Fearful they end

# But here was a man Mourning tomorrow

# He drank, but finally Drowned in his sorrow

# He could not brace up his tension

# He looked in the wrong place for redemption

# Don't look at me with those eyes... #

-Hi.

-Hi.

# Turn back the time that drew him

# He couldn't be saved, no

# He couldn't be saved

# A sadness runs through him

# A sadness runs through him

# A sadness runs through him

# Sadness runs through him

# Sadness runs. #

You are kidding me? It's ridiculous!

She's only doing her job.

-Ask the lab, I'm clear!

-You gave Gillian a nasal swab, right?

Theatre liaison manager?

-A made up job if ever I heard one.

-Hanssen's big dogsbody, more like.

-You said you'd talk to him.

-Yes, and I tried.

-Tell him we're grinding to a standstill...

-He's snowed under at the moment.

-And anyway, I'm...

-You're too chicken?

-No, I'm waiting for patients to arrive.

-Six electives cancelled,

half the nurses on pre-operative communication training, whatever that is,

and the best surgeon not operating because of a paperwork backlog!

-I'm about to go insane.

-Steady, it's not Sahira's fault.

That's it, take her side.

Elliot, back me up.

And thus, like the sea-monster, they turn in and devour each other.

Just an observation.

OK, I will try. I will talk to him, I will.

-Are you even listening to me?

-Yes.

-And?

-I think you're on thin ice,

And I suggest you toe the line. Would you like a reference?

You're giving me the dog cases, I get it.

I even understand the risk-management, punishment detail thing.

But Holbycare? I'm not even under contract with you for that.

No place to hide, eh?

Oh, and I assume you'll understand why we've waived the bonus.

All right, I get it, this whole thing is a huge deal, all right?

Look, I'm kicking out five grand a month in maintenance.

-You don't even know what it's like to have four kids.

-How do you know?

-Benny, Bjorn, Little Agnetha could be...

-Oh, you're loving this.

-What, hitting you where it hurts?

-What, my kids?

No, your wallet, Mr Spence.

Dans le portefeuille.

Well done, yay, you did it. It's not so bad, is it?

Let me introduce you to some of the gang.

Yay, play school.

OK. Hold hands?

Yeah, sure, we'll hold hands.

This is Greg, he's a doctor, like me.

This is Jamal, he's my VIP.

Hey, Jamal, nice warm coat you've got there.

-And this is Jac...

-Needed, in outpatients.

Jac, is a doctor, too.

-Jamal's having problems with breathing.

-Can't breathe.

-So, we're going to have a little explore in your throat...

-Can't breathe!

And this is Gillian, she's a nurse, a sort of...paper person.

Paper person.

I'm a nurse.

OK, love, let's get HCA to get you in the bath and into bed, eh?

No, thank you.

No, I have promised Jamal the royal treatment.

Yes, just, aren't you in theatre?

Don't worry about that, I've swapped with Greg.

PHONE RINGS

-Does Mr Hanssen know?

-He doesn't need to.

I think maybe he does.

Surely I don't have to clear that with him?

Come on.

Paper person.

Gillian Kavanagh?

Well, I'm thinking cake...

Americano, please, and a latte for the lady.

Is there any sport you don't play?

You mean socially, or at county level?

A present - all my cases.

Seriously?

Yup, I am in Wedmin hell.

Got to book the honeymoon before I fly out tonight.

Winter sun, eh? It's a hard life.

Work, actually - world symposium on upper limb trauma management.

-In Miami.

-It's all graft in Orthopaedics.

How many toe breaks do I have?

Any problems, I'm down on AAU today.

BIRD CHEEPS

Hello.

CHEEPS

Is that the revised list or the revised revised list?

Go and see if we've made the netball team, I can't take the tension.

-There's a netball team?

-Bed list.

You know, like we used to have on computer?

Then some stuff went down, now everything needs two letters

-before we go old school and, like, heal the sick.

-You made it.

Got your little late change.

Hey! Putting the micro back into micro management.

Be handing out toilet passes next.

Who's the Crohn's guy?

Lovely guy, bed three.

Tell him I'm just finding out about jabs

and I'm just chasing up the biopsy now.

Sigmoid colectomy.

Sure you can handle it?

Hilarious.

Gary, my name is Michael Spence...

-I know who you are, mate.

-Well, I've got to take care of some things,

after that, we'll go to theatre, get you sorted out.

-Get me kecks off, get in the bed, right?

-You know the drill.

Yeah, whatever, mate, I just want it done right.

Beneath this calm exterior lies a man writhing in agony.

OK.

Ah, now, about your sigmoid colectomy...

Mr Bickerton!

Gillian, hi, I'm Michael Spence.

Traditionally we introduce ourselves to each other,

but I'm guessing due to my notoriety

-you've decided to dispense with the formalities.

-Actually, we met before.

I covered as ward sister on AAU last year.

Right, sorry.

Nurses all look the same, eh?

-Anyway, sigmoid colectomy?

-I'm afraid it's been bumped.

-We're cancelling all non-urgents.

-I just told him he's going!

-Sorry, didn't make the list.

-Is that a joke?

-Change the list!

-I know it's inconvenient...

-What a bunch of crap,

-You couldn't tell me this five minutes ago?!

-I only just got this information.

If you want to change the system, talk to Mr Hanssen.

Good timing - for you, I even took out little red devils.

I figured you didn't have time for supper.

Or lunch. Or breakfast.

Look, if there's anything I can do, you know,

It just seems like you've taken on quite a lot.

Thank you.

-How's your appetite?

-Couldn't be better.

Right.

Look, we need to talk, about Gillian.

Oh, yes, Ms Kavanagh.

-I think she's got off on the wrong foot.

-More like - how do I put this? -

treading on people's toes.

Yes, so I'd like you to buddy her, if you would.

You're good on the soft stuff - help her make friends.

-OK...

-I thought you said you wanted to help?

-Well, yes, I do.

-Excellent.

OK, superior suite with harbour view.

You have a nanny service, right?

Looking at dodgy websites again?

Found it under the begonias, by the gazebo.

Honeymoon, no expense spared.

-Finally got your arse in gear.

-Sorry, I'll have to call you back.

-Do you know what that irritating cow's done now?

-Enlighten me.

-Gillian?

-She said it's a conflict of interests for us to treat Stephen, cos he's a friend.

Stephen?

Yeah, the agency nurse, terribly good looking?

As good looking as us?

The gay one.

Oh, him! He's in, is he?

Yeah, he's done something to his wrist.

Nice surprise, though.

Come on. I've put this on now.

I am sorry, but it's not my call.

-Yeah, right.

-No, really, it isn't.

-What, some bloke slipped you a couple of tenners, did he?

-No.

-I read the papers.

-You've been deemed non-urgent.

-By who?

It's a clinical judgement based on your blood test.

Mr Spence, I'm in agony.

-We can manage the discomfort.

-Don't "discomfort" me.

Agony, flamin' agony, like, 11 out of 10.

-I understand your disappointment, but...

-I'm not disappointed, I'm furious.

All I'm saying is give her a chance.

-Did Hanssen tell you to say this?

-No.

I agree.

-She has suffered terribly with her back.

-Really?

Yeah, an 18 month sicky for sciatica. ("Depression").

Good, not evil.

-So it's a pity job?

-Unless she's sleeping with Hanssen.

'Oh, Henrik, you're so handsome!'

What? She did it with Michael.

Two words - Lord Byrne.

Check on Mr Kingsley.

I can't find his social worker's case number or any reference codes.

I don't think he has a social worker, he lives with his mum.

Oh, typical GP! Don't bother with the admin.

Actually the GP's a friend of mine and my husband's.

-They rang and asked us if...

-Give him the VIP treatment?

It's been cleared by Mr Hanssen.

OK, Mr Kingsley bathed, clothes bagged and into new pyjamas, please.

And this might be a fire hazard.

Right, so how long have you had these breathing problems for, Jamal?

Kate, forget the bath, and can you get a nebuliser please?

Since Melody died.

And who's Melody?

My best friend.

Right, and what happened after Melody died?

I...I put her in the bag and threw her in the river.

But the police got her and, and...

gave me back the bag.

Is Melody one of your animals?

There's Melody from the paddock

and Melody who is a dog.

Who is dead.

Who was a bitch!

Rude word! Rude word! Bad word!

-Rude word...

-It's OK, Jamal, calm down. Can we?

Be right back.

Should you not call his mother?

No, look, she gets one week's respite holiday a year,

and it clashed with this which is why I said I'd personally...

You don't seem to know a lot about him, he's clearly vulnerable.

Actually, he's pretty independent, he even has a job.

Like I said, this is a favour.

No!

For a friend of a friend?

Are you sure about this?

C'mon, come out. I've called you a cab.

No! I'm going to do something stupid!

Well, Gary, this is already kind of stupid.

I'm going to neck the bleach.

-C'mon, come out, we'll have a rational discussion.

-No.

I can't take it any more, it's going to break me this time.

Look, it's just going to be a couple of weeks, we'll get you a new slot.

-They won't give me the time off.

-I will write them a letter,

-and I will explain everything.

-They won't believe it!

"Oh, another sicky, Gary? Been watching the match, Gary?"

They think I'm blagging about the pain.

Well, I will explain to them in the letter about the pain.

Won't matter, they'll think I've blagged you.

I'm a joke down there.

-Surely if a doctor...

-I'm at last chance saloon!

Please!

I need the money!

I've already lost 50 quid for today.

Gary, my hand's are tied.

There are no more slots.

50 quid's nothing to you, is it?

How much do you make?

Probably like, 50 grand or something.

Look, I have a no show.

Please, mate, do something!

I'm at the end of the line here.

I need the money!

OK, look, I will think about it.

Now, is there someone you want me to call for you, a partner, anyone?

No.

She thinks I'm a loser.

So do the kids.

Problem?

Are you doing that staring thing?

You know, checking on me to see if I'm broody?

That'd be a no.

I'm getting it all the time now.

"Ooh, you'll be a lovely mummy, when are you starting a family?"

Never ends.

Hm, do these people actually know you?

Thermometer, please.

I hate it up here.

I'm sure the parents will be thrilled.

It's so heavy, does my head in.

-Come on, tell me what happened.

-Not saying. Too embarrassing.

I'm sure I've heard worse.

All right.

I'm running along, see a fence, think, "I can jump that."

Apparently not.

Thing is, the fence was, um...

..yay high.

See, that's the problem with exercising.

Swelling's quite bad,

but there doesn't seem to be any neurovascular compromise.

I'm sure it's fine.

Just my friend insisted.

Friend?

Training partner.

(I'm still single.)

So, you managed to drag yourself away?

Yeah, sorry, ruptured Achilles.

That's the problem with cheap stilettos.

-Hello, there, good to see you.

-Likewise.

You're being transferred, yeah?

No, he's not.

What this has to do with theatre liaison, I don't know.

She does have a hotline to the big guy.

He's not leaving. He came here specifically so we could...

Because you'd let me jump the queue?

I guess they're tense about favours. It's understandable.

The politics has quadrupled since you left. I'm going to chase his x-rays.

I think you'll live.

Yeah.

Sorry. I probably didn't even need to come in.

So why did you? Hmm?

Why come to AAU?

Whatever you're trying to do here, it's not going to work.

Where you're going?

Keller. Oliver. Bloody F2.

Right, Jamal, I'm going to need you to stand up, all right?

Can you do that?

-Let me take this your jacket off. You must be boiling.

-Don't touch my coat!

I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

-Right, Jamal. No. No way, OK?

-Hey, Greg, it's OK, I can handle this.

-In your view, should this patient remain alone on the ward?

-He is not alone.

-If you're going to be a rude bugger, no.

-I've got it under control. Thank you.

Pardon me for breathing.

-Now, I hate to pull rank here...

-You pull rank with me? How?

Please don't fight.

Have my coat.

It's just two little letters. Here.

Absolutely, put it on my to-read pile, please.

What's the ETA on that, a couple of months?

Why would I go through everything with a fine tooth comb?

-What possible reason?

-Yeah, all right. The guy's desperate.

-Blood count's still...

-It's the pain.

-Which you measured by...?

-You like to see grown men cry?

Don't answer that.

Wow. Amazing. Western civilisation did not collapse.

-So what's the problem?

-Can we check with Mr Malick?

As I've said, Mr Malick is at the gym

and I'm just taking the slot from his no-show.

Oh. OK. Did Gillian say the slot had become a floater?

-Will you forget Gillian, she's a nobody.

-Mr Spence!

We don't need her to sign it because, look, I've got the little HH.

Did Mr Hanssen really write that?

Of course.

-Only...

-What?

It's usually in black pen.

So, he's having his blue period.

You wouldn't, like, trick me, would you?

I don't mean that in a rude way.

No. OK, it's fine. I see where you're coming from.

Thanks. I'll sort it myself.

Miss Shah, I hear we have a vulnerable patient on the ward

without adequate supervision.

I'm sorry, I did have to refer it.

-We're doing our absolute best to make sure all risk-management procedures...

-Yeah, spare me.

-I know it seems like box-ticking...

-He needs a biopsy. He can barely breathe.

-Has no problem in bellowing, I gather.

-What happened to autonomy and clinical judgement?

We've already had a fracas on Keller this morning.

Frankly, I'm extremely offended by the idea

that just because he has a learning difficulty he's prone to violence.

I never said that.

No, I think Ms Kavanagh means the risk to the patient himself.

He's surrounded by unfamiliar faces

and just because you have chosen to help out a GP friend on the sly...

There's nothing sly about it.

We can't have any more informal arrangements. Surely you understand that?

Why don't we call this GP and social care and get a full picture of his needs.

One step ahead of you, Gilly.

28 years of GP notes and recent meetings of an MDT board.

Are you ready? Here we go.

"Team applaud Mr Kingsley's independence

"and recommend minimal intervention.

"Team congratulate Mr Kingsley on obtaining part time work

"at Wyvern West Children's Zoo."

Happy?

Now, I know chasing paper work is a brilliant use of my time

but, you know, files need to be filled.

-Thank you. I know admin is boring but...

-You said it.

-That's uncalled for, Miss Shah.

-I'm sorry.

I'll get on with actually dealing with my patient, shall I?

Yes, you will,

once I've had a chance to read through these, thank you.

New best friend been telling tales?

It's not that. It's her judgement. I'm not sure she has any.

I could've told you that.

So is it true that she slept with Michael Spence?

-No, just a vicious rumour, apparently.

-Oh.

Did you get my four messages?

-Sorry, delay. Ollie completely ballsed something up...

-Stephen's got pins and needles in his hand.

OK, try raising the...

Could you try? You're the doctor.

OK. Where is he?

-Radiology.

-Oh, right, well, Ollie's really struggling so...

No, I'm mistaken, he's back.

-Wheelchair's a bit OTT, isn't it?

-Shh! Act ill. I'm not giving in to Gillian.

-I'm really not sure we should rock the boat on this.

-Sorry?

I'm joking.

I forgot, I'm marrying Michael McIntyre.

You're getting married?

Yeah! Happened after you left.

Wow. That's...brilliant. Congratulations.

Thank you.

So, how you doing it? Big, small?

I've been convinced somewhere in between.

I have a big family.

Rubbish! He just wants to show me off to the world!

What is the problem?! Hanssen's already said yes.

-I'm not just a yes person.

-Clearly!

-I'm allowed to make these calls.

Yeah, because what do I know about surgery that you don't(?)

Oh, please don't patronise me.

-Mr Bickerton might think his pain's exceptional but...

-But you've crawled inside

-his neurological system and experienced...

-I have worked extensively

in palliative care, so pardon me if I don't think the guy

who can lock himself in the toilet is urgent.

No, this is about something else. This is personal.

-That's irrelevant.

-So you admit it?

How can I not! How can it not be personal?

Oh, my God. You don't even remember, do you?

That's great. That's just great.

C'mon, hit me with it. What did I do?

Did I insult your ability to alphabetise? What?

Summer barbeque? You made a move on me.

Quite a serious move.

-OK.

-And when I said no,

you said that a woman who looked like me should just go for it

while she's got the chance.

That is, er...terrible.

It was very hurtful. And damaging to my self-esteem.

It set me back.

When was this?

It was about the time I took sick leave.

Has no one been in to wash you, this week?

They came but...they didn't help.

Oh. Why not?

Insurance. Paper person.

So you've been completely on your own?

Don't tell Mum. Don't tell Mum. Don't tell Mum.

Mum's on holiday!

-It's OK, it's OK but I'm sure she'd want to...

-Don't tell Mum! Swear on your life!

You have been fed, right?

I like Jaffa Cakes.

Has no one been in to give you a hot meal? I thought that was the whole plan?

46 Jaffa Cakes. In the cupboard.

And Rice Crispies. And Ricicles.

Er, Eve, can you ensure that he gets a hot meal after the operation, please?

What's the operation?

Remember I told you, we go into a big room and you have a little sleep

and I take a tube and see what's making it hard for you to breathe.

Who will look after Andy?

Who's Andy?

There's Andy - my mum's friend and Andy - my friend.

OK, and how do we contact Andy?

This is Andy.

Oh, er, he can't come in to theatre. He has to go home.

On his own?

Can I go with him?

No. No, you have to stay here.

We don't want you to get worse, do we?

But he needs looking after too. He needs hot food as well.

Well, I'm sorry. I tried again but the computer still says no, I'm afraid.

OK. Well, thanks for doing your best.

Now, I can up your medication dosages so...

So I can walk round like a zombie. They're gonna love that.

Must reckon I'm a right cry baby.

Nope.

And I can't have it private, I s'pose?

Well, you could, but it'd cost you.

-How much?

-About three grand, unless you have insurance?

-Oh, yeah.

-Comes with the company car and the air miles.

-Sorry.

-Do you take plastic?

-I thought you said your finances were tight?

Yeah, well, I told them I was broke so they upped the limit.

S'not really a wise choice.

Was going to treat the kids but I'm no good to them like this, right?

Right. Looks like she's off to her new foster parents.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

-She's been signed off?

-Yup. That's her social worker.

Tell her to come back this afternoon, please.

-What? Why?

-I'm concerned about a murmur, we need to do a echocardiogram.

The paediatrician said...

OK, Top Trumps? CT consultant beats paediatric registrar.

Right. Is this going to take a long time? Because, seriously, I've got a flight to catch.

Do it, or I'll tell your boss you're doing paid work on your breaks.

You know what I've got today? Six toes.

Knew you were inbred.

-Ooh, Malick, you're clever, you'll know this...

-Thank you.

..Is the Gambia a real place?

In West Africa? Yeah. Why d'you ask?

Mr Bickerton was talking about it this morning.

And I thought it sounded made up. Like Timbuktu.

Why's he sticking around? I thought you said it was access denied?

Eh, Mr Bickerton.

Still enjoying the facilities, I see?

Oh, yeah. Sorry about, you know, the fuss earlier in the toilet.

-Ah, it's cool. We've seen worse.

-I was just desperate.

Would you like transport or something?

-No, Mr Spence is taking me private.

-You're paying him?

Like I said, desperate.

-KNOCKING

-Don't usually come up here. Posh, isn't it?

Lab results for Mr Bickerton. They said they were urgent.

-So I chased you as fast as my legs would carry me.

-OK, this isn't a great result for him.

-I'm gonna need back-up in theatre. Where's Mr Malick?

-He was downstairs.

-Chantelle, is there an organised thing among the nurses to cut me dead?

-Not organised.

Just...

For what it's worth, I've been fighting your corner.

Told everyone I can you're not evil, just a bit daft and gullible.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me.

You are not supposed to be up here. Hanssen has banned you.

Yes. From practice, not the physical space.

Not how I understood it.

-Look. Whatever. I've got a patient, he's a charity case...

-Which charity?

The Delaware Foundation.

They're paying for the operation, so if you don't mind, I...

What've I done to you? Fine. I don't want to know that.

Because of you, I'm having to work a shift on paediatrics.

-I hate paediatrics.

-What's that got to do with me?

No plastics scandal, no Gillian.

No Gillian, no theatre communications course.

No theatre communications course, and I would not be doing a double shift

and I'd be out of here in time to get the one flight to Reykjavik without any of this stress!

OK, tell you what, how about I'll get you a car to the airport

and give you my pass for the VIP lounge, will you co-operate?

That'll do nicely.

Miss Shah, this cannot happen.

Two hours, and I'll keep it in an aseptic area and...

No. And on this, I must prevail.

And it is MY backside that has to manage infection control matters.

Surely you as a consultant can see that this is unacceptable?

I can see both sides.

What about you? Are you toeing the line as well?

Is he wearing clogs?

If a mouse is wearing clogs, it makes all the difference. He's basically human.

There she goes to tell tales. OK, so what do I owe you?

Nothing. I just love animals. And I need a second opinion on Freya.

How unethical is this, on a scale of one to seven?

One, maybe two. I'm just not sure she's ready yet.

Manipulating a desperate guy to go private. Spence has no shame!

We don't know he manipulated anyone.

C'mon. Michael is a shyster. Why he's still here, I don't know.

-I guess he's got maintenance payments.

-Or he's got some dirt on Hanssen.

-So, are you going to do the op?

-No, not so he can make a buck.

-So you tell Hanssen?

Uh-uh, I don't grass. You know that.

OK. So you tell someone else and it gets back to him? Like a gobby nurse.

For God's sake, Ollie. We're not women. Let me think.

On the other hand, he gets sacked, who's waiting there ninja-style to be made consultant?

Hey, that's never in a million years crossed my mind. OK?

OK, here's a wild one. How about we stay out of it?

OK, without the x-ray I can't discharge you,

but it looks like the GP can manage it from here.

-I'm sorry, I've obviously upset you.

-Not at all. It's fine.

I didn't come here to see you.

You're a nurse. You must've known it was just a sprain.

I even checked where you were, OK?

-They said you were on Keller.

-Who did you talk to about me?

No-one! I did nothing. Look, I respect your privacy.

It's not privacy, nothing to do with privacy.

-I just don't want people to get the wrong...

-For God's sake!

Look, I know I made a move, but I don't find you irresistible.

I didn't come here to drag you out of the closet, OK? I came because my wrist is screwed. That's all.

I'm just trying to protect my...

Wife-to-be?

Of course you are.

I am.

Yeah. It's beautiful. I'm very happy for you.

And her.

Please...stay away from us. Please. Please don't...

Rain on your parade?

That's not funny.

Oh, get over yourself. I get it, OK? You're not gay.

You're so not gay.

You couldn't be less gay because being gay is revolting.

In fact, I hope they find a cure.

-You're not discharged!

-I'm leaving. Wouldn't want to infect everyone.

-C'mon, back in the bed.

-Tell Chrissie I said good luck with the wedding.

OK, I'm not apologising again.

I'm really sorry. Honest mistake.

You were down as his next of kin. Well, you married him, love!

There you go, nurse. All finished. I'm off to the golf course.

-Amazing, that's fast.

-You crack one bone, you crack 'em all.

-It's like you're a proper doctor.

-OK, I'll make sure I'll tell him.

-Who wants to hear the funniest thing?

-If it's about Gillian's floater, I'm not interested.

Even funnier than that. Spence is not only a grasping Yank, he's a gullible grasping Yank.

I could've told you that.

Turns out, our friend Mr Bickerton is on bail for credit card fraud. Due in court next week.

He can't be going to court,

he's flying to the Gambia to see his girlfriend...

-Oh, I see.

-How do we know?

Ex-wife. Not a happy bunny.

I could've told you that, too. He was asking me about jabs.

Guess what. He owes her - check this - 30 grand.

How do you rack up that kind of debt?

Catalogues.

So, what do we do? Tell Michael he's about to be ripped off?

Nope. The Malick never grasses.

OK. Don't worry, we'll take good care of him.

He'll be right here when you wake up, all right?

I love you.

Thank you. You're a lovely boy.

Will you marry me?

Nurse, quick! Kidney dish!

Anything! Quick! Oh!

There is tail.

Scissors!

Anyone got some cheese?

What d'you mean, you haven't asked anyone yet?

It's only six weeks away.

I'm still at the long-list stage.

Now who can't make decisions? You can ask Greg.

Wouldn't it be a bit weird? Cos you and him...

As long as you keep it out of the speech.

Why, d'you think he secretly still fancies me?

Gorgeous though you are, I think not.

Finally, Stephen's x-rays.

Ow, nasty.

Where is he?

He discharged himself. He said he felt fine.

-Really? Is he mad?

-Um...

Um, what? That needs a plate, doesn't it?

Possibly, um...

How come you didn't notice the displacement?

Yeah, sorry, I don't know how I missed it.

You'd better go and find him. Go on!

Ah, Malick. I'm going to need you in theatre. I'm taking Gary Bickerton up to Holbycare.

I don't get out of bed for a sigmoid colectomy.

This is ileorectal anastomosis, which I don't believe you've done. Here, check out the biopsy results.

Chantelle, will you get Mr Bickerton moved upstairs, please?

Ouch. That's got to hurt. Why wouldn't they complete the colonoscopy?

They probably couldn't get the camera up cos of the strictures.

Typical. Leave the nasty surprises for the real doctors.

Come on, man! Will you for once give someone the benefit of the doubt?

So is it sexy surgery, then?

Yeah. Count me in.

Oh, great, thanks. Look forward to seeing you up there(!)

Amoebic colitis. Unusual this far north of Tripoli.

What was that you were saying about the Gambia?

Oh. It's in sub-Saharan Africa.

It has a thriving tourist industry with regular flights from Gatwick. Gary's been several times.

-Yeah, well, more importantly, this turns a sigmoid colectomy into a major procedure.

-So?

So, you reckon Mr Bickerton's aware he might be stiffed an extra 15 grand?

Isn't that entirely academic? Given that Mr Bickerton is hustling?

Look, that's not the point. The point is Spence is up to something.

Skip lesions on the large bowel and colon, rectal sparing,

-no fat wrapping.

-What did he say when you told him how serious this was?

OK, we're looking at a sub total colectomy and an ileorectal anastomosis.

Hm? Oh, nothing. I didn't know what I'll find until I open him up.

Can I have a kidney dish?

But obviously you gave him the heads up about the extra cost, right?

So he had the choice to wait for NHS treatment?

Can we just concentrate on the job at hand?

Michael.

Yes, I told him. It's fine. He's fine with everything.

It's not a problem.

You didn't think, maybe, given his financial problems,

you should've pushed him to wait?

It's his choice. Look at the consent form.

You didn't tell him, did you?

-That's an outrageous accusation.

-Just answer the question.

BLEEPING

We have a bleed. Suction.

Stephen!

Stephen.

I need you to come back in.

I'm sorry. It's a comminuted intra-articular radius fracture.

Which is medical speak for badly broken.

I don't know... I don't know how I missed it.

Could it be cos you wouldn't touch me?

Yes.

Because I wouldn't touch you.

I'm sorry.

Good, got it. Clip.

BLEEPING

OK, that's it. Good. It's holding. 3.0 Vicryl. Good job, everyone, we've got it all.

-Malick, you came through there. Thank you.

-We gave him his money's worth, at least.

-Meaning?

-You're trying to take him for everything he's got.

-You've got no idea what you're talking about.

I went too far.

-Forget it.

-I just want a straight answer.

Did you tell him it was 15 grand, not three?

-No.

-I knew it!

Because I've already arranged for the Delaware Foundation to pick up the tab.

The money's gone through. He doesn't have to pay for anything, and I've waived my fee.

Because you're such a nice guy, or because Hanssen's suspended you from private practice?

Jeez, these nurses have big mouths. Yeah, it's because of that.

But this guy, he deserved a break.

You heard him! Family breakdown, work problems.

So did I have the teeniest bit of empathy for him?

Or am I just motivated by money?

You've got form, so I'm going with money.

We need 15 minute obs,

and can someone plead with histology to make the analysis urgent?

We need to jump the queue on this one.

How were your clinical instincts? Was it fibrosis?

No. I must be having an off day.

Argh!

Who put that in here?

I am so sorry. I should have warned you,

Too late. You made air holes, right?

Yes, of course...of course I did.

I thought it was empty. What was in there?

-Painkillers. Little...for my back.

-Well, I declare.

-What am I going to do?

-Incineration and anti-bac.

Will you stop being so smug?

-Sahira.

-I was just trying to offer practical advice.

I'm surprised it hasn't triggered a public inquiry

or a post-mortem or an MDT or a floater, whatever nonsense you come up with.

I just don't want to get caught up in politics.

There she goes again.

Channelling your inner Jac Naylor?

At least I'm standing up to it all.

Yeah. Against a woman with chronic back pain. Everyone's mortal enemy.

Time to call in that favour.

Hey, you, Wikipedia girl.

Find me the number of The Delaware Foundation.

To the internet!

-He's arranged for some charity to pick up the tab on the bail jumping dude.

-What? That's a nightmare.

-Yeah, I might need to...

-Explain and possibly grovel?

-Yup.

-We should've spoken up.

You know, to avoid a charity being dragged in to all of this.

Yeah. Possibly.

Mr Spence.

There's something you need to know about Mr Bickerton.

Ah! Gentle touch, doctor.

Sorry. No pain, no gain.

Will I ever be able to use it again?

Absolutely.

Morphine, lots.

The good stuff.

You have to forgive my idiot fiance for his lack of diligence.

Course. We've all been there.

-Poor thing's been pulled every which way today, haven't you?

-Like I say, we've all been there.

I'll wait with you for the ambulance.

St James's have a specialist hand surgeon you can see.

These aren't due for another 13 minutes, are they?

The workload. It's too much. I'm not coping.

I see. Right.

Would you like to sit down?

And in my best general practice tone,

I shall say, what seems to be the trouble?

I think I came back too soon.

I don't know.

I didn't take my tablets so it might have something to do with it.

Why did you choose not to take your tablets?

Oh, heck. You know, I wanted to be 100% alert.

When you feel up, you don't feel like taking them.

I'm an idiot.

Not really. That is, I believe, a common mistake.

I'm so sorry to let you down. I feel like you've given me this chance

to prove myself and I've just...messed up.

Well, it's a very difficult role we have here.

We're doing the work of several people.

But you don't REALLY need me...

We don't REALLY need to be doing this.

I'm happy to write you the appropriate documentation

if you feel you need more leave of absence.

I'd appreciate that. If there's an appropriate role...

-Obviously, you're welcome back any time.

-Thank you.

I know foster parents are like gold-dust,

but the patient has to come first.

Besides, the care Freya will need will be quite demanding.

You know, they have to be smart and on the ball with her medication.

Well, she'll be going in a few weeks, once they get someone who's up to it.

Yeah, something like that.

How did she take it?

Well, let's just say she shot the messenger.

But Freya's going to stay with us for the meantime.

Good.

Gary. How you feeling? How's the pain?

I can't feel anything. When can you discharge me?

I'd say about a week or so.

But it's my weekend with the kids.

Well, you have had a pretty major operation.

Your condition was more serious than we realised pre-operatively.

You've an ongoing infection called amoebic colitis.

Possibly picked it up abroad.

Unlikely. Unless you count Weston-Super-Mare.

Hm.

Well, whatever.

I would suggest that you get some very good insurance if you decide to travel outside the EU.

I'll be up and about soon enough, though, will I?

You know, on my feet, get out the house and stuff? Not bedridden?

Should be, as long as you take care of yourself.

Hate being cooped up.

Mate, you've saved me, you really have.

Are you allowed to accept thank yous?

Like what? Free spa day?

I was thinking more this.

I'll be honest, it's one of the ones the wife left.

Thanks, but that might be seen as a...

A back-hander. Yeah, right, sorry.

Oops.

Now, I just want to talk to you about this bill.

Thing is, doc, and this is well awkward, I haven't got my cards on me.

I didn't think to bring them in.

Well, your bill has been paid by a charity called the Delaware Foundation.

Right. Why?

They're a benevolent fund, set up to help people with limited means.

Usually they send sick kids to Disneyland, that type of stuff.

-Right.

-So I put in a strong word for you. Kinda figured you'd had a bum deal.

Right. Cos of my op, then,

does that mean some kid doesn't get to go to Disneyland?

Try not to think of it like that.

It's clinical need first, so agonising pain versus Mickey Mouse.

It's kind of a no-brainer.

I can wait alone.

Oh, no, it's the least I can do.

Might be hours. You know how transport is.

I'm happy to...sit here.

With you. It's fine.

It's my penance.

I was an arse. I'm sorry.

Just...

Paranoid?

Yeah.

Paranoid.

I know you're a good...guy.

-Good bloke?

-Good...

Good bloke.

Well, maybe not entirely paranoid.

When you came running over I thought...

..maybe...

Alas, no.

Afraid not. Definitely not.

Perpetually single.

Yeah, me too. Well, until I met Chrissie, that is.

We all need someone to love, hm?

Something like that.

Bye, then.

Try again. Delaware Foundation.

There's nothing about a medical charity. I'm sorry, Mr Malick.

Do you reckon I've been played? Been dragged into one of his scams?

I don't know.

Yes, Michael's a bit of a fool, but he's no master villain.

-Spence! Delaware Foundation. It doesn't exist.

-Professor Google, what's up?

-What's your game? Fake charities, tax breaks or something?

-Yes, that's it.

-Don't mess me around.

-Why not? You won't believe me, anyway.

-You're as bad as Gary... No, worse. He's small time compared to you.

-Hey. I don't have to answer you.

I know Hanssen's getting on everyone's nerves, but have you actually suffered?

You get to go home, forget about it, come in for another day.

You lie awake at night thinking about what's happened? Do you?

What am I supposed to think? You dragged me through some kind of dodgy financial scam.

Here's your receipt from Holbycare.

And if a pair of indigo skinny jeans show up at your house, they're mine.

Because I figured if you can spend 15 grand just like that,

then what's the difference?

Delaware Foundation.

Yeah. Happy now? The paperwork, all above board.

OK. I misread the situation.

You've done a good thing. A stupid thing, but a good thing.

Well, apology accepted. You let the crime stoppers know our man might try to flee the country.

The Malick doesn't grass, all right?

Except for these kinds of scenarios.

KNOCKING

Come in.

Do you have a minute to talk?

If by talk, you mean listen to you apologise

-for your foul behaviour towards Gillian Kavanagh...

-What?

Gossiping about her personal life, bullying, high handed disregard for her opinion,

-putting a dead mouse in her lunch. How are things in the lower fourth?

-It wasn't like that.

I have never heard of such mean-spirited school girl antics.

If you don't want school girl antics, don't infantilise us.

All this checking up on us, all this micro-management.

Having to run everything through you,

having every detail cross-examined, it's making everyone...

Turn in on each other. Yes, Mr Hope warned me about the sea monsters.

I just didn't think it would be one of my registrars.

I'm sorry. I'm having an off day.

So now who's pathetic? Not just Nurse Collins?

OK, I was a bitch.

I picked on the little guy because I was too timid to confront...

To say what everyone was saying.

Well, say it! Say away.

I'm just a listening sponge here to soak up your oral wisdom.

All this is beneath you. It makes you look petty.

Thank you for your feedback.

If you'd like to write it in proforma for my sign off, I'd be most grateful.

Hello. Crisis over?

-What crisis?

-Dan said there'd been a crisis.

Really? I wouldn't know. Haven't seen him all day.

Where have you been? What have you been up to?

-I...I've been on Keller.

-Liar. Ollie busted you.

I've been around.

I might look stupid, but I'm not.

-I think a woman with a honeymoon coming up shouldn't ask too many questions.

-You've booked it?

-So where are we going?

-My lips are sealed.

Tell me! Tell me!

OK! I'll give you a clue.

Donald Bradman.

Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe.

Australia? Australia?!

Yes!

We're going to Australia? Oh!

Hey, how'd it go with Hanssen?

OK, I think. Yeah, well.

Goodness me. He's calling an impromptu staff meeting.

Bodes ill, my friends. Or well. Depending.

Wow, the mouse that roared.

Sorry, poor choice of words.

You did incinerate this...

Yes, of course I did.

So what did you do? Run to the pet shop, find another mouse and paint it the same colour?

I'm just going to say tell him that the mouse died. Don't know how.

Is that his histology? Great.

How did you get them so fast?

I've been here seven years and I still get Elaine shouting at me about the working time directive.

You just need to know how to cheat the system.

Sorry. I could only find ones with windows.

No worries. Thanks.

-Right, there's good news and bad news.

-Is my mum dead?

No, no, she's not.

Just on holiday. One week.

The good news is that your breathing problem is not as serious as I was worried about.

Is it because I'm a fat lump?

No. No, it's because you have an allergy.

Do you know what an allergy is?

No milk, no pears.

No animals. The fur makes you sick.

OK. Can I still work at the children's zoo?

I'm sorry, no.

I think handling the pets has made your condition worse.

-In the shop. On the till, maybe?

-Maybe.

Anyway, I was thinking, perhaps Andy could come and live with me.

I have a little son and I'm sure he'd love...

Andy is my mum's friend. On holiday.

I mean Andy, YOUR friend, the mouse.

-We could buy him a little cage and...

-OK!

..And Indy would take good care of him.

My mum's not dead, is she? Just on holiday.

No. She's just on holiday.

Responding to a sense that the current level of oversight

and administrative rigor has led to some unintended consequences,

I'm proposing a new system whereby the lion's share

of the compliance submissions and regulatory procedures

are devolved in full to the clinical leads.

Sorry, doesn't this mean me?

All of you. Autonomy.

Decentralising. Exciting stuff.

Training, safety, bed management,

theatre schedules, risk control, infection report

-and best of all, statistics!

-Are we allowed to use our calculators?

Obviously, you will discover that the paperwork required by the risk reduction framework

is entirely superfluous and is merely done to satisfy the demands

of a pedantic and controlling upper management. Good luck!

I'm not sure if this outcome is entirely positive.

On the plus side, I get to do your appraisals!

Everything just gets simpler and simpler.

Fly, my pretty! Fly!

BABY BABBLES

Hey, do you have a second?

I wanted to say sorry for that business at the barbeque.

Oh, well, that was "the old you," I know.

I would like to find a way to make it up to you.

What do you suggest?

Well, OK, the only things I can think of

will probably make it seem like I'm trying to buy you off.

Oh, I accept vouchers for most fashion and beauty stores.

It's just going to be difficult to see you every day if I'm unable to make amends.

Well, you won't need to see me because I came back too soon.

And look, for what it's worth. It wasn't just you.

Obviously, it wasn't.

It took a bit more than some Spence lechery to tip me over the edge.

Mr Spence! Got something for you from Mr Bickerton.

Wow!

Well, I guess we've all paid our dues.

Mr Spence, it reached me that you've funded an anastomosis in Holbycare.

-Surely the killer blow to the lifestyle you've enjoyed.

-Well. Who needs to eat?

Exactly. Self-denial is akin to self-control.

Maybe.

Believe me, Mr Spence. It is.

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