Episode 1 Hustle

So, if we're ready for signature...?

-You can absolutely guarantee it'll be the final leg?

-No question.

-Anything else would be in breach of contract.

-Who's giving it to me?

-Excellent question, Phoebe! Who's giving it to her?

-Er... Anthony?

Erm...

Dame Kelly Holmes.

Ooh...

-I don't know who she is.

-She's an Olympic athlete.

-I don't care.

-I can have who I want, can't I, Mummy? Daddy said!

-Well, darling...

-Why can't I ever have anything I want?

-Well, it's...

Do we have any other choices?

Erm... Lord Coe.

-No.

-Sir Ian Botham?

-No.

-Sir Ian McKellen?

-No.

-Justin Bieber.

-Yes?

He'll be fine. Marvellous.

We've brought along a replica so that Phoebe has plenty of time to prepare.

So, you pick up from Justin, then it's up the steps

-and Bob's your uncle.

-You're a very lucky girl.

Actually, it has nothing to do with luck. My Daddy is very, very, very rich.

She's v proud of her father.

And he says I can have whatever I want, because I'm his princess.

-Yes, you are.

-So, all we need now is your sponsorship cheque.

-Of course.

-Good. Well, it's been an absolute pleasure.

-How exciting!

Lucinda will be completely sick. All she's doing is a stupid dance.

She'll be one of hundreds, but I'll be special.

Yes, you will, poppet.

So what happens now?

All the paperwork will come through in about a week or so - rehearsal dates, VIP passes, details, etc.

Just make sure you've marked July 27th on your calendar.

Abso-bloody-lutely!

Say thank you, Phoebe.

She's highly strung. V creative.

Oh, bless her.

-How'd it go?

-Like taking candy from a baby.

-Ah-ha.

It's funny how you enjoy some jobs more than others.

Some people are more deserving than others.

-Makes it all the sweeter.

-Yes, it does.

-Mind you...

-A hundred grand ain't to be sniffed at.

-No. It's a lot of clothes.

To tell you the truth, they had way too much money anyway.

I mean, when you think about it, we're a bit like Robin Hood.

Yeah, well, we do take from the rich...

-Only instead of giving it to the poor...

-We buy clothes.

-Which isn't quite as catchy.

-No - but we look great.

You've gotta love the Olympics.

Apart from the fact they're turning the East End into a chinless wonder's paradise.

So far, we've sold 12 non-existent executive boxes

and three Olympic torch runs.

She was such a brat.

Yeah... The way some people bring up their children.

All I had at her age was a Sherbet Dib Dab and a hula hoop.

-I used to beat you hands down every time.

-You bragging?

-Snake Hips Kennedy, they used to call me.

-He was such a girl.

Only cos I used to beat you.

Yes, because I couldn't get it off you, that's why.

All right, children - we've made 100 grand, you can all have hoops.

-Sure that's wise at Albert's age? He might do himself a mischief.

-Oh?

Well, I could teach you youngsters a thing or two.

Yes, you could.

-I've worked something out about you lot. You're like big kids.

-Yeah?

I realised when you said you had a 100 grand so everyone could have hoops.

Who in their right mind, if they had a £100,000,

would spend it on hoops?

-What have you got against hoops?

-He's hoopist.

-Could've had a bad experience as a child.

-Yeah, he got all tangled up...

-Couldn't quite get the rhythm...

See? You're like big kids, messing about...

Are you making a point here, Ed, or just having a Northern rant?

There is a point, actually.

One of you did this to Rushie!

Hang on. How do you know it was one of us?

Cos it happened last night, and you were the only ones in here.

-Right.

-Right? So? Who was it?

Well, whoever it was can't draw, cos his moustache is rubbish.

That's his real one.

You've defiled him! Look at him!

It's not right, this! This man was poetry in shorts.

Summat funny, Michael?

No. Sorry.

-Right, well - until one of you owns up, you're barred.

-Eh?

-Barred?

That's a bit strong, innit Ed?

Especially as we're your partners.

I don't mind all the banter and the general abuse, but this is going too far!

All right, I think someone better own up.

-What you looking at me for?

-Well, you're the football nut.

-Oi, oi, we're not ALL hooligans.

-Well, it wasn't me.

Right, well - you're barred, all of you, till I find out who done it.

I mean it!

-Let's go.

-Well, go on.

-Come on.

-Barred?

-Barred!

I'm serious, guys. It's taken me years to teach Eddie how to make a proper breakfast.

Yes - not to mention losing our office.

Yeah, well, he's got that Scouse resolve.

He won't give up till one of us admits it.

So go on. Who was it?

ALBERT COUGHS UNEASILY

-I'm Spartacus.

-You?!

-I did the ears.

-I er...I did the glasses.

And the beard?

Ready for this? Watch.

THEY ALL GIGGLE AND MUTTER

(Hide the pen.)

See...?

-Well, that wasn't very grown-up, was it?

-Albert started it.

-Hey, you snitch.

-Oh, come on, don't even start.

All right, that's enough, that's enough.

-We can worry about Eddie later. Albert's got a new mark.

-Oh, who?

It's er.. kind of personal.

Ash, would you...help me out?

This is Dexter Gold. That's not his real name, he changed it by deed poll four years ago.

-What's his real name?

-Dexter Pratt.

Started up a "Gold Hard Cash" website when the economy went into turmoil

and he made a small fortune.

Classy guy.

People who needed a few extra pounds saw his ads in the papers, sent their jewellery in,

and he conned them by paying out a fraction of what it was worth.

That is how I found him.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Excuse me for just for a moment. Sorry.

Madam?

'Vivienne Marchant hit hard times

'when her husband died three years ago.'

The worst thing is, I feel so stupid.

Oh, no, no.

There was a time, when if it was in a newspaper written in black and white, it was true!

-Better days.

-My George would be furious.

He'd have gone round there, given him what for.

I'm sure he would.

I tried! He just laughed at me.

Said the conditions were written down.

In small print, no doubt.

It's really good of you to help me, Albert.

You can't be too careful who you trust these days, my dear.

The world isn't what it was. After all, you only met me, what,

three days ago? I could be a con-man too.

Oh, don't be so daft!

DOG GROWLS QUIETLY

She sent this piece of filth - listen to this -

two 24 carat gold rings, a diamond brooch.

60 years of memories.

He sent her back £28.50.

-Bastard.

-If we don't take this bloke for every penny he's got,

I'll smack him in the mouth just for fun.

Don't worry, Ash, he'll receive our full attention.

Ah, yes, there is a bit of a problem.

Isn't there always?

Michael?

We checked him out and his Gold Hard Cash business, it seems,

is just a sideline.

He was connected to the gold bullion robbery at Gatwick in 2008

-and the Tottenham warehouse gold heist last year.

-He's a fence?

He's a middle man for stolen gold bullion.

He uses his Gold Hard Cash business as a cover to melt it down and sell it on.

-What difference does it make if he's a crook?

-Well, he's not just a crook, he's one of the chaps.

# When the pimp's in the crib Drop it like it's hot

# Drop it like it's hot

# Drop it like it's hot

# When the pigs try to give it you

# Park it like it's hot

# Park it like it's hot

# If a ... get a attitude

# Pop it like it's hot Pop it like it's hot

# Pop it like it's hot... #

So, because of the circles

he mixes in, we don't want him coming after us.

Or worse, telling one of his gangster friends

he's been conned and offering them a better deal if they take care of us.

So, if we do this, we need to close it off when we're done.

-Agreed?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Good. Then let's find a way in.

Bish bosh, job's a good 'un.

Write the cheque, send it to Number One, Winners Street, Daddy's bringing home the bacon.

When I said this deal was 24 carat, was I right or was I wrong? Hang on.

Talk on your own time.

You touch that bleedin' phone again and I'll shove it up your jacksy.

So was I right or wrong?

No, don't just laugh and say "Yeah," Peter, actually say the words...

Was I right or wrong?

Exactly, you get your deal sorted out before you spend your money.

Capiche?

We're middle men not investors,

when we get the deal, they get the deal, OK?

Now sod off and next time listen to me instead of

that poxy business degree you wasted five years of your life on.

Shania, get your arse over here.

Me mug's empty.

Excuse me?

What have I told you? Mug of tea, the minute I get in.

Well, he likes his movies.

-Movies?

-I hacked into his online DVD rentals account.

He's got 27 films in three weeks.

Porn?

-Strangely enough, no, they all look like war films.

-War?

-Yeah.

-What does that say about him?

-That he likes to watch people being shot and blown up.

-Nice.

If he likes war movies... What about this?

It looks like Gadaffi was trying to ship out some of his goodies

while the Yanks took pot shots at him and a couple of truck loads went missing.

One of which was thought to be gold bullion.

They think it's a rogue army unit.

So we use this as our back story?

Why not? It fits his personality.

It's true, so it'll check out,

and it saves time having to set something up from scratch.

-Hi.

-How you doing?

-There you go.

-Thanks, bye.

-Cheers.

Honestly, he is so sexist, apparently every woman in flat shoes is a lesbian.

No wonder he hasn't got a girlfriend.

Thing is, Baz, splitting up consignments

ain't doing us any favours, we need someone who can take the lot.

I'm seeing this German geezer later on,

he says he can take whatever we've got.

I ain't trying to pull a fast one,

but a troy ounce of gold was 875 quid when I woke up this morning.

Now, unless you know something I don't,

why would I get less than that?

We'll give you 875 for your domestic business,

but we are aware that sometimes your sources are not always...

legitimate?

So, if you want to use us

but you don't want us to ask, "Where is it coming from?"

then we like to pay a little less, ja?

Yeah, yeah.

So, uh...how much can you take?

We have no upper limit.

-And payment?

-What's your preference?

Cash.

The money laundering laws are very stringent in Germany.

-Bankers draft or direct transfers.

-Agreed.

We have a 2m euro ceiling on direct transfers.

Looks like you've found your UK supplier.

You see, melting down trinkets sent in by wrinklies feeling the pinch

ain't going to build my new pool, is it, Barry? Let's be honest.

And the dealers are squeezing all the margins, so...

the Krauts have agreed to take whatever we can supply,

no upper limit.

So, bish bosh, open up the till, keep the change.

So, when do we start, boss?

I told him I'd send him his first shipment at the end of next week.

There's a couple of the lads planning jobs.

A cargo terminal at Stansted and an Arab bank in Kensington.

But they're a few weeks away, so, if there's no hooky gold about,

let's get a few more press ads running.

Knitting magazines, something to terrify the bingo squad,

"Recession to bite deep, fuel prices to soar.

"The cost of cardigans and blue rinses to go through the roof.

"What use is your wedding ring if you can't turn the heating on?"

Maybe do a special offer for widows!

I like what you did there, Baz.

Yeah. And then let's start with the housewives, make 'em feel guilty

about their kids not having the latest video games

while they're still dripping in gold.

Do some photos of kids...crying.

-Right, get on with it!

-I'm on it, boss!

Big push, Baz, OK?

Shania?

Sean, what have you got?

Well, according to his PA, he's single,

in between girlfriends, which is his usual state,

he's not a member of any clubs, only drinks champagne,

preferably Bollinger, hates dogs, women in flat shoes

and bread-and-butter pudding. And his lucky number's five.

-So...

-Supports Tottenham, never goes to live matches,

his favourite singers are Michael Buble, Shirley Bassey and Madonna.

His favourite film is Saving Private Ryan.

Plays paintball on the weekend.

Favourite colour's gold. On the rare occasion

he does go to a fancy dress party he goes as Auric Goldfinger,

the bloke from the Bond film, but no-one ever knows who he is.

Oh, and he's got a parrot named Goldie.

-OK. Emma?

-He's listed as a director of 11 companies, all gold-related,

with a combined turnover of £3m,

so, I think we can say he's above the poverty line.

-Props?

-Everything's in place, ready to go.

And what about our bait?

Ah, our bait...

..looks a little something like...

..this.

Ooh...

Wow. Is that real?

Oh, yes.

32 grand's worth, give or take.

It's rented, so it has to go back in one piece when we're done.

That should get his attention.

Oh... He's got a four o'clock meeting out in the sticks.

Then let's bring him in.

MUSIC BLARES

HE SINGS TUNELESSLY

THUD OF AN IMPACT

Hngh...?!

-Do you want to die?

-No.

In about 15 seconds, six blokes are going to come out of the woods.

They'll kill me first, then shoot you just for fun.

So, get in the car and drive.

Now!

He's in.

They jumped me on the way back from their so-called dealers.

It must have been a setup.

No, no, no, I flagged a ride.

No, he's a civilian, it's all right.

I'll be back in an hour, you just sit tight.

OK, look, I'm sorry to drag you into this,

but I was up shit creek and you just happened to be there.

You saved my life.

I owe you one.

Who was after you?

Greedy bastards, that's who.

But you got me out and that takes guts. You ever been in the forces?

No. I thought about the TA once.

-Oh, you should do it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Is that what I think it was?

What if it was?

I heard you on the phone, about the dealer.

-Am I going to have trouble with you, son?

-No, no.

The thing is, that's what I do.

What?

I'm a gold dealer.

Yeah, yeah, course you are.

Listen, thanks for the ride, sorry for the inconvenience.

No! No, look, look. Here's my card.

If you got something to sell, I can find a buyer.

You think it worked?

Well, that's the thing about greed. It's very predictable.

Great.

Sean, can you get us into his offices tomorrow morning?

Yeah, I'll call Shania, my new best friend.

-Look, we've got to do something about Eddie.

-Yeah, I said that.

There we go. Enjoy.

-We need to do something about Eddie.

-I have an idea.

-Oh, yeah?

I'm going to call in a favour.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Eddie's bar.

-It's Ian Rush here.

-'What?'

Do me a favour, that's pathetic. You don't even sound like him.

Hey, listen, I don't know who you are, but you can tell that lot

that I'm not as stupid as they think I am, all right? Ya f...

Nice try, but he didn't believe us.

OK. Albert, Emma. See if you can work on him.

Hey, why me? I didn't draw ears on his football hero!

-He's got a soft spot for you.

-I'm not sleeping with him just so Ash can have a fry up.

-That's your trouble, Ems. You're selfish.

-Not funny.

Just tell him it was Albert. He can apologise, end of.

-Oh, but why me?

-Oh, Mickey then.

We won't tell him it was Mickey, cos he'll make Mickey's life a misery.

-Albert, tell him it was Sean.

-Hang on!

-Sean, you're the youngest.

Well, if you grass me up, I'm taking you all down with me.

Aren't we forgetting something here? It is Eddie we're talking about.

Ash is right, I'm sending two premier league grifters

to deal with one barman, it shouldn't be a contest.

-He's really stubborn, though.

-You'll think of something.

Brass may be your best bet.

It won't be cheap but it will look the part

once it's melted down and moulded into blocks.

Well, give us a ball park, Arnie.

-Five grand if I get it back, ten if I don't.

-Done.

OK. What about this?

-What do you need?

-A different seal on it.

Well, I'll have to melt it down so I can stamp it.

Can you do that?

If it's made of metal, Mickey, I can do anything.

ASH SNIGGERS

Metal Mickey?

Never mind.

What seal do you need on it?

This one.

We'll see you at 8.30.

-I don't believe you.

-It's true.

-You wouldn't do that, Albert,

-you're just protecting someone.

-Eddie!

Why ask one of us to apologise if, when we do, you don't believe us?

-You're just taking me for a mug.

-No, we're not.

What about the fella you got to phone up?

-The one pretending to be Ian Rush?

-No, it actually was Ian Rush.

-You're doing it again, treating me like an idiot.

-You're impossible!

-And you're barred.

-What if I slept with you?

-No.

-What?!

-Sorry, I panicked just then, I meant to say yeah.

-Eddie!

Listen, I know he did it and until he comes here in person,

apologises and says in front of witnesses that Liverpool FC

are better than West Ham, then you're staying barred.

It's not happening. I mean, the flaming cheek of it, and I never did it.

-He's convinced it was you and there's no persuading him otherwise.

-Come on, Ash, man up.

Take one for the team.

No.

-It takes 20 seconds, how hard can it be?

-I ain't done it.

-You are as stubborn as each other.

-I didn't do anything!

-Think of Eddie's breakfast.

-Yeah, he's finally got his fried bread right.

Crunchy crust, a bit soggy in the middle.

No.

I'd rather starve.

Thanks.

His diary's full but he's got a gap in ten minutes...

Right.

Morning.

We set?

Yeah, if you lose it, I'm stopping it out your wages.

Wish me luck.

You gave this to a friend of mine yesterday.

# Oh, it feels so good

# To have you by my side on a Sunday morning

# Let's work together, baby, yeah. #

Shania! Get yourself a cup of tea, love.

You were kind enough to give him a lift.

So what's on your mind?

Oh, I think you know why I'm here.

Why don't you spell it out for me?

We have some merchandise. We're having trouble finding a buyer.

-Yeah, so I heard.

-That doesn't mean you won't have to pay a decent price.

You'll have to let the dog see the rabbit first.

-Libyan?

-Problem?

Not for me.

So you're interested, then?

It's what I do. I'm a middle man.

I find two parties, each wanting something the other has,

and no way of coming together...

So, really, I'm a facilitator.

The bottom line is, I can find a buyer for that with one phone call.

-Good.

-As long as you and your boyfriend understand three things.

I'm assuming he is your boyfriend?

Yes, he is.

That's what I thought.

-Where was I?

-Three things?

Yeah, right. I'm not a mug, apart from the Libyan stamp,

all that drama yesterday tells me it's obviously nicked, and, er...

I read the newspapers like everybody else...

I know where this has come from,

so the price I pay will have to reflect that.

Second.

My commission for negotiating this deal is 20% at your end,

non-negotiable.

And third?

If you so much as think about turning me over,

I know people who can track you down and hurt you

so much you'll be begging them to finish you off.

I'll pass it on.

Once we've agreed a price, just let us know where they need to go.

You mean there's more than one?

Yes.

So... how many we talking about exactly?

A hundred.

A hundred! All the same as that one?

You mean you've got the whole lot?

You trying to tell me it was you...

If this is too big for you...

Oh, no... It might take more than one phone call that's all...

-Can I see them?

-I don't know.

My contacts don't like being pissed about. If I don't see the goods, I don't pick up the phone.

It's your choice.

The place where you dropped our mutual friend,

two o'clock this afternoon.

Holy shit.

I think we have a nibble.

Shania!

Get Heinz Zimmerman on the phone. Then put the kettle on.

Will it stand up?

To what?

-Inspection.

-100%.

-Good.

As long as you don't get within six feet.

This aint chicken feed, Heinz,

we're talking 100 kilos of 24 carat, this is a serious shipment.

When's it ready?

Well, we'll need to melt it down and restamp, but I can...

I can do the paperwork... the question is can you handle it?

You talk the talk buddy, it's time to walk the walk.

There's three mill's worth here, are you in or are you out?

'OK we have a deal, I'll be there.'

Good call, be in touch.

# Yo, mic check, mic check

# Yeah here you go Nah, here, over here

# Yeah, I heard he got that hot new thing

# Oh-la-la-la. Yeah oh, yeah, yeah Turn it over. #

All right, babes?

Don't move or I'm gonna blow your brains out, do you hear me?

Eddie's isn't the only bar in London.

Maybe we should just find somewhere else?

No, no, we'll find a way to sort it.

Sorry about that, but we can't disclose our location.

The British army have sent a special ops unit to find us.

Oh, well, fair enough then!

Oh, don't mind him. He's just not the trusting type.

You all right then?

So, you think you can get us a deal?

Yes, I do.

But it won't be easy, as I told your lady friend here.

-How much?

-Well, that's hard to say.

-What was I telling you?

-Relax.

There's 100 bars.

I looked it up, they're worth about 30 grand each.

If you buy 'em from the Bank of England, yeah, maybe...

But you won't get anything near that, not for a shipment like this.

You can't move gold on without paperwork. You need to, er,

melt it down, give it a new identity, feed it back into the system.

That takes time and money.

You talking to us about it not being easy?

Three months ago, we'd just done a black ops stint in Libya,

dodging yank cruise missiles and Apache gun ships,

smuggling rebel supporters out of Tripoli before Gaddafi got to them.

Gaddafi got his secret police to move his stash of goodies

before the rebels arrived.

Artwork, cash... Gold.

He died, we caught the gold truck on the road out of Tripoli.

And we...relieved them of it.

Now we have not fought our way across half of Africa,

carrying 100 kilos in gold bars and then smuggled them into the UK,

just so some smarmy scumbag civilian can try to rip us off.

do you get me?

Back off, Corporal.

HE LAUGHS

Yes, sir.

HE CONTINUES LAUGHING

How much?

I can get you half a million, transferred into any account, anywhere in the world in 20 seconds.

-I'd rather shoot him where he stands.

-You want to spend another two weeks in here!?

We've been screwed over twice now.

-You won't get a better price, I guarantee it.

-He's playing us.

Half a million pounds is a lot of money.

What about half a million, but no commission?

-You make what you can when you move it on.

-Commission is non-negotiable.

-Yeah? I say we negotiate.

All right! OK!

-Forget the commission. Heart of gold, that's my trouble.

-When?

I need to verify the shipment first.

I mean a sample, check the purity.

What else?

Well, if it all checks out, I can get this done in 24 hours. Bish bosh!

24 hours.

Well?

Bloody hell, boss.

-It's top end, 24 carat.

-And?

Well, it's Libyan government seal, it's about as kosher as it gets.

What's it worth?

Gold price this morning was up a bit, so... Just about £33,500?

So 100 bars...?

Three million, three hundred thousand, and change.

Hmm.

-Grub's up.

-Great!

The mark just called, everything's set up for tomorrow. We're just running through a few things.

-Oh, right. Er, two cod, Albert.

-Thank you.

-And one for Mickey.

Pie for me, haddock for Ems...

-..And a saveloy for Sean.

-Saveloy!

So, when did he phone?

About 20 minutes ago.

It'll be a pleasure to take his money.

If this works, Albert was thinking of giving some money to Vivienne,

-you know, maybe send her on a cruise or something.

-Great idea.

-Don't forget, we've still got to sort Eddie out as well.

-Yes, we do.

I'm not apologising for something I didn't do.

-No, of course not, no-one would expect you to.

-Sean had an idea.

Mm, I mean, he wouldn't believe me that it was Albert,

but I reckon, if I try hard enough, I can convince him it was me.

What, you'd hold your hand up?

Yeah, if that's what it takes to fix it then that's what I have to do.

Well, I think that's brilliant, Sean.

-Yeah. Yeah, it is.

-Only thing is, I'm not sure what to say to him.

-Just say sorry for scribbling on his photo.

-Yeah, fine.

No, no, no, no, it was more than that, it was Ian Rush.

He's football royalty for Scousers. No, you've got to say something like, erm...

I'm sorry for defacing the photograph of the greatest footballer who ever lived.

Sounds a bit over the top.

Yeah, well he's obsessed, I'm telling you.

What about the other thing, though? That he wants us to say that Liverpool is better than West Ham?

No, no, that was just for Ash.

I don't even support West Ham.

-They were relegated!

-Oi, they weren't relegated in that way.

-So how many ways are there?

-That's what a lot of people think, you see, that West Ham went down

because they weren't any good, but that's not true.

No, no, we just went in the Championship for a rest, right?

To take a break before we launched our next assault on the Premiership.

-So should I say it or not?

-Well, Eddie is stubborn remember.

-Just tell him that Liverpool are the greatest team on the planet.

-Yes, he would definitely go for that.

-And when he's gone for that and shaken hands, give him a message from Ash.

-Yeah? What's that?

-Liverpool play like girls and West Ham are the only proper team in Europe.

-That's not going to help.

It is true, honestly.

All right... Sean, it is very kind of you to do this,

but let's move on.

Tomorrow, at nine, Emma sets up the mark. Ash, make sure the bars are in place.

And remember, we need to make sure this guy believes that this is just a deal that's gone wrong,

not that he's been conned. OK?

So Albert and I will work out a way of blowing him out clean.

Meet you at my car. I'll see you there.

You all right?

Well?

I assume it all checked out.

Good as gold.

So we have a deal?

When and where?

Under the motorway, same as last time.

One hour.

-You'd better get on to your buyer.

-All right.

Shania!

Get Heinz on the phone. Now!

PHONE RINGS

Heinz! Happy days, we're on.

Barry will bring you to the meeting point, stick behind us in my car.

-I'll be there.

-Bring your cheque book.

All right?

-You ready?

-Oh, yeah.

-Well, let's get on with it then.

Unless you want a 50-strong special ops unit dropping in to spoil the party.

He's setting us up!

Whoa! Whoa! No! No, they're with me!

No! It's all right! It's all good!

It's good as gold. No, see, they're with me.

That's my lad, Barry.

He's brought my buyer. See, I'm the middle man, he's the buyer.

He pays me, I pay you, that's how it works. OK?

-What do you need?

-See the gold.

Er, we need to see the goods.

Sir?

You'll like this, Heinz.

I verified the gold.

See? Everyone's happy!

It's all good.

it's just business, that's all.

Freeze! Yo, back up! Tell him to back up!

It's OK! I'm going to pay you now.

HE CHUCKLES

RUMBLING SOUND

They're on to us!

You nearly got us bloody killed.

I hope our next delivery is not quite so eventful.

Yeah, sorry about that, Heinz. But all's well and all that, yeah?

Chin up!

Auf wiedersehen!

-Right. Get back to the office, see how them ads are doing.

-Can't I come back with you?

No you can't, I've got things to do. Look, there's a bus stop over there.

Sorry, sir. Closed.

What do you mean it's closed? It's one o'clock!

-I've got a bankers' draft to cash.

-The bank ceased trading at 11.30 this morning, sir.

-What!?

I'm not sure of the details, sir, but the bank's assets have been seized and all trading suspended.

But... But... I've got a...

I've got a bankers draft!

Here! Look! It's a bank draft!

See! They have to pay it!

Like I said, I'm sorry, sir, but all trading has been suspended.

-Bankers draft or direct transfers.

-Agreed.

Looks like you've found your UK supplier.

-Good.

-A friend got two tickets for the archery, he was hacked off - he didn't know they did archery there.

-He said it would've been all right, though.

-Excuse me for just a moment.

-Sure.

-Sorry.

You talked the talk, it's time to walk the walk.

-There's three mill's worth here, are you in or are you out?

-OK, we have a deal.

I'll take them all.

Good call. Be in touch.

I can do the paperwork, but can you handle it?

You've talked the talk, it's time to walk the walk.

There's three mill's worth here, are you in or out?

OK, we have a deal.

-I'll take them all.

-Good call.

Be in touch.

As brilliant as ever you were.

Thank you, Paul.

Shania!

Get Heinz on the phone. Now!

PHONE RINGS

Mm-hmm.

'Heinz! Happy days!

'We're on!'

I'll be there.

It's all good. See? Everyone's happy!

I'd better get this melted back down.

Ah, but... Not this one.

You, eh... you sure that's the right one?

Thank you.

For you guys, any time.

I knew you were good but getting the army onside?

How did that work?

Can I ask why you're selling?

There's an army base half a mile away,

they're meant to do their manoeuvres in the next field.

But they keep getting lost and ending up on my farm.

Every Tuesday and Saturday at noon. Just like clockwork.

ALARM BLEEPS

Trade secret.

We could tell you but we'd have to kill you.

Fair enough.

We had to change the seal but it's all there.

-It's done.

-All right?

-Let's get rid of Heinz's phone.

Hi. This is for you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Your cheque's no good! You nicked my gold!

Who is that?

It's Norman.

'Cock-a-doodle-doo.'

'Hello?'

'Hello?'

'Hello!'

'Hello?!'

So Eddie's all sorted?

Like it never happened.

So what, you apologised, bigged up Liverpool and he swallowed it?

Yeah.

He didn't mention my name?

Let's just say it's forgotten.

Just like that?

I had to use charm, talk him round. But yeah, he's sweet.

So we can go back in?

-Whenever we like.

-Well done, Sean.

-Absolutely.

-Thank you.

WOMAN SOBS

So what did you say to him exactly?

Well...

-It was Ash.

-Knew it!

So where is he then?

Come on, you know him. He's a proud man.

-I want an apology.

-And he wants to apologise.

He just can't bring himself to do it face-to-face.

So he gave me this.

'A message from Ash.

'I'm sorry for defacing the photograph

'of the greatest footballer who ever lived. Ian Rush.'

Many people think West Ham went down cos they weren't any good but that's not true.

No, no. We just went into the Championship for a rest, right,

to take a break before we launched our next assault on the Premiership.

So should I say it or not?

Tell him Liverpool are the best team on the planet.

He would definitely go for that.

After that and you've shaken hands, give him a message.

Yeah? What's that?

Liverpool play like girls and West Ham are the only proper team in Europe.

'Liverpool are the only proper team in Europe.'

(Brilliant!)

'Let's be honest. West Ham went down because they weren't good enough.

'Liverpool are the best team on the planet.

'West Ham play like a load of girls

'and Liverpool are the only proper team in Europe.'

So we're good?

Come here.

I pretty much told him exactly what you told me to.

I mean, I might not have got it word for word, but you know.

-But you gave him the gist?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

That is a very happy lady.

So what did you tell her?

I told her I was an ombudsman and she'd just been awarded damages.

A very sweet thing for you to do.

-Well, thank you all for your help.

-Any time.

And the good news is, we can go back to Eddie's.

-Oh?

-Yeah, Sean did the business.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Guys! Good to see you, come on in.

-So we're OK?

-Eh?

All forgotten, not another word.

Bottle of bubbly on ice, waiting for you. On the house.

Thank you, Eddie!

-Cheers, Eddie.

-It's OK.

Oh.

All right, Ed?

You're a top man, Ash, you know that?

It's not easy admitting you're wrong.

No, no, it can't have been.

-Takes a big man to step up to the plate.

-Yes, it does.

Any chance of you letting go now?

Sorry.

Look, I know you don't like any fuss

but I just want you to know, that...

I respect you...as a man.

And I respect you too, Ed.

As a man.

I know you do. I know you do.

-So that's it then, yeah, water under the bridge, not another word?

-Right.

Right.

Right, shall we open the bottle, or?

Yes, yes.

-MICKEY LAUGHS

-OK, now.

This...is to a golden future.

Bet you never thought you'd see me again.

Back off, corporal.

No, we didn't.

Only when you were taking me into the barn, I heard you talking.

Eddie's isn't the only bar in London.

Maybe we should just find somewhere else.

No, no, we'll find a way to sort it.

It was a bit of a long shot, but...

Tell you the truth, I thought you'd be long gone by now.

The thing is...

..that half a million quid broke me and someone's got to pay.

So...what do you have in mind?

ASH: Relax.

Look, I haven't got any beef with you guys.

Sorry?

OK, you got my money, but that was business. I understand that.

I got the gold, I gave it to Heinz, I took a hit.

You kept to your end of the bargain, I've got no complaints about that.

But that Kraut cheated me!

He took my gold and he gave me a dodgy cheque, now I can't find him.

His office number's unavailable

and some nutcase has nicked his mobile.

50 grand.

Now, I know you lot were Black Ops in the army,

so I thought who better to help me out.

Black Ops?

It's OK. I know you can't talk about it.

But I know how it works.

I know what you do.

What's that, then?

You get dropped behind enemy lines to take people out.

Well, that's what I want you to do to the German.

I want you to track him down for me.

His name is Heinz Zimmerman.

I want you to find him,

and I want you to... take care of him for me.

-"Take care of him?"

-You know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Take care of him.

There's 50 grand there, there'll be the same again

when you bring him to me.

Or show me a photo... of his cold, dead body.

Do we have a deal?

Let me get this straight.

If we find this Heinz Zimmerman, take care of him,

and show you a photo of that, you'll give us another 50 thousand?

That's right.

Then you've got a deal.

You know where to find me.

Did that just happen?

-Yes, it did.

-I thought we were in trouble for a minute.

Not to worry, I'm on it.

Wait a minute.

Ugh, did you have to put ketchup on this shirt?

-With five grand, you can buy a new shirt.

-You have to look the part.

Or dead to be precise.

OK, now, that. No. Hold that, hold that.

That's fantastic.

I really missed you lot, you know.

Yeah, well, we missed you too, Ed.

-Did you?

-Yeah. Just don't hug me again.

Here's to West Ham.

Oh, cheers.

Hang on a minute, you're supposed to say, "Here's to Liverpool."

What for?

Well, that's not very nice, is it?

What's the point in apologising if you behave like that?

But Sean apologised, I didn't.

-Yes, you did.

-No, I didn't do anything.

What about the CD?

What CD?

'Message from Ash.

'I'm sorry for defacing the photograph

'of the greatest footballer who ever lived. Ian Rush.'

Ash...

This...

this can be easily explained.

How about two dead bodies for the price of one.

Only one of 'em will be real...

..cos I'm going to kill you.

-Ash.

-Sean, just run.

Don't just stand there! Help me!

Ash, don't make me do something I'm going to regret!

Argh!

That's pretty tight. That's pretty tight! Ash!

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