Episode 2 Hustle

You know, one of the downsides to a life of crime

is that occasionally you have to do business with people who are, um...

Well, for want of a better word, criminals.

Like most things that end with you hanging upside down

in a deserted warehouse,

it started with a really good idea.

"A Small Cat In The Garden was painted by Pablo Picasso in 1903,

"in what was known as his Blue Period.

"It measures 12 inches by 11 inches and was stolen from a private collection

"in the early hours of Sunday morning."

Mmmm... Value?

-It's been insured for three million.

-Wow.

"Police say the gang was clearly experienced and well informed."

-Meaning it was stolen to order.

-No question.

-Is Mad Dolly still around?

-My thoughts exactly.

-Who?

-Dolly Hammond, she's the best Picasso forger in London.

-She's all right, but she's just a bit....

-She's...unique.

-Yeah, she's a bit different, you know.

-Insane.

-Yeah. Nice.

She's a lovely old bird really, but, erm...

she used to have the hots for Albie.

Why would we need someone to forge a painting that's already been stolen?

Well, because now its theft has already been reported...

Collectors will believe you if you tell 'em you're trying to sell it.

It's brilliant!

-Yes, it is.

-Yes, it is.

-As always.

Well, potentially brilliant.

Depending on who you try and sell the fake to.

And here's a little tip

should you ever find yourself trying to flog a fake Picasso...

Don't try and sell it to the bloke

who the original was nicked from in the first place.

Aye-aye. Here come the cavalry.

Ash!

Gently, Sean, gently!

Oooh...

-Where's Mickey?

-They pulled a gun on us. Petre Sava's men have taken him.

-What happened?

Well, it's a very long story, but the upshot is the original was nicked from him in the first place.

He wasn't happy at us telling him it was us who nicked it,

and then trying to sell him a fake back instead of the real thing.

This is NOT Picasso!

This is not my painting!

So Petre Sava is holding on to Mickey till we deliver the real Picasso back to him.

-We haven't got the real one.

-No, I did mention that, and we argued for a bit,

then he threatened a level of physical violence I wasn't comfortable with, so I backed down.

He's given us six hours to find it.

-So what happens if we can't find the real painting?

-Oh, he was very specific about that.

Mickey's a dead man.

-So no-one's got anything? But that's impossible.

-Well, it's not a local crew.

-Someone would know if it was.

-By now the real painting could've been shipped out of the country.

-But it's weird that no-one's heard anything.

-Or if they have, they don't want to share it.

-What about that Dolly the forger? If she's a Picasso freak, she might have heard something.

-I suppose...

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's worth a try.

-Let's do it.

Can't find a decent thief these days, they're all gangsters, they've got no class.

-Not like you Albert.

-Thank you, Dolly.

I'd string 'em all up. By the testicles.

Leave them there for the crows to pick at.

Feed what's left to the pigs, like we used to.

So you've no idea who stole the Picasso, Dolly?

-What Picasso?

-A Small Cat In The Garden.

You've had your copy, I've already done it.

No, no, I'm talking about the real one.

He's cute.

-Dolly, the painting, have you any idea who nicked it?

-How would I know that?

-Has no-one said anything to you?

-Who?

-Anyone.

-Said what?

-About the painting.

-What painting?

-The Picasso.

-I don't know who nicked it.

-Well, that's what I'm asking, innit?

-I've told you. Who are you?

Oh... I'm Emma.

What are you doing in my house?

I'm with Albert.

This your floozy, is it?

No, no, no, no. You're the only woman for me, Dolly.

-Ohhh! Aah...unlucky.

-Dolly, do you know anything at all about the painting?

Anything that might help us find out who nicked it?

I mean, was there someone who really liked it? A private collector?

-Or did someone try and buy it before and failed? Anything.

-I know where every Picasso in London is.

I can smell them.

Except this one.

-Dolly, look, is there any way you can track it down, you know?

-I mean, what's the word on the street?

Do I look like Huggy Bear?

Dolly! We need to find it.

I'll see what I can do, if...

..he sings to me,

and he snogs me.

# Hello Dolly, well, Hello Dolly

# It's so nice to have you back where you belong! #

SHE LAUGHS

Oh...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

No.

-Forget it. It's...it's not happening.

-Sean, think about Mickey.

-(Forget Mickey.)

-(Do it.)

-I don't want to...

-Do it.

-Don't want to!

-Sean...

HE WHIMPERS

Naughty!

SHE CHUCKLES

Well?

Erm...well, I should know in a couple of hours.

Send him.

THUMP

THUMP

CAR ALARM

HE SIGHS

Now, just in case Dolly draws a blank, we'd better cover all the angles.

Albert, use your police contacts, see if they've got any leads

-on the robbery or any idea who it was.

-Right.

-Sean, take the car. See what else you can find out about Petre Sava.

-OK.

-What about us?

-You and me will go and see Cyclops.

Now, art's not really his thing, but he might have heard something.

I've got The Dogs Playing Snooker, if that's any good to you?

It's a classic.

I used to have The Bird On The Tennis Court Scratching Her Bum,

but it got stiletto damage in a domestic dispute.

-Well, women don't really get art, do they?

-Is that right?

Yeah, well-known fact.

They've got no patience for it.

That's why all the major artists are all men. Women would never be able to finish anything.

They'd be halfway through The Laughing Cavalier,

then they'd wander off and start colour-coding their shoe cupboard.

-Look, can we get back to the matter in hand?

-Which was?

-A Small Cat In The Garden. The stolen Picasso.

-Oh, yeah.

-So who nicked it?

-Art's not really my thing.

-I said that, didn't I?

-Yeah.

-But I heard about it.

-What?

-I said I heard about it.

-No... No, no, what did you hear?

-That it was nicked. You want a chip?

-No. Thank you.

-Any chance of a date?

-None.

-Sympathy shag? Think of it as charity work, it's been a while.

-Look, Cyclops, Mickey's in trouble.

Whatever you know, you need to tell me.

-We haven't haggled yet.

-What? You're going to charge us?

'Scuse me. This is still a capitalist society.

-I thought Mickey was your mate.

-Well, he's more of an acquaintance, really.

But that said, I'm willing to make a discount.

How much?

Call it a nifty.

OK.

I can't tell if these things are related,

but the day before the Picasso was nicked,

a hardcore jock crew flew in.

Scottish?

The McCrary brothers. They took over a house in Westbridge Grove.

Now, all I know about 'em is that they nick to order,

anything you like, usually upmarket.

Paintings, cars, antiques...

I mean they could be here for something else, but...

It's worth asking the question, innit?

-OK. What do you think?

-Well, we could knock on the door, say "Och, aye, the noo,"

-and ask 'em if they've just nicked a Picasso.

-It's direct. But as we don't know who they are,

-I think it's a little bit foolhardy.

-Yeah, I know, that's what I like about it.

-Ash?

-DOOR BUZZER

-'Who is it?'

-It's Ash Morgan, I need to talk to you about the Picasso you just nicked.

-Have you lost your marbles?

-Yeah. We haven't got much time. What's the worst that could happen?

-They could kill us!

-Yeah, well, then at least Mickey would know we died trying.

-You've got some bottle.

-Yeah, well, needs must, and all of that.

-Well, in you come, then.

-That's very kind, but if it's all the same to you, we'll stay out here.

-Fair play.

The trouble is, a very good friend of mine is being held by Petre Sava,

the bloke you nicked the Picasso from. Now, it's a long story, but now he thinks we got it.

-And why would he think that?

-Because we told him we did.

-Yeah. We were trying to sell him a fake.

-We're grifters.

-Yeah. It's what we do. We read about the Picasso being nicked,

so we had a copy made to sell to a private collector, one who wouldn't ask too many questions.

-If they'd read about it being stolen, they'd believe it was real.

-Exactly.

Trouble is, the collector we took it to was the one you'd nicked it from.

Which he wasn't very happy about, as you can imagine.

It's a beautiful story, and I'm getting all misty-eyed, but what's this got to do with us?

Well, err... If you give us the real Picasso, the one that you nicked from Sava,

we can go and get our mate back.

Well, let's just say that we had this painting, not that I'm saying that we do, you understand...

But he's your friend, not ours. So what's in it for us?

Well, to be honest, I haven't thought that bit through. What do you want?

Don't want anything.

I tell you what, 20 grand and I'll nick it straight back for you. HE LAUGHS

You know, just for the sheer brass neck of you, I'm tempted to help you out.

And I do love a grifter. Especially a pretty one.

-But it's already been moved on.

-Where?

-Oh, I can't tell you that.

-You have to.

-Ash, is it?

-Yeah.

Ash.

I can't do it, son.

We've worked years to build up a reputation based on complete discretion.

I can't piss that up the wall for a couple of grifters. So my lips are sealed.

-All right, what about if I threatened to beat it out of you?

-Then I would respect that.

And me and my brother Neil here, would defend ourselves as best we could,

by ripping your head from the rest of your body and eating it.

Fair enough, just asking.

You have a nice day.

-So, looks like we're back to square one.

-No, not exactly, now we know who stole it.

-Yeah, but not who for.

-We still don't know where it is.

-Any news from the Old Bill, Albert?

-It seems we know more than they do.

-What if the McCrary brothers haven't delivered it yet?

We could just watch the house and wait for them to make a move, right?

What if they're delivering it tomorrow or next week? We've only got four hours left.

What about Petre Sava?

Well, I did some digging about, like you said. Mickey was right about him being a high-end art collector.

His private collection would rival most European galleries.

The last we knew, he owned half a dozen nightclubs in London, so he was bound to be a bit dodgy.

-Well, that's a good thing.

-Yeah. Until you find out how dodgy.

-Human trafficking...

-Aah.

-..Class A drug distribution,

and a protection racket that started in Romania,

and has now spread over eight European cities.

We need to get Mickey out of there.

So what did you do with the black guy?

He's in the boot of my car.

-Can he breathe?

-Sure.

At least I think so.

If they don't bring me my painting...

..you think we should kill him, or just cut some bits off?

Or both?

Both is good.

They don't cut people up too much in the West, you know.

They don't kill them very much, either. They "beat up".

But if you just "beat up," they get better,

they find some friends, and then they come back.

If you cut bits off and post them to their friends, this doesn't happen.

No. It's more efficient.

Exactly.

So, both it is.

You cut...

..I kill.

THUMPING

-Where's Mickey?

-He's being held hostage by a Romanian gangster

who won't release him until we find a painting of a cat in a garden.

Yeah, right, yeah.

EDDIE CHUCKLES

You crack me up, you lot.

Very vivid imaginations, as my mum used to say. Mind you, you probably need them in your line of work.

Cheers, Eddie. Look, give us a couple of minutes, will you? We're thinking.

-I thought I could hear something.

-EDDIE CHUCKLES

-Oh, you had a phone call.

-Nice lady... Molly?

-Dolly.

-Dolly. That's it.

She said she's got what you want, only you have to send the cute one, whatever that means.

No way.

Oh... No way.

No way!

No...

..way.

JAZZ MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

Ta-daa!

I didn't know if you liked red or white,

-so I brought one of each.

-Oh.

Ha-ha...

SHE CHUCKLES

It was horrible.

-So, did you actually have to?

-I don't want to talk about it.

Oh...

No, of course not.

She took her teeth out.

SNORTS

So, did she say anything at all?

Take a deep breath, Sean.

It might help to make the pictures go away.

Petre Sava bought A Small Cat In The Garden by Picasso at an auction in Kensington.

He outbid a private collector called Matthew Fairchild, who's an investment banker,

and happens to be the father of Louise Fairchild, whose married name is Holmes.

-Should we know her?

-No, but you might've heard of her husband.

-Harry Holmes!

-THE Harry Holmes?

'Fraid so.

It's all right. It's all right, calm down. Calm down.

Now, I understand you're not a grass...

..and I admire that in a man, I really do.

I need you to open up for me.

One way...or another.

When Harry Holmes found out it was Petre Sava who beat his father-in-law to the painting,

-he wasn't happy. It hurt his pride a bit.

-I bet.

I heard he was like a dog with two whatsits when he married into the upper classes.

-He's always fancied hunting, shooting and fishing.

-So the painting's about impressing

-the new in-laws?

-Seems like it.

Then maybe those in-laws are one of the reasons that Harry hasn't got his own hands dirty

-in order to get the painting back.

-He paid the McCrary brothers to steal it for him instead.

-That's what Dolly said.

-And you're sure that wasn't just pillow talk?

So on one side we've got a violent Eastern European gangster, and on the other, a homicidal maniac?

-That's about the strength of it.

-So what shall we do?

Sensible thing would be call the Old Bill, tell 'em what happened and throw ourselves on their mercy.

-We're not going to do that, right?

-No. Which leaves us with one other option.

Which is?

To steal the painting back from Harry Holmes.

This is the home of Matthew Fairchild,

father-in-law of Harry Holmes,

who paid the McCrery brothers to steal the Picasso from Petre Sava.

I still can't believe you got it back.

It's family, innit?

I know someone who's getting a special treat later.

Now Fairchild's already a collector, so the security is a bit nifty.

-That's comforting(!)

-CCTV, weight sensor pads, motion detectors, heat imaging systems and laser webs.

That's if you can get past the two killer dogs in the grounds.

I hate dogs.

Luckily, although the system's state of the art, it was designed by Fairchild himself.

How does that help us?

Systems like this are only as good as their design, and he's made a very common, but simple mistake.

-Which is?

-Basically it's a domestic system, and like most domestic alarm systems,

it's designed on the assumption that a theft would take place

either when the place is empty or at night under cover of darkness.

Which means when they're home during the day, the alarms are switched off.

-Exactly.

-Because who would be stupid enough to break into a house

in broad daylight when everyone's at home?

'OK, so this is all about timing.

'Everything on cue, like a ballet.

'Firstly, let's make sure the dogs get their sleeping pills.

'They'll last about 20 minutes.'

Three, two, one.

'Dogs are asleep. I'm moving into position.'

Albert, you set?

Ready.

Emma? Sean?

Ready.

-Ready.

-'OK.'

Go!

POLICE SIREN APPROACHES

Hello, madam. We're investigating a stolen painting.

-What are you doing?

-We need to search the property.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I've got your number, fella! I'll be straight onto the station!

But I think we should get out of here.

Yeah. I'm with you.

No, look!

This is it, I've had enough!

All right, come on.

Calm down. >

Don't you tell me to calm down!

All right, thanks, Nigel, don't forget I owe you a big cigar.

A good one? Yeah, thanks, bye, bye.

All right, the police have been tipped off,

they've seized the painting and they've arrested Harry Holmes.

-Is that good or bad?

-Well, it can't be good, can it?

-Wait! That's exactly what it is.

-How?

-If the police have it, Sava was the rightful owner.

-They'll give him back the painting.

-He'll let Mickey go.

-Job done. Eduardo, refreshments, please.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, Nigel!

I see. All right, thanks for taking the time to call me back, I appreciate it.

-They've released Harry Holmes.

-That was quick!

Well, they found the painting in the house and it was fake.

-What?!

-That ain't possible. We know it was the original,

he had it nicked from Sava, who bought it at the auction.

He wouldn't have kidnapped Mickey and hung Ash upside down if he'd lost a fake!

So if the one Harry had was a fake, where's the real one?

Drinks up.

"Oh, thank you very much, Eddie(!)" "It's a pleasure to serve you...(!)"

"Yeah, thank you very much(!)"

-Doesn't make sense.

-No.

-Let's think about this for a minute.

We have to assume that the painting the McCrary brothers nicked from Petre Sava is the real Picasso.

-Agreed.

-But by the time it got to Harry Holmes and his father-in-law, it was a fake.

-Exactly.

-So they switched it?

-Can't be anything else.

-So if they passed on a fake to Harry,

-they must've had another buyer for the real one. Robbing bastards.

-The McCrarys have the real painting?

-That's the only thing that makes sense.

-They must!

-Or at least know where it is.

-The gate's wide open.

-Oh, we're too late!

There's no sign of life anywhere...

-No, they're long gone.

-Course. If you're just about to stitch up Harry Holmes,

-you're not gonna hang around where he can find you.

-They must have moved out just after we saw them.

-They could be back in Glasgow by now. We're screwed.

-You mean Mickey is.

Wait, wait. If you were going to give Harry Holmes a fake,

you're not going to risk him spotting it. It'd have to be near-perfect.

So - where would you go for a near-perfect copy of a Picasso?

-A girl's got to earn a living!

-But why didn't you tell us, Dolly?

Well, I didn't know there was a connection!

It's the flaming cat in the wotsit, the painting we was asking you about!

Yeah, but I can't keep track of everything, I'm not an accountant, I'm an artist.

All right, all right. So...step by step, right?

You did the fake for the McCrarys, right?

-Maybe.

-Dolly! Stop messing about!

Are you going to let him speak to me like that?

Eh?

I thought what we had was special.

We didn't have anything!

You touched my Mabel!

-What?

-That-That is what she calls her ferret.

-Ferret?

-She keeps it in the khazi.

I don't let just anyone touch my Mabel.

Dolly!

Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

I made the McCrarys a fake,

and they said that they'd got a buyer, but he was a muppet

and he'd never know the difference.

Yeah, well, that "muppet" is Harry Holmes.

Oh. That's not good.

No, it's not, is it? So I need you to tell me

what the McCrarys were doing with the real Picasso.

They did say something about a new buyer.

Who?

I don't know.

-Did they say anything at all? Mention any names?

-No.

OK, right, well, the, er, the fake...

so, when you'd finished it, did they collect it from here?

-No.

-So how did you get it to them?

I had to parcel it up and send it in a cab.

Right. Where to?

-I don't remember.

-Dolly! This is important.

Look, it's all this pressure!

I can't think straight with you all looking at me!

-Would it help if we all just looked away?

-Yes. Except him.

Oh, come on, Dolly!

Oh. Oh!

Maybe a gin might do it.

It helps me to relax.

What do we have with it?

More gin.

-Go.

-Thank you.

It was a hotel.

Good. Which one?

Up west.

Name.

Have another gin.

-She's no use to us if she passes out, is she?

-I am here, you know!

I could, er...

I could book us a room while I was there.

It was the Goodridge on the South Bank.

See if they've got a four-poster!

Is he still alive?

HE GRUNTS IN PAIN

Yes, boss.

You know your friends have two hours to return with my painting.

If they are late, we cut off something every ten minutes until they get here.

If they are not here in two hours,

we kill whatever is left.

What do you think of that?

Do you want me to take his gag off? So he can tell you what he thinks?

No, no.

I'm a people person, it was a rhetorical question,

I know what he thinks.

You do?

He is thinking he hopes his friends come before we cut anything off.

Oh.

Then maybe he's thinking about what we will cut off, and in what order.

True?

-Do you think they're still here?

-Albert, do you know the concierge?

-Yes. Anthony...

-Excuse me a moment.

-I thought Dolly sent the fake painting here.

-Yes, the McCrary brothers needed a fake

-to give to Harry Holmes, not the real one.

-So the real one could be here?

There's only one way to find out.

All right. They're staying overnight,

they've booked a car tomorrow morning to go to the airport.

And right now, they're in the bar.

They don't look like they've got anything with them.

-What room are they in, Albert?

-624.

They've seen me and Ems, so we'll check the room,

-you keep an eye on 'em, give us a heads up if they move.

-All right.

-We haven't got a lot of time.

-You go that way.

-Yeah.

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

It's not here.

I'm making a real pig's ear of this, aren't I? All those times Mickey's bailed us out,

-I can't even find a painting.

-We'll find it, it's just a matter of time.

Time we haven't got. It's less than an hour now.

Know what? I'd rather get tooled up, go to Sava's and take me chances.

-You can't do that.

-Yeah, well, I can't do this either.

It's a setback, but come on, you're just as smart as Mickey.

Right. The McCrary brothers are still downstairs.

Let's just go and try to talk to them again.

We can get through this. Let's go.

Now, that's clever.

See? I told you we'd get it!

Who the hell are you?

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

So let me get this straight.

-Sava is holding your mate until you bring him this.

-Yeah.

And he doesn't know it was me who nicked the painting? He thinks it was you.

HE CHUCKLES

Sounds like you're up shit creek and left the paddle at home, sunshine.

And I have had a right result.

Just tell me one thing.

How did you know it was here?

We didn't. We just found the McCrarys and hoped for the best.

Yeah, well those two stitched me right up.

Didn't just sell me a moody painting,

they made me look like a prat in front of my wife's family.

Where are they?

No idea, there was no-one in the room when we got here.

All right, seems to me you two haven't done me any harm, you've got nothing I need,

and you've got enough to worry about. So get out.

Go on, sling your hook before I change my mind.

We can't do that.

-Oh, yeah?

-No.

Without the painting, Petre Sava's not gonna let our mate go.

So, I don't care who you are.

I ain't leaving without it.

And that's your final word?

Yeah, it is.

No, don't!

HE GRUNTS IN PAIN

Oohh...

Ash. That wasn't very smart.

So have we got a plan B?

-Well, it's more like plan A revisited.

-Eh?

-Harry will take the painting back to his father-in-law's like a hero.

-And we've got a plan

-to steal it back from there.

-Clever.

-Yeah, more importantly, we need Harry back at the house pronto,

and finding the McCrary boys will only slow him down. So let's make sure he has to leave now.

FIRE ALARM RINGS

Right.

Like a ballet, remember?

-We all set?

-Ready.

Set.

I'm ready.

Right.

Go!

And you're sure it's definitely the real one this time?

-Oh, yeah.

-Ooh, I love you so much, I could burst.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hi, I'm really sorry, but my Bobby has just run into your garden.

-Bobby?

-He's a white Bichon Frise.

-Oh.

-Only I was worried in case you had dogs.

-We do!

Oh.

No. Um...

Bobby! Darling, come on!

Wait, I'll come with you. >

THEY CALL OUT

OK, two in the viewing room.

'Time to split 'em up.'

PHONE RINGS

Bobby! Bobby!

Hello? Fairchild.

Paul Holland from New York.

'We met at an awful meet and greet in London last month.'

You do remember?

We've been through here twice before.

He could be under any of these bushes. Bobby!

OK, Ash, one left over.

CAR ALARM STARTS

OK, Ash, good to go, mate.

ALARM STOPS

-There!

-What?

I heard something! This way!

Bobby!

Yes. Uh-huh. Yes.

'Which brings me to my other point...'

REMOTE CAR LOCK BEEPS

< Yes, of course, I'd be interested in looking...

Yes, exactly.

You know, if you don't find them in the first half...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

You know, you might...excuse me.

Oh. Yes?

Time to go.

Oh, that's amazing. Oh, thank you, darling, so much.

Yes, I'm coming back now. All right.

He found his way home! He's such a clever baby!

Oh, thank you so much for helping.

-It's fine. It's fine.

-Bye, bye! Bye!

'..perhaps you can call me at my office tomorrow,

'and I can draw out some projections...'

Sorry, Matthew, I got the Senator on the other line, I've got to take it.

I'll be in touch, thank you so much.

Home, James, and don't spare the horses!

You won't believe what I've been doing in the garden.

I've been chasing...

Oh, no.

Yeah, I've got it. Yeah, the real one.

The same place as you left me in half an hour.

But if Mickey's not there, the deal's off. ..OK.

Half hour.

-Well?

-All set. We'll meet back at the warehouse in half an hour.

We give 'em the real painting, they give us Mickey.

-But can we trust them?

-The honest truth is, Albert, I don't know.

-What if Harry realises it was us?

-I don't know that either.

-What happens if...

-Let's get Mickey back first, and worry about everything else later, yeah?

-Sounds like a plan.

Yeah, well, first, I need a drink.

Set 'em up.

There you are!

Mad Dolly told us where to find you.

Oh?

That was you at the hotel, wasn't it?

Hotel?

I saw you leaving.

Just passing, were you?

That's right, yeah, we erm...

Well, we found out where you were

and we thought we'd try again, you know, to convince you to...

let us take the painting.

That's what I thought.

So it was you guys that set off the alarm, was it?

-Yeah, yeah, we...

-What did I tell you?

That's why we're here, we wanted to say thank you!

Eh?

Look, I don't know why you hit the alarm when you did,

but if you hadn't, we'd have just waltzed up there and found Harry Holmes in our room.

Yeah, well, you know, don't mention it.

So what happened?

You found us and then you saw Harry and his goons there too, right?

-That's right, yeah. So...we legged it. Only we didn't want to drop you in it, so...

-So we hit the alarm.

Look. All I know is if it wasn't for you guys we would be screwed.

So, thank you.

It's a pleasure, I hope you'd do the same for us.

Oh, absolutely!

-Well, there you go.

-We'd love to stay and have a beer with you,

but we have a flight to catch.

We've got to get home and make a start on spending this.

400 grand...for the painting.

The painting?

The Picasso.

We sold Harry one of the duds Dolly made.

-Yeah, I heard. That's why he was looking for you.

-Oh, no doubt.

But we also had another buyer lined up for the real one. German guy.

Wait. You said you sold "one of the duds" to Harry?

So you sold a dud to the German too?

No, no, he got the real thing. Bid the highest you see.

No, we had Dolly make two duds. We sold one to Harry,

and the other we were going to sell to some Aussie guy in the hotel bar, but he was a no show.

Yeah, yeah, but you can't have sold the real one,

because Harry found it in your room.

He would have been pretty disappointed when he got home.

-Eh?

-Did the deal with the German guy this afternoon,

long before Harry found us.

If he found a painting in our room, it was the other dud.

Shit, I think we actually hung it up on the wall.

We were leaving it as a wee present for the hotel.

Look, like I said, we just came here to say thank you.

Oh, by the way, how did, er... How did things pan out with your friend?

Oh, well, we're, er... We're still working on it.

Well, good luck with that.

Cheers.

DOOR CLOSES

So we stole another fake?

You told Sava we had half an hour. We've got 15 minutes.

So what do we do now?

Here you are, mate.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

When you live outside the law, on the fringes of society,

you're always going to have days like this.

What you might call a bad day in the office.

Well, the thing is not to panic.

Because people like this lot, they're like dogs,

they can smell fear.

So the trick is to make them think you know something they don't.

That way they'll generally hold off killing you

while they try and work out what it is.

You have brought my painting?

-You brought my friend?

-Painting first.

-Friend first or there's no deal.

-I don't think you're in a position to negotiate, do you?

If you believe that, it could be the worst mistake you ever made.

I see my friend... you see your painting.

Now your turn.

Right. Who's got my painting?

-This is none of your business, Harry.

-Well, I'm making it my business, Boris,

I've been dancing around you lot for too long.

My name is not Boris.

It is when I'm talking to you.

You know, calling me Boris is racist.

-Tough.

-Er, excuse me, can we, er... Can we get on with this, please?

-What are you doing here?

-What do you think I'm flaming doing here?

I've come to swap this painting...

for my mate.

-That is my painting.

-No. My painting.

-I nicked it, fair and square.

-And now I'm getting it back.

That's enough!

-Who you shouting at?

-You!

The pair of you!

Have you never heard of honour amongst thieves?

Some kind of nodding appreciation amongst your peers?

You're like a couple of five-year-olds.

"Please, Miss, he's nicked my painting." It's pathetic.

-And I've had it with both of you!

-Get the painting.

Ah, ah, ah!

I've had a gun shoved up me hooter, been hung upside down

and kicked up in the air.

I've been threatened by at least three nationalities

while running around half of London chasing some stupid picture of a cat in someone's back garden

that looks like it was done by a three-year-old on a sugar rush.

I've been lied to, cheated and generally abused

just because me and my mate here were trying to earn an honest crust

when Rasputin here went and kidnapped him.

-Hey. Rasputin is worse than Boris.

-I said, shut it!

Now, I don't know whose painting this is and, to be quite honest, I don't give a flying toss!

-I've had a very bad day!

-Do you know who you're talking to?

Never mind who I'm talking to.

You ought to worry about who we are, son. We're grifters. Yeah.

This bloke over here. He's sold the Eiffel Tower,

the Palace Of Westminster and the Sydney Opera House.

We broke banks, companies and political parties.

We took on the mafia in Las Vegas

and we made the London Special Branch look like the Keystone Cops.

So never mind about you two threatening us!

Now, I'm threatening you!

We're going to make you our hobby.

Spend sleepless nights working out how to take away everything from you, every penny.

It won't be just a sodding painting you have to worry about,

you'll be working out where you're going to sleep at night.

Because we're going to pick you clean.

We'll strip every bit of flesh off the bone.

Nice speech. I got just one question.

Yeah, what's that?

How are you lot going to do that, when you're dead?

Very good.

Now, give me my painting.

No. No. You give me MY painting.

Some people never listen, do they?

I tell you what...

you can sort it out amongst yourselves.

Get it round the side! Yeah, that's it.

Watch what you're doing!

Don't damage it!

You didn't phone, you didn't write.

Sorry, mate, I've been a bit tied up.

Is that who I think it is?

Harry Holmes, yeah.

Good job he turned up.

Yeah, well...I phoned him.

-You phoned him?

-Yeah.

So what do we do now?

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Hello. Harry?

Would you be interested to know who the McCrary boys were working for when they double-crossed you?

Aye, I do know. Have you got a pen?

Just watch the painting, will ya?

They don't seem to like each other very much.

No, well, I er... I phoned the other one 'an all.

-IN RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Harry Holmes. Yes, he cheated a friend of mine.

So when I found out he stole your painting,

I thought it right to call you.

And I phoned the Old Bill in case it went pear-shaped. They'll be here any minute.

I've got it!

-Oh.

-Is that the real Picasso?

Oh, no, no. No, that's a fake.

-Guys. Can I... Can I ask a question?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything.

-No, it's OK.

Wouldn't it have been simpler to get the real painting?

SIRENS WAIL IN THE DISTANCE

It's OK.

-Cheers, Ed.

-Thank you.

So no-one's looking for us?

No. No, you see, they both thought that the original was damaged

in the fight at the warehouse.

But neither Petre Sava nor Harry Holmes could afford to lose face.

So the only way they could save face was to have a fake each.

That way, they could both say they won and honour is restored.

And they all get to live happily ever after.

Down. Ah.

Yeah, well, you know, happy as they can be.

Perfect.

It seems the only winners are the McCrary boys.

Tell me about it. They just walked off with 400 grand.

Whoa, they might get to go with all the money

-but we got something much more precious. We got Mickey back.

-Oh, yes, that's true.

-Yeah.

-Ah. Thanks, guys.

-You can't put a price on friendship.

-But if you could, it'd be about 400 grand.

-Ignore him - he was beside himself when you were gone.

He was taking all the blame, he was full of self-loathing.

-It was heartbreaking to watch. It was.

-Yeah, yeah.

-We made no money, but apart from the odd bruise, everything turned out OK.

-Yes, it did.

Ash, I've got to ask you, did you really lose it with those gangsters at the warehouse?

We hadn't got a lot of options at that point,

-so I thought I'd do a bit of Mickey waffle.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-"Mickey waffle"?

-Yeah, you know that thing where you talk a lot but don't actually say anything.

Sorry, no, I do not "waffle".

-You do a bit.

-When?

-Usually when you know you're wrong but you won't admit it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but that's far from waffling, that's just my way of presenting a reasoned argument.

A way of putting forward the facts, which in the main, Ash,

I'm sorry to say, is something you fail to do.

You prefer to use emotional rhetoric littered with expletives to make your point.

No, it's true, it's true.

That was NOT "waffling".

I wish you'd left me in the boot now.

-Well, it can be arranged.

-ED:

-I brought you tomorrow's papers.

-Oh, cheers.

That was that Dolly bird again. I was going to give you a shout but you were waffling.

-Cheers, Ed.

-I wasn't waffling.

-Course not.

Erm...this Dolly...she sounds a bit of all right on the phone. What's she like?

-Oh, now...now...she is special.

-Yeah? Is she a looker?

Oh...definitely.

-Is she a looker?

-Got a lovely set of teeth, hasn't she, Sean?

-Amazing.

Only we had a little bit of a chat. We got on like a house on fire.

Think she was flirting a bit when she, er...

when she rang earlier, you know, she said she liked me accent and that so, er...so you know...

-might have a crack at it like.

-"It"?

Yeah, yeah, you don't mind, do you?

I don't want to tread on anyone's toes.

No. Good for you, you go for "it".

She's invited me round for a drink.

-Yeah?

-Edward. This is a match made in heaven.

You think so?

Absolutely. You knock yourself out, son.

Cheers, guys. I'll let you know how I get on.

-Do you think that was a bit cruel?

-Yeah. Probably.

Oh, listen to this.

It says here that a Mondrian was stolen from a gallery in Central London,

and it's valued at £2.3 million.

Doesn't Tucker still do fake Mondrians?

-It was a joke.

-Yeah!

-Should've seen your faces.

-Oi!

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