Episode 1 In the Club

'So, in last week's blog,

'I promised I'd post up the current pregnant "no" list.'

Diane Manning?

'Let's start with the two biggies - it's a no to cigarettes

'and a no to alcohol. But did you also know it's a no to caffeine?

'No to drugs, except prescribed by a doctor.

'No diet drinks, no energy drinks.'

-Sorry, have I missed my appointment?

-No, it's all right.

I managed to swap you with another one of my ladies - you're next in, OK? Did you get it off?

'No cocoa. No chocolate - it contains caffeine.

'No high heels, no tight clothing,

'no hot baths, no saunas,

'no sun beds, no spray tans, no foot spas, no highlights...

'No unpasteurised juice, no green tea - in fact, no red-hot drinks.

'No soft cheese, no pate,

'no raw eggs, no shellfish,

'no luncheon meat, no liver...

'So now I'd like to suggest some other "no's" while you're pregnant.

'Like...no to washing-up, no cleaning the loo, no cooking,

'ironing, tidying up.

'Oh, yeah, and it's a big no to the arsey receptionist

'putting you on hold for half an hour

'when you're on the phone to the gas board or the council.

'I have noticed though

'that more people tend to smile at me now I'm pregnant.

'I expect that's because I'm fatter than them.'

That's all for now, love to know what you think -

post me a message, this is Kim signing off.

Susie! 15AndFrightened has left me another message...

Susie!

She's so sweet - she's petrified, poor thing.

She hasn't told a soul she's pregnant...

Really?

You're not interested, are you?

No, I'm not.

We've got a son who didn't let us know

last night was his parents' evening at school.

Yes, I thought we said we'd go up to the school...

You must've known it was his parents' evening.

I'm part-time and I've no idea what goes on in year ten.

Well, maybe he didn't tell us cos he thought we wouldn't be interested.

What's that supposed to mean?

Mr Wilson has simply been building a business to provide

the lifestyle for his wife and two children.

He's put both his son and daughter through private school...

-I didn't even WANT them to go to private sch...

-..trust funds, they're shareholders

in the business and they continue to live in the family home.

Nobody is questioning what Mr Wilson has provided for this family, that's not the issue here.

My client just wants a share of the recruitment business that she has helped build over the past 23 years.

What SHE'S helped build?! She's not getting one penny piece of my business!

It's not just your business, Ray - I sunk everyth...

She's ruined this family, torn it apart. She's an embarrassment.

To me, to her son, to her daughter, to all of the family.

-What's she done? Nothing but cause...

-Just let me handle this, Ray -

let's just calm down.

Cos I don't like being called a slag in front of people

-I have known for a very long time!

-What do you expect!

Mr Wilson earns in excess of £180,000 a year,

he has investments of over £2 million, properties,

a considerable pension, the company made profits of...

Yes, I have all the figures here in front of me.

-She's a disgrace to the family, and to the company name.

-If I can just speak...

-Are you all right, Mrs Wilson?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

I've just got a bit of trapped...

It's indigestion, it's...

She's playing the sympathy card.

I'm not sure you should be drinking all of that in your condition.

-It's because I'm in this condition that I've got...

-Can we get back to what we're here for?

I'm parked in the multistorey and it's costing a fortune.

It'll cost you a good deal more if you don't let me speak.

Now, I understand that Mrs Wilson received a salary of £46,000

per year from Best Endeavour Ltd, before the relationship broke down?

-And a car.

-Yeah, which you took back.

Too right I did. Why should I pay for that drugged-up dick-brain

to drive a car while he's shagging my wife?

He can't drive, he doesn't take drugs and I am not your wife.

..big bastard belly. None of the family want to see her ever again.

Yeah, because you made out like I'd wrecked this wonderful marriage...

-You have!

-When you know as well as I do that this marriage has been a complete bloody sham for years.

We didn't even sleep in the same bed!

-That's cos you moved into the spare room!

-One at a time, please!

You brought nothing to this relationship, Ray, other than money.

And God knows you were tight enough with that.

-You didn't love me, Ray - I'm not sure you even liked me.

-How do you know?

Because of the way you spoke to me.

Listen, I was a successful businesswoman before I ever met you.

I had a good job,

I had my own home with a small mortgage and a decent car -

what have I got now? Nothing! Except for two children who don't...

Who hate you.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this. I don't want anything.

You can keep your bloody money, keep your business,

I don't want a bloody thing.

The last time I had a scan I was 12 weeks pregnant

-and the week after, I lost the baby.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

It's all right, it were eight years ago, I'm over it now.

But that's why I refused my 12 and 20-week scan.

I see. It was probably just a coincidence, it might not have been anything to do with the ultrasound.

I just didn't want to take the risk. I've read things about it

and you don't really know what the long-term effect is, do you?

Well, we've been scanning pregnant woman for quite a few years now.

We feel that it's the best way to monitor that

everything's on course and there's no complications.

My mum didn't have a scan when she had me or my sister...

If you could just stop talking for a minute...

Sorry.

Sorry, I'm just really nervous.

Is everything all right?

If you could just keep really still

and quiet.

Oi! What the bloody hell are you doing?

You need an 'ard hat on in here!

Oh, sorry, sorry. I'm Rick, Rick Manning. Are you Mr Forbes?

-Aye.

-Yeah - I'm Rick, sorry, I'm from the Job Centre!

They said they'd phoned you to let you know I was comin'. I had to get two buses.

I'm looking for an apprentice.

I thought they were sending a lad.

-Yeah.

-How old are ya?

I'm 37, but I'm a fast learner, right?

I've just been made redundant and I need to get some cash in,

you know, I've got kids.

I can't help you, mate.

I can't take you on, it wouldn't be right.

You need a proper job.

I had a proper job, I was - I was a printer, right, and I got laid off

and...

I'm on Job-seeker's...

I've been for 19 interviews,

this'll be me twentieth.

I'm going to lose me house if I don't get summat soon, so...

I'll make the tea, I'll sweep the floor.

-I'll do anythin'.

-I'm sorry, mate, I wish I could help.

-I can't help you.

-No, it's...

-You'd better get off-site.

-OK.

-Good luck, eh?

-Cheers, mate.

Are you with anybody? Your husband or...

No...no. He's at work. I didn't tell him I had to have this scan cos I didn't want him taking time off.

He's going to need all the time off he can get after I've had the baby!

My mam's picking the kids up...

-I thought this was your first baby.

-It's my first biological baby.

We tried for two years after my miscarriage

and then we decided to adopt.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I just keep thinking, you know - with me being that bit older...

-Most of our mothers are in their thirties these days.

-Yeah,

I go to Parentcraft class and a few of the mothers are my age, actually.

In fact, one of them is in her forties,

but she had an amniocentesis. They offered me one,

but I didn't see the point, cos I were going to have it anyway.

We've been trying for a baby for ten years, ever since we got married.

I had an exploratory and they found out I had a tilted womb

and damaged tubes so I had an operation, but that didn't work.

Then we had IVF, but that didn't work, either...

So you see this is, um... This is our little miracle.

Miracles, plural.

What?

It's twins.

No way!

There you go,

that's your second baby.

Oh, my God.

'That's why you're bigger than you should be for 35 weeks.'

Hiya, it's me...

Ring me when you get this message, will you?

Hang on a minute - where's the car?

Er... I'll phone you back, love,

I can't remember where I put the car!

Excuse me, love, I know I'm a bit jelly-brained,

but I could've swore I parked my car there.

Blue Picasso? Reg LE59 FNW?

Yeah, that's right.

-Garage came to tow it away.

-Garage? What garage?

I don't know, love, they had official papers and everything.

There you go.

I'm sorry, there were nowt I could do.

Hiya, Miss Hall.

Hiya, Rosie.

Who's that?

Rosie Hutchinson, I talk to her in the playground sometimes.

She's a bit of a loner, her mother died of breast cancer last year

and she's been piling weight on ever since.

Maybe she's just comfort eating.

Yeah. I can't believe how she's changed, and it's such a shame

cos some of the kids tease her... There he is.

-Oh, God - what're you doing here?

-That's not a very nice way to talk to your mother.

I'll catch you up, mate. I'm off to footie with Marcus.

-Yeah, I know - we're come to see your teacher.

-Seeing as you didn't tell us it was parents' evening

-last night.

-I forgot.

-Well, Mrs Somersby rang me

and we made an appointment.

Right, well, don't go sayin' anything embarrassing.

-Like what?

-Leave it, Kim - we'll talk about it later.

-Talk about what?

-We'll see you at home.

I'm off to me dad's after t'game.

-All right, well, we'll pick you up from your dad's, then.

-Right, whatever.

You shouldn't let him talk to you like that.

Oh, it's all right.

Is your mam and Miss Hall lezzers?

What?! No, are you mental? They're just mates.

I just wondered if everything was all right at home?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Cos he really doesn't seem himself lately,

he's much more withdrawn in the class and then

the opposite in the playground - argumentative and aggressive.

I wasn't sure if you knew,

but he's been on detention twice for fighting.

-No?

-Jude?

-It's just not the Jude we know.

-How is he with the pregnancy?

-He never says anything.

No, he never talks about his home life at school, either

and I don't know if that's a conscious decision

because he's uncomfortable with the situation, or...

I don't know why, because Kim's been in his life

since he were 11, I mean, he thinks of her as his other mum.

I'm not sure he does, Susie...

And according to this, he'd just like us both to be eaten by Mutant Zombies and go live with his dad.

Yeah, sorry about that, his creative writing seems to...

Say it like it is.

-Look, there's definitely something troubling him.

-Hmm.

Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies?

Don't walk past us, you'll upset Sean. He really fancies you.

-Leave off.

-He's a bit of a chubby-chaser on the quiet.

-Ignore him.

-What've you got in there?

Give me it back! Stop it, I mean it. I'll tell my dad... Just give me it back!

I bet you've got some sweets and chocolate. Maybe some doughnuts.

Ah, look!

She's drawn a love heart on the front of her book.

Only...she's crossed his name out.

-Who is it?

-Give her her bag back, you moron.

You can tell us who it is. Is he a fat bastard, like you?

I bet he is.

Mr Juggernaut!

Aw, look who's gonna cry.

Look, ignore him, it's cos he's got a small dick.

What did you say?

Rosie!

Rosie!

Rosie!

DOG BARKS

I'm home!

Oh, I know, I can smell you.

Take your clothes off before you come in here.

Bloody hell.

How can you smell it? I haven't even got in the room.

What are you laid on the floor for?

I can't get any of my shoes on, my feet have gone up two sizes.

You'll have to ask your sister to lend me some of hers.

Oh, that smell's making me feel sick.

I'm sorry, what can I do? I work in a restaurant, we use spices.

I brought you some scented flowers.

You'll have to get in the shower,

and put your clothes in t'machine and clean your teeth.

I have to go back this evening, Sal's cut his finger.

He's had to have stitches in it.

You can't go back, we've got Parentcraft tonight.

It's the delivery suite visit and I've got to see it.

I can't go on my own, I'm too ill.

You're not ill, baby, you're pregnant.

Er, you try carrying this around all day and tell me you don't feel ill.

I've got back ache, swollen feet, constant heartburn,

and three piles the size of Victoria plums, and pains everywhere.

Not pains, sweetheart.

Yes, pains! Give me your hand.

-You don't think you're going into labour?

-I don't know!

How am I supposed to know? This is my first.

No it can't be, not yet, I've got another six weeks to go.

And then we'll have our beautiful baby.

Here I come...

SHE GAGS

Now go and clean your teeth and gargle with that mouthwash!

-Dev.

-What?

I do love you, and I know I'm a pain...

but it's not for much longer, yeah?

PHONE RINGS

Ooh, that'll be Diane calling and checking we're coming in tonight.

Hey, what you doing?

Jas's phone, hello?

Who is it?

Hello?

No idea. It must've been a wrong number.

Don't leave your clothes on the bedroom floor,

and call and tell them you can't come in tonight.

How did it go?

He was his usual vile, arrogant self.

Sorry. I should've come with you.

No, no, no, no.

I shouldn't have let you go on your own.

No, no. I didn't want you to, it would have just made him worse.

I got terrible wind and indigestion,

it must have been that hummus. I couldn't concentrate on anything.

All I could think about was getting out of that room.

Anyway, I've decided I'm just going to walk away from it all.

What do you mean?

He can have the business, I don't want it.

But you started it, you helped build it...

And I can start again, once the baby's born.

What about the house?

Well, it's my kids' home. I can't make him sell it.

But that's not fair, why should he have it all when you're...?

Because I've got you, and you're all I want,

you and our baby.

-Did you show her the paintings?

-Yeah.

Did she like them?

She wasn't too keen on Love in Embryo,

but she liked Bridges in Sunlight.

That's fantastic - how much is she going to buy it for?

She doesn't buy it, she exhibits it.

But it will sell, won't it?

Maybe.

Oh, it will.

If I liked it and was willing to pay for it, others definitely will.

Shit, the painting, your painting.

It's in the living room.

He's never going to let me have it. I'll never see it again.

-I'll get it back for you.

-How?

I don't know, I'll think of something.

I need a drink.

-Do you want a glass of water?

-No, I want a proper drink.

I want a large gin and tonic.

But you're not supposed to...

All right, then, I'll have a large glass of wine.

-Are you sure?

-Yes!

I've just walked away from the best part of three million quid,

I've got no idea how we're going to live -

I need something, I tell you.

This is the third message I've left you.

This is important, I need to talk to you!

I'm at your work now, heading inside.

You're going to have to keep your phone on you, love.

I could go into labour any time and if you want to see your baby born,

I'm going to have to be able to get a message to you.

All right, I'm coming in now.

Hello, love, how are you?!

My God, look at the size of you.

How nice to see you.

Rick told us you were pregnant,

how lovely is that after all those years trying?

I know, I couldn't believe it.

You look ready to drop, sweetheart.

I'm only 35 weeks, but...

Oh, you won't go full term, never in a million years.

Well, I hope it goes all right for you.

I'm just here till the end of the month

and then I'll be down the road drawing me pension.

Can I get you a cup of tea?

No, if you'll just let Rick know I'm here.

Rick? He doesn't work here any more, love.

What?

He left, it must be about five months ago now,

nine of 'em made redundant.

Hasn't he told you?

He must have.

Sorry. Yeah, of course he's told me.

It's just me.

Talk about jelly brained.

I forgot. He's working with his dad.

I'm glad he got something,

cos I was worried about him, having a young family and that.

It's hard out there.

My nephew's been looking for a job for over a year, bless him.

Used to be 68 staff out there and now there's 22.

It's iPads and the internet, they're killing the printing trade.

All I can say is I'm glad I'm not just starting out.

Are you all right, love?

Do you want to sit down?

That's it.

-RECORDED VOICE:

-You have three new messages.

'The loan company's taken our car.'

Oh, shit!

'They must have followed me to the hospital. What is going on?

'Ring me.'

Next message.

'Hi, it's me again.

'This is the third message I've left you.

'I'm outside your work now, heading inside.

No, no, no, no.

Message deleted.

Oh, no. Shit.

I can't do this. Can I go and watch the telly?

No, love, you can't watch TV till you've done your homework.

Hello, only me!

Our Diane's been trying to get hold of you.

Oh, yeah - me phone just died.

She sounded upset, something about car going missing.

Oh, er, she just, you know, she forgets where she's parked it.

Can you ring her? Use the house phone.

Oh, no, no, I've spoke to her, I've spoke to her.

Sammy, your daddy's here!

I got a gold star for my story.

Good boy! Have a good day at school?

-Mm-hm.

-You all right, love?

You're going to have to help her with her homework.

I can't do fractions, I never could.

Nana said you had to turn

the numbers upside down.

I'm sure that's what they taught me. Well, something like that anyway.

It's probably all changed nowadays, though.

I haven't fed them. They didn't want me stew and dumplings.

Ah, it's no problem, it's fine. Thanks for picking 'em up.

-Shall we go?

-How did she go on at the hospital?

Oh, she hasn't gone to the hospital,

she was just meeting some of the girls in town from Parentcraft.

She told me she had to have a scan

cos the midwife thought she were bigger than she should be.

First I've heard of it.

She said she weren't having a scan after what happened last time.

That's what she told me. She's definitely bigger than I was.

She's bloody massive.

I dunno, I dunno. Right then, shall we go?

Look, apple, come on.

-Say thank you.

-Thank you.

-Come on, then, let's go.

-OK, bye.

All right, thanks very much again, thanks for taking them home.

-All right, OK.

-Bye, Nana.

-Bye-bye, see you tomorrow.

-See you.

-Bye.

-Bye now.

Go on, Jude.

Go on, Jude, tackle him. Get stuck in!

That's it. Turn and face, then, turn and face.

Hiya, what are you doing here?

I thought he was staying for tea and I was dropping him off later.

Yeah, I need to talk to him, spend a bit of time with him.

We've been having a few problems.

Oh, aye, like what?

Oh, just at school, it were parents evening and he didn't tell us

and he's been a bit distant at home.

We were wondering if you wanted to come to Parentcraft with me?

I'd love to but it's a bit difficult. I promised Jude...

I need to get him to open up a bit.

I can have a word with him if you like,

see if there's anything troubling him.

-Might be easier for him to talk to me.

-He's my son.

-He's my son too.

Yeah, but that weren't part of the deal.

Excuse me, what exactly was the deal I signed up to, Susie?

-Sorry, I didn't mean that.

-It was never really that clear.

Am I supposed to just provide you and Kim with matching babies

-and just piss off?

-No! Nobody expects that, Neil.

I want you to come to Parentcraft with me cos I see you as a parent.

This baby is your baby as much as it's mine,

and we want you to be part of...

-Yes! Good lad!

-Fantastic!

Good lad!

Dad, did you see that? Did you see that?!

Yeah, I saw it. Good lad.

What did he do?

-What's Mum doing here?

-He scored a goal.

Oh, right.

All right, if I go with Kim, who's going to explain it to Jude?

Me.

I promised him a burger.

-All right, I'll take him for a burger.

-All right, then.

Go on, Jude! Kick the ball!

SHE CHEERS

WOMAN GROANS ON TV

'Feel it coming again, feel it coming, ready,

'push as hard as you can...'

WOMAN SCREAMS

'Brilliant. And again, deep breath in, deep breath in.

'Push down hard into your bottom. Go on. Good girl, that's it.

'Keep it going.'

Rosie! What's that bloody noise?

-Sorry if I had it on too loud, it's...

-What are you watching?

Just something I recorded. It's all right, I'll watch it later.

Is there any tea?

There's a pie and chips in oven. Are you working tonight?

Huh? Yeah, yeah, I'm taking another load down to Southampton.

I was thinking I might go to me mate's house later on.

-What mate?

-Shannon - she's in my year at school,

we're doing a project together.

-I want you back in this flat by half-nine do you hear?

-Yeah.

What's that?

Me mam's dressing gown.

I thought I told you to take all that stuff down to the charity shop.

Yeah, well, I wanted to keep this, it smells of her.

I rang and told you. We might have to miss a couple of payments

till I get myself turned round. The bloke said he'd write it

on our file.

Listen. Listen to me. Listen, the thing is, I need the car.

I've got kids, my wife's pregnant.

Right.

OK, so if I can get the outstanding payments to you,

can I get the car back?

No, yeah, I've got a set of keys and my wife's got a set. Why?

I won't put them in the bleeding post. You can piss off.

-What's happened to the car?

-Nothing.

-You cross, Dad?

No, I'm all right, don't worry.

-I'm starving, Dad, can we have a pizza?

-No.

We never have pizza any more.

It's not fair.

Yeah, well, you'll soon learn life ain't fair, son.

I've got my Brownie money from last night.

Mum didn't ask for it back after it was cancelled.

-Listen...

-And Nana gave me £2 for getting a gold star at school.

What if your mum's made something to eat?

She won't have cos Nana told her we were having stew.

-Please, Dad!

-Please! Please.

-Pretty please.

-Please. Please.

-Please, Dad.

Please, please, Dad.

We'll only get one pizza. We'll share it.

Please, please, please, please. No drinks.

Come on, come on, just don't tell your mum. She'll kill me.

Right go on, go through.

Sit down quietly, all right?

You all right?

Hiya, mate.

Can I get you anything while you look at the menu?

I know what I want - a pepperoni pizza and a Coke.

Hawaiian pizza, curly fries, and a lemonade, please.

And for you, sir?

Erm, erm, I'm all right, actually. Can I just get, erm...

just a glass of tap water?

Yeah, that's fine, yeah. You sure? All right, coming right up.

Thanks, man.

Oi!

How am I supposed to pay for that?

-BOTH:

-Sorry.

Just stay there a second.

Where are you going?

I'm just going to get some money out of the hole in the wall.

Sam, stay with your sister, all right?

Shit.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I hope so.

I'm really sorry to do this, but I need you to empty everythin'

you've got in that till into a cash bag and give it to me.

If you press any alarms or let anybody know,

I'm going to press this button.

Right, this button, which is attached to seven sticks of dynamite

under this jacket.

Enough to blow you, me and whole of this building sky-high.

Right now I'm not bothered either way,

cos believe me I'm in deep shit, right, so if you want to live,

I suggest you start putting the money in a bag now.

We don't carry very much in the till,

I think there's only about £2,000.

Just put everythin' you've got in that bag.

Everything you've got.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

OK come on, that's fine, that's fine.

-Now, now, now!

-That's it.

OK, thank you. Thank you very much.

Now, look, I am really sorry to have done this to you.

I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't have been desperate, OK?

I'm sorry. Will you be all right?

I think so.

Right, I'm going to...I'm going to go.

Just please don't press any alarms or...

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry, OK?

I'm sorry.

Oh, my...

You all right, you all right? How's your pizza?

-All right?

-Where've you been?

I told you, to get some money out of the bank.

Right, come on, who's going to give me a slice of pizza?

SIRENS WAIL

Look, Dad, something must've happened.

Eh? Oh, yeah.

Right, let's, er, let's take this pizza away, shall we?

Your mum's going to be wanting to see where you are anyway.

Listen, mate, I've left some money on the table, pal. All right?

Right, yeah.

Hey, come on, let's go, go, go. Come on, quickly.

Let's go, let's go. Right, go on, let's go, go, go.

Hiya. Susie, Parentcraft. Kim's partner.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, I didn't recognise ya. Yeah.

-This is my son Jude.

-Hiya, Jude, all right, mate?

-These are yours?

-Yeah, these are my two.

Hello, hello! How's Diane?

Yeah, she's, you know, getting bigger, crankier.

Well, I'll probably see you down there, won't I?

No. No, er, Neil's going with Kim tonight.

He's the baby's dad so, er...

I might see you next week.

Yeah, yeah, be good, yeah.

Come on, we've got to go cos we're late, so... See ya!

Nice to see ya.

Come on, quickly, quickly.

Diane!

We're home, love!

You've left the door open, you know.

Have we been burgled?

OK, all right, I know, I can explain, right...

We've been for pizza.

Go upstairs, the pair of you. Me and your dad need to talk.

DOOR CLOSES

So...

I gather you were made redundant five months ago?

Yep.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want to worry you...

..and have you lose the baby like you did last time.

That were eight years ago!

I know that, but I didn't want risk anything going wrong again.

So tell me.

When did it happen,

before or after we decided to have the dormer done?

After.

What did you think was going to happen, Rick?

Did you think money were just going to float down from heaven?

-No, I thought I'd get another job.

-Yeah, and when you didn't?

How long were you going to leave it before you told me?

I don't know. Cos every day I thought, "Well, I'll get something,"

but I tell you, there are no jobs, Diane.

Nothing. Not where I can earn proper money.

Course there's bloody jobs, have you tried looking in the paper.

Every day.

So apart from looking in the paper, what else have you been doing?

What else have I been doing?

I've been going to the Jobcentre, I've been going to interviews,

I've been talking to the bank about our mortgage,

I've been trying to get us a loan.

Diane, I haven't stopped, not for one minute.

We've got builders in this house doing the loft conversion

who we owe thousands of pounds to.

He gave me a copy of the bill, says he left you one three weeks ago.

-I know.

-You've been letting me spend money on doing out the nursery.

-We haven't got any money!

-Yeah, well, we needed a nursery!

I've just looked at our bank statement. We are £3,800 overdrawn.

-I know.

-We haven't paid the gas bill, the tax bill,

-the loan people have taken the car.

-I know this! I know!

Well, I'll tell you something you don't bloody know,

we're expecting twins.

And I'm in labour, so you better get me to the hospital fast.

-What, now, now?!

-Yes, now now!

CAR HORN BEEPS

Oh, I'm really sorry about this.

You all right, Mam?

Been a hold-up at the bank earlier,

and all this lot's been cordoned off.

It's caused a right traffic backlog, I could try a different way

-if you like.

-Just get me there as fast as you can.

Why don't you try cuttin' down onto Burley Road?

No, no, it's rush hour, it'll be all choked up...

-I can feel another one coming.

-You all right, you all right?

-How far apart is that?

-I don't know, what time was the last one?

Just...just go any way you can, mate.

Just get there as quick as you can, please.

So I just came straight out with it

and I said are you going to ask me to marry you or not?

-And what did he say?

-He said he wasn't sure.

-Cheeky bugger, I'd love to meet him.

-I know!

So I said, "Well, let's put it like this -

"I am not hanging about waiting for you to make your mind up."

I want to be married before this baby's born.

There's plenty of other men who'd be only too happy to marry me,

-pregnant or not.

-Too right...

You know, I think you'd better put a requisition form in

for a bigger uniform, you're popping at the seams.

That tunic's not going to last another week.

Sorry to interrupt your cup of tea.

We've got a new admission in Maternity Assessment.

Room four's fully dilated,

room two's screaming for an epidural again.

We've got Parentcraft in 20 minutes.

Shit, what we going to do?

-You go, I'll get someone to cover.

-All right, cheers.

WOMAN SCREAMS

Mum, why was she screaming?

Oh, she's just giving birth, love, it's all right.

Ring your mam, see if she's on her way.

OK. Hello, hello?

Hiya, I'm Geraldine. What name is it, love?

Hi, I'm Rick, this is my wife, Diane. Diane Manning.

Did you phone us?

No, no, but I think I'm in labour.

Have you brought your notes with you, love?

Oh, no, sorry, I forgot. I were in such a panic.

When you ring my mam, tell her they're in the top drawer...

-Top drawer. OK, yep, yep.

-How far on are you?

I'm 35 weeks, but I've just found out I'm having twins.

You've just found out?

OK, if you just follow me, sweetheart, and we'll have a look.

Kids, kids, come here, please.

I don't think he was a customer.

I don't remember serving him before...

OK.

I was quite frightened.

That's all right, take your time.

I don't think I needed to be. Cos he was really nice.

He said he was genuinely sorry for doing what he was doing.

I think he was desperate.

Sir, do you want to come and have a look at this?

I think we've got a match on the cashpoint camera.

OK, we'll be right through.

All right, can you just run that through again for us, please?

I'm trying, Sarge, yeah.

-Yep, that's him.

-Sure?

Yep.

That's it, lovely, just try and relax.

I just want to check how your cervix is doing,

and see if you're dilated.

So you've missed a couple of hospital appointments.

Yeah, cos me mam were poorly and I had to look after the kids.

I see, so when was the last time you were measured?

I think I can feel another one coming.

Just try and breathe through it...

Do you want some pain relief, sweetheart?

No, it's not really pain,

it's just tight and uncomfortable around here.

Can you go to the house and get Diane's notes?

They're in the top drawer.

You can't use your mobile in here,

it interferes with foetal machinery. Payphone in the waiting room.

-Sorry, love, I'm finished now.

-Can you turn your phone off now, please?

-Yeah, sorry, she's just forgot her notes. Sorry, love.

-OK.

Right, come on, then, come on. Don't worry, your mum's fine.

-We'll go through there.

-Has she had it yet, Dad?

No, she's fine, she's just getting checked.

Help yourselves to any of the leaflets.

Hiya! Hi, girls.

This is my partner, Simon.

Pleased to meet you, Simon. I'm Kim and she's Yasmin.

Welcome to the madhouse!

And this is my baby's dad, Neil.

Oh, and there's tea and coffee in the jugs, and biscuits in the tin.

-And all contributions...

-Thanks.

Pleased to meet you, mate.

This your first time?

Yeah, I'm a bit nervous.

It's our fourth session. Oh, I'm Dev, by the way, mate.

-Do you want a brew?

-Yeah.

-Neil, come on.

So where's Susie tonight?

Big trauma with Jude.

She thinks we aren't giving him enough attention,

but really he's just being a brat.

Do you think he's jealous of the baby?

I don't know, but if he is, what's he going to be like when it comes?

Perhaps you should talk to him.

Every time I say anything to him Susie accuses me of picking on him.

-But when you decided to have him, did you discuss...?

-I didn't decide.

Jude was nearly 11 when I met Susie -

-she was with someone else then, Maria.

-Oh, sorry, I didn't realise.

It's fine, honestly.

Is Diane coming?

Well, she hasn't rung round like she normally does.

I texted her cos she was having a scan

and I knew she was a bit nervous, but she hasn't texted me back.

Is this your first baby?

No, no, but it's Kim's first.

Me and Kim's partner, Susie, have got a son.

Right, I bet that's complicated.

We have our moments, but we usually sort it.

We've known each other for... Well, since school.

-We've been mates for over 30 years.

-Cool.

So anything you need to know... Ask him!

What?

Bloody hell! Cheers. Welcome aboard.

Hello, everybody, for those of you that don't know me, I'm Vicky

and we're going to be starting in the next five minutes, OK?

I'm sure she's pregnant.

She's definitely got bigger since we started coming to Parentcraft.

I love the way she's always got the full slap on.

I dare you to ask her.

No way, she might just be gettin' fatter.

Oh, I read your blog this week, by the way, it was great.

Yeah, it was really good.

Oh, thanks. It's true though.

Any other suggestions for the No list, just post a comment.

-I will.

-You can put anything you like.

Well, I just feel like my whole body's been taken over by an alien.

I can't visualise a baby in there, honestly.

Even when they showed me it on the scan,

it looked like a cross between Casper the Ghost and ET.

I just think I'm going to be a really bad mum.

Don't be daft, I bet there's loads of other women

-who feel exactly the same.

-Definitely.

I remember thinking I could never love another baby like I loved Kyle,

and then when Katie was born, it just happened,

it was all there in a second.

But what if it doesn't happen?

What if I don't love my baby?

Did you want to have a baby?

I mean, were you trying?

Not really, no.

I'd just come out of a relationship when me and Dev got together...

Was it an arranged marriage?

No. Well, sort of...

Our families knew each other and I'd always liked him,

but I just didn't think about him like that.

Then he sort of grew on me...

and I got pregnant on our honeymoon.

-That's nice.

-So it was a bit of a shock?

Yeah, and I couldn't work cos I had chronic morning sickness,

so I had to pack it in and... I really loved that job.

What did you do?

I was just a receptionist at a law practice, but I loved it,

we used to have a right laugh.

Listen, you can always go back as soon as you've had the baby.

Dev and his family don't want me to.

Well, I have to say, child care costs a fortune.

All I think about all day long is how happy I was

before I got pregnant and will I go to the toilet properly again?

-Are you on iron tablets?

-Yeah, cos me blood count was down.

I swear to God, it's been seven months since I had a proper poo.

I've had laxatives, suppositories, you name it.

Next up's colonic irrigation.

It's just the chronic wind and indigestion that gets me,

keep wondering which end it's going to come out of.

And you can't just let rip when you're with someone new.

And I don't know about you, but the hair,

it's just sprouting everywhere. Proper thick, dark, look-at-me hair.

I swear to God I had some growing out of my ear

and it killed when I plucked it.

I promise that will all vanish as soon as the baby comes.

Simon's nice, by the way.

Very handsome. And he smells of paint.

Oh, it's all right, paint don't bother me. Quite like it.

I've got Dev's trainers on cos none of my shoes fit any more,

my feet have gone up two sizes.

Can't believe what's happening to me and every day,

I wake up and it's something different.

Scary.

-That schoolgirl got in touch again.

-Really?

-That's brilliant.

Yeah. She read my blog and posted a comment.

What did she say?

Just that she doesn't know how many months she is.

She only had two periods and then it stopped.

There must have been some lad involved.

We haven't got as far as that. I don't want to frighten her off.

I told her about this class and said it was free and that it was tonight.

Yeah, but would you know her?

I've no idea what she looks like, I don't even know her name.

NEWS REPORT ON TV

-Have you seen me keys?

-No.

You sure?

Oh, what you eating pizza for? You've just had your tea.

Rosie! Where are they?

Oh, great.

You know you'll end up lookin' like your Auntie Christine.

She can't even go to t'shops now.

You know she's got one of them mobility scooters,

-so she'll get even fatter?

-Sorry.

Well, don't buy any more of 'em!

Look - get some of them diet cracker things that your mam used

to like next time you go to t'shops, yeah?

I'll see you later. I'll ring you.

NEWS REPORT CONTINUES ON TV

WOMAN SCREAMING IN PAIN

I want you to push really hard with this contraction. Are you ready?

WOMAN SCREAMS

SHE WHIMPERS

It's Diane Manning's mum.

-Hiya.

-Her notes. Where is she?

-She's just being examined now.

-Where's the kids?

The kids are just in the family room just through there,

-they're just through there.

-OK.

-All right, thanks a lot, I'm just going to give these to 'em.

-OK.

Basically, the more you keep moving, the better it is.

Try and stay upright as much as you can standing

or walking cos gravity makes baby move down and shortens your labour.

And when's the best time to have an epidural?

Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Oh, yeah, wouldn't that be nice?

No, when you're established in labour

and you're 4cm or more dilated.

But it will definitely make your labour longer.

I don't care.

-You won't be able to stand or move about.

-I'm not bothered.

I'm just no good with pain.

If you think of it not really as pain, more like intense pressure.

With all due respect, I've been through labour twice now,

and, yes, it was a long time ago and they say you forget,

but the one thing I know for a fact, is that saying labour

is like intense pressure is like calling a hurricane a light breeze.

It's pain and it bloody well hurts.

Sorry, guys.

Well, like I said, there are other things - gas and air, Diamorphine.

Sometimes even a warm bath helps.

Just so that you all know, I'll be going for the epidural.

-I knew it.

-See?

-Told you she would be.

So, would anybody like to visit the delivery suite?

Vicky, will you ring upstairs and see if they're not too busy?

Is Miss Hall here? Miss Hall?

-Rosie?

-Ow, I've got tummy ache!

-Do you know her?

-Oh, it really hurts.

-I put a message on your blog.

-Oh, my God, but you're not even...

I only did it once and I'm sorry.

Don't be silly, Rosie, what you sorry for?

I wet t'bus seat.

Right, her waters must've gone, let's get her upstairs.

I'd no idea. You're going to be all right.

When was your last period?

-Oh, it really hurts!

-Has she any notes?

No, of course she doesn't have any notes,

she's only just realised she's pregnant!

-Can Miss Hall come with me?

-Of course she can, my darling.

-It's Kim and I'm not leaving your side.

-Of course she can.

You're in the right place, darling, come on.

Nice, deep breaths. Can we get a wheelchair out here please, love?

-What's going on?

-Have you had the baby?

No, it were a false alarm.

-Braxton Hicks.

-What's that?

It means my body's getting ready for the birth.

It's not going to happen today, kids.

-Oh.

-I think that's good. Give it another couple of weeks to grow.

THEM to grow. I'm expecting twins, Mam.

-Twins?!

-Yes!

Twins? Oh, my God.

It's like the number 9 bus - you wait for ages

and then two come along at the same time.

And I'm going to have to go to a special class

and we're going to need two of everythin'.

Yeah, so stock up on nappies and essentials.

Thanks for everythin' and sorry for wasting your time.

Don't be silly, you're not wasting our time.

Honestly, we'd rather you stay in so we can keep an eye on you

with it being twins and your first time.

No, I'm fine, I'll be better off at home.

Yeah, come on. Sam, you been good?

-Is the car in the car park?

-Er, no, we got a taxi because...

Car's gone back to the loan company, Mam,

because we didn't keep up the repayments.

-What?

-Rick's been made redundant, he just forgot to tell me.

ROSIE GROANS IN PAIN

Hi, what you doing?

I thought you weren't coming.

I thought I'd gone into labour, but it was just Braxton Hicks.

-They wanted to keep me in though.

-Oh, really? Catch you later.

Oh, my God, I bet that's what I keep getting.

-I get aches everywhere, don't I?

-Yeah, all over.

-Breath spray.

-Sorry.

This is Rosie, no notes, she's unbooked.

It's comin' again. Miss Hall, don't leave me, please.

I'm not going anywhere, Rosie, I'm right here.

-Who's that?

-Her name's Rosie, she's at Kim's school.

The poor girl looks terrified.

She's the one that kept contacting her on her blog.

15andFrightened?

Yeah, I think so.

Get off me!

No, I don't want you to touch me.

I thought you might be uncomfortable, that's all.

If you just take your trackie bottoms off,

you'll feel much better, cos they're all wet.

I don't want anyone looking at me.

Do you feel like you want to push, Rosie?

They just want to help you, Rosie.

-They need to examine you to see if you're ready to...

-I'm not ready. I'm going home.

Listen to me, I know you're frightened and I know you don't

feel ready for this, but it seems like your baby is ready and...

I'm fat.

No! No, you're not fat, you're pregnant.

I'm disgusting.

Oh, you're having a baby, sweetheart.

Do you want to see my belly?

Eh! And mine.

You see? We're all in the same boat.

The only difference between you and us is you're young,

fit and healthy and we're old and decrepit.

I'll tell you summat, it's you teenagers who just get on with it.

The older they are, the more they've read and thought about things

-and the worse it is.

-Oh, cheers.

Hey, you and me both.

And midwives are the worst.

So, are you going to show us how to do it, Rosie?

Oh, I've got another one comin'.

Breathe into this tube, my darling, it's brilliant.

Honestly, all my birthing mums, they love it.

There you are, darling, nice, deep breaths, deep breaths,

breathe through the contraction, that's it, Rosie.

Deeper you breathe, the more effective it'll be.

Hey, are we going for our usual drink?

-Yeah, course.

-You're not allowed alcohol.

-We only have one.

-S'only time I get out the house.

I think we're going to give it a miss.

Yeah, we've got the kids.

Don't worry about them. I'll take 'em home and get them ready for bed.

-You go with your friends.

-We can't really afford it.

I'll give you some money.

No, it's all right, we've got some money.

Oh, listen to you, Rockefeller.

Right, Duke of York then.

I better let Kim know, I'll leave her a message.

You've already had a drink today.

Since when did you become an alcohol Nazi?

I'm just thinking about our baby.

I drank all the way through both my other pregnancies.

Yeah, but this is our baby.

Just going to go round to Duke Of York pub

so give me a call when you're out.

All right. Take care, bye.

Oh, I want my mum!

You're doing great, Rosie.

I bet your mum's watching you, I bet she's dead proud of you.

She passed away last year, breast cancer.

-Aw.

-I can't do it!

You can do it. You can do it, Rosie.

You are, you're doin' it!

Can she have an epidural?

-What's that?

-It's an injection that takes the pain away.

I don't want an injection!

It's too late, she's fully dilated. Baby's coming.

Did you hear that, Rosie? Your baby's nearly here.

Do you think it was findin' out you were having twins that

started the Braxton Hicks off?

I think it were a few things, but scan did nowt.

At least you know now though, so you can get ready for them.

It's going to be so expensive, having two babies.

Lovely though, they'll always have each other.

Can you imagine the shock if you'd have given birth

-and then found another one coming?

-Yeah, that's true.

-Cheesy chips.

-Oh, we're not supposed to have soft cheese.

-What's it going to do? Sod it.

-Smells disgusting but I'm starving, I'll have one!

I'm having this baby in a couple of weeks anyway, what's it going to do now?

Well, I'm not taking any chances, I'm sticking to these.

I've eaten nothing but crap and takeaways

since I moved in with Si, his oven doesn't even work.

Well, you look all right on it.

I just keep taking the folic acid and the iron tablets.

I tell you, there's nothing worse than living in a student flat

when you're used to living in a five bedroom detached house with

-a cleaner and a dishwasher.

-But he's worth it though, yeah?

Yeah.

So does she have two labours then?

Oh, I...I dunno.

We've got to go to, er... it's like a multiple birth class.

-I don't think she has two labours.

-No.

No, I dunno, I suppose we'll find out when we go to this class,

won't we?

I just hope they don't start showing them films again.

Yeah. Last one they showed us was like a Freddy Krueger movie,

it's put me right off.

We haven't done it since, which Jas is very happy about,

cos she's always got back pain and she can't stand t'smell of me.

I think Roanna looks even more beautiful pregnant.

She looks amazing, radiant.

And her breasts are massive.

Yeah, there is that.

I can't keep my hands off her, but I just worry about hurting

the baby, or, you know, bursting the bag of water...

-TV:

-'The man that robbed a Headingley bank...'

Nah, you don't have to worry about that, mate.

You'd have to have a 12-inch dick.

'..that if anyone knows the whereabouts of this man...'

-Well, it's nowt for me to worry about anyway.

-Yeah, me neither.

Did you have to get the old turkey baster out?

I'm not saying a thing.

Oh, yeah, what does that mean?

'..a man in his mid-to-late 30s walked into the LRB bank

'in Headingly with a pack of dynamite strapped to his body

'and threatened to blow himself and the building up unless the bank

'clerk emptied all the money she had in her till into a carrier bag.

'The man then left the building and disappeared into the town centre.

'He's described as medium built with a Yorkshire accent...'

I'm going to get going, boys.

-Rick, I said I'd give you a lift, mate.

-Rick!

Diane. Let's go.

Right then. See you later.

-You off then?

-Yeah, you got my number, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You all right?

-See you later, mate.

-See you later.

PHONE RINGS

BEEP

'Rosie, are you there?'

You should be there. Phone me.

Nearly there, Rosie, you're doing fantastic, honestly.

Right, I can see the head. It's just there.

Now, with this next contraction, Rosie, I want you to push,

right down into your bottom as hard as you can for me, OK?

What if I poo?

You won't, it just feels like that, but it doesn't matter if you do.

It's comin'!

-Right, push.

-Right, this is it!

One more.

That's it, right, now, keep going. One more, one more.

And it's a whopper.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Right, I'm going to cut the cord now, all right?

You've got a baby girl, Rosie, and she's beautiful. Look at her.

OK, do you want to give baby a cuddle? Right.

OK.

There you are. Give her a cuddle.

BABY WHIMPERS

I'm going to call her Dinah, after me mam.

# How long will I love you?

MUSIC: "How Long Will I Love You" by Ellie Goulding

# As long as stars are above you

# And longer if I can

# How long will I be with you?

HORN BEEPS

# As long as the sea is bound to

# Wash upon the sand

# How long will I want you?

# As long as you want me to

BABY'S CRYING ECHOES

# And longer by far

# How long will I hold you?

# As long as your father told you

# As long as you can

# How long will I love you?

# As long as stars are above you... #

She had a little girl.

Do you think she'll have had it yet?

I don't know.

Poor thing, she looked frightened to death.

Could you imagine if she hadn't have answered Kim's blog?

She wouldn't know what to do, would she?

Or where to go...

Sorry about the stink.

Yeah, sorry, it's just I give all the lads a lift home after we've

-closed at t'restaurant.

-It's just this one here on the left.

The one with the police car outside?

-Yeah.

-I hope everything's all right, Diane.

Right. See you later, mate. Congrats again.

Right. I'll see you later. Thanks for the lift.

Fantastic news about the twins.

-See you, mate.

-Yeah, if we can afford 'em.

Don't say that, it's not my fault.

Why are the police at our house, Rick?

I dunno.

Well, are you comin' in?

No.

What do you mean, "no"?

Rick!

Rick!

Rick, what are you doing?

Rick!

-They said he could be dangerous!

-Rick?

Yes, Rick!

You're not taking her off me.

Don't let my baby die! Please!

Tell Diane and the kids I love 'em, right?

Stop, you bastard!