Episode 1 Last Tango in Halifax


Episode 1

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INDISTINCT CHATTER

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I mean, I'd never have been able to bring him

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-somewhere like this, you see. Your dad.

-No.

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Cos he'd dribble.

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I tried to keep him neat.

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If we went to, like, the cafe in Sainsbury's,

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I'd sit with my back to the wall and him facing me.

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Well, I had to.

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It's off-putting for folk, isn't it?

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They've come out for a coffee, seeing someone like that.

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You're feeling sorry for him, aren't you?

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-No, I'm...

-Yes, well, don't.

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I looked after him, and it's more than he would have done for me.

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I told you about the pension?

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Yes.

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-No provision for me.

-No.

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He were thinking I'd go first.

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-Well, yes, but...

-But what?

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It's not like you're without, is it?

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That isn't the point!

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I was an inconvenience for 50 years.

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50 years!

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-Well, he's dead now, so...

-You never liked him.

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God, I make better coffee than this in the microwave.

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God, these glasses are mucky.

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I've got a pen pal. Did William tell you?

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No.

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This fella I was at school with.

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Well, except that he was a lad then, obviously.

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I showed Gran how to put her details on Facebook.

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Well, so who is he?

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Alan, he was called.

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CHUCKLES He still is!

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Hang on, stop. Start again. You...

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-When Granddad was...

-He can talk for himself!

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When I were at school, there were this lass, this girl...

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-Who he fancied.

-Whatever.

-Keep going!

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-Well, that's it, really.

-No, it isn't.

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Put his name on Facebook, right.

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-Oh, aye! That's it.

-And there she was. Celia Dawson.

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-Nee Armitage.

-Her and Doreen Wilkinson.

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Yeah, just two of 'em out of t'whole year.

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-You're joking?

-So, we wrote to her.

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-"We"?

-Granddad were a bit nervous.

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-What for?

-Well, I were in two minds.

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So, you wrote to her, and...?

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And she wrote back.

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So, we kept it going!

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CHUCKLES

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Oh, it's all nowt.

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It's all nowt.

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We're just pen pals.

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Except it's been a trip down memory lane.

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Well, sort of, given that...

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Given that...?

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Well, you see, he was in my year but not in my form.

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Gran was in the A stream.

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And if he's who I think he is, then not everything he says adds up.

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You see, I think they lived up in the wilds, somewhere up Stainland.

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She lived in t'next street.

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Only he talks like he lived in the next street.

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And if he did, well...

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...I'm beggared if I can place him.

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Well, I were amazed when she wrote back.

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I didn't think I were t'sort

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-someone like her would remember.

-Why?

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What sort's she?

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-Glamorous.

-Oh, aye?

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She always seemed...a bit better spoken than the rest, and I...

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I were on t'shy side and gormless.

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So, where is she now?

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Harrogate. She's got a little flat at her daughter's house.

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-Last time he saw her was in 1953.

-Really?!

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Yeah, her dad got a job down in Sheffield and that were it - off they went.

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-He was heartbroken.

-Did she know you had a...

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thing about her?

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Oh, she'd not look at me twice.

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I've told him. He wants to invite himself over.

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-Yeah!

-Why not? Say you're passing.

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Say... you're in Harrogate anyway and would she like to meet up for a cup of tea?

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MUSIC BLARES ON CAR STEREO

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-Your Uncle Robbie's here, Raff.

-Yes!

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Half an hour early.

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Want you back by five.

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No way!

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Told you this last time. I made it clear.

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Mum, it doesn't finish while five. How are we gonna get back here by five?

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-Hiya, Robbie.

-Raff.

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I want him back by five.

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-DISINTERESTEDLY Right.

-No, not "right",

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like you're just saying it to shut me up.

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"Right!", like you're heard what I've said and it's sunk in.

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Right.

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-He's got homework.

-I've done it!

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When?!

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-I'll ring yer.

-ENGINE STARTS

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MUSIC BLARES

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#...Run for your lives... #

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Bastard.

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Why don't you ask him for a photo if you can't picture him?

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-She's got one. He sent one.

-On the e-mail.

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Only I'm none the wiser, as folk change so much, don't they?

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Especially men.

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That's John's car.

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LOCKING SYSTEM BEEPS

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DOOR OPENS

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Dad's here.

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-Hi.

-Hello.

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-I let myself in.

-So I see.

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Hi, Will.

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I'm off upstairs.

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Didn't know you had a key.

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Do you want it back?

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Either way.

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How's your mother?

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-Fine.

-Good.

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Why are you here?

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-Do you want to give us a few minutes?

-Sure.

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SHE SIGHS

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Um...I'm tempted to say it's a long story, but it isn't really.

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In fact, it's pretty straightforward.

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Turns out...

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Judith's a bit of an alcoholic.

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I knew she had a significant relationship with the stuff,

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I knew she liked a drink, but, um,

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yeah...

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didn't realise the extent of it.

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-Has she tried to get help?

-Oh, yeah. More than once.

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I don't think it's something that'll sort itself out overnight.

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Well, if ever, in fact, so...

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Yeah.

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So, how does this involve me?

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I've made a terrible mistake, Caroline.

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Oh, I see.

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You want to come back?

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What do you think?

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-I don't know.

-I was dazzled.

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It's pathetic, isn't it?

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Even more so when you see what a ridiculous empty-headed mess she...

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Sorry. You don't want to hear this.

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That's so selfish!

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Out of necessity, I suppose.

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You can't imagine it until you've...

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Sorry.

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I suppose I never have.

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Seen it before, up close.

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The real McCoy.

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And it's only now I realise...

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how much of a fool I've made of myself.

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And to have thrown away all this here with you and the boys.

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And for what?

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It's appalling.

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It's abysmal, it's unthinkable.

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SHEEP BLEAT

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CLEARS THROAT

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"Dear Celia."

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COCK CROWS

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"I am planning a trip up to Skipton next week.

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"Possibly Monday."

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EXHALES DEEPLY

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"If you fancied meeting up for a coffee,

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"it would be a wonderful opportunity to...

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"Would you fancy meeting up for a coffee?

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"...a cup of coffee?

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"I appreciate that you probably have much more interesting things to do...

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"...that you may already have your week planned...

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"...but if you did happen to be available...

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"...free...

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"...it would be very nice to see you."

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"With very best wishes...

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"Best wishes, Alan."

0:10:120:10:15

PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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Alan, it's Robbie.

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Lad's come off his bike. Is Gillian there?

0:10:380:10:41

-Er, no, no. She's...

-Ambulance is here.

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They're taking him to t'Princess Royal.

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Shall I see you there, then, or what?

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Yeah, but what's he done?

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I dunno. He's...

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Well, he's conscious now, anyway, so...

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Yeah, well, see you there. Ta.

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Gillian!

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-Where is he?

-He's in wi' t'doctor.

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Well, congratulations, Robbie. Finally got what you wanted.

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-What are you talking about?

-Oh, you know.

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-This is what I wanted, him flat on his back in an ambulance?

-You love

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that every Saturday I go through hell worrying about him getting hurt.

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I know you've got a screw loose, Gillian, so I won't push it,

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-but you'd better apologise for that.

-Oh, yeah, that's happening!

-Come on, calm down.

0:11:400:11:43

I go biking with Raff because he loves it.

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I love it. Eddie loved it. It's in us blood. So, don't you come and accuse me...

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Yeah, and if you hadn't raked up all that bloody trouble

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-when Eddie died, nobody'd have reason to think you took any satisfaction!

-No, don't.

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-You're lucky I let you have 'owt to do with him.

-Yeah?

0:11:550:11:57

Well, you're lucky that you've not had him taken off yer.

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Raff, lad!

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Oh, God, you had me worried!

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Oh, they fussed, Mother.

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I said, I don't need an ambulance, I don't need an X-ray,

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I'm made like rubber, but... nobody were listening.

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DOOR OPENS

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Hello.

0:12:260:12:27

John's gone.

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He's gone to fetch some of his things. He's moving back in.

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-Right.

-I've told him he'll have to sleep in another room.

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It seems very easy for him after all that he's done.

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It turns out she's an alcoholic.

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And he's just discovered this?

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After goodness knows how many months?

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He knew she had a problem - he didn't know the extent of it.

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He wants to meet me in Skipton for a cup of coffee.

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Oh, your, um...

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-Alan.

-Are you going?

0:13:070:13:10

No.

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D'you think I'm making a mistake?

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Doesn't matter what I think, love.

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DOOR OPENS

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DOOR CLOSES

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SHE SIGHS

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"Dear Alan.

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"Sadly...

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"Unfortunately...

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"I would be delighted to meet you in Skipton on Monday."

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I'll put the kettle on.

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Just you pause there a second, lad.

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If you jack this in - properly, once and for all -

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I'll buy you a car when you pass your test.

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Why?

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Because that's how much your mum can't stand it.

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She lost your dad.

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She doesn't want to lose you.

0:14:580:15:00

Hi, Lawrence. Give us a hand.

0:15:260:15:28

INDISTINCT SPEECH

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Yeah, right!

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SHEEP BLEAT

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INDISTINCT SPEECH

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KEYS CLACK

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Um, do you...really want me to sleep in the spare room?

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Just so I know where to put my stuff. Um...

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I've got the Independent Schools Inspectorate coming in this week and...

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Just don't push it, all right?

0:17:090:17:11

DOOR CLOSES

0:17:160:17:17

-TV:

-...kicking off to number 36 in the pop charts...

0:17:590:18:03

-What did you say to Raffy?

-Hm?

0:18:030:18:06

-About buying him a car?

-Oh...

0:18:080:18:10

He does his own thing, Dad.

0:18:120:18:14

If he wants to be friends with Robbie, fine. I hate him.

0:18:160:18:19

Dozy pillock.

0:18:200:18:22

But...

0:18:230:18:24

...he's Eddie's brother.

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And Raff has to make up his own mind about folk.

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I asked him not to tell you.

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Yeah, I appreciate that. I appreciate you interfering.

0:18:320:18:36

I love it when you interfere!

0:18:360:18:38

But I'm not stopping him doing stuff he likes doing.

0:18:380:18:41

He has to outgrow things...naturally, and then he won't resent people.

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Me.

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I'm meeting her.

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-In Skipton on Monday.

-Are you?

0:18:540:18:56

Mm.

0:18:570:18:59

-Are you?!

-Mm.

0:18:590:19:00

-Well, if she turns up.

-Why wouldn't she?

0:19:000:19:03

Well, I dunno.

0:19:030:19:05

I don't know that I'll have enough to say to her,

0:19:050:19:07

enough to keep a conversation going.

0:19:070:19:10

-Perhaps I should find an excuse.

-What for?

0:19:120:19:15

I did ask her out once.

0:19:180:19:20

-Did you?

-CHUCKLES

0:19:200:19:22

So?

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Oh, she never turned up.

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I stood there nearly two hours, then after,

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I found out that's when she'd gone to Sheffield.

0:19:300:19:34

-That same day.

-You're kidding?

0:19:340:19:35

She's probably forgotten.

0:19:350:19:37

That were a rotten trick.

0:19:380:19:41

Well, it might not have been. She might just have forgotten.

0:19:410:19:45

If they were flitting, she'd have had a lot on her mind, and, er...

0:19:450:19:48

well, you know, we were only kids, teenagers, so...

0:19:480:19:53

-Aw, Dad.

-CHUCKLES

0:19:530:19:56

Well, you don't have to go.

0:19:560:19:58

Oh, I can't pull out now.

0:19:580:20:00

-And it were 60 years ago.

-So what?

0:20:030:20:06

I thought the sun shone out of her.

0:20:080:20:10

I can still feel that feeling I felt when I looked at her.

0:20:120:20:16

You've been married to me mother for 50 years since then.

0:20:160:20:18

Oh, I know. I...

0:20:190:20:21

I loved your mum.

0:20:230:20:24

We were...

0:20:260:20:28

...pals.

0:20:290:20:30

But Celia...

0:20:320:20:33

It were more like...

0:20:350:20:36

I dunno.

0:20:370:20:39

Now Heaven walks on Earth.

0:20:400:20:44

Is that a line from something?

0:20:460:20:48

-Probably.

-Oh.

0:20:480:20:50

It will be.

0:20:500:20:51

Shakespeare.

0:20:510:20:52

One of that crowd. Yeah.

0:20:540:20:56

CHILDREN SING HYMN

0:21:460:21:49

# ...and closer cling

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-# To our Lord, and to his altar... #

-Morning.

0:21:530:21:58

# ...There ourselves an offering bring

0:21:580:22:03

# Serving thee, our heavenly Father

0:22:030:22:09

# From the dawn to set of sun

0:22:090:22:13

# Serving thee in life's young morning

0:22:130:22:18

# Till our work on Earth is done... #

0:22:180:22:23

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

0:22:230:22:25

Morning. CHILDREN: Good morning.

0:22:250:22:27

Oh, sod it.

0:23:070:23:09

ENGINE STOPS

0:23:110:23:13

-There's your tea.

-Thank you.

0:23:340:23:36

-And your change.

-Oh, thank you very much.

0:23:360:23:39

BELL TINKLES LIGHTLY

0:24:250:24:27

Alan?

0:24:290:24:30

Celia.

0:24:340:24:35

How are you?

0:24:350:24:36

Oh, I'm...not so bad.

0:24:360:24:39

Er...how are you?

0:24:390:24:41

-Oh, I'm all right.

-Good.

0:24:410:24:42

Good, good.

0:24:420:24:44

Oh, that's, er...

0:24:440:24:46

Oh, I know who you are now.

0:24:460:24:48

Sorry?

0:24:480:24:49

Penny dropped as soon as I saw you.

0:24:490:24:52

You didn't know who I was?

0:24:520:24:55

-I didn't for long enough.

-I sent you a photograph.

0:24:550:24:57

Even with the photograph, I was thinking you were that other Alan, up at Stainland.

0:24:570:25:01

-Alan...Robertshaw?

-Robertshaw!

0:25:010:25:04

With spindly legs? SHE LAUGHS

0:25:040:25:07

-Had he?

-Spaghetti Legs, my dad called him.

0:25:070:25:11

I don't remember his legs.

0:25:110:25:12

Now, you lived in the next street.

0:25:120:25:15

I didn't realise there was a...confusion.

0:25:150:25:18

-Are you disappointed?

-No!

0:25:200:25:23

How was your journey?

0:25:230:25:26

Oh, it was fine, thank you.

0:25:260:25:28

Only, um...

0:25:280:25:29

What can I get you?

0:25:300:25:33

Oh, she'll come over. Only what?

0:25:330:25:35

Well, I didn't, um... get a-a ticket for the...

0:25:350:25:39

-Oh!

-...for the car park.

0:25:390:25:41

-I didn't have the right change.

-Do you want to go back?

0:25:410:25:43

No, let me get you something first.

0:25:430:25:45

Then I'll...

0:25:450:25:48

Isn't it odd?

0:25:480:25:49

Things you remember and things you don't.

0:25:490:25:53

Yes, always.

0:25:530:25:55

Didn't you ask me out once?

0:25:550:25:58

Did I?

0:25:580:26:00

Mm, you probably don't remember.

0:26:000:26:02

Um...

0:26:020:26:03

You did.

0:26:030:26:04

-Oh!

-Yeah, that's right.

0:26:060:26:08

Then I couldn't come.

0:26:080:26:10

Because it was when we were moving to Sheffield.

0:26:100:26:13

-Oh.

-Yeah.

0:26:130:26:15

And we went a day early.

0:26:150:26:17

I can't remember why now.

0:26:170:26:19

It'll be my mother not being organised.

0:26:190:26:21

You go and get your ticket.

0:26:220:26:23

Can I have a latte, please?

0:26:250:26:27

D'you know, it's ringing a bell.

0:26:270:26:29

-Now you've said it.

-Good.

0:26:290:26:31

But you got my note.

0:26:310:26:34

Did I?

0:26:340:26:36

-Yeah.

-What note?

0:26:360:26:37

I sent you a note to say I couldn't come.

0:26:370:26:40

I gave it to Eileen Pickford to give to you.

0:26:400:26:42

-Eileen?

-Yeah.

0:26:420:26:45

To say I was sorry I was letting you down, but...

0:26:450:26:49

this was my new address in Sheffield so you could write to me.

0:26:490:26:53

Did you?!

0:26:550:26:56

Oh, don't tell me you didn't get it?

0:26:560:26:59

-You didn't?

-No!

0:26:590:27:01

Oh!

0:27:010:27:02

Well, it's a good job you'd forgotten.

0:27:020:27:05

Cos otherwise you'd have spent the last 60 years thinking I'd stood you up!

0:27:050:27:09

You go and get your ticket.

0:27:130:27:15

OK.

0:27:150:27:17

Kate...

0:27:490:27:50

Kate.

0:27:500:27:51

Have you got five minutes?

0:27:510:27:53

Just take a...

0:28:040:28:06

Sit down.

0:28:080:28:10

Very formal.

0:28:110:28:12

John turned up on Saturday. He...

0:28:160:28:19

He wants to move back in, so...

0:28:200:28:22

...so I said yes.

0:28:240:28:26

For the boys' sake.

0:28:260:28:28

When you say move back in, does that mean...?

0:28:280:28:30

I don't know what it means, exactly.

0:28:310:28:35

Yet.

0:28:350:28:36

I'm amazed.

0:28:360:28:37

After everything he's done.

0:28:390:28:40

After everything you've said.

0:28:420:28:43

It's mainly for the boys.

0:28:430:28:46

God knows we see enough of it here,

0:28:460:28:48

parents who put their children anywhere except first.

0:28:480:28:50

They think they do until it comes to their own convenience and...

0:28:500:28:53

ha...

0:28:530:28:55

Happiness.

0:28:550:28:57

-I don't wanna be like that.

-He doesn't put them first.

0:28:570:29:00

Yes, well, perhaps all the more reason why I should.

0:29:000:29:03

Look...

0:29:030:29:05

I'm very...

0:29:050:29:06

...fond...

0:29:090:29:11

of you.

0:29:110:29:13

You know that. I just...

0:29:130:29:15

...don't think I can do this any more.

0:29:170:29:20

Obviously we can be friends.

0:29:200:29:23

But, um...

0:29:240:29:25

...the other thing, it...

0:29:270:29:29

it's not me.

0:29:290:29:30

I mean, it's not not me, I'm just not, you know...

0:29:320:29:35

...ready...

0:29:350:29:37

to go there.

0:29:370:29:39

BELL RINGS

0:29:450:29:47

I've got 9F.

0:29:480:29:49

Bad luck!

0:29:490:29:51

Sorry.

0:29:510:29:52

I am sorry.

0:29:530:29:55

DOOR OPENS

0:30:020:30:04

DOOR CLOSES

0:30:050:30:06

Oh, God.

0:30:390:30:42

EXHALES HEAVILY

0:30:420:30:44

BREATHES HEAVILY

0:30:450:30:46

Oh, no, no, no, no. Keep calm.

0:30:460:30:48

LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS OVER PA

0:30:560:30:59

Can I have a packet of 20, please?

0:31:070:31:10

How old are you?

0:31:100:31:11

You know how old I am. You asked me that t'other night.

0:31:130:31:15

Right, can I see your ID?

0:31:170:31:19

HE COUGHS

0:31:220:31:24

Thank you.

0:31:310:31:33

SUCKS TEETH

0:31:340:31:36

-You going up to t'White Horse again Friday night?

-This Friday?

0:31:400:31:44

No. Probably not.

0:31:440:31:45

-Why not?

-Stuff to do.

0:31:450:31:47

Have you 'eck.

0:31:470:31:48

That's a shame, cos I thought I might buy you a few beers.

0:31:490:31:52

Again.

0:31:520:31:54

That's £6.30.

0:31:560:31:58

Oh...

0:32:020:32:04

I'll be there anyway.

0:32:040:32:06

If you're feeling...lonely.

0:32:060:32:09

Right.

0:32:100:32:11

Mind how you go.

0:32:130:32:15

SUCKS TEETH Ooh!

0:32:170:32:19

HE LAUGHS

0:32:220:32:24

Is that what you thought?

0:32:340:32:37

-Sorry?

-That I'd stood you up.

0:32:370:32:40

-Well, um...

-You must have done.

0:32:400:32:41

-Well, I suppose I might have.

-You did!

0:32:410:32:44

Y... Well...

0:32:440:32:45

Oh, how embarrassing.

0:32:450:32:46

-How sad.

-No, look, it's water under t'bridge.

0:32:460:32:50

-I think my car's...

-I really hoped you'd write.

0:32:500:32:53

-Did you?

-Yes.

0:32:540:32:56

I waited for a letter.

0:32:560:32:58

Never occurred to me she wouldn't give it to you.

0:32:580:33:02

-'Appen she were jealous.

-'Appen she forgot.

0:33:020:33:04

Well... And I probably just assumed

0:33:040:33:06

you just didn't have time to bother writing.

0:33:060:33:08

No, no! No, Celia. I'd have written if I'd got it.

0:33:080:33:12

Well, that's the last time I'll ask Eileen Pickford to do anything for me.

0:33:120:33:16

-She's dead.

-Is she? Well, that'll teach her.

0:33:170:33:20

D'you know, it's all come back to me just now, just seeing your face.

0:33:210:33:25

I married her.

0:33:250:33:26

Eileen.

0:33:280:33:29

She were Gillian's mother.

0:33:300:33:32

-Oh, good Lord.

-Aye.

0:33:320:33:35

Well, she was a nice lass.

0:33:380:33:40

I think my car's been stolen.

0:33:470:33:50

What?

0:33:510:33:52

Yeah, it's a blue Vauxhall Astra.

0:33:530:33:56

Sure, yeah.

0:33:570:33:59

I can't say mine was a happy marriage, cos it wasn't.

0:34:000:34:04

I don't say that to everyone.

0:34:040:34:06

He wasn't the most faithful of husbands, shall we say?

0:34:070:34:11

Not just once, either.

0:34:120:34:13

There was a whole string of them, a whole stream of them.

0:34:130:34:17

What's the collective noun for women who aren't very fussy?

0:34:180:34:21

HE CHUCKLES

0:34:210:34:23

Sorry, that too much information?

0:34:230:34:26

No.

0:34:260:34:27

See, Caroline says it takes two people to make a marriage go wrong.

0:34:280:34:33

I don't believe that.

0:34:330:34:34

She probably gets sick of me going on about it.

0:34:340:34:37

Well, she does.

0:34:370:34:39

She says he's dead, get over it.

0:34:390:34:41

Well, not in so many words, but that's what it amounts to.

0:34:410:34:45

I'm sorry.

0:34:450:34:46

Tell me about Eileen.

0:34:470:34:49

Oh, we were very happy.

0:34:490:34:51

Happy enough. Very...steady.

0:34:510:34:54

Then she developed Alzheimer's.

0:34:550:34:57

She didn't know me at t'finish.

0:34:590:35:01

Fancy her not giving you my letter.

0:35:040:35:06

-She must have liked you.

-DOOR OPENS

0:35:080:35:10

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:35:100:35:11

So, I've processed your information, Mr Buttershaw, concerning your vehicle.

0:35:110:35:15

How are you fixed for getting home?

0:35:150:35:17

-Oh...

-Oh, I...

0:35:180:35:21

In broad daylight?

0:35:210:35:23

In Skipton?

0:35:230:35:24

You're joking.

0:35:240:35:26

So, I were, er, wondering if you could come and pick me up?

0:35:260:35:30

Not straightaway necessarily.

0:35:300:35:32

-Well, yeah...

-Thank you.

0:35:320:35:33

I don't know why you won't let me drive you.

0:35:330:35:35

-You been to the police?

-Yeah, well, it's a long way,

0:35:350:35:38

and then you'd only have to drive back to Harrogate.

0:35:380:35:40

Er, yes, course we've been t'police.

0:35:400:35:42

It's only 40 miles or so, isn't it?

0:35:420:35:44

-And have you got your pills with you?

-Yes. Yes, yes.

0:35:440:35:46

Um, and have you some cash on you?

0:35:460:35:49

Er, yes, I'm OK there.

0:35:490:35:50

So, you're basically all right?

0:35:500:35:52

Well, it were a bit of a shock. And, er...

0:35:520:35:54

they're not optimistic about getting it back.

0:35:540:35:57

Not all in one piece, anyway!

0:35:570:35:59

Right.

0:35:590:36:00

Well, I'll set off as soon as I can after four, OK?

0:36:000:36:03

OK.

0:36:030:36:04

Dad...

0:36:040:36:06

-Dad, I'm gonna have to go.

-Oh, OK.

0:36:060:36:08

-Ta-ta, love.

-Right, keep in touch.

0:36:080:36:10

Yeah, ta-ta.

0:36:100:36:11

HE SIGHS

0:36:110:36:13

Well, she doesn't get off till, er...four,

0:36:130:36:16

otherwise she'd be straight over.

0:36:160:36:19

I'm not a bad driver, if that's what you're thinking.

0:36:190:36:22

We could pop down to Elland, we could... look up a few of our old haunts.

0:36:230:36:28

Gillian were heartbroken when her Eddie died.

0:36:300:36:33

All over t'place.

0:36:330:36:34

A farm to run.

0:36:340:36:36

Never enough money. That's why she works at t'supermarket.

0:36:360:36:41

That's why I moved in - she was struggling.

0:36:410:36:44

I've still got my little house.

0:36:440:36:46

-Oh, have you?

-Mm.

0:36:460:36:48

Up Barkisland. A lovely view.

0:36:480:36:51

I rent it out. Which suits me. I...I didn't like it on me own.

0:36:520:36:55

Oh, I'm used to it.

0:36:550:36:58

I've felt like I've been on me own for the past 40 years.

0:36:580:37:02

I'm sorry you've been so unhappy.

0:37:020:37:05

-CHUCKLES

-It isn't your fault.

0:37:050:37:08

Well, it's not what you deserve.

0:37:080:37:10

My memory of you is smiling.

0:37:100:37:13

Lovely big smile.

0:37:130:37:16

You were radiant.

0:37:160:37:18

Oh!

0:37:180:37:19

It's a long time since anyone's called me that!

0:37:190:37:23

You still are.

0:37:230:37:25

That's... It is!

0:37:300:37:32

That's...that's my car!

0:37:320:37:33

-You're joking?!

-I'm not!

0:37:330:37:35

I'm not! That's my registration plate! TYRES SCREECH

0:37:350:37:38

Right...

0:37:380:37:39

-What are you doing?

-You get on the phone to the police

0:37:390:37:42

-and I'll put me foot down.

-Well, w-what shall I ring?

0:37:420:37:45

-999?

-Yes, if you like.

0:37:450:37:47

That's emergency.

0:37:470:37:48

-Well, this is an emergency.

-HORN TOOTS

0:37:480:37:50

Oh, shut up!

0:37:500:37:51

-What?

-No, not you. Oh, God!

0:37:510:37:54

Where's reverse when you bloody well need it?

0:37:540:37:56

-HORN BLARES

-Oh...

0:37:560:37:59

HE GROANS

0:38:040:38:06

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

0:38:060:38:08

Oh, h-h-hello. Yes, er, police, please.

0:38:080:38:12

I just have a heart condition.

0:38:120:38:14

-Buttershaw, Alan.

-Have you?

0:38:140:38:17

Far Slack Farm, Ripponden.

0:38:170:38:20

West Yorkshire. HX5 7LD.

0:38:200:38:24

I'm supposed to avoid excitement.

0:38:240:38:26

Er, yeah, my car's just been stolen, I've just reported it.

0:38:270:38:31

But now we've just spotted it and now we're just following it.

0:38:310:38:35

At speed.

0:38:350:38:37

We're... Where are we?

0:38:380:38:40

We're on the B437, heading back to Skipton.

0:38:400:38:43

We're on the B437, heading back to Skipton.

0:38:430:38:47

Er, it's a blue Vauxhall Astra.

0:38:470:38:51

Yes, yes, we're right behind 'em.

0:38:520:38:55

What's this road? Well, it's wiggly, anyway. It's by t'canal.

0:38:550:39:00

Now we're going over a little bridge.

0:39:010:39:03

Oh.

0:39:030:39:05

TYRES SCREECH

0:39:060:39:08

-Hang onto your hat.

-I am doing!

0:39:120:39:16

Oh, heck!

0:39:230:39:24

Oh...

0:39:250:39:27

Careful!

0:39:300:39:32

HORN BLARES

0:39:320:39:33

Oh!

0:39:330:39:34

Not-not-not sure where we are now. TYRES SCREECH

0:39:370:39:40

Yeah, Albert Street.

0:39:400:39:41

Well, w... In fact, we've just left Albert Street. We're now in...

0:39:410:39:45

Well, I dunno, summat else.

0:39:450:39:47

HORN BLARES TYRES SCREECH

0:39:480:39:51

-Oh, my...

-...God!

0:39:510:39:52

-Oh!

-Oh.

0:39:520:39:54

ALAN STUTTERS

0:39:560:39:58

W-What?

0:39:580:39:59

-Are we all right?

-Yeah, are you all right?

0:39:590:40:02

-Yes.

-Oh, God.

0:40:020:40:04

I'm so sorry. I...

0:40:040:40:07

Oh, my God!

0:40:070:40:09

-Oh!

-SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

0:40:100:40:12

-I'm so sorry.

-Oh.

0:40:120:40:14

No, I'm sorry. You've...

0:40:140:40:15

Yeah, a silver A-class.

0:40:190:40:21

Yeah...

0:40:230:40:24

It was 20 years ago first time it happened.

0:40:240:40:26

I had to take early retirement.

0:40:260:40:28

Then I had a funny do ten years after that.

0:40:280:40:32

On holiday. I should be dead, really! CHUCKLES

0:40:320:40:36

Good heavens.

0:40:360:40:37

Still, we've had an adventure!

0:40:370:40:39

I wonder what would have happened...

0:40:410:40:43

if Eileen had given you that letter.

0:40:430:40:46

-We'll never know.

-Well, we could speculate.

0:40:460:40:50

I'd certainly have written.

0:40:500:40:52

There's very little doubt about that.

0:40:520:40:54

What would you have put?

0:40:540:40:56

Er, "Dear Celia," I'd have put, "thank you for sending me your address."

0:40:560:41:01

And then what?

0:41:020:41:04

I've no idea.

0:41:040:41:06

-SHE LAUGHS

-We wouldn't have got very far, then, would we?

0:41:060:41:10

"I am sorry that you were unable to turn up.

0:41:100:41:14

"At least, however, I weren't left standing there for two hours

0:41:140:41:17

"on t'bridge outside t'church in t'snow,

0:41:170:41:21

"as I might have been had you not written."

0:41:210:41:24

You weren't?

0:41:240:41:25

Well, not the snow bit, obviously, it were July, but, er...

0:41:250:41:29

I thought you said you couldn't remember it.

0:41:290:41:31

Yeah, well...

0:41:310:41:33

...I lied.

0:41:340:41:35

I remember it like it were yesterday.

0:41:360:41:39

I were gutted.

0:41:400:41:42

Oh, Alan.

0:41:430:41:45

And there was me in Sheffield thinking you didn't want to write to me.

0:41:470:41:51

Ah, but you didn't feel t'same way about me as I felt about you.

0:41:510:41:55

How do you know I didn't?

0:41:550:41:57

Cor...! I'd been waiting for you to ask me out for months.

0:41:570:42:00

Years.

0:42:000:42:02

Two hours ago, you thought I was someone with spindly legs

0:42:040:42:08

from up Stainland.

0:42:080:42:09

I knew damn well who you were the first time you wrote.

0:42:090:42:12

I was pretending.

0:42:120:42:14

Pretending to myself.

0:42:140:42:16

-Why?!

-Because...

0:42:160:42:18

I did like you, a lot.

0:42:180:42:21

But I was never sure how you really felt about me,

0:42:210:42:24

not when you didn't write, and...

0:42:240:42:26

Oh, well, I can say it now because it was 200 years ago and...

0:42:270:42:32

because I'm shameless and...

0:42:320:42:34

...if I don't say it now, I never will.

0:42:360:42:39

I was in love with you.

0:42:430:42:45

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:42:490:42:50

Right! Statements. Who wants to go first?

0:42:500:42:54

Mrs Buttershaw?

0:42:550:42:57

We're not married.

0:42:590:43:00

CHILDREN CHATTER EXCITEDLY

0:43:050:43:07

CAR DOOR OPENS

0:43:180:43:20

-Got your text.

-Yeah, I got yours.

0:43:200:43:23

You're not jacking it in. It's like I told you...

0:43:230:43:25

Get in.

0:43:250:43:26

You've gotta get straight back on.

0:43:270:43:29

That's what your dad would've said. That's what your dad would've done.

0:43:290:43:32

-It upsets me mum too much.

-You can't live your life not doing stuff

0:43:320:43:35

-just because your...

-But it shook me up as well.

-You're just saying that.

0:43:350:43:38

This is about Gillian not wanting you to have 'owt to do wi' me.

0:43:380:43:40

No, it isn't.

0:43:420:43:43

I'm gonna tell you summat now, Raff, about your mother,

0:43:440:43:47

about why she don't like you and me bothering wi' each other.

0:43:470:43:50

When our Eddie...

0:43:500:43:51

When your dad died,

0:43:520:43:54

you know what happened?

0:43:540:43:55

Yeah. Ish.

0:43:570:43:59

Wasn't an accident. This is my personal theory.

0:44:000:44:03

-You know what happened, right?

-Yeah.

0:44:030:44:05

-Death by misadventure.

-Yeah.

-Bollocks.

0:44:050:44:07

She killed him.

0:44:080:44:09

SHEEP BLEAT

0:44:140:44:17

HORN TOOTS

0:44:220:44:24

-DOOR SHUTS

-Make yourself some tea, love.

0:44:390:44:42

There's plenty of stuff in t'fridge.

0:44:420:44:44

I've got to go to...

0:44:440:44:46

Skipton.

0:44:460:44:47

Grandad's car's been stolen.

0:44:480:44:51

-Tell me about when me dad died.

-What, now?

0:44:520:44:55

Well...you know. I...I've told you.

0:44:580:45:01

Not everything.

0:45:010:45:02

Robbie turned up outside the school gates this aft'.

0:45:020:45:05

Robbie?

0:45:050:45:07

-He said summat...weird.

-Robbie's a mad bastard.

0:45:080:45:12

D'you know what he thinks?

0:45:140:45:15

Yeah, course I know. He tried to have me arrested.

0:45:150:45:18

Like I hadn't enough to cope with at the time.

0:45:180:45:20

Look, if you wanna talk about this now, fine.

0:45:210:45:25

But you're gonna have to come with me.

0:45:250:45:28

Ooh, it's hopeless. You can never get hold of her at school.

0:45:330:45:36

She's always got it switched off.

0:45:360:45:38

-I've left a message anyway.

-Right.

0:45:380:45:41

And if I get desperate, I can always ring John.

0:45:410:45:44

Well...

0:45:460:45:47

Who'd have thought it?

0:45:470:45:49

Us here today, like this.

0:45:490:45:51

Were you really...

0:45:520:45:55

in love with me?

0:45:550:45:57

-What can I get you?

-Ooh. Um...

0:45:570:46:00

Er...

0:46:020:46:04

Oh.

0:46:040:46:05

What do you suppose a crappuccino is, Alan?

0:46:050:46:08

Isn't that an F?

0:46:080:46:11

-Is it? Where?

-On the board.

0:46:110:46:13

-Is it?

-It's frappuccino. Coffee with ice.

0:46:130:46:18

They've always to muck everything about these days, haven't they?

0:46:180:46:22

Still, if you're not taking risks, you're not living.

0:46:220:46:25

That's what our William says,

0:46:250:46:27

and he lives in his bedroom, so what does he know?

0:46:270:46:30

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, go on. I'll have one.

0:46:300:46:33

Well, following that impeccable logic, I'll have one as well.

0:46:330:46:36

Thank you.

0:46:360:46:38

-I'd forgotten you were a comedian.

-I'd forgotten you were one!

0:46:400:46:43

You knew damn well that didn't say "crappuccino"!

0:46:430:46:47

Well, people bother with you more if they think you're senile.

0:46:470:46:50

I mean, look at that policeman.

0:46:500:46:52

Well, either that or they run a mile, which can be equally entertaining.

0:46:520:46:57

Were you really in love with me?

0:46:580:47:01

Mm.

0:47:010:47:02

I used to think about you...

0:47:020:47:04

...when I was miserable with Kenneth.

0:47:050:47:07

I used to wonder what you were up to...

0:47:080:47:10

...and who you were with...

0:47:110:47:12

...and how different things might have been if I'd married a lad like you.

0:47:140:47:18

Did you think about me? When you were with Eileen?

0:47:220:47:25

Now and again.

0:47:250:47:26

See, I don't think I ever stopped thinking about you.

0:47:290:47:32

Oh...

0:47:340:47:35

We missed a trick, didn't we?

0:47:370:47:39

I can't believe Eileen didn't give me that letter.

0:47:400:47:43

CHUCKLES

0:47:430:47:45

Well, we can't change it.

0:47:450:47:47

It's...it's such a big thing not to have done.

0:47:470:47:51

She must have known.

0:47:510:47:53

Well, you've got Gillian and Raffy,

0:47:550:47:58

and I've got my lot.

0:47:580:48:00

And I don't regret that, do you?

0:48:000:48:03

-Whatever else might have happened.

-No. No! No. I-I...

0:48:030:48:07

Course not.

0:48:070:48:10

RAFF: He says it wasn't an accident.

0:48:100:48:12

He says me dad wouldn't have been that stupid.

0:48:120:48:13

Look...

0:48:130:48:15

He took risks with his biking, right enough,

0:48:150:48:17

but calculated risks, Robbie said.

0:48:170:48:19

He were big on safety on t'farm.

0:48:190:48:20

Yeah, yeah, he was,

0:48:200:48:22

when he wasn't off his head drunk.

0:48:220:48:24

-Look...

-He said you argued...

0:48:260:48:28

-all the time.

-Yeah, like thousands of others.

0:48:280:48:31

Well, he said how, days before he died,

0:48:310:48:32

you argued and told him you'd like to see him dead.

0:48:320:48:35

-Did he?

-Well, I said you loved him

0:48:350:48:36

-and he had to shut his mouth.

-Right. Well, that's... Good for you.

0:48:360:48:39

Then he said how most of what he deals with is stuff like this. Domestics.

0:48:390:48:43

-What you don't realise...

-He said that every copper knows

0:48:430:48:46

people don't kill people they couldn't give a toss about.

0:48:460:48:48

What you don't realise, Raff, about Robbie is...

0:48:480:48:51

when Eddie...

0:48:510:48:52

...when your dad died...

0:48:540:48:56

-SHE SIGHS

-Jesus!

0:48:570:48:59

WIND WHISTLES

0:49:020:49:04

...it warped him.

0:49:180:49:20

Robbie.

0:49:200:49:22

He couldn't accept it. He couldn't come to terms with it.

0:49:220:49:25

He couldn't accept...

0:49:260:49:28

it just happened.

0:49:280:49:30

He had to blame someone.

0:49:300:49:32

So...

0:49:340:49:35

...obvious choice.

0:49:360:49:37

Me.

0:49:390:49:40

He said one day he'd prove it.

0:49:470:49:49

He won't, will he?

0:49:520:49:53

No, love.

0:49:530:49:55

No.

0:49:560:49:57

HE SNIFFS

0:50:060:50:07

TV ON IN BACKGROUND

0:50:200:50:25

WILLIAM: Is that you, Ma?

0:50:350:50:37

-TV:

-...opening game, with serve...

0:50:430:50:45

Hard at it, are we?

0:50:450:50:46

I was gonna cook supper, but you might have to.

0:50:460:50:48

Right.

0:50:480:50:50

I got a B in my science test today, Ma,

0:50:500:50:52

-and then I scored a try.

-Good, well done.

0:50:520:50:54

He thinks if he lies like that he'll be able to see up

0:50:540:50:57

the girlies' skirts on the telly,

0:50:570:50:58

-because he's not very bright.

-JOHN: We've been discussing your mother.

0:50:580:51:01

-Have you?

-"Age cannot wither her,

0:51:010:51:03

"nor custom stale her infinite variety." Apparently.

0:51:030:51:06

-Ignore him. He's drunk.

-Really?

0:51:060:51:08

Mature love, Antony and Cleopatra, all that claptrap.

0:51:080:51:11

-You didn't tell me she had a fella.

-She hasn't, it's just some old...

0:51:110:51:13

someone she writes to on the e-mail.

0:51:130:51:16

-Right, well, I'm off to Skipton to pick her up.

-What?

0:51:160:51:19

-She's been trying to get hold of you.

-Oh!

0:51:190:51:21

She went to meet this Alan in Skipton and then she pranged her car.

0:51:210:51:24

Is she all right?

0:51:240:51:26

Yeah, yeah, but the car's damaged, so she needs picking up, so...

0:51:260:51:29

-I'll go.

-I'll go.

0:51:290:51:32

I'll go!

0:51:320:51:33

DOOR CLOSES

0:51:370:51:38

So...

0:51:410:51:42

...if I had written

0:51:430:51:46

and if we had kept in touch...

0:51:460:51:49

Going back to speculating.

0:51:490:51:51

Oh, well...

0:51:510:51:53

Maybe you'd have popped down to visit me.

0:51:540:51:56

More than likely.

0:51:560:51:58

Then we might have gone dancing.

0:51:580:52:00

HE LAUGHS I imagine so!

0:52:000:52:03

And then...

0:52:030:52:05

Then...

0:52:050:52:06

well...

0:52:060:52:08

...we might have...

0:52:090:52:10

started...

0:52:100:52:12

Courting?

0:52:120:52:13

Yeah.

0:52:140:52:15

Except by then, I'd have met Kenneth.

0:52:160:52:18

Would you?

0:52:180:52:20

Him with his university education and his prospects.

0:52:200:52:23

Would that have been it, then?

0:52:250:52:26

I don't know.

0:52:270:52:29

You see, I think that's what I was dazzled by - his prospects.

0:52:290:52:33

I wouldn't be now.

0:52:330:52:35

Now I know there are much more important qualities a man can have, but...then...

0:52:350:52:41

I wanted...

0:52:410:52:42

a nice house with a bit of garden

0:52:420:52:45

and a car.

0:52:450:52:47

Things my mum and dad had never had.

0:52:480:52:50

So, no.

0:52:510:52:53

I would probably have made the same mistakes.

0:52:530:52:56

I had prospects.

0:52:560:52:58

Oh, I know. I...

0:52:590:53:01

Not t'same as Kenneth, perhaps.

0:53:010:53:04

I wasn't comparing. I'm just...

0:53:040:53:06

saying...

0:53:060:53:07

And anyway, you weren't there.

0:53:090:53:12

No.

0:53:120:53:13

So...

0:53:130:53:14

But I'm here now.

0:53:160:53:18

You certainly are.

0:53:190:53:22

You told Michael bloody Dobson of all people?!

0:53:240:53:28

-That insidious little prick?

-Are you cross?

0:53:280:53:30

No, Kate, I'm delighted, I'm thrilled, I'm over the bloody moon!

0:53:300:53:33

-Look, he's...

-I've gotta go, I'm going, I'm driving.

0:53:330:53:36

Hey! Oi!

0:53:480:53:51

Sorry! Emergency.

0:53:510:53:53

Jesus!

0:53:540:53:55

LOCKING SYSTEM BEEPS

0:53:590:54:01

Dad.

0:54:020:54:03

Oh, Gillian!

0:54:030:54:05

That was the most selfish, mindless piece of driving

0:54:070:54:11

-I have ever witnessed.

-I won't be a minute, love.

0:54:110:54:13

-Then you can have it.

-You could see I'd got

0:54:130:54:15

my reversing lights on, you could see I'd already started manoeuvring.

0:54:150:54:16

Yeah, well, if you keep your hair on, I'll be less than 60 seconds.

0:54:160:54:18

-Idiot!

-Snotty bitch!

0:54:180:54:20

Are you gonna let her talk to you like that?

0:54:200:54:22

Mum, you all right?

0:54:220:54:24

Fine.

0:54:240:54:25

-This must be Alan.

-CELIA: Yes.

0:54:250:54:28

-How do you do? I'm Caroline.

-How do you do?

0:54:280:54:30

Thank you for staying with her till I got here.

0:54:300:54:32

We're gonna have to go - some braindead lowlife trailer trash

0:54:320:54:36

-stole my parking space.

-And... you've met my daughter.

0:54:360:54:39

Sorry?

0:54:390:54:40

Gillian, this is Celia...

0:54:400:54:42

...and Caroline.

0:54:440:54:46

Hello, Celia.

0:54:470:54:49

I've heard a lot about you.

0:54:490:54:51

I've met Caroline.

0:54:520:54:54

CELIA: Right.

0:54:540:54:55

Well...

0:54:560:54:58

Now, then, we've got some news for you.

0:54:590:55:02

For both of you.

0:55:020:55:04

BOTH: We're getting married.

0:55:050:55:07

-What did you say to him?

-That we kissed twice.

0:55:150:55:18

I did this stupid thing.

0:55:180:55:19

We were thinking about having a little engagement do.

0:55:190:55:23

There's something about you bending over in a field

0:55:230:55:25

-that makes me almost unable to contain meself.

-Piss off, Paul.

0:55:250:55:28

-Judith!

-I want you to come back.

0:55:280:55:31

-Hello! Are you the taxi!

-Dad!

0:55:310:55:34

We decided against an engagement ring, so instead,

0:55:340:55:38

we bought a car between us.

0:55:380:55:40

It'd be like really good, if you didn't mention this to Mum.

0:55:400:55:44

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0:55:580:56:02

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