Episode 2 Last Tango in Halifax

-I've got a pen pal. Did William tell you?

-No.

This fellow I was at school with.

I did ask her out once.

-Did you?

-CHUCKLING:

-Yeah.

-It turns out Judith's a bit of an alcoholic.

-You want to come back?

You're lucky I let you have owt to do with him!

You're lucky that you've not had him taken off you.

CELIA: 'I would be delighted to meet you in Skipton on Monday.'

I thought I might buy you a few beers. Again.

-Tell me about when my dad died.

-It wasn't an accident. She killed him.

I'm very fond of you.

I just don't think I can do this any more.

You told Michael bloody Dobson of all people!

-Idiot.

-Snotty bitch.

BOTH: We're getting married.

BACKGROUND CHATTER

Well, you don't have to say anything, obviously.

When?

Well, we'd... we'd not worked out the details.

-We haven't had time.

-THEY CHUCKLE

Well, you needn't look so worried.

I'm not. I'm, er...

I've just had quite a long day, one way or another,

so I'd just quite like to, um...

Gosh, well, this is, er...

-Where's your car?

-Yeah. Oh, the police have got it.

-What about yours?

-The RAC have taken it to a garage.

In Harrogate?

Well, didn't they offer you a lift?

They're supposed to take you as well as your vehicle.

Well, they may have done, possibly. I don't know.

I couldn't leave Alan on his own. He has a heart condition.

Right, well, you've got each other's e-mail addresses so...

Exactly.

Will you not stop and have a cup of tea?

No. Sorry, Mum, I've got 1,001 things to do this evening.

I've got the Independent Schools Inspectorate coming in, so...

I don't mind stopping for a cup of tea.

I wouldn't mind the loo, actually, while we're here.

Well, I'll get the girl over. They'll think we've moved in.

Sorry, Mum, I can't. My car's parked in the middle of the road.

Well, can you not find a parking space?

No. Alan, it's been delightful.

Sorry we can't stay longer, but I really have got a lot to do.

-Well, that's a shame.

-Another time, then, happen?

CAROLINE: Absolutely. Will you say goodbye to Gillian for me?

Yes! I...I will.

Right, well, looks like I'm being herded out.

Shall I, er...phone you in the morning?

No, tonight. Let me know you've got back all right.

Oh, yes. Yeah, I will.

I mean, nobody's actually congratulated us yet.

-Shall we discuss it in the car?

-Discuss it?

Er...no, you should. She's right. Caroline's right.

Everything'll need... thinking through properly.

Won't it?

Bye, then.

Bye-bye.

-Congratulations, Granddad.

-Oh...

-Is this Raffy?

-Yes.

-How do you do?

-Isn't he grand?

-Aye, he's all right, aye.

Well, I'll have to go.

Drive safely.

Thank you. We will.

And you. Ta-ta.

Bye-bye.

It's been quite a day, hasn't it, one way and another?

Bloody hell, Granddad! Married?

How have you managed that?!

I'm not entirely sure.

Well, God alone knows what they must think about us!

You could have stopped and had a cup of tea.

Get in.

We're serious, you know. We're serious about getting married.

Whatever.

I know you think I'm crackers.

Mum, I don't think anything. I don't have time to think anything.

-Have they gone?

-Yeah.

What the hell on earth are you playing at?!

Did you not like her?

Like her? But I don't know her. You don't know her.

-You haven't seen her for 60 years.

-Well, I liked her.

The daughter strikes me as being a bit high-maintenance, though.

She stood you up.

-Apparently not.

-She had you on then.

How do you know she's not having you on now?

-What happened was...

-And that bloody daughter!

Oh, don't get me...started. Trailer trash?

-What happened was...

-Bitch!

-What happened was...

-Dad. Don't want to know how she's twisted it

and tried to make you believe black's white. Cos you know what happened. You told me.

I'll tell you later.

You needn't bother.

-See you!

-Ditto!

So, you were indiscreet with Michael bloody Dobson?

-What did you say to him?

-I was just a bit tearful.

I was hiding in the book room and he came in.

-Yes, and what did you say to him?

-He asked me why I was...and I said

because I'd been seeing somebody and that that somebody had dumped me,

and then I accidentally said "she" instead of "he",

and he said, "Oh, God, is it someone from here?"

and he wouldn't let it drop after that.

-Did you say my name?

-Look...

-Did you say my name?

-Yes.

What exactly did you tell him?

Just...

You're going to have to say it.

..that we kissed twice.

Look, he's a mate. I wouldn't have told him otherwise.

He's not going to say anything. Are you cross?

BELL RINGS

No.

KEYPAD BEEPS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'Good morning.'

I thought I might pop over.

-Yoo-hoo!

-Oh...

-DOOR SHUTS

-Is anybody in?

-Celia!

-John. Are you busy?

I've just got to the bit where Prothero, that's the main central...character,

has just discovered his best friend's

been sleeping with his mother for the last 15 years.

Oh, dear. Has he, with his own mother?

No. No, no. With Prothero's mother.

Oh, well. There we go.

Um...could you give me a lift to the garage if you're not doing anything?

Only they've sorted me out

a little courtesy car, and I've got to get over to Halifax.

Did... Did Caroline explain that I've moved back in?

Yeah, yeah, she did.

Good.

The thing is, it's delicate.

Yeah.

Oh, I made a mistake, Celia. I should never have left her.

I've made such a bloody mess of things.

She's put me in the spare room, which is fine, you know.

It's...it's...

The thing is, obviously, if you felt inclined,

if...if you could put in a good word...

..for me...with her. You see, she listens to you.

-Huh! When?!

-No, she does.

Happen once a flood, if it suits her.

I just want everything to get back to normal, Celia.

-What do you think about my news?

-What news?

Me and Alan.

-Celia's rung.

-Fan belt's gone again.

-She's popping over.

-When?

-Now.

-What for?

-Well, because there's stuff to discuss.

Raff came home from school yesterday...

asking questions about when Eddie died.

What sort of questions?

Oh...

Why yesterday?

Because Robbie turned up outside the school.

-Saying stuff.

-What stuff?

The usual crap.

But what if he gets it into his head to start talking about...

other things, like...

..what really happened.

He wouldn't be that daft, surely?

Robbie?

He'll have messed with Raffy's head more than yours, surely.

He knows that.

I don't think he cogitates that far, Dad.

She actually coming here, specifically,

as opposed to, you know, here in general?

Yeah, yes, here.

Cos you do realise, to fresh eyes, the place does look like a dump?

-DOOR CLICKS

-Caroline?

I've got your husband on the phone. He says it's urgent.

Put him through.

PHONE RINGS

John.

You didn't tell me your ma's getting married.

-Something happened?

-'Yeah.'

Your mother's getting married.

-Sorry, is this urgent?

-It's delightful.

It's nonsense. It won't happen. They... You know what she's like.

It... She's all for something one minute,

then half an hour, ten minutes later, she's gone completely off it.

-It's like when she wanted to... buy a fax machine.

-'Well, I don't know.'

She's driving over to Halifax to see him.

-When?

-'Now.'

She's picked up a little hire car.

My mother has hired a car?

Well, no, it's a little courtesy car.

Look... God, she'll get lost.

No, it's got a little sat-nav thingy on it...in it.

'And the bloke showed her how it works so...'

Did she take her mobile?

I don't know. Probably.

Don't you think it's...

-What?

-'I don't know.'

Life-affirming. Properly, you know, proper.

Uplifting. Good.

What it's all for, really.

Caroline?

I don't know.

-I don't know. Look, I've got to go.

-Do you want to go out for dinner tonight?

KNOCK AT DOOR I... No.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Someone at the door. I'd better go.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Judith?

-Hello, Michael.

-Could I...

-see you?

-Yes, of course.

Beverley's there if you want an appointment.

I meant, er...

...now.

-What's it about?

-Well...

it's...

Sure.

-Kate.

-Kate.

What about her?

She has...been saying things.

Things that perhaps you ought to be aware of.

OK. So...

..she implied...

Hmm. She said,

and, you see, it's not just me that she may be saying these things to,

and...it could be damaging...

..to you if any governors

or parents, et cetera,

or...or...

..one of your two boys...

..even,

for instance,

got wind of...

What do you want, Michael?

Bigger budget for your Hands Across Europe project?

Head of department when Mrs Aspinall moves on?

Look... I can be...discreet.

Sod off, you little prick. Do you really think you can humiliate me?

Go for it, genius. Spread a few rumours.

It'll say more about you than it ever will about me. This is 2012.

I'm single. She's single. We're adults.

We had a fling. The ladies have landed.

Quite a long time ago, in fact. Get over it.

She spoke to you because she was upset, and this is how you respond?

Bad move. And shame on you, as well.

Leave the door open on your way out.

Psss-choo!

-Did I really hurt you?

-Yeah.

God, that's appalling.

Yeah.

Did it hurt?

I suppose "sorry" doesn't even start to...

Well, you know, it's complex. I understand that.

Judith, I'm not entirely comfortable about you being here in Caroline's kitchen.

-Why? Is she here?

-No, of course not. She's at work.

-No-one's here.

-It is your kitchen, though, isn't it?

-As much as it is hers?

-You take the point.

-I want you to come back.

-No.

I don't want to be like this any more.

Well, yes, of course you don't, and you shouldn't, but...

..Judith, I'd have left anyway.

-Why?

-Because it had run its course.

You think you can just pick people up like that, and then just drop them?

Well, certainly when people start hitting people, yes.

It makes it more of an option.

-Why have you come back here?

-We went through this.

-Did we?

-It's where I belong.

You always said it stifled you.

I think I've come full circle with Caroline.

I don't get it, because we were so good and happy and exciting together.

And you like a drink just as much as I do.

Not...quite as much as you do.

I just...

I just don't know what I've got to look forward to, John.

I'm serious.

I'm 43 years old,

and...I'm between jobs,

and my life just lurches from one embarrassing mishap to the next.

And I'm bored!

Bored of wondering what the point is.

SHE SOBS

-What you doing?

-ALAN: I've been in the attic.

-Oh, have you?

-Yeah.

Up that bloody old ladder? You know you're not supposed to go up...

-HE GRUNTS

-Let me have that.

-No, I can manage.

You sit down. Come on, down here.

-It's all those old photos.

-Yeah, yeah, I know what it is.

Oh, my God. I haven't seen this for years.

Me neither. It were under a load of stuff.

-You should have shouted me.

-Yeah.

I was only in the yard.

You know you're not supposed to go hoicking stuff around.

I was certain I had a picture of her.

There were a few of us in a row, sitting on a bench,

up at t'park in Elland.

-Oh, look. It's Ma.

-Ah.

How old would she have been there?

Well, that's, er... What does it say on t'back?

1953.

16. There, you see. That's round about the time that I last saw Celia.

Ah, she's younger than Raffy.

-Oh, aye.

-Isn't she pretty?

Ah, she were lovely.

-Oh, my God.

-HE LAUGHS

I've not seen this for years. Your wedding photo.

Oh, weren't you both lovely?

We ought to have this up somewhere.

In a frame.

-Blimey. Look at my mother's dress.

-Hey, now, then.

School photo. We'll all be on here - me, your mum and Celia.

Let's have a butcher's.

Oh, my God.

Look at all them shorts and little knees.

Yeah, yeah. Eeh, that's me.

-Look.

-Ah!

-Aren't you sweet?

-Hey, here, what you on about?

-I looked manly.

-I meant...I meant manly. I said "manly".

You don't look manly, Dad. You're 12 years old.

Hey, there's Eileen and there's...

It is. That's her, that's her. That's Celia.

Ah.

And that's Doreen Wilkinson in between.

He's dead.

He's dead.

She died.

-He went down south.

-Mm.

Right, look, I... I'd better get on.

Mm? Oh.

Are you going to tidy it up, or are you not bothering?

-Well, I thought I'd tidied.

-Did you?

Oh, OK.

-But is it not...

-No, it's fine.

Right, enjoy. Ta-ra.

Ha.

Oh...

DOOR SHUTS

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER ECHOES

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Hello.

I lay awake half the night, wondering if I'd dreamt it.

-So did I.

-Did you?

Well, no. It were more laying awake wondering if I'd got the wrong end of the stick.

I tidied up.

You've got a lovely view.

Oh, it's bitter in winter.

Have you given any thought as to where we might live?

We've a few options. There's my little house up Barkisland.

There's my flat at Caroline's.

-Then there's here. There's room.

-Oh.

-Would your Gillian like that?

-Oh, aye.

I have money in the farm, so she couldn't really object.

-Not that she would.

-Well, I'm the same.

They'd never have been able to buy that big house in Harrogate without my input.

If we did want to live in my little house,

I'd have to give Darren and Kimberley a month's notice -

the tenants.

Which I'd do, but they've just had a baby.

Oh.

What were you saying about car insurance on the phone?

Oh. Well.

What Steve said, Steve at the garage...

-What's he got to do with insurance?

-Oh, nothing.

He was just saying that because I drove into the back of your vehicle,

at my age, not only might they bump up my premiums,

they might refuse to insure me altogether another time.

It's my only little bit of independence, this driving,

so, I was wondering...

I won't claim.

-I mean, I will pay for the damage.

-No, you won't!

-Oh, I will.

-Do you fancy arguing about it?

Over lunch, out?

Gillian says we can take the Land Rover. She doesn't need it this aft'.

Or there's my little courtesy car.

-We have too many decisions.

-We're spoilt for choice.

Well, I've never been in a Land Rover.

Oh, it's right uncomfortable.

# No, sir, I could tear apart MCs

# But I'd rather read a book on childcare by Kerry Katona

# No niceness, cos I ran out of it Dumb it down a bit

# Ain't something I'm prepared to do

# Cos I ain't ever gonna run out of lip

# Here's something... # ENGINE STOPS

SHE SIGHS

CAR DOOR OPENS

Ooh!

HE LAUGHS

I tell you what, Gillian,

there's something about you bending over in a field

that makes me almost unable to contain myself.

Piss off, Paul.

You give the nod, and I'll be over this wall and up behind you before you can say,

"You ought to be posing in magazines with one that size, Paul."

Move along now.

I keep hoping you'll text me.

-How weird.

-You know you like it.

There anybody in at your house?

-Why?

-Got a half hour.

HORN BEEPS

HE CHUCKLES

Ain't that your Land Rover?

SHE SIGHS

Half an hour?

-CELIA:

-Of course, there is another option.

-ALAN: Is there?

-Yeah.

When we're married, we won't need both cars, will we?

So, why don't we trade them both in and buy something we've always fancied?

-Well, did you have summat in mind?

-Yeah.

I daren't tell you what. You'll think I'm crackers.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

TV IS ON

Hello. Are you the taxi?

Dad? Dad!

What? Yes?

Shit. William?

Er...this is... What are you... what are you doing here at this time?

Revision.

A levels. Exams, middle of.

-That's right, er... Judith, this is William, my eldest.

-Hello.

-William, this is...

-What's she doing here?

Nothing, nothing. Honestly, nothing, William. It's fine.

DOORBELL RINGS

-That'll be my taxi.

-Great.

-Will it?

-Oh, my God.

-PHONE RINGS

-You're disgusting. It's really nothing...

-Shall I answer the door?

-How much have you had to drink?

-I think I will.

PHONE RINGS

Judith has...a bit of a problem.

-SHE has?

-Yeah.

-Point taken, but...

-She shouldn't be in this house.

-PHONE RINGS

-Let...let me just...

I'll just... Can you...?

Hello?

-John, it's me.

-Hi! Hello!

'I was thinking, um...'

maybe we should go out together sometime, and, um...

'talk about things and, er...'

...try and find a proper way forward.

Great. Yes. Good.

Not tonight. I've just got far too much on.

But, um...some time.

No, no, fine. That's...that's fine.

-Right, then.

-I'd...I'd like that.

Right.

Right.

-Bye, then.

-Bye.

Bye-bye. LINE GOES DEAD

Has she gone?

It'd be, like, really good if you didn't mention this to Mum...

-Huh!

-..because, honestly, I was...

I was just trying to get rid of her. William.

DOOR SHUTS

Was Caroline all right when you drove home last night?

Caroline? Yeah.

Yes, I think so.

-She seemed preoccupied.

-She always is.

I suppose it was a bit of a shock for 'em both.

I don't think Caroline's happy.

-What? About us?

-About anything.

She's married to this...John.

Oh, he can be quite entertaining but he's a complete waste of space.

He works at the university in York.

When it suits him.

And he writes novels.

Published, but...

they're nowt.

He went off with another woman.

Judith.

So, Caroline was working full time and bringing up two boys on her own.

And then he just waltzes back in, and she lets him.

You can't say anything.

No, the fella our Gillian was married to, Eddie, he was a wrong 'un.

Was he?

Dead ten years, but he still manages to do her head in.

-How?

-Ooh.

You know I said he died in an accident on the farm?

Yeah?

Well, it wasn't an accident.

He killed himself.

-Oh, no.

-Volatile.

Drank too much. Always short of money. She thought the world of him.

I could see why people were drawn to him, but I never was.

He was a bully. Yeah, and a coward.

Still, he's not there now.

So...

But the lad doesn't know.

We always let him believe that it was an accident.

-You being seen to?

-Er...I, um...

Yeah, we'd like to test-drive this car, please.

-What, now?

-Er...ideally, yes.

Right, OK, yeah. And... and are you looking to buy?

Yeah, th-that...that's the idea.

-And is it part exchange?

-Yes, yes, that...that's the plan.

OK, Mr and Mrs...

What makes you think we're married?

Er...

Ow!

HE LAUGHS

Right.

Come on.

Bugger off.

Yeah.

Till next time.

(You twat.)

It was unfortunate yesterday, I think.

Our Gillian and your Caroline seemed to get off on the wrong foot.

He thinks we're time-wasters.

-Who does?

-Yond.

Happen if we had a little do, like a little engagement...

Well, they'd be forced to speak to each other.

They'd rise to the occasion.

Well, why not?

It's always nice to have an excuse for a party.

Why would we waste his time?

He thinks we're silly old buggers who've nothing better to do of an afternoon.

Well, happen we should invite him.

That'd guarantee it'd go with a right swing.

Him and his face. Ey up.

So, Mrs Dawson...

I spoke to Steve in Harrogate,

and based on what he's telling me, minus the cost of the damage,

we can offer you 5,500 part-ex on your A-Class, so you'd be looking to pay...

21,500.

21,500.

You still want a test-drive?

It's 10,750 each.

It depends.

On what?

On if you can give it to me for 21.

And if you can have it ready for Saturday afternoon.

Only it's our engagement party.

Mum, where are you?

-'Are you all right?'

-Yeah, I'm with Alan in Halifax.

-'What?'

-What are you doing in Halifax?

-Nothing.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, never better.

Right, well, er...drive carefully.

-Yeah, I will. Bye-bye.

-Bye.

-Bye-bye!

-THEY CHUCKLE

LAUGHTER

I've put the kettle on. I saw you pulling in.

-Hello.

-What you been up to?

Um...nothing.

Hey, who was that you were chatting to this morning?

Oh, Paul Jatri. I made a cake.

-Oh, Susan Jatri's lad?

-It's coffee and walnut.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Isn't he getting married to Neil Cresswell's girl?

-I believe so.

-Oh, it looks lovely.

We got off on the wrong foot yesterday, Celia.

-I'm sorry.

-Oh, no, love. It wasn't your fault.

No, I meant more me and Caroline got off on the wrong foot.

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have pulled into that parking space, because she was indicating,

only I...I was panicking, wondering if he, my dad, was all right and...

Perhaps you could tell her that I'm sorry and that I apologise

and obviously it'd be nice if we could put it behind us,

-given the...

-Of course I will.

-..situation.

-Yeah.

-Good.

-Hey, we were thinking about having, um, a little engagement do.

-Great! Where?

-Here.

On Saturday, this Saturday.

Fantastic.

And, look...

congratulations. I should have said it yesterday.

But, you know, it was just...

..so unexpected.

I'll get the...

Drive safely.

-So, what have you been up to?

-Nothing.

I've been thinking.

Happen I ought to tell Raff...

about Eddie.

Happen it's time. And then he knows.

And I won't be terrified

about him hearing it, like a sledgehammer, from anyone else.

HE SIGHS

What?

No.

I think you're wise.

-I'm cooking.

-No shit, Sherlock.

How...how...how were the inspectors?

Good. Very good.

Good. So they should be.

How was your history paper?

You all right?

Yup.

-Now, Mum has got some news for everyone.

-What?

-Have I?

-You're not pregnant?

-Oh, don't be stupid. I'm 45.

-What, then?

-What news?

-Celia.

-Oh, Granny's getting married.

-How?

-To Alan?

-Who?

Apparently. It won't happen.

-Not an accident?

-WIND HOWLS

That's what t'coroner said.

Why did he...

Obviously that's something I've thought about...

a lot.

But you know what? At the end of the day,

you can never know why somebody gets that far down the line.

Not if they won't talk about it.

Even someone you're that close to.

We all have demons.

DOOR BANGS IN WIND

And most people...

...cope with them, put up with them.

Demons?

Things about ourselves that we don't like.

Can't cope with.

Things we've done.

How we've behaved.

Well, you know he had a temper and...

He had a lot of wonderful things about him, your dad, he really did.

But he had this darker side as well and...

But you mustn't worry about it.

You're not like him, not in that respect.

You're much more like my dad.

You're kind.

Thoughtful.

Balanced.

You all right?

I didn't want you hearing it from Robbie. That's all.

And, you see...

..that's another reason Robbie doesn't like accepting what really happened.

He thought the world of Eddie.

His big brother.

And Eddie left him behind.

DOOR SHUTS

We're having a little do next Saturday.

You know, like an engagement party?

At Gillian and Alan's house...farm. And everyone's invited.

Come in and sit down.

Why are you rushing into this?

I suppose that's what it must seem like to you.

Well, how else could it seem to anyone?

I've been in love with him for 60 years.

That's not rushing.

He was 16 the last time you saw him.

People...alter.

How do you know, just on a practical level...

-Mm?

-..how much money he's got, for instance?

Oh, he's not badly off.

He has a pension from the company that he worked for.

He was a floor manager at Jessops Chemicals in Huddersfield.

OK, good.

He owns his own house, which he rents out and has an income from.

And he put quite a bit of money in the farm.

-He's not short. I'm not daft.

-Oh, Mum, I know that.

-You've never been daft.

-Well, then?

Well, it's what I want.

What I've always wanted.

I know him better than I know myself. Can you understand that?

Well, sort of.

Almost.

That's very...

What?

Touching.

Articulate.

Just think, if I'd married him and not your dad, I'd have...

Not have had me.

Oh, I think I would. I think I'd always have had you.

I was just thinking how much happier life would have been.

Gillian says she's sorry that you and her got off on the wrong foot,

and she hopes you can both put it behind you.

She's all right, you know. Heart's in the right place.

She's had things to deal with as well.

As well as who?!

You, you twit.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

-Are you ready?

-CAROLINE: Hmm?

I was... Sorry.

Just wondering, as regards me being in the spare room...

and so forth. Not that...

Look, I know...I know it's early days

but - and I'm not suggesting, obviously, that we should have...

-have...have...

-Sex?

-...yet.

-Well, good.

-No, but...

-SHE SIGHS

I did this stupid thing.

Sorry?

I said this stupid thing.

When I met Gillian, I...

I didn't know it was Gillian.

I had a sort of spat with her before Alan introduced us

-and I...

-What? What did you...

I called her an idiot and then I...

I called her brain-dead lowlife trailer trash.

She stole my parking space. It wasn't funny.

That's what I love about you. You're so...

-What?

-Snotty and arrogant and glorious!

The point is, I'm not looking forward to this party.

-Did you apologise?

-No, I...

ran off when she went to the loo.

These things are never as bad as you think they are.

No, this...was.

-Damn, I wish I'd been there.

-I am going to apologise to her.

That would be the grown-up thing to do.

Maybe...

you could start...sleeping in here...

..again.

Tonight? Or...

So, we're turning left just here, just coming up.

Well, the sat-nav's saying it's in another six miles.

Yeah, well, take no notice of that. You want to go this way. Here!

-What, this?

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

This is the way Alan always comes.

I think I'd rather do what the sat-nav's telling me.

Well, bugger what the sat-nav's telling you. This is it. I'm telling you.

OK.

-I do know what I'm talking about.

-Good.

-As long as we're going the right way.

-I feel sick.

-Feel sick or going to be sick?

-JOHN:

-I need a wee.

-John, there's plastic bag in the pocket at the back of the seat.

-You'll have to hang on for a wee.

-THUD

-Oh, shit! Oh!

-Mum, can you drive properly?

-I beg your pardon?

-I'm not kidding, I'm throwing up.

Do not throw up. Nobody NEEDS to throw up.

There is a plastic bag in the pocket, if somebody chooses to look for it properly!

-Why doesn't Dad drive?

-Oh, yes, that'll help matters(!)

I have looked for it properly. Are you sure this is the right road, Celia?

-Um...

-It had better be. That's all I can say.

-Oh, I think... Oh...

-Have you found that bag?

-There is no bag.

-There is a bag!

-There is always a bag!

-Go off-road, Mum.

- Put it into four-wheel drive. - No, Mum, don't.

I am not going off-road.

Do you know how to put it in four-wheel drive?

Course I know how to put it in four-wheel drive.

Does she heck as like! She never needs four-wheel drive.

I told her when she bought it.

Yeah, well, it's a good job I've got it now, isn't it?

Where the hell are we, Mother?

-I'm just trying to find something I recognise.

-(Jesus.)

-Can we have some music on?

-No.

-Let's sing.

-Let's not bother.

Ooh, she's getting stroppy.

-You'll be getting out in a minute.

-Yeah, shut up.

-You shut up.

-Both of you, shut up.

Don't you tell me to shut up. Bastard.

-Er...stop the car!

-TYRES SCREECH

VOMITS

-GILLIAN:

-They're here!

Raff!

Raff!

Oh! What have you done to your face?

-Nothing. I fell over.

-When?

Coming back from Oggy's last night in t'dark.

-OK, shall we?

-Sure.

Twit.

Oh, look at this.

This is... Wow.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-You made it.

-Yes.

-Oh! Mm.

-Ha-ha-ha! Oh!

Mwah!

- Oh, hello, Caroline! - Alan.

-And this...this is John.

-John.

-Hello.

-And John, this is Gillian.

- Gillian. Fantastic. - Hi.

Now, which is William?

The lad we have to thank for putting his granny on Facebook.

Nice to meet you.

-And this is Lawrence.

-Lawrence.

- Hello, Gillian. - And this is my grandson.

-Hiya, mate, nice to meet you.

-Come inside.

I'm so sorry I was rude.

It was, er...inexcusable and unnecessary,

and I am sorry.

You were worried about your mother. I know. I...I was worried about him.

-I'm sorry too.

-This is beautiful!

Yeah, we're lucky. I struggle to make ends meet sometimes, but I wouldn't swap it.

Do you want to come in? We've got the kettle on.

Fantastic. Thank you.

And you managed to find us all right, did you?

Yeah, yeah, after a bit of...

THEY ALL CHATTER

There's a boy at my school called...

- Thank you. - ...Scotty...

- Yes, Scott the rotter. - Scotty the rotter!

- I know him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Now...

I've, er...I've prepared a little bit of something.

Ooh, I think Alan's going to make a little speech.

-GLASS CLINKS

-Speech! Speech!

-CHATTER CONTINUES

-Shut up, noise-boxes. Him, not you.

- Why me? - Well...

Boys!

-Go on, Dad.

-Er...thank you.

OK, well, um... I...I...

First of all, I'd like to say thank you for...everyone,

for coming to, er...celebrate with us this...this very happy and unusual event.

Er...we...we've not fixed a date yet.

And, er...we haven't a clue where we might live.

-But we'll keep you posted.

-Aw!

Yeah. So... Um...I'd just like to...

clarify. Er...

I...I know you think we're daft.

-We do not!

-Nobody thinks you're daft.

No. Well, rushing in, then. But, er...Celia and I...

What happened was, I was stood on a bridge waiting for her, cos we had a date.

This is, er...60 years ago, er...in Elland.

And, you know, this is before we had telephones.

And her mother had mixed her dates up and they were already flitted to Sheffield

and Celia couldn't contact me so she, er...sent a message,

a letter via...

...a friend,

um...to say sorry,

with a new address that I could write to her,

but I...I never got the message.

So, um...

Why?

Well, cos she didn't give it to me.

The friend?

- Yeah. - Why?

Just cos...

Nasty trick.

-Mm, well...

-Who was she?

We...we'll find a picture of her and chuck darts at it.

THEY CHUCKLE

It were Eileen.

My mother?

Yeah.

So, anyway.

Not that...not that anybody wants to change what's gone.

But it's just to illustrate the fact that we're not rushing in.

We've always had very...

very fond feelings for one another...

..since all that time ago and...

..well, nothing's changed.

So...

That's... God, that's...

Wow.

That's so...

God.

Anyroad, to us.

To us.

Mum!

There's a massive red sports car just pulled up outside.

Looks like it cost about two million quid.

Oh, that's us.

We decided against an engagement ring.

So instead we bought a car between us.

The sort we've always fancied!

- Yes! - Whoa-ho!

Look at that!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, look! Oh!

Grandma!

Did you know about this?

-Oh!

-No.

Oh! Beautiful.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

Mr Buttershaw. Mrs Dawson.

-Oh!

-Can we sit in it, Granddad?

-Well...

-Yes, of course you can.

-As long as they're careful.

-Congratulations.

Stunning! Wow!

So, you... This is instead of an engagement ring?

Mm.

But you didn't let Alan pay for the whole thing?

No, I said we bought it between us. Hope they're not trailing mud in.

-GILLIAN:

-So... Blimey!

-How much did it cost, then, Dad?

-Yeah, enough.

CAROLINE: So, just to clarify, you don't know when,

or, let's be honest, if you're going to get married, but you've just spent...

-There is no if.

-..silly money buying a car

that you're going to need a hip replacement to get in and out of.

Oh, stop being so negative.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah, yeah.

I think my mother probably would have liked one and all, Dad.

-Oh. Police.

-GILLIAN:

-Now what?

-Afternoon.

-How do?

Are they the strippers?

(Stop it.)

-Nice car.

-What do you want?

-Gillian.

Is there summat up?

Just need to have a little chat with Raffy, that's all.

-What for?

-What have you done to your face?

-He fell over.

-Where?

-Down Ripponden.

-Do you know a Paul Jatri?

No.

Well, he reckons he knows you.

He's been in saying that you assaulted him last night.

Yeah? Well, he shouldn't have been saying stuff, should he?

What stuff?

I'm arresting you on suspicion of assault.

-You're not!

-You don't have to say anything,

but it may harm your defence if you don't mention when questioned

something you later rely on in court.

You're not arresting him.

-He's assaulted someone.

-He's your nephew.

It'll just be a bit of a caution, that's all.

Inspector Hatfield'll just need to have a bit of a word with you.

-A bit of a caution?

-Yeah.

If he was provoked, which it sounds like he was.

CAROLINE: Look, perhaps...should we...

-should we be getting off?

-No.

No, no, no. Look, look, this is Celia and Alan's little party. We can't have this.

We can't just take off.

The thing is, Officer,

er...this lady and this gentleman...

-Someone shut him up.

-..have just got engaged to be married,

and, really, couldn't this wait?

-Congratulations, Alan.

-Yeah, thanks.

Come on, lad, let's get this over with.

-No, this is really, I would say, rather heavy-handed.

-And you are?

-I'm...I'm...

-A wanker.

He is. He's had that bitch in our house.

What...bitch?

Judith.

I came home mid-afternoon last Tuesday after my exam,

and they were pissed together in the sitting room.

Raff, er...you go with Robbie. I'll follow you on in the Land Rover.

-I'm going to have to go with him.

-Fair enough.

-You couldn't give us a lift down to the main road?

-Yeah, whatever. Get in.

In my house?!

Not what you think.

Happen I ought to pop down to the police station with Gillian.

-Yes, you'd better.

-Let's not ruin this... really, really lovely...

-Take the Lexus.

-Shall I? You don't mind?

CAROLINE: Get in the car, boys. Mum, we're leaving.

-Well done.

-Don't come back.

You haven't even heard my side of it.

This has been taken out of context, out of proportion, and nothing happened!

Caroline, you are not leaving me here!

Oh!

I've wanted to do that for years.

I could have killed him one time. I mean, literally, I could have k...

I just want you to understand the effect you have on me.

-Aaah!

-They said they was going to pour petrol over me and set me on fire.

-Oh!

-This marriage is over!

-And I do not want to waste another...

-You bitch!

..second of my life pretending it's something worth saving!

-Mum!

-Oh!

-Hello!

-Is anybody there?

-Slapper.

-Yeah, whatever.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd