Episode 3 Last Tango in Halifax

-We're serious about getting married.

-Whatever.

-I sent you a note to say I couldn't come.

I gave it to Eileen Pickford to give to you.

Eileen?

-My mother?

-Yeah.

No, don't tell me you didn't get it?

I'm very...fond of you.

I just don't think I can do this any more.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of assault.

You're not arresting him!

There's summat about you bending over in a field

that makes me almost unable to contain myself.

Ow!

-Tell me about when my dad died.

-It wasn't an accident. She killed him.

We decided against an engagement ring,

so instead, we bought a car between us.

-Judith, this is William, my eldest.

-Hello.

He's had that bitch in our house.

Don't come back.

-You can't just leave him.

-Can't I?

Why not? He left me.

I mean, you can't just abandon him in the middle of nowhere.

You think I should let him humiliate me over and over again...

-Bend!

-..and pretend that everything's fine and dandy, when in actual fact

I'm having a nervous bloody breakdown?

Mum!

Oh.

Are you all right?

Caroline?

-Idiot.

-You're an idiot.

-Why am I an idiot?

-Telling her.

He probably wasn't even doing anything.

He hates her. He hates Judith.

He was probably just trying to get rid of her.

Mum.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said anything.

-They weren't doing anything.

-They were just drunk.

He let her into the house.

It doesn't matter whether they were doing anything or not.

What matters is that he's shallow and weak-willed...

...and I can't trust him.

Much as I'd like to.

For your sake.

My sake.

Everyone's sake.

Are you all right, Mum?

Are you?

Come on.

I couldn't find a parking space.

What have they said?

Um...they're not pressing charges. It is just a caution.

Oh.

Here, I know it looks extravagant, the car.

And, yeah, your mother might have liked one, but I don't know, I...

She were never bothered about cars.

Odd.

That thing you said about my mother not giving you that note.

Do you wish she had? Given it to you?

Well, you can't think like that, can you?

No, but do you?

No! Course not!

But you aren't cross with her, for not doing?

No.

She was a fantastic woman, my mother.

Yeah, she were. You're right.

I've certainly got no complaints.

DOOR OPENS

Done and dusted.

And next time, give the weedy little twat a wide berth.

You all right?

What were it about?

-Gillian?

-You know as much as me, Robbie.

HE SIGHS

-What did he say, the inspector?

-Stuff.

-I'll see you back there.

-Right.

And what was Paul Jaktri saying?

Shit.

-What kind of shit?

-Can I go in t'Lexus with my grandad?

-What kind of shit?

-Grandad, can I go with you?

DOOR SHUTS

-You OK?

-I'm sorry I spoilt your party.

Ah...

VEHICLE DOOR SHUTS

DOOR OPENS

Ah.

I'm going to my room.

I thought I'd better hang about. You left the door unlocked.

I'll ring Celia, see if she's all right.

Right. Mm.

How...how were things at the, um...police station?

I'd hate you and Caroline to get the wrong idea about us.

For my dad's sake.

This isn't how he behaves, Raffy. He's a good lad.

I'm sure he is.

God knows why he couldn't rise above it. He...he would do normally.

Kids. Well, boys, anyway.

-I...I helped myself.

-Good.

-I hope that's...

-Absolutely fine.

HE CLEARS THROAT

-Sorry about...

-What?

Oh, dirty linen in public. Me and Caroline.

Hey, listen. Don't apologise to me.

Not for anything. I don't judge people.

Never have done. Life's too short.

Let's be frank.

We're none of us perfect. The ironic thing is...

-What?

-Oh.

I had this...

fling thing,

affair-fest,

embarrassing mistake thing with this Judith,

four...three months ago.

Tell me when I get boring.

Oh, the point is she...

I was in the house by myself. Our house, mine and Caroline's.

And she turns up. Judith.

And I can't get rid of her. William comes home from school early,

because he's in the middle of his A levels.

He assumes we're up to stuff.

Which we're not. Absolutely not. All over.

Thing of the past. Big, bad mistake.

Desperately grateful to be back with glorious, snotty, mad Caroline,

albeit in the spare bedroom.

But now she's gone all berserk and says I'm out on my ear again.

Shit.

I've...

..just got to pop upstairs and see if Raffy's OK.

Sure.

Sure.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Raff?

I want to know what Paul was saying that made you so cross.

-He's an idiot.

-Well, I can't say I'd argue with you over that.

And you're an idiot as well.

WIND WHISTLES

BANGING

-How's the car?

-Smashing.

You couldn't drive me to the nearest railway?

-Well, where are you heading?

-Well, Harrogate.

Well, I'll drive you there. I'm off over to see Celia. She's barely seen that car.

But it'll have to be tomorrow morning.

I'm not setting off now!

-It's dark.

-Fine. Great. Is that...?

So...so could I stay?

FOOTSTEPS

Can he stay?

-Alan's very kindly offered me a lift back to Harrogate tomorrow morning.

-Course.

Only I'd be grateful if you... you didn't drink any more.

I don't want you throwing up in t'car before Celia's even sat in it.

Celia all right?

Well, I think she'd have liked a turn in t'car.

-Perhaps I should phone for that taxi.

-Don't be daft. You stay put.

-Oh, I'll go and put t'kettle on.

WIND WHISTLES

You want to stick up for yourself more, you do.

-Me?

-Yeah.

You know, if you weren't doing owt,

if you genuinely weren't doing owt with this Judith...

..why accept being chucked out?

And presumably half the house is yours.

Morning, everyone!

Daddy's back! Daddy's home!

# Allons enfants de la Patrie

# Le jour de gloire est arrive! #

Breakfast! I'm cooking!

Who wants pancakes?

-Morning!

-It's ten to eight.

Yes, I... Sorry I'm late.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

RADIO: 'The Sunday morning service comes from the church of St James the Great...'

Oh, piss off.

MUSIC: "The Liberty Bell March" by John Philip Sousa

HE HUMS TUNE

Pa-pa-pa pom!

Do you believe in God?

I used to...to believe.

Mid-to-late 1970s.

MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY

What happened in the mid-to-late 1970s?

I'm not sure.

But, er...that's when we just seemed to stop going. Why?

I think I'd like to get married in a church rather than a registry office...

on reflection.

-Who's that making that din?

-Well, we can do.

I...I don't think it's obligatory these days,

to believe in God, just cos you want to get wed in church.

MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY

MUSIC STOPS

-What the hell on earth do you think you're doing?!

-Morning, darling.

-Don't you shitting well "darling" me!

-Potty mouth.

-What are you doing?

-Breakfast. Want some?

Is that John? Has she let him in?

-I live here!

-How has he got back?

No, you don't live here, because I chucked you out for being an arsehole!

Yes, well... MUSIC RESUMES

..half this house is mine!

I wasn't doing anything wrong! She turned up!

William exaggerated! Get over it! Don't you touch that!

And next time your mother slaps me,

you tell her I will slap her right back! Harder!

You are not making a mess in my kitchen!

That's right! I'm making a mess in my kitchen!

You forfeited any right to anything when you went off shagging that whore!

THEY LAUGH Shout a little bit louder, Caroline!

-It's not funny!

-No.

Morally, I can't argue with you. Legally, however, a tad more compromise!

I do not want you here!

Well, I don't mind you being here. It isn't like there isn't room, is it?

So, if you can't be civil to me,

just bugger off into another room, all right?

Because if you're going to be difficult and unco-operative,

I might just chuck all your things out, OK?

What's happening?

Nothing.

Your father's behaving like a pig!

Oh, damn. She's shut the window.

You see, I'm not behaving like a pig. I'm willing to be entirely reasonable.

-You're doing breakfast, Popsicle?

-Yes, I am.

-Cool.

MUSIC CONTINUES

DOOR SLAMS

-BOTH CHUCKLE

-It's not funny!

Hey!

How do you fancy driving over to Buckstones Ridge?

Oh...

MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm just off to work.

Raff.

BRAKES WHINE

Ah.

What have you been saying to our Raff?

-Oh, steady on, Gillian.

-And going to the police?

What kind of bloke gets beaten up by a 16-year-old and goes whining to the police?

How about, "Thank you, Paul, for not pressing charges"?

What did you say to him?

"Thank you, Paul, for letting him get off with a caution."

Nowt. I were just, like... You know.

What?

I were just saying what a fine woman you was.

-You idiot.

-Any time, love.

-Well, he didn't believe you, anyway.

-Ha-ha.

Nah, he did.

Not to start with, cheeky git.

Not till I described the way your wallpaper's peeling off above t'window where it's damp.

And your five million pair of shoes.

And that photo he has by his bed of him, his Uncle Robbie and his dad.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's when he realised

I really had been in your upstairs.

-HE LAUGHS

-He went mad. Lickle bastard.

That's...

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Gillian?

-Yeah?

-It's John Elliot.

Caroline's husband.

Oh.

John.

Hello.

I'm just ringing to say thank you for putting me up last night.

Oh, that's...

I stuck up for myself, and, er... well, she didn't like it.

Not surprisingly.

But I did it.

He's talking to someone.

-KATE: 'Who?'

-I've got no idea. He's smirking.

It's probably her, Judith.

-Well, I've no idea, Caroline.

-I'm sorry I upset you.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. You were right. He's an absolute...

..jerk. I've spent the best years of my life

married to an unreliable, shallow-minded...

self-centred...

..jerk.

Yes.

What am I going to do?

Divorce him, and not just talk about it this time.

Sell the house, split everything. Start again.

-I can't sell this house!

-'Why?'

Because I...I've put so much into it. I've worked so hard for it.

It's perfect. I don't want to sell...

Anyway, I can't, because my mother...

Actually, my mother's probably going to move out, because she's getting married.

-Your mother?

-Yes.

Your mother is getting married? Who to?

Oh, it's just...

How sweet.

Would you like me to come round?

'Would you like to go for a walk? Would you like to do something?'

Me going on about stuff a bit too much, probably...

KNOCK ON DOOR

That's such a beautiful part of the world that you live in.

John? John, John.

I'm...I'm sorry. I've got to go, cos I'm at work.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Yeah, no...no problem.

-Ta-ta, then.

-Me waxing lyrical.

Yeah. Aw. Bye!

-Probably see you again some time anyway.

-Yeah, yep.

-Bye. Bye-bye.

-Bye.

Sweet exotic creature.

MUSIC: "The Archers" theme tune

'So, 2 o'clock, then?'

Jesus Christ.

-He's lit a cigarette.

-'Is that very...'

How bad is that?

We don't smoke.

Oh. Ah.

And he's drinking whisky at quarter-past 11 in the morning.

And he's listening to the... bloody Archers!

I've got to go.

Right, well, I'll see you at...

MUSIC PLAYS

RADIO OFF You silly bitch!

What kind of example do you think you set these boys, hm?

Smoking! And drinking and fornicating!

And wallowing there like some... self-indulgent tosser!

-How dare you do that?

-I do not want you here!

Well, bad luck. I live here, and if I want to smoke and bring women here, then I'll bring them!

But I don't want to bring women here!

Because I want our marriage to work!

-You mad cow!

-This marriage is over!

It is dead! It is redundant! It...it never was!

And I do not want to waste another second of my life

pretending it's something worth saving!

MUSIC: "Strangeness And Charm" by Florence + The Machine

# The static from your arms

# It is a catalyst

# You're a chemical that burns

# There is nothing like this. #

If anybody had told me a few weeks ago

that I'd be sitting up at Buckstones Ridge,

holding hands with a man who isn't my husband,

and who's just driven me here in his Lexus,

I'd have thought they were pulling my leg.

Not that I'd have ever sat anywhere

holding hands with a man who was my husband.

Kenneth wasn't the hand-holding sort.

I mean, even before the trouble,

I don't think he'd a romantic bone in his body.

And then after, when I'd found out what a randy sod he'd been, well...

that put the tin lid on any sort of... Anything resembling romantic.

I mean, I stopped going anywhere with him socially.

I mean, he didn't know who knew and who didn't.

And I work on the principle it's always wise to assume the worst.

I mean, it's not nice, is it?

Folk nudging each other, going, "Ooh, that's her

"whose husband's at it with all and sundry behind her back.

"I wonder if she knows, poor bitch.

"I wonder what she's not doing that's making him look elsewhere."

So, you stop in. You don't go out.

And your world gets smaller.

I should have divorced him.

But it's easy to say, with a child to bring up

and no money of your own. And you see, I'd not worked.

I had no career.

I'd given up my job when Caroline was born.

Women did in them days.

Could have killed him one time.

I mean, literally, I could have!

He was decorating the kitchen.

Painting the ceiling up a little stepladder.

He was hopeless at anything to do with DIY.

Anyway, he slipped and banged his head.

He must have been out for...oh, well, no more than a second or two.

But of course, I panicked.

Till he came to.

It was only afterwards I realised I'd been slow.

And I decided if it ever happened again I'd slip a cushion over his face

and suffocate him.

Have I shocked you?

No.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry I go on about him.

No, no, no, no. I'm just sorry you... you had it to go through.

I'm only telling you this so you know what sort of a woman you're marrying.

Do you fancy a pint in a pub?

-I was thinking...

-Oh, aye?

Why don't you stop tonight in Harrogate?

Oh, I don't mean anything untoward.

I've got a spare room.

Only it's going to be a long haul for you otherwise, taking me back to Harrogate

then setting off to Halifax.

And you were up at the crack of dawn this morning.

I'd have to buy a toothbrush.

Raff?

Raffy?

RINGING TONE

Answer it.

-RAFF ON VOICEMAIL:

-'I can't take your call. Leave a message and I'll ring you back.'

Raff, it's me.

Where are you? Just ring me or...or text me.

I...I need to know where you are.

I'm sorry if I've upset you. I know I've upset you.

But I need to know that you're all right.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

(Oh, shit.)

RINGING TONE

-Gillian?

-Is Raff with you?

He is, yeah.

Is he all right?

Yeah, he's absolutely fine.

-what's he said?

-Nothing.

-Well, can I talk to him?

-He's a bit busy at the minute. He's on the Xbox.

Yeah? Well, get him off the f...

And to be frank I don't think he'd want to talk with you. I don't know what's happened,

other than him fighting with that dickhead, but I assume something has.

I assume that he's finally seen the light and worked out what a mad bitch you are,

so you know, if he wants to move in here, that's fine by me.

-I'm not keeping him here by force.

-Don't you dare fill his head with rubbish about me.

-Will that be everything, then?

-You just tell him to ring me!

SHE SOBS

RINGING TONE

-Hello?

-John?

-Yeah?

-It's Gillian.

Alan's daughter.

Gillian.

Sorry I had to ring off this morning.

Only the boss were breathing down my neck and...

No, no, that's... I thought nothing of it.

Good, good.

-Good.

-So, how's things progressing?

Oh, she's having a little coven in the garden

with some insipid little witch that she works with.

Nice.

Lawrence says she's a lesbian. God knows why Caroline's invited her here.

You know what you said last night

about you having this affair with this...

..Judith?

Yeah? Well...

I did something similar and...

-You did?

-Yeah, a...

..stupid, stupid thing.

And Raff's found out, and that's what that fight was about,

and he's gone to live with Robbie.

That's his uncle, the policeman.

And he's a right bastard and...

SHE SOBS

Bollocks!

It was exactly the same when me and Richard got divorced.

Neither of us could afford to buy the other one out

so we had to sell up, split everything.

Right down the middle. Beautiful house we had.

It was heartbreaking.

But you find a way forward.

I'm going to have to get proper legal advice.

Yes, obviously. I don't know what I'm talking about.

-Don't you?

-I was being sarcastic. I just said I've been through exactly the same thing,

-but, yes, you should get proper legal advice.

-Why are you being so snippy?

-Why?

What?

My dad's got Alzheimer's. Did you know that?

God, I'm so sorry.

There's a million and one things you don't know about me, Caroline...

..cos you never ask, and I try not to inflict things on people

unless I think they're actually interested,

but I've never really had the impression that you were,

but you just take it for granted that I'll be interested in you.

-Don't you?

-You offered to come round.

Mm, but you rang me up.

-After you'd dumped me.

-Shh.

You rang me up expecting me to be sympathetic, which I am.

Not that it'll do me any good. And then you're like a man.

You just make this decision that I haven't got a clue

what I'm talking about even though I've been through it.

-I think you're overreacting. You're reading things...

-And then having a go at me last week

for talking to someone when I was upset about what had happened.

Someone who was sympathetic and interested.

Michael bloody Dobson? He tried to blackmail me.

-He didn't.

-You'd better go.

Am I being dismissed?

I shouldn't have rang you up. I'm sorry I did.

Don't say that.

I just want you to understand...

..the effect you have on me.

If you ring me, I'll run round here, even though I know you're not really interested in me.

I'm not...not interested in you.

I'm...

I don't know what I am. I...

You're right, I've never asked you anything about you,

and it's not because I don't...

It's because I'm selfish and hopeless...

..and you've been a really good friend, and I don't know how to be a good friend.

To anyone.

My parents never got on.

I grew up in a house on my own with these people

who never spoke to each other unless they had to,

and I thought that was normal.

And now she's met this bloke, this Alan, and he's a sweet man,

and he thinks the world of her, and she thinks the world of him,

and she's so different!

And I can't help wondering if she'd been in love with my dad

and he'd been in love with her...

..how different things would have been.

I don't know what normal relationships are like.

I see them, but I don't know how to do them.

So I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you or taken you for granted.

I will endeavour not to do that...

in the future.

Because I do value your friendship and...

..I'm sorry if I've never said or made that clear or done what...

..normal people do to express these things.

So, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I think you've got to give yourself a break, Gillian, I really do.

He's 16 years old. Give him a week.

Give him a week with Robbie's microwave cooking.

-Give Robbie a week with a bloody teenager in the house.

-You're right.

You know where he is. You know he's safe. OK, he's had a shock.

He's found out his mother has sex. Get over it.

-I know, I know.

-It's just life, you know?

And he has to realise that you have...

you know, just like everyone else does,

urges, feelings,

and when he's an adult, he'll get it.

He will not look back on you and make judgments.

He just needs a little bit of time. Step back from it, Gillian.

I know it's not easy.

He's your boy, but,

-if you can...

-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

Oh, kids.

Gosh.

So, how's things in the garden?

Oh, much the same.

LAUGHTER OUTSIDE

CHICKENS CLUCK

COCKEREL CROWS

COCKEREL CROWS

Oh, God!

Paul. Jesus. HE GROANS

-What's happened? Paul?

-What?

Who did this?

Who did it? Was it Raff?

Robbie?

HE GRUNTS

OK. Come on.

Let's get you inside.

HE GROANS AND SHE STRAINS

HE GROANS

HE YELLS

HE SOBS

GLASS CLINKS

SHE SIGHS

I think we should get you up to the Princess Royal.

I'll be all right.

What happened?

Darren and Gavin.

Hayley's brothers found out I'd been at it with you

so them and a couple of big bastards laid into me.

So, I...I guess the engagement's off, eh?!

You dirty sod.

They said they was going to pour petrol over me and set me on fire.

I believed them.

HE SOBS

SOBBING INTENSIFIES

Let Granny in.

Thanks.

-Morning!

-Hi.

-Just to let you know...

-Oh, you're very smart.

..me and Alan are popping over to Halifax

to look at possible venues for the wedding.

So I won't be here this evening. I'll be stopping over at Gillian's with Alan.

Right.

I'm sorry to pop over so early but you'll be going to work so...

-Brush your teeth.

-Where are my shoes?

Wherever you left them.

-DOOR SLAMS

-He's very nervous. He's got his first English paper.

He stopped over last night, Alan.

Yes, I assumed. I, um...saw the car.

He was going to sleep in the spare bedroom but...

I don't know, one thing led to another,

and I've got a double bed and we are getting married so...

we shared the same bed.

OK.

I don't know what people'll think.

-Well, good for you.

-I just thought, "What the hell?"

What people?

I don't care. Anyone.

Right.

As I say, it's not as though we're not getting married, cos we are, so...

So?

-You don't mind?

-Me? No.

No, of course not.

-So...

-It's great.

-I'm talking about sex.

-Yes, I realise that.

It was marvellous.

I'd forgotten.

I can be quite a romantic, when push comes to shove,

-not that your dad ever appreciated that.

-Oh, can you not just...?

-What?

-Well, it's...

-Oh. Have I embarrassed you?

I don't need to know. It's fine, it's fine.

Whatever you do, it's fine, it's good. You're adults. It's...

I thought you might be happy for me.

I am. I am!

I love you, you know.

I know you do.

HE TUTS AND SIGHS

I can't get through to our Gillian.

She's not answering her mobile or anything.

Can I get you some more tea?

No, no. No, no, I'm fine.

-Another egg?

-No, thanks.

Sorry, what did you say?

Something about Gillian?

SIREN WAILS

Right, where to?

I can't go home.

My dad's chucked me out and my mam says she never wants to clap eyes on me again.

I'm not giving you Raffy's room.

WHISPERS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-John? It's Judith.

-What do you want?

Er...I, um...

You shouldn't ring this number. What if Caroline had answered it?

Isn't she at work?

What do you want?

You couldn't lend me some money, could you?

It's just that the landlord's getting...unpleasant with me

about the rent arrears and...

You get benefits for that.

Yeah, yeah.

The thing is...

-I've spent it.

-(Oh, Jesus.)

And you don't want me turning up on your doorstep, do you?

I must have spent hours in here when I was a kid.

Yeah, so did I.

I always tried to, er...wangle it

so that we'd sit somewhere where I could gaze at you.

You didn't? You daft article.

You were the only thing that made it bearable.

I hated it, church.

I used to get so bored and miserable.

Yeah, well.

Mind you, it's better than all this happy-clappy stuff they have now.

-Mm?

-Do you want a mint?

-Is it? Why? At least with the happy-clappy stuff,

people actually look like they want to be there.

Well, it's not proper, is it?

They have pop songs at funerals now.

Yeah? So what?

Pop songs at funerals?

Religion when we were kids was all about control.

It was about the ruling classes being hand in glove with the Church

to keep the ordinary hard-working people terrified of having a mind of their own.

-Was it hell?!

-No, it was.

You think about it.

I won't get into a debate.

Why shouldn't you have a pop song at a funeral

if it's something that you've liked, something that's meant something to you?

Pop songs are for...for discos and pubs and social clubs.

In church you sing hymns.

Pop songs at funerals

are about ordinary folk celebrating whatever, in their own way,

not accepting what's inflicted on them by people in high places,

who just want to keep everybody frightened and miserable.

Well...

some people need people in high places to tell them what's what now and again.

You're going to tell me next you voted for Margaret Thatcher.

Well, you can't have liked Michael Foot?

In his anorak at the Cenotaph?

A very intelligent man, Michael Foot.

Oh, he can't have been that intelligent

or he wouldn't have gone around looking like a scarecrow.

-I didn't dislike Tony Blair...

-Oh!

..until he muckied his ticket in Iraq.

Now, Gordon Brown, there's a much-maligned man.

-Gordon Brown?

-Mm.

Trying to get everybody to like him, with his phoney grin?

And he's Scottish.

Now, there's an unassailable political argument!

Well, it hardly needs pointing out he buggered up the economy.

No, he didn't.

He did not. He had vision.

Oh, God. I can see this is a subject we're going to have to avoid.

-No, don't worry, I'll teach you.

-You damn well won't.

Yeah, we'll buy you a copy of the Guardian.

You can keep your Guardian.

I thought I spotted a Daily Mail lurking in your recycling bin.

-What's wrong with the Daily Mail?

-What's wrong with it?

What's right with it?

Do you know, I'd never have had you down for red-hot Labour.

I thought you had more about you.

Do you know, the good thing about David Cameron

is that even he knows he's an arse!

No, every time he opens his mouth, you can see him thinking,

"I was born an arse, I'll die an arse, but at least I know I'm an arse."

You've suddenly got very coarse, Mr Buttershaw.

So, what will you be walking down the aisle to, then? Mm?

Jerusalem? Rule Britannia?

HE CHUCKLES

The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba.

HE LAUGHS

What?

HE LAUGHS

What?

HE COUGHS AND LAUGHS

No, no, that's...

What?!

It's very appropriate!

Mm, I'd turn up for that.

I can see how I'm going to have to re-educate you, Alan Buttershaw.

Does that mean I get to choose the music we walk out to?

Hell, no.

It's become screamingly obvious

I can't trust you any further than I could chuck you.

Hey.

I forgot we're in church. We've been swearing like troopers.

Well, we'd better find t'vicar, then.

If this is what you want.

Well, not if you think I'm oppressing the masses.

Oh, it'll be worth oppressing the masses for half an hour or so

to see you arriving like the Queen of Sheba.

I hope it isn't a woman.

Who?

The vicar.

PAPERS RUSTLE

If you're insisting on a Saturday slot, you're looking at four...

..five months away.

-I think sooner rather than later.

-Mm.

Are either of you divorced?

-No.

-No, no.

Widowed.

And you're both regular churchgoers, obviously?

Well, we have been in the past.

Hm.

So, you're not regular churchgoers now?

Not... No.

When did you last go to church?

Er...Christmas?

19...oh, er...

77?

What about you,

-Mrs Dawson?

-About the same.

Mm.

So, why do you want God's blessing,

if you don't go to church?

I'm just interested.

We thought he might like the trade.

THEY LAUGH

Miserable bitch!

I mean, no wonder folk don't go.

Oh, we could live over t'brush.

Ah, but then you wouldn't be Mrs Buttershaw.

No, and I fancy having a do. I want to buy a hat.

Oh, we could find another vicar. I bet they're not all like that.

No, she's put me off. That's it, now, with me and the Church. End of.

Good night, Vienna. I've left the building.

Well, where would you like to get wed?

Cos, I mean, you can get wed anywhere now, you know.

Oh, somewhere classy.

Oh, yeah.

South Ouram Hall.

South Ouram Hall.

Oh, I used to love South Ouram Hall.

-Is it still there?

-Yeah, yeah, far as I know.

They've not mucked it up?

No, I think it's just as creepy as it ever were.

DOOR OPENS

-What's he doing here?

-It's my house.

Slapper.

THUNDER RUMBLES Yeah, whatever.

What do you mean? Is this what...?

You and him?

Right. I'm off upstairs to get the rest of my stuff.

I'll be outside.

You really do need your head examined.

HE SCOFFS

DOOR SHUTS

CROWS CAW AND THUNDER RUMBLES

Ah! Ah!

Oh! Oh!

-THUNDER RUMBLES

-Hello? Shop?

-What, nobody about?

-No, doesn't look like it.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

THUNDERCLAP

My cousin Alice saw a ghost here once.

-Where?

-Er...upstairs.

What was it like?

A woman.

THUNDERCLAP

Don't go.

I can't chuck him out. He's got nowhere else to go.

-I'll...I'll go.

-You can't! You... You can't.

HE SIGHS

DOOR SLAMS

Don't.

HE GROANS

CAR DRIVES OFF

THUNDER RUMBLES

I...I think it were this room.

Er...she came through that door.

She walked across here...

and disappeared through that wall.

Ooh.

THUNDERCLAP

THUNDER RUMBLES

Shall we go?

-Power cut.

-Let's go.

DOOR SLAMS

KEY TURNS IN LOCK

Oh!

RATTLING

-Hello?

-Is anybody there?

Hello?

-Hello?

-Telephone.

-I've got no reception.

-Neither have I.

THUNDER RUMBLES

THUNDERCLAP

THUNDERCLAP

GLASS SHATTERS

EXPLOSION

What the...

Oh... No...

Do you think anyone's realised that we're missing?

I just worry about my dad having his pills on him for his heart.

There's somebody up there.

How do you know he hasn't taken her to some hotel

for a wild night of nudge-nudge, wink-wink?

Where the hell are they?

-Why's the car there and them not in it?

-You still have to stay sober long enough

-to actually get it down in black and white.

-Piss off!

-Do you think they're dead?

-What were you doing with that dipstick?

-Did you torch my Land Rover?

-I'm not living with you while you're having it off with someone else.

-Well, you know where the door is.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd