Episode 4 Last Tango in Halifax

-Are you all right?

-I just have a heart condition.

If you ring me, I'll run round here even though I know you're not really interested.

'I'm not NOT interested.'

-Raff?

-'I assume he's seen the light, worked out what'

a mad bitch you are. If he wants to move in here, that's fine by me.

Don't you dare fill his head with rubbish about me.

-This marriage is over and I do not want to waste another...

-Silly bitch!

..second of my life pretending it's something worth saving!

HE GROANS

-What's he doing here?

-He's got nowhere else to go.

-What do you want?

-You couldn't lend me some money, could you?

Where would you like to get wed? You can get wed anywhere now, you know.

-Hello?

-Is anybody there?

Oh, no!

THUNDER RUMBLES RAIN POURS

It's all safe now. Why don't you get back in t'warm?

-We'll get off. Bye.

-Thanks.

THUNDER CONTINUES

'Hello, this is Alan Buttershaw. Please leave your message after the tone.'

BEEP

Dad, it's me...again, just to say...

SHE SIGHS

...where are you, basically, and did you get my last message,

about picking up a takeaway? Cos...

I've not been able to think about cooking with all this going on.

SHE SIGHS

Bye.

I so didn't need this happening right now.

You'll have to ring your insurance.

They'll give me about 50 quid for it.

How the hell am I going to buy another one?

You can use my car.

Thanks.

-How'd it start?

-Oh, they don't know - lightning...electrical fault...

You don't think someone torched it?

Like who?

Cresswells. Hailey's stupid brothers.

I wish me dad would get home.

They should've been here over an hour since.

Ooh!

D'you know, I've had some poor cards.

WIND HOWLS DOOR OPENS

Oh, there she goes again.

# With her 'ead...

CELIA JOINS IN: # ...tucked underneath her arm

# She walks the bloody tower! #

We're in here, love!

You're right, it'll be a draught.

House this size, this old, it'd be odd if it didn't creak and make a few noises.

Shall we make another expedition to t'water closet after this hand?

Mmm, can do.

I don't know why that telephone at reception won't work.

It's obviously connected.

I'm amazed we've not set off an alarm.

D'you think anyone's realised that we're missing?

DOOR OPENS

JOHN: She's just here, just now, let me ask her. Caroline...

-What's all this mess?

-Dad's cooking.

-How was your exam?

-Good...ish.

Answered everything?

-Mmm.

-No nasty surprises?

-Caroline, it's Gillian.

-Who?

Slightly concerned cos she was under the impression your mum and Alan

were due at hers and they've not turned up.

So? They're adults.

Yes, but she was expecting them at five.

She's cooking for them, and...

Do you want to talk to her?

Gillian, hi!

I was just ringing to see if they were with you, that's all.

-Er, no, their car's not here.

-They're not here, I just looked.

I got the idea they were leaving here first thing.

They did, I know. I...

I just wondered if they'd gone back to Harrogate for whatever reason.

I don't think so.

Has your mum got a mobile?

-Yes.

-Would you mind ringing her for me?

I don't mind 'em being late just so long as they're all right.

Sure. I'll get back to you, give me a minute.

-Thank you.

-'Bye.'

Bye-bye.

-Why is she ringing you on your mobile?

-Why? Well...

-'Hello, this is Celia...'

-Shush!

-'..Dawson. Please leave a message.'

'Thank you.'

Hi, Mum, it's me.

Can you give me a ring when you get this message, please? Thank you. Bye.

I, er, need Gillian's number.

07700 900 827.

I rang her to say thank you for letting me stay at her house after you drove off without me.

I got her number from Alan when he drove me over here.

And you saved it.

-Well, yes, not, not, not...

-You're transparent.

'Hello?'

Gillian, hi. I'm just getting voice mail.

-'OK.'

-I'm sure they'll turn up.

I just worry about me dad having his pills on him, you know...

..for his heart.

Oh, God, yeah, of course.

'And he wouldn't not ring if he knew he was going to be late,

'when he knew I was cooking for 'em.'

He's just...

He's polite, he's thoughtful.

Has he any friends or relatives they might have visited?

Yeah. Yeah, I just thought I'd try you first.

I'll keep trying her number.

Thanks.

-'Will you ring me?'

-Course.

-OK, bye.

-They've probably just got carried away

doing something and forgotten to look at the clock.

-Yeah, whatever.

-I'm cooking.

Not for me. I don't want your filth.

-You see, that's just...

-I have a timetable. I know what I'm cooking, when.

That's the way you organise yourself when you have two strapping teenagers,

a demanding, time-consuming, full-time job,

and a husband who dumps you for an alcoholic.

-What's happening with Granny?

-Oh, er...

Her and Alan haven't turned up at Gillian's when they're supposed to,

and...she's, er...

worried about where they are.

I'll get changed.

RAIN POURS

TOILET FLUSHES

Ee, it's got a grand flush, that toilet.

They built things properly, didn't they, the Victorians?

Well, strictly speaking, it's Georgian.

1836, North Tower were completed -

year before Victoria ascended t'throne.

-Oh, very good.

-"Main body of the house..."

Here, I didn't know it were this old - dates back to 1514!

Oh, fancy!

Yeah, it's a good job we didn't try smashing a window.

Stained glass is original medieval - it's unique, it's priceless.

Heck!

CREAKING

There she blows. I wish she wouldn't.

We're in t'cludgie, missus!

THEY LAUGH

DOOR OPENS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

There's somebody up there.

Hello!

FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE

-Oh, shit!

-No, no, no, we're all right.

What are we going to do?

Hello!

We're going to go back up to t'bedroom...

...and shut t'door...and play cards.

Hello!

We got shut in! We're not burglars! We're pensioners!

Hello!

DOOR CREAKS SHUT

What was that?

Nothing.

It's nothing.

Are you all right? Gillian?

I just want to know that he's all right, that's all.

PHONE RINGS

-Who were that?

-Her.

-Your mother.

-Who else?

Mad bitch!

Paul Jatri.

-I know!

-Paul bloody Jatri!

-I know!

-Why?

God knows.

No, really...you know, why?

You're asking t'wrong person.

Apart from t'fact that he's engaged to Neil Cresswell's lass,

he's got a mental age of a blancmange. He's retarded.

Well, probably not his brain she's bothering with him for, is it?

-Bloody screw loose, I tell you, she always has had.

-Yeah, all right!

All right.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Right, I'm going to drive over to Halifax.

Really?

Yeah. Why don't I give it till nine o'clock?

Yep, I'll give it till nine and if we still haven't heard anything, I'll...

-Do you want me to come with you, Mum?

-No, no, you've got school tomorrow.

SPORTS COMMENTARY ON TV

PHONE RINGS

Hello!

Robbie, it's Gillian.

Yeah, I thought it might be.

Me dad hasn't turned up... when he was supposed to,

couple of hours ago now, and I wanted to know if Raff had seen him

or had a phone call from him or anything.

-'Is he there?'

-Is that the best you can do?

-I'm sorry?

-'Excuses for ringing up.'

-SHE SIGHS

-I'm not mucking about, Robbie. He's got his heart problem.

I just want to know if Raff's heard from him. It's that simple.

-Raff?

-Mmm?

Come on, summat about your granddad.

-HE SIGHS

-What d'you want?

Have you heard from Granddad at all this evening?

-'No.'

-He's not rung you, or...?

Why?

'Because I was expecting him at five for tea -

'him and Celia -'

and they've not turned up.

-Where were they last time you spoke?

-In a cafe in Elland,

-'two o'clock.'

-Have you tried ringing him since?

Course I've...!

I'm ringing him every ten minutes.

'So... Well, what are you going to do?'

-SHE SIGHS

-I'll have to ring round the hospitals, won't I?

Well, do you want me to do owt?

No.

Do you want me to go looking for him?

No.

Do you want me to come over?

If you want.

Is that twat still lying on our settee?

-SHE SIGHS

-If you want to come over and help me think about what to do next,

'you'd be very welcome.'

Have you done your homework?

DOOR CREAKS

-We should sue.

-You what?

In the morning, when we get out of this godforsaken hole, we should sue.

This is entrapment. Well, negligence.

-I mean, what if someone...?

-HE GROANS

-Have you got your pills?

-I'll be reet.

Come on, get in.

HE GROANS

Happen they weren't footsteps.

Happen...just sounds a house makes.

A house this old, this big,

-can sound like...

-Yeah.

..anything, anything you want it to sound like.

-I don't believe in ghosts.

-Neither do I.

I think once you've cashed your chips - pfft! - that's it.

Yeah...

...although...

What?

I've always thought there's more between heaven and earth

than any of us ever know about.

Oh, well...

Aye.

Was that...candle on that table...before?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Have they turned up?

No, they haven't. You don't have to knock, you know, you can just come in.

Come in!

-What happened to t'Land Rover?

-Blew up.

-How?

-Lightning, electrical fault...

-or someone torched it.

-Torched it?!

-When?

-Just after you left.

It were probably lightning.

-Well, how are you going to manage...?

-I'll manage.

Robbie thought we should come over, help look for me granddad.

Did he? Right, well...

thanks.

-Have you reported it to t'police?

-No.

CAR APPROACHES Is that them?

Is it?

Doesn't look like.

-It's Harry and Maurice.

-Your granddad's buddies.

Do you think it's that serious? Do you think I should report it to the police?

-It's up to you.

-I'm asking your advice.

Well, you can report it any time you like.

There's a legitimate cause for concern cos of his heart condition.

-Oh, God.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

D'you wanna...?

You all right, love?

I rang Silly Bugger but he's not heard owt from 'em either.

Good evening, Gillian. I'm sure there's a perfectly simple explanation.

You'd hope so, wouldn't you?

Cavalry's arrived.

-Tell you what.

-What?

It's raining.

-You all right, Raff, lad?

-Not so bad.

My God! What's happened to him?

Eh?

-You all right, love?

-Er...

So, what's the latest, Gillian?

I've run round the hospitals, but of course that doesn't mean

they haven't gone off the side of the road somewhere up in t'wilds, but...

Nay, they'll be right.

How do you know he hasn't taken her to some hotel somewhere

for a wild night of nudge-nudge wink-wink?

It's all he thinks about.

Is it 'ell.

I don't know, that, Harry, I just... I think he'd have rung me.

So, at what stage do we report it to the police?

-Well, Robbie's...

-I've told her any time.

Given his, er...

I thought I'd leave it while 11, and then...

Nay. Get 'em rung.

Well, I don't want to...overreact.

You don't want to think the worst. That's the thing.

But...given his...

They'll be grateful, t'police - probably got bugger all else to do.

Don't look at me like that. I tell it like it is.

Well, I would, but he has, on occasion, been out supping with you lot all hours

before now, then turned up talking gibberish

with his trouser legs rolled up and his coat on inside out.

Yes, well, that was...unfortunate.

It were his birthday! What's up with you?

Missing? No, just not turned up when they were supposed to.

So, well, where do you think they are?

I've got no idea! Nobody does, that's...

I'm sorry, Kate. I'm just...

Wound up? Course you are. That's all right.

I'm sure she's absolutely...

Course. Of course.

She doesn't go out after dark, as a rule, though, that's the thing.

Her eyes aren't what they were, and...

There'll be an explanation.

Listen, ring me if there's anything I can do.

Or if you just want to talk to someone.

What were you ringing me for?

Oh!

It doesn't seem so important now.

Just...you said we should go away.

'For the weekend.

'Together, somewhere, possibly.

'And I wanted to know if you meant it, and if you did,'

if I should fix something up.

Can we talk about it later?

Yeah, of course.

-Hi. Is there any news?

-Me mum's through there with Robbie talking to a uniform.

Are you Celia's lass?

Yes, that's...

Harry Wallace.

This is Maurice Price.

-They're me granddad's pals.

-Ah.

-I hope your mother's not been leading him astray.

-Been...?

Shut up. Lass is worried.

She knows I'm joking.

I understand you're a doctor!

I'm... Yeah.

Is she?

Will you look at my foot?

-Put your foot away.

-I've got poor circulation.

I'm not a medical doctor.

-What then, then?

-Chemistry.

Chemistry, can they do that?

Ignore him.

He's rural.

-I've a hernia as well.

-I

-think it's a hernia. Do you want to have a look?

It's not really my...

-Do we know what's happening?

-There's been no developments.

Why don't you sit down, love?

Chemistry.

Margaret Thatcher read chemistry at Oxford.

Yes, well, I was in a different college.

Yeah, and I'd be apologising an' all.

-What's happened?

-Nothing. Nothing.

It were just, like I said on t'phone, we decided there was nothing to lose,

reporting 'em missing sooner rather than later, so....

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. Yeah. Are you?

Yeah.

They've taken a description, and they can...

-What are they going to do, Robbie?

-Check when the bank cards were last used,

when their mobiles were last used. And then we'll run

-an ANPR check on their vehicle.

-What's that?

-Double Dutch.

-It's like vehicle plate recognition.

We can see where they were last picked up on cameras. See where they were heading.

-So when will we know anything?

-As soon as we get authority from upstairs to pursue it.

The lad that we spoke to is going straight up to see t'Super, so...

Best thing we can...

They said best thing we can do is go home.

They'll ring us when they know owt.

Why don't you go home, lads?

I'll ring you if I need you. If there's any news.

'Hello, this is Celia Dawson. Please leave...'

Who IS that?

Paul...Jatri.

He's an idiot.

Paul Jat...? Is that the bloke you...?

Yeah. But I didn't do that to him.

I just bruised him.

That was somebody else.

Right.

He's not popular.

So what's... What's he doing here?

That's a good question.

Don't ask.

(What were you doing with that dipstick?)

Don't start on me, I've enough on.

I just...

What I do is...

You think I'm going to be a nun?

-No! No.

-Eddie's been dead for ten years.

D'you seriously think I haven't slept with other people since then?

I just... What's it to you?

I'm sorry.

About all the unpleasantness there's been between us.

Unpleasantness?

Trying to convince people that I've got a screw loose?

-That I murdered my own husband? Trying to make Raffy believe that?

-I was lashing out.

-For ten years?

-I'm sorry.

I just think...

...you let yourself down.

Bothering with a streak of...whatever, like him.

You're better than that.

I thought...

...after Eddie died, you of all people

would help me, support me.

Shit, I was wrong, wasn't it?

D'you think I'm going to forget what you tried to do to me?

What you put me through?

We could make an all-right team.

You, me, an' Raff, couldn't we?

Did you torch my Land Rover?

No!

If the Cresswells did, I will...

I'll get 'em.

That's...

Um...

I'm appreciating the apology, Robbie.

It's fine.

Go to bed.

I'll let you know the second we hear owt.

There's nowt any of us can do.

Go shut your eyes at least, you've got school tomorrow.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Oh, yeah.

4.32, right.

Towards Bradford?!

Godley Lane?

He doesn't know anybody over that way.

Hang on a minute.

They were caught on camera, or their registration number was.

Driving up Godley Lane, the other side of Halifax, towards Bradford.

No further sightings. Right. So you're...?

They're concentrating on that area round there initially.

What is there around there?

There's nothing, there's Southowram Hall, that's about it.

-MUMBLING: You can get married at Southowram Hall.

-What's he said?

He said you can get married at Southowram Hall.

They were looking for a wedding venue.

TV PLAYS

Are you and Mum still getting divorced then now, or what?

Oh, well...

I'm afraid I don't know.

Can't you win her round?

Can't you...buy her some flowers or something?

Well, I had. Almost.

-Won her round. I think.

-And then...

-Don't you blame me.

-I wasn't!

I wasn't.

Although you did get the wrong end of the stick.

Yeah, well, if you hadn't started seeing that...bitch in the first place,

there wouldn't be any wrong end of any sticks for anybody to get hold of, would there?

-Yeah, fine. Are we really going to argue about this now?

-The point is, you're not seeing Judith any more,

so you don't need to get divorced any more.

No, the point is, she can't trust him any more, any further than she can throw him.

So it's not just as naive and dumb as saying, "Can't you buy her some flowers?!"

-Piss off!

-Yeah, well, grow up!

-You grow up!

-Just calm down. Stop it! Stop it.

We're all worried about Gran, and this isn't a good way to...

HE SNIFFS

I'm sure me and Mum can sort things out.

These things take time, sometimes, that's all.

And a bit of goodwill.

I'm sorry I inflicted my husband on you the other day.

Oh, well, don't apologise.

I'm sorry my son got arrested in front of you all...

by his own...

uncle.

So he... Raff beat up the bloke that's lying on your couch.

Yeah. Yeah, he...

He's Paul. He's...

We're friends, me and Paul,

and Raff got it into his head that we were more than friends

and he didn't like that. So he...

-Then someone else beat him up even more?

-Yeah.

His girlfriend's brothers got wind of what'd been said,

and, well, they're a pretty unpleasant lot.

-Oh...

-He's got broken limbs because of some misunderstanding?

So, has everything settled down?

Then? Now? Er, at your end?

Or...?

Oh! Er...

Me and John.

Yeah.

It's beyond that.

What did he tell you?

Oh, that, er...

SHE CLEARS THROAT

...he'd had a fling,

and...

Yeah, that he wished he hadn't.

-Really?

-Mmm.

-And that he wanted just to...

...get back with you.

Well, he'd do it again tomorrow if he met someone else he wanted to do it with.

That's how sorry he is.

Are you all right?

Tired.

Where the hell are they?!

Sorry.

I'm sorry. That helps no-one.

-No, you're all right. You're worried. Have a drop of brandy.

-Yes, actually.

It wasn't, er, a misunderstanding.

I...

I don't know. I don't even know why I'm telling you.

Except that Raff doesn't generally behave like that.

He's... He's not a thug. He's a grand lad.

Better than I deserve.

He's like my dad.

He's got a big streak

of something very decent etched right through him.

And I haven't.

I'm a mess.

Well, you know that.

Put your finger on it the first time you met me.

I shouldn't have said that. It was stupid. I didn't mean it, it was...

I've been...

I've been depressed.

For months.

Bottling things up and then...

it comes out, and you say things - silly, nasty, stupid things,

things you don't even mean, and it's since...

It's since...

I feel like I'm only just holding my job down, most days,

and that's...

It's terrifying.

Sorry, you don't need to know that, either.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

They've found the car.

In the car park above Southowram Hall in Cumbry Wood.

But not them?

Hello?

We're turning a good number of officers out now.

Is there anywhere at all in the vicinity

where you think they're most likely to have gone?

-Can I help you?

-I'm the curator. Your sergeant rang me.

I got here as soon as I could. Two pensioners?

-Are you the key holder, sir?

-One of them.

I can open up for you, you're more than welcome, but we weren't open yesterday.

We don't open on a Monday. We've had no visitors since Sunday.

Can I ask, has either of them been depressed at all lately?

No! Not at all!

Completely the opposite! They're in love with each other.

They've never been happier!

Right, that's it. Summat weird's happening.

Why's the car there and them not in it?

And asking me if either of them has been depressed lately?

They're just trying to rule things out, Gillian. It's routine.

They're just trying to think of the best way forward.

There's nothing sinister about it. He doesn't know 'em like you do.

He's just trying to build up a picture. He's just doing his job.

-Do you want to drive over there?

-I wouldn't.

Honestly, you're best off here, in t'warm.

You're only going to wind yourselves up even more if you go over there.

Let them get on with it. They know what they're doing.

Look, stuff like this happens... every week.

It's not unusual.

Nine times out of ten, there's a perfectly...

Well, not necessarily a rational explanation, but there's an explanation.

People turn up right as rain. They're often embarrassed there's been such a fuss!

I just hope he's warm somewhere.

-Not out in this.

-Why don't

-I

-go over there?

I might find summat out. And I can keep you up to date better.

Do you want to?

Yeah.

It's very nice, waking up to this every morning.

Well, yeah.

In summer.

Me dad...

...was saying, how would you feel if Celia came to live with us here?

He was just speculating. I don't think they've made a decision.

And I said I'd be delighted, but I don't know how she'd go on in winter.

Wind can knock you over.

We had eight-foot snowdrifts last year.

No, I can't quite picture her milking cows.

I don't have any cows.

Just sheep.

I always wanted a farm.

I don't know why. I wasn't born into it.

-Was your husband?

-God, no!

Biking and boozing were his two big career choices.

It was me that did all the wheeling and dealing and finding out.

He liked it. Well, he loved it. But...

Where is he?

Dead.

Ten years, this next time.

What happened?

Smashed his skull with a log splitter.

-Oh!

-In t'barn.

Jesus.

Bled to death.

Which was just as well.

He'd have had brain damage if he'd survived.

I found him. That was pleasant!

Was it an accident?

No.

Oh, eh.

Sorry.

-Do you think they're dead?

-No.

No, I don't think we should assume that.

He loves her, you know. So much.

-He's...

-It's beautiful.

It's extraordinary.

Whatever has happened, he'll be looking after her.

I know that.

I know.

It's bothered me, though.

That thing about me mother...

not passing on that message to him.

From your mum.

Because, you know, I suppose...

..you want to be able to think that she'd have been happy for him.

Meeting up with Celia after all this time.

He's been so...

..happy.

But maybe she wouldn't have been.

She were jealous enough to stop 'em getting together in t'first place.

Maybe she'd have been really...!

She was a teenager when she did that.

She was the same age Raff is now - nobody can hold that against her.

But she deceived him...

...all their lives.

And he's only just found out.

And I think it's upset him.

-He hasn't said owt.

-No.

If your dad hadn't married your mum, and my mum hadn't married my dad,

-neither of us would be here, so...

-Or we could've been sisters.

-Yeah, well that would have been a...

-Disaster.

THEY LAUGH

I think we should be very grateful to your mum on the quiet for doing what she did.

Yeah.

-Your parents were happy, weren't they?

-Yeah, yeah!

Well, then!

They always seemed to be.

Weren't yours?

Well...

that's what's so odd.

She's suddenly such a different person to the one I've known for the last 45 years.

It's suddenly like she's alive, like I've never seen her before.

LOCKS AND DOORS CLICK

DISTANT VOICES

Celia? Celia!

Oh, I've been asleep.

Ssh! Ssh!

What time is it?

Oh, it's twenty to eight!

Oh, it's never!

It is!

Oh! Ooh, I'm stiff!

Yeah.

Come on.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

I think so.

Are you?

Oh, I've no idea!

I'm sure I shut that door before we got back into bed.

Oh, let's get out of here.

I'm not optimistic. Both in their 70s,

-out all night.

-Hello!

-We've been shut in!

-Are you in charge?

-I, er...

-We took some chocolate, we had to.

I've left a £5 note by the till.

-Are you all right?

-And I made the bed.

-You should have rung for help.

-We couldn't make it work!

-And you can't get a signal on t'mobile!

-You've to ring 9 for an outside line.

Well, you should have it written by the phone on a bit of card,

-then folk would know.

-We weren't open yesterday.

-That door was.

-We had a delivery...

-About half past fourish?

-Oh, my God!

We waited to buy tickets.

Only nobody came, so we wandered through there, looking for somebody.

-Yeah, and then we heard the door slam.

-And that was that.

I'm amazed we didn't set t'alarm off.

Oh, bloody hell.

You couldn't get us an outside line right now, could you?

Only there'll be people wondering where the heck we are!

Yeah. There are.

Half of West Yorkshire Police are out looking for you!

JOHN: 'What are you going to do about work?'

I've spoken to the deputy heads. They can keep things afloat without me for as long as, um...

I thought we'd know something by now.

-How are the boys?

-I'm not sending Lawrence to school.

William's not got any exams today anyway, but neither of them slept a wink.

-'Well, none of us have.'

-It's fine.

-PHONE RINGS

-Fine.

Hello! Granddad!

Oh, my God!

Are you both all right?

Mrs... Dr? Caroline's here. She's been here all night with...

-Can I talk to her?

-She wants to talk to Celia.

Mum?

-Gillian!

-Mum!

Gillian! Gillian!

They're fine. They're fine! They're absolutely fine.

They got shut inside Southowram Hall.

They've been playing cards and eating chocolate!

-Shut in?!

-Yeah!

Didn't t'police think to look in there first?!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, I'll kill him!

Dozy...!

Only he could go getting himself in a...!

GILLIAN LAUGHS

Oh!

OK, so, school.

Mum says you don't have to go, so I suggest bed, day off, Xbox, possibly.

-Yes!

-Go for it. Not you, obviously.

You have to revise.

I, sadly, have to go to the supermarket.

-HE GROANS

-You'll be better off upstairs, out of t'way.

-Where will you sleep?

-On t'settee.

I'll hide your car in t'barn, then if anybody comes looking for you...

No, no, no.

THEY GROAN AND GASP

..I'll tell 'em you're not here.

-SHE EXHALES

-OK?

THEY GASP AND GROAN

OK.

Right...

you...keep it quiet till I've had a chance to explain to me dad

what the bloody hell you're doing here.

-Then...

-Ow!

..when I have, I don't want any vulgar comments

of any description in front of Celia!

Is that absolutely understood?

Cos you'll be out on your arse if you do, faster than you can say "compound fracture".

Now, is there anything I've said you're having trouble with?

HE GROANS Have you got me painkillers?

I'll get you some water.

I wish I'd have thought to stick him in here sooner.

-RAFF:

-Mum, they're here!

->

-What happened?!

-Oh!

-Shouldn't you be at work?

-Yes.

-Hey, whose car is that?

-We had a full house last night trying to work out where the hell you were.

Hey! Is that our Land Rover?!

It was hit by lightning.

-Are you all right?

-Stiff, cold and muzzy-headed.

I hope the police gave whoever locked you in a rocket up their...

ROBBIE: Oh, that's guaranteed.

-We thought you'd eloped!

-Eh, that's a good idea.

Are you hungry?

Oh, a nice cup of tea with a bit of sugar, I think.

-Oh, we can do tea!

-And he needs his pills!

Hey, whose car did you say that were?

Oh, it's, um... It's Paul Jatri's.

-Paul Jatri?

-Yeah!

Yeah, he's... I'll get t'kettle on.

How do you feel?

Oh, like puke warmed up, to quote our Lawrence.

-Hi.

-Ah.

Sorry about this.

Two months' rent.

You really are very kind.

John? Are you all right?

Oh, didn't get much sleep last night.

God, I didn't mean for you to get panicky! I'm not blackmailing you!

-My mother-in-law went missing.

-Oh.

-Is she...?

-Fine. She's fine.

She's absolutely fine.

Oh, well, that's...good.

I was thinking of asking Tim Hoskins if I could have my old job back

at the university library.

Judith, it was Tim Hoskins who asked you to leave.

Yes, I know, but I thought, if you could put a word in for me,

if you told him that I'm getting better

and I'm dealing with it and...

I imagine he's replaced you by now.

Yes, but next time there's a vacancy.

Judith, no!

I'm going to tell Caroline I've given you that money, all right?

And please, don't ask me for any more. I think as regards employment,

-you're going to have to set your sights on something more realistic.

-For "realistic", read "menial"?!

-You WERE going to introduce me to your publisher!

-Have you got anything finished to show him?

I've written another chapter, that's four!

-Judith, I've explained this. No-one's going to publish a few chapters.

-I know that!

And no-one's going to advance you some money on the strength of them.

Again, we come back to living in the real world!

Oh, you're a patronising...!

No, Judith, I'm telling it to you like it is.

It's possibly time someone did.

-You used to say I had a potential as a novelist.

-Yes, I did!

You still have to put the hours in!

You still have to stay sober long enough to actually get it down in black and white!

You can't make a career and a living out of potential!

You've got to take it to the next level.

If you ever understand what I'm saying, and simply got on with it, you'd probably thank me in the end.

-As it is...

-Piss off!

Exactly.

If... If I ever did think you were genuinely making an effort, I hope -

I HOPE - I would help you.

As it is, that's it now.

We should sue!

I mean, you lot have been worried out of your minds.

Me and Alan's traumatised. It's negligence!

But they've offered you the venue free of charge for the wedding?

-Mm-hm.

-Well, you can't accept that and sue them, can you?

Well, no.

And it is very classy.

There can't be so many can afford to get married there.

And it would be one in the eye for the church!

We got turned down! Did I tell you?

I mean, can you believe it?!

The hours me and Alan have sat suffering in that church when we were kids.

And now we don't even qualify to get wed in it!

It's criminal!

You've been having a fling with Paul Jatri?!

-Can you believe it?

-Oh, he's only 15!

No, Dad, that would be illegal. He's 22.

Yeah, and you're 45! Have you looked in t'mirror lately?

-It wasn't a fling! It was just...

-HE LAUGHS

It's not funny. It's a mess! That's why clever beggar got arrested!

And then Paul's girlfriend got wind of it and...

He's got a girlfriend?!

He's engaged to Neil Creswell's lass!

Her brothers have done him over even worse! A hell of a lot worse!

Then there's my Land...

That's why he's upstairs in my bed

with a broken leg, a bust jaw, three cracked ribs

and the fingers on one hand all smashed to...buggery!

-Can you believe it?

-He's got nowhere else to go!

You always did pick 'em!

I've made it clear to him, he hasn't...

to do or say anything crude or provocative in front of Celia,

which I don't think he will.

-He's not capable at the minute.

-Oh, it's your house.

Don't say that, Granddad! Tell her to chuck him out!

You're not really stopping with Robbie?

Well...well, why would I want to be here?

I don't mind her having a boyfriend, but why can't she pick somebody who A - isn't a dickhead,

B - isn't 300 years younger than she is, and C - wasn't engaged to somebody else!

So I'm not perfect! I'm amazed this is news to you!

-Have I ever claimed to be?!

-HE SIGHS

Oh!

Fella that's engaged!

Yes! All right! So crucify me!

Are you all right?

I might pop down to t'surgery in the next few days.

Make a little appointment, just have a little check-up.

-Are you...?

-No, it's nowt...

It's a twinge.

-Once or twice last night.

-I'll ring up now.

-No, no, I'll ring.

-I'll ring.

-I'll...wait, while it's quieter.

-Dad.

-It's nowt.

It's... It's stress.

Last night, it was stressful.

I'm fine. I am.

I've never been happier!

HE CHUCKLES That's better than any medicine.

You didn't have your pills on you last night, did you?

-No...but I've taken them now.

-When will you learn? You've got to take them with you, wherever you go.

Especially now with all of these... shenanigans

-you've started getting into... Up to.

-Right, well, I will.

-Promise me.

-I promise.

And bugger popping down in t'next few days. You're ringing now,

-as soon as everyone's gone.

-All right.

No. Right, as in...?

Yes, right as in right.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm going to get off. I ought to try and get into work this afternoon.

-I'll look after 'em.

-You take care of yourself.

Yeah, I will. And you.

Don't be depressed.

It's a waste of time.

Just move on.

It's easier said than done, I know.

-Good luck with, um...

-Yeah, well. We'll see.

Drive safely!

-I'll drop him off at school.

-Will you be able to stay awake?

Thank you...Robbie.

-I'm running you a nice, hot bath.

-Oh!

I put you some bubbles in.

-Aw.

-Do you like bubbles?

-I love bubbles.

-It'll warm you through.

It will.

Well, I say a nice hot bath - it generally takes half an hour to fill,

by which time, it's slightly cooler, but...

It'll be lovely.

And we've got plenty towels.

-Good.

-I've put you two over t'radiator

and I've set you up a little radio next to t'bath.

I'll put it on Radio 2.

It is Radio 2 you like?

I love Radio 2!

Can I make you some more tea?

No! I'm all tea-ed out.

I'll make you a nice pot of coffee!

Then you can step out of the bath and have a cup of hot coffee!

You're spoiling me.

Yeah, well...

that's t'plan.

So you'd better get used to it...

Mrs Buttershaw!

Because that's the way it's going to be from now on!

Right.

Hi.

-Hi.

-You must be exhausted.

Did you send the boys to school?

No, they're both asleep in front of the telly. How's Celia?

Fine!

A bit - I don't know - wobbly.

Shock, probably.

She wanted to stay over there, so...

It's a weird thing to happen.

Can I make you some coffee?

Um...

No, thank you.

I'm going to go to sleep for a bit, then I might...try and go into work.

Oh, surely no-one's going to expect you in today.

-Could I...?

-What?

I wanted to say something, tell you something.

What?

I hate what's gone wrong between us.

I don't know if you're ever going to forgive me,

but I made this deal with myself that I would never lie to you ever again.

Or deceive you in any way, shape or form,

in the hope that one day, you would possibly...

So, I want you to know that purely because I felt responsible,

guilty, God knows...

sorry for her,

because she's so...pathetic, I lent -

gave - Judith some money for her rent.

-When?!

-This morning, but I've made it clear to her there's no more where that came from.

And - and - I've told her that I'd be telling you all about it.

She rang up begging,

begging!

She's got almost no... grasp on the realities of life.

Aww. Poor bitch.

I wish she didn't exist.

Which is a terrible thing to say about someone.

-I've been thinking.

-Yeah?

This can work here. We can be civil, can't we, for the boys?

And like you said, there's room for everyone.

-Sure.

-So?

I'm seeing someone.

-Y-Y-Y...

-Mmm.

-You are?

-Mmm.

You? Who?

-When?

-It's not...

I don't know if it's what I want entirely yet, but...

I won't know if I don't try.

Who?

-Someone.

-Who?!

-It doesn't matter!

-Matters to me!

-I'm not going to tell you who it is, John, so...

-SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Someone at work?

-Possibly. Possibly not.

-It is!

-You may think that.

I couldn't possibly comment.

-Who?

-I'm going to bed.

-Who?!

-John!

-Who?!

-That's the deal!

Hang on, I'm not living under the same roof as you

while you're having it off with someone else!

Well, you know where the door is.

Are you lying, Caroline? Are you lying?!

-I don't do lies!

-Well, who is it then?!

-No-one!

-Why's it a secret?!

Because I don't want to have to listen to any of your opinions

and comments and inane bloody rubbish.

So it's someone I know!

Maybe, maybe not!

-What's going on?!

-Nothing.

Hi, kids!

-DOOR SLAMS

-What's up?

-She's...

-What?

Seeing someone.

-Mum?

-Yes.

-Mum?!

-Yes!

-Who?

-Some... I don't know!

Does she bother with anyone in particular at school?

No. Don't be stupid!

Caroline!

Caroline!

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR Caroline!

Come on! Open the door!

-Where've you been?

-Where haven't I?

-You're not moving him in here.

I'm glad we...talked.

Do you fancy going out for a meal some time?

-Keep having adventures!

-ALL: We're up Soyland!

I've been used.

-Judith?

-Yeah.

-Mind where you're...

-..to the back teeth of him.

-You're not leaving him here!

It's your fault he's in this mess.

Hey! You're not dead, then.

-Have you thought about a best man?

-I've never been a best man.

Oh, I haven't a clue where John is.

-Celia!

-Oh, God!

-What's happened?!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd