Episode 5 Last Tango in Halifax

Where would you like to get wed, you can get wed anywhere now.

We got shut in. We're not burglars, we're pensioners.

Where the hell are they?

-Whatever has happened, he'll be looking after her.

-I know that.

Do you think they're dead?

You couldn't lend me some money, could you?

Two months rent, that's it now.

-Gillian, they're fine.

-They've been playing cards and eating chocolate.

Dozy...!

Do you seriously think I haven't slept with other people?

What are you doing with that dipstick? We make an all right team,

you, me and Raff, couldn't we?

I'm seeing someone. I don't know if it's what I want entirely yet.

-Someone at work?

-I won't know if I don't try.

-Who is it then?

-No-one.

-Why is it a secret?

WHISTLE BLOWS AND CHILDREN SHOUT

Kate, hello.

Are you teaching?

Good.

Could you come to my office?

Yes, now, would you mind?

Caroline! We weren't expecting you.

How's your mum?

Fine. Yes.

Is she traumatised?

Um...

..don't know.

I, um...I don't think so. I was,

I feel all, um...

something else now.

Exhilarated.

Shock, possibly.

Can I get you some tea? I think Alison's just made a pot.

Oh, has she? Oh, good. Um, yes. Thank you.

What?

-Oh...

-Oh...

I, um...told John.

-About us?

-God, it felt good.

Better, um...tuck that back in.

Beverley'll be in any minute with the tea.

Oh, good.

Caroline...do you...

do you want to come round tonight?

Yup.

So presumably your mum...

-Turned up, she's fine.

-You all right?

I was awake all night, came home, went to bed, couldn't sleep,

so I think I'm a bit, um...wired?

-Is that a word?

-It's...

Yes, it's a very good word.

You're very pretty.

-Am I?

-Mmm.

You're magnificent.

SHE SIGHS

SHE WHISPERS

Wouldn't that be technically difficult?

Sure we'll think of something.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

-Tea!

-Ah! Thank you.

Kate, can I get you one? I should have asked.

No. Thanks, I'm...

I rearranged your meeting with the chairman of the board of governors at two.

Should I see if he's still able to make it?

Um...

yup, if he's, um...still available.

Have you had any lunch?

-Nope.

-Can I get you some?

No. Well, maybe, in a bit.

CRIES

You really all right?

Caroline.

I thought she was dead last night.

I thought they both were.

And there was this one moment when I thought...

that's it.

And I couldn't stand it because I thought, "How unfair would that be,

"to have met this one person again after all these years, and then died."

I'm sitting on the floor in my own office.

Yeah, I'd spotted that.

It's the relief, is it?

Do you think maybe you should be at home after all?

No.

I'll see Gavin at two and then I might as well wait till quarter past three.

Will you be at home by four o'clock?

I can be.

We escaped.

We did!

We keep having adventures.

We do!

I didn't have much in the way of adventures until I met you.

Eh, eh, eh! You needn't look at me.

-It's you that gets us into these shenanigans.

-Hardly!

-Well, it were your idea, going up Southowram.

-Was it?

You...

-Oh. OK.

-HE SNIGGERS

It's odd. Weren't it? That...well, whatever it were last night.

There were a distinct presence, weren't there?

I just can't shake it off.

Well, we're here now.

Aren't we?

-Back in the land of the living.

-So...

You know...

I told you about when Eddie died?

Yeah.

-How he killed himself?

-Yeah.

Well, there were a bit more to it than I'd said, and...

I think it's summat I ought to tell you about.

Before we get wed.

What? DOOR OPENS

Unh! Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, hell's bells.

Who is he when he's at home?

-Ouch!

-Do you know him?

-Yes.

-Are you going to introduce us?

Right, well, that is Paul.

Hello, Mr Buttershaw.

This is Celia.

You all right, love?

-You've been in the wars.

-Yeah.

Oh!

Tell me about it.

Paul? Gi... Oh.

Ah. Is it all right if I put t'kettle on, Mr Buttershaw?

Only I'm supposed to keep me fluids up and I think Gillian's forgot.

KNOCKING

See, somebody at the door now. What were you going to tell me?

I'll... Later.

Ah...

Oh! Ah.

Do you need a hand up?

Hey! You're not dead, then. How's Celia?

Is it Tuesday?

I'm in a pub.

I'm having trouble with the reception.

We're in a bit of a dip,

-can you hear me?

-Loud and clear.

He goes out for a bit of lunch every Tuesday with his pals.

And they've asked me along.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Anyway, the reason I'm ringing is because I've decided

to stop a few days while we sort out the wedding.

Only the thing is, I've not got a clean change of underwear.

-OK, so...?

-So you couldn't pop over, could you?

With some...

with some knickers and a...and a nightie, and me toothbrush?

Like a little overnight bag, sort of business.

Well, Mum, I would, but I've got a school to run.

You've not gone to work?!

You've been up all night!

Could you get Alan to pop into Halifax with you?

They'll have an M&S, surely, or...

Oh, right. Don't worry about me!

-Well, I would, but...

-Hmm. I get the picture.

-Can I ring you later?

-If you've time.

-Is that OK?

-It'll have to be.

So I'll ring you later.

I could have caught a chill last night.

I could have caught pneumonia.

Yes, but you didn't.

All the same, I should be taking it steady, not traipsing into Halifax.

You're in a pub.

-What do you want for your birthday?

-Can I ring you later?

Only I never know what to get you.

Yes, can I ring you later?

If I don't get you anything, you'll say I'm being off with you.

-Mum...

-How old are you this time?

-Mum! I'm in a meeting.

-Who are you in a meeting with?

The chairman of the board of governors.

Oh, that smarmy beggar. Well, you can tell him to eff off.

-From me.

-Right.

I'll ring you later.

Yeah, don't knock yourself out.

-I will ring you. Later.

-Hmm.

Think what you want for your birthday.

Get me something from Marks's when you go buying your necessaries.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

She sends her regards.

-Do you want a straw, love?

-Actually...

How much?

-He's asking 4,000. He'll take less.

-Well, what condition's it in?

Oh, you'd have to take it for a test drive.

Well, I can't imagine her getting more than a few thousand off insurance.

If that. Still, it's her birthday tomorrow.

Gillian's? Is it?

So I'm thinking, happen I could make up the difference for her.

How old is she?

Um...40-summat.

You want me to ring up, see if he's around this aff so you can have a go with it?

-Yeah, sure. Why not?

-I'll pop outside, see if I can get a signal.

Right.

Now, Alan, have you thought about a best man?

No, not yet, not really.

You see, I'm used to a certain degree of public speaking.

-Having been on t'council all them years.

-Of course.

And I can be very amusing, of course.

I was often complimented on my humorous turn of phrase and wit

and illuminating insights.

Yeah, yeah.

Then there's the, um, other aspect.

Is there? Which?

Not losing the ring.

Turning up on time.

Sober. All that side.

Yeah, well... Obviously.

Shall I break it to him, then? Or will you?

-Sorry?

-Harry.

-Oh!

-What have I missed?

-POSH ACCENT:

-We've bought you a medium-dry white wine, Celia.

Oh! That's lovely, thank you.

Harry's lad's friend's selling a Land Rover.

I thought we could pop up and have a look at it

-for our Gillian this after.

-Oh, very good.

I hope you're not taking painkillers and drinking alcohol.

Can you fetch us a straw, love?

Don't mention owt to Harry yet.

-Let me deal with that side of things.

-OK.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?!

PHONE RINGS AND MOBILE PHONE RINGS

ECHOES: Hello?

Oh, that's...useful. Well done, Dad.

BELL RINGS

Sorry. Caroline, it's Gillian.

-I'm sorry to be ringing you, only...

-How are you?

You haven't... They've...

They're not... They're not here.

I mean, they were here and now they're not. You haven't...seen them, have you?

-They were in a pub.

-Sorry?

My mother rang, about an hour ago. They were in a pub with some friends of Alan's.

SIGHS

Pillock! Yeah, it's Tuesday.

I, um, panicked.

I've been out working all morning and then when I came in and they weren't here

and the car gone...

You all right?

I just...

-Gillian?

-It's brought it home to me.

Last night.

I don't think I could stand it if I lost him.

Not just yet.

Especially not since he's met your mum again, he's been so happy.

Sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Perhaps you should give me your mum's mobile number.

For future reference. I've got a feeling...

-I'm going to need it if they're going to carry on like this.

-Sure.

Which I get the idea they are.

Oh, um...

you couldn't do me a favour, Gillian, could you?

CAR ENGINE HUMS AND MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello.

SHOUTING OVER CAR ENGINE It's Gillian!

Hello, love!

You don't know what's happened to Paul, do you?

-The fella that was...

-Paul?

Yes, he's here, he's with us.

He was going stir crazy at home.

Were you wanting to speak to him?

No!

Where are you?

I'm...I'm not entirely sure.

Where are we, Alan?

Up Soyland.

-ALL:

-We're up Soyland!

We're up Soyland!

Right. OK.

Can you tell my dad... Are Harry and Maurice with you?

Yes. Yes, they are, love.

Right, can you tell my dad to tell Harry and Maurice

to take Paul home to his mother's? They know where he lives.

And to leave him there, right?

And not to bring him back to ours.

Yes!

Yes, I can do that.

Fabulous! Oh!

-And, Celia!

-Yes, love.

Knickers.

Um...

I've spoken to Caroline.

I'm going into Halifax, what sort do you want?

Well, um...

And what size?

I'm struggling to hear you,

I think the signal's going.

-Hello?

-I think we're stuck.

-I'm going to have to go.

-We'll be fine.

-Now, I'm hanging up now.

-Hello?

What's that smell?

That smell, I'm afraid to say...

It's like tomatoes.

It's like metal tomatoes.

That smell is the smell of a buggered clutch, Alan.

Oh, aye, did I not say? Lad said it'd need a new clutch.

We can pop to McNally's scrap yard and get a re-whatsited one for about 70 quid.

Other than that, I'd say it's in damn near pretty perfect condition.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi.

Hi.

SIGHS

PHONE RINGS Shit.

Oh.

Hello?

Right, so...the thing is, what size knickers does your mum wear?

Only when I rang her she couldn't tell me herself

cos she was embarrassed cos me dad and Harry and Maurice were there with her

-so...

-Oh, I...I...I...

I don't really... Cou...cou...you, um...

-um...

-Why don't I just...?

-(Who is it?)

-It's Gillian.

..just buy a few different sorts and a few different sizes?

-What does she want?

-She wants to know what size knickers my mother wears.

And then any that aren't suitable I can just take back.

They'll be fine with that, won't they?

-Yeah!

-If they're unopened.

Y...yeah. Yeah, course they will.

Good idea.

OK, sorry to bother you.

No problem.

-Thank you.

-Ta-ra.

I owe you one.

-Bye.

-Bye.

What?

What's wrong with that?

100.

No...

Will you take 75?

Ah, go on.

I've been meaning to say, Alan, regarding t'wedding...

..you'll want a best man that people like, won't you?

You won't want somebody who'll drone on,

talk about himself

ad infinitum for 40 minutes.

Cos you know that's what'll happen.

Whereas, thing is...

..I've never been a best man.

And, um, it's summat I'd like to do...

once, before I die.

Well, I'll, um...

Yeah, yeah. I'll...

Smashing.

Shall I tell him? Or will you?

Yeah, I'll... Yeah, leave it to me.

-So what are you going to do?

-Well, I don't know.

Can you have two best men?

No. It'd look daft.

Well, I'll have to worry about that tomorrow.

Like Scarlett O'Hara.

Are you suited with it?

Oh, I think so.

We'll shut it in here, she'll have a surprise in t'morning.

What were you going to tell me earlier?

When that lad fell down the stairs.

Oh.

Yeah.

Let's put t'kettle on, eh?

It may sound summat and nowt when I say it, but...

They'd been arguing, this is what Gillian told me after.

He'd been drinking, Eddie had.

Threatening to...kill himself.

Then she found him, he were in t'barn,

he'd smashed his head open with t'log splitter.

But the thing is...

when she found him, he weren't dead.

And not only that...

He were still conscious.

Then I got here about, ooh...an hour after it had happened, and...

..she'd called police by that stage, by that stage he were dead.

She told me...

..she just stood there...

..and watched him slip away.

Right in front of her.

Rather than get help.

So that's why...

Anyway.

Why what?

Robbie.

The others thought summat untoward had gone on.

That...she had killed him,

which were nonsense, she didn't.

But she didn't call an ambulance either.

She told me what she'd done as soon as I got here,

which I suppose makes me complicit in it.

I don't blame her.

Not for a second.

He made her life a misery and there were no way under t'sun

I were going to shop her to the police.

So, I wanted you to know that I did that,

because, strictly speaking, it weren't right. But...

Anyway, that's it.

Are you shocked?

No.

Are you disappointed?

No.

No.

I told you about Kenneth, what I'd have done given half a chance.

You thought about it, we did it.

You didn't.

I covered it up.

-Don't tell Gillian I've told you.

-No, I won't.

-Ever. Promise me.

-I promise.

And I keep my promises.

It sort of bought it back last night.

There's always been a funny feeling in that barn since.

I do sometimes wonder if he's still in there.

Let it go.

I'm glad you've told me, but now let it go.

You don't think less of me?

No, never.

I love you.

I love you.

Sorry.

We've gone all miserable.

-We don't want that, do we?

-No.

We need to be laughing, you and me!

Hey.

Do you remember all that jiving we used to do?

Oh, gosh.

Do I remember?!

DISTANT MUSIC: "Tutti Frutti" by Little Richard

-Oh, no!

-No, don't mind me.

-We were just...

-Good!

-...reminiscing.

-You should reminisce more often!

Oh heck, now you'll be telling everybody.

Smashing photos.

I'm texting 'em to Caroline.

-Did you get rid of him?

-Hey?

-Paul.

Oh, yes. Well, yes.

Harry took him in his Mondeo.

Good job well done.

Celia?

Knickers.

Owt that doesn't fit or isn't right we'll take back.

Oh, thanks. How much do I owe you?

There's a receipt in there somewhere.

And, I rung Robbie. Him and Raff are coming round for supper.

Robbie?!

Yeah, tonight.

Raff's bringing his stuff back.

He's moving back in.

So,

I bought a chicken and a couple of bottles of wine.

-Ooh!

-We're celebrating.

-What are we celebrating?

Everything, anything. You name it, we'll celebrate it.

Well, I'll just go upstairs and sort myself out.

-Do you know where you're going?

-Yes, thanks, love.

Robbie was really on it last night, Dad.

He really bothered, really surprised me,

and he apologised for all the crap and nonsense and rubbish.

I think he were genuine.

That bed'll need a clean sheet and another duvet cover.

Oh, and Celia?

I got this for Caroline.

She said to get her something from M&S for you to give to her for her birthday.

She said it would be a weight off your mind,

or her mind, or one of your minds, yeah?

Thanks.

Don't worry, he's gone.

He better have.

Where have you been?

-Work.

-Till this time?

Boys all right?

Where have you been?

Where haven't I been?

Just...tell me who it is.

No.

-I won't get cross.

-Ooh, lucky me(!)

Are you making it up?

How's Judith?

I finished with Judith. I don't want to see her again as long as I live.

Is she pretty, Judith? I've never asked you.

She's... No, actually, she's rather ugly.

When you've seen her fall down the stairs more than once

and wet herself vomiting, it's hard to think of her as anything else. Who is it?

There are other people, more important people, who need to know before you.

Why? Just say it.

Is it that unctuous git that's chairman of your board of...?

Gavin!

Anyway, he's married, with children.

Do you think I'd do that?

I thought the idea was we were going to try to make it work here,

for the boys.

Only as a practical arrangement until they got off to university.

You must have known I was never really going to get back into bed with you.

So I'm just going to live here while you sleep around?

I'm not going to sleep around, but you could.

Actually, if I'm with someone else and you're going to sleep around...

-I don't want to sleep around.

-..we might as well just call it a day and get divorced.

You're not having the house.

I'm having the boys, because I never walked out on them,

and no court in its right mind would throw them out of the family home.

-Caroline.

-Get yourself a good lawyer. I intend to.

Caroline, I don't want to get divorced.

Well, I'm sorry, I've come full circle.

If I love and trust someone enough to have sex with them

I don't want them relegated to the Fourth Division, I want them here.

Where I can have them.

Any time I like.

Do you know what I realised last night?

I've been depressed.

For months.

And last night I was so low

I hit rock bottom, and then...

..when my mum turned up I turned a corner, something lifted, it was physical.

This fog that's been there for months, it vanished, just like that,

and everything became clear and I felt...

..happy.

Like I can't remember feeling for years.

You're not moving him in here.

It's not a he.

I suppose we might as well get that out of the way.

I need to tell the boys, and I need to tell my mother,

and until I've had the chance to do that myself,

I'd appreciate you being discreet.

Whoever the hell else you choose to tell is of course your business

but clearly we have to address the possibility that

it might upset the boys initially, until they get used to it.

So obviously if you need to take the piss and make ridiculous comments

it'd be best if you did it straight to my face and not in front of them.

But being a liberal-minded intellectual,

I assume you won't need to do that anyway.

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

You might need to think about it.

Hello?

I spent 45 quid. Is that all right?

Oh, that's brilliant.

I got a dressing-gown

for you, well, for her to give to you.

It's just a white towel robe thing.

Perfect, that's perfect.

-If you don't want it, I'll have it.

-No!

It's spot-on, thank you.

If you give me your bank details I'll transfer the cash.

I'll pay for her stuff as well.

Hey, that's cheating!

Is it 'eck!

When is it your birthday, by the way, out of interest?

Just cos it's mine tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

You're kidding.

It's mine tomorrow.

How weird is that?!

-How old are you?

-How old are you?

46, I will be tomorrow.

That's...

Are you?

Yeah.

Oh, good Lord! That's a bit...

We're twins!

Well, we're something.

Are you winding me up?

No!

I had no idea.

Oh, he's got a good hand.

Ey! Oi! You're never going to believe this - this is weird.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Are you sober?

Why?

It's funny, it sort of teases you out of thought, doesn't it?

I mean, how t'heck could that have happened?

I mean, you couldn't invent that, could you?

You know I told you I used to think about you, when I was with Kenneth?

And you said you used to think about me, sometimes?

Yeah.

I wonder if we were thinking about each other, that night.

The night, you know, they were conceived.

I think it's just another sign.

That things were always meant to be, don't you?

I'd better go back down, help Gillian wi' t'washing up.

Or else I'll be in bother.

Oh...

Let's just have a few more minutes.

Thanks for bringing him back, Rob.

No problem.

You're all right.

When you're not being a twillock!

Yeah? Thanks, Gillian.

'Ey, and, you know...

..thanks.

For last night.

I'm glad we talked about stuff.

Are you doing owt? Tomorrow, for your birthday?

Nah.

Do you fancy going out for a meal?

Or summat,

some time?

Yeah.

Why not?

Do you want to stay?

-No.

-You can do.

As much as I'd like to,

ask me when you're less likely to regret it the morning after.

I'm not pi...

I'm not that pissed.

HE SIGHS Night, Gillian.

Coward.

Night night.

Night.

(Mum. Mum?)

Hello.

You should go to bed.

Hmm.

Oh...

Where's Dad?

Has he gone out? I don't know.

Why aren't you in bed?

Are you seeing someone?

How would you feel about it if I was?

Fine.

If it's someone that deserves you.

OK.

Well then, yes I am.

Seeing someone.

Is it Kate McKenzie?

What...

..makes you think that?

Is it?

OK, well, if...

If it, if, if it, erm...

it was...

..what would, how would you...

She's nice! I like her.

She's clever,

she's interesting, she's kind.

How...

How did you know?

I saw you.

When you came in to invigilate for my exam yesterday,

just the way you looked at each other.

No-one else saw.

-I won't embarrass you.

-I know.

-This wouldn't have happened if your dad...

-I don't care.

I want you to be happy.

Lawrence know?

No.

CLOCK CHIMES

Happy birthday.

-GILLIAN:

-Right, this had better be good.

-Ready?

-Yep.

-Steady?

-No!

Ta-da!

Dad!

It goes.

How much did you...

Nowt!

We found it.

It were free, at side of t'road.

Oh, you shouldn't have. You're getting married.

-You're going to need all the money...

-Shut up.

Nice one, Grandad.

It's...

...beautiful. It's...

..got wheels and everything!

I said to t'fella, only the best, it's for our Gillian.

You...

Dad!

Only thing is, the clutch has gone.

So I've bought a new one,

well, a re-whatsited one, is on t'front seat.

So you'll...

Be having to put that in myself.

Well, you like mucking about inside engines, don't you? So...

Yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

Harry says otherwise it were in perfect condition.

-Harry?

-For its vintage.

SHE LAUGHS

You pillock!

Right, I'm off. Happy birthday, Mother.

Oh!

See you, Gramps. Ta-ta, Celia.

-Bye, love.

-Hey, do you want a lift?

In this?

Not in that.

In that!

Yeah, me and Celia are going to t'registry office in Halifax, so...

Are you?

Yeah, just to have a look.

Oh, well, yeah, yeah, I mean, if you're going that way.

-Out.

-Get off me, bitch!

I am not having him.

I am sick of him,

I am sick to the back teeth of him.

You are nothing but trouble.

Bloody nuisance, he is.

Yeah, well he's not coming back 'ere!

Well, you should have thought about that before you started mucking about with him.

-It's your fault he's in this mess.

-Bitch! Liar!

I only got in t'car cos she said she was taking me round me granny's.

You're not leaving him here!

-Watch me.

-You're not!

ENGINE STARTS

I'll get t'keys for t'car. Do you want to get in, Raffy?

Bitch!

Raff?

TYPING

She's not a lesbian.

Oh, OK. So what would you call it, then?

If she's getting into bed with another woman.

No, she's just not a lesbian.

Whatever it is she's doing with this other woman, she's not...

She just doesn't look like a lesbian.

I know what lesbians look like. We have them on campus.

They meet in Derwent Bar on Monday nights.

God! Aren't you quaint?! What decade do you live in?

Do you think she looks like...? Oh, you've never seen her.

No, but I'm warming to her.

I wonder what it's like.

What?

To get hot and steamy with another woman.

God, well,

I can't imagine it's... Well, what is it? What do they do?

They haven't got anything to do anything with, have they?

Are you being deliberately stupid?

No, course not, you're just lashing out. Who wouldn't?

You've just found out that the woman you've been married to...for how long?

18 years.

18 years!

Has probably been faking it, every single time.

No, no, she hasn't, she wouldn't, she's not...

Well, either that or every time you made her come

she was pretending that you were, you know, a girl.

A girly, a girly-whirly!

No, no, no, that's...

We had... Me and Caroline had fantastic...

You don't know what's in people's heads.

You don't know what was in my head when I shagged you.

-Well, what is?

-Well, I could be thinking all sorts.

Anything.

Yeah, well, what?

I'm not telling you!

I've been used.

No, you haven't.

Well, yeah, you have.

But hasn't everybody at some stage?

PHONE BEEPS AND VIBRATES

It's her.

Oh, shall I answer it?

Yes?

Where are you?

-Does it matter?

-Where did you sleep last night?

It doesn't... I'm not... It's none of your...

Have you moved out again or something?

-No!

-OK, well,

I'm planning to cook tonight for my birthday for my, erm...friend.

And the boys.

I want to know if you'll be in or out.

I don't know where I'll be.

OK. Well, if you're in,

given that it's where you live,

I'd, er...

I'd like you to join us.

Are you serious?

Yes, assuming you'd only accept the invitation

if you were going to behave like an adult in front of the children.

Piss off, you sanctimonious, patronising mad bitch!

Problem? She's invited me for dinner with her and her...

Oh, are you going?

-No!

-Do you want to know what she looks like?

No! I don't want to see that...

-Hang on.

-What?

My God! It's that woman she had in the garden

when she chucked all that water over me.

Lawrence said she was a lesbian.

-Go on, go and have dinner with them.

-No!

Oh, OK.

Shame.

Cos, thing is, to be frank, John,

I don't want you here either.

I've started to realise what a bad influence you are on me.

It seems very impersonal.

I'm still cross about the church.

Maybe if she'd accommodated us,

that vicar, we'd have started going again.

I think she took a very short-term view.

What about Southowram?

Well, they did offer.

I thought you said wild horses wouldn't drag you back there.

Yes, I know I did, but if it's the only place...

No, it's no good then, is it?

They have a lovely chapel at Caroline's school.

I went there once to a little concert she'd organised.

Do they not hire it out for weddings?

Who?

The school!

Would you want to get wed in Harrogate?

I don't mind where we get wed, as long as it's what you want.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Gillian, hello, it's John.

Elliott.

-Caroline's...

-Oh, hello.

-Who is it?

-I'm sorry I'm ringing you.

I...

What's happening? Anything?

I was just wondering... The thing is...

Oh, dear.

Are you all right?

I'm not entirely certain why I'm ringing you. Just...

Has something happened?

You gave me such good advice that time, you know, when Caroline

drove off without me and...

What's up?

Can I come over?

If you like.

Would you mind?

No, course not. What's it...

What's it to do with?

It's, it's...

Just say it.

Caroline.

Caroline?

Is she all right?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi.

Come in.

Hello, William.

Hi.

For you.

Happy birthday!

William, can you take Kate's coat, please?

Dinner's going to be another 40 minutes, sorry.

It's fine, I'll help you.

Thanks, William.

Or would you like to play Scrabble while Mum's cooking, if you like, or...?

God, haven't played Scrabble in years.

I'll see if Lawrence wants to. He can't spell, but it's good for him.

I told him. He knows.

He's been brilliant about it.

I've not told Lawrence. I'm just waiting for the right kind of...

-Yeah.

-...moment.

OK.

Are you going to stay tonight?

Sure.

-Is John not...?

-Oh, I haven't a clue where John is.

TV: CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY SIGH

Do you know, my feet!

Mm, yeah, but we're making progress now.

We still don't know where we're living!

Well, we could spend a few weeks here and then a few weeks over in Harrogate.

We could alternate at intervals.

That way, they can all get equally sick of us.

Yeah, and we can get equally sick of them!

Oh, I'm not sure about this hat now I've bought it.

Well, buy another one. You've got three weeks.

Yeah. Bugger the expense.

Buy the cat a goldfish.

Celia?

What, my love?

What I told you yesterday...

What about it?

Well, it were manslaughter.

I don't know if I made that clear.

Even though he'd tried to take his own life, she could've still...

Alan?

It's forgotten.

Well, I just want to know that...

you realise...

Listen, one of the great things about getting older -

I don't know if you feel the same -

is that very little shocks you any more.

And that certainly doesn't.

You know that.

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

Have you got my perfume?

-Celia!

-We've shopped till we've dropped!

John's here.

Er, he's been here all afternoon.

And, erm... he's had a bit to drink.

-What?

-And he's being a bit...emotional.

Why, what's happened?

OK, erm, well...

erm, Caroline, um...

Is she all right?

She's fine. She's...

She's... She's... She's... She's...

Has she been in an accident?

-No! No, no, no, no.

-She was all right at lunchtime

-when we spoke to her about the chapel.

-No, she's fine.

She's fine. It's nothing to do with that.

-Right.

-Is that Celia?

Yeah, sounds like it. Listen, pal, why don't you let Gillian...

Oi! Celia!

He...

She, er...

Oh, John ought to tell you himself, really. Well, no, Caroline.

CONVERSATION CONTINUES IN DISTANCE

The thing is, John's had a bit to drink, and he's...

-Celia!

-Oh, God.

-What's happened?!

-Nothing's happened.

What are you doing here?

Came to see Gillian.

How much have you had to drink?

-Loads.

-Has something happened with Caroline?

Well, yeah, you could kind of say that.

No, it's... John, you're very drunk. Just bear that in mind

before you say anything else.

Can someone kindly tell Celia what's going on?

Did you know that Caroline's a lesbian?

What's he talking about?

Did you know that? Did you know that I've been married to this woman?

And you wonder why I had an affair? This woman,

who for 19 years

has been either faking it or...

Shut up.

Gillian, shut him up.

What a bloody silly thing to say.

Do you know how that makes me feel?

-Your ridiculous bloody daughter...

-Hey, that's enough of that sort of talk.

What's he doing here, anyway? Why's he here upsetting people?

-Alan!

-John, you're upsetting her.

-I don't care!

-Well, I do.

-Come on, let's take it outside.

-Get your hands off me!

I want you to calm down.

That's wicked, coming out with something like that.

And who've you been telling it to?

I'm saying it cos it's true,

cos she's been having it off with another woman!

-Get him out of the way.

-Come on, outside.

-What are you doing?

-Get outside!

What woman?

Come... Come and sit down. I'll make you some tea.

I don't want any tea!

I want to go home.

-At school?

-In the chapel.

Then we'll move on to somewhere else for the reception.

I'm checking out a few possible venues for them.

It'll be fantastic. It'll be gorgeous.

-It'll be just what she wants.

-It's so amazing. Your mum!

I know! I know, it's perfect.

It's wonderful.

It's what she deserves.

Even if she's had to wait all this time to get it.

-Can I get drunk?

-No.

DOORBELL RINGS

-SLURRED:

-Oh! Hello!

Er...

can I help you?

Sorry, I dropped a bottle of wine.

Just now. It was...

meant to be a present.

Are you...Caroline?

I was looking for John. Is he in?

Judith?

Yeah.

No, he's not in. I don't know where he is.

Oh. Right.

I think I've upset him.

I wanted to apologise to him.

But I guess that you're here now, so...

Have you seen him?

This morning. But, you know, it's over.

It's good.

Even so, I don't want to hurt him.

And hey, listen, it's great!

I'm really cool with it. Well done.

Sorry?

I used to have

this horrendous crush on one of my dad's girlfriends.

So, you know, I'm right there with you.

What are you talking about?

I used to imagine what it might be like to snog her.

-Would you like me to call you a taxi?

-No.

And listen...

Caroline...

I'm sorry I...

You know, in the end,

maybe it wasn't entirely his fault.

Not that I'm defending him. Useless twat.

But there's got to be something, hasn't there, not working,

before a bloke...

-goes off?

-Mind where you're...

GLASS SMASHES

Judith!

-What are you doing?!

-I'm helping you!

-Kate!

-Was that Caroline?

He's asleep.

What a puff.

Fainting!

You don't have to stay, you know. I can handle things.

-I'm 15.

-I'll stay here with you until your mum gets back.

She's seeing someone. Mum.

-Did you know?

-Yes.

Yes.

I did know.

Who?

Well...

I expect she'll talk it through with you when she's ready.

"Talk it through"? What do you mean?

PHONE RINGS

Will that be her?

-Hello?

-Hi. Is that William?

Lawrence.

Lawrence.

Hi. Er, it's Gillian, Alan's daughter.

Is Caroline there?

No, she's had to rush somebody into hospital.

Oh. Er...

Oh, erm...

Um...that'll be why she hasn't been picking up

-her mobile, then.

-Why?

Well, cos...

Can you give her a message from me when she gets back?

Yep.

Can you tell her...

er...

her mother's driving over with me dad in the dark.

I couldn't stop them. I tried.

And you know, neither of them's eyesight is that good. But, er,

I wanted to just warn her

that she's upset. Erm, Celia.

You, your granny. She's upset...

..cos she's found out about this relationship, erm...

Caroline's been having...

..with, er, with...with...

Kate.

Yeah.

Kate.

What, you knew?

Yeah.

OK.

Right. I'll...I'll tell her.

Bye.

Bye.

What?

Raff's gone to bed.

I'm going to get off. I'm up at six.

OK.

Are you all right with this joker, or do you want me to deposit him somewhere?

No, leave him. He's upset. He can sleep down here

with Paul. I'll find him a duvet.

Right.

-Night.

-Night.

-Night.

-Night.

SHE SIGHS

Help yourself.

Dozy bugger.

I suppose...

you won't believe me...

if I said I didn't really come over here to do that.

It was just an excuse, really...

..to see you again.

I've...

kept thinking about you.

HE SIGHS

Sorry, I need to rest me eyes for five minutes.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Mm, we can do.

He'll have t'wrong end of t'stick.

Ring her!

No.

Would you like me to ring her?

No!

I can't decide....

..if you're an evil git

or if it's actually quite...flattering

and romantic that you'd go to such lengths

and piss so many people off so massively

just to have an excuse to come and see me.

None of it, it wasn't...

I didn't plan it.

And I'm not horrible.

Just like you...

said.

About when Raff got annoyed with you. I'm just...

..disappointingly human.

Do you want to go upstairs?

She's called Zanzibar, but I just call her Kate for short,

it's easier.

I think it would be better if I moved out.

What's up with Caroline being a bit of a dyke anyway.

He thinks I should meet Kate.

Come in.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, it'll be indigestion.

The only one who's got anything to lose this evening is her.

Turned my stomach when I saw her touch you.

-Sorry, did you say something?

-Nope.

She disappointed me the way she talked to Caroline, I were shocked.

You're not going to fall out with her though, are you? Dad?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd