Episode 3 Last Tango in Halifax

-I want a baby.

-I mean, how...how would it work?

Well, obviously a donor.

She's pregnant. It's mine.

I'm not having that lad leaving school,

he could get into university.

Just as long as you know that I can't see Caroline short either.

Bloody Caroline.

-What's up with Caroline? I thought you were mates?

-Nothing.

I know you said you're seeing Robbie, but, frankly,

-I think you and me both know that is a disaster.

-Really?

Are you doing anything this weekend?

Thing is, we're married now.

-You did it?

-Yeah, course we did it.

I mean...you know.

Just disappointed.

We didn't want a fuss.

Fair enough, but if I'm being honest, I'm with 'Arry.

Disappointed.

Yeah, well, it's done now, so...

What are we going to call this baby?

What does it look like?

You can see what it looks like.

No, I mean does it look like a Heather? Or a Barbara?

Or a...Claudette?

I think it looks like a bad-tempered beetroot, personally. But...

Right! It's had enough, it wants to get its windy-pops up now.

Does great grandad Harry want to do the honours?

"Oh, great grandad Harry, I much prefer you to great grandad Alan,

"because I know that if it'd been you getting wed, and you'd

"asked him to be your best man, you'd not have gone sneaking off..."

He wasn't going to ask you, he'd asked me.

-He asked me.

-He asked me.

He asked me.

I didn't ask either of you. You volunteered.

Which I was very flattered by, and touched, but you're my pals!

I couldn't say no to either of you! So...

And it was what Celia wanted.

What Celia wanted.

I'm sick of having to explain myself.

She leads you by t'nose. You know that, don't you?

What did she say?

"I don't want either of them

"two scruffy buggers being your best man?"

Hey. You talk for yourself...

Funnily enough, you weren't mentioned.

-I scrub up very nicely, thank you.

-Are we going to let this drop?

Where is Celia?

Harrogate. Oh, she's coming back.

She's just popped over to fetch a few bits and pieces.

I mean, can you imagine?

She literally didn't know she was pregnant, she said,

and then - clang - there it is.

A baby. I think she's in shock, I think they all are.

Hello, Celia!

Oh. I thought he'd moved out.

No! Not entirely, not yet.

It hasn't even got a name.

They're calling it "The Baby".

And is it...definitely his?

Oh, yeah. First thing Gillian did was go down to t'chemist

-and buy a paternity testing kit.

-God.

So...Ellie is living at the farm with "The Baby".

What does her mother think?

Oh, she wants her back home and at school.

Only I don't think she's facing the facts.

She's not prepared to help out.

She has this high-powered highly-paid job in the NHS

shuffling papers off her desk onto somebody else's,

which she has made it plain she's not prepared to give up,

or even go part-time, and why should she?

But what she's not addressing is the situation as it stands.

And the husband's no better, he's a quantity surveyor in Dewsbury.

Divorced.

And he has opinions as well, but nothing that alters the facts.

So, what's going to happen?

Well, they seem determined to muddle through at the farm.

Everyone's helping out. Gillian, Robbie...

-How is Gillian?

-Harry, me, Alan...

I think I've changed its nappy as often as anyone.

I mean, they do nowt, Raff and Ellie.

Is she still seeing Robbie? Gillian.

I think they're frightened of it,

and it's a sweet enough little thing.

It sickens me, when there's folks want babies and can't,

you know, honest, hard-working, decent people...

Has it...she really not got a name?

Well, nothing that's stuck. Gillian calls her Flossie,

which to me is more what you might call a King Charles Spaniel.

Alan calls her Emily Jane,

but that's just so he can make it rhyme with stuff.

Harry calls her Foo-Foo Tinkerbell or summat.

But he's an...idiot.

But she's coping? Gillian.

What would you call a baby? If you had one?

Oh, well, for a girl, I've always liked Emily.

And with Alan. It's good, it's...

Or Victoria, Virginia, Elizabeth, Charlotte.

Those sort of more traditional names...Helen, Helena, Eleanor.

Oh, no, that's Ellie. Or...or something pretty. Like Flora.

Jasmine. Poppy! Grace. That's nice.

Celia! You've got a lovely name.

And there's Rose, Rosie, Ros, Rosamund, Rosalind...

Florence, Maisie, Daisy...

retro, I know, but it's very sweet. I don't know!

It'll all depend on what Caroline thinks.

-What would?

-What's it got to do with Caroline?

I mean, if ever...if, if...me and Caroline...

Which, why would we? ..had to choose a baby name.

-You and Caroline?

-You and Caroline?

Not, not, not that...

Well, you wouldn't have to. Would you?

Well, no, women...lesb...

Ladies...do have babies.

Do they?

How.

Well, if...

You're not, are you? She's too old.

Yeah, well, she isn't, technically, and I'm not.

So, hypothetically, in theory...

She'd not want to go through all that again at her age.

No...no.

Where did you say she was?

The year-12s are doing King Lear tonight. So...

That'll be one to slit your wrists to.

So, is that is that something you're serious about?

No. God, no. Is Alan next door?

No, I've left him in Halifax.

I just popped over to get a few bits.

Well...and I wanted five minutes with Caroline.

Any road, will you tell her to pop round when she's got a minute?

-Sure.

-I mean, not tonight.

If she's had to sit through King Lear she'll just want to lie down.

DOOR CLOSES

SHEEP BLEAT

There.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello.

Gillian. It's John.

Yeah.

Sorry. Erm. I never rang you back last week

cos I heard what had happened and I didn't want to pester you.

Sounds like you've had your hands full.

Yep.

How's...how's...how are things?

Complicated.

Right. I was serious about what I said.

About putting money...in my farm?

I would do that, but I meant more about you.

You know, I can't help thinking it's a mistake.

Right.

I still think about you all the time.

-I've started writing again.

-John, I...

I wonder if getting the push from the publisher was

the kick up the arse that I needed.

It's about you.

Well, sort of about you.

It's about everything. Everything that's happened.

Celia and your dad meeting up again after all this time.

And...mad bitch here, and her mousey little girlfriend.

But your character's the real central...the...

..point of it all really. The lynch pin.

The...well, the heroine...

..if you like. Gillian?

Right. OK.

So, you see...it would be lovely to meet up.

I don't have to come to the house. The farm.

If that's complicated. We could just...go out for dinner.

Or a drink.

Hello?

I can't. It's too messy.

I have to go now.

-Gillian...

-I'm sorry, I'm hanging up. I'm glad you're working again.

Bye...bye. Bye-bye.

How was school?

Fine.

She been all right?

No, we sold her to a Chinaman.

Right.

We didn't get much for her.

Have you had something to eat?

Toast.

Toast.

Are you managing to concentrate?

-Yeah.

-I mean, at school.

Yes!

She needs her nappy changed.

HE JANGLES TOY

Little Nelly needs her nappy changed, kids.

I said, the baby needs its nappy changed.

-Grandad!

-What y' doing?

-Ooh, knackers!

-Were you saving the universe?

-Y'shouldn't have done that.

It's not real. Me and your grandad lived through the Blitz.

Did you 'eck. Blitz was in t'big cities.

Halifax got one bomb dropped on it, and that were by accident

cos some plank in the Luftwaffe couldn't find Manchester.

Oh, they know it all don't they?

Except, oh, yeah, how to avoid getting pregnant.

We wouldn't have made that mistake, would we, Alan?

Eh? Blitz or no Blitz...

HE STOMPS UPSTAIRS

DOOR SLAMS

HE CRIES

KNOCKS ON DOOR

It's me.

Can I come in.

Why are you even friends with him?

It isn't really about him, is it?

I've got to earn some money, grandad.

Going to school now, it's just ridiculous

I told him, he can get a job soon enough,

but I'd be sickened if he left school, Celia.

-Celia?

-So, there's no point us looking

for a little bungalow now then, is there?

Well, we can look, but,

you see, when I was his age, well, you an' all,

it were never an option.

Were it? Staying on at school.

If he'd just get his A levels,

he'd always be able to try for a university at a later stage.

Wouldn't he? Which... well, that's important.

Trouble is, he wants to do the right thing, which I understand,

but t'difficulty is, knowing what the right thing is

when everybody seems to have so many different opinions.

-Yeah.

-I think somebody at school's said something nasty

that's upset him.

Well, they will do, they're kids.

I don't want him ending up in a job wi' no prospects,

and then for her to just up-sticks and beggar off anyway

with the baby, which you never know.

I mean, I don't know whether they're still actually seeing one another.

I don't even know that they ever were

beyond this one evening of Malibu-fuelled passion.

I know he was smitten with her before, but

I'm not so sure now and she doesn't seem bothered about

owt much at the minute, him included.

You're not telling me anything I don't know.

I have been there a week.

I know, I'm just...I'm struggling to make sense of it myself.

The more I think about it, worse it seems to get.

It's a mess, Celia. It's a right bloody mess.

Yeah, but you haven't to get stressed.

Oh...I'm all right.

I'm missing you.

I'm missing you.

CAR APPROACHES Oh, hey up. Madame Lazonga's back.

-Who?

-Our little Caroline.

Hey, what do you think about Cordelia?

For a name. It's King Lear. There's three of them.

Daughters - Goneril, Regan and Cordelia.

I think of the three...

Goneril! Oh, y'just wouldn't, would you?

There's no wonder they wanted him dead.

Dozy old bugger.

Kate?

Are you all right?

How was King Lear?

It was very good, I was very proud of them.

-Your mum's back.

-I saw the car.

She said to pop round. Not tonight.

Have you been crying?

Just feeling sorry for myself.

Why?

-Not Lawrence.

-No.

-John?

-No!

-My mother?

-No.

What then?

Do you want to tell me about it in bed?

Have you been eating peanuts?

-Popcorn at the interval...

-That'd do it.

..but I've drunk a whole glass of wine since then!

-That'd wash off any...

-Not necessarily. Get the...

-Where's your handbag?

-In there.

Do you want me to do it? Do you want to do it?

No, you.

SHE WHEEZES AND COUGHS

Here, just right there.

-You're going to be fine.

-I'm going to be fine.

SHE CONTINUES TO COUGH

Ambulance.

Caroline Elliot, 46 Conway Drive,

Harrogate, HG3 2MC.

I've got someone with anaphylaxia.

Thank you.

Four minutes. God, I'm sorry.

I'm fine.

Stupid thing to do!

I don't think I need an ambulance.

It's on its way, it's coming.

Y'have to massage it after you've injected.

Let me.

What were you upset about?

Just.

Babies.

Kate's just had, erm...

I wasn't, uh...

We weren't...

You want to get yourself to bed,

you've got school tomorrow.

I might sleep down here tonight.

Why?

Just... that camp bed's not right comfy.

We should get you a double bed.

Would a double bed fit in that room? With a cot.

When we get the cot.

I'm fine sleeping down here.

What about when little doo-dah needs feeding during the night?

You can't leave it all to Ellie.

I'll hear her, I'll help her.

You mightn't.

I just, don't want to crowd her.

Who?

Ellie.

We need another bedroom.

I'll get you that other duvet...

out of the airing cupboard.

Hospital?

She'll be fine, it happens.

I've given her the morning off work, anyway.

Oh, hell, steady on. You don't want to be spoiling her.

Are you just here to dazzle us all with your sparkling wit

or do you want something?

I haven't see you for a week!

Have I changed?

No, you're just as gorgeous.

Mm. So are you.

She said something droll yesterday, did Kate.

-Oh, what.

-We were discussing babies' names, you know,

for little Fanny Alice and...she talked like...

..you were thinking of having one. You and her. I said "How?"

Oh, she, we...it's, it's not...

-Where's my laptop? And my papers?

-Sorry?

They were on the coffee table in the sitting room. They were right there in front of me.

-Have you been buggering around in there?

-It wasn't him, it was me. I've confiscated them.

-Where are they?

-I'm not telling you.

-Where ARE they?

Why don't you talk to me about Alison Waterhouse?

-Who?

-"A flaccid, overripe fruit of a woman."

I was experimenting with... language, similes.

It's a metaphor.

It's a lazy metaphor, I mean, what sort of fruit are we talking about?

A banana? A tangerine?

You know, people always think you've based characters on them

and you haven't.

And can we leave Alison's "dusky Negress" right out of it?

Or Matthew Waterhouse will be getting his withering, shrivelling,

starved-of-light, pink little bollocks chopped right off.

Right. Fine.

Is that what he's put?

Adjustments will be made. Can I have it back?

-No. You can whistle.

-Caroline!

And what about Lizzie Cunningham? Hmm?

"A latter-day Bathsheba Everdene" no less,

who owns her own sheep farm

and has more suitors than she knows what to do with.

Who does that remind us of?

"A sullen, sinewy 40-something woman

"with the purposeful frame and carriage of a 16-year-old boy".

Ooh, la-la! So...

Mummy isn't the only gay in the village.

I'm sorry, I am sorry, I'm going to have to ring Gillian...

You are not going to ring Gillian.

I am. I'm going to have to ring Gillian.

You are not ringing Gillian!

Right! Ring bloody sodding Gillian then!

Do you mind not using language like that in front of my mother?

Give it me back.

CAROLINE!?!

What's he put about me?

It's not you...

The basic upshot is two people in their 70s, in love,

who get together after... ooh, 60 years?

But it's not about you, and then their respective daughters -

Alison, the flaccid, overripe fruit, who just happens to be

the headmistress of a very marvellous public school,

and Lizzie, with the body of a 16-year-old boy, and a sheep farm.

I want to read it.

I've not written the bloody thing yet!

No, and I don't think you should if you're going to be rude about people.

Why were you even reading it anyway?

Cos you shouldn't leave things chucking about.

If this is damaged, you're paying for a new one.

Oh, that's happening.

Why is he even here?

Because he's got nowhere else to go.

He reckons to be looking for a flat to rent near the university

till I can buy him out here, and then he can buy somewhere.

I don't know.

Have you made any decisions yet?

It's all up in the air, I'm afraid, love.

Go brush your teeth.

You know, Kate's up for it.

She's serious, she's had her house valued, she's got it on the market.

-OK.

-But she, erm...

OK. So, the thing is...

It's true. She does want a baby.

If she makes this commitment to me, to me buying the house,

she wants us to...

How?

Oh, don't worry about that. But the thing is...

Would you really want to go through all that again?

No. It's unlikely that she'll ever get pregnant.

She was pregnant four times when she was married to Richard,

but she never got beyond the first 12 weeks.

She's 42, I've been on the internet,

the chances of her getting pregnant are minute.

And I think she'd be better concentrating on her career,

she's very clever, but, the thing is...

Sorry, you don't want to hear this.

-Oh, go on.

-It's her birthday this coming weekend,

so I'm going to take her...somewhere nice,

it's a little hotel I've found, and I've booked it, and I'm going to...

to try and talk her out of it. For her sake!

She'll only end up tearful and disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I wondered if you'd keep an eye on the boys?

You and Alan.

There's no point asking John, he'll just get Judith round again

-and trash the place.

-Yeah, of course we will, love.

Thank you.

CAROLINE SIGHS WITH RELIEF

What are your plans today?

Oh, we're going looking at a bungalow! Over at Ripponden.

You needn't look so worried, we're only looking.

Good morning. Mrs Buttershaw?

-How do you do.

-You have picked a super day.

It's a smashing view.

Well, it's all in with the price.

And this is my husband. And that's the baby.

We've not been married a week, and look.

You can't hang about, y'see, not when you get to our age.

Right.

He's pulling your leg, love. We're actually the great grandparents.

I know! And me only 36. Have you remembered the keys?

Yeah.

Boo! Boo! Yes!

Do you like it?

-What do you reckon?

-Oh, it's beautiful.

And we can afford it. Between us.

In theory.

I know.

It wouldn't need a lot doing. Maybe a new bathroom,

but other than that. That kitchen's beautiful.

We need to win t'lottery, then we'd have enough for everybody.

Are we kidding ourselves?

I think so, don't you?

Way things are at the moment.

It's her mother and father that ought to be forking out for stuff,

not you and Gillian.

You're giving her and the baby a roof over their heads,

least they can do is put their hands in their pockets.

Aye, but we can't make 'em, can we?

-You know your little house, up Barkisland.

-Yeah.

Have y'ever thought of getting it valued,

and then asking Darren and Kimberley if they'd like to buy it?

Then you'd not be turfing them out.

No. No, I hadn't thought of that.

Is it something you'd consider?

In theory. In practice I doubt it's something they could afford to do.

Well, you don't know.

They might have parents that'd like to try to help them along.

I can ask. But what'd be t'point?

If you're thinking of investing more money in Caroline's house?

You realise the alternative is you and me forever flitting

between Harrogate and Halifax.

Wouldn't it be nice to have somewhere of our own?

Well, it would, but...

I think you should tell Darren and Kimberley that

your circumstances've changed, and you need the capital

out of that house, whether they can afford to buy it or not.

Do you?

What's so funny?

You like home truths, don't you?

-Now and again.

-You like to call a spade a spade.

Yes, I do.

And here's some more...

I know you think Raff should stop on at school,

and I do understand why.

But the fact is, he's muckied his ticket.

And if you don't let him take responsibility for it,

he'll never grow up.

-Is that right?

-You know it is.

Do you know what I think?

Fire away.

I think you ought to tell Caroline to paddle her own canoe,

and cut her coat according to her cloth.

Nobody needs a house that big.

There's only four of 'em,

and William'll be off to university at the end of the summer.

-He'll be back in the holidays.

-Oh come on, Celia!

Her and Kate between 'em, they must earn a six figure salary.

Well, I've no idea.

Easily. Caroline probably earns that on her own.

Why should she expect money from you as well?

Caroline was very good to me after Kenneth died.

I'm sure she were, but now,

eight years on, your circumstances have changed.

She should sell that house

and find somewhere just as lovely only happen a bit smaller.

You do realise if you keep taking that baby out so much,

it's going to get very confused about who its mother is.

I'm serious!

What time will Gillian be home?

She's on t'late shift down at Greenhough's.

They close at eight, she's generally back by 20 past.

Is there anything I can be doing?

No, you're all right love.

It had a grand big sitting room.

They're very sought-after properties them up there.

-Are they?

-Oh, aye. It'd be a good investment, if nowt else.

It won't hang around, even wi' t'property market like it is.

I do like round here. I suppose it feels like coming home.

Well, it is, isn't it?

Nearly. Elland was our stomping ground.

What's Alan think?

Oh, he was just as taken with it as I was.

Are they all right now? Gillian and Alan?

Gillian and Alan? Yeah, I think so.

Cos you know she were really upset.

Oh, she was just bothered cos we got married without telling anyone.

No, I mean before.

That whole two weeks when you were over in Harrogate,

there were summat up.

Oh...something about Eileen. Her mother.

Something about being disappointed...

Oh, I know what it was.

Gillian had an abortion, apparently, when she was 15.

She had to leave school and, oh, it all got brought up again,

and it all seemed to be about that,

but don't say anything love.

I assume Raff doesn't know.

And what upset Gillian

was Alan saying how disappointed her mother was.

That's all, it's all water under t'bridge now, so.

I spoke to Greg.

You spoke to him? How?

He rang this afternoon. Just before you got back from work.

He wants to pop over for my birthday.

Actually on your birthday?

Well...

OK, but what if I'd made plans for your birthday?

Have you?

You didn't, you didn't...what... You didn't talk to him about...?

-I mentioned it.

-Mentioned it how?

Well, I explained. What we've discussed, and he said...

yeah, that he'd be more than happy to help out.

We've not made any, you know, plans.

Obviously. I said, obviously, you'd want to meet him first.

I've booked a hotel for a couple of nights.

Caroline.

Do you want me to cancel it?

No, oh, no...

but I want you to meet him. Soon.

-Where is it? The hotel.

-You're not suggesting...?

He could just meet us for a drink. I'm not suggesting that we do the...

No, I'm just suggesting that you meet him. Get to know him.

-I don't need to get to know him.

-You need to meet him.

-It's a bad idea.

-No. It's not. It's...

Fine, ask him for a drink. Maybe it's better that we meet him there,

-rather than here.

-What's the matter?

-What's the matter is that

you're going to get pregnant, possibly, with someone else, which

is fine in so far as you can't get pregnant with me,

but beyond that... It's...less fine.

There are things that I haven't...

processed, yet.

I assume I don't need to spell them out.

It is the most likely way for it to work.

You do know that whatever way, it's kind of unlikely, don't you?

I know the odds aren't great. Yes. I want to try though, Caroline.

And I'm terrified of leaving it any longer.

What if it doesn't happen?

-I'll deal with it.

-You'll get upset.

-Well...

It's better to try and fail again

before I give up for good, though, isn't it?

You've got a fantastic career.

You'll be the next head of languages - you will, no contest -

you could be a deputy head in a few very short years.

You've got what it takes, Kate.

I want to be somebody's mum.

Do you think we should get married?

Don't be daft.

-Hiya!

-Casserole for y'all in the oven.

Are you not stopping?

No, I'm... I've got stuff to do at home.

What's up?

Did you have an abortion when you were 15?

Was it mine?

Yeah.

Who's...? How's...?

Celia.

-Celia?

-Just...chatting. Just asked her why you and Alan fell out

when he stayed over in Harrogate.

You haven't to think, there was, I never...

Why did you never tell me?

I was 15.

I'd forgotten.

It'd have been 30-odd now.

31.

I could never have had it. There were no point telling you.

No.

-I'm sorry.

-No, I'm just...

I just never knew. I'd been a dad.

You weren't.

And then... you went off with our Eddie.

I'm not being funny, but I'm off home.

Right. And are you coming back?

-Not tonight.

-Will you ring me?

Are you dumping me?

I just don't want to be here. For a bit.

So, how is this "not being funny"? Then.

If you're "just going home"? Are you feeling sorry for yourself?

Cos I was the one that had to leave school,

I was the one that never got a crack at their A levels.

And I could've done, I wasn't thick.

I never told you, but I never inflicted anything on you either.

I'm going home.

Right.

(What a bitch.)

DOOR SLAMS AND POTS CLATTER

Is that you, love?

Yeah.

Yeah.

-Yeah, it's me.

-I fell asleep.

So did I.

Supper's ready. Where's Ellie?

Do you want to give her a shout?

-Robbie's gone.

-Has he?

Shall I set the table, love?

He's cooked everybody's tea, and now he's gone.

I didn't know he was here.

You did.

Did I?

Oh, he's been asleep.

He's gone, and he's not in a very good mood.

Has somebody said something to him?

What about?

-Me.

-How do you mean?

-Oh.

-What?

Celia told Robbie that I had an abortion when I was 15.

Well, the thing is,

he asked me why you and your dad'd fallen out, so...

-It was his.

-Whose?

-Robbie's.

-Robbie...?

So, and he never knew and now he does.

-So, he's gone.

-Robbie?

I used to see him before I started seeing Eddie.

Well, I...I didn't know that.

Why were you telling him stuff about me anyway?

Hey, just...let's just calm down.

I'd no idea.

Yeah. But what you do know, Celia, what you must know,

is that at the best of times that is a pretty indiscreet thing

to be saying about somebody to people.

She didn't know. I mean, I didn't know.

Yeah, but you get the bigger point?

She says she doesn't want any tea, she says she's not hungry.

I'm sorry. I am sorry, Gillian.

Well, he's gone anyway.

You know what?

I mean, that is...you're...

It's poisonous. Saying something like that.

I mean, you don't even know us. You don't know me.

To say something like that to somebody

when you've got no idea of the consequences...

Gillian.

What's going on?

Perhaps you'd like to tell our Raff as well, Celia?

Tell me what?

Look. I've said I'm sorry. If I'd known I'd not have...

I had an abortion when I was 15. Didn't I, Celia?

Do you want to go up and tell Ellie as well?

Who did? You did?

Yeah.

-You did?

-Yeah.

It was Robbie's and he never knew.

But he does now, because Celia's just told him,

and now he's gone.

Robbie? Not me dad?

Ellie needs to eat.

She can't not eat, it's only been a week since she gave birth.

Now, go upstairs and tell her to come down here. Now. Go on.

Look, I'm wondering if it was better if I went home to Harrogate.

No, it's fine. Look, Celia made a mistake.

She's apologised.

Oh, that's all right then.

Look, I think I will, I'm popping upstairs to get my things.

-What if I went and talked to Robbie?

-No.

-Were he cross?

-Quiet.

Well, then why don't I just pop down to his house and...

-No. I've said. You leave it.

-I'm going.

Well, if Celia's going back to Harrogate, I'll be going with her.

You know...I don't recognise you any more.

Going looking at dozy big bungalows that you know you can't afford...

Go get your things.

Chucking your money away on flash cars that eat petrol and

bugger up the environment. Not wanting anybody there

when you get wed. Me, Raff, your mates. Why? Eh? Why?

That is so not you.

And, you know, I have to be frank...

Dad, I don't like it.

I'm aware of that...

I'm increasingly aware of it.

Shall I tell you something? I have spent my life watching you

go after unsuitable beggars one after other!

You know what me and your mother always used to say?

Don't say stuff about my mum.

"Oh, aye, our Gillian, she always used to pick 'em."

Like it were funny.

But it weren't.

And have I ever fallen out with you about it?

Ever? All bloody stupid stuff you did.

All the bloody dozy stuff Eddie did. No.

I were here all the time, whenever you needed me.

You know what I'm talking about. So, don't you dare...

-She's a shit-stirrer!

-DON'T YOU DARE

say ANYTHING about Celia to me.

"Poisonous." I could've been in tears.

Do you want me to get involved? Do you want me to ring her?

-No.

-I'm off! Oh, hello, Celia.

-Hello, love.

-See you there.

Yeah.

OK, bye.

Is Alan all right? Is he here?

We drove back last night. Did you not hear us?

-How is he?

-I think he's had enough of her.

I think, between you and me,

it sounds like she's been a bit of a bloody nuisance all her life.

Never at school.

This is after she went back, after the abortion.

Always over in Manchester at night.

Pink hair, green eyebrows, studs everywhere.

Course this was when she started bothering with him.

Eddie.

Bloody Eddie.

Then a few other little incidents - shoplifting, joyriding.

It was all him.

But she were just daft enough to go along with it.

And who was it used to have to go doing all the apologising,

making amends and pointing out that she wasn't from a bad home,

she'd had a perfectly good upbringing, thank you...

..and we were just as upset and bemused

by t'way she carried on as anyone else.

Well...

I'm sorry you've had it all to put up with.

Aye, well...

Makes you wonder why you bother.

Well, that can't be any good for him. Not with his condition.

He's fine, he says.

He says as long as he's with me, nothing else matters.

I might ring her.

Oh, I wouldn't. You know she doesn't like you.

You shouldn't say things like that.

She's right jealous of you.

Oh, I don't...I've never...

You don't see it.

Right, well, OK. I'll keep out of it then.

Mum!

Morning.

Phone!

Who is it?

It's for you.

SHEEP BLEAT

Who?

Have you seen Ellie?

Bit early for Ellie, isn't it? Who is it?

She's not upstairs. She's not downstairs.

Her stuff's gone.

Well, she can't have just...?

I've rung her number. There's no answer.

-Well, when did she? I were up at six o' clock.

-No idea.

-Have you rung her mother's number?

-No.

Right. I will.

Not that I imagine it'll do me any good.

What're we going to with...?

I'm on a shift at Greenhough's this aft.

Well, I'm going to have to stop at home then.

No. That's...no. You're going to school.

But you've fallen out wi' me grandad again, haven't you, so...?

We'll manage. Won't we.

-Eh?

-How?

-Little Flossie.

How will you manage?

I'll manage. You're going to school.

-Hello?

-Gillian. It's Caroline.

Go get ready, pack your bag.

(I mean it...)

Hello?

It's Caroline.

Caroline.

Sorry, are you busy, is this a bad time?

-What do you want?

-If it's a bad time I'll ring later.

We've a lot on, it's best to just spit it out.

OK. Well, look...

..obviously, I don't know everything that's been said, but...

..my Mum came round this morning, and, um...

..well, she was upset.

Was she.

(Why?) Shh.

I think she knows she's put her foot in it, Gillian.

Yeah. Large style, big time.

The thing is...

she delves. I've lived with it all my life,

and I know that's possibly of no comfort or...

I, on the other hand, haven't, and I don't intend to start now.

OK, but can I just say that

she is very sorry and she is very upset.

Gillian?

-How's the baby?

-It's...

It's a baby.

Yeah, well...

Babies are, aren't they?

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going, Caroline.

I don't know which way's up.

You're tired. I can hear it in your voice.

I'm sorry I had a go at your mother,

but, conversely, on the other hand,

I'm sorry she put me in a position where I had to.

I know, I know. I do know, Gillian.

I don't suppose there's anything I can do?

Make excuses for me.

Tell her I'm mental.

Hormonal. Round the bloody bend.

Will everything be all right? With Robbie?

(Which one's Robbie?)

-(Shh) I dunno...

-(Policeman.)

..he's not rung me. And I've not rung him. So...

But, you know.

I've got to go, Caroline.

I've a thousand and million-one things to do.

Is me dad all right?

Yeah! Yeah. I will keep an eye on him.

I appreciate you ringing.

Call me. Any time.

Thanks.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

That...was your Auntie Caroline.

But right now...

..it's just you and me, kid.

That's terrific. Well, I'll start the ball rolling, then.

And I'm pleased for you, both of you.

It's a big thing, yeah, it's a step forward.

(Who you talking to?)

OK, love. OK, will do.

Ta-ta.

It's Kimberley.

Darren's got his hours back at the garage,

and she's spoken to her mum and,

subject to us agreeing a price, they would like to try

and raise a mortgage and buy it.

Oh!

Are you absolutely sure it's what you want to do?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

I'm not forcing you, I'm not leaning on you, I'm not manipulating you.

You can manipulate me any time you like.

What about Gillian?

Bugger Gillian. What about her?

I don't like all this bad feeling.

I need to ring an estate agent and get an idea of a fair price.

And it was my fault.

You apologised. I offered to go see Robbie. Forget her.

I think I might break it to Caroline that I'm putting my money

elsewhere after they come back from their mucky weekend.

What mucky weekend?

Oh, that reminds me.

They're going off on a mucky weekend.

I'm taking Kate to a nice little hotel for the weekend, next weekend,

just for her birthday.

It's Kate's birthday,

so she's taking her somewhere posh for a mucky weekend.

Granny will be here. Granny and Alan.

Right.

Right.

And William, but he'll be working, so...

We're baby-sitting the boys. I did tell you.

OK?

Whatever.

Not that they need baby-sitting at their age.

I mustn't have been listening.

Men don't.

Right, Mrs Buttershaw.

I need to do one or two more sums, so we can weigh up

what sort of offer we'd be in a position to make. Hmm?

Then I might take you out for lunch.

Oh.

Why don't you and Miss Mackenzie drive to school together?

Because we don't always finish work at the same time.

Please call her Kate.

Everyone knows, you know.

And you need to stop kidding yourself.

cos you just look like a hypocrite.

Which is not a cool message to be sending out to the

two-point-seven percent of kids in this school who will one day

turn out to be muff-munching, shirt-lifters.

I'll see you later.

She's taking Mackenzie off on a dirty weekend next weekend.

My Granny's looking after us.

Do you want to come round and watch Reservoir Dogs and get pissed

-and trash the place?

-Yeah.

Hello.

Hi.

So...

-Thanks for coming.

-No problem.

Tea?

So, where's Ellie gone? Do we know?

I rang her mum and she said she had no idea,

but then Harry phoned a bit later and said she was there.

At her mother's. Silly bitch.

Are you all right?

Well...

everyone's fallen out with me, again, so...

I'm kind of up shit creek without a paddle, again...

..so, God, I don't know...

It's a bit mad, isn't it?

You and me.

Well, I don't know. It's not very much madder than

almost everything else that's happened.

I'm wondering if you're right.

About Robbie.

Me and Robbie.

Really?

It's not just. It's...

SHE SIGHS

I did this thing once.

I've never told anyone.

Except me dad knows.

What thing?

It was when Eddie died.

To us.

I could get used to this, given another five minutes.

I think I already have.

To the manor born.

The good life.

Till death do us part.

I love you.

I love you.

I'm still feeling guilty.

So, don't.

I didn't even know she knew Robbie then.

Let it go.

I can't come between you and her.

It's, I'd...I can't do that.

I want to tell you summat.

I nearly did once before but...

I couldn't, so I told you only half a tale.

It were when Eddie died.

I should've called an ambulance.

And I didn't.

And I'm telling you because... it's been a burden to me for years.

He'd smashed his head open

with the log splitter down in t'barn.

And when I met you that day in Skipton...

and I remembered how much I was in love with you.

I was so happy.

So properly happy.

Like I hadn't been for years.

With this... business weighing me down.

So, what happened?

He'd done it on purpose...

he wanted to die.

But when I found him, he wasn't dead.

And I should've called an ambulance, but I didn't.

I should've helped him and instead...

..I just watched him die.

I told you she didn't call an ambulance,

but it were worse than that.

She'd finished him off...

..with a block of wood.

She killed him.

She said...

..she'd put him out of his misery.

There was nothing anybody could've done for him.

And I'm telling you this because...

I'd be nervous about getting in any deeper with Robbie, anyway.

Robbie knew. He tried to get her arrested,

but he couldn't prove owt.

He was very fond of Eddie.

They were adopted, there was only ever the pair of 'em.

Only person in the world who ever mattered to him, really, was Eddie.

And me.

And I let Eddie die.

So, how did you know?

Well, she told me. Soon as I got there.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth before.

But I couldn't, I've never told anyone.

I didn't tell Eileen. I couldn't have told Eileen.

So, we came up with this tale.

I used to have nightmares after.

I still do.

I sometimes wonder...

If it weren't...

..even suicide.

Although that's what coroner said.

The point is I've done enough for her over the years -

apologising, covering stuff up and now I'm happy...

..like I never imagined I would be

or deserved to be ever again.

And now we're buying this bungalow

and I'm putting all that behind me.

I'm sorry.

Yep.

Blimey.

I am...

very fond of you. And...I do think we could...

..be good for each other.

I'm going to look after the baby while you do your shift at Greenhough's.

You sure?

Go to work.

I can do babies.

I'm very good with babies.

BABY GURGLES

So, you're her are you? You're the whore.

-Greg!

-Kate.

-You're on the birth certificate as the father?

-Well, not yet.

Oh, well, you want to sort that out.

Celia, it's William. He's in Outpatients.

Outpatients?

You are unbelievable, you know that, don't you?

Somebody with a good heart like you shouldn't have

skeletons in their cupboard.

I'm looking for John. Is he here?

I want to have a child, I want to get on with it.

Something's happened. I need you to tell him something.

Bless you, you were one of life's treasures.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd