Episode 4 Last Tango in Halifax

What are we going to call this baby?

Gillian had an abortion when she was 15.

I want to be somebody's mum.

I just never knew I'd been a dad.

-You weren't.

-I'm not being funny but I'm off home.

It's poisonous. Saying something like that.

Don't you dare say anything about Celia to me!

They're going off on a mucky weekend.

I'm taking Kate to a nice little hotel for the weekend.

We're baby-sitting the boys.

Have you seen Ellie?

She's not upstairs. She's not downstairs. Her stuff's gone.

-Thanks for coming.

-No problem.

I want to tell you something.

He'd smashed his head open. With the log splitter.

Down in t'barn. He'd done it on purpose.

She'd finished him off.

With a block of wood. She killed him.

I'm going to look after the baby while you do your shift

-at Greenhough's.

-You sure?

I am...very fond of you.

Have I said too much?

No. No.

Have I upset you?

Well, it's a shock. I suppose.

You won't tell anyone? Not even Caroline.

I don't tell her everything.

Are you all right?

Well...

I know what it can feel like to feel trapped,

with the wrong person.

Yeah. Well, she were.

What could you have done,

if it'd all happened by the time you got there?

It's like I said before - when I gave you the edited version -

there were no way I were shopping her to t'police.

And it weren't just her! There were t'lad.

He were only seven.

What good could she have done him in prison?

You probably did the right thing. You probably did the only thing.

I'd've had to live with it either way, as what I'd done.

And Robbie suspected?

Yeah.

He looked into it. They'd have looked into it anyway,

and they did ask questions.

Lots of questions.

They had me in twice.

Who rang the police?

She did.

I told her it'd look odd if I'd got there

and then I'd been one to ring.

You kept your nerve.

I had to for her sake.

And I had to hope to God she'd keep hers.

Because if she hadn't, I'd have been an accessory after the fact.

I was an accessory after the fact.

I am an accessory after the fact.

Anyway, look.

That is why she ought to be a bit more grateful,

a bit more courteous, and why, ten years on,

it's no hardship to me to put a little distance between me

and her, and if I never have reason to set foot in that barn again...

I'd be a very happy man.

I am a very happy man.

Like I never imagined that I could be, ever again.

It's ten past three. Aren't we meant to be looking after Lawrence?

DOOR OPENS

Hello?

Hello!

Hello.

Hi. How're you? How's things?

Pretty weird.

Course.

Where's me mum?

Work. I offered to look after...

Right.

She rang. And she sounded pretty low,

so I offered to pop over and help out.

Why did she ask you?

Oh. Well. Just... I dunno.

So, you've driven 60 miles over from Harrogate to baby-sit?

Well not just... As I say, she sounded rather low, so...

Right. Do you want some tea?

Got some. Thanks.

OK. Well I'm here now anyway, so...

if you wanted to miss rush hour. M62 gets well jammed.

-Especially on a Friday.

-Oh. No. The thing is,

she invited me to stay for supper.

Oh. OK.

Are you all right with her, then? If I play on the Xbox?

-Sure!

-Or she can come and sit and watch me.

How are things? With... is it Ellie?

She's cleared off.

Oh, she's at her mother's. Gillian said.

She had a phone call from someone. Harry?

Right. I don't know then. How things are. Legally.

I don't know if that means she's left her with me and that's it,

or if it means she can just come back any time she likes

and just take her.

No. No. You have rights too.

You're on the birth certificate as the father.

-Not yet, we've not...

-Oh, well. You'll want to sort that out.

I would, straightaway, right now.

You've got to protect your interests.

The law is weighted massively,

ridiculously on the side of the mother.

If you're not even on the birth certificate, legally you're...

stuffed.

Listen, I'm talking as someone whose relationship with his children

has been really compromised by being married

to a mad manipulative lesbian.

I thought it was cos you had a fling wi' that, um....

Judith?

Why don't I drive you into Halifax? Get it done.

-Now?

-You need to phone her. Ellie.

Tell her we'll pick her up. You both need to be there.

Ten o'clock, no later than.

Don't let him persuade you that it's the weekend

and he can stay up till any time he likes.

Keep an eye on how much snackage he gets through otherwise

he won't eat any of the meals you go to the trouble of preparing for him.

9:30 in the morning he needs to be at rugby. He knows that,

but if you can be on top of it as well. What else?

I've invited Angus round for a sleep-over.

Can you handle that?

Is he Scottish?

No.

I imagine we'll muddle through.

Right. I'm going to get changed.

Me and Kate can give you a lift to work, Will, if you like.

-It's on our way.

-Yeah. Whatever.

Sorry, was that, "Thanks, Mum, thanks for offering me a lift

"to work so I don't have to catch a bus"?

Bloody hate that job.

You know he hates that job.

Yes, well, when he's been to university he'll be able to get

a properly-paid job that doesn't bore him rigid, won't he?

And he'll appreciate it more. How's Alan?

He's fine, he's watching Countdown.

I rang Gillian.

I thought I told you not to.

I think she knows she overreacted.

I said don't ring her!

I told her you were upset and sorry,

and she says she thinks she's probably a bit hormonal.

I asked you not to interfere.

I was worried about her.

You were worried about her?

Both of you. I was worried about both of you.

I'm going to get changed.

Yeah, go on. Slink off.

What about something literary?

Oh, yes.

Like...?

Like Vita. Or Virginia.

Or...Aphra...

-Who?

-Behn.

Isn't that a boy's name?

I want to call her Elsie, after my grandad's mother.

Elsie.

-That is so old.

-So?

She were a character were Alan's mother.

By God, she was.

Do you remember that time she hit you over t'head with a frying pan?

I've still got a mark to prove it.

Six-year-old. I were seeing stars for a fortnight.

You shouldn't have said that about her big knickers on t'washing line.

It were only an observation, it wasn't a criticism.

Right, Elsie then.

No, not Elsie. And can you keep right out of it?

You don't even have an opinion. You left her.

I didn't leave her.

I just needed a break.

We're not calling her Elsie.

My mother were called Myra.

That's one you don't hear so much any more.

Surprise, surprise.

You're not helping, Grandad!

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me. Hello?

Hey, Popsicle. 'Tis I.

Your favourite son.

-Lawrence!

-Where's the DVD of Reservoir Dogs?

And don't you go around telling people I left her.

Angus is coming round and Mum said we could watch it,

-and I can't find it.

-Are you sure Caroline said...?

-Yeah, do you want to talk to her?

-No. No, no. It's...

And you do not tell me I don't have an opinion!

Oh, I've got it! Got it, thanks.

-No problem.

-Where are you?

I'm... I'm... I'm in Halifax.

Cool. Bye!

Oh, have we agreed on something?

Emily Jane.

It's what me grandad calls her.

Oh, that's good! That works. Emily Bronte. Emily Jane Bronte.

"I'll walk where my own nature would be leading."

Who are you again?

"It vexes me to choose another guide."

-He's...

-I'm... I'm...

I'm Celia's son-in-law.

Oh, aye.

So, why did she ring you to come and baby-sit again?

I'm writing a novel. It's set on a farm, partly, here,

in West Yorkshire. I thought it would help if I could...

immerse myself. In things.

A bit.

So I thought I'd cook for everyone.

If that's...?

Cool.

Do you want to see it?

Course I want to see it!

Here.

And we couldn't decide whose surname to use, so we put both.

Only we put ours first, cos it's alphabetical.

So what was Harry and Maurice doing there?

They were round at their house when we called.

Emily Jane Greenwood-Wallace.

Well that's...a gobful.

For somebody who only weighs six pounds, three ounces.

I'm going to ring grandad and tell him.

He'll be pleased, that was his name for her.

Right, well, if you do, say hello to him...from me.

And, me and Ellie's seeing each other down Ripponden.

-Tonight, for a drink.

-Is that right?

We've decided we ought to take things steady for a bit

and see what happens.

Take things steady.

Yeah.

OK, and who's looking after Her Ladyship? Grandma Buggins?

Well, I said I would.

Yeah, so...

Oh, text from Greg.

He says he's running on time

and he's looking forward to meeting us in the bar at 6.30.

When we were leaving, just before, my mum said this thing.

She said, "We've discussed it and Alan doesn't mind

"if you want to call him dad now we're married."

Is that not...? That's nice.

-Isn't it?

-I don't know. I like Alan.

I like him a lot but he's not my dad. My dad's dead.

But he's still me dad. He'll always be me dad for all his faults.

Did you say that?

No. She wouldn't want to hear it.

-Hello, ladies.

-Hello.

I've... We've got a reservation.

OK, name?

What you thinking?

I thought you'd had such a calm, uncomplicated life compared to me

with Kenneth. I'm sorry you haven't.

And I've embroiled you in it now. Is that what you're thinking?

No. No. I'm glad you can tell me things.

Somebody with a good heart like you

shouldn't have skeletons in their cupboard.

It does still bother me.

Aye, he were an alcoholic more or less, he were handy with his fists,

but he'd grown up in care.

So I imagine it weren't entirely his fault

that he turned out like he did.

Happen he'd have died anyway.

Happen.

Or had brain damage.

Happen she did him a favour.

If it was suicide.

Is there still more to it than you've said?

No. No. Only that.

Right, well.

If that's what the Coroner said.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that'll be Angus.

Angus is here!

Let's live with what's on the table.

Wassu...?!

Which one are you again?

-Lawrence.

-Who is it?

OK, Lawrence. Where's Daddy?

Can I help you?

Yes. I'm looking for John.

He's not here.

Well, where is he then?

Who wants to know?

-I do.

-That's Judith.

Is it.

-And you are...?

-I'm Caroline's mother.

Ah...

So you're her, are you? You're the whore.

Whoa...Granny. Angus!

OK, look. I need to know where John is.

Well, bad luck.

I don't want a fight.

Well, you've probably come to the wrong place then.

-I just want to know...

-You've got some bare-face cheek, coming here!

-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh, is that me?

-That's you.

-Have you any idea where he's likely to be?

Not the slightest.

Let's face it, you're more likely to know than any of us.

-It's Raff.

-All right, can I speak to Caroline then?

-No. You can't.

-Hello?

It's me, Grandad! We've been up to t'registry office in Halifax!

-Is Caroline in?

-No.

-Been where?

-Do you know where John is?

We've registered the baby.

Oh, aye? Sorry?

-Oh, my God.

-What?

-Wow.

-What?

-And guess what we've called her?

-What?

-You're Celia. He's Alan.

-And?

You're the couple that fell in love and got married.

-So?

-No, it's just...

You can't call a baby that.

I think that's really, really, really amazing.

Do we look like we give a stuff about what you think?

You are joking?

What've they called it?

Yeah, no, I get that, but...

Calamity Jane.

No, Grandad. Not...

They've never.

He's in Halifax.

-Sorry?

-He rang. Earlier. My dad.

-Said he's in Halifax.

-Oh, Emily Jane!

What's he doing in Halifax?

Dunno. This way. That's Granny.

-Hi, Granny.

-That's Alan.

He's gone to see her.

Who?

Gillian. That's your daughter.

-Has he?

-Have you got an address?

I think I need my ears syringed! You what?

What's Gillian's address?

What's he gone there for?

He's obsessed with her.

Oh, and me mum says to say "hello," Grandad.

I think she's sorry.

Grandad?

Hello.

Shall I sit here?

If you like.

Do you want a drink?

We've got ten minutes.

So...

Tell me some more about him.

I've told you everything there is to say.

Anyway, I thought you weren't that interested.

Can I have a gin and tonic? Thank you.

I am. I am interested.

You said you didn't need to get to know him.

No. But we're here now, so...

You look beautiful.

You are unfff...believable. You know that, don't you?

Kate. What you have to remember is that...

I was so thrilled, I was so delighted when you told me

-you'd booked this place.

-OK, but...

I was so flattered because it was like for the first time,

you were happy to acknowledge outside the house

that I was your partner.

And then you go and book two separate rooms!

Mentally, I've left.

Mentally, I'm not even here.

Physically, I'm here because Greg's coming, and I'd like to see him.

-Beyond that...

-Oh, look. OK...

I put up with it at work arriving in separate cars,

-because I understand...

-That's just a practical arrangement.

You're the boss, you're high profile, you need to be discreet.

But this! And you know what, Caroline,

they all know. You've not fooled anyone, they all know.

And it just makes us look sad, actually.

I'm not trying to fool anyone.

It makes us look embarrassed and old-fashioned and ridiculous.

You should've said something when we checked in if you weren't happy.

I was too stunned, I was too, "Did I just hear that?"

Look. All right. This isn't easy for me.

I was going to book a double room when I rang up, and then...

What?

I couldn't.

Why not? Why not?

Do you think we're the first gay couple who've ever stayed here?

Sh.

Anyway, I popped in at reception earlier and I said,

"Actually me and my girlfriend, the woman I sleep with,

"the woman I have sex with, would like a double room, please,

"instead of these two singles."

-Did you?

-No. I was tempted,

but then I thought sod it.

You see, for me, if I'd been booking this,

the whole point would've been that I got to spend

two whole days and nights in the same room as you.

That would've been the single biggest thing that made me

want to book it in the first place.

But obviously for you that wasn't a thing, so...

We can still sleep together.

Sneaking around like a couple of sad idiots

in a bedroom farce from the 1970s?

No, thanks.

Look. I'm still getting used to this.

To what? Caroline. It's 2013. You're 46.

You know in Iran they still stone women to death for having

any sort of...genital...

sexual contact.

This is Yorkshire.

-You take my point.

-Not really.

Sometimes I still feel a bit weird about it, that's all.

It's not personal, it's not about you, it's about me. And suddenly,

on the phone when I was booking, I panicked.

And I knew you'd be cross, but I didn't know what to do about it.

Caroline, you're a doctor of philosophy. You run a huge school.

You have the welfare of 857 children in your hands on a daily basis.

You don't panic!

I panicked!

I panicked.

I was talking to a testosterone stacked 18-year-old...

..jock who couldn't spell "Elliot!"

Well, the L's and the T's aren't always obvious.

And I lost my bottle!

Why?

Cos, because...

Because I'm me.

I'm not falling for that, Caroline. Not any more.

You've blown it.

Don't say that, please. Don't say that!

-Greg!

-Kate! How are you?

I'm good, I'm great, I'm really well. Look at you!

You look fantastic.

Yeah, I feel fantastic! And the good news is... Hi.

..is I've checked in, I've booked a room,

so I can join you for dinner, if that's...?

Yeah! Wow. That's great! What're you drinking?

Are you drinking?

I am drinking!

Cos you stopped!

So tell us about this novel, then.

Oh, the novel. Well, it's barely started.

It's at a very preliminary stage.

What's the plot?

Well, essentially,

it's a sort of... Well, it's a family saga.

I suppose, potentially.

OK, and what happens?

-Well...

-Who's in it besides me?

-Well, when I said it was you...

-Are you in it?

I didn't mean literally you, I meant more...

-Am I in it?

-..more sort of you were

a sort of inspiration, as it were.

If that doesn't sound too...

-Wanky.

-Yeah.

-Does a bit.

-Good word.

Am I your muse?

Well, at the risk of sounding wanky again...

Wow. I've never been anybody's muse before. Not that I'm aware of.

There's a surprise.

Sod off! Oops! Sorry, Calamity.

That's going to stick now thanks to deaf Grandad.

I like it. I wish they'd called me that.

It sounds like someone who can kick ass.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

"Whah, Calam!

"That sounds like the door."

Sorry.

Oh, hello.

I overreacted.

Calamity Jane. They've been to the Registry Office.

You are kidding.

Half kidding. Emily Jane.

I am sorry.

But I'm sticking with Calamity. Because..it's got a certain...

je ne sais quoi.

It was a long time ago, and it must've been horrible,

and you had it to deal with, and I'm sorry.

Has Uncle Robbie had his tea?

Robbie's here.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Sit down. I'll get you a plate.

Right, I'm off.

John's here. He's staying over.

He's doing some research.

He's writing a novel.

Right.

I've had another bust-up wi' me dad cos o' yesterday.

How?

Because I had a go at Celia, didn't I?

For opening her trap to you.

Sorry.

How's Caroline?

She's... She's... I don't know.

She still...?

I don't have a huge amount to do with her.

So what's it about then, this novel?

Josh Hepworth. Do you remember him? You do. He fancied you. Brown hair.

Five foot ten. Scarf, acne. Brogues, he always wore brogues.

He lived in the same house as PJ in second year.

We went to a party there once. Fancy dress.

Who did we go as?

Shit, I don't remember. Lizzie drank too much.

Surely not.

And she puked this spectacular tidal wave of multicoloured vomit

-into a doorway at Woolworths!

-This is ringing a bell.

Anyway, I'm in Oslo and I bump into Josh Hepworth!

How mad is that? Yeah, he works there. In Oslo!

He's working for Ericsson. I was just on holiday...

Let it go.

I would, only it sickens me.

Don't let it.

Maybe Judith wasn't the first.

If he can insinuate himself so readily into women's beds,

what does that mean?

Has he been mucking about behind Caroline's back for years?

I know she's wondered.

Aye, well, she's shot of him now, isn't she?

Anyway, look on the bright side.

He'll have met his match with our Gillian. One way or another.

Utter, utter rubbish. I can't watch television.

Not with anything police-related.

I'm just chucking a beer can at t'telly. I'm going, "What trash!"

"Do your research, would it kill you?"

I'm going, "Come and talk to me!

"I'll tell you how we investigate a murder."

Not Inspector Doo-dah in his wacky car with Sergeant Pillock side-kick.

There's a team, a whole team of dedicated, professional,

highly-trained officers.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I could tell you some stories.

I could tell you what to put in your book.

What's it about again?

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Who the 'ell's that?

-Where's the fire?

-Sorry?

Is someone's arse on fire? Banging like that.

Do you need a bucket o' water? Eh? A bucket o' sand?

Are you Gillian?

-I might be.

-I'm looking for John. Is he here?

-And you are?

-Judith.

Is that summat to do wi' you?

Are you? Well, well, well.

Well, well, well. What do you want?

Him. I know he's here.

You bastard!

Sorry? Hang on, what?

What's this? This was my idea.

What was?

To write a novel about two old people in love!

It was not! We discussed it, certainly, but it was me who...

And I said, "That'd make a great story!"

It must've been obvious to you what my intention was.

Well, I could say that!

I could say it must've been obvious to you what my intention was

when I said, "That'd make a great story"

No.

You were talking about it as a thing that had happened, was happening,

and I was the one saying, "That'd make a great novel".

-That's really not...

-You're a plagiarist.

-No.

-You've even copied ideas I talked about!

Writing it from Bathsheba Everdene's point of view.

That was, that was, that was entirely my idea.

No. I put the idea in your head.

This is a fantasy, you've misremembered.

-No.

-You'd probably had a drink.

You'd definitely had a drink!

Judith. It's my story. This is my family!

You don't even know these people!

So bloody what? Shakespeare didn't know Richard III!

It didn't stop him writing a shitty play about him!

I would not steal someone else's idea.

Let me explain to you the difference between observing something

and making the decision to write about it.

I understand what you're saying...

Why don't you both calm down?

-There's a baby trying to sleep here.

-This is Robbie.

Is it? God.

Wow! What a fascinating menage.

What's that supposed to mean?

They've slept together. These two. Well, I'm saying that.

I've only got his word for it, so obviously it may be just another

of his little wish-fulfilment fantasies.

Who knows? Sorry.

That's, that's just not true.

Really? So you made that up too?

How dare you.

No. No. I didn't make anything up.

-You told her that I'd slept with you?

-No! I didn't. She's lying!

I'm not lying, that's what he told me.

You may have got the wrong end of the stick...then.

So you made that up just like you're saying this tripe was your idea

when it wasn't!

-Have you slept together?

-No.

What did he tell you?

Nothing! I didn't tell her anything.

Describe to me the language he used.

Language?

Well...he was here, obviously.

Drunk. Upset. Angry,

cos he'd just found out that Caroline'd been shopping

round the corner, and...

Celia was here. She was upset too. cos he was mouthing off.

And Alan. And you were here. And it was Caroline's birthday!

I'd cut an artery open with a broken bottle.

It was your birthday too. They have the same birthday.

Well, it was that night he claimed it happened.

Although he said he was so pissed the next day

he barely remember what happened.

And like I say, he's probably making it up.

She's making it up.

How can she be making it up? She wasn't here.

Yes, but we didn't, we didn't...

All right! We did.

We did, and so what?

You're clearly no good for her, so why don't you just clear off?

Huh?

You've made her life a living hell in the past,

trying to get her arrested when she was at her most vulnerable.

Yes! I know all about it!

And now you prey on her because you know how generous and good

-and kind-hearted she is

-Prey on her?

Yeah, well, get lost! She doesn't need you, she doesn't want you.

She rang me to come over and help

because she was at the end of her tether with everything.

With all of you, and especially with you.

Is this true?

Some of it.

Partially.

After yesterday.

The sleeping with bit?

Shit. Shit! Oh, shit.

MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel

What the hell's going on?

Granny, get your gun! He's doused me in petrol

and he's cut my ear clean off and now he's going to set alight to me!

-What's all this sticky, mucky mess?

-Ahh! You shot me, Granny.

Don't you Granny me, you monkey! Just look at this mess!

Are you drunk?

Why's there two of you, Granny?

What've you been drinking? How much've you had?

It is not funny!

Celia? It's William. He's in outpatients.

Outpatients?

Hilarious! He spent four days in intensive care!

That is so not hilarious!

Listen, gosh, we should talk about the baby, the baby plan.

I just need to find the bathroom, and then you can tell me

more about what you have in mind.

Shan't be a tick.

Well, I don't think I've ever met anyone who's quite so fond

of the sound of their own voice.

Right, well, I'm going to bed.

Because I can't stand any more of this bloke's self-obsessed drivel.

OK.

I'm sure neither of you'll mind whether I'm here or not.

Thought not. Good night then.

Good night.

I'm sorry we've been so long.

We had to wait at the police station to report it.

-What happened?

-Just these two idiots.

Yeah. You sit down there.

I'll make us all a nice cup of tea.

Where's Starsky and Hutch?

In bed. Fast asleep.

I started trying to tidy t'kitchen,

but I really didn't know where things went.

How are you feeling, lad?

I left work. I walked out.

Because I couldn't stand it any more.

I get talked to like crap by the chef and one of the waiters,

they're both jerks, they both think they're special, and the truth is

they haven't got one brain cell to rub together between 'em.

So I walked out. I didn't want to come home.

So I went into town.

I was going to go to this club

where some of 'em from school go.

There's this girl I like.

Grace, she goes there.

So I was getting some money out of the cash point...

..and there's two of them and this lad goes,

"Lend us 50p."

And I was stupid,

I took my wallet out

and they smacked me in the head, they got me on the floor,

and they kicked me...

where they shouldn't, then they went through my pockets.

I...

I couldn't move I was in so much pain and I couldn't stop them...

And they were laughing, and calling me stupid.

Calling me names.

Could you remember what they looked like

when you spoke to the police?

Yeah.

Good.

Me mum'll go mad, she'll go,

"Trust you not to be able to hold down a job".

Well, I don't know your mum as well as you do,

but I can't imagine she will.

I couldn't stand it. They made me feel like a freak.

Like I was the odd one out. I always feel like the odd one out.

You won't.

First time I met you, I remember thinking,

"What a smashing young fella".

Up at farm.

Me and Celia's little engagement party.

You shook my hand, and I thought, "What a fine young man".

I'll tell you something I've learned over the years,

and it's taken me a long time, but I've just about got it sussed now.

Life's all about confidence.

And the only way you gain confidence is by putting yourself

into situations where you do feel a little bit out of your depth.

Like you did, with this job.

Where you do feel uncomfortable, where you do have to deal

with people who you might not naturally be drawn to.

And I really admire you for doing that. For trying.

And the thing to do next, is to dust yourself down

and get right back in there and try something else.

cos you can only get stronger.

And you might feel like the odd one out now, but you won't.

You're going places. They aren't.

I only wish our Raff were going places with you.

I got your text.

Are you joining me? Or are you waiting for Greg?

What time's he leaving?

I don't know.

I came back downstairs last night to try and find you,

but you weren't here.

You weren't in here, you weren't in the bar

and you weren't in your bedroom.

I knocked. Twice.

I went back half an hour later.

He invited me up to his room. For a nightcap.

Oh, you've made a start?

No. We just talked.

All right. Look. I'm sorry, I am sorry. I was a coward.

I won't be again. But I do have to say, for me,

if we are going to be parents, this bloke is the wrong person.

He's perfect from my point of view.

I couldn't go through with it, not with him. He's...

He's a jerk.

He's one of my oldest friends.

Whatever impression you got last night, he is not a jerk.

I think I'm going to have to give up on the idea

of buying John out of the house.

I think it's unrealistic.

It'd just be a burden.

Right.

Would you like any tea or coffee?

Neither, yet, thanks. I'm waiting for someone else.

I want to get pregnant, I want to have a child,

I want to get on with it.

Yeah, all right, fine. But...

I don't need your blessing. Not any more. Not after yesterday.

And what you just said, about the house.

You were doing it for all the wrong reasons anyway.

-You don't want what's best for me, you never did.

-That's not true.

You want what's best for you all the time.

I worry about how upset you'd be if it doesn't happen...

And I don't think you'll change, Caroline, you're...

..or if you got pregnant and then lost it again.

You're too old to change. I think it'll always be about you.

That's not true.

Don't worry about my bill. I'll pay for myself.

Are you dumping me?

No. I don't think so.

I don't think anything ever really started. Did it?

A couple of embarrassed fumbles.

It's just been a bit of an odd mess really, hasn't it?

Which is a shame. Because I would've done absolutely anything for you.

We didn't do anything last night but that is still the plan.

We're both going to stay here tonight.

No, look. This was meant to be...

Oh, I know what it was meant to be, Caroline.

It was meant to be you and me. It was meant to be my birthday.

I was so happy when we got here.

Yesterday.

But you blew it.

You blew it before Greg even turned up, so don't blame him.

This is hard for me.

Yeah, well grow up. You think it's easy for anyone?

Only don't bother, don't grow up. Not on my account.

I made some coffee.

Well done. Where's your girlfriend? Her car's still outside.

-She's not my girlfriend.

-Yeah, where is she?

-I've got no idea.

-There's somebody crashed out in my bed.

She polished off them other two bottles of wine you bought

in less time than it takes me to bend over and tie one shoe lace,

and my emergency supply of medicinal brandy

seems to have disappeared as if by magic as well.

She really is the real McCoy. I'm afraid.

She doesn't just languish in the amateur division

-like you and me, you mean?

-I haven't a bloody clue whose that car is.

-She's probably nicked it.

-You all right, darling? How was your night?

Nice.

-They're taking it steady.

-I heard.

Shit, what've you done to your face?

Your Uncle Robbie's fallen out wi' me again.

Why?

He... Well, he's got wrong end o' t'stick. Yet again, so...

What about this time?

It's all too ridiculous.

Did he do that?

PHONE RINGS

What fresh hell is this?

Hello.

Harry! No, he's in Harrogate.

Oh, no...

You sure you don't want any bacon and eggs, boys?

Sausages, black pudding, fried bread.

Cooked in lard!

Aye, with custard on top!

Shut up.

You shouldn't have cleaned the kitchen, Gran.

You should've left it and made them do it.

Well, I was tempted.

-Idiots.

-Shut up, Beano Boy.

PHONE RINGS That's you.

Hello?

Dad? It's me. Gillian. Listen. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I spoke to Celia like I did. Can I...?

Can I talk to her?

It's our Gillian. She wants to say sorry.

Hello?

Celia. Listen. I'm sorry.

You didn't know I knew Robbie then, and I overreacted.

And I'm sorry.

Well, that's all right, love, I...

-Is me dad all right?

-Yeah, he's fine, love.

OK. Look. Something's happened.

I need you to tell him something.

And he might be upset.

I'd tell him myself, but it might be best coming from you.

Cos you're with him.

And he loves you.

What time are you supposed to be there?

-9:30.

-That's going to look good, isn't it?

The head teacher's son and his stupid friend,

the two plonkers that don't turn up.

Right, upstairs, pair of you, come on, get changed, I'll drive you in.

Yes, love. I will.

Ta-ta.

They're supposed to be at a rugby match.

Has summat happened?

Sit down.

Maurice is dead.

A neighbour found him at the bottom of his stairs just this morning.

They think a stroke.

Are you all right?

He'd have known nothing about it if it was a stroke.

Shall I make some fresh tea?

In a minute.

A bit of sugar in it.

Aye.

I am sorry.

Aye. Aye.

He were a nice man.

Kind. Do anything for anybody.

Yeah.

I've known him all my life. He's always been there. Uncle Maurice.

Me dad's known him since they were tiny.

They were in infants together at t'Board Knackers.

Sorry?

There was the National School and The Board School.

-Not boarding school, just...

-No.

The Board School.

So you were either a Nashbog, or a Board Knacker.

Me dad and Maurice were Board Knackers. Celia was a Nashbog.

But Maurice and me dad...

Aww.

In their little shorts. During t'war.

Aww.

Bless him, Maurice.

I better ring back, see if me dad's all right.

Yeah.

Damn.

What?

Death. Dying. It's a bitch.

Fancy, him going before me.

He were right as rain last time I saw him.

Who'd have thought?

Who would've thought?

Ironic thing is, we've had a bit of good news since.

You know that bungalow we went to see?

When I said we were just looking?

Well, we put in an offer.

And the estate agent rang just before lunch to say

the people selling it've said yes.

Right. Gosh.

Well, that's...

I know you wanted us to put money in here, but realistically...

No, it's fine, I don't.

It's... I should never have asked, it was...

I just didn't want to face up to it, Mum,

but I have to. I'm going to have to let it go.

What about Kate putting money in?

-Is that not...?

-No, that's...

-I've blown it.

-How?

I'm just no...good at things.

Sometimes.

Maurice were a kind, good man,

in his private life, and in his public life as a local councillor.

For over 30 years he served the people of Ripponden.

And he always did it with enthusiasm,

integrity and a good heart.

He always had time for people.

Anyone and everyone, young and old.

My only regret with Maurice, on a personal note,

is I didn't ask him to be my best man

when Celia and I got married.

I couldn't choose between him and Harry,

and I still don't know that I could choose between 'em even now.

Even if I still had t'choice.

But the point is...

I don't have t'choice. And for that, I'm sorry.

So very deeply sorry.

Bless you, Maurice, you were one of life's treasures.

It's been a week. Did... did... Did you...?

Yes. We did.

Wow.

Well.

Mm. So...

I've finished what I came into this room to do, and so now...

I'm leaving it.

Right.

What were John doing at our house?

He still fancies me. Nothing happened.

I heard what he had to say, weighed things up,

and then I sent him packing.

Did Judith turn up?

She did! Yes.

What was all that about?

They're both reckoning to write a novel. About you two.

-I know.

-She reckoned it was her idea,

he reckoned it was his.

I was always under the impression it was our idea.

Dozy buggers.

Y'all right, 'Arry lad?

Eh? Oh, aye, yeah. Just...you know.

I'm wondering if we should get married again.

Properly. Proper big do, no expense spared. Invite everybody.

Everybody we've ever heard of.

Would you like to be my best man? Harry? If we did?

I don't know. It might feel a bit...

Not right now.

Shuddup, y'nitwit! Say yes!

Oh, assuming I'm invited.

I assume I come under the umbrella of "everybody you've ever heard of".

I'll do it, Grandad. I'll be yer best man.

Ey, bugger off, you! If anybody's doing it, it'll be me.

In honour of Maurice.

Maurice.

Well, what do you reckon? Will you marry me?

Again?

Oh, go on, then!

Yay!

Yes!

Get a room!

Can I go and live with my dad?

I really don't think that's a good idea.

Robbie's got this new girlfriend.

Hello. I'm Cheryl. How'd you do?

She's moving in with him apparently.

How are the wedding plans going?

He's gone and invited Ted, his brother.

-It's her sister.

-Has Celia got a sister?

-Alan Buttershaw!

-Be honest.

You haven't actually sold your house?

That's t'plan.

I've offered to organise the wedding for them

and I said you'd help me.

Mum. Dad went out. Can you come and get me?

I am so deep in the doghouse it won't ever be worth trying to get out.

Lawrence?! Where is Lawrence?

I never told anyone this.

Don't tell me something you're going to regret.

-I want to tell you.

-OK...

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