Episode 4 Last Tango in Halifax


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Transcript


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What are we going to call this baby?

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Gillian had an abortion when she was 15.

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I want to be somebody's mum.

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I just never knew I'd been a dad.

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-You weren't.

-I'm not being funny but I'm off home.

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It's poisonous. Saying something like that.

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Don't you dare say anything about Celia to me!

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They're going off on a mucky weekend.

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I'm taking Kate to a nice little hotel for the weekend.

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We're baby-sitting the boys.

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Have you seen Ellie?

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She's not upstairs. She's not downstairs. Her stuff's gone.

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-Thanks for coming.

-No problem.

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I want to tell you something.

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He'd smashed his head open. With the log splitter.

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Down in t'barn. He'd done it on purpose.

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She'd finished him off.

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With a block of wood. She killed him.

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I'm going to look after the baby while you do your shift

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-at Greenhough's.

-You sure?

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I am...very fond of you.

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Have I said too much?

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No. No.

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Have I upset you?

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Well, it's a shock. I suppose.

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You won't tell anyone? Not even Caroline.

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I don't tell her everything.

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Are you all right?

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Well...

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I know what it can feel like to feel trapped,

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with the wrong person.

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Yeah. Well, she were.

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What could you have done,

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if it'd all happened by the time you got there?

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It's like I said before - when I gave you the edited version -

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there were no way I were shopping her to t'police.

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And it weren't just her! There were t'lad.

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He were only seven.

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What good could she have done him in prison?

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You probably did the right thing. You probably did the only thing.

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I'd've had to live with it either way, as what I'd done.

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And Robbie suspected?

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Yeah.

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He looked into it. They'd have looked into it anyway,

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and they did ask questions.

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Lots of questions.

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They had me in twice.

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Who rang the police?

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She did.

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I told her it'd look odd if I'd got there

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and then I'd been one to ring.

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You kept your nerve.

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I had to for her sake.

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And I had to hope to God she'd keep hers.

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Because if she hadn't, I'd have been an accessory after the fact.

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I was an accessory after the fact.

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I am an accessory after the fact.

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Anyway, look.

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That is why she ought to be a bit more grateful,

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a bit more courteous, and why, ten years on,

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it's no hardship to me to put a little distance between me

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and her, and if I never have reason to set foot in that barn again...

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I'd be a very happy man.

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I am a very happy man.

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Like I never imagined that I could be, ever again.

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It's ten past three. Aren't we meant to be looking after Lawrence?

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DOOR OPENS

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Hello?

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Hello!

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Hello.

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Hi. How're you? How's things?

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Pretty weird.

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Course.

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Where's me mum?

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Work. I offered to look after...

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Right.

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She rang. And she sounded pretty low,

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so I offered to pop over and help out.

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Why did she ask you?

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Oh. Well. Just... I dunno.

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So, you've driven 60 miles over from Harrogate to baby-sit?

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Well not just... As I say, she sounded rather low, so...

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Right. Do you want some tea?

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Got some. Thanks.

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OK. Well I'm here now anyway, so...

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if you wanted to miss rush hour. M62 gets well jammed.

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-Especially on a Friday.

-Oh. No. The thing is,

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she invited me to stay for supper.

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Oh. OK.

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Are you all right with her, then? If I play on the Xbox?

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-Sure!

-Or she can come and sit and watch me.

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How are things? With... is it Ellie?

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She's cleared off.

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Oh, she's at her mother's. Gillian said.

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She had a phone call from someone. Harry?

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Right. I don't know then. How things are. Legally.

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I don't know if that means she's left her with me and that's it,

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or if it means she can just come back any time she likes

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and just take her.

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No. No. You have rights too.

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You're on the birth certificate as the father.

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-Not yet, we've not...

-Oh, well. You'll want to sort that out.

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I would, straightaway, right now.

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You've got to protect your interests.

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The law is weighted massively,

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ridiculously on the side of the mother.

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If you're not even on the birth certificate, legally you're...

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stuffed.

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Listen, I'm talking as someone whose relationship with his children

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has been really compromised by being married

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to a mad manipulative lesbian.

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I thought it was cos you had a fling wi' that, um....

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Judith?

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Why don't I drive you into Halifax? Get it done.

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-Now?

-You need to phone her. Ellie.

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Tell her we'll pick her up. You both need to be there.

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Ten o'clock, no later than.

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Don't let him persuade you that it's the weekend

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and he can stay up till any time he likes.

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Keep an eye on how much snackage he gets through otherwise

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he won't eat any of the meals you go to the trouble of preparing for him.

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9:30 in the morning he needs to be at rugby. He knows that,

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but if you can be on top of it as well. What else?

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I've invited Angus round for a sleep-over.

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Can you handle that?

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Is he Scottish?

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No.

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I imagine we'll muddle through.

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Right. I'm going to get changed.

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Me and Kate can give you a lift to work, Will, if you like.

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-It's on our way.

-Yeah. Whatever.

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Sorry, was that, "Thanks, Mum, thanks for offering me a lift

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"to work so I don't have to catch a bus"?

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Bloody hate that job.

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You know he hates that job.

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Yes, well, when he's been to university he'll be able to get

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a properly-paid job that doesn't bore him rigid, won't he?

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And he'll appreciate it more. How's Alan?

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He's fine, he's watching Countdown.

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I rang Gillian.

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I thought I told you not to.

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I think she knows she overreacted.

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I said don't ring her!

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I told her you were upset and sorry,

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and she says she thinks she's probably a bit hormonal.

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I asked you not to interfere.

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I was worried about her.

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You were worried about her?

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Both of you. I was worried about both of you.

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I'm going to get changed.

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Yeah, go on. Slink off.

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What about something literary?

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Oh, yes.

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Like...?

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Like Vita. Or Virginia.

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Or...Aphra...

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-Who?

-Behn.

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Isn't that a boy's name?

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I want to call her Elsie, after my grandad's mother.

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Elsie.

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-That is so old.

-So?

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She were a character were Alan's mother.

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By God, she was.

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Do you remember that time she hit you over t'head with a frying pan?

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I've still got a mark to prove it.

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Six-year-old. I were seeing stars for a fortnight.

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You shouldn't have said that about her big knickers on t'washing line.

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It were only an observation, it wasn't a criticism.

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Right, Elsie then.

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No, not Elsie. And can you keep right out of it?

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You don't even have an opinion. You left her.

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I didn't leave her.

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I just needed a break.

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We're not calling her Elsie.

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My mother were called Myra.

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That's one you don't hear so much any more.

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Surprise, surprise.

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You're not helping, Grandad!

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PHONE RINGS

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Excuse me. Hello?

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Hey, Popsicle. 'Tis I.

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Your favourite son.

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-Lawrence!

-Where's the DVD of Reservoir Dogs?

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And don't you go around telling people I left her.

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Angus is coming round and Mum said we could watch it,

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-and I can't find it.

-Are you sure Caroline said...?

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-Yeah, do you want to talk to her?

-No. No, no. It's...

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And you do not tell me I don't have an opinion!

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Oh, I've got it! Got it, thanks.

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-No problem.

-Where are you?

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I'm... I'm... I'm in Halifax.

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Cool. Bye!

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Oh, have we agreed on something?

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Emily Jane.

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It's what me grandad calls her.

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Oh, that's good! That works. Emily Bronte. Emily Jane Bronte.

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"I'll walk where my own nature would be leading."

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Who are you again?

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"It vexes me to choose another guide."

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-He's...

-I'm... I'm...

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I'm Celia's son-in-law.

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Oh, aye.

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So, why did she ring you to come and baby-sit again?

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I'm writing a novel. It's set on a farm, partly, here,

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in West Yorkshire. I thought it would help if I could...

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immerse myself. In things.

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A bit.

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So I thought I'd cook for everyone.

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If that's...?

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Cool.

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Do you want to see it?

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Course I want to see it!

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Here.

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And we couldn't decide whose surname to use, so we put both.

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Only we put ours first, cos it's alphabetical.

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So what was Harry and Maurice doing there?

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They were round at their house when we called.

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Emily Jane Greenwood-Wallace.

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Well that's...a gobful.

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For somebody who only weighs six pounds, three ounces.

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I'm going to ring grandad and tell him.

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He'll be pleased, that was his name for her.

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Right, well, if you do, say hello to him...from me.

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And, me and Ellie's seeing each other down Ripponden.

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-Tonight, for a drink.

-Is that right?

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We've decided we ought to take things steady for a bit

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and see what happens.

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Take things steady.

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Yeah.

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OK, and who's looking after Her Ladyship? Grandma Buggins?

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Well, I said I would.

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Yeah, so...

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Oh, text from Greg.

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He says he's running on time

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and he's looking forward to meeting us in the bar at 6.30.

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When we were leaving, just before, my mum said this thing.

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She said, "We've discussed it and Alan doesn't mind

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"if you want to call him dad now we're married."

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Is that not...? That's nice.

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-Isn't it?

-I don't know. I like Alan.

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I like him a lot but he's not my dad. My dad's dead.

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But he's still me dad. He'll always be me dad for all his faults.

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Did you say that?

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No. She wouldn't want to hear it.

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-Hello, ladies.

-Hello.

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I've... We've got a reservation.

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OK, name?

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What you thinking?

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I thought you'd had such a calm, uncomplicated life compared to me

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with Kenneth. I'm sorry you haven't.

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And I've embroiled you in it now. Is that what you're thinking?

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No. No. I'm glad you can tell me things.

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Somebody with a good heart like you

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shouldn't have skeletons in their cupboard.

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It does still bother me.

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Aye, he were an alcoholic more or less, he were handy with his fists,

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but he'd grown up in care.

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So I imagine it weren't entirely his fault

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that he turned out like he did.

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Happen he'd have died anyway.

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Happen.

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Or had brain damage.

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Happen she did him a favour.

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If it was suicide.

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Is there still more to it than you've said?

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No. No. Only that.

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Right, well.

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If that's what the Coroner said.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh, that'll be Angus.

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Angus is here!

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Let's live with what's on the table.

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Wassu...?!

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Which one are you again?

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-Lawrence.

-Who is it?

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OK, Lawrence. Where's Daddy?

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Can I help you?

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Yes. I'm looking for John.

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He's not here.

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Well, where is he then?

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Who wants to know?

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-I do.

-That's Judith.

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Is it.

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-And you are...?

-I'm Caroline's mother.

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Ah...

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So you're her, are you? You're the whore.

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Whoa...Granny. Angus!

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OK, look. I need to know where John is.

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Well, bad luck.

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I don't want a fight.

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Well, you've probably come to the wrong place then.

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-I just want to know...

-You've got some bare-face cheek, coming here!

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-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh, is that me?

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-That's you.

-Have you any idea where he's likely to be?

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Not the slightest.

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Let's face it, you're more likely to know than any of us.

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-It's Raff.

-All right, can I speak to Caroline then?

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-No. You can't.

-Hello?

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It's me, Grandad! We've been up to t'registry office in Halifax!

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-Is Caroline in?

-No.

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-Been where?

-Do you know where John is?

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We've registered the baby.

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Oh, aye? Sorry?

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-Oh, my God.

-What?

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-Wow.

-What?

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-And guess what we've called her?

-What?

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-You're Celia. He's Alan.

-And?

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You're the couple that fell in love and got married.

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-So?

-No, it's just...

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You can't call a baby that.

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I think that's really, really, really amazing.

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Do we look like we give a stuff about what you think?

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You are joking?

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What've they called it?

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Yeah, no, I get that, but...

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Calamity Jane.

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No, Grandad. Not...

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They've never.

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He's in Halifax.

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-Sorry?

-He rang. Earlier. My dad.

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-Said he's in Halifax.

-Oh, Emily Jane!

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What's he doing in Halifax?

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Dunno. This way. That's Granny.

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-Hi, Granny.

-That's Alan.

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He's gone to see her.

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Who?

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Gillian. That's your daughter.

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-Has he?

-Have you got an address?

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I think I need my ears syringed! You what?

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What's Gillian's address?

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What's he gone there for?

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He's obsessed with her.

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Oh, and me mum says to say "hello," Grandad.

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I think she's sorry.

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Grandad?

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Hello.

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Shall I sit here?

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If you like.

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Do you want a drink?

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We've got ten minutes.

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So...

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Tell me some more about him.

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I've told you everything there is to say.

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Anyway, I thought you weren't that interested.

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Can I have a gin and tonic? Thank you.

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I am. I am interested.

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You said you didn't need to get to know him.

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No. But we're here now, so...

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You look beautiful.

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You are unfff...believable. You know that, don't you?

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Kate. What you have to remember is that...

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I was so thrilled, I was so delighted when you told me

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-you'd booked this place.

-OK, but...

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I was so flattered because it was like for the first time,

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you were happy to acknowledge outside the house

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that I was your partner.

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And then you go and book two separate rooms!

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Mentally, I've left.

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Mentally, I'm not even here.

0:17:530:17:55

Physically, I'm here because Greg's coming, and I'd like to see him.

0:17:550:17:58

-Beyond that...

-Oh, look. OK...

0:17:580:17:59

I put up with it at work arriving in separate cars,

0:17:590:18:01

-because I understand...

-That's just a practical arrangement.

0:18:010:18:04

You're the boss, you're high profile, you need to be discreet.

0:18:040:18:06

But this! And you know what, Caroline,

0:18:060:18:09

they all know. You've not fooled anyone, they all know.

0:18:090:18:12

And it just makes us look sad, actually.

0:18:120:18:14

I'm not trying to fool anyone.

0:18:220:18:23

It makes us look embarrassed and old-fashioned and ridiculous.

0:18:230:18:27

You should've said something when we checked in if you weren't happy.

0:18:270:18:30

I was too stunned, I was too, "Did I just hear that?"

0:18:300:18:33

Look. All right. This isn't easy for me.

0:18:330:18:37

I was going to book a double room when I rang up, and then...

0:18:370:18:40

What?

0:18:400:18:41

I couldn't.

0:18:430:18:45

Why not? Why not?

0:18:450:18:48

Do you think we're the first gay couple who've ever stayed here?

0:18:480:18:51

Sh.

0:18:510:18:52

Anyway, I popped in at reception earlier and I said,

0:18:520:18:55

"Actually me and my girlfriend, the woman I sleep with,

0:18:550:18:57

"the woman I have sex with, would like a double room, please,

0:18:570:19:00

"instead of these two singles."

0:19:000:19:02

-Did you?

-No. I was tempted,

0:19:020:19:04

but then I thought sod it.

0:19:040:19:06

You see, for me, if I'd been booking this,

0:19:060:19:08

the whole point would've been that I got to spend

0:19:080:19:11

two whole days and nights in the same room as you.

0:19:110:19:13

That would've been the single biggest thing that made me

0:19:130:19:15

want to book it in the first place.

0:19:150:19:17

But obviously for you that wasn't a thing, so...

0:19:170:19:19

We can still sleep together.

0:19:190:19:21

Sneaking around like a couple of sad idiots

0:19:210:19:24

in a bedroom farce from the 1970s?

0:19:240:19:26

No, thanks.

0:19:260:19:27

Look. I'm still getting used to this.

0:19:270:19:30

To what? Caroline. It's 2013. You're 46.

0:19:300:19:33

You know in Iran they still stone women to death for having

0:19:330:19:35

any sort of...genital...

0:19:350:19:40

sexual contact.

0:19:400:19:42

This is Yorkshire.

0:19:420:19:43

-You take my point.

-Not really.

0:19:430:19:45

Sometimes I still feel a bit weird about it, that's all.

0:19:450:19:47

It's not personal, it's not about you, it's about me. And suddenly,

0:19:470:19:50

on the phone when I was booking, I panicked.

0:19:500:19:52

And I knew you'd be cross, but I didn't know what to do about it.

0:19:520:19:55

Caroline, you're a doctor of philosophy. You run a huge school.

0:19:550:19:58

You have the welfare of 857 children in your hands on a daily basis.

0:19:580:20:01

You don't panic!

0:20:010:20:02

I panicked!

0:20:020:20:04

I panicked.

0:20:040:20:06

I was talking to a testosterone stacked 18-year-old...

0:20:060:20:09

..jock who couldn't spell "Elliot!"

0:20:110:20:13

Well, the L's and the T's aren't always obvious.

0:20:130:20:15

And I lost my bottle!

0:20:150:20:16

Why?

0:20:160:20:18

Cos, because...

0:20:180:20:20

Because I'm me.

0:20:280:20:30

I'm not falling for that, Caroline. Not any more.

0:20:340:20:37

You've blown it.

0:20:370:20:39

Don't say that, please. Don't say that!

0:20:390:20:42

-Greg!

-Kate! How are you?

0:20:430:20:46

I'm good, I'm great, I'm really well. Look at you!

0:20:460:20:49

You look fantastic.

0:20:490:20:50

Yeah, I feel fantastic! And the good news is... Hi.

0:20:500:20:54

..is I've checked in, I've booked a room,

0:20:540:20:56

so I can join you for dinner, if that's...?

0:20:560:20:59

Yeah! Wow. That's great! What're you drinking?

0:20:590:21:01

Are you drinking?

0:21:010:21:03

I am drinking!

0:21:030:21:05

Cos you stopped!

0:21:050:21:06

So tell us about this novel, then.

0:21:080:21:10

Oh, the novel. Well, it's barely started.

0:21:100:21:12

It's at a very preliminary stage.

0:21:120:21:15

What's the plot?

0:21:160:21:17

Well, essentially,

0:21:170:21:19

it's a sort of... Well, it's a family saga.

0:21:190:21:23

I suppose, potentially.

0:21:230:21:25

OK, and what happens?

0:21:250:21:27

-Well...

-Who's in it besides me?

0:21:270:21:30

-Well, when I said it was you...

-Are you in it?

0:21:300:21:33

I didn't mean literally you, I meant more...

0:21:330:21:34

-Am I in it?

-..more sort of you were

0:21:340:21:37

a sort of inspiration, as it were.

0:21:370:21:40

If that doesn't sound too...

0:21:400:21:42

-Wanky.

-Yeah.

0:21:420:21:43

-Does a bit.

-Good word.

0:21:430:21:45

Am I your muse?

0:21:450:21:47

Well, at the risk of sounding wanky again...

0:21:480:21:51

Wow. I've never been anybody's muse before. Not that I'm aware of.

0:21:510:21:56

There's a surprise.

0:21:560:21:58

Sod off! Oops! Sorry, Calamity.

0:21:580:22:02

That's going to stick now thanks to deaf Grandad.

0:22:020:22:05

I like it. I wish they'd called me that.

0:22:050:22:07

It sounds like someone who can kick ass.

0:22:070:22:10

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:22:100:22:11

"Whah, Calam!

0:22:110:22:13

"That sounds like the door."

0:22:130:22:15

Sorry.

0:22:280:22:29

Oh, hello.

0:22:290:22:31

I overreacted.

0:22:320:22:33

Calamity Jane. They've been to the Registry Office.

0:22:350:22:38

You are kidding.

0:22:380:22:40

Half kidding. Emily Jane.

0:22:400:22:43

I am sorry.

0:22:470:22:48

But I'm sticking with Calamity. Because..it's got a certain...

0:22:490:22:55

je ne sais quoi.

0:22:550:22:56

It was a long time ago, and it must've been horrible,

0:22:580:23:02

and you had it to deal with, and I'm sorry.

0:23:020:23:04

Has Uncle Robbie had his tea?

0:23:060:23:08

Robbie's here.

0:23:150:23:16

-Hello.

-Hello.

0:23:180:23:20

Sit down. I'll get you a plate.

0:23:200:23:23

Right, I'm off.

0:23:230:23:24

John's here. He's staying over.

0:23:290:23:33

He's doing some research.

0:23:330:23:36

He's writing a novel.

0:23:360:23:39

Right.

0:23:390:23:40

I've had another bust-up wi' me dad cos o' yesterday.

0:23:400:23:44

How?

0:23:440:23:45

Because I had a go at Celia, didn't I?

0:23:450:23:48

For opening her trap to you.

0:23:480:23:49

Sorry.

0:23:490:23:51

How's Caroline?

0:23:560:23:59

She's... She's... I don't know.

0:23:590:24:01

She still...?

0:24:020:24:05

I don't have a huge amount to do with her.

0:24:050:24:07

So what's it about then, this novel?

0:24:130:24:16

Josh Hepworth. Do you remember him? You do. He fancied you. Brown hair.

0:24:190:24:25

Five foot ten. Scarf, acne. Brogues, he always wore brogues.

0:24:250:24:30

He lived in the same house as PJ in second year.

0:24:300:24:33

We went to a party there once. Fancy dress.

0:24:330:24:36

Who did we go as?

0:24:360:24:37

Shit, I don't remember. Lizzie drank too much.

0:24:370:24:41

Surely not.

0:24:410:24:42

And she puked this spectacular tidal wave of multicoloured vomit

0:24:420:24:45

-into a doorway at Woolworths!

-This is ringing a bell.

0:24:450:24:47

Anyway, I'm in Oslo and I bump into Josh Hepworth!

0:24:470:24:51

How mad is that? Yeah, he works there. In Oslo!

0:24:510:24:55

He's working for Ericsson. I was just on holiday...

0:24:550:24:58

Let it go.

0:25:140:25:16

I would, only it sickens me.

0:25:160:25:18

Don't let it.

0:25:180:25:19

Maybe Judith wasn't the first.

0:25:190:25:22

If he can insinuate himself so readily into women's beds,

0:25:240:25:27

what does that mean?

0:25:270:25:30

Has he been mucking about behind Caroline's back for years?

0:25:300:25:33

I know she's wondered.

0:25:350:25:36

Aye, well, she's shot of him now, isn't she?

0:25:360:25:39

Anyway, look on the bright side.

0:25:390:25:42

He'll have met his match with our Gillian. One way or another.

0:25:420:25:47

Utter, utter rubbish. I can't watch television.

0:25:500:25:54

Not with anything police-related.

0:25:540:25:57

I'm just chucking a beer can at t'telly. I'm going, "What trash!"

0:25:570:26:01

"Do your research, would it kill you?"

0:26:010:26:03

I'm going, "Come and talk to me!

0:26:030:26:05

"I'll tell you how we investigate a murder."

0:26:050:26:07

Not Inspector Doo-dah in his wacky car with Sergeant Pillock side-kick.

0:26:070:26:12

There's a team, a whole team of dedicated, professional,

0:26:120:26:18

highly-trained officers.

0:26:180:26:19

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:26:190:26:23

I could tell you some stories.

0:26:230:26:26

I could tell you what to put in your book.

0:26:260:26:28

What's it about again?

0:26:280:26:29

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:26:290:26:30

Who the 'ell's that?

0:26:300:26:32

-Where's the fire?

-Sorry?

0:26:370:26:39

Is someone's arse on fire? Banging like that.

0:26:390:26:42

Do you need a bucket o' water? Eh? A bucket o' sand?

0:26:420:26:45

Are you Gillian?

0:26:450:26:47

-I might be.

-I'm looking for John. Is he here?

0:26:470:26:49

-And you are?

-Judith.

0:26:490:26:51

Is that summat to do wi' you?

0:26:510:26:53

Are you? Well, well, well.

0:26:530:26:57

Well, well, well. What do you want?

0:26:580:27:00

Him. I know he's here.

0:27:000:27:02

You bastard!

0:27:100:27:12

Sorry? Hang on, what?

0:27:120:27:13

What's this? This was my idea.

0:27:130:27:15

What was?

0:27:150:27:16

To write a novel about two old people in love!

0:27:160:27:18

It was not! We discussed it, certainly, but it was me who...

0:27:180:27:21

And I said, "That'd make a great story!"

0:27:210:27:23

It must've been obvious to you what my intention was.

0:27:230:27:25

Well, I could say that!

0:27:250:27:26

I could say it must've been obvious to you what my intention was

0:27:260:27:29

when I said, "That'd make a great story"

0:27:290:27:32

No.

0:27:320:27:33

You were talking about it as a thing that had happened, was happening,

0:27:330:27:37

and I was the one saying, "That'd make a great novel".

0:27:370:27:39

-That's really not...

-You're a plagiarist.

0:27:390:27:43

-No.

-You've even copied ideas I talked about!

0:27:430:27:46

Writing it from Bathsheba Everdene's point of view.

0:27:460:27:49

That was, that was, that was entirely my idea.

0:27:490:27:52

No. I put the idea in your head.

0:27:520:27:56

This is a fantasy, you've misremembered.

0:27:560:27:58

-No.

-You'd probably had a drink.

0:27:580:27:59

You'd definitely had a drink!

0:27:590:28:00

Judith. It's my story. This is my family!

0:28:000:28:02

You don't even know these people!

0:28:020:28:04

So bloody what? Shakespeare didn't know Richard III!

0:28:040:28:06

It didn't stop him writing a shitty play about him!

0:28:060:28:09

I would not steal someone else's idea.

0:28:090:28:11

Let me explain to you the difference between observing something

0:28:110:28:14

and making the decision to write about it.

0:28:140:28:17

I understand what you're saying...

0:28:170:28:19

Why don't you both calm down?

0:28:190:28:21

-There's a baby trying to sleep here.

-This is Robbie.

0:28:210:28:24

Is it? God.

0:28:240:28:28

Wow! What a fascinating menage.

0:28:280:28:32

What's that supposed to mean?

0:28:340:28:36

They've slept together. These two. Well, I'm saying that.

0:28:360:28:40

I've only got his word for it, so obviously it may be just another

0:28:400:28:43

of his little wish-fulfilment fantasies.

0:28:430:28:47

Who knows? Sorry.

0:28:470:28:49

That's, that's just not true.

0:28:490:28:51

Really? So you made that up too?

0:28:510:28:54

How dare you.

0:28:540:28:55

No. No. I didn't make anything up.

0:28:550:28:57

-You told her that I'd slept with you?

-No! I didn't. She's lying!

0:28:570:29:00

I'm not lying, that's what he told me.

0:29:000:29:02

You may have got the wrong end of the stick...then.

0:29:020:29:04

So you made that up just like you're saying this tripe was your idea

0:29:040:29:08

when it wasn't!

0:29:080:29:10

-Have you slept together?

-No.

0:29:130:29:16

What did he tell you?

0:29:160:29:18

Nothing! I didn't tell her anything.

0:29:180:29:20

Describe to me the language he used.

0:29:200:29:23

Language?

0:29:230:29:24

Well...he was here, obviously.

0:29:240:29:28

Drunk. Upset. Angry,

0:29:280:29:31

cos he'd just found out that Caroline'd been shopping

0:29:310:29:34

round the corner, and...

0:29:340:29:37

Celia was here. She was upset too. cos he was mouthing off.

0:29:370:29:41

And Alan. And you were here. And it was Caroline's birthday!

0:29:410:29:46

I'd cut an artery open with a broken bottle.

0:29:460:29:50

It was your birthday too. They have the same birthday.

0:29:520:29:56

Well, it was that night he claimed it happened.

0:29:560:30:00

Although he said he was so pissed the next day

0:30:000:30:04

he barely remember what happened.

0:30:040:30:06

And like I say, he's probably making it up.

0:30:060:30:10

She's making it up.

0:30:120:30:13

How can she be making it up? She wasn't here.

0:30:130:30:15

Yes, but we didn't, we didn't...

0:30:150:30:18

All right! We did.

0:30:230:30:25

We did, and so what?

0:30:250:30:27

You're clearly no good for her, so why don't you just clear off?

0:30:270:30:31

Huh?

0:30:310:30:32

You've made her life a living hell in the past,

0:30:320:30:36

trying to get her arrested when she was at her most vulnerable.

0:30:360:30:39

Yes! I know all about it!

0:30:390:30:41

And now you prey on her because you know how generous and good

0:30:410:30:45

-and kind-hearted she is

-Prey on her?

0:30:450:30:47

Yeah, well, get lost! She doesn't need you, she doesn't want you.

0:30:470:30:52

She rang me to come over and help

0:30:520:30:53

because she was at the end of her tether with everything.

0:30:530:30:56

With all of you, and especially with you.

0:30:560:30:59

Is this true?

0:30:590:31:00

Some of it.

0:31:050:31:07

Partially.

0:31:070:31:09

After yesterday.

0:31:090:31:11

The sleeping with bit?

0:31:110:31:13

Shit. Shit! Oh, shit.

0:31:270:31:31

MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel

0:31:360:31:40

What the hell's going on?

0:31:440:31:47

Granny, get your gun! He's doused me in petrol

0:31:470:31:50

and he's cut my ear clean off and now he's going to set alight to me!

0:31:500:31:54

-What's all this sticky, mucky mess?

-Ahh! You shot me, Granny.

0:31:540:31:59

Don't you Granny me, you monkey! Just look at this mess!

0:31:590:32:02

Are you drunk?

0:32:030:32:05

Why's there two of you, Granny?

0:32:050:32:06

What've you been drinking? How much've you had?

0:32:060:32:11

It is not funny!

0:32:110:32:13

Celia? It's William. He's in outpatients.

0:32:130:32:17

Outpatients?

0:32:170:32:20

Hilarious! He spent four days in intensive care!

0:32:200:32:24

That is so not hilarious!

0:32:240:32:26

Listen, gosh, we should talk about the baby, the baby plan.

0:32:260:32:32

I just need to find the bathroom, and then you can tell me

0:32:320:32:37

more about what you have in mind.

0:32:370:32:39

Shan't be a tick.

0:32:390:32:40

Well, I don't think I've ever met anyone who's quite so fond

0:32:470:32:50

of the sound of their own voice.

0:32:500:32:52

Right, well, I'm going to bed.

0:32:540:32:57

Because I can't stand any more of this bloke's self-obsessed drivel.

0:32:570:33:02

OK.

0:33:020:33:03

I'm sure neither of you'll mind whether I'm here or not.

0:33:050:33:08

Thought not. Good night then.

0:33:090:33:14

Good night.

0:33:140:33:16

I'm sorry we've been so long.

0:33:300:33:32

We had to wait at the police station to report it.

0:33:320:33:35

-What happened?

-Just these two idiots.

0:33:350:33:38

Yeah. You sit down there.

0:33:380:33:40

I'll make us all a nice cup of tea.

0:33:420:33:45

Where's Starsky and Hutch?

0:33:480:33:50

In bed. Fast asleep.

0:33:500:33:52

I started trying to tidy t'kitchen,

0:33:520:33:55

but I really didn't know where things went.

0:33:550:33:57

How are you feeling, lad?

0:34:000:34:01

I left work. I walked out.

0:34:070:34:09

Because I couldn't stand it any more.

0:34:110:34:13

I get talked to like crap by the chef and one of the waiters,

0:34:150:34:18

they're both jerks, they both think they're special, and the truth is

0:34:180:34:22

they haven't got one brain cell to rub together between 'em.

0:34:220:34:26

So I walked out. I didn't want to come home.

0:34:260:34:30

So I went into town.

0:34:330:34:36

I was going to go to this club

0:34:360:34:38

where some of 'em from school go.

0:34:380:34:40

There's this girl I like.

0:34:400:34:43

Grace, she goes there.

0:34:450:34:47

So I was getting some money out of the cash point...

0:34:470:34:51

..and there's two of them and this lad goes,

0:34:540:34:58

"Lend us 50p."

0:34:580:34:59

And I was stupid,

0:34:590:35:01

I took my wallet out

0:35:010:35:04

and they smacked me in the head, they got me on the floor,

0:35:040:35:07

and they kicked me...

0:35:070:35:09

where they shouldn't, then they went through my pockets.

0:35:090:35:14

I...

0:35:160:35:17

I couldn't move I was in so much pain and I couldn't stop them...

0:35:200:35:26

And they were laughing, and calling me stupid.

0:35:260:35:32

Calling me names.

0:35:320:35:34

Could you remember what they looked like

0:35:340:35:36

when you spoke to the police?

0:35:360:35:39

Yeah.

0:35:390:35:41

Good.

0:35:410:35:42

Me mum'll go mad, she'll go,

0:35:440:35:47

"Trust you not to be able to hold down a job".

0:35:470:35:51

Well, I don't know your mum as well as you do,

0:35:510:35:53

but I can't imagine she will.

0:35:530:35:56

I couldn't stand it. They made me feel like a freak.

0:35:590:36:03

Like I was the odd one out. I always feel like the odd one out.

0:36:030:36:07

You won't.

0:36:070:36:09

First time I met you, I remember thinking,

0:36:100:36:13

"What a smashing young fella".

0:36:130:36:16

Up at farm.

0:36:160:36:18

Me and Celia's little engagement party.

0:36:180:36:20

You shook my hand, and I thought, "What a fine young man".

0:36:200:36:23

I'll tell you something I've learned over the years,

0:36:250:36:28

and it's taken me a long time, but I've just about got it sussed now.

0:36:280:36:33

Life's all about confidence.

0:36:350:36:38

And the only way you gain confidence is by putting yourself

0:36:380:36:42

into situations where you do feel a little bit out of your depth.

0:36:420:36:45

Like you did, with this job.

0:36:450:36:48

Where you do feel uncomfortable, where you do have to deal

0:36:480:36:51

with people who you might not naturally be drawn to.

0:36:510:36:55

And I really admire you for doing that. For trying.

0:36:560:37:01

And the thing to do next, is to dust yourself down

0:37:010:37:05

and get right back in there and try something else.

0:37:050:37:08

cos you can only get stronger.

0:37:080:37:10

And you might feel like the odd one out now, but you won't.

0:37:100:37:14

You're going places. They aren't.

0:37:150:37:17

I only wish our Raff were going places with you.

0:37:210:37:24

I got your text.

0:37:370:37:38

Are you joining me? Or are you waiting for Greg?

0:37:390:37:43

What time's he leaving?

0:37:530:37:55

I don't know.

0:37:550:37:57

I came back downstairs last night to try and find you,

0:37:570:38:00

but you weren't here.

0:38:000:38:02

You weren't in here, you weren't in the bar

0:38:020:38:04

and you weren't in your bedroom.

0:38:040:38:05

I knocked. Twice.

0:38:050:38:08

I went back half an hour later.

0:38:080:38:10

He invited me up to his room. For a nightcap.

0:38:100:38:14

Oh, you've made a start?

0:38:140:38:17

No. We just talked.

0:38:170:38:19

All right. Look. I'm sorry, I am sorry. I was a coward.

0:38:270:38:31

I won't be again. But I do have to say, for me,

0:38:310:38:33

if we are going to be parents, this bloke is the wrong person.

0:38:330:38:36

He's perfect from my point of view.

0:38:380:38:40

I couldn't go through with it, not with him. He's...

0:38:400:38:42

He's a jerk.

0:38:440:38:46

He's one of my oldest friends.

0:38:460:38:48

Whatever impression you got last night, he is not a jerk.

0:38:480:38:51

I think I'm going to have to give up on the idea

0:39:040:39:06

of buying John out of the house.

0:39:060:39:08

I think it's unrealistic.

0:39:080:39:11

It'd just be a burden.

0:39:130:39:15

Right.

0:39:150:39:17

Would you like any tea or coffee?

0:39:170:39:19

Neither, yet, thanks. I'm waiting for someone else.

0:39:190:39:22

I want to get pregnant, I want to have a child,

0:39:240:39:27

I want to get on with it.

0:39:270:39:28

Yeah, all right, fine. But...

0:39:280:39:30

I don't need your blessing. Not any more. Not after yesterday.

0:39:300:39:35

And what you just said, about the house.

0:39:360:39:38

You were doing it for all the wrong reasons anyway.

0:39:380:39:40

-You don't want what's best for me, you never did.

-That's not true.

0:39:400:39:43

You want what's best for you all the time.

0:39:430:39:44

I worry about how upset you'd be if it doesn't happen...

0:39:440:39:47

And I don't think you'll change, Caroline, you're...

0:39:470:39:49

..or if you got pregnant and then lost it again.

0:39:490:39:51

You're too old to change. I think it'll always be about you.

0:39:510:39:55

That's not true.

0:39:550:39:56

Don't worry about my bill. I'll pay for myself.

0:39:560:39:59

Are you dumping me?

0:40:020:40:04

No. I don't think so.

0:40:040:40:08

I don't think anything ever really started. Did it?

0:40:110:40:14

A couple of embarrassed fumbles.

0:40:160:40:18

It's just been a bit of an odd mess really, hasn't it?

0:40:210:40:24

Which is a shame. Because I would've done absolutely anything for you.

0:40:250:40:30

We didn't do anything last night but that is still the plan.

0:40:360:40:39

We're both going to stay here tonight.

0:40:390:40:42

No, look. This was meant to be...

0:40:420:40:43

Oh, I know what it was meant to be, Caroline.

0:40:430:40:45

It was meant to be you and me. It was meant to be my birthday.

0:40:450:40:47

I was so happy when we got here.

0:40:490:40:51

Yesterday.

0:40:510:40:53

But you blew it.

0:40:530:40:55

You blew it before Greg even turned up, so don't blame him.

0:40:550:40:59

This is hard for me.

0:40:590:41:01

Yeah, well grow up. You think it's easy for anyone?

0:41:010:41:07

Only don't bother, don't grow up. Not on my account.

0:41:070:41:10

I made some coffee.

0:42:020:42:03

Well done. Where's your girlfriend? Her car's still outside.

0:42:030:42:08

-She's not my girlfriend.

-Yeah, where is she?

0:42:080:42:11

-I've got no idea.

-There's somebody crashed out in my bed.

0:42:110:42:15

She polished off them other two bottles of wine you bought

0:42:150:42:17

in less time than it takes me to bend over and tie one shoe lace,

0:42:170:42:20

and my emergency supply of medicinal brandy

0:42:200:42:22

seems to have disappeared as if by magic as well.

0:42:220:42:25

She really is the real McCoy. I'm afraid.

0:42:250:42:27

She doesn't just languish in the amateur division

0:42:270:42:30

-like you and me, you mean?

-I haven't a bloody clue whose that car is.

0:42:300:42:34

-She's probably nicked it.

-You all right, darling? How was your night?

0:42:340:42:38

Nice.

0:42:380:42:40

-They're taking it steady.

-I heard.

0:42:420:42:44

Shit, what've you done to your face?

0:42:460:42:49

Your Uncle Robbie's fallen out wi' me again.

0:42:490:42:52

Why?

0:42:520:42:53

He... Well, he's got wrong end o' t'stick. Yet again, so...

0:42:530:42:59

What about this time?

0:42:590:43:00

It's all too ridiculous.

0:43:030:43:06

Did he do that?

0:43:070:43:09

PHONE RINGS

0:43:090:43:11

What fresh hell is this?

0:43:120:43:14

Hello.

0:43:140:43:16

Harry! No, he's in Harrogate.

0:43:170:43:21

Oh, no...

0:43:290:43:31

You sure you don't want any bacon and eggs, boys?

0:43:320:43:37

Sausages, black pudding, fried bread.

0:43:370:43:39

Cooked in lard!

0:43:390:43:40

Aye, with custard on top!

0:43:400:43:42

Shut up.

0:43:420:43:43

You shouldn't have cleaned the kitchen, Gran.

0:43:430:43:46

You should've left it and made them do it.

0:43:460:43:48

Well, I was tempted.

0:43:480:43:50

-Idiots.

-Shut up, Beano Boy.

0:43:500:43:52

PHONE RINGS That's you.

0:43:520:43:55

Hello?

0:43:580:44:00

Dad? It's me. Gillian. Listen. I'm sorry.

0:44:000:44:04

I'm sorry I spoke to Celia like I did. Can I...?

0:44:040:44:09

Can I talk to her?

0:44:090:44:11

It's our Gillian. She wants to say sorry.

0:44:110:44:14

Hello?

0:44:170:44:18

Celia. Listen. I'm sorry.

0:44:180:44:21

You didn't know I knew Robbie then, and I overreacted.

0:44:210:44:25

And I'm sorry.

0:44:250:44:26

Well, that's all right, love, I...

0:44:260:44:31

-Is me dad all right?

-Yeah, he's fine, love.

0:44:310:44:33

OK. Look. Something's happened.

0:44:330:44:36

I need you to tell him something.

0:44:360:44:39

And he might be upset.

0:44:390:44:41

I'd tell him myself, but it might be best coming from you.

0:44:420:44:46

Cos you're with him.

0:44:460:44:49

And he loves you.

0:44:490:44:52

What time are you supposed to be there?

0:44:520:44:54

-9:30.

-That's going to look good, isn't it?

0:44:540:44:57

The head teacher's son and his stupid friend,

0:44:570:45:00

the two plonkers that don't turn up.

0:45:000:45:01

Right, upstairs, pair of you, come on, get changed, I'll drive you in.

0:45:010:45:04

Yes, love. I will.

0:45:040:45:06

Ta-ta.

0:45:060:45:08

They're supposed to be at a rugby match.

0:45:090:45:12

Has summat happened?

0:45:140:45:16

Sit down.

0:45:220:45:24

Maurice is dead.

0:45:330:45:35

A neighbour found him at the bottom of his stairs just this morning.

0:45:390:45:44

They think a stroke.

0:45:440:45:46

Are you all right?

0:45:490:45:51

He'd have known nothing about it if it was a stroke.

0:45:530:45:56

Shall I make some fresh tea?

0:46:030:46:05

In a minute.

0:46:070:46:09

A bit of sugar in it.

0:46:110:46:13

Aye.

0:46:130:46:15

I am sorry.

0:46:190:46:20

Aye. Aye.

0:46:250:46:29

He were a nice man.

0:46:420:46:45

Kind. Do anything for anybody.

0:46:450:46:50

Yeah.

0:46:500:46:52

I've known him all my life. He's always been there. Uncle Maurice.

0:46:540:47:00

Me dad's known him since they were tiny.

0:47:020:47:05

They were in infants together at t'Board Knackers.

0:47:050:47:07

Sorry?

0:47:070:47:10

There was the National School and The Board School.

0:47:100:47:13

-Not boarding school, just...

-No.

0:47:130:47:16

The Board School.

0:47:160:47:18

So you were either a Nashbog, or a Board Knacker.

0:47:180:47:22

Me dad and Maurice were Board Knackers. Celia was a Nashbog.

0:47:220:47:28

But Maurice and me dad...

0:47:300:47:32

Aww.

0:47:320:47:33

In their little shorts. During t'war.

0:47:350:47:39

Aww.

0:47:390:47:41

Bless him, Maurice.

0:47:450:47:47

I better ring back, see if me dad's all right.

0:47:510:47:55

Yeah.

0:47:550:47:56

Damn.

0:47:570:47:58

What?

0:47:580:48:00

Death. Dying. It's a bitch.

0:48:020:48:07

Fancy, him going before me.

0:48:140:48:16

He were right as rain last time I saw him.

0:48:200:48:23

Who'd have thought?

0:48:270:48:29

Who would've thought?

0:48:330:48:35

Ironic thing is, we've had a bit of good news since.

0:49:130:49:16

You know that bungalow we went to see?

0:49:170:49:19

When I said we were just looking?

0:49:190:49:21

Well, we put in an offer.

0:49:230:49:25

And the estate agent rang just before lunch to say

0:49:260:49:29

the people selling it've said yes.

0:49:290:49:32

Right. Gosh.

0:49:330:49:37

Well, that's...

0:49:370:49:41

I know you wanted us to put money in here, but realistically...

0:49:410:49:46

No, it's fine, I don't.

0:49:460:49:47

It's... I should never have asked, it was...

0:49:470:49:51

I just didn't want to face up to it, Mum,

0:49:520:49:56

but I have to. I'm going to have to let it go.

0:49:560:50:02

What about Kate putting money in?

0:50:020:50:04

-Is that not...?

-No, that's...

0:50:040:50:08

-I've blown it.

-How?

0:50:080:50:10

I'm just no...good at things.

0:50:100:50:14

Sometimes.

0:50:150:50:17

Maurice were a kind, good man,

0:50:270:50:30

in his private life, and in his public life as a local councillor.

0:50:300:50:34

For over 30 years he served the people of Ripponden.

0:50:370:50:42

And he always did it with enthusiasm,

0:50:420:50:47

integrity and a good heart.

0:50:470:50:52

He always had time for people.

0:50:540:50:56

Anyone and everyone, young and old.

0:50:560:51:00

My only regret with Maurice, on a personal note,

0:51:020:51:07

is I didn't ask him to be my best man

0:51:070:51:11

when Celia and I got married.

0:51:110:51:14

I couldn't choose between him and Harry,

0:51:160:51:21

and I still don't know that I could choose between 'em even now.

0:51:210:51:24

Even if I still had t'choice.

0:51:270:51:30

But the point is...

0:51:320:51:34

I don't have t'choice. And for that, I'm sorry.

0:51:360:51:40

So very deeply sorry.

0:51:440:51:47

Bless you, Maurice, you were one of life's treasures.

0:51:510:51:57

It's been a week. Did... did... Did you...?

0:52:300:52:33

Yes. We did.

0:52:330:52:36

Wow.

0:52:360:52:38

Well.

0:52:390:52:41

Mm. So...

0:52:410:52:43

I've finished what I came into this room to do, and so now...

0:52:430:52:48

I'm leaving it.

0:52:480:52:50

Right.

0:52:510:52:53

What were John doing at our house?

0:53:020:53:05

He still fancies me. Nothing happened.

0:53:060:53:11

I heard what he had to say, weighed things up,

0:53:110:53:13

and then I sent him packing.

0:53:130:53:16

Did Judith turn up?

0:53:160:53:18

She did! Yes.

0:53:180:53:20

What was all that about?

0:53:200:53:22

They're both reckoning to write a novel. About you two.

0:53:220:53:25

-I know.

-She reckoned it was her idea,

0:53:250:53:28

he reckoned it was his.

0:53:280:53:29

I was always under the impression it was our idea.

0:53:290:53:32

Dozy buggers.

0:53:320:53:34

Y'all right, 'Arry lad?

0:53:380:53:40

Eh? Oh, aye, yeah. Just...you know.

0:53:400:53:46

I'm wondering if we should get married again.

0:53:520:53:56

Properly. Proper big do, no expense spared. Invite everybody.

0:53:560:54:00

Everybody we've ever heard of.

0:54:000:54:03

Would you like to be my best man? Harry? If we did?

0:54:040:54:07

I don't know. It might feel a bit...

0:54:070:54:09

Not right now.

0:54:110:54:12

Shuddup, y'nitwit! Say yes!

0:54:120:54:15

Oh, assuming I'm invited.

0:54:150:54:18

I assume I come under the umbrella of "everybody you've ever heard of".

0:54:180:54:22

I'll do it, Grandad. I'll be yer best man.

0:54:220:54:25

Ey, bugger off, you! If anybody's doing it, it'll be me.

0:54:250:54:28

In honour of Maurice.

0:54:280:54:32

Maurice.

0:54:320:54:34

Well, what do you reckon? Will you marry me?

0:54:360:54:40

Again?

0:54:400:54:42

Oh, go on, then!

0:54:420:54:45

Yay!

0:54:470:54:48

Yes!

0:54:480:54:49

Get a room!

0:54:490:54:51

Can I go and live with my dad?

0:54:550:54:56

I really don't think that's a good idea.

0:54:560:54:58

Robbie's got this new girlfriend.

0:54:580:55:00

Hello. I'm Cheryl. How'd you do?

0:55:000:55:02

She's moving in with him apparently.

0:55:020:55:04

How are the wedding plans going?

0:55:040:55:05

He's gone and invited Ted, his brother.

0:55:050:55:08

-It's her sister.

-Has Celia got a sister?

0:55:080:55:10

-Alan Buttershaw!

-Be honest.

0:55:100:55:11

You haven't actually sold your house?

0:55:110:55:13

That's t'plan.

0:55:130:55:14

I've offered to organise the wedding for them

0:55:140:55:16

and I said you'd help me.

0:55:160:55:18

Mum. Dad went out. Can you come and get me?

0:55:180:55:20

I am so deep in the doghouse it won't ever be worth trying to get out.

0:55:200:55:24

Lawrence?! Where is Lawrence?

0:55:240:55:26

I never told anyone this.

0:55:260:55:27

Don't tell me something you're going to regret.

0:55:270:55:29

-I want to tell you.

-OK...

0:55:290:55:31

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