Episode 5 Last Tango in Halifax

-So you're her, are you? You're the whore.

-"Emily Jane Greenwood-Wallace".

Well that's a gob-full, for someone who only weighs 6lbs 3oz.

You can't call a baby that!

What've they called it?

Calamity Jane.

I was so delighted when you told me you'd booked this place.

And then you go and book two separate rooms.

That bungalow we went to see when I said we were just looking...

We've put in an offer.

Maurice is dead.

-Greg!

-Kate!

Have you slept together? (BOTH) No!

Are you dumping me?

I don't think anything ever really started, did it?

Will you marry me? Again?

Go on, then.

-Yeah!

-Yes!

VIOLIN MUSIC

BIRDSONG

-Are you absolutely sure you need all this stuff?

-Yes.

-You'll only have it all to cart back again at the end of term.

-And?

Are you nearly ready?

Yeah! I've just got one more bag upstairs.

Nip round and tell Granny William's going.

Have you had the divorce papers in the post?

-Yes.

-Have you signed them?

Yes.

Did you send them back by registered post?

I sent them back.

By registered post?

It said specifically to return them by registered post.

-Oh for f...!

-I have saved you thousands of pounds in lawyers' fees

by organising this online.

The very least you could do is...

Got it!

-They're going!

-Ey up, Alan! They're going!

Ring me when you get there.

Only if you want to, only if you're not busy. Or drop me a text.

-I'll ring you.

-I wish I could come with you.

You've got a school to run!

I am proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

WAY-HEY! Finally, we get rid of him!

-Why does he exist?

-Beano boy.

-Yeah, special needs.

Stop it.

-The concert party's arrived!

-Just in time!

How long does it take to drive to Oxford?

Three or four hours, I would think.

Nah! Foot down, two-and-a-half.

Please drive properly.

Good luck, lad! Work hard. Enjoy yourself.

Thanks, Grandad.

See ya, Gran.

Aww! Here, get your washing done regularly.

Girls like boys with clean underwear,

don't let anyone tell you different.

Do I get a twencer, Gran?

Yeah! When you get in at Oxford.

ENGINE STARTS

-Bye!

-Bye!

I need a poo.

Ooh! That egg'll be boiling.

You all right, love?

Yeah.

I was, um...

Big day.

Me and Alan are off over to Ripponden today.

We said we'd help out with the baby.

Still back and forth.

It's a shame that bungalow fell through.

How're the wedding plans going?

Oh, we never seem to get any closer.

Why?

Well, for one reason, he's gone and invited Ted. His brother.

I didn't know Alan had a brother.

Yeah. Ted. He was two years above us.

Right.

So, what's wrong with Ted coming?

He's in New Zealand.

He's got five kids and they're all married

and they've got 13 grandchildren between them,

and, God knows why, but,

because they've never met Alan, they all want to come over.

Oh, gosh. So...?

Well, we weren't planning on having that big a venue, really.

But now it's all become a logistical nightmare.

How?

Oh, well, it has.

How?

One of them's a vegetarian.

Well, that's not insurmountable, is it, as problems go?

Oh, it's all... "where are they staying?"

and God knows what, and "will they all get a flight at the same time?"

Right.

You see, this is why we just wanted to do it all on the quiet.

Well, you did. And then you decided to do this.

Have y'had any more inquiries?

No, not this week.

She's done, can you take her? I've not brushed my teeth.

I'm making you a sandwich.

Yeah, but she needs to get her wind up.

Ugh! Have you not done her nappy?

-Yeah.

-She hasn't...?

I think she has.

Is there any tea left in that pot?

Yeah, probably, if you squeeze it!

Mum, can you take Calamity? She needs burping.

You're going to be late.

Yeah, I do know!

You don't want to be missing the bus, not this morning.

I can't drive you, I'm taking hogs to t'livestock mar...

Has she...?

Yeah, sorry.

Calamity, is there no end to your shining wealth of talents?

-Ey, Mum.

-What?

It's been a month. It's a month today since Ellie moved in.

You said you'd make a decision.

Yeah.

So?

Yeah.

Yeah. As long Yvonne doesn't stop slinging me the cash every week

for her housekeeping.

So you're happy.

Well, happy's pushing it, but, yeah.

-As long as she keeps pulling her weight.

-She will.

Is she happy? With everything?

She'd rather be here than with her mother.

Oh, and we won't be in for us teas tonight,

me, Ellie and Calamity.

Robbie's invited us down to his.

Cheryl's cooking.

Right. Is she?

She's moving in with him, apparently.

Right.

KNOCKING

Sorry. Hello.

Beverley said you might have a few minutes.

-I can come back later.

-No. No. Come in.

Sure.

OK. Well...

Amazingly, I'm pregnant.

It was 12 weeks on Saturday.

So... I'm cautiously starting to think about the future.

And, what I'd like to do, if nothing...

..is work up until next Easter.

Then, ideally, if it's possible,

if it's something you can accommodate,

I'd like to come back part-time.

This time next year.

Autumn term.

Right.

How possible is that?

I know you've always been very good in the past

with women who've left to start families

and then wanted to go part-time.

You'll have to leave it with me.

If what you're really thinking is, "You'll be lucky", I'd rather you just said.

I hope you know me better than that.

I just need time to work out the logistics, that's all.

Sorry.

OK.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thanks.

-You're too late, you've missed her!

-Who?

Calamity! Harry's been and fetched her. You all right?

Yeah! Very fair.

-Hi, Celia.

-Are you all right, love?

Not so bad.

Where is she?

With Harry. He wants you to text him.

He's got summat he wants to show you, he said,

down by t'wharf in Sowerby Bridge.

-Is that where he's taken the baby?

-Well, I'm assuming.

What's he wanting to show us?

I have no idea, but he seemed very excited.

That's sounds ominous.

-Down by t'wharf?

-Yup.

What is there down at t'wharf?

Water? Ducks? Geese? Industrial waste?

Are we setting straight off, then?

Make yourself a cup o' tea if you want to. I've got to get to Otley.

I'll just use the bathroom, if that's...

-Right.

-OK.

Are you...? Keeping fit?

Yeah! Yeah, I think so.

Have you not got a date sorted yet?

Oh, have we buggery.

Only Ted Skyped again last night. They're all itching to book flights.

It's her sister.

Has Celia got a sister?

Muriel. She were in t'year below us at grammar school.

She lives in Sheffield.

So, what's up wi' Muriel?

-Celia seems to have a very...

-What?

..ambivalent relationship with her.

Right. How come?

I've no idea. We don't go there.

Upshot is, she can't decide whether she wants her at t'wedding or not.

Right.

Whereas I can't wait to get on with it.

I know! I know.

Celia does seem to have quite...

complex relationships with people, I've noticed.

-I'll get to t'bottom of it.

-Right. Good luck.

Oh, text Harry.

Oh, aye.

It's nice to see you.

Eh! Are you all right, love?

Me? Yeah! God, yeah!

-Ta'ra!

-Ta'ra!

-Be honest.

-Well, it's, eh...

-I think you're crackers.

-You haven't actually sold your house?

No, but that's plan. It's up for sale.

-What, and you're going to live on it, permanently?

-Through the winter?

It's grand and warm. There's going to be a wood-burning stove,

telly, DVD, drinks cabinet. satellite dish.

-Come and have a look.

-No!

-Gordon said we can take it for a spin down Cut.

-Yeah, come on.

-Ooh, don't!

It were after Maurice died. You have to seize the day.

It's something I've always fancied, as far back as ever I can remember.

How do you go on opening locks on your own?

-Piece of piss, what you on about?

-Hey, ladies present.

-Oh, I've heard worse.

-I meant baby.

He means when you get even older, you dozy old sod.

How're you going to open locks when you're juggling with a Zimmer frame?

Nay, I'll shoot me sen before I get to that stage!

He'll sell his house, live on it for two or three weeks and then he'll get fed up.

-He misses Maurice.

-Aw.

-Is it just three of us for supper?

-Yeah.

-Where have Raff and Ellie taken Calamity, then?

-Oh, just...

Robbie - Robbie's... He's got this new girlfriend. Cheryl.

So - he works with her. She's a copper.

She's blonde, gorgeous,

15 years younger than him, divorced.

-Is he making a point?

-Yeah.

Of course he is. He's always hated her up to now.

Gone on about how annoying and dippy she is. So, yeah.

Men, transparent. What can you do? Present company excepted, obviously.

Except Raff says she's moving in with him. Apparently.

John's back with Judith.

I'm really not interested in John, Celia.

Thanks. Really, really not.

Oh, no, I was just saying.

I mean, God knows why.

I honestly don't think they can stand each other.

It's just a habit. A bad habit.

How's Caroline?

She's all right.

Oh, yeah!

Celia...tell me about your sister!

I didn't know you had a sister.

Oh...

Shame the wedding plans have got bogged down cos of her.

Oh, it's not cos of our Muriel, it's cos of Ted, isn't it?

About them not being able to make their minds up

when they're coming over

and where they're all going to stay, and...

No. No, I don't think so.

Ted's waiting for you to fix a date so they can all book their flights.

Oh.

Well, I got the impression...

No, no, there's no problem there. Is there? Dad?

Er...well, it'll be tricky for 'em co-ordinating everything,

but, erm...no.

No, I don't think the problem is wi' our Ted, really.

Anyway, that's their problem.

You set a date, they turn up, if they can.

I don't think they expect you to organise it around them.

They don't. They absolutely don't.

They're not like that.

Have you heard from Will?

Yeah, he's fine. I got a text.

Can I go and live with my dad?

Why do you want to do that?

He's not...boring.

Sorry.

I really don't think that's a good idea.

I'm sorry if you think I'm...

..not very exciting, but I've seen Judith's flat.

You wouldn't want to live there,

you wouldn't want to spend more than five minutes there.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Caroline? It's Gillian.

'Oh, hello.'

How are you?

Fine! Fine.

Good.

-'Are you?'

-Yeah! Yeah.

I was ringing you...about the wedding.

I'm just concerned.

-I thought you might be able to throw a bit of light on something.

-OK.

It all seems to have got bogged down, somehow.

And...I think it's making me dad a bit miserable.

Oh! I know. is it not to do with...um...uh, Ted, his brother?

No. No, it isn't.

'That's what my mum said.'

She's using that as an excuse.

I did wonder.

I think it's to do with her sister. Muriel?

Right. Right.

Ted's fine, honestly.

He's really easygoing, he just wants to fit in.

Yeah - it's...

That wouldn't surprise me, Muriel.

Is she...difficult?

Auntie Muriel? No! God, no. She's...

-They're just chalk and cheese, that's all.

-'OK.'

Only if we could get to t'bottom of whether she's coming or not,

they could move forward with things, that's all.

Oh, she'll be coming. I don't think she wouldn't come.

Well, pinning it down, then, so they can set a date.

-Could you ring her? Muriel?

-Yeah, sure.

Find out what stage they're at in their delicate negotiations,

cos I've got Ted and his lot Skyping every five minutes

'wanting to know when they can book their flights.

'Sooner they can book, cheaper it'll be.'

Course. Of course. OK. Leave it with me.

It's just...they're just...it's...

Complicated.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Oh, hell! Orange again.

I hate sport and nature.

No, it's sport and leisure.

No, that's green.

No, that's science and nature.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-Oh, OK.

Sherlock Holmes. The Beatles. Shakespeare.

-Sorry?

-The answer.

But I haven't asked t'question yet.

No, I know, but it will be one of them.

It always is, the answer.

Or Manchester United.

-I've been thinking.

-Oh, aye? What with?

Oh, you're so funny(!)

Why don't I... Why don't me and Caroline organise the wedding?

-Really?

-Yeah.

Only you seem to have got stuck

and I can't believe you WANT to be stuck. So...

Well, I...

We'd run everything past you. We wouldn't do anything you'd hate.

-Have you spoken to her?

-Just now, just this second.

Oh. Well...

Why don't we just check out some venues for you, at least?

We'll suss a few out and then you choose.

And we'll compile an invite list

and then you can...cross anyone out that you don't really want.

Well...I don't know.

I suppose so, if you wanted to.

We would love to. I would love to.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, who's this?

Muriel!

Hello!

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-I've just put my foot right in it!

Have you? Why?

She didn't know - Muriel didn't even know.

My mother hadn't even told her!

Wow. Wow. That's...

Alan Buttershaw!

That's...it's so perfect! It's wonderful.

Gosh, you must be so happy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am.

So when is it? The wedding?

Well, we've - we've...

Um...how did you know?

Caroline. Caroline just rang, just now.

I am so deep in the doghouse,

it won't ever be worth trying to get out.

It's not your fault.

Our Caroline?

-You don't know what it's like.

-Caroline, you didn't know.

Oh, damn! She's spoilt the surprise!

I was thinking of popping down this...this very weekend,

this coming weekend, to tell you.

Both of us, me and Alan.

How's she taking it?

She's smiling, she's happy.

She's laughing!

Yeah, well that's just...

You wait till she comes off the phone.

It'll be Armageddon.

The forces of Gog and Magog

will gather from the four corners of the earth...

-You're losing me, Caroline.

-Yeah, well, good luck.

I've offered to organise the wedding for them.

And I said you'd help me.

Hello?

'Go on!

'Come on, we'll have a laugh.'

I could use a laugh, couldn't you?

I'm...

..bloody well fed-up.

'I have been for months.'

Yeah. Yeah...

Yeah, all right.

Oh, wonderful! That'd be lovely.

So this coming weekend?

How are you fixed this coming weekend?

Yes, well, if that was the plan, if that fits in with you and Alan,

it's absolutely fine with me.

You'll be thinking I wasn't going to tell you.

'No! No.'

And nothing could be further from the truth.

No, you wanted to surprise me - that's nice!

Yeah...

Well, give Alan my love.

I will.

Oh, Caroline was telling me her and John are getting divorced.

Oh - what else did she tell you?

Nothing, she didn't have time.

I wanted to ring you to say congratulations.

You'll have to fill me in when I see you.

Yeah.

-OK, then.

-Aw! Bye-bye.

Bye, bye. Bye-bye!

Who were that?

Muriel - our Muriel.

Nice.

Yeah.

Whose roll is it?

I don't know what Caroline was thinking of,

ringing our Muriel.

Well, she'd have assumed - and she wasn't alone -

that you'd spoken to Muriel any number of weeks ago.

Well, I never said I had.

If you don't want her there, we won't invite her.

-What're you smiling at?

-You.

Whenever have I said I didn't want her there?

It's an impression you've given.

I don't know how.

-She's always to be interfering.

-Who?

Caroline - always has to be organising everybody.

Of course I want my sister at my wedding!

Good! Good.

I don't know why you've got that expression on your face.

She's all right, our Muriel.

In small doses.

And if Gillian told you to jump off a cliff,

what would your response to that be?

Mum, I've explained what happened. I won't go through it again,

because you are choosing not to hear what's being said.

What YOU have to decide - when you're calmer -

is whether you want Muriel there on the day or not,

because it's precisely no skin off my nose.

It's your wedding, your big day.

No-one else minds what you do as long as you're happy.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

That'll be John.

Lawrence?

I, erm...

Sorry. Could...?

This isn't your problem, clearly.

But just...just so you're aware...

Judith's pregnant.

Jud...?

How?

-I mean, how...? How can...?

-Eight or nine weeks.

-Is it yours?

-She...yes. She's not slept with anyone else.

-So I dunno, I...

-Has she been to see a doctor?

-Yes, just this week.

-And?

It's definitely not...something else?

Such as?

Does she want it?

I...it's...all very...

And the reason...the reason I'm telling you this

is that things might get a bit fraught round there,

given that it's all just reared its...

So...

..as much as I'm happy to have Lawrence for the weekend normally,

if you wanted to take him with you instead,

to Halifax, just this weekend,

I would completely understand that that might be the better option.

Not for you, obviously. But for him.

Popsi-Cola!

-You're going to have to come with me.

-What?

-To Gillian's.

-Why?

Because it's not a great weekend for us to do this,

-as things have panned out...

-I'm not staying here.

-No, we're going to Gillian's.

-I'm not going to stupid Gillian's!

I'm going to yours with you.

It's...Lawrence...

-Hates me, I'm boring.

-No, you're not.

-Apparently.

Lawrence? You can't...!

You'll be on your mobile?

-Hello!

-Hi.

-Caroline.

-Robbie.

They're off to York Races for t'day.

Hello! Awww...!

I'm Cheryl! How do you do? I'm Robbie's better half!

Other half - what am I like?! Don't tell me!

Ain't it a shame about t'weather?

I like your jacket -

I love the pattern, it's really classy.

Bye, then!

-I don't know how late we'll be.

-No problem.

Loving you and leaving you.

-Bye!

-Have a nice time!

That's the baby. That's Ellie.

Oh, my God! Oh!

-You're a grandmother.

-Hm...

She's annoying.

Bloody York Races. They've money to burn.

He's got homework. She's got homework.

I thought - weren't you and Robbie...?

No. Hell, no. That went tits-up months ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Right, Batman. What's the plan?

Lunch. Somewhere nice.

To be honest...I'm a bit skint this week.

Well, I'm not. I'm...I'm loaded.

-I can't have you paying for me.

-Yes, you can! Get your stuff.

Do I need to get dressed up?

Only if you want to.

-Where we going?

-It's a surprise.

-Whose car we going in?

-I don't care!

I came here with Kate, three months ago.

It was horrendous, it was when we fell out.

It struck me as being a nice place for a wedding.

I'm sorry you fell out.

Tell me about Muriel and your mum. What's all that about, then?

It's a long story.

Well, it's an old story.

And it may be me reading too much into things.

I mean, she's never actually said anything.

You don't have to tell me, honestly. I'm only being nosey.

My mum, after they moved to Sheffield...

..after - presumably - she'd given up on your dad

ever getting in touch...

..went out with this lad, Frank.

It was serious, apparently.

But then the upshot was...

..he ended up marrying Muriel.

No. No way!

Of course, my mum's version is that she dumped him,

and THEN he took up with their Muriel. But...

..why would she be so funny about Muriel so many years on?

God.

All I know is...they'd had a spat about something,

Muriel and my mum.

This is - God - years ago, just after me and John got married.

And she was upset - Muriel was -

so I popped round to see her,

to see if I could pour oil on...whatever.

And she said, "What it is is,

"she's never really forgiven me about Frank".

And stupidly, I didn't say, "What do you mean?"

I think I just left.

Where is Frank?

Dead. Years ago.

-Are you the two ladies enquiring about wedding facilities?

-Yes!

Would you like to have a look at the brochures, over lunch?

-And then perhaps I can show you around?

-Thank you.

Um...

I know you wouldn't mention it, but just so you know...

Muriel never knew about me and Kenneth.

About all the ups and downs we had

after I found out he'd been mucking about behind my back.

-OK.

-Like I say, I know you wouldn't, but...

Not the sort of sister you could confide in, then,

when it came to the crunch?

No. No...not our Muriel.

Well, who did you confide in?

Well, no-one.

Nobody. I didn't want folk knowing.

I nearly told my mother, once, when I was at a particularly low ebb.

But...it would have broken her heart.

And she'd have killed him. She would have!

So, no. I dealt with it on my own.

Then I told Caroline, eventually,

when she was old enough to understand.

And then...yeah.

You're the only other person I ever told.

I've got a table booked for this evening for seven.

It's just down here,

we've an Italian restaurant just two streets away.

It's very nice, it's very good, we're very lucky.

Do you like Italian, Alan?

Oh, I can eat anything!

And this afternoon,

Martin and Joanne said they'd pop in with the girls.

How long is it since you've seen the girls, Celia?

They've shot up!

Martin's my eldest.

Laura's just started the second year of her A-levels,

she's doing very well.

William's gone to Oxford. How's he getting on?

Fine, as far as we know.

-He's only been there a week...

-Do you have grandchildren, Alan?

Just the one. Raphael. Raff.

He's just started the second year of his A-levels as well,

-same as your...?

-Laura.

-Laura.

You must be so proud of him, William.

Well, I always think pride comes before a fall, so...

Of course she's proud of him.

I'm proud of him, he's not even my lad!

Aw! What does your daughter do, Alan?

She farms. She's a farmer. She farms sheep.

Oh! Of all the things you might've said, and I'd been guessing,

that would not have been one of them!

Is it a special variety, breed?

No, no - just your bog-standard Swaledales.

-Fascinating.

-It can be.

-Lambing!

-Oh, yes!

-Tell me about Caroline.

-What about her?

-Her and John.

Oh, well.

He, er...started messing about with somebody else.

No...no! He's an idiot.

John? Well, yeah.

I am sorry.

It was about a year ago. 18 months.

Course, he came crawling back - when was it?

Three or four months since.

-Realising what a fool he'd been. But...

-But she'd moved on.

Well, she realised she didn't need him any more.

-Good for her.

-I think so.

-Good for her.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Well, I'm going to make another pot of tea, Alan, if...?

Smashing, yes. Thank you.

We should go into the garden. It's such a lovely day!

Oh, I don't know how much more of this I can stand.

What?

Who does she think she is?

POSH ACCENT: "And what do you do, you little person?"

She seems right enough.

Why do folk ask a question,

and then interrupt as soon as you embark on an answer?

She's just thrilled to see you, she's just...

"Our Martin, our Laura."

She wants to put a sock in it, she never stops.

Do not tell her about Caroline.

Instead of tea, can I tempt anyone to a gin and tonic?

-She'd love this.

-So would he.

Can we talk about costs? Packages, deals, numbers?

Of course! Can I offer you ladies a glass of champagne?

-Um...yes. Thank you.

-Do you want to join me in The Waterhouse Bar,

when you're ready?

If I drink too much, can you drive my Land Rover?

What if I drink too much?

We'll be up shit creek.

WAR FILM BLARES

I'm going out.

Is this too loud?

-No! No. It's me. It's fine.

-We can turn it down.

It's fine. It's just...I can't concentrate.

-Where are you going?

-Just for a walk.

-Shall we all go?

-No.

-We can all go.

I just...no. No, you...

Perhaps you could get something for supper...while you're out.

-Pizzas or...?

-Yeah.

How long will you be?

I don't know, does it matter?

Have you got your mobile?

Isn't she too old to be pregnant?

Well...no.

Is she all right?

I... It's...

Why did you ask her if she'd got her mobile?

Oh, she can't...

-She doesn't... She sometimes...

-What?

I'll just follow her.

I'll just make sure she doesn't...

-She shouldn't really be drinking, you see.

-Right.

Shan't be long. Famous last words.

Harry Wallace! Good Lord. He once asked me out.

Oh, Harry asked everyone out.

-Oh, I'm sorry, not that...

-No, no, I know he did!

I didn't say yes!

Did he ever ask you out, Celia?

He wouldn't dare.

-We're related now, me and Harry.

-How?

Oh, well - did you not...tell Muriel...?

Er, no. I hadn't.

Well, I've got a great-grandchild. Emily. Emily Jane.

His - Harry's - granddaughter and my grandson, Raff.

They've...

I thought...did you not say he was still doing his A-levels?

-Yes! They're very young.

-They're both still at school?

-Mm.

-Oh. Well...it happens.

-They're very fond of each other.

-Of course.

-And they're not daft.

Well...they were, obviously, or it wouldn't have happened, but...

So they've risen to the occasion.

Yes! Yes, they seem to be doing.

Gosh.

Do you think Caroline'll ever get married again, Celia?

Is there anyone?

Well, she's very attractive...

I doubt it. I think she's seen the light.

-Seen the light?

-As regards men.

I think she's worked out what shallow-minded half-wits they are.

Oh, not you!

Not you, never you.

Aw, so wonderful. It's so perfect.

What a shame it didn't happen all those years ago.

Yeah. Yeah.

In oh-so many ways.

Although we wouldn't have had our Caroline and our Gillian.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, love! (It's Caroline.)

Mum, this place we're visiting is perfect.

I think you'll love it - there are various options,

it depends how far you want to push the boat out,

but honestly, I think you'll be charmed.

But the point is the only day they've got free

this side of Christmas, and it's a way off,

is Tuesday the 24th of December, so...

But that...that's Christmas Eve!

'I know it's Christmas Eve!'

So we need to make a decision, because it'll probably go,

they're very popular.

(I think they think we're getting married.)

Can you e-mail me some pictures, to Muriel's address,

so we can have a look?

Just hang on, Mum.

W-Why would they think that?

I'm guessing that they remember you bringing Kate here,

and they think that I'm just another one of your women.

-No!

-'Hello?'

Are you there? Caroline?

Hello? Sorry.

Can you e-mail me some pictures?

Yeah, I can.

I've...got Muriel's e-mail address on my phone.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

What are you laughing at?

Nothing. We've just had some champagne, that's all.

-Oh, don't do that!

-Why not?

-It's frightening.

-Oh, thanks.

My pelvic floor isn't what it was.

I'm going to finish wi' you if you're not careful.

I can't hear what you're saying.

-I'm going to send you some photos and a list of costs, Mum.

-'OK.'

Are you having a nice time?

No.

I'm sorry I rang her, I'm sorry I put my foot in it.

It's fine, it's forgotten. You didn't know.

I love you.

Aww!

-'I love you.'

-Bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

How are we doing, ladies?

That's fantastic.

Thank you very much, we will.

Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.

-Have they got it?

-Yeah.

"Inebriated headmistress leaves phone in hotel bar."

"Drunken pillock leaves phone in hotel bar."

-That's not good copy, that's just normal.

-60.

Quick, open up, I need the loo.

Oh, I never lock up. Nowt worth stealing.

VOICEMAIL: 'Hello. This is Caroline.

'Leave a message and I'll get back to you as quickly as I can.

Mum? Dad went out. Ages ago.

I can't get hold of him.

Can you come and get me?

Where are you? Why aren't you answering?

I'm sorry I said you were boring.

Mum?

Mum?

-Tea.

-Mm.

You definitely all right for driving me back

to pick up the Landy tomorrow?

Well, yeah, I've got to get my phone, haven't I?

Oh.

What happened?

With Kate?

I booked two separate rooms for a romantic weekend.

You knob.

Don't go on at me.

What time will thingy and whats-it be back from...wherever-it-was

with little doo-dah?

Raff. Ellie. York. Calamity.

I've no idea.

Will you have room for me?

We've always got room for you.

I blew it with Kate.

I really blew it.

I only realise now how lovely it was.

How precious.

And I've tried to apologise, but she won't listen.

I think she's decided that I'm bad for her.

And there's nothing I can do or say.

I'm in this box now, with "bad" written on it.

Well, not "bad." Just...

"Arrogant."

"Inept."

"Selfish."

"Repressed."

Just, emotionally...crippled.

You all right?

What about you and Robbie?

Oh - me and Robbie.

That's a different sort of thing altogether.

Why?

Do you fancy a drop of brandy in your tea?

Are you?

Oh, I hope we've made the right decision.

I think it looks spot-on.

One thing I will say for Caroline - she has good taste.

Well, we're committed now, they've paid the deposit.

Although she sounded a bit pissed when I spoke to her.

-Is this...Kenneth?

-Yeah.

That's him.

Hm...

She seems very fond of you, Muriel.

Considering...

Considering what?

Well, that...you don't seem very fond of her.

Oh...she's right enough.

-It's...

-What?

Oh...she's always has to be the centre of attention.

She can't just come to a party, Muriel - she has to BE the party.

Well, some people are needy that way, aren't they?

Needy? Is that what it is?

Scared of being left out. Scared of being overlooked.

So they push their way to the front, with their sharp elbows.

Some people might find that attractive,

but I'm damned certain I don't.

Is that what you're bothered about?

If she came to t'wedding,

she'd make you feel like it were her big day, rather than yours?

Something like that, yes.

She's very plain, you know.

Compared to you.

And she hasn't made me laugh all day. Not once.

I think the day we get married, you and me together,

we'll eclipse everyone else entirely - don't you?

Was that her husband?

Yeah. Frank. That's Frank.

He's dead.

So here's the thing.

This is the thing.

Me and Robbie.

I am - I've always been - very, very, very fond of him.

I should've stuck with him.

Robbie.

But Eddie...

SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

He was...

..just one of those men who...

Oh, God.

When I was with him, nothing else mattered. Nothing.

You could've dropped a helium bomb on Halifax

and I wouldn't have noticed.

It was hydrogen.

I shouldn't have done that to Robbie.

But I couldn't help it.

I couldn't.

But you'd got over that, surely, before -

you and Robbie, when you started going out with each other again...

Mm, yeah. We did.

Wow.

But...

It's not going to last with that Cheryl, is it?

He'll soon get to the end of her.

-He's obviously only bothering...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

I know that. I know that.

Sorry.

Although Raff reckons she's moving in with him.

Am I missing the point?

No. No. No.

I...

..don't think...ever...

..me and Robbie could be a good idea.

Even though, all things being equal, we could've been.

Why?

We could've been really nice together.

Why do you think you can't be?

I did the...shittiest thing to him.

I never told anyone this, Caroline.

-I'm...very drunk.

-So am I.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-As drunk as me?

-I don't know, I'm pretty drunk.

Don't tell me something you're going to regret.

-I want to tell you.

-OK.

I...

I murdered him.

Eddie.

The only proper family Robbie ever had.

And...fuck!

I murdered him.

You don't know what you're talking about, you never did!

It's all so easy, isn't it?

It's all so cut and dried and black and white,

that's why you've been so successful all your life!

Because you've got all the bloody answers to bloody everything!

Lawrence?

"Just get rid of it, Judith, you're killing it, anyway."

Can you hear what you sound like?

Can you hear how nasty it is?

-Lawrence?

-You have no... Men don't!

Women create, men destroy. Fact.

Women create life, men shoot people.

Name me one war started by a woman.

The Falklands.

Yeah! Exactly! That's the one.

Where's Lawrence?

Out of how many? Since time began?

-One war.

-Where is Lawrence?

And don't say the Trojan War, because that's bollocks.

Pollux. Pollux and Castor, they started it.

They invaded...Athens.

She was - Helen was just an excuse to get the guns out.

Boadicea.

Joan of Arc, Elizabeth I,

Cleopatra, Queen Anne, Golda Meir,

Indira Ghandi, Catherine the Great.

Queen Isabella of Spain - she was a bitch.

Tzu-Hsi...

You made that last one up.

You don't know what you're talking about! Let's face it.

Gun-boat diplomacy! Who started that?

Queen Victoria!

Where is Lawrence?

He knocked me about.

All the time.

He knocked three of my back teeth out.

Be careful not to do it at the front.

Where people can see.

Once...he pinned me down...

..and put a cigarette out.

On my neck.

I've...shed blood...

..in every room in this house.

There were other humiliations.

I won't bore you with them.

So...

I...

The police had me in for...days.

Hours, over several days.

And me dad.

I told him same tale I told them.

That I'd found him with his head in the log splitter.

He had an inkling there was more to it than that,

me dad did.

So I told him I'd put him out of his misery

after a botched suicide effort.

He bought that.

I think - I think he bought that.

Then he made me ring the police.

Why are you telling me this?

I don't know.

Because...

..that's why it could never work.

Me and Robbie.

Even he - after the coroner's report -

had to accept...

But I did it.

His brother, only proper family he's ever had,

and I...

..did it.

So that's why.

That's why.

But other than that...

I don't know why I've told you, Caroline.

Oh...

SHE RETCHES

I need to know if you're going to go to the police.

Do you fancy a stag night, Alan?

Like in a lap dancing club?

I decided it was worth, one more time, saying I'm sorry.

My only regret is that we didn't get that bungalow at Ripponden Bank.

It were my fault we didn't get it.

Kate's driven herself into hospital. She's bleeding.

I think you and our Gillian should get back together.

-Did you ever know how miserable I was with Kenneth?

-No.

-Hi?

-We're ready.

-They're ready.

Have a nice Christmas.

Yeah, how likely is that?