Pack Your Lederhosen Lilyhammer

This programme contains some violent scenes and strong language

It ain't safe around here no more.

I'm going to give you the cocksucker. But I've got some demands.

I'm thinking Lilyhammer.

Here's the file to your new identity.

From now on you're Giovanni Henriksen.

I had a very successful bar in New York, you know.

Is this blackmail?

I just need you to make a few moves so I can get a local license.

Yeah, it seems like Tagliano is maybe not so disappeared after all.

Here we are.

That place?

Where is that peace of shit Frank Tagliano hiding, eh?

Pack your lederhosen, boys. You're going to Norway.

I can't believe they booked us on economy fucking class.

We're here now. Get over it.

I couldn't even stretch my legs out

and my pants are all creased, for fuck's sake.

You should walk around like everybody else does.

Please sign there. So is this your first time in Norway or..?

Yeah, first and last.

You're on holiday?

Well, you could say that. We're visiting an old friend

who doesn't even know we're coming yet.

What a big surprise.

Yeah, he'll be surprised all right.

-Thanks.

-Let's go, let's get out of here.

Take it easy.

-Shit. What are you doing?

-How the fuck

-do you get the heat up on this thing?

-Are you cold?

Yeah, I thought it was supposed to be spring here.

Why don't you put on a sweater, like I did?

They itch.

They itch?

Yeah, they fucking itch.

Now you got me. Dugnad?

It's when the neighbours, they come together

and they clean the yard and wash the stairs.

And stuff like that.

We have no cleaning people?

Great.

CHURCH BELLS RING

-Drug related?

-Yeah.

Sure this is the house?

Yeah, well, it better be.

We need Arne's muscle to get this thing up in the apartment, you know.

So why couldn't your brother help us out?

You sure that's a good idea?

Not for nothing, but everything your brother touches turns to shit, OK?

And it flows down on me.

Relax, you know. My brother ain't no idiot.

He's OK.

-Yeah.

-Hey, look at this.

Jesus, that's a foxy lady.

Yeah, that's not bad.

She's hot.

Hey, what do you say, kid.

Hey, that's some wife you got there.

Wife?

-That's you mother?

-Yeah.

Can you believe this kid?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please don't tell Mommy we were making fun of you.

THEY LAUGH

I'm paying for number one.

Yeah, that's 570 kroners, please.

-To fill up that tiny thing? That's like a hundred fucking bucks!

-Yes.

Kid, I'm from New York, all right. I'm used to punks like you

trying to rip me off. Come on, what's the real price?

That's what it costs. 570 kroners.

All right, kid, I'm not paying at all.

How do you like that, huh, smartass? You like that?

-Yeah? Go fuck yourself, all right?

-Hey!

Hey!

HE SCROLLS THROUGH THE RADIO STATIONS

METAL CLANGS

You call that laying low?

Aw, jeez, I'm sorry I missed all of the action.

Let me contribute to the cause, all right?

It's a real 50's Wurlitzer.

-The walls are very thin.

-Don't worry about a thing.

It's going to be like milk and honey in your ears.

Come on, boys!

Let me get those bags.

My legs are still sore, man.

From the fucking flight.

We have a reservation. Somewhere in here.

Thank you.

That'll be your room. 216.

216. Good.

Where's my room?

Er...you've booked a double room.

What the fuck..?

This must be a misunderstanding. Can you check the book again, please?

Yeah, sure...No, er...

Relax.

No, er...you booked a double room

and because of a conference we're completely full. Sorry.

You're fucking sorry? You're fucking pissing me off,

-is what you're doing.

-Jerry, relax.

We'll straighten it out. 216.

Thank you.

You can sleep on the sofa. Come on.

Your oven is huge.

To new beginnings.

Cheers.

What's the matter, Mommy got you on a leash?

Hang on a minute, Arne. What about my place?

You know, the row-house. It's leased for a long time and I'm not using it.

Rent? What rent? We're friends.

MUSIC PLAYS

It's catchy!

Let's party!

LOUD MUSIC AND BANGING FROM ABOVE

You're going to have to start looking without me, all right?

What do you mean, start looking without you?

My body's fucked.

You don't call in sick in this line of work, Jerry.

Sorry. Look at me, for fuck's sake.

Just call me if you find anything, all right?

Fuck it.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Yeah, it's the middle of the fucking night for me.

So?

That one.

That one?

And where's the paper bin?

Right there?

That's what I think of your fucking rules.

CLAPPING

Oh, yeah. Check this out.

It's even got one of those Playbox things.

You know, for the kids.

Wow.

And look at this.

What do you think?

COMPUTER GAME GUNFIRE

No, it's just normal, healthy boy stuff.

I haven't shown you the best thing, yet.

OK, and what's that?

Jacuzzi?

The perfect bathtub for the kids.

What, the whirlpool is good for circulation, no?

OK, look.

How about you and Jonas stay the night, help me break the place in?

OK.

That's my girl.

SPEAKING IN SPANISH

Excuse me, I gotta tell you, I was really intrigued by your speech.

Thank you.

-Look, can I ask you a few questions?

-Sure.

Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you mind if you...just give me a moment.

Just...thanks.

Look, that Johnny guy.

That story about that Johnny was very intriguing.

This nightclub you were talking about, is it around here somewhere?

Yes, it's just downtown. In Elvegata.

Elve...Elve...What?

Elvegata. The Flamingo Bar.

I answered your question, maybe I could just...

-No problem. You've been more than helpful.

-Goodbye.

Take care of yourself.

INDESTINCT TV CHATTER

Hey. Rough day? So how are you doing with the search?

No leads on our guy.

Here, take a look at this.

What's this?

Directions to The Flamingo. Run by one Johnny Henriksen,

-some Italian American dude who just got here.

-You're shitting me.

How the fuck did you find out about this?

It's no biggie. I just did some research at the bar, that's all.

I'm busting my ass, breaking my balls,

-and you stumble into this over drinks?

-What can I say,

I'm a class act. I can't help myself.

FIRE ALARM BELL RINGS

Fire.

Jonas.

What the fuck is going on?

What about the smoke? The kid was scared half to death.

There was no letter. I'd remember.

Maybe you're a slimy fuck.

Get that condescending finger out of my face.

HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

HE HUMS TO THE MUSIC

I was checking the inventory in the back.

We seem a little light. Anything missing?

The police took it.

Did they get him?

No, he got away. But the car was...

That's nice.

That stupid fuck.

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, Arne?

OK, I'll play. Why?

I'll be right there.

You should have let me just whack him in front of his stupid club.

Your uncle told us not to make any fuss.

You think blowing his brains out here on the main street

is what he had in mind?

No.

It's those freaking snitches, you know.

They make my index finger twitch.

Stay with him. Stay with him.

You're a fucking putz, you know that?

You're unbelievable.

Get in here.

This is where Tagliano lives?

He should be grateful we're putting him out of his misery.

HE SNEEZES

Shit. The cops.

-You think they've been following us?

-Come on, let's go.

Giovanni Henriksen?

Yeah?

Call Julius. Have him meet me down the station right now.

Let's go, Don Johnson.

First I'm Al Qaida, and now I'm some kind of prohibition rum runner?

What are you guys smoking over here?

Al Qaida?

About time.

How do you explain this marking?

Ah, you don't have to answer this.

Who?

Bullshit.

Mm-hm.

A day or two, and then you're out again.

I can handle a couple days in the can, but you have to fix this.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Here are the toiletries.

This is my cell?

Yes.

What, no minibar?

THE PRISON WARDEN LAUGHS

You understand this?

I understand I should have been arrested a lot sooner.

Music and...

Carpentry.

OK.

OK.

THEY PLAY THE RECORDER

HE PLAYS THE RECORDER OUT OF TUNE

Not bad, kid. You're an artist.

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Excuse me. That was my sandwich.

HE SCREAMS

Anybody else want to tell me how things work around here? Huh?

We had a terrible accident. This place is unsafe.

Don't touch it, don't touch it. You'll hurt yourself.

Hey, call somebody.

They let you in, huh?

I said he was a legal assistant.

Oh, you're a lawyer now? Who was your last client?

Joan of Arc?

THEY LAUGH

So, how's prison?

It's great. It's like fucking Christian summer camp.

You have to get me out of here.

Uh-huh. The witness, huh?

Well, uh...

I hate to think it, and I hate to say it...

But it's gotta be your brother.

He was the only one there.

That's why it was important you came in today, you know.

We were hoping, uh...you could fix this...before it gets ugly.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Thanks. Thanks, there, Vidar.

You are welcome.

Let's have a go.

This shit's good.

Very good.

MOTORBIKES APPROACHING

I fucking love this programme. You've got to see this.

You've got to see this shit.

Next time we're going to plan it better.

Damn right we're going to...

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Hello?

It's the cops.

HE GRUNTS

HE GROANS IN PAIN

So, we're in the clear, huh?

Hey, there he is, the man of the hour. Good job.

Oh, thanks there, Vidar.

Hey, listen, I'll be seeing you again, hopefully never.

OK, thank you, sir.

You don't think I'd leave Disneyland without some souvenirs, do you?

Come on.

It's a real good one.

What the fuck?!

Bad news?

It has to be from my lunatic neighbour.

Take a look.

"...threatening and violent in a fire drill."

What? That's bullshit. It was a little heated discussion.

Can he do that?

Better give this to Julie.

It's time to make some moves on this fat fuck.

-Go ahead.

-Jesus. I didn't know wood was so heavy.

Hello!

-Hey, babe.

-Hi.

-How you doing?

Hello.

So?

So...listen, I'm sorry I didn't return your call sooner, you know?

I got slightly detained.

Yeah, I heard. How was Baltikum?

-Baltikum?

-Yeah.

Yeah, Torgeir told me you were going to Baltikum, or did I misunderstand?

Oh, Baltikum, it was great. Terrific, yeah, yeah.

-I brought back some souvenirs.

-Oh, you did?

-You want to see them?

-Yeah! Oh!

They're handmade. By Baltic craftspeople.

You know, I've been thinking.

What do you say we stick up some bunny-type wallpaper?

You think this would make a good nursery?

Come here.

-What's, uh... "sameo video detekter" mean?

-What?

Sameieved...

Yeah, that's what I said.

It's, you know, laws for the building.

No, it's just a little disagreement

with that dickhead from the fire drill.

Julie gave me a tip on how to deal with the fuck.

Flamingo?

# Hey clowns, come on down

# There's a circus waiting for you in the underground

# Follow the sounds the juke will be blowing us away

# You go there looking for trouble, baby

# That's what you'll find

# The girls do the double even when behind

# It's another revolution rocking souls the same

# Raise your hand if want to stay

# Tell me how you want me tonight

# Hey ho stop the show don't try to stop me cos I have to go

# Hey ho stop the show...#

-We'll talk around back, it's a little loud here.

-What?

HE MOUTHS

# Little rich girls with hungry eyes

# Looking for poor boys worth the exercise

# While the bead of sweat purifies

# The dark is so sensuous... #

Relax. They're on the house.

Now, the reason I called this meeting today

is I'm worried about something.

I'd like to know if you folks all feel the same way?

According to my calculations

we have a problem with the gardening expenses.

40% of our rent goes to this.

If we spend that money more wisely,

we can hire help and get rid of the dugnads.

Wakey, wakey, Frankie Boy!

Shit! It's not him!

Oi!

Oi!

-Hey! Hey! Calm down!

-Get the fuck off!

Calm down! Calm down!

Fucking asshole!

Fucking cocksucking son of a bitch!

Come on!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd