My Kind of Town Lilyhammer

This programme contains very strong language

-Well, I'm the boss now.

-Don't worry about my people, worry about yours.

It ain't safe around here no more.

From now on, you're Giovanni Henriksen.

Whoa!

We go way back. Aaah!

Fuck me!

PHONE RINGS

-Hi, baby.

-'Hi.'

I'm not sure I follow.

Tomorrow we are going to shop the baby carriage, you know?

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't miss that for the world.

'And then, I'm just wondering because,

'you know, in this one thing...'

Honey...

..so I think this is so hard.

I can't really concentrate right now. Could we do this tonight?

OK, then we talk about it later.

Yeah, love you too.

So where is this party, by the way?

Hafjell? That's where he's hiding out?

You kiddin' me?

He goes straight to jail.

Ha-ha! That sounds like our Tommy boy, all right.

DANCE MUSIC INSIDE BUILDING

KNOCKS ON DOOR

MUSIC STOPS

Hey!

Welcome to Honolulu, guys.

MUSIC RESTARTS

Good, good.

This art thing.

The value tends to appreciate pretty good, huh?

If it's the right art.

We could do better.

We could use a little investment.

Under the radar, so to speak.

Money laundry...

I'd be happy to hook you up with my art dealer in Oslo.

My man Max.

Good. Cool, cool.

Hm?

What's there to know? You buy stuff that costs more when you sell it.

MUSIC: "Maria Bartiromo" by Joey Ramone

# What's happening on Wall Street

# What's happening At the Stock Exchange

# I want to know

# What's happening on Squawk Box

# What's happening with my stocks

# I want to know

# I watch her every day

# I watch her every night

# She's really outta sight

# Maria Bartiromo

# Maria Bartiromo

# Maria Bartiromo. #

First time in the Big Apple?

How did you guess?

The fanny pack's a giveaway.

Yeah, right.

So, what'd they book you for?

Ah, no, no, no. See, I'm a policeman, you know, from Norway.

Oh, OK.

OK.

Well, that's me.

Well, have fun.

Hello.

-Thank you for seeing me.

-Not every day I get calls from European colleagues.

I brought doughnuts.

No thanks. I'm on a low carb diet.

-I see.

-What's this case you want to talk about?

Couple of months ago a stranger shows up in my hometown.

White, Caucasian, male.

My gut says that he's kind of fishy, you know.

First I think terrorist, but now Mafia.

Maybe you guys have a file on him?

Nope. Never seen the guy before.

I'm sorry I couldn't help you.

OK, but do you know where I can find these mafia types,

where they hang out and stuff?

If you want to do street work in our jurisdiction,

your department needs to send a formal request.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah?

Look, this cop from overseas just stopped by with some

interesting information about our friend The Fixer.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. It seems like Tagliano's maybe not so disappeared after all.

Motherfucker.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, I'm sorry.

The new inventory came in, and I'm stuck here at work.

Well, you know how it is. These things can take all night.

'OK.'

Don't wait up, all right?

OK.

-'I'll see you tomorrow.'

-Bye.

# I watch her every day

# I watch her every night

# She's really outta sight

# Maria Bartiromo. #

If it isn't Mr Fanny Pack. Looks good.

You know what?

I'm not interested in any soliciting, if that's your plan.

What, a girl can't ask a guy for a doughnut any more?

You want a doughnut?

Mm-hmm.

OK.

So, how did your meeting go?

That bad, huh?

Yeah.

You know, I have a suspect who I think is in the Mafia.

But the police won't give me any clues.

-Oh, maybe I can help you.

-How?

I know a couple places these wiseguys hang out.

If you buy me dinner, I'll take you there.

I don't know.

What? You got any other leads?

No.

Alcohol, maybe?

Is it from you?

Ah, it's the new inventory.

You know, I just had a taste of it.

It's probably your condition making your nose more sensitive.

How's that pregnant yoga thing going?

We shall practice to give birth, so then you have to come.

What?

-Me?

-Yeah.

Look, there's a limit to what a man can do and still be a man.

I'm not crossing that line.

Get in there.

It's very easy to fold together and it's got very good reviews.

How much?

12 grand?

Ja.

We have a little misunderstanding here, my friend.

You see, we already have the babies, we just need the carriage.

I really like it.

-This one?

-Yes, don't you?

You're not going to regret this.

Hey, I'm fine. Just got to keep an eye on these kids

-being spoiled too soon, that's all.

-Ja, ja.

Yes, but, don't you think you should...

Just...

It's probably just a little tight cos it's new.

Shit!

Motherfucker.

OK, now. Take it easy.

It's OK, it's OK. Just take it easy, take it easy.

12 grand.

Didn't last five minutes.

Look.

Look, I'll cover the repair, all right? Just give me a new one.

I'm sorry, that's not possible, this was the last one.

What are you talking about? There's one right there.

Oh, no, that's just a display model, it's not for sale.

But this one is also nice!

Oh! You sell me the Rolls, and now the Volkswagen's suddenly OK?

I'll cover the repair. That Winnie Twister is coming with me!

Nei, nei, nei!

Let go of that Winnie Twister!

Give me that thing!

I'm warning you!

ALARM RINGS

Give me whatever you've got.

What a day.

You know, maybe I'll go that yoga class after all.

OK.

That make you happy?

MUSIC: "Lacrimosa" by Mozart

I have no time. I have an emergency about the Belleview project.

The art has arrived that you bought.

Eh?

What is it?

I don't know.

Jesus Christ!

You spent my money on a monkey getting a blowjob?

Take it back!

My return policy is get it the fuck out of here, and get my money back!

Do you like working at the NAV?

I got it, boss. I got it.

Where's Julius? He ain't coming?

PHONE RINGS

How's your form, Johnny boy?

It was a pretty wild party, eh?

Let's not dwell on the past, jailbird.

What board meeting? You left the board when I joined, remember?

So Julius sold his shares.

What?

Julius can't just sell without talking to us.

But relax, it's in the best of hands.

I got a penthouse in this thing.

I don't plan on living in Disneyland.

What the fuck are you up to with the Belleview project?

Bullshit. I made a deal with you,

not some hillbillies trying to turn the place into a fucking Aqualand.

Well, the deal is done. I'm sorry.

Oh, not half as sorry as you're going to be,

you whining fucking cocksucker!

You really want to fuck with me?

Relax, Osama. It's between me and your father.

What's he saying?

C'mon, what are you saying?

He's got cancer.

Jesus.

PHONE RINGS

Why didn't you say something?

Fuck.

This Dr Tootsie..?

Dr Utsi? He's from Lapland.

Lapland, huh? He's good, huh?

Yeah, he's good.

Well...

Well, if there's anything I can do, OK, don't hesitate to call.

Oh, thank you, Johnny. Thank you for being so generous.

Yeah, Torgeir, talk to me.

They stole my monkey?

Motherfucker!

-Stay there, you hear me? I'm coming.

-'Sure. OK, boss.'

Can you do me a favour tonight?

-Hi!

-Hi, baby!

Yeah, I was really ready, I was looking forward to this, you know.

Torgeir just called, I've got an emergency. I've got to run.

The good news is Arne's going to take you. OK?

Yeah, he's going to take you to yoga.

He's going to buy you dinner first, OK? On me. I've got to go...

It's going to be great.

OK, erm...

Excuse me!

You the cop who's looking for some wiseguy?

Yeah, maybe.

I've got a pal who runs a joint couple of blocks from here

-who can help you out.

-How do you know what he's looking for?

What the fuck do you care? Take a hike, sister.

Come on. I'm getting a bad vibe. Let's get out of here.

You're not going anywhere.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE

# Eeny-meeny-miny-mo

# Eeny. #

MUSIC STOPS

You owe me money!

I just got a cut!

We need you to tell us who hired you to sell that painting.

I work with so many.

I'm going to mention a name now.

Van Gogh, do you know the name?

Vincent Van Gogh, yeah.

That's the one.

You don't cooperate...

..you're going to look just like him.

Aaah!

OK, OK, OK!

It's a guy from Lillehammer.

Thomas Aune!

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

What's that?

It's an installation about how society treats animals.

No, no, no. What's the carriage?

Is that a Winnie Twister?

I don't know, I don't know.

That goes with us. Lose the meat.

You can't just take it, sorry.

You don't mind if that goes with us, do you?

-No, please, be my guest.

-I didn't think so.

ALL BREATHE QUICKLY

Oooooooh...

Hey!

First of all, who takes a Jacuzzi in this kind of weather?

Get the fuck down!

And second...

Where's my monkey?

Do you know what?

He called me, he called me, the gallerist from Oslo,

and they told me there was some misunderstanding with the painting.

Oh, really?

I promise you, I didn't plan to sell it,

but then the Belleview project come up, and you know how that works...

So you fucked me over with the painting

so you could fuck me over with the Belleview project?

Is that about it, Tommy boy?

No, it's Max, the idiot, Max.

He never should have sold it to you guys. You're my friends.

But that's what happened.

Where is his monkey, bitch?

I don't have it.

I sure don't have it, so...

I'm sorry, guys.

I think it's time for a little walk.

Guys. I go to jail. If I go any longer I go to jail, OK?

I want my monkey.

Not any further.

He wants his monkey!

OK, OK, OK.

OK, what?

In the sauna.

And that's the truth?

Yeah. Let me go.

Let him go.

No!

ANKLE TAG BEEPS

Where's that piece of shit Frank Tagliano hiding, huh?

You were dying to talk about him a little while ago

and now you fucking clam up?

GROANING

Fuck.

GROANING

Shut her up.

Easy, Jerry, easy, easy.

You're going to pay for that.

-Put the gun down!

-You fucking perv!

Put the gun down.

-Easy, easy.

-Fucking perv!

Put the gun down.

Aaaargh!

GUNSHOT

I pity the fool who doesn't drink,

because every time they wake up in the morning, it's...

that's the best they ever going to feel that day.

DRUM ROLL

Ha-ha!

Is there a problem here?

This gorilla won't let me in.

Wonder why? You look like Halloween.

I'm wearing a traditional Sami clothing.

Well, you might be the king of the Eskimos,

but we have a dress code here.

Well, I don't really care...

Did you say you're a doctor from Lapland?

By any chance, would you happen to be the doctor of Mr Julius Backe?

You're all right. Arne, he's all right.

You're in. Let me buy you a drink.

Why didn't you say you were a friend of Juli's?

Try that.

You like his stuff?

It's fantastic.

Well, you know, for a price, it could be back on the market.

I don't have that kind of money.

Shame about Juli, huh?

I know, I guess you didn't catch it fast enough.

His tests, they were fine.

Fine?

The guy's got the Big C. I mean, terminal, no?

-Son of a bitch.

-I didn't say anything.

Before you go...

I have a little business proposition for you.

Are you hurt?

Yes.

I...

Geir?

Laila?

Geir?

'It was two guys, Italian-American.'

One short, grey hair, the other one younger, dark hair.

I can come to the station, help you do a drawing.

No, no, you've been more than helpful.

Now go get yourself a warm beverage.

Hey, Lieutenant.

I'm at the crime scene now.

Yeah, some hillbilly tourist was here

visiting one of the regulars, Deshawna.

Yeah, probably buying drugs.

Yeah, as usual nobody's seen or heard anything.

I'm afraid this is going to end up right on the pile of unsolved cases.

DOORBELL RINGS

I figured you might be gone tomorrow so we better talk now.

OK.

I've got a solution to the Belleview project.

You're going to buy me out.

Yeah, and you're going to take that money you got from Tommy boy

and give it to me for my piece.

Come on, that doesn't make sense.

A lot of things don't make sense. You know?

Like your medical records, for instance.

Where the fuck did you get this one?

Not important where I got it, Juli.

What's important is what your kids are going to say

when I show it to them.

No. No, come on, please.

Juli, you're mixing me up with somebody who gives a fuck.

Just sign over the money.

You really don't want your kids knowing the truth

about their father, do you?

We're ready for you now.

Sorry to disturb you guys, but I ran into the Doc,

and he had some news that just won't wait.

Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

What do you feel, boss?

Take the challenge?

What? Me?

Yeah.

Nah.

Ah, come on.

-HE CHANTS:

-Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!

ALL JOIN IN: Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!

All right. All right.

APPLAUSE

Let's hear it, folks.

Let's hear it, let's hear it.

Let's hear it.

How did all these people get in my room?

LAUGHTER

Maestro, one of your finest chords, please.

Now this could only happen to a guy like me.

And only happen in a town like this, am I right?

# So may I say to each of you Most gratefully

# As I throw each one of you a kiss

# This is my kind of town

# Lillehammer is my kind of town

# Lillehammer is My kind of people, too

# People who, smile at you

# And each time I sneeze

ALL: # Lillehammer is

# It must be that Lillehammer freeze

# Lillehammer is

# Majestic mountain views all around

# It's my kind of town! #

Am I right, or am I right? Huh?

How am I doing so far?

Sit down, I'm not finished yet.

# My kind of town

ALL: # Lillehammer is

# My kind of town

# Lillehammer is

# Reindeer and moose hallo

# And you know all that snow

# And each time I run

# Lillehammer is

# Bustin' my buns

# Lillehammer is... #

So, no clues as to where this guy is from?

I'm telling you, that's where Tagliano was hiding out.

No passport, no plane ticket, no drivers licence, no nothing.

Didn't it occur to you to just ask the guy?

We were going to,

but then Mr Trigger Happy here decided to shoot him instead.

Hey look, he attacked me.

Fuck this, huh?

Now look at this.

Pack your lederhosen, boys.

You're going to Norway.

# It's my kind of town. #

Yeah!

My kind of town, baby.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles for the hard of hearing by Red Bee Media Ltd