The Midwife Lilyhammer

This programme contains very strong language

It ain't safe around here no more.

GUNSHOTS

I'm thinking Lillehammer.

Why the fuck would you want to go there?

Clean air, fresh white snow,

gorgeous broads and, best of all,

nobody, but nobody, is going to be looking for me there.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

BABY CRIES

Yes.

Mind-blowing.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Svein.

-Johnny.

So, you're the doctor?

Excuse me?

Er...

I'm the midwife.

-You're the midwife?

-Ja.

THEY LAUGH

SHE LAUGHS

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen.

I'm not too comfortable putting your hands...

I don't know, honey. Listen, I think we need a regular midwife.

A regular midwife?

Yeah, you know. Key word - wife.

You know, as in broad, as in skirt, as in dame...

Oh, Jesus.

Excuse me girls, would you happen to know

where the doctor in charge might be?

Yes, it's me.

-Oh.

-Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm...

I'm having a little trouble with my midwife.

OK. What's the trouble?

Well, the trouble is...

it's a man.

OK...

Call me old fashioned, but...

I just don't want the first thing my kid sees

to be his mother spreading her legs for another man.

You have to wear blue plastic socks here.

HE CHUCKLES

I went to get schooled on the dress code.

Hey, baby, it's me.

Hi.

Gjovik. Motherfucker.

-'Hello, Dr Hustad.'

-Johnny Henriksen here.

We spoke the other day at the hospital.

Yeah, how you doing?

Listen, there's been a mix up.

I got a letter saying we've been moved to Gjovik.

Well, that's some kind of misunderstanding.

I mean, my girlfriend doesn't want to go anywhere else.

You've got to switch us back.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me there's nothing you can do?

Neimen hei Johnny!

Julius Picasso, as I live and breathe.

HE LAUGHS

Listen, I know I'm usually here for business,

but this time I've got something a little more personal.

Oh?

I've been going with a girl, Sigrid...

You know, the blonde.

Ja, ja, ja.

Well, we're going to have a kid.

Congratulations.

Shannon! Shannon! Bring us some bubbly water from the basement.

You don't have to do that.

We have to celebrate. Come on. Sit down.

I have a little problem with the hospital.

Yeah, they assigned me a male midwife...

And when I suggested to them that maybe I wasn't entirely comfortable,

You know, with my midwife getting a hard-on during the birth...

they immediately reassigned me to some hospital in Gjovik.

I'm telling you, Julie. If Sigrid finds out, I'm a dead man.

You got that kind of juice?

-Salute.

-Cheers.

WHISPERS:

I... I've got to go.

-But thanks for taking care of that thing.

-No problem.

Sorry. Er...

PHONE RINGS

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

HE SPLUTTERS

You know, the couple with the baby?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, of course.

Jonas!

He's coming.

Jonas!

DOORBELL RINGS

BABY CRIES

So you're running the whole operation here?

Yeah, you should think about it.

Yeah.

KETTLE WHISTLES

Shit.

Me?

BABY SCREAMS

KETTLE WHISTLES

Are they supposed to smell like this?

GUITAR CHORDS AND SHOUTING

ALL: Ja.

I got a surprise for you.

Yeah!

# Well, it's one for the money

# Two for the show

# Three to get ready

# Now go, cat, go

# But don't you

# Step on my blue suede shoes... #

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

I...

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

GUITAR CHORDS

Sorry. Sorry.

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

BABY CRIES

DOOR CLOSES

A friend of mine she had to give birth in the Nabokommune.

Excuse me.

Is there a men's room?

Upstairs.

Julie, it's Johnny. Again.

What the fuck's going on with my fodeplass? Huh?

You're not returning my calls.

I could use some good news on this one.

Call me back!

-What? Me?

-Yeah, yeah.

I don't know...

That would be great.

Yeah. Come on.

WEEPING AND SNIFFLING

It's Johnny.

Just wanted to see how you're doing.

Women.

Yeah, life ain't easy.

No.

Come again?

Snip, snip. I sterilized myself.

Jesus.

Sometimes you've just got to get it all out.

HE LAUGHS

Thank you, Johnny. Thank you.

-OK.

-Thank you.

It's OK.

Yeah. Just, you know, let it all out.

OK.

Oh, he's got some issues, all right.

Maybe you can bring him

to one of his poker nights?

-Wouldn't that be nice?

-HE SIGHS

Yeah, you can do that. He has no friends, and...

Yeah, and I know why.

What the hell, why not?

He could sure use a shot of testosterone.

Thank you.

VIDEO GAME BEEPS

Your mom had to crash.

That Linnea girl today,

you kind of liked her, huh?

I saw you get all...shy and shit when she came around.

Next time...

You get a little anxiety around a girl... You know, intimidated,

you look at her, up and down,

and you say to yourself,

"Women are food."

Yeah.

They are a reward for a man's hard day's work.

Like a good meal.

Why do you think we call them sugar,

honey, sweetie, cupcake...?

Am I right?

They're our nourishment,

they exist to inspire us,

with those luscious lips...

beautiful tits...

round, smooth, creamy asses

and delicious pussies,

all waiting to be tasted, licked, bitten, sucked...

Savoured like a fine wine.

-You get what I'm saying?

-Yes.

That's my boy.

Now, go to bed.

Remember what I said.

Geir?

RECORD JUMPS

MUSIC STOPS

Geir?

WATER FLOWS

Oslo.

New York.

Memphis?

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

-Hi.

-Hey, what do you say?!

Looks like you've got something more then cards on your mind.

I've been trying to reach Julius.

You know, I can't find him. You seen him around?

-His kid ran away?

-Ja, ja.

Jesus Christ, he was supposed to do a thing for me.

Don't count on it.

Fuck.

-Come on, we got a game.

-Yeah.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Gentlemen, full house.

Oh!

Motherfucker!

So much for your beautiful straight.

This is Jan's night, I tell you right now. You son of a...

Shit, I forgot I invited that guy.

Per, how you doing?

Good to see you, my friend. Sit down, sit down.

Everybody this is Per.

In here we make our own laws.

THEY SNIGGER

Come to play, my friend?

The price is 25. Come on in.

Get the Big Spender a drink.

Per...

The one night of your life you're off the leash.

One drink.

THEY SNIGGER

You're beautiful.

Here we go. Here we go.

INTERMITTENT BEEPING

Huh?

Geir Tveit, Lillehammer.

Come on.

3,000 more to you.

You're looking a little light, my friend.

Tell you what,

I'll loan you 5,000.

You're good for it.

Right.

Oh!

You're raising me 2,000?

That guy got balls, you've got to give it to him.

Hit me, hit me, hit me.

Motherfucker!

Oh, fuck.

Look at this.

I'm going to do your 2,000 and 3,000 more.

You're already in for five digits. That might be enough.

It's a nice ring, but...

..it's not 3,000 worth.

Tell you what,

give me the fodeplass from the hospital.

What?!

Yeah, they transferred us to Gjovik.

Sigrid likes Lillehammer...

Give me your fodeplass,

and call it even.

What have you got?

Very impressive.

Full boat, queens over sevens...

Straight flush to the king.

Don't worry, lots of good hotels on the way to Gjovik.

"Mental disorder..."

"Have you ever been involved in terrorist activities?"

HE SNIGGERS

What the fuck?!

I see the local artists have paid you a visit too?

Yes.

Torgeir, Arne, come here.

Give the guy a hand.

This would never happen where I come from.

We take care of our own neighbourhoods.

You know, concerned citizens get together and...

..talk some sense into the kids.

So you got the same kind of thing here, huh?

Night Ravens.

I like the sound of that.

-So this is where the ravens gather?

-Yeah, sure. Sure.

OK, OK.

You don't want the bat slipping once the game starts.

You know, in the main event.

Busting heads.

Why? How do you expect to get anything done?

You can't talk to bad guys.

You think we'd have gotten Saddam if we'd shown up

in yellow vests, wanting to chat?

All right, all right...

Got you! I'm fucking with you.

Just joking. I'm big on this dialogue stuff.

Well, well, well. If it's not my favourite midwife!

The juvenile delinquents are out there shaking in their boots tonight,

with you and grandma on the loose.

Very funny.

Relax. We just got off on the wrong foot, that's all.

Yeah, but that's all water under the bridge now.

Now we're back under your care.

Yeah. But we switched back.

A spot opened up.

Remember Per, the male homemaker?

Dahl Thomassen?

Yeah.

They decided they preferred...

Gjovik.

No shit.

TANNOY BEEPS

We have now arrived at Newark International Airport.

Due to a minor technical problem,

we kindly ask you to sit in your seats for a few more minutes.

Excuse me, Sir?

I need you to stand up and come with us, please.

-What, me?

-Yes.

Is this about the joke? We were just messing around, Officer.

Yes, unfortunately, there's nobody else laughing, Sir.

Please, stand and come with us.

Hey! Hey!

Do you know this man?

I'm an officer! I'm an officer, Officer.

"Hip Hop Against Drugs."

Isn't that, like, a contradiction?

You know, like...

hookers against blow jobs?

SHE CHUCKLES

He has always been a little... What do you call it?

Sirumpa.

Seeroompah... As in, he's got pole up his ass?

Ja, something like that.

Hallo.

LIQUID SLOSHES

How's that dialogue thing going so far?

-THUMP

-Oh!

Gudrun!

THUMP

You shouldn't be pushing old ladies around...

SCUFFLING

-Come here.

-Hey!

SCUFFLING

BOTTLE CLINKS

That's quite a left hook for a midwife.

The kind you don't want to fuck with.

WHISTLE SOUNDS

I was expecting something like this from you.

Look. Svein here is just trying covering my ass, all right?

He even hurt his elbow trying to stop me.

Yeah, I got two last words for you Mr Raven,

Never fucking more.

Wake up.

Your identity was confirmed by the embassy. Come with us.

We only have one more question.

OK.

Why do you have pictures of American citizens

involved in organised crime in your bag?

-What did you say about this man?

-Please. Answer the question.

Uh, it's just a case I'm working on.

So you're on duty?

No. I'm... I'm...

What do you call it? Er...

Permutated?

But who is he?

Organised crime, you say?

We're done here. You're free to go.

-Hey, wait!

-Sorry, Sir.

Mafia.

Do you know what she's talking about?

No, no, you're not up to speed. We switched back.

Switched back?

My man.

Well, I'm not betting. But a son will do.

What do you mean?

Twins.

Fuck me.

Subtitles for the deaf and hard-of-hearing by Red Bee Media Ltd