Episode 3 Lilyhammer

I don't want to relocate in the US.

It ain't safe around here no more.

You give us Aldo Delucci and we'll send you to the goddamn North pole.

Will you need a warrant for that?

# Baby, now can't you see?

# It's how it has to be. #

This programme contains strong language.

It's time to close out your tab.

Yeah, yeah. The problem is my colleague here

let you charge 100 grand on champagne, and your card bounced.

Yeah, it bounced.

Well, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding

with the card company.

We checked. No misunderstanding.

It's pennies, OK?

I like pennies.

I'm not going to let two hillbillies like you treat me like this, OK?

Refreshing, isn't it?

It's only pennies! Hey!

How long, boss? What is customary?

That should do it.

-Any new thoughts on my pennies?

-OK, I'll pay. I'll pay.

You see? Nothing clears the mind like an early morning swim.

-Jesus.

-It's, uh...

the shit. HE CHUCKLES

Keep looking.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

"Sjusjoen's Belleview."

What's the story with this Sjusjoen's Belleview here?

It's, you know, luxury apartments.

Nice.

I tell you what, give me one of these condos and we'll call it even.

Says right here, "5% down", which just about covers your bill.

We'll take care of the rest later.

-You know, a bank guarantee?

-You don't trust me?

Good, then we have a deal.

Or are you ready for another fucking swim?

-I'll see what I can do.

-Yeah, you do that.

-Look at this.

-Yeah, it's radical.

It's a great condo. You can live there, and I can live there.

Global terrorism categorises terrorist targets.

"Large gatherings...emotional impact, media coverage."

SOFT, RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO

MUSIC STOPS

Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Sorry.

The tree-hugger - some piece of work, huh?

..fucking messed-up people.

Well, don't lose heart yet.

I've got a little proposition for you.

Javel.

Suppose I can talk some sense into that half-a-Michael-Moore,

would you be willing to sweeten the deal on my condo?

You got it, kid.

SOUL MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR STEREO

POLICE SIREN BLARES

What the fuck?

Assalaamu Alaikum.

-Come again?

-It means hello in Arabic.

I've been driving for exactly one block.

I could not have been speeding.

It's a routine control.

Driver's licence and registration, please.

There you go.

What are you talking about?

You can only drive snow scooters and mopeds and stuff with this one.

What the fuck?

You got to give me a break here. Come on!

What about that Elvis night we were talking about?

Hey, listen, comrade,

when I'm politimann, I'm politimann.

When I'm Elvis, I'm Elvis.

Start walking.

APPLAUSE

HE BEGINS TO SING

HE PLAYS A FEW NOTES

PHONE BEEPS

'Hi, Tagliano. This is Agent Becker returning your phone calls.'

-It's about fucking time.

-'I looked into it.

'The local police are right. Your American licence isn't valid.'

How is that even possible?!

'It seems like you've become the victim of a practical joke.'

-I'm not laughing.

-'Just get yourself a Norwegian licence.

'How hard can it be?'

This isn't fair. I gave you Aldo fucking Delucci.

'Not quite.

'They've come up with alibis for the stuff you pinned on him.

'He's going to walk.'

Fucking FBI. No wonder the fucking terrorists are winning!

DOG BARKS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, I need a driver's licence.

I'm in a little hurry. Can we get this done today?

Today?! You can't, uh...

All I want to do is drive a car, not the Space Shuttle.

No shit.

Wait a minute.

It's a stick?!

Yes.

Nobody's seen a stick since the frickin' '60s.

-If you want a Norwegian driving licence, you must gear manual.

-OK.

ENGINE STALLS

Huh? See, I got it.

-What?

-You was driving on a stop sign.

So what? There's nobody around.

But when it is a stop sign, it means full stop.

OK, drive to right now.

I've got some stuff I got to do up in Sjusjoen.

Stuff?

We're just driving around anyway, so what the fuck?

Go ahead.

CAR HORN BEEPS

-Johnny Henriksen.

-Ja?

I got a little business to discuss, if you got a minute.

Business?

Yeah, you know, I'm here on behalf of some friends.

We want to buy the place. It's a generous offer.

It's not for sale.

Look, friend, this project's going to happen.

It's going to happen the easy way or it's going to happen the hard way.

-SARCASTICALLY:

-Ooh!

-Is this a threat?

-Just a little friendly advice.

I'm not interested.

"You have to be the change you want to see in the world."

Yeah, well, remember what Confucius said.

"A man who pass on generous offer

"often wind up with an umbrella up his ass."

KNOCK AT DOOR

Fucking hell.

OK now, let's not go all Blackwater here.

We're just sending him a message.

I got it, I got it, boss. I got it.

Just mess the place up a little bit

so the tree-hugger knows we're not the kind of people you fuck with.

Yeah, I read you loud and clear, boss.

Now, make me proud. Go hit a home run.

Yeah. You fucking prick!

GATE CREAKS

WINDOW SMASHES

HE SCREAMS

Yeah, I got that, I got that.

Drive!

HE MUTTERS IN NORWEGIAN

PHONE RINGS

Siw? Siw?

PARTY HOOTERS BLARE

Hi!

We are having a birthday party now.

Have I mixed up the dates or something?

-Giovanni!

-My man!

I can come back another time.

Sounds great.

What do you say, gang, huh?

-Happy birthday, my friend.

-Thanks!

KIDS: Whoa!

Yeah, you like that? Whoa!

Yeah, yeah, enjoy it, you know.

Got a nice piece here.

DOORBELL RINGS

I just had it lying around. I didn't know it was so important.

Excuse me?

Do you speak English?

Yes. English, German and Esperanto.

Ah.

Well, listen up, Einstein.

It's not polite to disrespect other people's gifts,

especially when you're giving away trash you found in your backyard.

OK.

Maybe this isn't the right time or place, I just, uh...

I need to tell you. I, um...

Try and take it easy, try and take it easy.

EMBRIK YELLS LOUDLY

Oh, Madonna mia. I'll tell you one thing,

that's the reason why I never wanted to have kids.

So, er, what did you want to talk about?

-Hmm?

-You started to say something.

It wasn't anything important.

I hope, for your sake, that embryobrat's not staying over.

And he lives all the way up on that farm shop,

at Ringsaker, you know?

Mm, I know it.

Siw.

Siw!

DOOR SLAMS

I hope this means what I think it means.

Yeah, your partner told me where I could find you, so...

-You will have the money by Friday, my friend.

-OK, OK.

You're doing the right thing here.

By the way...

Oh, the kid's toy pistol, huh?

Yeah, I'll get it back to him.

All right.

Oh, by the way, what happened to Ghandi

and "be the change you want in the world" and all that?

We're busy.

Oh, yeah? Well, you might want to find room on the agenda for this.

I told you I would, didn't I?

THEY CHUCKLE

Johnny Henriksen, I love you!

Whoa, take it easy, now. Take it easy, big guy.

Easy? Do you know what this means?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Are there any special terms?

No, just got to make a deal with the new owner.

New owner?

Not exactly. Technically, he left it in my name

and I made the deposit, so I guess it's my property.

Yeah, yeah, the penthouse is still good.

But lately I've been getting a little concerned

about the environment.

So what do you want?

Well, for instance,

if I was to be made a partner in the Belleview project,

I suppose that would alleviate my environmental concerns.

Oh!

We go way back. Winter sports.

OK. That's nice.

-Penthouse turned out good.

-Oh, thank you. Glad you liked it.

-Yeah.

By the way, are you sure he's not too - how can I put this? -

thirsty for the job?

Well, he's a party guy but he can sell camel shit to the Arabs.

He gets the job done.

Here you go.

OK, cheers.

Cheers. To camel shit.

To camel shit.

OK.

Hello, hello, hello!

So, Mr Driving Instructor,

call me crazy, but it looks like your wife wanted a condo?

I could make it happen.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm one of the owners.

I can get you a great deal. Just need a little something in return.

A little something...?

Yeah, a little laminated something that says I can drive in Norway.

The book, the book.

Always the book.

You think that pretty little wife of yours cares about the book?

OK, if you can give me a good deal,

a very good deal,

I can talk to a kompis at Biltilsynet.

You got it.

Oh, Jesus Christ...

-Hey, doll.

-Hi.

Yeah, sure.

Alpha to Bravo.

'Alpha to Bravo.'

SHE GIGGLES

RADIO HUMS, TURNS TO STATIC

Is Jonas here?

Good, I wanted to give this back to him, you know.

Get off me, you lunatic! It's a toy!

Oh, yeah, right!

Stopp, stopp, stopp, stopp!

-It's all right.

-Do you want some tea?

-Yeah.

You know, actually, you got any aspirin?

It's in my purse.

Purse.

# If it's love that you want

# Baby, you've got it. #

Yeah, I really think we need to talk.

# But I've been watching you

# And I don't think that's your game

# Boy, there's no need to explain

# Any way that you want me

# Any way that you take me

# Any way that you'll make me be a part of you. #