Episode 1 Lip Service

This programme contains some strong language

and some scenes of a sexual nature.

Yeah. Eyes to me.

-Yeah, that's good.

-So, how long have you been in the States?

Two years.

-Why do you move here?

-Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Keep it to me.

So you're from London?

Yeah, but I moved to Glasgow when I was eleven.

-My boyfriend's family's from Europe.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. We're getting hitched.

My manager wanted us to do this lame rock wedding thing

but we thought we'd sneak up to Vegas and do it Chapel of Love style.

Sounds great(!)

Can I just...

Yeah.

He's a great guy too.

Looks like a real hard man, but he's a total softy.

And how long have you been into women?

I didn't say I was.

You don't have to.

They'll be wanting us out of here.

MOBILE RINGS

Better tell them we're still busy.

Yeah?

Karen!

When?

I see...

Um... I'm working right now.

Can I get you on this number in a couple of hours?

OK, bye.

Are you OK?

My aunt just died.

I'm so sorry, were you close?

My uncle and aunt brought me up after my parents died.

God, I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

The way I see it, one family member down, two to go. Now, where were we?

MUSIC: "I Fought the Angels" by The Delgados.

ANSWERPHONE: 'You have three new messages

'Message one.'

Hey, Frankie! Al here. Where are you? I've been

calling your cell for days. Are you out chasing tail again?

You outrageous tart.

Call me.

'Message two.'

This is a message for Ms Alan regarding the outstanding payment on your credit card.

Can you call us to discuss. Thank you.

'Message three.'

This is your Aunty Carol here.

Francesca I'm, I'm...

I need you to come home.

There's something I want...

I need to tell you face to face. I hope you'll forgive me.

'You have no more messages.'

Cigarette?

-All right, gorgeous?! How much?

-Hello!

-So the flight sucked?

-Yeah, well, it would've been fine

if the guy next to me hadn't got to chatting about his kids.

See when that happens I just zone out and stare at the air hostesses.

I have this fantasy about stripping their clothes off and taking them up the aisle.

Jay, you have fantasies about everyone except your own mum and sister.

That is not true.

My sister's quite hot.

Are you all right, by the way?

-You know, about your aunt.

-I haven't spoken to her in ten years so what's the difference?

I've been needing a break from New York so this was the perfect excuse.

I was thinking about popping into the office later for lunch.

Lunch? No, I don't know if that's such a good idea. Um...

Cat's joined the firm.

-I suppose she's still angry with me?

-Well, you know, she doesn't really talk about you much these days.

Were you hoping to see her while you're over?

Um, maybe.

You haven't told her about my aunt?

No! Look, I haven't told her you're over. I'm keeping well out of this.

Good.

Cat, look...

This is Chloe's Facebook picture.

And this is the picture I took of her at your birthday party.

-One and the same!

-Tess, I just need to...

-She dumps me and then the bitch

uses a sexy photo I took of her as her Facebook picture.

Is it just me or is that criminal?

-It might just be you.

-She wasn't even on Facebook. She's...

probably only on there to lure some new girlfriend in to her lair.

She is history...

They can take her away and incinerate her for all I care!

-That's my laundry basket.

-Good! She could do with a wash, filthy trollop.

I'm on Gaydar. The cop just asked me for a drink tonight.

Jesus. Bury the headline!

-Why didn't you say?

-I was trying to. I need to get back to her.

Do you think I should have more time to prepare?

It's a date, not the Miss Gay UK pageant. I thought you liked her.

I do which is why I want to make sure I'm ready.

Frankie was two years ago, how much more ready can you be?

She's pretty, she's butch, she's a cop. She's all your fantasies rolled in to one.

But my bedroom's a tip. What if I want to bring her back?

And that tea stain on the carpet...

Yeah, well, Romeo was nuts for Juliet till he saw the tea stain on her carpet.

You need to move on.

You're going. Tonight. OK?

Tess!

Can you take Chloe out of the laundry basket?

It's the second floor.

Why don't we go out on the piss and catch up?

You can meet Becky.

Yeah, all right.

I borrowed the skirt off Cat.

- Yeah, you look great. - No, I look rubbish!

How does your sister carry this off?

Maybe it just looks better on a control freak.

Is he slacking again?

No. I'm engaged in the very important task of helping Tess choose an audition outfit.

I wouldn't take his advice, I'm the only one with style in our family. Good luck!

I'm off to work. See ya!

This is a disaster. I've got exactly one hour to find an

audition outfit and I don't even know what a face cream expert looks like.

Hopeless anyway. I'm going to be surrounded

by a bunch of girlie straight women who actually use face cream.

Why did I have to find out about her Facebook picture today

on the one day I could get a job and sort my life out?

- Do you think she's gone on there to pull? - No.

Everyone's on Facebook.

Well, that's why you joined though...

I'm so desperate going to the dentist is a pulling opportunity.

You're kind and funny, women should be queuing up.

Women of my age don't want impoverished, would-be novelists.

They want rich, attractive James Bond types who

wrestle sharks and eat steak raw. - You are attractive.

Really?

You've never said I'm attractive before.

I am a lesbian so I'm not sure it counts.

I've got the perfect dress but I left it at Chloe's when I moved out.

Sod it, I'm going to go round there and get it.

- Are you sure that's a good idea? - Yeah, why not? She'll be at work.

Come on. I'm not letting her ruin this along with everything else.

I can't go on my own.

Please...

(SOBBING)

Shit.

Come on, we're going to be late!

- Here we go. - Not that way.

Where are you going?

- This way! - Tess!

Tess...

Tess...

I had to give my keys back but the bedroom window's got a faulty catch.

If you jiggle the frame you can get it open.

- What?! - Can you help me up?

You didn't say anything about breaking in.

Well, it's no big deal.

We did it all the time when we lost our keys.

We're technically burglars.

You can't burgle something that belongs to you.

- No! - I thought you said you wanted to be like James Bond.

James Bond would help me up.

I was looking for you earlier. They said you took the morning off.

Oh, yeah... I was at the, er...

doctors.

Phew! Have you checked out Alistair's new PA?

She's got this whole mysterious thing going on.

That's what men say when they haven't seen a woman naked yet. Anyway, you've got a girlfriend.

I'm only looking.

I'm relying on my single friends for vicarious kicks.

A little bird tells me you've got a date with a hot cop.

-I'm going to kill Tess.

-Come on, it's exciting.

-I thought the whole cop thing was getting you going.

-I know.

I'm not cut out for this whole blind dating thing.

Just got to go with the flow.

Enjoy the spontaneity!

Actually, scrub that, you'll never manage it. How about I go instead?

She'd be welcome to take down my particulars.

Are you OK?

Cat?

I've just got to... toilet.

Cat?!

I was only messing about.

Can you hurry up? You're pretty heavy.

- Are you saying I'm fat? - You're dislocating my shoulder.

Ah, got it!

Oops! Ready?

Yeah...

Right. This way...

There's another wardrobe in the living room.

- It's red silk, mid-length. - OK.

I can't find it. I don't think it's going to be in there.

- Are you OK? - Chloe doesn't wear contact lenses.

Well, maybe she does now.

And she isn't a D cup either.

Do you think she's seeing someone else?

No. She's probably just got a friend staying.

DOOR OPENS, CHATTER >

I thought you said she was at work?

She should be.

Shit. Hide.

Don't be ridiculous, we'll have to tell her we're here.

- We can't, we broke in. - You said it wasn't a big deal Well, I lied!

Get under here or I'm going to have to kill you!

-So, did you clear it with your boss?

-No, I'll probably get a tongue lashing.

-Uh-uh.

Me first.

MOANING AND GROANING

Yeah... Mmm ah...

I'm not listening to this.

- I'm going to crawl out. - She'll see you!

- I'm going to miss my audition. - Too bad!

Tess!

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Oh, my God!

What the hell are you doing here?

I think she was under the bed!

I came to get my dress back.

Now I see why I couldn't find it.

And you just thought you'd hide under the bed.

-Have you gone mad?

-Hi.

-How the hell did you even get in here?

-Bedroom window.

I told you to fix the lock.

-Why? To stop you breaking in?

-What's going on?

I'm Chloe's ex. Who the hell are you?

-Shona.

-What? Not...

Not Shona who you got on so well with at Spanish class?

I refuse to get in to this when you shouldn't even be here.

Were you... were you seeing her before you finished with me?

-No!

-Maybe it'd be better to tell the truth.

-Just keep out of this.

-Oh, I'd get used to being bossed around if I were you.

- Tess, I think we should go.

-Yes, go!

-I'm not going anywhere till I get my dress back.

-I'll send it to you.

-I need it now.

-Are you sure you're OK?

-Yeah. Fine.

-Are you skiving off early?

-No, it's our last chance to

see the other designs for the university library bid.

It closes today, do you want to come?

No, no. I've got a lot on. What?!

I have!

I've got to check who's following me on Twitter.

Just say, "Jay Adams is a teenager trapped in the body of a man."

There's plenty of time to be a grown up when I'm old.

I hate to break it to you, but we are old.

If Alistair finds out you didn't go he won't be happy.

It's fine, I've got it covered.

You can tell me all about it and I'll pretend I did.

I'll see you tomorrow.

-Cat, I expect

-all

-the details on your date, right?

Not just the boring bits.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Good to see you too.

"How are you, Frankie? I'm fine thanks. You?"

I'm working.

Now's not a good time. I have to go to a... thing.

Well, mind if I walk with you?

I'll take that as a no.

-Going on a site visit?

-No.

Something interesting?

No, it's deathly dull, actually.

The council are displaying the designs for our library bid.

Jay wheedled his way out of it.

I don't blame him. That is fucking dull.

Unless you've got fit waitresses handing out canapes, that helps pass the time.

-Look, I'm sorry.

-What do you want, Frankie?

-To talk to you.

-And you didn't think to call first, ask if it was OK?

I thought you might say no.

So you went ahead and just turned up anyway?

Like I said, I can't talk now, I have to be somewhere.

Sorry.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Tess Roberts, I'm here to audition for Refresh face cream.

Right. OK.

Um, if someone calls me can you just tell them that I'm in the loo?

Yeah, that's fine, OK.

Shit...

Oh, no... oh, my God...

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Tess Roberts?

-Shit.

Tess Roberts due in audition now.

-Can I just leave my bag here?

-Yes.

-MAN:

-We're just casting now. A bit tedious.

Well, I'll see you after lunch.

-OK, Tess Roberts?

-Yeah.

-You've learnt your lines?

-Yes.

If you'd like to take a seat next to Sally.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-When you're ready, ladies,

take it from the top.

I just have such dry skin. Whatever I do it doesn't seem to make any difference.

Have you tried Refresh face cream?

Refresh has been scientifically proven...

Sorry, er, Trish?

-It's...

-Could you make sure you really punch up "refresh"

so you sound refreshed when you say it? OK?

Sally...

I just have such dry skin.

Whatever I do it doesn't seem to make any difference.

Have you tried Refresh face cream?

Refresh has been scientifically proven to retain moisture and alleviate parched, dry skin.

Sorry, Trish, it's great...

-great on "refresh", but could you sound more aggrieved at the prospect of really parched, dry skin.

-Yeah.

Um, Refresh has been scientifically proven to retain moisture

-and alleviate parched, dry skin.

-Bit more aggrieved than that.

Refresh has been scientifically proven

to retain moisture and alleviate parched, dry skin.

Sorry, Trish, you're sounding slightly more upset...

It's Tess, all right. My name's Tess!

You...

Sorry, um...

I'm sorry... I'm really sorry, I've, er...

Oh, it is... it is Tess. Tess.

Sorry, it's invite only, you can't go in till I've ticked your name off the list.

Jay Adams. Alistair Brice Associates.

Jay Brian Adams?

Yeah. Look, I get this all the time.

I was named after my grandfather. He died the day I was born.

Look, if you want to call my boss, Alistair Brice, and check, feel free.

Sorry. Can you... can you excuse me a minute?

Don't you know that it's illegal to stalk people?

-I can't talk to you now.

-I thought you might want this. Still losing things? See you.

Frankie!

Thanks. I... I didn't even know I'd lost it.

How did you even get in here?

I thought it was invite only.

I said I was Jay. Although it was a bit tricky.

Did you know his middle name is Brian?

Brian Adams?

Shit, he's kept that under wraps.

That bloke keeps staring at you.

Oh, Jesus he's a total pain. He keeps cornering me at events.

Well, you can't really blame him, you are looking incredibly hot.

Oh, is that why you left me, cos I looked so hot? Thanks for the wallet, I need to get back.

Don't go, let's...

-let's get out of here, yeah?

-I'm working.

Checking out library designs with a bunch of council pen-pushers?

What makes you think I'd prefer spending time with you?

We haven't seen each other in two years, so I thought...

That you'd just waltz back in here?

-Jesus, I just wanted a conversation, but you're so uptight.

-I'm not uptight!

What are you doing in Glasgow anyway?

Actually, I don't want to know.

I don't care what you do any more, Frankie, as long as you leave me alone.

You're sure she didn't tell you she was coming?

Cat, I'm as surprised as you are.

Frankie's hardly one for planning in advance, is she?

-Or giving a shit about other people.

-Yeah, that too.

-Shit!

Well, if she thinks we can be pals again, she can forget it.

Well, she must realise that's unlikely.

So, the cop...

do you think I should mention dinner once we've had a drink?

-Play it by ear.

-I should've suggested a gay bar.

It's just if we go somewhere sceney, we'll bump into ten people we know.

What if she wants to make a pass at me? She won't in some straight pub.

Shit, I've totally fucked things up and I'm not even there yet.

Well, you could rearrange for another night.

-You're the one who said I should go tonight!

-But that was before Frankie got you wound up.

I'm not wound up.

I'm not! I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine.

It's good I saw her and remembered what she's like.

We're too old to be dating fuck-ups.

Shit. I'm going to be late.

You don't think the heels and the dress are too much, do you?

If she was after some diesel dyke with a tattoo

she would have hardly gone for you!

Look, stop fussing and go! And try and have fun. OK?

OK...

Hi, can I have a large glass of dry white wine, please?

Anyway, Frankie, what the hell are you doing here?

And more to the point, why didn't you tell us you were coming?

It was a last-minute thing, I just needed to get away for a bit.

Well, it's bloody great to see you.

I say we drink to Frankie's return.

-Yeah!

-And here is to Chloe being out of Tess's life.

-She was a total pain in the arse.

-I'll second that.

Sorry, but she was a bit of a nightmare.

Uh-uh. Never bitch about the ex, in case there's a lesurrection!

No chance. You're right.

I spent five years being walked all over by that selfish bitch.

As of today I am moving on.

Tess Roberts is going out there and getting laid.

Been dusting off your amazing chat-up lines?

I can't chat people up.

I just... I do what most lesbians do, stare at

women hungrily and pray somebody else will make the first move.

Well, look aloof and uninterested and they probably will.

-What, like play hard to get?

-Yes.

-OK, I'll give it a whirl.

Loads of people will want to shag you. - Like who?

I'm sure there's somebody in this bar right now that's dying to get their hands on you.

Mmm, I think that hottie might be dying to get her hands on me.

-Jay!

-What? She keeps staring at me.

It's a gay bar, Jay, she's probably wondering why you're staring at her.

-And behave or I'm sending you home.

-Oi! Lesbians are such killjoys.

You'll be making me burn my bra and sing folk songs next.

Hi, I'm Becky, this Neanderthal's better half. You must be Frankie.

-Great to meet you finally.

-Likewise.

-What you all drinking?

- Oh... - I wouldn't mind another beer.

-MOBILE RINGS

-It's Cat.

Cat, hi.

She's not here yet. Do you think she's stood me up?

Why did you let me come? I'm too wound up for this.

I know I said that, but clearly I was talking rubbish.

OK, call me in half an hour and if she's a moose I'll make my excuses and leave.

Hi...

You're Cat?

Yes. Hang on, Tess.

I'm sorry I'm late. Can I get you another?

-Yes.

-Unless you want to make your excuses and leave?

Yes. I mean, yes, to another drink.

Not that I want to leave. Can I have a white wine, thanks?

Yes, one white wine coming up.

Shit, she's gorgeous and I've just made a complete tit of myself. OK.

I'm calming down. I'm completely calm.

GENERAL BAR CHATTER

- There you go. So, how's it going? - Oh, I don't know.

She just arrived when I was talking to her.

Cat's on a blind date with a cop.

Wouldn't have thought a cop was Cat's thing.

She's a gay cop - hardly going to be some baton-wielding thug.

Oh, what, cos you're gay that means you're right on, does it?

I'm going for a fag.

-Charming(!)

-Well, you were pretty tactless.

What? Oh, come on!

They broke up two years ago, and she dumped Cat.

It isn't a crime to finish with someone.

She persuaded Cat to leave her girlfriend for her and then got cold feet.

That's a crime in my book.

Well, if she messes Cat around again, she'll have me to deal with.

In a fist fight I think Frankie'd win!

- What? - How was Cat when she saw her? - I don't know if

going on a date was such a good idea.

She's probably interviewing her as we speak.

She did go armed with a list of questions to ask.

So, how do you like being in the police?

-So how do you like being in the police?

-Yeah, I love it.

It's really interesting work. My dad's a policeman,

-we're really close.

-I had my purse stolen once and the policeman was great.

Not what you'd expect at all.

-What was it you expected?

-Well, you know.

Some people think the police are power-hungry homophobes who get their kicks beating up suspects.

Obviously I don't think that, and clearly you're not like that.

Well, I, um... I try to only beat up suspects twice a week tops.

And then I always use a bag of oranges so it doesn't leave any marks.

-I'm joking.

-Right.

Right! Actually, when I had my purse stolen it was me that wanted to punch the guy.

Not that I'm usually violent.

I wanted to kill my ex-girlfriend today...

Um, we broke up ages ago, I'm not still hung up on her.

She just turned up unexpectedly.

Today.

Sorry, it's work...

DS Murray.

Right, I see... No, that's fine, I'll be with you as soon as I can.

OK, bye.

-I'm sorry, but there's been a big breakthrough on the case, and I have to go in straightaway.

-OK.

Well, maybe we could do this again some time?

Yeah. I gotta dash, I'll catch you later.

OK.

How come Becky had to leave?

She's got a shift at six thirty.

I'm sorry if she was a bit tactless earlier on, you know, about Cat.

She wasn't,

it isn't like I expected her to stay single.

So is it serious with you and Becky?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

It's been two years.

We're looking for a flat together, you know.

Who'd have thought someone would finally tame the sex beast that is Jay Adams.

-Jay Brian Adams?

-When I find out who told you that, they're dead.

So, what about you? Have you

got a "special friend" in New York, or...?

I've never been very good at the special friend thing.

-But you're still Betty Both-ways?

-What's it to you?

I'm just making friendly conversation.

Men come in handy occasionally when there isn't a woman around.

Does Becky know you're a total snatch hound?

I am not... any more.

I'm... I'm not!

Look, I haven't slept with anyone else

in a year. Right? She caught me once, said that if it happened again it was over.

So I haven't.

Christ, you'll be playing golf and buying a barbecue next.

Fuck off!

No. Honestly, I think it's admirable.

Sleeping with the same person again and again,

never getting to see anyone else naked, except by accident.

-Here you go.

-Ah, thank you.

Right. Last person to down theirs gives Ed a blow job.

-OK. Who have I got?

-Right, who was it?

- It was me or... - Jay!

No way!

Who says dreams don't come true? Yesterday I find out my ex is

cheating on me, today I'm dressed as a fizzy drink.

At least tights are designed for women.

I might never have children.

Why would you want them? Hi! Hello.

At this rate I won't get the chance.

My grandparents have a better sex life than I do.

Don't be silly, they don't have sex.

My granny told me. Twice a week, apparently.

- Really? - Yeah.

I can't decide if I think it's sweet or I need to lobotomize the bit of my brain that heard that.

- Have you checked out Lou Foster? - Who?

The uber-babe over there. Presents Afternoons With Lou And Tom.

- I don't watch it.

- I just thought she might be your type.

Well, she's everyone's type, but she's clearly straight,

and even if she wasn't, I have the repelling stench of dumped and desperate about me.

Don't be silly, you're gorge...

I mean you're a real catch.

Thanks. You don't have to say that.

I need a wee. Try not to eat too many sweets while I'm gone, you don't want to add to your muffin top.

Do you want a drink? No...

Thanks to Frankie my date was a disaster. You could've bloody warned me!

Maybe you should cut her some slack.

And why the hell should I do that?

I'm not supposed to tell you, but her aunt died, right?

That's why she's over.

-Oh, God...

-It's all right, it's OK.

-As it happens she doesn't seem that bothered.

-But don't tell me she got blind drunk last night?

We had a few, yeah.

What? What have I done now?

What do you think Frankie's going to do?

Her aunt was the only mother she had!

Well, how was I supposed to know?

What do you care, I thought you hated her.

Where is she?

< SOBBING

-Are you OK?

-Oh! God, this is so embarrassing. I didn't know anyone was in here.

It isn't, honestly. I cry in inappropriate places all the time.

-I burst into tears in an audition yesterday.

-Really?

-Yeah!

At least I don't have to wait by the phone to see if I got the job.

I'm sorry,

I'm not usually like this.

My boyfriend dumped me.

The bastard decided to stay with the wife that he was "definitely separating from".

-Men are such pigs.

-Believe me, women aren't much better.

My ex was two-timing me with the woman she left me for, so...

Oh, I should get back.

ME and my friend Ed are by the drinks stand.

If you need cheering up or you get bored, come and hang out.

Thanks. Um...

Tess.

-You won't tell anyone I was...

-No, I won't say a word. See you later.

I'm here to see Mrs Alan.

If you just go down this corridor, it's the fourth door to your right. If you could just sign in.

Thanks. I like your tattoo.

What does it mean?

It's the Japanese symbol for lust.

Well, if there's anything else I can help you with, just let me know.

I'll bear that in mind.

Taxi!

Why would anyone dump her?

Well, I find it comforting to know that you can be that gorgeous

- and still get shat on. - Yeah.

- You could be in there. - I always get that lucky.

Hi! I just thought I'd take you up on your offer.

-I need some respite from screaming kids.

-Great, the more the merrier.

Lou, this is my friend Ed.

-Hi.

-Hi. Nice to meet you. How are you doing?

-Come round the back with us if you want.

-Thanks.

We could even arrange for one of these fabulously unflattering outfits for you.

It's not so bad, shows off your great legs.

Oh, thanks. I grew them myself.

You're really funny.

Ed really likes your show.

-Yeah. I loved the interview you did with Derren Brown.

-Oh, thanks.

-So, you're an actress, then?

-Er, yeah.

Believe it or not, dressing up as a fizzy drink isn't my real vocation.

Oh, no, I can imagine you on stage.

You have that sort of... I don't know, presence about you.

Sadly I only ever imagine myself on stage too.

Lou? Can I have you over here a minute?

Oh, shit, they've spotted me. I better go.

-But I'll... I'll see you later.

-Yeah.

Nice to have met you.

Bye.

God, Frankie's advice obviously worked.

I didn't do anything.

- Exactly and you were in there. - Ed!

Tess. You never notice when people like you.

No lesbian would ever wear that cardigan.

And what people?

Just people, generally.

And her.

- You're an idiot!

< I didn't expect to see you here.

Well, I was in the area and I saw the funeral home and I thought I wonder if anyone I know has died.

I called her.

She's my cousin, she had a right to know.

Well, then it's a shame you didn't turn up sooner,

spend some time with your aunt before she died.

No-one told me she was dying.

We didn't know where you were.

-You didn't want to know us any more.

-And you wanted to know me?

Contrary to what you think, Frankie, your aunt and I only ever wanted the best for you.

Anyway, I haven't come here to argue. If that's what you want then I suggest you leave.

-Aunt Carol wanted to tell me something before she died, do you know what it was?

-You spoke to her?

No, she left a message, but she said it was important.

Your aunt was in a lot of pain toward the end.

-She often wasn't lucid.

-She sounded...

If she had anything to say to you, she'd have told me.

Hi. I wonder if you can help me.

I'm looking for a blonde woman, twenties, tattoo?

She's still here. Can you sign in, please.

Don't you know it's illegal to stalk people?

Jay told me about your aunt.

What do you care?

OK, you can be nice or I can leave. Your choice.

Come on.

I'm thinking curry and a large vat of wine.

I'm liking your thinking.

Hey, er, Tess!

-Hang on! Sorry, I was just wondering if you fancied a drink?

-OK! Um, well,

-Ed and I were just going to get one if you want to join?

-Oh, oh...

I've just remembered I have to give... Cat that thing back.

What thing?

Oh, that thing... OK, well, if you're sure?

-Yeah. You two have fun though.

-Bye.

-OK. Cool.

-So? Where do you want to go?

Um... Ah, there's...

OK, I know a bar...

I'm sorry, Frankie.

I know you used to be close.

I always liked her.

Well, she was the only bearable member of the clan.

She liked you, too.

Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to come to the funeral.

-If you don't want to, it's...

-No, it's OK,

I'd like to come.

I can't believe we're burying her and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

And you have no idea what she wanted to tell you?

I asked my uncle and he said he didn't know.

She was too terrified to breathe in case it pissed him off.

Whatever it was, she was too scared to tell him.

Imagine feeling like that.

Yeah, I know.

He was nicer to the dog than he was to her.

Do you remember that time we got the munchies and ate all his posh birthday biscuits.

I said the dog had eaten them.

Wasn't that the first time we got stoned?

Ed kept hanging around and we had to get rid of him in case he told on us.

How old were you?

Fourteen.

I thought you were so cool cos you were older than me.

I thought you were wild and dangerous cos you had drugs.

-You were such a chicken, you kept thinking the neighbours would smell it and call the police.

-I did not!

Yeah, you did! You kept saying, do you think we'll do time for this?

And then you came up holding that box of biscuits with a stupid grin on your face.

I had to rip up the packet and stick it in the dog basket!

Oh, God, it's good to see you.

-I really missed you.

-I missed you too.

You never even told me you were going, Frankie.

I called you.

Three weeks later from New York.

Do you have any idea...

I should go.

Oh, no, come on. Don't go.

No, I have to get back. I've got plans.

-Maybe another time?

-Yeah, maybe.

Oh, wait a minute, I know where I've seen you before.

Casualty. A few weeks ago.

You fell in love with your son's sick PE teacher.

That really wasn't my finest hour.

You were great when they turned off the life support and you were pleading not to.

-I thought you were really moving. I bet you get your big break soon.

-I don't know about that.

I'm really sorry, I have to confess I...

-I haven't seen Afternoons With Lou And Tom.

-That's fine.

It's not really what I want to do.

I'd like to get into something a bit more serious.

Do you want... do you want another drink?

Yeah or, um... We...

We could always go back to mine...

cos I live near here, so... If you wanted to do that?

Yeah, OK...

-If you're sure?

-Absolutely.

I've thought of something you can help me with.

You don't have a cigarette, do you?

-Sorry, I gave up.

-Yeah. Me too.

Oh!

-You OK, hen?

-I can't find my purse.

I can't talk to you right now, I've got someone here.

That's none of your business.

Look, like I said, I've got to go.

I have to entertain my guest.

Whatever.

Are you sticking with white?

Yeah. Great. Thanks. Ah! Is this one of these talking robots?

Yeah, a friend of mine gave it to me.

ROBOT: 'Commence invasion! Engage target. Annihilate!'

I love these things!

'Annihilate!'

Does it say anything else?

'Commence invasion. Engage target...'

Oh!

I've wanted to kiss a woman forever.

-And you're gorgeous.

-Oh, sorry.

-It's OK, don't worry about it.

-ROBOT: Annihilate!

ROBOT BEEPS

TOY SMASHES

That should do it!

Hello?

Shit. Hello?

Hello?

FRENETIC BREATHING

Oh, yeah! Go on...

Ah! Oh, yeah!

Ah!

I bet he thinks he's died and gone to heaven.

Ah, yeah!

MOANING CONTINUES

Are you OK?

Yeah, I just gotta go.

Well, can I have your number?

Take it from me, you really don't want it.

You haven't been written out of history like I have.

Outside now!

Tess, you wouldn't be able to tell anyone about us.

Jesus! What the fuck are you doing?!

-I was a nightmare date, and it isn't a crime not to fancy someone.

-I never said I didn't fancy you.

You're not seriously interested in a cop, are you?

So you know I'm going on a date?

But you thought you'd just turn up anyway?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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