Episode 2 Lip Service

-My aunt died.

-"It's Auntie Carol. Come home.

"There's something I need to tell you face to face."

-We haven't seen each other in two years, I thought...

-You'd waltz back in and everything would be OK?

-Why are you in Glasgow?

-Frankie was two years ago. How much more ready can you be?

Hi. You're Cat.

I'm really sorry, I've got to dash. I'll catch you later?

-Carol wanted to tell me something. Do you know what?

-If she had anything to say to you, she'd have told me.

Have you checked out Lou Foster yet? Presents Afternoons with Lou and Tom.

-Thought she'd be your type.

-She's everyone's type, but straight.

I've wanted to kiss a woman forever. And you're gorgeous.

-I really missed you.

-I really missed you, too.

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE & SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE

ECSTATIC MOANING

-Right about...

-SHE MOANS

SHE MOANS

So, how did you get to be so good at that?

Er, I took classes at the local education college.

SHE LAUGHS

Shit. I've got to get to the studio. Sorry.

So, then, what are you up to today?

Er...usual hectic timetable.

Dole office followed by a bit of lunchtime telly,

-maybe an afternoon nap.

-Still no word from your agent?

-No.

-I'm beginning to think I should just quit, try my hand at something else.

-Don't say that. Things will pick up.

Actually, I was thinking, you know you mentioned two runners had dropped out of your show?

Oh, you wouldn't want to do that. It's really shitty work.

-You've got such a busy schedule, we'd get to spend more time together.

-Erm...

-I'll put a word in with the production manager.

-OK.

Tess, look, you wouldn't be able to tell anyone about us.

-No. God, I completely understand. I'd say we were just friends.

-Great.

SHE LOCKS THE DOOR

SHOWER RUNS

VIBRATOR BUZZES

# This is my home

# The place where I'm lonely

# This is my home

# The place where I'm lonely

# Ghost...is...not...real

# This is my home

# The one and sweet home

# Ghost...is...not...real

# This is my home...

-Morning!

-Tess, why is there a pair of dirty socks under the kitchen table?

Er, they made a break for freedom

-and escaped from the washing machine.

-I don't mean to seem rude, but can you put things away?

-This has been here so long, it's virtually an installation!

-Look at me, putting them away. There you go.

Look, you don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to. You don't owe Frankie anything.

It's her aunt's funeral and I want to be a grown-up about this.

I've avoided her long enough. If I want to move on,

I need to be able to be around her without it doing my head in. How was your night?

Let's just say I didn't get much sleep.

-Has she gone down on you yet?

-Look, it's her first time with a woman. She's bound to be anxious.

-Doesn't make her straight.

-So she's a total pillow princess and you're putting in all the elbow grease.

Well, at least I'm not sitting round moping about Chloe anymore.

And she's trying to get me a job at her show,

-so she's obviously not that uptight about us.

-She's going to tell people she's seeing you?

-No. But...

Why don't you ask her to dinner with Ed and me? Something low-key, coax her out of the closet.

Good idea. Maybe I will.

CAMERA CLICKS

We're going to be late. It starts in half an hour.

It's not like my family can form a worse impression of me.

You are all right, aren't you? I mean, about going to this?

Yeah, fine, I liked your aunt. I'm happy to pay my respects.

-Nice outfit.

-What, this? I just drag it out of the cupboard for funerals and interviews.

I see you dressed for the occasion.

Well, I was going to wear the twinset and pearls but I thought better of it.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the production manager, Mark Simons?

Just down there. Short, stocky guy.

Fuck him! No, seriously, fuck him!

He should be paying me for staring at his great big fat fucking face!

Well, he can fuck off, then!

-Tell him from me, Mark said fuck off!

-Hi.

-Hang on, Jerry.

-I'm Tess Roberts. Lou Foster mentioned me about the runner's job.

-Yeah, I remember. The actress.

-That's what I've been doing but...

-Can you make tea?

-Yeah.

-Can you start today? I've had two idiots bail on me.

-Yeah.

-Great. See the production secretary.

Then find Jamie, the other runner. He'll show you the ropes.

Oh, and when you find that no-good son of mine, if he's listening to his iPod and reading magazines,

tell the lazy little shit to do some fucking work!

Sorry, Jerry.

Mostly people just ask you to get shit, like drinks and stuff.

But they always want it yesterday, cos it's live television

so they're always freaking out.

Ah, and you have to wear this.

So they know you're a runner.

May we who mourn be reunited one day with Carol.

Together, may we meet Jesus Christ when he who is our life...

You don't have to do this.

We read in the sacred scripture...

No, sod it. I'm here now.

..says the Lord,

inherit the kingdom prepared for you since the foundation of the world

in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord, Jesus Christ.

We commend to almighty God our sister, Carol,

and we commit her body to the ground, its resting place.

Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

The Lord bless her and keep her.

The Lord make his face to shine upon her

-and be gracious to her.

-Wait here.

-Frankie!

-The Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace.

-Can I have that, please?

-No.

Forget it!

LOW CHATTER

They always look like that.

-Brassy and vacuous. Bet he had that one on the go while she was dying.

-What does she see in him?

He can be quite charming when you first meet him. Takes a while to realise he's a piece of work.

Hi, Frankie. Cat. Thought it was you.

-How are you?

-I'm fine, thanks. I'm sorry about your mum.

She was always lovely to me.

Thanks. I thought it might be easier cos we knew she was ill for a long time before she died,

-but it doesn't really make any difference.

-How long?

-How long was she ill for, Karen?

-We didn't know where you were.

Found me when you wanted to, though, didn't you? Did he tell you not to contact me?

Frankie, don't. He's not like he is with you with me. We get on.

Yeah, I noticed. You haven't been written out of history like I have.

-I would've put pictures of you up, but we don't have them.

-He got rid of them?

No. She did. The album she made of you as a kid, it's gone.

She told the lawyer handling the will to send it to someone.

-Who the hell would want my photos?

-I don't know.

-Does he know where they are?

-No. I asked him and he doesn't.

Look, I really need to go and say hello to people.

See you later. OK?

MUFFLED VOICES

-No, this girl was saying...

-Hi.

-Oh! Hi.

-They said you wanted a coffee.

Thanks. I, er, didn't think they'd get you started so soon.

Well, Mark was stressed about losing the other runner, so...

Mark's generally stressed about something.

Sorry, erm, Tom, this is Tess.

-Hi.

-Tess is an old school friend and an actress. She's going to be doing a bit of running for the show

-while she's resting.

-Old school chums, eh? So, what was Lou like at school?

-I bet she was a bit of a heartbreaker.

-Don't be silly, Tom, I was no such thing.

-Come on!

-Tom, don't you have to get to makeup? We're on in an hour.

-Yes.

I'll leave you two to reminisce about the good old days. Nice to meet you, Tess.

I'll, er, see you later, alligator.

You two seem to get on well.

Oh, you're not jealous of Tom, are you?

He's sweet, but he looks like a potato.

-I couldn't blame him if he did fancy you.

-Tess! What are you doing?

-Sorry. The door was shut, I thought...

-You thought wrong!

-If someone came in, it'd be all over the studio in two minutes!

-I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

I guess I'll see you later.

-Erm, is it all right if I leave my bag here?

-Yeah, it's fine.

LOW CHATTER

Look at him. Doing the nice guy routine.

-Can't believe he didn't want me to know my aunt was ill.

-I'll get you a glass.

-I'm fine with this.

What? I won't be getting any inheritance. Might as well cash in.

-I think we should go now.

-You know, you are looking really good in that.

What are you doing?

Remember when we got these?

I never thought you'd go through with it.

-Frankie, stop.

-Come on, we're making their day.

I said stop!

Outside! Now!

What is wrong with you?

-We didn't bring you up to be like this!

-You did not bring me up at all!

I don't know why you bothered to come. She didn't love you, you know? Not like her own kid.

Even as a little girl, it was obvious you were damaged goods.

Fuck you!

Yep. No worries. I'm on it. Right, OK, the celebrity booker needs a latte

and a special macchiato and a decaf frappe cappuccino for her guests.

Oh, and Bob the cameraman wants a skinny cinnamon latte.

Right, I've got to get back, they probably need me on the floor.

Oh, shit. What was...

Excuse me, do you know where I'll find Bob the cameraman?

Over there, doll. He's the good-looking bastard with the blond hair.

-Can't miss him.

-OK. Thanks.

Excuse me. Coming through.

-So, how are things going with your girlfriend?

-Which one?

-THEY LAUGH

-Coming through.

-He said he was coming through. She didn't get out of the way.

-Jesus.

Jesus! What the fuck are you doing?

I was just trying to get Bob's coffee order.

Coffee? Do you know how much this is worth?

Thanks to you, I have to do a wedding cake feature without a cake!

Erm, I think the bottom tier's OK, actually.

Are you OK?

I went to live with him when I was three, I'm used to it.

That's doesn't make it all right.

He's hiding something from me, I know he is.

-Don't let him get to you. That's what he wants.

-What do you know?

I know what difficult families are like.

Oh, really? What did yours do? Cheat at Monopoly? Or send you to ballet classes?

I know you're upset.

I came here because I want to help and taking things out on me isn't going to make it better.

You're all so fucking reasonable, aren't you? What makes you think you're qualified to help anyone?

Do you know how much I missed you?

Now I wonder why I bothered.

-SHE LOCKS THE DOOR

-Are you OK?

-Erm, I just came to get my bag.

-You don't want to take any notice of what Mark says.

-He's like that with everyone.

-Yeah.

Come here.

-Come on.

-Oh, so this is OK now, is it?

It isn't just about me, it's about you, too.

If the tabloids got hold of this, you'd be miserable, too. Come on, don't be angry. I'm sorry.

How about... you come over to mine tonight

and...I can make it up to you.

Actually, I was thinking maybe you come to mine, have dinner with Ed and Cat. They'd love to meet you.

-Yeah, right, why not?

-Amazing.

Hi, Tess. Not great.

Bloody Frankie, that's what. I'd forgotten how totally impossible she is.

I'll tell you about it later.

Lou? Tonight?

No, no, that's fine. OK, I'll see you then. Bye.

Hey! Hey! Hey, give it back!

Give me...it back! Give me my phone!

-Hey!

-Stop hitting me! Argh! Stop hitting me!

This is bloody ridiculous! I'm the victim here! You can't genuinely be taking him seriously.

-The situation is this. Because he's saying you assaulted him...

-Assault?

I was trying to retrieve my mobile which he stole from me!

Is everything all right here?

We brought in a Peter McGuigan, sarge. He's alleging this lady assaulted him.

-She says she only hit him after he stole...

-There's no "she said" about it. He did steal my mobile.

-Why don't you two go and talk to Peter and I'll deal with this.

-Whatever you say, sarge.

-Are you OK?

-Oh, yeah. I love it when I'm the victim of a crime and then I get interrogated.

They didn't rough you up, did they? You know what the police are like.

Oh, you've come to gloat. It's not enough that some little shit steals from me, now you're laughing at me.

-Thought you might need my help. I can go...

-You have a habit of walking out.

-Only when people imply I'm a thug on the very first date.

-Look, for what it's worth,

I'd had a shit day, and I really liked you, so I got nervous and I messed things up. It's not a crime!

Just for the record, I don't usually behave like a freak!

-Apart from beating up minors?

-He stole my mobile!

Look, I know the boy. He's always on the rob, and mobiles are his speciality.

With his record, he isn't going to get very far with this assault story.

Oh, so I'm not going to be charged with anything?

Not unless you've got a history of violence.

My officers will just need to take a statement and then you're out of here.

Thanks for looking out for me. You don't have to do that.

Sorry about having a go earlier. I was a nightmare date.

And it isn't a crime not to fancy someone.

I never said I didn't fancy you.

How about another date tomorrow?

Wine's in the fridge, trifle's in the fridge, lasagne's ready in ten minutes.

Shit. I need to put the nuts on the trifle. Where are the nuts?

-Don't tell me I left my shopping in the supermarket again.

-That's a disaster.

If my girlfriend served me trifle with no nuts, ooh, that would be it.

Don't take the piss, I want it to be nice.

And don't call her my girlfriend. We're not at that stage. Damn it, where are they?

I love you, you're a genius.

-If you grumble about the mess, I'm going to call the police.

-Ha-ha.

So what was the argument with your uncle about?

I think we can safely say I'm a disappointment to him.

Which is good, because if he approved of me, I'd be really worried.

How did it go with Cat?

-Shit.

-Is that all I get? Shit?

What is this, on the coach with Jay Adams?

I'm bored of me. Tell me about you. How's the gripping world of architecture?

Great, yeah. I skived off this afternoon, went shopping.

Yeah, I can see you in these.

-It's a different look, but definitely good.

-Yes, yes. They're for Becky.

It's our two-year anniversary tomorrow.

-32C?

-Mm-hm.

-Nice.

Well, these are obviously her present for you. Did you get her anything?

-Jesus! I've never known you buy a woman a hamburger before!

-Becky's different.

Look at Jay, gone all romantic.

We should get you an Enrique Iglesias album.

Yeah, yeah, piss off.

Seriously, though, how come Becky's the one?

I don't know. She doesn't let me get away with any crap, for a start.

She can drink me under the table. She's smart.

I don't know. I'm just in love with her. You can't explain that, can you?

Go on, then, slay me. I know you want to.

No, I get it.

-So is this it, then? Marriage, kids, mortgage, all that?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Listen, I'm 30, right? I can't shag around forever.

-Ed, fingers!

-You realise you sound exactly like mum?

-We do have a real life celebrity coming. She doesn't want your dirty mess on her food.

-I'm not dirty.

-I haven't even pleasured myself today.

-Way, way too much information.

Well, I think we're going to way too much trouble for someone who won't even admit she's seeing Tess.

Oh! You're total heroes!

-How do I look?

-Gorgeous.

-Great.

Right, er, she's late. I'm going to put the lasagne on the table

-and then we can eat once she gets here.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

She probably can't find the flat.

Hi! Are you lost?

Oh, right. Right, OK. Erm...

Well, if you're sure...

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, bye.

Erm...

She's not coming.

-You're kidding?

-No, she said she's exhausted.

Oh, come on. Too exhausted to eat a bit of dinner? That's totally lame.

Yeah, erm... Maybe I pushed her too hard, I don't know.

-Don't do that. That's what I did with Frankie, blamed myself for her crap behaviour.

-Lou isn't Frankie.

-Yeah, but...

-Just leave it, OK?

DOOR SLAMS

Karen, hi, it's Frankie. Yeah, I'm all right. I was wondering if you could remember the name

of the lawyer that's dealing with Auntie's will. Yeah.

-If the cop rings and you miss her call, she will leave a message.

-But you think she will ring?

-Not at eight in the morning. Not unless she's a stalker.

-I just want things to be easy this time.

Come on, what do you reckon? Afternoon? Just before she wants to meet?

-I really don't know, Cat.

-Sorry. Are you OK?

-Yeah, great!

My bright idea to mix business with pleasure is really working out.

-You going to talk to her about last night?

-I don't know what I'm going to do

and I'm really not in the mood for a lecture.

Where's my mobile?

WASHING MACHINE CLUNKS

Erm...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Look, I'm sorry about last night.

But I told you where I'm at right now and if you can't handle it,

-there's nothing I can do about it.

-It just would've been nice to have a bit of notice, that's all.

-Sorry.

I just didn't realise how I felt until I got home and I was just so tired, I needed an early night.

-Thinking of starting a family?

-What? Oh, no.

We're interviewing the author this afternoon. She's some bloody boring child psychologist.

Oh, I'm surprised to see you in one piece this morning. Bob drank so much he's called in sick.

-You could always dial 999.

-Ha-ha.

-Can I borrow your mobile?

-I swear, the devil sends these interns here to distract me.

No, they're sent here to learn, and I hired her so no leading her astray.

-You spoil all my fun.

-Mobile!

Send the cop my love.

-So, how can I help you?

-Apparently, my aunt asked you to send someone a photo album after she died.

-Yes, I remember.

-They sent me to fix the problem with the windows.

I'm with a client. I'll be out of the office later, you can do it then.

-Sorry, you were saying.

-The photo album. I want to know who she sent it to.

Your aunt was very explicit about not passing that information on.

But I'm her niece. She brought me up.

-It's my childhood photo album.

-That doesn't make any difference.

-She was my client and I'm legally obliged to respect her wishes.

-You're joking, right?

-I'm afraid not.

I can find someone to help you contest the will if you like.

-But that can be a lengthy procedure.

-And some rich twat lines their pockets?

Piss off. I'll find out some other way.

-Haven't you rung yet?

-I'm going to look like an idiot!

-Yesterday my mobile was stolen, today it's in the wash.

-Give me that.

-Wha... What are you doing? Jay!

-I need my phone back.

-You're going to be in here all day.

-No, no, no!

-Hi. Hi.

-Can I speak to Detective Sergeant Murray, please?

-Oh, God.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hi. It's Cat.

That's you, mate.

Hey. I want you to do me a favour.

Well, I don't even know you.

Well, I'd be very...very grateful.

I need a name and address.

Why do I always end up with women who treat me like shit?

Well, I'm not going to stand for it this time.

-Oh, I've got to go. Bye. Sorry, I was...

-Getting paid to chat to your mates, I can see that.

Look, the celebrity booker's sick. We need someone to get out to the airport and pick up Marie Chambers.

Her flight's delayed, so get a taxi ASAP and get her back here fast.

And no mistakes this time! Another fiasco like yesterday and you're out of a job.

Erm...

PHONE RINGS

"Hi, this is Cat. Leave me a message."

-Name's Annie Cawthorne. That's an address.

-Great. Thank you.

It's a pretty rough estate on the Southside.

-So what's this all about, anyway?

-Oh, just some boring family stuff.

-You wouldn't be interested.

-I might be.

Why don't you, er, tell me about it over a pint?

Sorry, can't. Places to go, people to see.

-But I thought you said that we were going...

-I said that I'd be very grateful. And I am. So thank you.

-Bitch.

-Tell me something I don't know.

I just really want it to go well this time. I'm hopeless at flirting.

I get nervous and then I get too heavy.

-Please, come on, Jay, you're great at this stuff.

-OK! OK.

Why not try asking her what's the most interesting thing she's ever done with her truncheon.

-Jay, I am serious.

-All right, I'm being serious now. General knowledge.

-What's the capital of Australia?

-I hate you. I really hate you.

-It's interesting!

Most people think it's Sydney. But it's not.

Marie...

Erm...

Excuse me. Are you... Are you Marie Chambers?

-Marie Chambers?

-Yes. I heard you the first time.

-Sorry.

-I'm not bloody deaf.

Ooh! Erm, are you OK? Are you OK? I'll just...

It's just this way. Just...

Oh! Wobbly lino. Somebody should do something about that.

DISTANT SIREN

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello?

Hello?

No, wait!

Wait! I just want to talk to you!

Hi, Mark, it's Tess again. Listen, I think....

Don't think! Just get her the fuck over here! We go live in 20 minutes!

"Hi, this is Cat. Leave me a message."

We're really late and you're on the air in, like, ten minutes.

Why don't you take a seat here?

And...erm... I'll go and see about the drink.

Marie? Erm...Dr Chambers?

-Shit. You are really late.

-SHE SNORES

-What's up with her?

-She's drunk! She can't go on.

-Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

-"Two minute call for Marie Chambers."

-What are we going to do?

-You do it.

-What?

-You're an actress. You do it.

It's only daytime telly. I was an ASBO teen on a difficult neighbours feature. It was fine!

Just...make some shit up. Or do you want to get the sack?

-Cos you so will.

-SHE SNORES

If they go live without a guest, Lou will fall apart.

"Marie Chambers due on set."

-Have you actually read this?

-Aye. Shite.

"VT due to end in ten, nine, eight,

"seven, six, five,

"four, three..."

-"OK, and Marie's all set. Let's go to introductions."

-Today's phone-in feature

is with Marie Chambers, the award-winning author of The Crucial Years - Your Child From 0 To 7.

I'm sure you're all dying to meet her. Come on in, Marie.

Marie's drunk. Trust me, I'll get you through.

Well, Marie, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

Tom and I are huge fans of your work and we're delighted you're here today.

-Thank you. I'm delighted to be here.

-"OK, Lou, we're running late, let's go to phone-in."

Right, I know loads of our viewers will want to talk to you. Shall we see who has the first question?

-We have Lyn from Balmedie on line one.

-Hi, Lyn.

-Hi, Lyn.

-Hi, Lyn.

-"Hi, Marie. My little boy is four months old

"but he still cries continuously through the night.

-"I was wondering what you'd suggest. We're getting desperate."

-Well...

I can imagine if someone kept me up all night, I'd be pretty desperate, too.

Unless they were hot, obviously. I mean a hot adult, not a baby.

Anyway, erm, what I would suggest is reading to him.

That should settle him. Has he heard Watership Down?

-"He's four months old."

-Yeah, well, advanced literature can be extremely stimulating to the young mind.

It's like people in comas, isn't it? They don't seem... like they're listening...

..but they are.

Anyway, thank you, Lyn. We've now got Joanne from Stromeferry.

-Hi, Joanne.

-"Hi, Marie. My son, Johnny, is seven and he's constantly acting out.

-"We've tried to give him reassurance but he's not getting any better."

-Well, it sounds like Johnny's

a bit of a handful. Some kids are just brats, aren't they, and there's not much you can do about it,

except maybe, er, boarding school. That would... Or a really scary nanny.

"OK, wrap it up! She's not Marie Chambers! Run the bloody makeup feature!"

Well, thank you, Marie. That was enlightening, but I'm afraid it's all we've got time for.

Now let's take a wee look at how Julianne got on with her makeover from earlier on.

Have you lost your mind?! What the fuck were you thinking?!

-Marie was drunk. I tried to tell you.

-Not bloody hard enough, obviously!

Jesus! Where did you come from?!

You're an imbecile. Get out. You're sacked!

I never want to see your face again!

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Someone's looking sharp.

Don't I always? I'm picking Becky up from work. It's our anniversary dinner and I am late.

-Help yourself to anything you want.

-Actually, I want Cat's new address.

-I was going to ask her about something.

-It's 92 McClure Street, but it's not the best night.

-She's on another date with that cop.

-Whatever. It can wait.

-Laters.

Hey. I, er, heard about what happened with Mark. I'm really sorry.

Sod it, I don't care about this stupid job. It was never going anywhere.

What I am upset about is you lying to me.

Well, hang on a second, I was tired but then...

So you thought you'd blow me out and make me look like a fool in front of all my friends?

It's one thing you saying I'm your school chum, it's a whole other thing you bullshitting me.

And by the way, I don't give a shit about what the tabloids say.

It's you who's the coward here, because that's what it comes down to, you're a complete coward.

LOU SOBS

Come on, don't cry.

No, you're right. I am a coward.

Look, I was going to come last night, I really was. I got ready and then I just bottled it.

I felt terrible, and that's why I went for a drink.

But if you're fed up with me, I'd understand.

I never said that.

It's OK.

-It's not like I'm perfect.

-SHE LAUGHS

-No, but you're very funny.

-It wasn't funny, it was lunatic.

-Well, you were a damn sight more interesting than she would've been.

Erm...

Look, Tess...

-..I do really like you, you know?

-I really like you, too.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Lou!

THEY LAUGH

-Lou, are you there?

-Shit!

-Want to come back to mine?

-Sure.

DOOR BUZZER

Can I come in?

-I tried to call.

-Oh. Tess put my mobile in the washing machine.

SHE LAUGHS

Er, I'm here because I wanted to ask you something.

-Do you remember my auntie ever talking about an Annie Cawthorne?

-Don't think so. Why?

It's a bit of a long story. Do you want to go for a drink? I owe you a pint after yesterday.

-Sorry, I can't, I'm going out.

-Oh, come on!

-I'm not being funny, but you're not seriously interested in a cop, are you?

-So you know I'm going on a date.

-But you thought you'd just turn up anyway.

-Like I said, I needed to ask you something.

I can't believe you. Shame you weren't ever this interested when you had my full attention.

Yeah, I should go. I'll fill you in another time.

Wait. Seeing as you're here, there's something I want to ask you.

Why did you do it, Frankie? Why did you get me to leave my girlfriend and then piss off to the States?

-I told you, I wasn't ready.

-Yeah, I remember.

Only you persuaded me, you pursued me.

So "I wasn't ready" doesn't really make sense.

-You weren't going to stay with her anyway.

-Ah, and that makes it OK, does it?

-I'm sorry.

For fucking me over or for being a fuck up? If you want company, go and shag that receptionist.

Or is she another one of your hit and runs? Anyway, like I said, I have to go out.

And yeah, I do want to date a cop. She's honest and kind. And that's what I'm after these days.

DOOR SHUTS

So, why architecture?

Well, I'm quite arty, so I like that about it.

And you need to be precise, so that's good.

I'm very tidy. I even iron my socks. I drive my flatmate mad.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, fine. Why?

You just seem a bit anxious, that's all.

Sorry. It's not you, I'm just... Dates make me nervous.

I'm bad at small talk, hopeless at flirting and I haven't been on one in a while, so I'm really rusty.

That's OK. I tried on four different outfits before I came out

-and then I nearly left the price tag in my shirt.

-How much did you cost?

£34.99. I'm very affordable. Almost a bargain.

Well, it looks great on you.

-The shirt.

-So you can flirt.

-That's not very advanced.

-Maybe you just need some more practice.

-Try me again.

-Great smile.

Yep, you're coming along very nicely.

So how come you haven't dated in a while?

I had a really bad breakup with someone, my best friend, in fact.

We got involved and it sort of crashed and burned.

The ex you'd run into the last time we had a drink.

But you're over it now?

Yep, I think I really am.

I'm fed up of making the same mistakes. I want to date someone well-adjusted for a change.

Sounds like a good plan. I should fix you up with someone.

# Crashing

# And crashing

# Crashing

# And crashing

# Picking up

# The glittering parcel

Actually, I'm...I'm really glad we're giving this another go.

That is such a relief, cos I'm bursting for the loo

and I was really worried you wouldn't be here when I got back.

-SHE LAUGHS

-I'm not going anywhere.

# Crashing and crashing

# Shouldn't do it

# Shouldn't do it

# Shouldn't do it

# Shouldn't do it

# I never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

# Never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

# The look of love

# Is a 20-20 vision converter

# The look of love

# Is a stone cold sucker's illusion

# God of magic

# God, you are magic

# So damn cold

TESS MOANS ECSTATICALLY

Turn over.

# The frost and the fire

# The fire and the frost

# The fire and the frost

# It's not the man

# It's not the man

# It's not the man, it's the sun

# And I never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

# No, I never had the patience

# For the lure of the west

Any good?

Nah. Horoscopes are bollocks, but I like them because I'm Scorpio.

Apparently, I'm mysterious and sexy.

If I was a Virgo, I'd probably hate them.

-What are you?

-Virgo. SHE LAUGHS

Sod it. Tact's never been my strong suit, but life's too short to get embarrassed, don't you think?

So do you often steal stuff?

Yeah, all the time. Although, I'm very ethical.

I only rob from the big chains and the rich.

-Sort of a modern-day Robin Hood?

-Ooh! I like that!

-Next time I get nicked, that's what I'm going to tell them.

-So is there a Maid Marian?

-What makes you think I don't fuck my merry men?

-Call is female intuition.

Nah. There's no Maid Marian.

I think she might cramp my style.

-I'm Sadie, by the way.

-Frankie.

FRANKIE LAUGHS

Nice pad.

Well, you weren't kidding when you said you were tidy.

Do you want a drink? I've got tea, coffee, beer, wine.

A beer. A beer would be great, thank you.

-Casing the joint?

-Nah. I'm just nosy.

-So does he rent or is it on a mortgage?

-What?

Sorry. I'm an estate agent.

I guess you must have to be quite brave doing your job.

-SHE LAUGHS

-No, not really.

I'm a DS, Detective Sergeant, so mostly I just sit behind a desk and get other people to be brave for me.

I remember when I first joined up and I was on the beat and I get a call to chase a suspect

so I'm running around, I'm trying to find him and then I suddenly thought,

"Shit, what am I going to do if I actually catch him?"

-So what do you do?

-I'm a photographer.

Oh. That's much more glamorous.

And did you catch him?

No. I stopped looking and hid behind some bushes.

But you still made detective.

Yeah, I guess I'm pretty good at lots of other things.

-I'm very photogenic. Do you want to take some snaps?

-I don't mix business with pleasure.

Were you hoping for stories of how big and butch I am?

Not really. I think, if you were genuinely fearless, it might be a bit intimidating.

You're right. Look at me, boring on about work.

So, what shall we do instead, I wonder?

-Fancy a fuck?

-Always.

I can be brave sometimes.

Yeah?

ECSTATIC MOANING

ECSTATIC MOANING

-MUFFLED MOANS

-Do you think they're ever going to stop?

Maybe we should make our own noise.

-Drown them out.

-Jay.

I've got to get up in five hours.

SHE SCREAMS AND MOANS

Shall I call you a cab?

I didn't bring any cash with me. Do you mind if I kip here?

Yeah, whatever.

MUFFLED VOICES

It's gone. It was in the bathroom. I put it back in its box.

It must be here. A necklace doesn't just go walkabout.

-It isn't cos I've looked everywhere.

-Who the hell could've taken it?

-Frankie wouldn't have touched it.

-She had someone here last night.

Morning.

Morning.

-I wouldn't take you for the tattoo type.

-Oh, I'm not really.

It wasn't my idea.

Whose was it?

No-one important.

Cat, this is Frankie. She'll be doing the photos for our brochure.

Something was sent here. A photo album sent to Annie Cawthorne.

Tell me why the hell you were there.

-I know this is huge for you, I know it is, but we're going to be fine.

-Yeah.

If I lose out on this job because of her, I swear to God!

-Who's that, then?

-It's Hayley, the fit intern.

-Is that her full title?

Got your attention, then?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd