Episode 3 Lip Service

This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

I'm not supposed to tell you, but her aunt died. That's why she's over.

Frankie, stop! I said stop!

Tom, this is Tess.

Tess is an old school friend.

It's her first time with a woman. She's bound to be a bit anxious.

Aunt Carol wanted to tell me something before she died.

If she had anything to say to you, she'd have told me.

No, wait! I just want to talk to you!

It's for Becky. It's our two-year anniversary tomorrow.

-I'm Sadie, by the way.

-Frankie.

A necklace doesn't just go walkabout. Who the hell could have taken it?

What time did you get in last night?

It must have been about...ten-ish.

It was about three, wasn't it?

I feel like shit.

Well, I'm on earlies from tomorrow, so I'll stay at my place tonight.

Don't do that, babe. I feel like I've hardly seen you lately.

Funny that, isn't it? >

-Is that a new top?

-Yeah. I got it to go with my necklace.

I'll see you later.

WOMAN MOANS

You do think they're noises of ecstasy, don't you?

I'd feel terrible if we found Tess bludgeoned to death.

It'd scupper my chances of promotion, for a start.

I'm going to be late if I don't get a move on. Shit, I am so under-prepared.

How can you say that? You've been working on this for ages.

You are so talented, just give yourself a bit of credit.

-Morning!

-How come you're up so early?

Embracing the day. Isn't it gorgeous?

-And that's all, is it? Just your innate lust for life.

-Lou stayed over last night.

-She didn't?(!)

-We always stay at hers. I think it's a real breakthrough, don't you?

-Huge.

-You're going to be adopting orphans next.

-Does Lou want a cuppa?

I'll just go and ask her.

It's like living with a toddler.

Who has lots of noisy sex.

-What's with all the photography CVs?

-We're looking for someone to do the new brochure at work.

Come off it!

Why not?!

Aside from the glaringly obvious issue of you and Cat, it's hardly New York avant-garde is it?

-Anyway, I thought you wanted to get back there as soon as possible.

-Yeah, all right, I get the hint.

What day is it today?

Please don't say it's Tuesday...

-Tuesday.

-Fuck! Fuck!

The elevation plans are complete, which my colleague Jay will show you when he gets here.

He shouldn't be too long.

Here's your Cassidy and Moore notes. They're waiting in there.

-I'll take these.

-Thanks.

You're a darling.

I'd tuck your shirt in too, if I were you.

DOOR OPENS

-I'm so sorry.

-Why don't you just take a seat and then we can get started.

Unforeseen disaster, I'm afraid.

One of the children...

It was amazing!

Went out, came back to mine early, went to bed, and then she did the...

-All right, we get the picture.

-The royal visit.

So did Cat get her best china out, then?

Oh, we didn't see her. She was in bed with Sam when we got in.

-Is that still on, is it?

-Yeah.

I've got high hopes, actually. She's great, isn't she?

Yeah, she's all right.

-You hate her.

-I do not!

-Yes, you do. That's your hating someone face.

It isn't, stop shit-stirring!

She's fine. I just think three's a crowd in that flat, that's all.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I can't put anything down without Cat sweeping it away five seconds later.

-She's like a bloody whirling dervish.

-Watch it, that's my sister you're bitching about.

I'm not slagging her off.

I'm just pointing out that she's very tidy. It's a compliment.

Well, why don't we get somewhere together?

-Are you staying?

-I thought I might stick around for a while.

Great! It'll be just like the old days.

And I might get to see Lou Foster in the buff.

Er, no, there will be no funny business like that. Ground rule number one.

Come on, share and share alike!

No!

Anyway...

Yeah, I should be going.

Where are you going?

I have things to see, people to do.

Can't sit around here all day, can we?

-Well, that went OK, didn't it?

-Save it, Jay.

Come on, there's no harm done.

You don't think it looks just a teeny bit bad to potential clients?

I've worked my arse off to get them in a room with us and you keep them waiting 45 minutes!

They were fine about it, when I mentioned the kids!

-Which you might have got away with if you hadn't smelt like a brewery.

-I'm sorry.

-I was out with Frankie last night. It won't happen again.

-Too bloody right.

-You knew how important this was.

-Hey.

-How did it go with Cassidy and Moore?

-Good. Really well, I think.

Oh, yeah, it's in the bag.

Excellent.

-Are you OK, Cat?

-Yeah, why?

-You just look a little worn out, that's all.

-I'm fine.

Can I borrow you for a few minutes? There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Wonderful portfolio.

Very edgy. I think she'll do an excellent job.

-Can she start straight away?

-Yeah. She's terribly enthusiastic.

Cat, this is Frankie.

Frankie'll be doing the photos for our new brochure.

Hi, Cat.

-Hi.

-I thought it'd be a good idea if you were to take Frankie on to site this afternoon.

Maybe you could familiarise yourself with our latest projects.

Can't wait.

Excellent.

PHONE RINGS

Good morning, Stenbridge Insurance.

Joe Klein? Certainly, sir.

Can I ask who's calling?

Please hold on a second, Mr Simpson.

Just putting you through now.

It's not a problem.

So how do you fancy having a wee go by yourself?

I think I'm ready.

Super. Now, we won't do a live call just yet, OK?

-So let's do a dry run first, shall we?

-Yeah. Best be on the safe side.

Exactly. Exactly.

Bring-bring, bring-bring.

Hello, Stenbridge Insurance.

It's "good morning, good afternoon and good evening," OK? Not "Hello".

-Sorry.

-It's not a problem, go again.

-Um, good morning, good afternoon or good evening.

-Exactly. OK.

Bring-bring, bring-bring.

Good morning, good afternoon. Oh, shit. Ah, sorry.

Shall we go from the top?

(Hey, thank you for earlier. You're a bloody life-saver.)

No worries.

-You're looking a bit better now.

-Was I that rough?

Not your usual debonair self, let's put it that way.

I don't know if debonair's the right description.

What are you playing at?!

What?

Frankie, our new photographer. I assume you put her forward?

-No!

-Oh, come off it, Jay.

How else did she find out about the job?

I... Shit, shit.

She saw the CVs. I warned her not to even think about it.

If she's been hired, it's over my head.

Well, I'm not going to rise to it.

I'm going to be totally professional, I'm just going to do my job.

Gosh, it's very open, isn't it?

Sorry. Do I sound like an idiot?

It's just, I've never been in a gay bar before.

Well, I have been in a gay bar, just not like this. Not as a...a...

-Gay woman?

-Aye.

Is this hidden enough? There's a broom cupboard over there if you feel too exposed.

Sorry. Look, I know this is a big deal for you.

Don't be. It's just a bar. I'm fine, really.

-You're not freaking out?

-Maybe just a little bit. Is that OK?

Course. I just thought you'd be curious

to see what dens of iniquity me and my sort fraternise in.

-We can absolutely go somewhere else.

-No, no! No, I like it. I do.

Watch it. That was very nearly a public display of affection.

When in Rome...

Sorry I'm late. I had to get out for a bit.

-I don't know how you stand it being cooped up in there all day.

-It's called having a job.

Yeah. He's a peculiar specimen, Alistair, isn't he?

Are you up to speed with what we're doing this afternoon?

-You point, I click.

-Any questions? Things you need to know?

I'm used to working with hysterical art directors,

I can manage a cavity wall and some concrete flooring.

CAMERA WHIRS AND CLICKS

You've done a brilliant job. It looks great.

We've exploited the vernacular window proportions with balconies to the courtyard,

so we need images of that for the brochure. Also we need to look at the sustainable design features...

What?

"Vernacular window proportions"?

Well, what else do you want me to say?

I'm just adjusting, that's all.

-To what?

-You.

In work mode.

I've never seen it before.

It's nice.

Any more architectural jargon you want to sling my way?

OK. Um, there's outside shots, obviously,

and a few to match the "before" photographs Alistair should have given you already.

-I'll be over there if you need anything.

-What, you're not staying with me?

This is much less fun than I imagined.

-This is work, Frankie.

-Yes, I know, Cat.

And when you've had your kicks, you'll go skipping back to New York.

Yeah, well, I'm not going back.

-What?

-Glasgow's my home.

I want to stay.

You're staying?

I have tried getting in touch with you, but you just keep blanking me.

Can't we just be friends?

We're not 12. Why would I want to be friends with you anyway?

My real friends want me to be happy.

I want you to be happy.

You don't. You're all about distractions, Frankie.

Anything that takes you away from having to deal with your own shit.

Can I ask you something?

-Go ahead.

-Um, how do you feel about,

um, coming back to mine, we could spend the day in bed,

-I could wear the new lingerie you bought for me...

-I can't.

I've got something on now, but, um...

I could always come round later, unless you've got plans?

It is Scrabble night, but I'm prepared to make the exception.

Great. Well, I'll see you later then.

Yeah, see you later.

Um, Lou!

I know... I know this is huge for you, I know it is, but...

it's going to be fine. We're going to be fine.

Yeah.

And I know it doesn't really compare, but I came out

when I was pissed as a fart at my mum's 50th birthday party.

It's not quite in the public eye, but still... Anyway, I'm waffling.

You're beautiful.

I'll see you tonight.

See you.

DOOR OPENS

-Hi.

-Hi.

Is Becky in bed?

Yeah. She said if you had a dog, your dinner would be in it.

And not to wake her up.

Shit. I got stuck with clients.

Is she really pissed off with me?

Yeah, but it's nothing a bit of grovelling tomorrow won't fix.

I'm getting pretty good at that.

You may be a crap boyfriend, but you're a fabulous friend.

What have I done?

It's what you're about to do. Come on!

Come on!

VACUUM CLEANER ON

VACUUM CLEANER OFF

Who are you and what have you done with Tess?

Lou's coming over.

Today she kissed me in public.

-This is, like, definitely happening, Cat. She's actually my girlfriend!

-OMG!

-Don't take the piss!

I'm allowed to be all girly.

I spent my teens fake squealing for spotty boys,

and now it's 100% genuine.

But you're nearly 30.

Stop being a killjoy!

We're having a romantic night in.

Posh nibbles and Prosecco, which is, in my book, practically civil partnership,

and the good news doesn't stop there...

-You're going to clean the bathroom too?

-Even better!

-I'm never going to mess the bathroom up ever again. I'm moving out!

-Isn't it a bit soon?

Not with Lou. Not yet anyway, no.

You've been so brilliant letting me stay here, Cat.

-And I know I'm a nightmare, messing everything up and getting in the way...

-You don't get in the way!

Yeah, yeah, but you need your own space, especially now you're with Sam. Which is totally fine.

And I mentioned it to Frankie today, and she's looking for somewhere too.

-You're moving in with Frankie?

-Yeah.

Is that all right?

I can't face moving in with a random.

Do you feel weird?

No.

No!

No, not at all.

No.

Cool...

I can't stay here forever, can I?

And I'll still be round all the time.

Yeah...yeah. You and Lou can have the living room to yourselves tonight.

-I'll stay out of your way.

-You don't have to do that.

Cat, you are OK, aren't you?

Course!

Jesus, Frankie, I know you have a knack for seeking out

the edgier nightspots in town, but this is taking the piss!

-Ten more minutes, then we'll go, all right?

-At least tell me what I'm here for!

-Back up.

-You're going to have to do better than that, all right?

Hey.

Wait, I just want to talk to you, just a few questions.

-Frankie...

-Who are you? Police or something?

-No.

Then what the fuck do you want?

Something was sent here. A photo album - pictures of me as a kid.

Sent to someone called Annie Cawthorne. Do you know her?

No. Never heard of her.

-But you do live here?

-No.

-Then what are you doing here?

-Frankie, will you just let the guy

-get on with whatever it is he's doing?

-Frankie?

Yeah.

Is that not a guy's name?

Francesca.

Yeah, well, you should say that then. That's a lot nicer.

So you haven't seen anything here for Annie Cawthorne?

No.

All right, thanks.

I'm sorry.

Do you guys smoke weed?

Just that, if you want to come in, I can sort youse out.

No, no, we're OK. Thanks.

Yeah, all right.

-Cheers.

-Cheers, mate.

So who lived here before, then?

How the fuck should I know?

It's derelict, so I deal from here.

And no-one else comes here?

There's a few smackheads from time to time, but...

I don't think there's going to be anyone interested in your wee baby photos.

Sit down if you want.

Sorry, mate. I didn't catch your name.

Er, I didn't say what it was.

OK, that'll be why, then(!)

I'm Jay.

Are you two together?

No, no, no. She's a lesbo.

Straight up?

I'm not saying anything. I'm not like one of these, what do you call it - a homophobic, er...

It doesn't...

Look, I've only got skunk and it's my last, so...

I mean, if you want some, you'll just have to share with me.

Great. OK, thanks.

Great. Let's see what you're made of.

I found these keys the last time I was here. Are they yours?

Never seen them before.

Can I use your toilet?

Yeah, it's upstairs.

First on the left.

It was only ever meant to be a temporary thing with Tess.

-I just didn't expect it to be so sudden.

-Are you all right?

Yeah! God, completely.

You are allowed to be pissed off.

-I'm not pissed off. Why would I be pissed off?

-All right. Just...

try to relax.

-OK. Sorry.

-Yeah?

It just feels like Frankie's needling her way into my life.

First work, now this...and it was her fault Jay was late this morning!

If I lose out on this job because of her, I swear to God...

Cat, you're really not into this, are you?

No! Yeah, I am! I am.

Go on. Carry on.

Yeah? Sure?

OK.

It's like that bloody film, Gaslight. I'm the one who ends up sounding mental.

I think it's work stress.

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine.

Sorry.

Ugh.

Can we just stick to pretentious bars from now on?

I am totally over squats.

Sure.

But thank you for coming, though.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I just felt a bit weird in that flat.

Made me feel like I was crawling with fleas.

-Are you going to tell me why the hell we were there, or...?

-No.

Ah, God!

-I'm going to feel like shit tomorrow.

-It is tomorrow.

Hey, babe, did we wake you up?

Yeah! I always sleep in my uniform(!)

Oh, you stink!

-I love you.

-What happened to dinner?

Baby, I'm so sorry.

I got caught up at work. I didn't...

-I didn't want to disturb you.

-See, that's what I love about you, Jay. You're just so thoughtful.

Frankie, I don't suppose you've had any joy tracking down my necklace, have you?

No. But I'll keep trying. Sorry.

If you wouldn't mind.

-What are you on about, "keep trying"? You haven't done anything!

-How do you know?

Because I know you, Frankie!

It's not that she didn't turn up, it's that she didn't bother to call.

-It's like I'm not even worth a phone call.

-Have you tried calling her?

I've got repetitive strain injury from calling her so much!

-Do you think I scared her off?

-No, I'm sure there's a decent explanation.

-Like an accident?

-Yeah.

-What?

-No! Like she's lost her phone or something.

She's got three. I've tried them all.

This is...this is so depressing.

How can you be depressed on a day like this? Look at it!

I do apologise, but when you're jobless and potentially relationship-less,

-it's hard to wake up happy, just because it's not pissing it down.

-Well, I'm in the same boat as you

and I'm not complaining.

I don't understand it, though. It's like everything's been going so well.

I licked her pussy five times the other night, and this is the thanks I get.

I mean...

-I'm so sorry.

Mrs Smith. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Got your attention then.

# She

# She

# She

# Could have been an astronaut

# But she's frightened of the callow robot

# I thought that she could cope

# Pushing the envelope here... #

SHE MOANS

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Alastair? Can I have a word, please?

-Yeah, of course.

It's...a bit delicate. Um, it's...

It's about Frankie.

We have a history.

-Go on.

-I feel

completely unprofessional bringing this to your attention, but

at the same time, I'd hate for it to affect my work.

I'm not saying anything negative about Frankie, she's a very good photographer.

Cat, don't worry.

I'll make sure you two don't have to work side by side.

And I'll be discreet.

Thank you.

I hope you don't think I'm being dramatic or...

When was the last time you had a holiday? Hmm?

-A break from work?

-Um...

You've been overdoing it lately.

You've really been putting yourself through the mill.

Listen, I've got this little cottage in Shetland.

It's nothing too palatial but it's got everything you need.

But more importantly it's right in the middle of nowhere.

It's perfect for a break.

You would be more than welcome to use it.

-Really?

-Mm. I get there whenever I can.

OK, thanks. Well, I'll have a word with my partner, Sam, and see if we can arrange a weekend.

I've never heard you mention him before.

How long's he been on the scene?

SHE and I have been seeing each other a few weeks now.

Early days.

Right, well, I hope you'll feel better about things.

-I'd better crack on.

-Of course.

Thanks again.

As cunning plans go, it wasn't quite my best.

Plan?

I thought the necklace was yours.

You could have just asked for my number.

Well, it's a bit more fun this way, though, don't you think?

SHE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

DIALLING TONE

ANSWERING MACHINE: 'Hi, it's Lou. You know what to do after the beep.'

Hi, it's me again.

Um, listen...

Are you OK? I'm sorry if I was too full-on yesterday, but...

I know you're really busy, but if you could just send me a text or...

I've got to go. OK, bye.

Company policy.

Personal calls are strictly prohibited

on reception, but I think I did run through that with you earlier.

Yeah. It was an emergency.

Then you inform me and you take an emergency break, making sure that you log it into the...?

-Emergency book.

-Precisely that.

How are you with coffees?

Great. Milk and two sugars, thanks.

Making them.

Yeah.

With the new procedure, we can ensure that all personal service agents

are able to effectively manage customer portfolios.

It's through utilising customer insight

and our business platform that we can create behaviour-triggered marketing programs.

If you'd like to turn to page two of your pack...

-You have got to help me.

-What have you done?

-Nothing.

That's the point. I have done absolutely nothing with my life.

Unlike Janet Cook, the biggest loser in my school,

who is upstairs barking orders at a room full of people.

-Not such a loser now, then.

-I mean,

that's karma, isn't it?

Have one of the girls who called you Crusty Cook behind your back become your servant 15 years later.

I'm going to have to pull a sickie.

I can't cope with this, not with the Lou crisis.

You're prepared to lose out on 200 quid to avoid losing face in front of a school geek?

-Yeah, absolutely!

-That is ridiculous.

Well, I'm having an awful time.

The receptionist is a complete bitch.

Or you could swap with me. You go on reception and I'll come down here.

You can't just chop and change willy nilly.

-Well, why not?

-You're the pretty receptionist.

I'm the post boy. Them's the rules.

-Sexist tosser.

-I didn't say they were my rules.

Oh, please! Just say I've got photosensitive eyes or something.

I don't know, flirt with her.

Oh, come on, you can do it.

They've got biscuits.

No!

How did you find that?

Only by searching the length and breadth of Glasgow. I thank you.

Out of the dog-house and into the love-nest.

I should have a shower first. You look like shit.

Hiya.

Who's that, then?

It's Hayley the fit intern.

-Is that her full title?

-She's been flirting with me non-stop.

-There's definite chemistry there.

-Yeah, in your dreams.

Not that I'd do anything about it, for obvious reasons.

-Number one being you're about 20 years too old for her.

-Piss off!

She doesn't fancy you, Jay. She's just trying to climb the ladder.

She doesn't flirt with Alistair.

Anyway, why wouldn't she fancy me?

She's young. It's like flirting with a teacher.

All I'm saying is, if I wanted it, I could get it.

Heavy night...

You still go out, then?

Easy, I'm only 29!

Have to knock it on the head soon, though. Can't be getting caned into your 30s.

-Look at Keith Richards.

-What?

He's about 70.

Yeah, but he's looked exactly the same for years.

I've been out every night this week.

Can you tell?

No.

When I hit 30, though, no way.

I see, I see. So there's a moral to this story, isn't there?

We should get as wasted as possible before it's too late.

Yeah, not quite what I meant.

All right, well, maybe not wasted but what about a bit of a buzz now and then?

Yeah, that's definitely allowed.

You're joking.

I try not to make a habit of it, but I am in dire need of a pick me up.

Come on!

Desperate times...

That is so kind of you, Moira.

Listen, my cousin is mentally ill, OK? So I've got first-hand experience.

You understand.

Yes.

Sorted. So if anyone asks, you've got severe agoraphobia

brought on by a breakdown since your last partner left you.

Brilliant!

Go on!

Hi. Can I get you anything?

A4 Jiffy?

There you go.

This is a first.

Snorting coke at work or being in a toilet cubicle with an impressionable young intern?

Ssh, ssh!

HE MOUTHS

# You caught

# My attention

# You, ooh

# You

# Ooh, ah-ha

# Ah-ha... #

Ladies first.

SHE SNORTS

# Ooh, I go on

# Ooh, still in my thoughts

# You, ooh, ooh

# You... #

-What's up?

-I...

-Hayley?

I feel a bit funny.

Funny? What do you mean? Hayley...?

What the fuck is this stuff?

It's just coke. Hayley...?

Oh, these are very good, aren't they, Cat?

-What about this one?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Yeah?

-Very talented, isn't she?

-She is, yeah.

-Where are you?

Maybe we should think about offering her something more permanent.

-Hayley?

-Which one are you in?

-Middle one.

-All right.

Jesus! What have you done?

I don't know what happened to her. It was just one line.

-Go. I'll call an ambulance.

-Ambulance?

I'll just clear my desk now, shall I?

Alistair cannot find out about this.

Yeah, but we can't leave her. Anything could be happening.

Let's just hang on a minute and see if she comes round.

Jesus, Hayley, come on!

That is not coke.

Oh, fuck.

It's ketamine!

Jesus, what else have you got in there?

Oh, look, she might be chewing the carpet for a few hours

-but at least she's not going to die.

-What are we going to do?

She's got to go home back to her flat.

And someone's got to look after her for a while.

No way. No, I have got family shit to deal with. It's important.

-I'm begging you.

-No!

Look, tell her to take the day off tomorrow, right? And ring me!

Let me know she's all right.

I owe you big time.

I bet you say that to all the presenters.

Only the very beautiful ones.

Oh, you're making me blush.

So you play a villain in the movie...

Hi. I don't know why you called Moira a bitch. She's hysterical.

I'm having a brilliant time with her.

-Result.

-How are you getting on?

Well, Lou's definitely not dead.

And you've worked with a lot of big-name actors...

-There you go. Panic over.

-Yeah, phew, she's actually just avoiding me.

-She's a busy woman, isn't she?

-What, and I'm not?

Well, no, you're not, are you? I'd better get back.

-Moira's made me a cuppa.

-Oh, God, don't let it get cold.

KNOCK ON DOOR

What did you forget? Some Post-It notes to write love messages on for Moira?

Janet! Oh, my God!

Tess Roberts! I do not believe it!

I know!

-How mad!

-How are you?

-Yeah, yeah, really good.

What are you up to these days?

-Um, still acting.

-Oh, are you?

That's great. How's it going?

Fantastic, actually.

So what are your latest projects, then? Is that what you say, in the biz?

Projects, yeah.

Um, it's been a bit quiet lately, but it's been like that for everyone.

Like, this year's been really slow. But I did an episode of The Bill.

No really? Who did you play?

I was a corpse that they pulled out the river at the beginning but there

was like a whole story around me which was...which was fantastic.

Oh, I knew you'd make it.

So are you married then? Any kiddies?

No. No, none.

-Boyfriend?

-No, I'm gay, actually.

Oh, good for you!

I never would have guessed.

So, have you got a...a whatsit - a partner?

Er, I'm sort of

having a... No, no. How about you?

Chris. He's just my absolute soul mate.

I'm absolutely pooped.

I mean, what with running this place and trying to organise the wedding.

Plus we're in the middle of buying - you know what a complete hassle that is.

Oh, God, don't get me started.

It's really lovely seeing you.

-Are you with us for long?

-Er, couple of days.

-We should try and do lunch.

-Mmm.

Could you make sure this goes special delivery, please?

-It's very important.

-No problem.

Star! Thank you.

Catch you later then.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-What?

-'How is she?'

In bed listening to Ibiza Chilled Classics Volume One.

-'Thank Christ for that.'

-Yeah, I still think you're a prick.

-Sorry to keep you. Slight emergency at the archive repository's technology watch function.

-Nightmare.

Indeed. Life was a lot simpler when everything was manual.

Anyway, first things first.

I'll need all the information you have about your relatives.

Yeah, I've got my parents' names and the date of their death.

I've also got this address.

I'm not sure but I think I used to live there when I was a kid.

Could you see if it matches up with my parents' details?

It's all rather a puzzle, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Okey-dokey, leave it with me, Ms Hallum.

-Alan.

No, Ralph.

Hey, Cat.

I've just heard back from Cassidy and Moore.

Following yesterday's meeting with you and Jay, they want to go ahead.

That's brilliant.

Yeah, well done. It's a big project. Thanks for bringing it in.

-I'm really looking forward to getting started.

-Yeah, well...

-I thought this might be one for Jay to take charge of, actually.

-Jay?

-Why?

-Well, in light of our conversation earlier, I know you've got an awful lot of other things...

I can cope.

I don't want you to simply cope, Cat.

I've fought for this. It means a lot.

I did bring it in, Alistair.

Yeah, well, that's not strictly how we operate, is it?

Look, it's not a slight against you, Cat, it's quite the opposite.

It's my duty to look after you.

I don't want to be accused of running my poor staff into the ground, do I?

You're not running me anywhere. This is my project.

Yeah, and you will get the credit for winning the contract - don't worry.

It's just that Jay's got more head space to manage it, that's all.

That's all? Alistair, you're making it...

It's been decided. OK?

It's just unbelievable. I do all the leg work, he turns up, 45 minutes late, hungover

and he still manages to land the account. It's a man's bloody world, all right.

Forget it. It's not worth getting wound up about.

Oh, no, it's nothing at all, is it?

Just out-and-out sexism in the work place. Keep your trap shut and your head down like a good little girl.

That's not what I meant.

Honestly, today has the been the absolute day from hell.

OK, so why don't you just relax and enjoy being here with me? Look, my shift starts in a couple of hours.

Frankie has got a lot to answer for.

We're not back on her again, are we?

Christ, Cat. Can you not just leave it behind? So you had a shit day.

Just write it off and move on.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm not as calm and sorted as you are.

I get stressed, OK?

What exactly is it you think I do, Cat? Hm?

Sit around eating doughnuts?

-No.

-This week alone I've seen two dead bodies.

I've dealt with three grieving families.

I've been involved in a drugs raid and I've had more sexist, lascivious comments

chucked at me than you've had in your entire bloody career.

Don't fucking talk to me about stress.

It's one project. One.

And an annoying ex-girlfriend.

Get over yourself.

I can't believe you just left like that.

Moira was absolutely livid. You know she'll never have you back.

Not fucking bothered. Ask her if I can have that in writing.

And Janet, ugh! "Yeah, Chris.

"He's my absolute bloody soul mate.

"We're completely in love."

How come she's got everything and I've got nothing?

So Janet's got a big house, sports car, millionaire boyfriend. Do you really want all that shit?

Yeah. Except the boyfriend.

OK, I don't want all those things but d'you know what?

I'd like one of them. Just fucking one of them.

You've got your Vivienne Westwood dress.

Yeah, that is true.

You should have seen her, Ed, going all gooey eyed over some prick with a sock down his pants.

"Er, yeah, Janet, I do have a girlfriend.

"There she is on the telly grabbing some actor's cock."

She's supposed to be flirty with the guests. It's her job, isn't it?

-It's her!

-What does it say?

"So sorry about last night, sweetheart. Having a nightmare.

"Will explain. Miss you. Kiss."

That is good, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Why are you saying it like that?

It's good! "Miss you, kiss." That is definitely good.

OK, yeah. It's good.

Have you got your car?

-Yeah. Why?

-We're going out.

What? Now?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Visitor for you, Sarge. A Cat Mackenzie?

Send her in. Oh, and, Paul, I'm still waiting for that crime report.

If you could hurry it up, please.

I was bang out of order, I'm sorry.

I have been selfish and thoughtless.

And I know how difficult your job must be - or maybe I don't.

Obviously, I've no idea because you just get on with it while

-I moan about everything and you're...you're right, nobody died. It's no big...

-Cat...

I just wanted to apologise. You were absolutely right, I deserved it.

Come here.

You can be quite scary, you know.

Can I?

In a good way.

I liked watching you then, at your desk.

I felt like I'd been hauled in for questioning.

Did you worry what I might do to you?

Do you want me to show you?

SHE SIGHS

SHE MOANS

SHE MOANS

CAR ENGINE STOPS

-OK. How's my face? Make-up and everything?

-It's lovely.

-You look lovely.

-OK.

Will you wait here in case she's not in?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Yeah, why not? She's stressed.

I'm her girlfriend. It's my job to help her unwind when she's stressed.

OK, wish me luck.

Good luck.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

-You're so bad. So are you coming up?

-Yeah, I think I have the energy.

Oh, yeah!

-Um...

-Tess...what, what are you doing here?

I just... I came to see if you were OK.

-I didn't think we'd be seeing you again in a hurry.

-Why?

-Because I'm just one big fucking joke to you - is that it?

-Tess...

-Steady on.

-Come on, Tess. Let's go.

Why couldn't you have just told me?

Told her what?

Who the hell is this?

Is it him? Are you fucking him?

-No!

-God, no, it's nothing to do with me.

Try again, Tom.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Lou...

Please, just...just give us a minute. Please.

-I don't know what to say.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

This must be really difficult for you.

-It is.

-Please, just spare me the bullshit, Lou.

If you have any feelings for me...

Course I do!

So what is it then?

Are you... Are you too much of a coward to deal with it?

No, it's not like that. But... It's just...

I think things are going to be different now between Tom and I.

He's promised he's going to leave his wife.

-Oh, Lou!

-I know how that makes me sound but I've got to give it a go.

Yeah.

Best stick with what you know, eh?

Easier to be the scarlet woman than come out the closet, I suppose.

I do love him.

Do you, though?

You don't.

It's not too late.

Look, we can... We can figure it out. I'll help you.

Please.

-It's not too late.

-Please, Tess.

-What?

-I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I can't.

Tess, are you OK?

Can we get in the bloody house?

Lou? Now, please.

Yeah, we don't want to cause a scene, do we?

No, I think you've managed that already, sweetheart. Run along, eh?

Excuse me, who do you think you're talking to?

-What is it to you?

-I don't want you speaking to my friend like she's an inconsequential piece of crap.

-You said it.

Shit, are you OK?

Are you all right?

Get away from me or I'll call the police! Oh, I'm bleeding...

Did you see him go down?

I know I say it myself, but that was some right hook.

Oh, Tess...

SHE SOBS

Tess, come on...

Let's go.

Wow, this is a nice surprise.

I didn't expect to see you again so soon.

Well, I was at a loose end.

Flatterer.

Tell you what, I need this drink.

I've had the most manic day.

Five different viewings all in different parts of Glasgow.

Knack-er-ing.

There was this one couple who were a total nightmare.

They couldn't agree on anything.

They're getting married next year.

INAUDIBLE

He looked fatter than he did on telly, didn't he?

-I know they say the camera adds ten pounds but...

-Ed, please can we move on?

I'm just trying to point out that you're a better catch then he is.

I don't care if he's famous or not.

-Thank you.

-Imagine if this got out. We could make a shit load of money.

-Er, kiss and tell isn't really my kind of thing.

-It's one way of coming out to your gran, though.

It wouldn't have to be kiss and tell. You could do it anonymously.

Tip the press off.

Well, I might be desperate but I'm not that desperate.

More fool you.

Er, sorry. Happy and committed couples are banned from this area of the bar.

This section is for fuck-ups only.

Who says I'm committed anyway?

We're only staying for one. I've booked us a table at Chardon D'or.

Wow! What's the occasion?

Does there need to be one?

Ah!

-Oh, sorry. We haven't met before, have we?

-This is Sadie.

Sadie is an old friend of mine. This is Jay and Becky who I'm staying with at the moment.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

Nice necklace.

Thanks.

We got your text. How are you?

-She'll be fine.

-What happened?

I caught my so-called girlfriend in the arms of her cheeseball co-star,

with his gelled hair and his blinding teeth...

And tan to rival David Dickinson's.

So utterly predictable.

I mean, I'm now dumped and homeless...

-Well, I thought we were going to move in together?

-Yeah, but when?

I can't stay at Cat's, now that her and Sam are pinned to each other in their matching pyjamas.

-I can help you find somewhere.

-Yeah?

In fact, I know just the place.

Well, there you go.

Every cloud...

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Oh, shit. Sadie...

Oh, God.

We exhausted every avenue but I'm afraid we couldn't

find anything to link your parents to the address you gave.

Are you sure?

We have got copies of most of the documents you requested, though.

Your parents' death certificates along with your sister's.

I don't have a sister.

Well, I don't see how there can have been a mistake.

These are your parents' death certificates.

Lindsey Alan...Robert Alan and little Francesca...

Francesca?

I am sorry. Tragic losing someone so young.

Oh. Shit. Sorry.

Is that your new squeeze I saw this morning?

Her name's Sam.

-What's that?

-Frankie trying to get me back on the scene.

-Internet dating?

You're adventurous, aren't you Tess?

-You want to know what's going on? I'm dead.

-What's the problem?

Lunch, my parents. Today.

Well, well, well. Little Francesca.

Everything we did was in your best interests.

# You're such an unusual force

# I'm trying to fight

# A ghost playing tricks with my mind

# And breathing down my back

# Saying

# Forget about the fights

# Forget about the times I let you down

# And please

# Come a little closer to me

# And grab my hand... #