Episode 4 Lip Service

-Glasgow's my home. I want to stay.

-You're staying?

It just feels like Frankie's needling her way into my life.

This is Frankie. Frankie's doing the photos for our new brochure.

-I thought this might be one for Jay to take charge of actually.

-Jay?

Easier to be the scarlet woman than come out of the closet, I suppose.

-I do love him.

-We don't want to cause a scene, do we?

I think you've managed that already, sweetheart. Aaargh!

-I'm now dumped and homeless.

-I can help you find somewhere.

-You're moving in with Frankie?

-Yeah.

-Who's that then?

-That's Hayley, the fit intern.

She's been flirting with me non-stop.

Hayley... Hayley.

It's ketamine.

The album she made of you as a kid, it's gone.

Who the hell would want my photos? Something was sent here.

A photo album? Sent to someone called Annie Cawthorne.

We have got copies of most of the documents you requested.

Your parents' death certificates along with your sister's.

Little Francesca. Tragic losing someone so young.

This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

-Is that all you've got?

-Yep. All my worldly goods.

Yeah, I'm the same. Just got a few bits.

What?

Tess, what is all this?

-It's my life.

-Is that everything?

Absolutely everything.

Oh, shit. I left my sponge bag in the bathroom.

-I'll get it.

-Thank you.

-Oh, and there's a book on that weird shelf thing.

-All right.

And a jumper on the clothes horse by my room.

And the mascara.

-Oh, shit! Sorry.

-It's all right.

-I'm just looking for Tess's bag.

-It's OK.

No. Um...

I'm Sam.

Yeah.

And you must be...Frankie?

Yeah, Cat's told me all about you. It's nice to finally meet you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, I was just... And your door was...?

What? Open?

-Sorry.

-Frankie...

I don't want to fight all the time. It's boring.

Yeah, I agree.

Shit, I remember that!

Your gran's house.

Officially the ugliest vase ever.

I can't bring myself to chuck it out.

It was the one last thing she gave me before she died.

Are you OK?

-Yeah.

-Sure?

Yeah, I'm fine.

We used to raid her drinks cabinet when she was at church

and mix cocktails in it. Remember? What was it again?

Sambuca and Um Bongo...

They drink it in the Congo.

Which somehow I seriously doubt.

Sam, this is Frankie. Frankie, Sam.

We met.

Do you mind if I borrow this? I've got court this morning.

What are you planning to do? Flash the judge?

You got to use what you got.

Yeah, I'd better go. The driver will be doing his nut with Tess.

I'll come and see her off.

Bye bye, roomie.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Bye.

Oh, my God! "Love in the afternoon."

Come on.

Ugh!

Want to meet for lunch?

I doubt I'll be finished. These things have a habit of dragging on.

-I'd love to watch you in court.

-Yeah?

-It's just like it is on the telly.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, good looking jury, a wise old beak.

Me on the stand, being viciously cross-examined

by a curiously sexy Glenn Close.

Shit!

-What?

-My boss. I don't want to be late.

-Not when he's so pleased with me already. I'll call you later.

-OK.

Give my regards to Glenn!

Morning.

Morning. My office, five minutes.

Is this it?

I guess so.

Is it legit?

Oh, my God! This is amazing!

Nice one, Sadie.

-You should shag a letting agent more often.

-Yeah!

Uh!

My world may be turning to shit, but yes, we have some bongos.

So, no doubt you heard our bright young intern

-had an attack of the vapours in the office?

-Yeah.

Yeah, she hasn't been back. Is she still ill?

Ill? Yeah, well that's what I assumed. Ketamine.

-Sorry?

-Commonly prescribed by vets as a horse tranquiliser.

It seems like it's the drug of choice for our Hayley.

Shit! Really? I had no idea.

-No?

-No! Course not.

I can't believe it. She's bright and keen and good at her job.

Not any more. I had to fire her.

You see, the thing is, Cat, you interviewed her, hm?

You recommended her, she's your protege.

I thought you might've noticed she was taking drugs in the office.

I didn't notice anything. Obviously. If I had, I would've done something.

Yeah, you have been a bit distracted lately.

Is that your new squeeze I saw this morning?

-Her name's Sam.

-Sam? Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Which of the noble Sapphic professions does Sam belong to?

Social worker? PE teacher? Freelance yoghurt maker?

-She's a Detective Sergeant.

-Oh!

Well, maybe she'll be able to give you a few pointers next time.

How to spot suspicious behaviour?

So what it's like working at Cat and Jay's?

Fascinating. I'm the Annie Leibovitz of architectural photography.

Well, at least you've got a job.

What are you up to today?

Thought I'd take a spin round the Italian Centre.

New handbag, haircut.

-Just a bit of fun with my never-ending disposable income.

-Enjoy that.

-I will.

-Then again, I might just watch Lou on the telly and drink my own body weight in gin.

-Tess, get over it!

-Plenty more lesbians in the loch.

-Mm? You reckon!

Trouble with you is you don't know where to look.

Ah.

There you go. "What you want, when you want it."

Easy as ordering a pizza.

No. Absolutely not. I'm not that desperate.

It's full of skanks and psychos.

-What d'you want your user name to be?

-Clitoris.

-And how are you spelling that?

-Frankie, I don't want to do it.

What's the alternative?

-Sitting round here, pining after someone you can't have?

-Yeah.

It doesn't work.

Just put a profile up and see what happens.

Ah, OK.

What you looking for?

Friendship first? Fun?

Fisting?

Fisting.

Did you know about Hayley?

Hayley? What about her?

She was off her tits. Ketamine, for chrissake.

-Who said that?

-Alistair.

That's why she keeled over the other day.

Did you know she was on something?

-No, of course not. How would I know?

-Exactly!

Why would you take drugs in the office anyway? Stupid girl!

God, I hope she's all right.

I don't know why you're so worried. It's not your fault.

That's not what Alistair thinks.

He's been weird with me ever since I turned down his weekend cottage.

Sheep shagging in Shetland.

Then he finally susses I'm gay,

it's given him a whole new stick to beat me with.

Listen, don't worry about it, it'll all blow over.

I was right.

I've just been browsing members in this area and they're all...

-What's that?

-Nothing.

Are you OK?

I'm going to go to work.

-Listen, don't tell Cat about Hayley, OK?

-Why?

Alistair's blaming her,

she doesn't need to know I had anything to do with it.

What? So Cat takes all the flak while you waltz away?

It's not like that.

Ssh.

Hiya.

Oh!

Thanks.

I've downloaded the images from the Haybridge Court Project,

so we can take a look at them now.

-What?

-You. Straight to business. It's not like you.

What's that supposed to mean?

-Frankie.

-I'm just trying to do my job, all right? Christ!

What's the matter?

Frankie, what's going on? And don't say nothing.

Nothing.

You're a crap liar. Come on, you're all over the place.

All right. You want to know what's going on?

I'm dead.

What?

I don't understand, the date on this...?

-The same day my parents died.

-The car crash.

Francesca Alan died on the same day as her parents.

But you survived. Your aunt and uncle...

Took me in. Little orphan Frankie.

No, no, they didn't because she was dead.

Frankie...

Fuck! This is...

So you're not who they said, who they told you you were?

-It's a total mindfuck.

-Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

But you know what? I'm not even surprised.

What d'you mean?

I always knew that there was something that they weren't telling me, some secret.

Conversations would stop when I walked into rooms,

closed doors and whisperings and...

I'm just trying to make sense of it.

This... And the photo album.

So who is she? Your aunt wanted her to have the photos.

Do you think she could be your mother?

Your real mother?

-Frankie, it's OK.

-No, it's not!

That's the one thing it's not.

Later in the programme we'll be talking to life coach Debbie Spatz,

about the joy of spontaneous living.

What the hell does Lou know about spontaneous living? Scheming witch!

Mute her! Mute her!

Look at how much make-up they've put on to cover the bruise!

Don't mess with The Fist!

Feeble exterior of a young Woody Allen,

awesome fire power of Vin Diesel.

COMPUTER PINGS

What's that?

Nothing. It's Frankie trying to get me back on the scene.

-Internet dating?

-I know.

Seriously, I mean, you should look at some of these girls.

Most of them are just desperate hets after a free lezzy floor show.

-How can you tell?

-Easy, look.

Like hell she's bi.

Why the hell do they have to have a dog in the picture?

I do find spaniels particularly erotic.

Oh, and then there's this one. My favourite.

Berlin Mary. "Back in Glasgow. Zis time I am super horny.

"First we will have the sex. Then we will proceed to the next level."

COMPUTER PINGS

-What's that?

-It just means someone's interested.

Don't get excited, it'll just be another minger.

-She's all right.

-Really?

She is, isn't she? She's hot.

Do you think she's hot?

COMPUTER PINGS

-She wants to chat. I can't do it, my fingers are sweaty. You do it.

-No!

Go on, you're the writer. Write something funny, witty, sexy

so she'll think I'm fantastic and want to go out with me.

-Actually, I have to go.

-What? Where are you going?

-I've got a date.

-What?

At three o'clock in the afternoon? You never said.

-I don't tell you everything.

-Except that you do.

Who's the lucky girl?

Melanie. In my creative writing class.

She's really nice.

Obsessed with Philip Roth.

Oh, I love him! Pulp Fiction. That scene in the diner. Remember?

No, that's Tim Roth.

I'm talking about Philip Roth. Celebrated New York Jewish novelist,

not a bloody actor.

All right! Don't get punchy.

-Is this what you're going to be like since your little street fight?

-I'm off. Enjoy your internet date.

I never said I was going to meet her!

Why don't I talk to Sam?

-No.

-Why not? Least she could see if Annie Cawthorne's ever come up?

You have an address for her.

Don't tell her. I don't want anyone to know, OK?

Then how else are you going to find out who she is?

Do you think she'd even do it?

Probably, if I asked her.

You've got her wrapped around your finger, have you?

No. Sam's a grown-up.

In fact this might be my first attempt at a grown-up relationship.

And before you say it, that doesn't mean it's boring.

Yeah, I wasn't going to say that. I'm pleased for you.

No, you're not!

Well, someone should be happy. It might as well be you.

So how's the new place?

It's mental. Massive.

You should drop by sometime, take a look.

Yeah. Yeah, I might.

Maths homework?

Becky's arranged for us to see a mortgage adviser.

God, it's fun all the way with you two.

Oh, God!

You know how long it's going to take me to pay this...thing off?

30 years!

30 years of fucking wage slaving.

Not to mention your other costs.

-What?

-Your nanny. Your vets bills.

Your 2.4 are going to want a pet.

Hi, Sam, it's me.

Good. Can you do me a favour?

I just need you to look someone up. Is that OK?

Oh, it's not for me.

It's for one of the secretaries.

Annie Cawthorne.

48 Claydon Court...

Ashmill Estate...

Glasgow.

Talk to anyone who's done internet dating,

-we've all got war stories.

-And you?

Right, the worst was this teacher. Faye.

Great profile, talked for ages online.

In the flesh she was like something out of Jane Austen.

-Yeah, but underneath the corset...?

-We didn't get that far, believe me.

I knew as soon as I met her

she didn't have the right sense of adventure.

-You're adventurous, aren't you, Tess?

-Mmm, yeah, course.

You want another?

Yeah. I'll get them.

You stay here and enjoy the view.

Two Ezos, please.

Hi.

Hi.

You look familiar.

No, I don't think so. Maybe.

Ooh.

So then I did my dissertation

on post-modern identity in the American novel

-and that's when I really fell in love with Roth.

-Wow.

What?

You've got a bit of crisp on your lip.

There?

No, it's just underneath.

Do you want me to?

Thanks.

I had a date in a coffee shop once

and I thought it had gone really well, but when I went to the loos,

I realised I had chocolate from my cappuccino all over my lip.

A little cocoa Hitler moustache?

No, big curly whirly impresario affair.

Fetching!

I've got a friend called Tess.

She's an actress.

She did this play once where she had to wear a false beard,

a big bushy white thing.

Trouble is, they stuck it on with the wrong stuff, superglue or something,

she was wispy for weeks.

Oh, my God!

No, she liked it. She said it made her feel Christmassy.

She sounds mental.

Yeah, she is. She's great, but she's also...frustrating.

She's one of these people who can't see what's right in front of her, you know?

Like she can't appreciate what she's already got.

Do you want another?

Er... Yeah!

Over the top, over the top.

Whoa!

-Turn it round.

-Eh?

The other way.

Um...

What the fuck?

All right, hen.

Sorry, um... Who is this?

This is Dougie.

Douglas.

My husband, but don't worry, he just likes to watch. Now where were we?

No, no, no, I'm sorry. I thought you were gay.

We're more...

bi-curious.

BANGING

Whoa! What was that?

-It's just Lady.

-What lady?

No, Lady! Our Allie. Our German Shepherd.

Goes a bit frantic when we shut him in the kitchen.

Um, I think I'm...

You see! This is my problem.

Why don't you look at me like that any more?

HOWLING

It's like Roth's books.

-They're almost anti-love stories.

-Yeah.

-You know? The pain, the...

-The inescapable despair of desire.

-Yeah. How... How love fractures us.

-Yeah.

-Leaves us in pieces.

-Doomed.

It's doomed to failure.

I just find it...

-Captivating.

-Depressing.

Another drink?

Erm... No, I'd better not. I've got an early lecture tomorrow.

You're good. I've a friend called Tess. She doesn't know when to stop.

Spirits and then shots and that's when she gets really wild.

You know, like really self obsessed.

Like she's the only one in the world, the only one that matters.

Are you going already?

It's been great.

A really great date.

Can we do this again?

Look, I'll call you.

You see, this is marriage, Tess.

First the excitement goes, then the passion.

-Baby, dunnae...

-Don't "baby" me, I'm serious.

Um, can I just...

Thanks.

That's why we thought about the internet dating.

It hasn't gone as well as we hoped, has it, Doug?

Douglas, at least look at me while I'm talking to you!

-Well, look, I... I think it's really great that you're trying.

-Do you?

Yeah, yeah!

Anything you can do to keep the passion alive.

It's like cooking, isn't it?

You can have shepherd's pie every night,

but why not add a little spice?

Some chilli, pepper, a bit of turmeric...

Aye, that's very good. That's very profound.

You should be on the television, Tess. You're very good at this.

Cos that's all I want.

To make Dougie happy.

Aye, me too, Hen.

Me, too.

Um...

I'll just let myself out.

Sorry, I didn't realise it had gotten so late.

I should've rung you.

It's all right. You OK?

Just about. Their defence barrister is a bitch in horsehair.

My brain hurts.

Poor brain.

-Do you want a drink?

-Yes.

-Sam?

-Mmm?

I was just wondering if you had a chance

to do that thing for me, look up that name?

Mm, I did.

Great, thank you so much.

So did you find anything out?

The only Cawthorne registered to that address

is an alias for an Alma Carter.

Alias? She's a criminal?

Yeah, small time.

She's got a couple of priors for theft,

but we're talking way back, 30 years or more.

Thanks. Thanks for doing that.

No problem.

Who did you say it was for?

You said it was someone at work?

Yeah. Yeah, just one of the secretaries.

She's having a few family issues.

It's nice of you to help her.

SIREN

DOOR BUZZES

-Hey.

-Don't look too pleased to see me.

-Sorry.

-Or were you expecting someone else?

No, I just... I didn't know you were coming, that's all.

Wanted to see how you were settling in? Like it?

Yeah, it's all right. Yeah.

All right? It fucking rocks!

Do you know how lucky you are to be shagging me?

To another satisfied client.

What?

Let's just have a drink, yeah?

Don't worry, I can multi-task.

Yeah. Sadie, don't.

Come on, is this all the thanks I'm going to get?

What? So I've got to fuck you just cos you found me a flat?

Cos I didn't ask you to.

For God's sake, that's not what I meant.

-What's wrong with you tonight?

-Nothing's wrong with me.

I'm just not in the mood.

Suit yourself.

Your loss.

What did I do to deserve this?

I just felt like it.

Ah, that is good.

Mm, my first and last decent cup of the day.

The coffee at court tastes vile.

I can make you a flask?

Let's wait till we're really middle-aged.

Hey, don't forget this Annie Cawthorne stuff.

Want some?

I made it for you.

Yeah, and I want to share it.

-Oh, shit.

-What?

Oh, God!

-What's the problem?

-Lunch with my parents! Today!

-That's the problem.

-Your parents?

-You could come with me.

-What?

You're my girlfriend. You should meet my parents.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

I'll call you later.

Shit!

Now you remember the time, right?

And please try to stay tidy because we need to look serious and committed.

Committed? You should be in that tie.

Thanks, Frankie, always nice to have your support.

We're meeting our financial advisor later.

Three o'clock. Don't be late.

I won't.

Dead Man Walking.

It's a mortgage, Frankie. Not a death sentence.

Yeah. Loving the noose.

Look, you can take the piss all you want but this is not the end for me, all right?

I have options. Choices. It's not like I'm stuck on a path.

-It's not like I can't get off if I want to.

-And do you?

You know Hayley?

-She snogged me.

-Did she? No wonder she had to take drugs.

-Frankie?

Um, Sam looked up that thing you wanted.

Annie Cawthorne's an alias for somebody called Alma Carter.

She has convictions.

Theft, but they're ancient, like 30 years ago.

-She's a criminal?

-Was.

Was. Sam said that these things on the record, they're from ages ago,

-so they probably don't count.

-Great. That's just great. So I'm dead,

I'm connected to a criminal and there's some strange drug dealer bloke that keeps following me.

What bloke?

-Where are you going?

-Where do you think?

-Frankie.

And how dare they use me to spice up their marriage?

Like I'm some kind of lesbian court jester.

Tess, will you hurry up! My mum's booked the table.

All these crazy femmes who turn out to be straight and I never notice, I never guess.

"Sense of adventure"?

That was not an adventure.

-And you know the worst thing?

-Fine, I'll just wait then.

The worse thing is, I got hit on!

I passed up a really fit lesbian and for what?

A heterosexual freak show.

Tess, what the hell are you looking at?

Nothing. Birds.

Flying up in the thing...

Right, OK, I'm ready.

Where's my coat?

Tiramisu with Judy and Gerry.

Who could say no?

I think this is lovely.

Gerry, for goodness' sake.

He likes to build things. ..Gerry? I was just saying,

this is lovely, isn't it?

Yes, it's nice to see you all.

Thank you for making a...

you know.

And to meet Cat's new girlfriend.

Super! And a police woman?

Have you been at "the nick" this morning, Sam?

Um, actually I've been in court, giving evidence against a serial rapist.

Rape. Now that is not very nice.

Conjunctivitis is not very nice, Mother.

But rape, I think, qualifies as something slightly worse than that.

She takes things very literally, our Catherine, always has.

I think she might be slightly autistic.

So, the police service?

-That must be very rewarding, decent salary?

-Mum! Please.

It's OK. When you join up, you know what you let yourself in for.

Public service pay and a polyester uniform. Winning combination.

Super!

Of course Ed's doing so well writing his very own science book.

-Science fiction, Mum.

-That's what I said, darling.

And Tess, still acting?

Oh, you know me, Judy. I just go with the flow, like a piece of driftwood.

Ha-ha. Such a free spirit.

And then there's Cat with her...

architecture.

You see, that's the problem.

Very long training, expensive.

It's a big investment for everyone for uncertain rewards.

Still, you always put your dreams on hold for your children, don't you?

It must be worth it, Judy?

You know, seeing all that Catherine's achieved and knowing she couldn't have done it without you?

Well, yes.

Exactly, yes. And we're all very proud, yes.

So?

-Little Francesca.

-Can I come in?

You turned your back on us, young lady.

Our door's always been open to you.

I'm sorry.

The funeral. I was out of line.

I want to ask you something.

About me...

-where I came from.

-New York, wasn't it?

-I find it hard to keep up with you girls.

-As a baby. Where you got me.

The birds and the bees, Francesca.

Isn't it a bit late for all that?

I'm not Francesca though, am I?

-Where did you get this?

-The registry office.

Everything we did was in your best interests.

And who is Alma Carter?

Is she my mother?

My real mother?

I don't know who you're talking about. I've never heard of this.

Alma Carter! Aunt Carol sent her my photo album before she died.

I'm sorry.

Jesus, am I even related to you at all? Are you anything to do with me?

Oh, hello, Gillian.

You remember my niece?

I'd like to help you so I'm telling you this for your own good.

Stop looking, asking questions.

You won't like the answer.

Alma Carter's not interested.

Not then.

Not now.

She didn't want you.

Excuse me. Could we have the bill, please?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, you might want to powder your nose if you're in there, darling.

She's such an attractive girl Tess, don't you think, Gerry?

And these two make a very attractive couple.

-Have you thought about it, Edward? She could be the one?

-What?

No, no, she's not the one, Mother.

There is no one, OK?

I'm not seeing anyone, not going anywhere... I'm stuck.

Sorry, isn't Tess...?

Gay? Yes, she is. As my mother is only too well aware.

I think we're all a bit gay, dear, aren't we?

That's the trouble with Ed, he lets everything become an obstacle.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello?

-Yeah?

-Sadie, where are you?

Oi! You stopped being a moody twat then, have you?

-Whose is this place?

-Last night's conquest.

A tragic little banker called Josephine that I picked up at Babylon.

She was a crap shag though. All toys and no imagination.

Oh, yeah?

So this Josephine, where is she now?

Don't tell me you've left her tied up upstairs?

No, she got an early flight to Charles de Gaulle this morning,

leaving yours truly holding the keys.

-Thank you.

-For what?

-You were great. The way you handled my mother!

Ah well, I guess I've just had a lot of practice dealing with...

-Psychopaths?

-Cat, your mother's not a psycho.

-She's just more borderline personality disorder.

-Really?

-So what does that make me?

-You?

Where do I start?

I can't do this.

You seem to be doing all right.

No, I can't. It's...

You've been so great today and it just...

makes me feel even shittier.

-I lied to you.

-About what?

That name. It wasn't for one of the secretaries.

It was for Frankie.

Of course it was.

I was just wondering when you were going to tell me.

You knew?

What's my job?

I know! And I'm a terrible liar. It's just...

-Frankie asked me not to tell anyone.

-About what?

Oh, nothing. It's just she doesn't want anyone to know about her stuff.

Cat, is there, um... Is there anything that I need to worry about?

You and Frankie, you know, you obviously go back a long way and...

She's... She's a friend, that's all. Not even a very good one.

OK.

But you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

OK!

Just don't lie to me again.

Do you want to go for a drink? Yeah?

MUSIC BLARING

On your marks! Get your car keys!

Good stuff.

Private prescription, maximum strength.

Question is, how many do I need?

Depends on how much you want to forget.

Look at you. Two cocktails and you're anybody's.

Not anybody's. Yours.

The taxi driver won't like it.

He's a Daily Mail reader.

Fuck him.

No, don't fuck him.

Fuck me.

Frankie?

What the fuck are you doing?

Rape. Now that's not very nice.

Genocide, also not very nice.

-Right, I'm off.

-No, no, no, no! I haven't said the best bit!

The best bit was when your mum accused Cat of being autistic.

And then there was your dad, counting cutlery like he's in fucking Rainman.

Yay! He smiles!

You know, you're my best audience, Ed.

In fact you're my only audience, so you must never leave me.

-Do you know what else my mum said?

-What?

-She said we'd make a really attractive couple.

-Mental!

Yeah.

DOOR BUZZER I'll get it.

Surprise! Ho, ho, ho! Nice pad!

-All right, babe?

-Jay!

Let's get the party started!

Look at the size of this place!

Shave for me.

What?

Everything.

Shave it all off.

I've only got a landing strip.

Open your legs.

Wider.

Lift your head up.

Put your arm behind your head.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello?

Josephine, is that you?

It's me, Lainie, I'm here to feed your fish.

Look, this is a mistake.

We're friends of Jackie's... Josephine's.

That's not true. I've been cleaning here for three years.

I've never seen these people before in my life.

-She's lying.

-How would you know?

We were together last night.

Quite the squealer is Josephine.

I think the best thing would be for you two to come down to the station.

We'll try and sort all this out, get in touch with the owner.

-Paris, you say?

-No, no. You don't want to do that.

-And why's that?

Call Sam Murray. She's a detective sergeant. She'll sort this out.

-Is that right?

-Yeah, cos this isn't what it looks like and I wouldn't want you to make a mistake.

No! Look...

-What are you doing?

-Just leave me to deal with this.

I know what I'm doing.

Tess, have we got any crisps?

Sweeties? Brownie mix? Anything?

Tess?

-What you looking at?

-Oh, nothing. Just another missed opportunity.

-How much have you had to drink?

-Not enough.

Cheers.

They were left in the house, Clive. It's implied consent.

I'm just sorry you got dragged into it.

OK.

Tell me why should I do this? Why should I have to vouch for you two?

-Who is this, Frankie?

-This?

This is Sadie. My girlfriend.

Your girlfriend, Frankie?

-Your standards are dropping.

-Piss off.

Just clean up this mess and get the hell out of here.

I'm so, so sorry.

-You cheated!

-Suck it up.

-Yay!

-Stranger!

-What happened to you?

-Not much.

How was your day?

-Fabulous.

-You didn't get your mortgage then?

No. We did.

Oh, my God. I need my bed.

-The room's spinning.

-Have a glass of water.

-Have a go on this bad boy.

-No, thanks.

Ed, you can stay in my bed if you want.

I'm going to go home. Get the last bus.

You should stay. The state she's in you won't even need rohypnol.

-Piss off, Frankie.

-See you later, Teddy boy.

See ya.

So...what do you want to do now?

I want another drink.

-What's...?

-I'm sure I saw something.

Yeah, is that... What's that? Is that tequila?

Looks like tequila!

Urgh, it smells like Domestos.

Aaah!

Christ, I shouldn't drink any more.

Who said?

PHONE RINGS

Oh!

Ring ring!

Becky.

Uh-oh. What's going on with you two?

Nothing, nothing. It's all good.

I love Becky. I do...

At least I think I do. I'm pretty sure...

But how do you know? How do you know?

You're asking me?

It's just this...

It's just this moving in thing.

I just feel as if I'm being pushed, like I'm signing my life away for something I'm not even sure I want.

It's like my heart says one thing but my cock's saying another.

Am I making...? I'm...

I'm not making any sense, am I?

Oh, God, I'm pissed.

Get you!

You're so...

controlled. Got it all together.

-You what?

-Good old Frankie. Doesn't say anything.

Doesn't get sucked in. Fuck and run Frankie.

You don't know anything.

So, tell me, Frankie, this love thing.

Is there someone...anyone...

that grabs your heart and fucks with your head?

Cos I don't know if I can do it.

Frankie?

Cat. It's always been Cat.

Of course it has.

Oi...

Oh, Christ.

Hey...

Poor Frankie.

Poor pissed Frankie

with her sad eyes.

-You saw.

-Couldn't help it.

-It was nothing.

-It was Jay!

It was a fucking mistake!

When did you know that you loved her? When does anyone know?

There's not much to celebrate.

-It's your 30th!

-Exactly.

-Why don't we just do it at my flat?

As long as it doesn't get too messy again.

-Strolling down memory lane behind Sam's back...

-I was working!

-Why didn't he just like go for it with her?

-Would she reciprocate?

Well, you're the writer. Make it happen.