Episode 1 Lip Service

I can't believe they're still here.

I like having our names up there together.

Frankie, stop! It isn't me you want.

Is there someone? Anyone?

Cat. It's always been Cat.

Could still happen with her, Frankie. You could see her.

-She gave me up.

-Talk to her.

-You're an actress?

-Yeah.

I just got the lead in the play at the Tron.

You're amazing, you know that?

CAT: I love Sam. She's moving in with me.

So stay away from Frankie.

The last thing you need is her messing up your life again.

I love you, Cat.

I always have.

SONG: # If you keep me in your heart

# Then keep me in your wallet

# Tucked between the money that I wasted on you

# And keep me in your phone

# Keep me on your key ring

# Keep me rolling around about the bottom of your bag

# And keep me in your hall... #

(VOICEMAIL) Hi, this is Cat. Leave me a message.

# Keep me in your bathroom

# Keep me hanging up, stretched out and dripping next to you

# And keep me in your sheets... #

JET ENGINE ROARS

I told you we shouldn't take any toys.

He so fancied you. I think we made his day!

Oh, Jesus. (LAUGHS)

Hi.

Well, we're definitely not in Rio any more.

-Nice necklace.

-I wonder who gave me that?

Shouldn't we at least unpack?

You seriously want to unpack?

You're right. What am I saying?

(LAUGHS)

-Just here will do fine.

-(LAUGHS)

FOOTBALLERS SHOUT

CHEERING

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Do you like that?

Send the ball back. Send the ball back, Jess.

-Come on, babe.

-Oh, no, I...

-Kick it.

-Come on, we're waiting.

Right here.

-ALL GROAN

-Try again.

-Throw it!

Give it some welly. Come on.

-You are joking.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, focus.

FULL-TIME WHISTLE BLOWS

When you said you were coming today, I didn't think you'd do it.

I was curious to see what 8:30 in the morning looks like.

It's amazing. There's all these people up and walking around.

-LAUGHTER

-You're not an early riser then, Tess?

Course she isn't, she's an actress.

I always fancied acting.

Judging by your performance this morning, don't get your hopes up.

You want to try beating me in arm-wrestling, might improve your football skills.

LAUGHTER Sure you don't want some of this, babe?

-No, no, no. I've got rehearsals tomorrow.

-Oh, yeah.

If you want to stay trim you should get active.

Although maybe not football. Not with that left foot.

LAUGHTER

Oi! Leave her alone. She's got PLENTY of other skills.

-ALL: Oooh!

-All right.

-MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

-Oh, um...

Ed's just texted me about that play on Tuesday.

Do you wanna go and see it?

Hmm, Tuesday. I think I might be busy, you know.

If you give her 10 minutes, she might even think of a reason.

LAUGHTER

SOUND OF TELEVISION

VOICEOVER: 'The fertile bush of New South Wales

'teems with all manner of life...'

TURNS TV OFF

DOOR OPENS

-Tess?

-Yeah.

You had any more calls about the ad?

Uh, a bloke who sounded excited about living with lesbians

and a woman who sounded drunk.

Nice. We've gotta get a flatmate.

And if I don't get a job soon,

I won't even be able to afford my own rent.

You could always offer the landlady sexual favours.

She wears a wig and smells of bleach.

Beggars can't be choosers.

You heard from Cat?

Uh, yeah, they're back. She left me a message earlier.

Catch you later. CLOSES DOOR

Bye.

TESS: She's been weird for weeks.

She hasn't even slept with anyone since she broke up with Sadie.

Maybe that's it - she just needs a shag.

She's not the only one. By the time I got my book deal,

I was gonna have a really great girlfriend,

or be living a Don Juan lifestyle.

Instead, I'm still buying TV dinners for one

and trying to cruise women in supermarkets.

You'll get groupies once it's published.

I can't wait that long.

I've decided I'm getting laid tonight.

Ah. It's gay disco night at Rubies. I kind of told people we'd go there.

What?

I thought this was to finally celebrate MY book deal.

Oh, come on. You'll enjoy it once you get there.

What about this?

Do you think it says, I'm a serious actress?

Yeah.

Ed, you're supposed to be helping me.

It's OK for you. You've been holed up in your love nest with Fin.

-Anyway, why isn't she helping you?

-She's at work.

And anyway, shopping's not really her thing.

SNORTS What?

Just you.

Dating someone who's more into football than shopping.

(CHUCKLES) It's funny.

Well, at least she's nice to me, unlike every other woman I've dated.

And... (WHISPERS) ..the sex is great.

Most of my other girlfriends have been really selfish in bed.

But she's like, really, really...

Well, she's just... she's just really good.

I'm only messing.

Fin's great and I'm sure you've got loads of other stuff in common.

Yeah, of course.

And it's only been two months.

We're still getting to know each other.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Anyway... it's not like she expects me to sit around

watching Sky Sports with her mates.

No.

Hello?

Oh, right, the room. Yeah, yeah, it's still free.

Uh, yep! Today's fine.

DOOR KNOCK

-Hey.

-Hey.

Come in.

Tess out?

Ah, yeah.

She's shopping for a rehearsal outfit with Ed.

You could've told me you were back. I had to hear it from Tess.

Sorry.

-How are you?

-Been better.

It's not been fun sitting around waiting to find out what you want.

Well, now you know how it feels.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

I'm making tea. Do you want one?

No, I can't stay.

I have to get to work.

Tess seems to have gone all lesbian on me

and bought a billion different herbal varieties.

Tess doesn't drink herbal tea.

I don't think anyone drinks hibiscus and goji berry, do they?

Except maybe Madonna.

Don't.

I can't sleep with you anymore, Frankie - it was a mistake.

Thanks.

I'm sorry.

I've been going over it and over it while we were away.

I won't do this to Sam, I love her.

I don't want to leave her.

And you don't love me?

I can't do this!

Cat.

Fuck!

H-H-Hey!

I wasn't expecting you back till tomorrow!

-How was Rio?

-Hot. Fun.

-Wish I was still there.

-I don't.

(It's been really boring without you here.)

Oh, thanks for those pitch documents.

Sorry you had to do them on your own.

That's OK. Just don't ever go away again.

So, here are the latest plans.

Oh, you don't want to go over them now, do you?

You don't have anything to smoke, do you?

What? Don't tell me you took it up again on holiday.

I don't mean cigarettes.

Oh, wow.

You clearly spent WAY too long in South America.

Come on.

I thought you'd be chilled enough already.

I just went to see Frankie.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

Not usually, but, I'll make an exception on this occasion.

We were sleeping together before I went away.

Jesus!

You're a dark horse, aren't you?

Does Sam know?

-No, and she can't find out either.

-All right.

I don't want to mess things up with her.

I told Frankie it can't happen again.

Wow.

I know you two are...

Well, I don't know actually. What the hell's going on?

Are you still in love with her or...

I really don't want to talk about it now.

I just wanna get off my face.

Well, that I could definitely help you with.

DOORBELL CHIMES

FRANKIE: Are you sure this is OK?

I didn't know if it was all right...

It's fine. I'm glad you rang.

I was gonna call, just... things have been a bit busy.

You're the second person to tell me that today.

There you go. I can't remember if you take sugar.

No.

Look, is everything OK?

It's just, well, you sounded upset on the phone.

Cat, the woman I told you about...

..she got back from holiday.

And she doesn't want to be with you?

No, I think she does.

But she won't leave her girlfriend.

Well, if it's any consolation, it's probably hard for her too.

I was always having my heart broken

chasing after the wrong people when I was your age.

My so-called uncle?

Yeah. He was definitely one of my mistakes.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you were...

It's all right. It's not like I thought I was planned.

No, you weren't.

I didn't plan to give you up either.

-DOOR OPENS

-Alma!

He must've got an early flight.

You need to go.

DOOR CLOSES What? You just want me to leave?

Please. There's a side passage takes you out the front.

You're never gonna tell him about me, are you?

Where do I start, Frankie? The robbery?

The daughter he doesn't even know I have?

I can't do this right now. Let's talk about it another time.

Yeah.

Do you think Jemima in Accounts will do a naked dance for me

if I asked her nicely?

Doubt it. She's got a husband and a Volvo.

Oh, well. I'm sure her Volvo won't mind.

BOTH SNICKER

Shh! We have to be normal.

-Hmm?

-Alistair.

-Alistair.

-Ah!

There you both are. Welcome back, Cat.

I've been looking for you.

I've just spoken with the director at Winrow and Baines.

He's got to go off to New York tomorrow.

So I've rescheduled your pitch to this afternoon, five o'clock.

-Is that a problem?

-(STARTLED SOUND)

I presume you've brought Cat up to speed.

Yeah, yeah!

Great.

You've got 45 minutes then.

(SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER)

Frankie, are you back?

Sadie?

Why aren't you returning my calls?

I haven't got my work phone anymore.

What do you want, Frankie?

To say thanks. I didn't realise the cheap rent was dependent on me sleeping with you.

-It wasn't.

-Yeah, right.

You could have had the decency to tell us.

We had two days to find somewhere new.

Now we're having to look for a bloody flatmate.

I didn't tell you myself because I don't work there anymore.

They found out about the cheap rent and sacked me.

It's not my fault you're unhappy, Frankie.

Sort yourself out and stop acting like a fucking cock.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi.

I'm Lexy. You must be Tess?

-Yeah.

-Sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's OK. My flatmate isn't here yet, so...

Do you want me to come back when she is - in case I'm a serial killer?

No, no, no, no, it's fine. Come in. She shouldn't be long.

Um, unless you are.

Oh, I used to dabble

but it was murder getting the bloodstains out of my clothes.

Nice pad.

Sorry, uh, I've never interviewed a flatmate before.

Do I show you the room first or...?

I'm no expert, but I think you'd probably show me the room

and then we'd chat

and then you try and work out if I'm weird or not.

(LAUGHS) OK. Sounds like a good plan.

Um, so, seeing as you mentioned it, are you weird?

Oh, not usually.

Though I do live with my gran, so I guess that is a bit weird.

God, I could never live with my gran.

She's mad for pinching my cheeks.

Oh, well, mine's from here so, you know, when I came over...

And I wouldn't mind, it's just she's got a lot of pets

and I'm trying to kick the whole bestiality thing.

Oh! Sorry, I didn't get you.

Um, do you want to...? It's just through there.

Oh, cool!

If I move in do I get to keep Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison?

What, you like Johnny Cash?

Yeah, it's kind of a guilty secret but I love country and western.

No way. Me too.

-Really?

-Well, it's not so secret.

I'm kind of out about it to my friends.

Ah, I love this play.

Everyone's so bloody miserable in it.

They're doing it at the Tron, aren't they?

Yeah, actually, uh, I'm playing Sonya.

-Really?

-Mm.

-That's so cool.

-Thanks.

So, what do you do?

Sorry. I sound like someone's dad.

I'm gonna be asking if you've got good prospects next.

I can ask for your daughter's hand in marriage if you like.

Um, listen.

My flatmate's gonna be back soon

and I bought a selection of tea the other day

so that when we have guests I can say,

"Do you want a cup of tea? We have a selection."

Um, do you want one?

Oh, only if you have a selection.

(LAUGHS) Yes.

Come on. This way.

DOOR OPENS Fuck.

(LAUGHS)

It's not funny, Jay.

What are you doing?

Trying to sober up.

Isn't there a tea you can drink, I heard that - to make you not stoned?

That's to evade the urine test.

Anyway we don't have any. (LAUGHS)

We want to create flowerbeds in the courtyard.

We imagine people having their lunch

surrounded by roses and tulips and...

What are they called?

Hmm? Tulips.

No, those lovely orange and pink flowers, you know?

They're really...pretty.

Some of them have got a different colour

around the edges of the petals.

Mmm.

It almost makes me think someone's drawn it on with pen.

And they're really soft and smell lovely.

Begonias!

-Mmm.

-Begonias.

And now, my colleague, Jay, will take you through the window designs.

-Jay.

-Hmm?

The window designs.

Oh!

Sorry, sorry.

That's lunch. Cutbacks.

Hey, if you don't go for this pitch, we might starve to death.

(SPURTS WATER AND GIGGLES)

I'm sorry. He always cracks me up.

Aw! You've got all my favourite stuff on here.

So, er, have you got any pets or kids

or wives we should know about?

No, no, no. I'm footloose and fancy-free.

DOOR OPENS

-(CALLS) Hi.

-Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

-I only just got your message.

-Um...

So, you're the flatmate?

-Do you two know each other?

-Not exactly.

I almost didn't recognise you. You've done something with your hair, right?

I'm surprised you remember me at all.

Didn't even get my name, did you?

-Leona?

-Lexy.

(SIGHS) What did you do?

We hooked up and I was a bit of a cock and left without saying goodbye.

But if it's any consolation, I'm often a cock, so it isn't personal.

-Yeah, I gotta go.

-Oh, no, no.

Let's not leave things like this. (WHISPERS) She's really nice.

(WHISPERS) I can't.

Lexy, um...

You're right. I was out of line.

It's no excuse, but I was pretty messed up at the time

and you just kind of got caught up with that.

I'm sorry.

Ah, fuck it. Life's too short to bear a grudge.

DOOR KNOCK

Why don't you come out for some beers with us later

and see if you can bear us?

It's gay disco night at Rubies.

Do you think you can handle that?

Love a bit of disco.

Awesome.

Hey.

Um...beers, anyone?

Yeah.

You all right? I'm Fin, Tess's girlfriend.

Hi, Lexy.

What do you think? Will I do?

Um, I like you with a bit of eye make-up, it suits you.

Yeah?

Maybe I'll go the whole hog.

Get a big, girly frock and some lipstick.

-I don't know about that.

-Exactly. You'd hate it.

You only went for me because you bought into the big, butch copper thing.

Like you didn't totally play up to it.

Second date, you offered me a ride in your police car.

Yeah.

Well, it worked, didn't it?

Gets the ladies every time.

I'm so knackered.

Are you sure you don't want to go on your own?

Yes, I am.

Everyone's really excited about seeing us.

The last thing you need is to sit around

brooding about that bloody pitch.

-A couple of drinks will do you good.

-OK.

-OK.

-OK.

-OK.

-But we're not staying long.

OK.

TESS: Um, everyone. TAPS GLASSES

Uh, I would just like to propose a toast to Ed.

Um, it just goes to show

you can be a total nerd and still be successful.

-CLAPPING AND CHEERING

-JAY: Speech!

I'd just like to say,

I hate you all, and thanks for bringing me to a gay bar

just to ensure I can't celebrate by getting laid.

JAY: No, you can get laid anywhere!

All you need to do is employ the three C's.

Babes will be flocking in.

What? I must be going wrong somewhere.

I never heard of no three C's.

Oh, cocky, confident and charming.

No, seriously. Women can sense if you're nervous.

You've got to approach them

like you're the hot restaurant everyone wants to dine in.

Come on, if Ed was a restaurant,

he'd be giving away two-for-one lunch vouchers.

-Oi!

-Alternatively, Ed, you could just try being friendly

and see if you have anything in common.

Oh, yeah, if you want to send people to sleep.

Yeah? It worked for me.

So, Lexy, what do you do?

And how come we haven't seen you before?

Oh, I'm a doctor in A&E at Queen's.

I work a lot.

I virtually lived there when I was training.

You got Friday night, Chundering Piss-Artist Brigade.

Must've been before my time, or I'd remember you.

A doctor, hey?

That's a bit grown-up, isn't it?

Are you sure you want to live with these juvenile delinquents?

-Oi.

-No, no, no, I'm not grown-up.

I'm only in it for the free drugs.

Speaking of which, I've brought Charlie along to help us celebrate.

-Anyone care to join us at the bogs?

-Oh, I can't.

It's my first day of rehearsals tomorrow.

-All right, you can count me in.

-Yeah, and me.

Right then, I guess it's just me,

Frankie, Lexy and our soon-to-be-famous author then.

-Let's go!

-No, no way.

There's no way, Jay.

Ed, you lack confidence.

Is it any wonder when you're a drug refuser?

Believe me...

just ONCE in your life, you wanna feel this good.

What if something goes wrong?

-Huh? And I'm dead in the papers.

-(LAUGHS)

You don't usually drop dead unless you have a heart condition.

And it's a fairly quick end.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You can trust her. She's a doctor.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

(LAUGHS)

That was me.

You look like you needed that.

Yeah, well, life seems that much better when you're off your tits.

(LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS) If I die, tell my parents it was peer pressure.

(ALL LAUGH)

You're losing your clip.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Um...

..look what I got.

What are they?

They're giving them out free at the bar.

Just don't let me drink them tonight.

This is absolutely my last beer. I refuse to be hung-over tomorrow.

Yeah, why don't I believe that?

Uh, pass me my coat.

So, what? You're gonna put them in your coat?

I'm gonna put them in my pocket.

-How long for?

-Um, till Saturday.

-Till Saturday?

-Yeah, yeah.

What? You're the one who said a couple of drinks would do me good.

(LAUGHS) Enjoy the honeymoon phase.

In a couple of months you could be griping just like this.

Nice.

Nah, me and Tess are gonna be in a constant state of harmony.

She's way too gorgeous to argue with.

-It's true. I am.

-Mmm.

Oi, there's some of my team-mates.

Tigger! Badger! Over here.

-You play for a women's league?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give it a week I'm gonna get Tess in there.

Hey, you right?

We were just discussing the match tomorrow.

You guys are gonna get slaughtered.

You won't ever say that when we win.

Piss off. You're just jealous cos you got relegated.

Listen, give it a couple of weeks and we'll be back up there.

What are you laughing for? It's not funny.

Who do you support, Sam?

Uh, Bradford City.

TIGGER AND BADGER: Ooh!

-TESS: I like your necklace.

-CAT: Sam got it for me on holiday.

TESS: What?

THEY are a bit laddy locker room, aren't they?

Not Fin, she's great.

Yeah, I just...

I wonder whether it matters that we're both so different.

Do you think Lexy's gonna move in?

Not if Frankie's gonna sleep with her again.

-Again?

-Yeah.

It turns out she was one of Frankie's hit-and-runs.

Oh.

She better not be bloody going home with her.

It'd be just like Frankie

to blow our chances of a decent flatmate for a quick shag.

(LOUDLY) All these blokes keep checking me out.

Look!

That one over there.

And that one.

Have drugs made you gay?

(ALL LAUGH)

You OK?

Yeah.

Just the usual girl-wants-girl, can't-have-girl bollocks.

-Someone I know?

-Nope.

Christ, I hate coke. It always makes me spill my guts.

I did not tell you that.

My lips are sealed.

You know what they say.

The best way to get over one girl is to get under another.

No, I wasn't referring to myself.

No offence but, uh, I don't make the same mistake twice.

(CHUCKLES) None taken.

You're right. I generally am a mistake.

(LAUGHS)

So, the cop, Sam, does she go out with Cat?

Do you fancy Sam?

Oh, Jesus, that was me trying to be subtle.

Yeah, they're together.

Although, I wouldn't let that put you off.

Relationships are just things people do before they fuck someone else.

Although, I wouldn't take my advice. I'm always pissing people off.

PUMPING DANCE MUSIC

Are you OK?

Yeah, no, I'm just really tired. Let's go.

OK.

Oh, I'm ready to hit the hay.

Getting too old for partying on a school night.

Hang your towel up in the bathroom on the way, will you?

Yeah, if you ask me nicely maybe.

I just wish you'd tidy up after yourself.

Bollocks! That's not what this is about.

You've been in a weird mood all night.

You're stressing about that bloody pitch and taking it out on me.

Well, you can argue with yourself, cos I'm going to bed.

That's the thing. It was offside.

I cannot believe you're saying that goal should have been allowed.

It was offside.

I know!

Then why are you arguing with me then?

That match last week was terrible. I was sick.

I cannot believe the way that Hearts are playing at the moment.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Sorry.

You're right. I was being a harpy.

You were a bit.

Quite a lovable one, though.

You'll be OK, you know?

As my dad always says, good things happen to good people.

I really fancy living in Merchant City.

My parents rent me this place on the South Sides.

I'd move but my mum's all like, "Janice, why waste money?"

"We give you a better deal."

She drives me nuts.

Whoa, you like your herbal teas, don't you?

Hibiscus and goji berry.

Who knew?

Beer?

Are we doing this or not?

Yeah, um, I think I've changed my mind.

You're kidding, right?

Sorry.

It's not you.

I can call you a cab.

Don't bother.

Christ, one of these days I'll actually meet a lesbian

who isn't a total fuck-up.

DOOR CLOSES

My God. I feel like shit.

Why didn't you stop me from drinking so much?

Well, I was too busy getting wasted myself.

Besides, you were numbing yourself to all their football talk.

I don't want to go to the scary rehearsal.

You'll be fine. You deserve this.

And you'll nail it.

Anyway, be thankful you have a job.

If my life gets any worse, I'll be joining the Hare Krishnas.

What is up with you?

Nothing. Everything. This bill.

That we should... we should ask Lexy to move in.

It's a no-brainer.

What's the problem? I thought you liked her.

Yeah, it's a good idea.

Unless you were intending to sleep with her again.

Tess, it was one fuck. I fuck a lot of people.

Yeah, well, you seemed pretty pally last night

and, you know, she's really nice.

I could see why you might go there again.

Seems like it's me that should be worried.

Worried about what?

Nothing. All right, I need to get ready.

You're going to help me choose what to wear.

Should I call her, then?

-Yeah, good idea.

-Yeah.

I'll cook tonight.

You can play hostess with the mostest.

I asked Ryder to come for dinner with his new girlfriend, remember?

This evening.

Oh, Cat. We blew him out before we went away.

I can't cancel again.

But don't worry. It'll be really low-key.

OK.

OK. Right, I'm going. You coming?

No, I've a couple of things to do here before I go.

OK. See you later.

-See you.

-Bye, gorgeous.

I look like one of the Waltons.

Nah, you look good, babe.

(SIGHS)

Tina got so pissed last night she lost one of her shoes.

This looked good in the shop but it was a mistake, wasn't it?

Um, do you think you could stop texting your mates and help me?

I've been waiting for weeks for this to start.

I'm sorry. I'm putting the phone down.

Stop panicking.

(SIGHS) Why do we have to have a new director?

-What if he doesn't like me? He might recast.

-Don't be silly.

Look, how hard can it be?

All you gotta do is go in there and say a few lines.

Thanks. Acting does take some skill, you know.

I'm joking! I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Sorry.

Listen, whatever happens, I still think you're hot.

Fin, Fin!

Look, for once in my life,

I'm gonna be 10 minutes early for rehearsal, OK?

OK.

Hi, I'm Tess Roberts, playing Sonya.

Tess. I'm Tess. I'm playing Sonya.

Tess Roberts. Tess Roberts, playing Sonya.

Oh, fuck.

PLAYS NOTE

Hi.

(SOFTLY) Did Alistair mention when Winrow and Baines would be in touch?

I don't know.

Are you all right?

-Do you think Frankie went home with Lexy last night?

-I don't know.

Is that what's bothering you?

I thought you were happy with Sam.

I am happy.

She's beautiful and kind and I don't want to lose her.

Look...

I feel bad saying this, right, Frankie's my mate, but...

..she's not exactly the most reliable, is she?

Do you think I wouldn't have put her behind me if I could?

What would you do?

You're asking me? (LAUGHS)

All right, well, I'd...

I'd probably keep shagging them both

and make a great, big mess.

But then, I can always be relied upon to do the wrong thing.

Who's that?

WOMAN: Someone pretty sozzled by the looks of things.

You don't think she's homeless, do you?

She might have snuck in here.

Actually, it's Tess.

Tess Roberts. She's playing Sonya.

Tess.

Tess!

What?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I got here earlier. I must have, um, drifted off.

Are these yours?

Yes. Yeah. I got them free at a club last night.

I tend to discourage alcohol in rehearsals.

No, no, no, I wasn't drinking them. Honestly.

They were in my pocket.

Um...

..I'll just... BOTTLES CLINK

OK.

Well, um, let's get some tea and let's get started.

OK. Sorry.

These things are so nerve-racking.

I always like a little tipple beforehand.

Oh, no, no, no. I wasn't drinking them, honestly.

Oh, I believe you. Thousands wouldn't.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS

OK, I thought I'd get the four of you in on your own,

because you'll be working together a lot.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hi. I'm in rehearsal.

Just a minute.

Um...why don't you all introduce yourselves?

You know what? I don't think you left the gas on.

Because you always think that but you never have...

All right, I'll kick off, shall I?

Um, I'm Nora.

Although you might have known me as Angela from Cardiac Care.

Um, although I have escaped telly.

And I've been giving my Hedda at the National.

Timothy here was my rather fantastic Lovborg.

Oh, please. You acted us all off the stage.

Nora was wonderful.

Stop it! I did not!

I'm not the one who's just been nominated for a Spanish BAFTA,

you talented bastard.

-Didn't I see you in The Seagull?

-Probably.

For the last eight years, I've played every weathered drunk going.

I'm not complaining.

Cuts down on the need for research.

What about you, Tess?

Have you done much theatre?

Ah, no, not really.

Mainly bits of telly, Casualty, The Bill, nothing very exciting.

I've got a friend who was in The Bill, maybe you know him, Johnny Stevens?

I wasn't in it for very long. I only had a tiny part, so...

Go on, amuse us. What were your lines?

Oh, I can't really remember.

Don't be a spoilsport, of course you can.

Ah, well, it wasn't really...

lines as such.

It was more like a noise.

Well, like an exhalation of air.

Um...

I was a corpse that they found in the river.

And when they pulled me out, I made like a... (EXHALES) ..sound.

Because corpses have air in them.

I've played a few corpses in my time.

If I've had a bit of a night beforehand,

they don't even need to bother with make-up.

-(LAUGHS)

-Well.

Well done, you.

From corpse to Sonya in one fell swoop, that is...

that is quite an achievement.

You must be thrilled.

Right, sorry about that.

Um...let's get going.

I thought we'd start by looking at what the play means to us all.

This was at reception for you.

Do you reckon he's talking to them now?

I don't know. Let's hope so.

What is that?

Oh, it's nothing.

Here he comes.

Ah. Excellent news.

Winrow and Baines, they LOVED your pitch.

We're on board!

RELIEVED EXHALATION

They thought you were, um, "impressively eccentric."

What did they mean by that?

Oh, I threw in a few jokes. You know what I'm like, Alistair.

Made it a bit humorous.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, well.

Whatever. We've got the work.

That's the important thing.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

Now, Jay, I want you to liaise with them direct.

Cat, you work up to Jay.

And well done!

What?

I can't help it if he recognises my superior talents.

It's not actually funny, Jay, it's discrimination.

All right, well, don't take it out on me.

Make a complaint. Or talk to him.

Actually, you know what? It doesn't matter.

Fuck it! Fuck him. I don't give a shit anymore.

I think we've covered enough ground for today.

See you back here, ah, same time tomorrow.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

HALF-HEARTED APPLAUSE Hi.

Um, what sort of sound?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sure it'll be fine.

No. No-one's ever died by using a microwave, no.

It is such a pain. I still get all this fan mail from Cardiac Care.

I've had it up to here with signing photos.

Jesus, why didn't anyone tell me I look such a fright?

Don't be ridiculous. You look as gorgeous as ever.

Don't worry, don't worry.

My hair always goes a bit Noel Edmonds when I've been in the rain.

I wasn't in the rain.

-I'm walking into town. Are you coming?

-Mm-hm.

Shit! Do you think I really offended her?

Oh, I wouldn't worry. She's just a typical wacktress.

-What?

-Wacky actress.

-Oh.

-I'd suggest we go for a drink

but seeing as my wife has run off with a baby-faced ham,

I've gotta go and buy a fucking duvet.

-See you tomorrow.

-Bye.

-Jay.

-Mm-hm...

If Alistair asks, I have a hospital appointment.

What are you up to?

I thought I'd try doing the wrong thing for a change.

I bet it wasn't as bad as you think it was.

How is my co-workers thinking I'm a loser,

rude and drunk, not as bad as I think?

Well, loads of great actors are alcoholics.

(LAUGHS) That's not funny.

It made you smile though, didn't it?

-Come here.

-(SIGHS)

Listen...

I'm so looking forward to chilling out.

DOOR BUZZES

That's gonna be the girls.

Listen, you don't mind, do you? They really want to get to know you.

Plus, they're a right laugh.

DOOR OPENS All right, girls?

Something smells good.

-Hi, Tess, how's it going?

-Hey, Tess.

I didn't think you were a football fan.

Oh, I'm...

Sometimes I, uh...

What you cooking, Fin?

-How's rehearsals?

-Good, yeah.

Does anyone need a bottle-opener?

SIREN WAILS

Didn't expect to hear from you so soon.

Did you go home with Lexy last night?

What do you care?

You know I do.

If you must know, I went home with someone else.

But I couldn't go through with it.

I can't leave Sam.

Yeah, you told me that yesterday.

We could still see each other.

If you want me,

this is the way you can have me until I've worked out what to do.

So I'm supposed to sit on the sidelines

while you continue to fuck your wife?

Forget it. It was a stupid idea.

Wait.

Someone might come down here.

It's half the buzz, isn't it?

I seem to remember you always liked the idea of being caught.

Oh, fuck that.

Just fuck me.

We can eat now, if you don't want to wait.

No. You're all right.

Yeah?

FOOTBALL GAME PLAYS ON TV They're doing OK.

They keep getting taken out by the defence.

Come on.

FIN: Oh! Oh!

ALL BARRACK AND CHEER

ALL GROAN

-See!

-See what I mean?

ALL CHEER LOUDLY

CLOSES DOOR Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I got held up on some work calls.

I have been phoning your mobile.

It's out of juice.

Um, Josie, Cat.

-Cat, Josie.

-Hi.

I'm just gonna freshen up and I'll be out in one minute.

JOSIE: This is a great place. Do you own it?

No, it's rented.

So you two are thinking of buying together?

-Yeah, maybe.

-It's a bit soon for...

-Maybe.

-..for that.

Sam said you've been chasing some big contract at work.

Yeah, we just found out today. We got it.

They're throwing a lot of money at a new development in Partick.

That is fantastic. Why didn't you say?

Because Jay's been put in charge of it.

Oh. Shit, I'm sorry, Cat.

No, I've decided to take a whole new approach.

Doing the right thing gets me nowhere,

so I've decide not to give a shit anymore.

We're out of wine. Anyone else want some more?

-I'm OK, I've got to work tomorrow.

-Me too.

All the more for me then.

She doesn't get on with the boss.

SAM KNOCKS SOFTLY Cat?

Cat, are you OK?

Might have drunk a bit too much.

Oh, Alistair is a prick.

You shouldn't let him make you so miserable.

-Sam...

-Yeah.

..I love you.

I know.