Episode 5 Love, Nina

This programme contains some strong language.

CRUNCH, GLASS SMASHES

Shit.

Shit.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

"Dear Vic, I didn't know Toffos came in boxes.

"Unless you mean a retailer's box containing many tubes.

"If that's what you mean, then, yes, I agree,

"she needs help of some kind.

"It has been a dramatic and difficult week here

"and I may have to come home."

Are the boys ready?

Um, they're just finishing their betting coupon.

-Ooh, shoes. Thank you.

-That's all right.

I do listen, sometimes.

I just think it's dangerous to drive in bare feet.

Here's the thing, though -

why on earth would the sole of a shoe make any difference?

Without shoes on, you can feel everything much better.

You don't have full control of the pedals.

I don't agree, I think I'm more likely to overdo it with shoes on.

Go faster than I intended to.

Right. Well, maybe you should drive in bare feet.

I want to do what you're comfortable with.

No, no, no, you've convinced me. Take them off.

Did you go out for petrol, by the way?

Um, no.

I was too busy looking for shoes.

I'll do it on the way.

Come on, boys!

-God, look at that.

-What?

-The car. Someone's pranged it.

Trevor Brooking!

-It must have been Malcolm.

-Why?

That's his car behind it, he's driven into the back of ours

-and not said anything.

-Bastard!

-I'm sure it wasn't him.

-I'm sure it was.

-That's exactly the sort of thing he'd do.

-Malcolm?

-Yes!

-Well, it would've been an accident, so...

-let's not say anything to him.

-Are you mad?

-We can take him to court.

-You don't take your friends to court. Come on.

-You have to if they're criminals.

-Sue him! Sue him!

-Sue him!

-Where are you going?

To tell George. She'll want to call our solicitor.

Of course she won't, she'll just sort it out with Malcolm.

He'll deny it.

When did Malcolm become this awful person who tries to deny prangs?

-He's already denied it.

-When?

He did a prang and he just cleared off without saying anything.

-Well, someone cleared off, we don't know it was him.

-It was him. Mum!

Wait for me!

THUNDER RUMBLES

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Ah, hello, everyone.

Nina. Gosh, that was a right old biff this morning.

Someone punched you.

Not really.

Was it Nanny?

-No.

-It sounded terrible.

-Much damage done?

-Ah.

-What?

-Nina pranged the car.

-That's not true, Malcolm did it.

-Me?

She reversed right into that lamppost,

-I saw her through the upstairs window.

-Should we go home?

-Unless you want to pursue this, Nina.

-Well...

-I don't think so.

-I'm lost.

-Ah.

Well, we came here to accuse you.

-We were going to sue you.

-Because Nina didn't own up.

-I would have in the end.

-Sorry to disturb you, Malcolm.

Bare feet, you see. Always telling you. There's no control.

-I was wearing shoes.

-Oh, give it a rest.

You ran in, put your shoes on after you'd pranged.

Then you took them off again because you argued about it. Bloody hell!

Well, I do still believe that bare feet are safer in theory.

-This isn't even the first prang.

-I owned up straightaway about the other one.

-I didn't think you'd forgive a second.

-Now, hold on.

You all thought that it was me who'd done it without saying anything?

Now, I can understand Nina's position,

straightforward lying for advantage.

But you three.

Oh. Very disappointed.

-Stupid Stibbe!

-Thanks a lot.

RAIN PATTERS, THUNDER RUMBLES

I made this for you.

I made a whole series of bad decisions.

-Is this you saying sorry?

-I did say sorry before.

-Oh, so there's a quota?

-No.

-Sorry.

-Don't overdo it.

I was saying sorry for not saying sorry enough.

-You won't be 20 and cute forever, you know.

-I know.

Sorry.

I don't know what to do with you.

'You know how you only started to care about Keith

'when he went off with Kim from the Conservative club?

'Well, something similar has happened to me in this job.

'I thought it was something that would do for the time being.

'But now George thinks I'm a lying idiot,

'it's all I want out of life.'

DOORBELL

-That'll be Maria-Fernanda.

-Who's Maria-Fernanda?

-Susannah's cleaner.

She's got some spare hours.

You hate cleaning, and you're absolutely useless at it.

I'm employing her.

-Maria-Fernanda?

-Senora George.

Uh... Uh, excuse me. Uh, uh...

-Book!

-Que?

-My book!

Uh...

SHE SWITCHES HOOVER OFF

It's a book. Like this. It was around somewhere,

now gone.

Um... Seamus Heaney, except Shay is spelt S-E-A,

so you might have thought it said "Seemus".

Not that that would have made any difference to where you put it.

I know who is Seamus Heaney.

"The slobber of frogspawn." Internal rhyme.

I know also what is "book".

Well, if you could keep an extra special eye on where you put things,

that would be... SHE STARTS HOOVER

..really...

It's "Shaymus".

-Three nights in a row.

-Yeah, I know.

Must be very cross with us, bloody Stibbe.

-It's not my fault.

-It's completely your fault.

No, he made it very clear,

he was disappointed in the three of you, not me.

Oh, so you don't think that the phrase "straightforward

"lying for advantage" contains even a hint of disapproval?

He found it understandable.

You three, though, you marched across the road to accuse an innocent man.

It was Max's fault. I just went along with it.

Well, how are we going to make it up to him?

He doesn't need to come for his tea every night, does he? I mean,

we've already made it up to him by cooking him 1,000 dinners.

Before it even happened.

We're his family.

Your behaviour has made him an orphan.

That's terrible! We've destroyed his life!

Well, Nina has, anyway.

And how have you fallen out with the cleaner already?

-Have I?

-She told me you treat her like a peasant.

There was a misunderstanding about the amount of English she speaks.

She didn't want to work here, you know.

I really had to persuade her. So be careful.

She lost my Seamus Heaney, though.

So? Buy another one.

It's got all my notes in it and the exam is in three days.

Well, what I say to the boys in situations like these is,

"It's in the house somewhere".

Yes, I never understand what you mean.

So, Nina, you have three jobs. You have to find your book,

you have to make things right with Malcolm,

and if you don't make things right with Maria-Fernanda...

Ooo!

I've got to pass an A level, too.

That is extracurricular.

Paradoxically.

That's quite a list. It's like the Four Tasks of Psyche.

Is it really, or are you just showing off?

No, it's relevant.

You can always learn something from the old myths.

Name one thing you've learned from a myth.

Er...most of them say, you know, never give up.

You can learn that from watching It's A Knockout.

Anyway, Psyche. What were his tasks?

Psyche was a she.

Well, that's a good start. I always thought it was a he.

"The male psyche." That's what people say, isn't it?

Yeah, there's the female psyche, too, though.

Let's stick with her, then.

I think her first task was sorting

a load of seeds into different piles.

It was supposed to be impossible, but an ant helped her.

-One ant?

-Yeah. If you're going to pick apart the Greek myths,

I wouldn't begin with ant numbers.

Insects aren't going to get me out of these, though, are they?

So, um...what else was there?

She had to get some golden wool off some rams

and some, you know, beauty cream stuff from somewhere.

-Presumably not Boots.

-The Underworld.

Same thing, if she went to Boots on Saturday.

And she had to get some water from somewhere, I remember that.

-Water?

-Well, it wasn't tap water, it was special water.

Drawn from a place that's impossible to get to.

What were the point of all these tasks? Where did they get her?

I think it was all about sex.

You say that about every piece of literature.

Because every piece of literature is about sex!

-Apart from Lord of the Flies.

-Hm.

So, none of these tasks got her anywhere?

What do you want me to say?

I want you to say that after Psyche had befriended the ants

and bought the moisturiser,

her boss decided not to fire her

and she didn't have to go back to Leicester.

And she passed her A level, went to college.

And then...I don't know,

sorted out her love life, knew where she stood, sort of thing.

She was banished to Leicester, I'm afraid.

Just outside, actually. Mansfield.

What happened to never give up?

Now I come to think of it, I think that was the myth of somebody else.

Ow!

I always land on Income Tax! I'm not going to pay.

You can't do that! George, tell him!

-Cock off, Max!

-You cock off!

WASP!

That was so deliberate! He did it on purpose!

-All right, everybody, calm down.

-You know I hate wasps, Max!

Yeah, nobody likes them.

I hate them more than anybody!

-There!

-I'll get it, I'll get it!

JOE AND MAX CHANT: Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!

-Kill the wasp!

-Kill him!

-Kill the wasp!

-Kill him!

BOTH: Kill the wasp! Kill the wasp!

-Yes!

-Good shot.

If you want to carry on playing,

you're going to have to pick this all up.

I don't want to carry on playing!

ARGUMENT FADES OUT

Found me book.

..I'm on a very shallow maternal learning curve.

NINA SIGHS An insect.

Right, Psyche, what else have you got for me?

What do we have that's golden?

-Golden syrup.

-No, I mean, golden...

Actually, that's rather brilliant.

Peace offering.

-Thank you.

-Treacle tart, your favourite.

Made with golden syrup, which was

as close as I could get to the Golden Fleece.

Why did you need to get close to the Golden Fleece?

I'd have thought the further away the better,

when it comes to puddings.

The Four Tasks of Nina, like the Four Tasks of Psyche.

I've found my book, you're second on the list.

I don't want to be a task, thank you very much.

And, anyway, why wasn't I first?

I found my book by accident, via a wasp.

You are my first deliberate attempt at task-solving.

Hm.

I'm sorry I let the others accuse you.

I'm sorry I went along with Max's suspicions.

Max?

I'm sorry I was misled by the evidence.

Well, there was no evidence.

Well, I'm sorry Stibbe didn't come clean quicker, then.

-Where's George?

-She's at work.

She wants you to come for supper tonight.

I've already bought myself a piece of cod.

And now I've got a pudding.

Er...the tart will be served at Number 55.

I'm glad that's over with.

Oh! Oh! It's just very good, Nina.

Hm!

I have to say, Greek myths are marvellous.

They're clever, but they're fun and practical, too.

Mm. That's how the Greeks should advertise them on television.

MALCOLM CHUCKLES

So, what's next?

-Maria-Fernanda.

-Mm. And is your task to make her like you?

-How did you know?

-Well, you've got a job on, I know that much.

Hm. Maria-Fernanda's hatred for Nina is well-known?

Well, only in the street. So, what on earth have you done?

I've done nothing!

I thought she couldn't understand the word "book", that's all.

And I know she can't pronounce Seamus.

Oh, well, she deserves everything she gets.

She thinks you should be doing more.

-And sometimes she says...

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-"What is girl for?"

-BUZZING STARTS

-What is girl for, actually?

It's not like I don't work!

STIFLED LAUGHTER AND SNORTING

Wow! Right, make your own lasagne, then.

Oh, dear. I'm worried about Maria-Fernanda.

We really don't want to lose her.

I shall go on a charm offensive.

You're always saying that, "I shall go on a charm offensive",

but nothing happens.

When else have I said it? BUZZING STOPS

When Mum was fed up with you the other week

after you turned all the washing green.

Do you remember when Stibbe pranged the car

and she tried to blame it on Malcolm?

-Yes.

-Boys, I've told you before,

-you can't reminisce about something that's only just happened.

-Why not?

Because when you ask the question, "Do you remember...?"

there has to be a chance that the other person has forgotten.

-We never forget anything.

-It's true, they never do.

-Neither do you.

-Me? I can't remember what I've just eaten.

So, we can never say, "Do you remember..." to each other?

Wait 30 years.

You can talk about the prang in 2013, on your videophones.

I'm sorry if none of you have ever noticed my charm offensives before,

but I can assure you, Maria-Fernanda will notice this one.

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

GEORGE TURNS VOLUME DOWN

What are you doing?

I want everything to look nice for her.

-For who?

-Maria-Fernanda.

She thinks I do nothing. Well, this isn't nothing.

No, she'll think this is an act of war. What's she going to do?

Washing, ironing...deep-cleaning.

What's deep-cleaning when it's at home?

I don't know.

Oh, hell!

All right, I can see two scenarios here.

One where Maria-Fernanda walks in,

sees what you've done and hates you.

Another when she walks in,

sees you in the middle of messing the place up again, and hates you.

I've bought her some cold cream.

What? Oh!

Beauty ointment? Like Psyche.

-What do you think?

-Well, if a woman I didn't know

took one look at me and bought me some cold cream,

I don't know if I'd be overflowing with gratitude.

-So, what should I do?

-I don't know.

Don't try and be clever. Just go out.

Any shopkeepers locally you haven't pissed off?

If so, go talk to them.

MUSIC: Goody Two Shoes by Adam Ant

Hm.

# With the heartbreak open

# So much you can't hide

# Put on a little make-up, make-up

# Make sure they get your good side good side

# If the words unspoken

# Get stuck in your throat

# Send a treasure token, token

# Write it on a pound note pound note

# Goody two, goody two Goody, goody two shoes

# Goody two, goody two Goody, goody two shoes...#

Hello, Maria-Fernanda.

Um...believe it or not, I was actually helping us both out here.

-Is good.

-Yes?

Si. More work. More work is good.

Si!

NINA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Right.

Huh-huh!

Gosh! Would you like a glass of water, Maria-Fernanda?

That's probably enough work for now, isn't it?

Um... Oooh!

Have you ever tried this, Maria-Fernanda?

Um...it says, "for the older woman" on it, but just ignore that.

Now...it's enough work.

-I think so, yes.

-For you!

Please do tell Senora George that I have ressig-ned!

Ressig-ned?

Resigned! No-no-no-no-no! You can't resign!

If you resign, she will be so angry with me, so please!

CRASH!

So this poem, Act of Union...

I know, I know. Sex. Sex, sex, sex.

No, this one's not really about sex.

Jesus Christ! Are you joking?

Act of Union.

He's talking about sex as if the man and the woman

were, you know, countries at war.

And the man is imperial and so on

and, you know, his penis is an invading army.

It's the other way around.

The other way around?

How does that work? Some sort of, um...dildo?

-No!

-No?

-NUNNEY LAUGHS

-No.

He's talking about the relationship between Britain and Ireland

as if Britain is the man taking the woman.

I think you should stick to the turkeys and the frogspawn.

I hate nature.

-What do you actually like?

-What do you mean?

You don't like being a nanny, so you want to go to college.

Er, I love being a nanny. You made me take an A level.

I made you?

-Are you serious?

-Yes.

You more or less said that if I didn't get myself to college,

I'd be of no further interest to you.

-What?!

-Yeah.

-When?

Well, you say it all the time with your body language and your eyes.

-I say you should go to college with my eyes?

-Yes.

What am I saying with my eyes now?

That I should get myself to college, or I'll be of no further interest to you.

Can I ask you what you want to do at college?

You haven't denied it, I note.

I deny it. I've never said it with my voice,

my eyes, my ears, or any other part of me.

English literature.

Except you don't like anything.

You don't like Heaney, or Hardy, or Joyce.

You weren't very keen on the Jacobeans.

You don't like nannying and you don't like studying.

You don't like me very much, half the time.

Look, I need to get this A level.

I'm worried George is going to sack me, and I can't do this forever.

You haven't denied the bit about liking me, I note.

I'm just not very good at it.

Any of it.

You don't have to be good at it.

You just have to want to do it.

Whether it's work or, you know...

..relationships.

How do I know what I want to do?

Thanks a lot(!)

No, I didn't...

(Fuck!)

That should do it.

Have you got the quiz books?

Which one do you want - football or cricket?

Is there an "Oi, Ref!" we haven't done in the football book?

I'll have a look in a sec.

Right, all set.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

MACHINE WHIRS LOUDLY

Right, a-hem!

Oi, Ref. Where is it? OK.

-NINA SHOUTS: Ready?!

-Yep.

-Right.

A dog runs onto the pitch just as a striker is taking a shot at goal.

The ball hits the dog, leaves the goalie wrong-footed

and bounces into the other corner.

-Am I the ref?

-It's called, "Oi, Ref!"

It's probably the same answer as the one about the pigeon.

I don't remember a question about a pigeon.

It was in my magazine.

The ball hit a flying pigeon and it dipped underneath the bar.

Imagine if it was a Ray Stewart penalty.

I don't know what that means!

-He has a hard shot.

-Ah!

-So, he would vaporise the pigeon, is that right?

-Yes!

And the dog? NINA GIGGLES

Right, what's the answer to this one?

I'd give a goal, but I'm afraid that the goalie and all the defenders

would get very cross with me.

-It makes me nervous.

-NINA CHUCKLES

-Right. Do you want another one?

-Yeah.

-Right.

Everything all right?

Er...number two. A player...

Maria-Fernanda hasn't turned up yet.

Sorry?

Anything to do with you?

Sorry?

A player is on his knees from a tackle which was not a foul.

And then she said to tell you that she wasn't coming back,

which I chose not to do because I knew I'd get into even more trouble.

On top of all the other troubles.

I've thought long and hard about this, George,

and I've decided to offer you my resignation.

Here's a counterproposal. I resign, you stay.

The garage called to say it's going to cost me £80 to repair the car,

I have no cleaner and my nanny is an idiot.

I think my position here is untenable. Good luck.

I'm sorry, I'm crap.

Yep. Be less crap.

Is that all you're going to say?

What do you want me to do?

There are some things you're very crap at indeed.

And I'm not sure if I can even categorise them.

Your crapness is random, always surprising,

but there's one thing I'm sure about

and that is that I'm not going to find anyone else

who's going to be able to extract the snot from Joe

while making him laugh and asking him West Ham questions.

-That's the easy bit.

-Well, actually, it isn't.

You're like a...film star, or a star footballer.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Chaotic, unreliable, self-serving and a liar.

But blessed...with an irreplaceable talent,

namely, my children love you.

No, I'm afraid there's no way out.

Not until you find your calling.

I'll do ALL the cleaning.

Cleaning is not your calling.

It's not even an area of competence.

No, Ursula VW's cleaner, Carmelita,

has offered kindly to step into the breach.

BUT I'd really appreciate it if you didn't start abusing her

or patronising her the moment she walks through the door.

Is it the exam tomorrow?

Right. Well, good luck. Go to bed.

And be less crap.

INSTRUMENTAL

Thank you.

'Dear Vic, I passed my A level.

'I got an E.

'That's the lowest grade you can get without failing.

'Nunney told me that literature would speak to me,

'but it hasn't spoken very loudly, I must say.

'I can go to college now if I want.

'It does feels as though I've turned a page and gone onto a new chapter.

'Even though I probably read the last one too quickly,

'without understanding it properly.

'Have you heard of a BLT?

'It's a new sandwich they've invented in America.

'Bacon, lettuce, tomato.

'That's the only plan I have at the moment -

'to make one and eat it.

'Love, Nina.

'PS. We now have a video-cassette player and recorder.

'You're supposed to be able to tape your favourite programmes when you're out.

'It's like science fiction.'

Was it a night game, Joe?

Yes, but they have floodlights!

Oh, Trevor Brooking! This thing's useless!