Episode 4 Love, Nina

Hold steady and down with dark.

"Dear Vic, exciting news about the patio.

"Meanwhile, my life is going backwards rather than forwards."

Lift your bottoms up to the ceiling.

No clenching.

"Just as things were taking off with Nunney,

"just as we were putting on our seatbelts

"and looking at the safety instructions..."

Watch those backs.

Point those toes.

Heels together.

And back to downward tuck.

"Anyway, he's decided to go travelling

"with his friend, Dogman.

"And I'm in the process of replacing him

"in my life with my new nanny friend, Amanda.

"Not in all ways, obviously.

"Not yet.

"Although it would be stupid to rule out all possibilities at this stage."

Now, down to...

"She wants to be an actress, so she's very flamboyant."

Well done, that's lovely and expressive.

"We've started yoga together.

"I can't tell you how awful it is."

Ugh! Ow!

You've all done really well, so you can treat yourselves to a wind-down.

We're going to start at the bottom and work our way up.

So first,

tense and relax your toes.

Good. Tense and relax your feet.

That's it.

Now, your calves.

And relax.

Don't forget to breathe.

Now your thighs.

Now your bottom.

And relax.

-NINA SUPPRESSES LAUGHTER

-Now your genitals.

NINA GIGGLES

Ladies, what just happened to Nina can happen to you

if you're very lucky.

And what a nice way to start the day.

AMANDA LAUGHS

And this is a private space,

so there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

And we're going to tense and relax our stomachs.

-She thought I'd, um...

-Yes.

Oh, God! Is that so bad?

It is, isn't it?

-Just go back in and tell her nothing happened.

-I can't do that.

-I'll go. I don't care.

-You really don't, do you?

-It didn't happen to me.

-It didn't happen to me, either.

-Except everyone thinks it did.

-Oh!

What would I be thinking if a woman I didn't know had...

wotsited in front of the whole class?

Wotsited?

I don't like the other words for it.

Do you think "wotsited" is better?

It's noncommittal.

I'd be thinking, er...

NINA SIGHS

It's actually so bad, I'm thinking about emigrating.

No, don't do that.

Not until Malcolm has helped with my audition piece.

Just knock on his door.

I don't know him, I need to knock on your door when he's there

and just drop it into the conversation casually.

Well, you'd better be quick, because I will be in Australia by Friday.

Then she said, "your genitals."

I don't see how she could've missed them out if she was going through everything.

Just because someone mentions toes and feet,

it doesn't mean you're expecting them to start going on about genitals.

I think if she'd skipped over them, it would've been the elephant in the room.

-What would?

-Nina's private parts.

An elephant?

-He doesn't mean they're enormous.

-Or grey and wrinkled.

And the trunk is an unhelpful image.

Unless she's a hermaphrodite.

Can we change the subject, please?

Thank you, Nina.

Time for Jim Rockford.

Plate.

You haven't eaten much.

Nobody's eaten much.

It's very filling.

It's the turkey mince again, isn't it?

Bloody turkey mince.

-Can we get a new bin?

-Why do we need a new bin?

-This one's old-fashioned now.

-You'll have to change it, George,

otherwise Nina's with-it friends will be sniggering behind your back.

Pippa up the road has one of those bins where

you open the cupboard door and the bin comes out

-and then the lid lifts automatically.

-Wow.

-I promise you, it's really good.

-Can we go round and see it?

-It's not that good.

-Really good but not that good?

Really good for a bin, but not really good for an evening out.

We could visit after our homework.

-I'm having the first go.

-It was my idea.

-I don't like hidden bins.

-Neither do I.

I like everything out in the open.

How Brechtian.

I found your keys.

Mm. I didn't know I'd lost them.

No, I lost them. I found them again.

Oh. What would we do without you?

So, er, what are we looking for?

Not West Ham.

Not Arsenal, not Tottenham.

Don't mind Chelsea, because they're rubbish.

If they come from outside London, not Liverpool,

not Manchester United, definitely not Leeds...

No, we talked about this,

we don't care what football team they support.

You don't, you're buggering off.

We're looking for someone that I can talk to,

which means I need to know what team they support.

You know, Max and Joe originally turned me down

because I supported Leicester.

Do you?

No, but I thought I had to say something.

Leicester are terrible. Always have been.

That wasn't the point I was making.

-You must be Ray.

-Why must I?

Because you're in a wheelchair.

Don't make trouble unnecessarily. Tom.

Hello, I'm Nunney. I'm the outgoing carer and this is our friend, Nina.

HIS friend, Nina.

So, Tom, what experience do you have in this line?

I worked with disabled adults and kids throughout sixth form

and then again during university holidays.

-What did you do at university?

-Sociology.

-Rubbish subject. Next candidate, please.

-What does that matter?

It's hard enough listening to you two drone on about literature.

What am I going to say to him?

What team do you support?

-Football?

-Oh...

I'm not so keen on the round ball game.

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

We're going to start at the bottom and work our way up.

So, tense and relax your toes.

Good.

Tense and relax your feet.

That's it.

And now your calves, and relax.

And your thighs, and relax.

Now your bottom.

And relax.

Now your genitals.

No luck today, Nina?

Never mind.

Now, relax your hips.

-AMANDA LAUGHS

-And tense and relax your stomach.

Nina!

No, I can't come again.

Please, don't.

Why don't you just ask her not to do that bit?

-I'm not going to tell her what she can and can't do in her own lesson, am I?

-This is ridiculous.

No, don't!

What did she say?

She says she quite understands after last time.

Nothing happened last time. Did you tell her that?

No, I didn't want her to know that every time someone says the word "genitals",

you start giggling.

Anyway, she was very sympathetic

and she says she'll avoid that particular part next time.

-Everyone will know why.

-I'm going to miss it,

I don't often give those parts the quiet contemplation they deserve.

Nobody's stopping you, but would you mind doing it in private?

You don't even want anyone thinking about them near you,

that's got to be the definition of prudishness.

What if she was quietly contemplating?

Please, will you stop it?

AMANDA LAUGHS

-Are you just going to stay in there all day?

-Yes, see you later.

-Bye.

-Bye!

Oh, I see. That's rather good.

Where did you get it from?

Nunney gave it to me. He doesn't need it any more.

Nunney's getting rid of stuff before he goes away.

Well, it's another ballpoint gone. Must be a weight off his mind.

I'm glad he's getting rid of it.

I didn't want to see it every time I went round.

He showed it to you every time you went round?

Is that Nunney's idea of seduction?

Why does everything have to be about sex nowadays?

What else is about sex, apart from this pen?

-Well, the yoga, for a start.

-Is it really about sex?

Or does she just refer to your sexual parts?

Well, it's the same thing.

Sex and sexual parts are the same thing to you?

Yes. Like legs and walking.

You might not be doing it all the time, but it's why they're there.

-That and football.

-Well, football's just a variety of walking.

I wonder what the sexual equivalent of football would be.

Yes, perhaps you can wonder at home later.

What you're saying is that

because they're sexual parts, you should never, ever mention them.

Well, if there's no need.

When is there a need?

I don't know, er...

at the doctor's, say?

Nina's right. There's less shame now.

It is Thatcher's fault.

People just don't care.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll go.

Well, there is definitely more shame in Leicester.

-There's a lot more to be ashamed of up there.

-Because of relegation.

No, not because of relegation.

-Why does everything have to be about football?

-Or sex?

Oh, hello, Amanda.

Nice to see you. Are you two going out for a drink?

I've come to see Malcolm.

I want him to look at my thing.

SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER

She's not talking about, um, her sexual part.

Oh, that's where you're wrong.

My drama school audition is a sexual part.

-Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire.

-Oh, very good.

-And I want you to give me advice on my audition.

-Oh...

How are you, Amanda?

I'm fine. A bit stiff after our yoga.

-Did Nina tell you what happened?

-We don't need to go into all that.

All what?

Nothing.

(The elephant.)

What's the elephant?

It's what we call Nina's private parts.

It is NOT what we call my private parts.

She's thinking about emigrating now.

Oh, I didn't realise that being asked

to contemplate your sexual organs was an immigration issue.

I don't think she's told you the whole story.

Because it's not worth talking about.

The yoga teacher thought Nina had...

You know...

..with all the tensing and relaxing?

-MAX:

-She pooed?

-Of course I didn't poo! I just...

-I made a noise because I was trying not to laugh.

-What sort of noise?

It was just a...

SHE GRUNTS AND SQUEALS

It was a bit more than that, it was more like...

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING

It was nothing like that.

Oh, dear, I actually think that emigration would be

the appropriate response.

-I still don't get it.

-It's porno stuff.

No, it is NOT porno stuff.

There is nothing pornographic about a woman's orgasm.

-Oh! Eww!

-Trevor Brooking!

-La-la-la-la... I'm not listening!

-Trevor Brooking... Trevor Brooking!

-La-la-la!

-Trevor Brooking!

-Eww!

I don't know why you think I'd be any good.

You've written plays

and you're the only living playwright I have access to.

I wish you'd called on one of the dead ones.

-But... Go on, then.

-Uh, I'm going to be performing a monologue...

..by Blanche DuBois...

-SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-..from A Streetcar Named Desire.

-Yeah, I'd-I'd save the accent for the piece, if I were you.

-OK.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-WITH ACCENT:

-When people are soft...

..soft people have got to court the favour of...hard ones, Stella.

Just... Just... Just lose the accent altogether, in fact.

Um... I've-I've got to be seductive...

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Put on soft colours,

the colours of butterfly wings and glow...

Yeah, m-maybe just... try the accent again.

OK. Um...

-WITH ACCENT:

-M-Make... Make a little temporary magic.

Just in order to pay...

..for one night's shelter...

-Excuse me...

-..that...

They symbolise her mental disintegration.

Well, would you mind symbolising by, um,

I don't know, waving them around gently?

-WITH ACCENT:

-That's why...

-NORMAL VOICE:

-No, I'll just look mad.

I'm not sure you've-you've quite got the hang of this acting lark.

Can I go on?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-WITH ACCENT:

-I've run for protection, Stella,

from under one leaky roof to another leaky roof

because it was storm...all storm,

and I was caught in the centre.

People don't see you...

Men don't...

..don't even admit your existence unless...

..they are making love to you.

"Dear Vic, nobody has any shame except me.

"Everyone does what they feel like doing, whenever they want.

"Amanda - nanny friend from up the road -

"asked Malcolm to listen to her audition piece for drama school

"and then behaved like a lunatic!"

A bit much at the end there?

"The yoga teacher keeps shouting things out about our genitals

"for no reason...

"And then there's Nunney, going where he wants, when he wants.

"That probably isn't shameless, as such,

"but it feels selfish and unfeeling.

"I thought he might change his mind because of our situation, but no.

"Anyway, talking of shamelessness...

"did Margaret in your office

"ever come clean about the chocolate digestives?"

NUNNEY CHATS QUIETLY

-So, Robert...

-It's Robber.

Robber?

-Like a...thief... I thought you said Robert on the phone.

-No, Robber.

-Why are you called that?

-You know what they say...

Not all of it! SHE CHUCKLES

He who asks no questions gets told no lies.

Hm.

Ah... I... I suppose it would be remiss of us

if we didn't ask whether you're called Robber because of robbing?

Well, that's a question.

-Yep.

-So now what do you want me to do?

OK, this whole asking no questions thing,

does it apply to job interviews as well?

That's the beauty of it, it's across the board. It's a proper rule.

It's not like I before E, except after C, or any...all of that.

-Yeah? There's no except.

-What team do you support?

-Oh, don't ask, Ray, he won't tell you the truth.

-Of course I will.

Oh, well, there's an exception straightaway.

-Have a guess.

-Not Arsenal?

-God, no.

-Not Spurs?

-Keep going.

No, can we not go through

every football team in the world again, please?

It would be really helpful, um, Robber,

if you just told him and we-we just moved on.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

-D'you come with the job?

-ROBBER WHEEZES

I suppose she does. She is Nunney's girlfriend at the moment,

but he's buggering off, so...

There's so much in that I take exception to.

Like what?

You don't come with the job, for a start.

That's not so many things, though, is it?

That's one thing and, um, yes, you are buggering off,

which only leaves the thorny topic of our status.

Would you two mind if I carried on with the interview?

-Come on, Robber, who do you support?

-The pride of New Cross - Millwall!

Yes! You've got the job.

-No, we've got more people to meet.

-No, we don't.

-Pleasure doing business with you.

-You too.

And we'll work out your hours when I start.

HE LAUGHS

-DOOR CLOSES

-And you're absolutely sure he's not Robert?

He corrected us.

It would be funny if he were ACTUALLY a robber.

Maybe that's the point of Nina's story.

-He's ACTUALLY a robber called Robber?

-Well, not officially.

It's just that we're not sure which parts are unofficial.

-Well, I don't want him coming to our house.

-Well, why should he?

-Nunney comes round here all the time.

-Not you as well? Right.

Will everybody please get into their heads

that Nunney's replacement does not automatically get

Nunney's girlfriend.

Ah, not automatically?

-MAX:

-What's he going to steal from YOU, anyway?

-JOE:

-Nothing, I'm going to hide it all.

-Everybody leaves.

-What does that mean?

Nunney - 9460981...

Nunney is coming back and then you'll be at university,

about four stops away on the Northern Line.

And 946 lives in Ladbroke Grove,

and will you please stop calling your father by his phone number?

You see him every weekend.

At least Malcolm isn't going anywhere.

He'll still be complaining about Nina's cooking when you're 90.

Except he won't, will he? Because he'll be dead.

-Oh, break it to me gently(!)

-Sorry, Malcolm, but it's true.

Why can't everything stay exactly the same?

I agree. There's no need for change.

-Why do we need any more than we already have? WE are happy.

-Exactly.

Why does Nunney have to go trudging round Vietnam getting smelly?

And why does Amanda have to go to drama school?

We have a perfectly good life, why can't we just enjoy it?

I'm going to hide my things from Robber.

NINA SIGHS Bloody Robber!

I don't think Robber's to blame

for the pitiless impermanence of the universe.

Well, he doesn't help.

NUNNEY TUNES GUITAR

Blanche DuBois thinks men only notice her during sex.

Blanche DuBois, the made-up person from the Marlon Brando film?

-It was a play first.

-Wasn't she a bit of a scrubber?

Yeah, but...only because she wanted her existence admitted.

I admitted it in the Blanche DuBois sense, very recently.

Yeah, well... Now you're tuning your guitar and...

And...then you're going backpacking and then you're going to university.

Is this hard work, this chat?

If it was hard work,

I wouldn't be able to tune my guitar at the same time, would I?

I will admit your existence in Vietnam and at university.

In spite of all the university girls?

-What have university girls got that you haven't?

-A levels and degrees.

Is that what this is about? Your education?

Well, so be a university girl!

-Is that supposed to make me feel better?

-What?

You saying I'm uneducated.

-What would have been the right thing to say?

-That I'm NOT uneducated.

-You are NOT uneducated.

-But I AM, though!

-Oh!

OK, you're very clever, but you have no plans to get a degree.

-That better?

-Not much.

D'you really think I could go to university?

Of course. Maybe not Cambridge with one A level, but somewhere.

That wrong too?

-I can't go.

-Why?

Because then that'll show that nothing stays the same.

-Nothing does stay the same.

-Yes, but I don't want Joe to know that.

Oh, right, well, you'll have to do

the same thing forever then, won't you?

HE STRUMS CHORDS ON GUITAR

-It's a heart.

-That is not a heart.

It's upside down, look.

No... Those are his balls.

-Oh, yes, I see now.

-Whose balls?

-Well, whoever drew it.

-You think he's drawn his own penis?

-Sexist! Might not even be a he.

-Oh, it's a he, all right.

-How can you be so sure?

Well... Women don't go around drawing penises on front doorsteps.

-What do women draw, elephants?

-Women don't draw anything.

-Really?

-I mean, sexual organs, graffiti.

We don't know that's true.

What, you really think there's a woman somewhere that would draw dicks on steps?

-What about boobs?

-Why would you want to draw boobs on steps,

if you were a woman?

Well, you could say the same about men and...penises.

Oh, this sounds interesting(!)

Mm. George was trying to persuade us that THIS was a heart.

Well, you have to say, she thinks the best of people.

Also, she's been telling us

that no woman has ever drawn sexual organs on a wall.

-I didn't say no woman ever.

-You actually did say that, Mum.

I simply meant a statistically insignificant number.

-Did this happen under Labour?

-It wasn't even there yesterday.

But did people draw penises on walls under Labour?

-MALCOLM:

-Not that I can remember.

-What's going on?

There's a penis on our step!

There isn't much to do around here.

-RAY:

-Oh, he's done one on yours as well?

-Who?

-Robber, we've had to let him go.

He's been doing it up and down the street in protest.

-How did you know it was him?

-He watched him do it.

-And why did you let him go?

-He's mad.

He was mad when you gave him the job, Ray.

I was going to show him the ropes and he turned up stoned and abusive.

-So now what?

-Nunney's staying.

-JOE AND MAX CHEER

-Everything's going to be the same!

"Dear Vic, good news about the driving lessons.

"I wondered whether you'd ever get round to it.

"But even people you know and love, or at least like,

"or are maybe just confused about,

"can end up surprising you, can't they?"

Why, hello, Joe!

"I'm not talking about you, of course,

"apart from the bit about the driving lessons."

-You all done?

-Yep.

Come on, Max.

-Do I have to?

-Yep.

"As you may have guessed by now, it's Nunney who has surprised me.

"He isn't going backpacking because he's decided to stay

"and look after Ray until they find a suitable replacement.

"Also, I have surprised myself.

"I'm thinking about going to university if I pass my A level...

"I haven't told Joe yet because we agreed that people like Nunney,

"who do what they want whenever they feel like it, are...shameless

"and only think of themselves.

"It's funny how things turn out.

"Love, Nina."

"PS, on Tuesday, I took Joe for his weekly swim."

-How was it?

-Fine, but my trust is lost.

Why?

Why don't you just jump in?

I don't like jumping in.

I like to take my time.

Well, you could just jump in like the other kids.

No, I'm... I'm going to use the ladder.

HE SCREAMS

HE YELLS

-Joe?

-I'm going to get you, Stibbe!