Episode 3 Love, Nina

This programme contains some strong language.

'Dear Vic, thanks for the fish pie recipe.

'The news from here is that there have been developments with Nunney,

'and it turns out that it's not a good idea to sleep with someone

'who lives three doors away. It's really bloody awkward, in fact.

'I bump into him all the time,

'and he hardly makes eye contact.

'The sad news is that Joe has been really poorly again

'so, unfortunately, I've had plenty of time

'to read the wretched books Nunney lent me.'

RADIO TUNING

-RADIO:

-'So, there's a tense day's cricket ahead of us here.

'Yes, if they can repeat any of that form from the Oval, then...'

Right, now, remember, if anything happens

and you get too excited, we'll have to turn it off.

So I can only listen as long as it's boring?

That's about the size of it.

-RADIO:

-'Yes, what a phenomenal stroke!

'But now, you know, they just need to stay there

'for the rest of the day.

'Gower getting close to his century, so there's still hope.'

Sounds like you'll be all right for a while.

'He lifts his bat, still fighting for a draw.

'Jones runs in.

'Oh, my goodness me, he's bowled it!

'It was never going to happen, really, was it?

'So, Taylor undone by a brilliant piece of cricket...'

-That exciting?

-No.

'And that's the last of the resistance, you would have to say.

'That's the way it goes. Well played, New Zealand.'

Oh, Trevor Brooking! And Ian Botham!

Sorry, Joe.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Let's read.

Enoch Blyton?

Yeah...

Yeah!

It's a, um... It's a Diggory Venn adventure.

Diggory Venn? I don't know him.

Classic Enoch name, though.

Yes. Diggory Venn is a reddleman.

-What?

-I said, Diggory Venn is a reddleman.

That's what I thought you said.

-A reddleman?

-A reddleman is a chap who paints sheep...red.

-For fun?

-No, it's his job.

Brilliant! That's my future sorted out, then.

Finally.

SHEEP BLEAT

'No, this is olden times, though.'

HE SIGHS

Oh, hell! Are we going to read an olden-times Blyton?

Yeah. OK.

So, Diggory Venn, the reddleman, he's in love with Thomasin.

Diggory and Thomasin?

-Yes.

-This isn't actually Blyton, is it?

No.

It's a book Nunney lent me.

-It's rubbish.

-Yes, I know.

It's full of stupid plot twists and ridiculous coincidences,

and I hate it! What am I going to do?

Why do you have to read the books that Nunney gives you?

-I want him to think I'm clever.

-Oh, I get it!

You want to read it to me so I can explain it to you.

I'm very good at English.

SHE CHUCKLES

I don't know why you're laughing.

I'm offering you a good deal.

Right, so, there's...there's... there's Diggory and Thomasin,

and then there's Clym and Eustacia.

Oh, hell. Look, do you mind if I explain it all another time?

No.

I understand.

-A Barney mystery?

-Yes, please.

And do you know what?

I wouldn't read that Diggory Venn, the reddleman, even if

Trevor Brooking lent to me.

-Is that likely?

-He's very clever.

He got 11 O levels and two A levels.

That's more than I've got.

-Are you ready?

-Mm-hm.

"Four children were singing at the tops of their voices

"in a car that was going up a steep mountainside road..."

NINA SIGHS

-My turn?

-He's having a nap.

I'm quite worried about him.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Yes, I see you're worried.

But you're not?

I'm not sure "worried" is the right word.

This is his condition.

He has frequent health crises, the inevitability of eye damage,

sight problems when he's older.

Do I think it's awful? Yes, I think it's awful.

Do I feel helpless and wretched?

Yes, I feel helpless and wretched.

Do I worry? Uh, I suppose worry is in there somewhere.

But it gets lost amidst all the other stuff and, anyway,

it's the least powerful and least useful of my feelings.

But I'm glad you're worrying for both of us.

Thank you, that's very helpful.

-Oh, fuck!

-CAT MIAOWS

Fuck that fucking thing!

Why do we even have a cat?

Who in this house gets a single fucking second of pleasure from it?

-Thanks.

-Bye.

-Bye.

"Adult cat wanted. Neutered."

-So, was she interested when you spoke to her?

-Do we know it's a her?

Anyway, I haven't done anything about it yet.

I thought we should talk to the boys.

Are you mad? Someone is going to beat us to it.

No-one wants their cat. Phone her this second.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

ENGAGED TONE

-Engaged.

-Told you, someone's beat us to it.

Oh, bloody hell. Keep trying.

Zero...

ROTARY PHONE DIALS OUT

What's in there?

Erm, Lucas.

-Dead?

-No, no.

He's going to live somewhere else.

You mean heaven? How old do you think I am?

Honestly, he really is going to live somewhere else.

-He's not dead.

-He's being transferred?

Poor old Lucas.

He'll have a nice time where he's going.

Did someone put in a big offer,

or are we just getting him off the wage bill because he's hopeless?

Um, I suppose it's the latter.

He's hopeless.

Lucas Bunt, the big fat runt.

That's not very nice.

I'm just calling him names. You're actually chucking him out.

No, I'm not... I'm not chucking him out, exactly.

We're just... We are helping him to be happier...

somewhere else.

So why was he hopeless? What did he do wrong?

It wasn't that he did anything wrong, exactly, he just...

He didn't do enough right.

Did you enjoy his company?

He's a cat.

Well, exactly. All take, no give.

Like Joe. That's who I would have got rid of.

Well, that really isn't very nice because he can't help being ill.

No, I like him when he's ill - he's upstairs.

It's when he's well that he's really annoying.

Can I come with you?

I'll go and tell your mother. Keep an eye on Lucas for me.

George! >

I think he IS dead now.

I don't like looking after dead things.

No.

CAT MIAOWS

See? Fit as a fiddle.

MEOWING CONTINUES

-There it is.

-Great.

OK.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Can I help you?

We've come with the cat.

Oh, yes.

Could I have a look at him?

I don't want him to make himself at home if he's not right.

Oh, are you seeing others, or...?

-Only one or two.

-Right.

I didn't realise it was an interview situation.

Well, it isn't, really. I wouldn't know what to ask a cat.

Erm, right, I'll hold the box, you open it up.

Are you sure he's not dead?

-Yes!

-Is he unwell?

No, no, no! He's as fit as a fiddle.

Max is just being really, really stupid and unhelpful.

Open it.

Oh, what's his name?

-Lucas.

-Lu... I'll be calling him Johnny, if that's OK.

Hello, Johnny!

I lost my best friend, you see.

-Was it a cat?

-Yeah.

Johnny.

-I'm sorry.

-He was 18.

What's that in cat years?

I was talking in cat years.

If Johnny had been a dog, he would have been a lot older.

Would he still be dead, though? How do you work it out?

Well, Johnny got run over, so I suppose so.

He would have been on a lead, though, if he were a dog.

Stop now, Max!

Oh, you are just as handsome as other Johnny, aren't you, Johnny?

SHE BLOWS KISSES

Why don't you want to keep him?

All take, no give.

-I don't mind that.

-Just as well.

Thank you for bringing him.

Give me a call in a day or two when I've seen the others

to find out if your application has been successful.

But I CAN tell you that Johnny is a very strong candidate.

SHE MOUTHS

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

Bye...

Christ's sake! We have to go all the way home with this box now.

She shouldn't have started calling him Johnny

if she's not going to make her mind up. He'll be confused now.

They can cope. Come on.

Right.

What's wrong now?

What do you mean, now?

It makes it sound as if there's always something wrong.

Not always, just often.

Well, I have questions,

and they're not complaints.

May I ask one of them?

One.

Well, this mince in the sauce...

Yeah, I knew he was going to say something about that.

-What about it?

-Well, from which animal does it derive?

-Urgh!

-What's the matter?

-You couldn't give Lucas away

so you had to go and cook him! Urgh!

We're eating Lucas?

Don't be so daft, Max. You can't eat cat.

That's not the reason why we're not eating him.

Even if we could, we wouldn't.

Why on earth do you think we're eating the cat, Max?

Because Stibbe tried to give him away and the old lady said no,

and I haven't seen him since we came back

and now we are eating Bolognese which isn't made of Bolognese.

-It's turkey.

-Is it really?!

That's very surprising.

It's delicious.

Why are we giving Lucas away?

Erm, well...

an old lady has just lost her cat.

She would very much like a new one.

Yeah. We don't think we get much value out of Lucas.

Well, we're getting value out of him now. He's tastier than he looked.

-Please, Malcolm. He's joking, boys.

-Well, he's not funny.

HE MOUTHS

The new owner wants to call him Johnny.

I love Lucas.

You do not love Lucas.

I'm used to him, then. I don't want him to go anywhere.

We can't give him away.

-It's Buckaroo all over again.

-Oh, don't start him off on Buckaroo.

We don't know he's going anywhere yet.

-She's seeing a couple of others.

-What, she's interviewing?

She's just having a look and a stroke, really.

PHONE RINGS

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Hello.

Hello, Mrs Peyton.

Yes.

Well... No.

No fun at all.

I mean, if a cat can't purr AND it has adenoids, well,

you might as well get yourself a husband.

No, no, I didn't mean instead of Lucas slash Johnny.

Well, that's lovely.

Yes, we'll see you, then.

Thank you, bye.

Yes!

-Oh, hello. How funny. What a coincidence.

-What is?

I was just thinking about you, and here you are.

Small world, Primrose Hill, isn't it?

Yeah.

-See you.

-Bye.

MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh, hi, Nunney.

-Hello, Ray.

-Hello, everyone.

-RAY:

-Trevor Brooking is rubbish.

We can't go on meeting like this.

I think we will, while we live three doors away from each other.

It's just an expression.

I'm aware, I'm just pointing it's inappropriate in this context.

I was just being jokey.

I mean, of course we are going to keep bumping into...

Oh, my God.

What?

You don't think that's weird?

It's cheese and tomato pizza.

Everyone eats cheese and tomato pizza.

-Or ham.

-Well, it's one or the other.

50-50. No-one likes the Hawaiian one with all the pineapple.

But at exactly the same time, two people who've...slept together...

This is our local supermarket.

And our, whatever, relationship,

it's sort of locally based, isn't it?

Why don't you want to admit that coincidences, that they do happen?

I'm just trying to introduce a note of mathematical probability.

Been reading your book, Return Of The Native.

How are you getting on?

Well, I...

Are you free after this?

Don't fancy going for a stroll, do you?

-A stroll?

-Is that like asking if you've got any hobbies?

No, it's just a bit like Brideshead Revisited, isn't it?

-Never watched Brideshead.

-It was a book first.

-Christ!

Forget it!

-Bloody hell!

-George is obsessed with turkey mince.

Oh, listen, I'm sorry, I would love to go for a stroll.

I thought you'd be interested in the coincidences.

You gave me the wretched book.

I am! I mean, the newsagent one wasn't that...

No, you're right, they're all spooky.

-Do you want a hand?

-No.

-OK.

-George said this would happen.

-What?

-The murkiness.

-Where is there murkiness?

-Between us.

-What, do you mean because of...?

-Yes.

I'm not like that.

-Like what?

-I'm not...murky. I've slept with three people,

and I'm very good friends with the other two.

-Well, great, bully for you!

-What about you?

I'm not going to divulge numbers,

but I never want to see the others ever again.

Oh, right. So, actually, you're the murky party.

If you have to apportion blame.

So, what do you think of Hardy?

All right. Too many coincidences.

-Ironically.

-Wouldn't write about them in a novel, though.

That was one of my A level questions.

"Discuss the role of coincidence in Return Of The Native."

-What did you say?

-Didn't choose that one.

-What else was there?

-Erm,

"Return Of The Native has been described as

"Hardy's most modern novel.

-"Do you agree?"

-No. Unless he wrote it after all the others,

then it would be, wouldn't it?

Well, he didn't. So what would you say

if you had to answer that question?

I'd say, "Lead me to the nearest reddleman."

-You're a natural.

-I'm not, though, am I?

I don't know what to say about books.

Maybe these people are more like you than you think.

Like me?

Yeah, it's a good way into books.

You look for the parts that make sense to you,

the characters you know from your own life, their complications.

I don't know any characters from my own life.

Not complicated ones, anyway.

I'm a bloody nanny!

Maybe you won't be for ever.

SHE SIGHS Yeah.

I'd better go and start tea.

THUDDING

What are you doing?

Freezing all this wretched turkey mince.

How much did you buy?

16 packets, like you told me.

Of course I didn't tell you to buy 16 packets!

You wrote it down on a piece of paper.

It actually said 116 but I presumed you couldn't have meant that.

There.

No, that is 1 lb - one pound,

not 116, you berk.

Fucking hell! That's the final straw.

-Right, what's the matter?

-I don't get literature...or men.

You can forget about the latter, there's nothing there to get.

Books, more complicated.

What are you reading?

Not much, just the first few chapters of Return Of The Native.

Well, maybe Hardy isn't for you.

Well, why shouldn't he be, if he's for you and Nunney?

All I'm saying is that he isn't for everyone,

and it's no reflection on you if you don't respond.

I'm going to make myself respond, even if it kills me.

THUDDING

Is this about Nunney?

Nunney, you, Malcolm - you are all responding away.

It pisses me off.

FRIDGE DOOR SLAMS

'Dear Vic, do you think that literature

'connects to our everyday lives?

'When I was trying to persuade Joe that he wouldn't miss Lucas the cat

'and that he'd be much happier with Mrs Peyton...'

Joe!

'..I thought, no, Thomas Hardy has absolutely nothing to do with me.

'Nunney says he does but, honestly, on an average day,

'it's pretty hard to see how.'

-TV:

-'..Physics and life sciences,

'Galileo 2 is one of the nation's leading facilities

'for remote sensing.'

I'm not feeling very well.

Oh, bubba.

-Do you need to poo?

-No.

'And then Joe had one of his crises,

'and everything seemed very bleak and windswept.

'They often start after mealtimes and can be very frightening.'

Can you fetch my valium, please, from my bedside drawer?

'And quite often he gets better as quickly as he got ill...'

Oh, we're back in 5D.

'..and we all feel a bit embarrassed about the fuss we've caused.'

You had a turn.

-I'm OK now.

-You haven't even seen the doctor yet.

-Oh, don't do this again.

-I can't help it.

No, I know you can't help the getting ill bit,

but I wish you wouldn't get better quite so quickly.

They must think I'm a complete nutcase.

At least when the doctor comes in,

-could you pretend to be a bit floppy?

-Can I be...?

What is it when you start thinking you're in a tent

in the middle of the Sahara and Bergerac

puts his head through the flap?

Delirious? Mm.

Don't overdo it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

How's he doing?

Um, about the same.

Maybe a little better.

-This has happened before?

-Yes,

his condition means he's suddenly prone to very high temperatures.

Lucas Bunt, the big fat runt.

-What's he saying?

-Oh, it's just rubbish.

Lucas Bunt, the big fat runt!

Lucas is the family cat.

You'll be seeing Lucas later, old chap.

No, Lucas gone...

We just lent Lucas to someone else for a couple of days.

A lonely old woman who's just lost her best friend.

-A cat.

-Just borrowed?

Oh, speak properly.

I know he's ill, but he can do better than that.

Well...I'm sure high standards are important at all times.

Can we see him again after the weekend?

Lucas will be back by then.

I'll be feeling much better, I'm sure.

I'm not joking about the Buckaroo.

Oh, will you let it go?

Isn't it enough we've agreed to mug an old lady?

Mrs Browning was running the toy stall at the school fair.

She'll remember who bought it.

Why don't you just ask for a new Buckaroo for your birthday?

It would be a waste of a present. I never played it.

You showed no interest in that cat, ever.

When was the last time you fed him?

I love him! He's a member of the family.

You can't just give away members of the family.

Hmm, first they came for the socialists

and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.

-I thought we were.

-No, I meant, are you worried you'll be next?

-You wouldn't.

-I might.

I might give you to the old lady instead of Lucas.

Would she change my name?

-Probably.

-Well, if it brings Lucas back,

I'll change my name to Trevor.

By the way, you are the one that's going to knock on the door tomorrow

because you're the one that caved in to him.

No, I'm afraid that's why I employ you. I'm a busy working mother.

I can't be knocking on doors, reclaiming cats.

He's happy to be home, you can tell.

-MALCOLM:

-Well, he certainly enjoys the turkey mince...more than we did.

-We don't have to have it every night.

-Actually, we do.

My own view is that it's more successful disguised

in a Bolognese sauce.

Thank you for that.

-Oh, I thought you liked feedback.

-Why did you think that?

Max, do you fancy a game of Buckaroo before University Challenge?

I suppose we might as well play it once.

Well, I couldn't see how that was going to work but it has.

Where did you get it from?

It's Mrs Peyton's rejected candidate.

What, the one with the adenoids that can't purr?

Mm-hm. The owners could not believe that we wanted it.

-We don't.

-He doesn't look anything like Lucas.

-I can't believe they've fallen for it.

-They know it's not him.

-Really?

-Yeah, they're not idiots.

Why are they pretending, then?

Well, Joe knew he couldn't break that old lady's heart

and wanted to give you credit for making the effort.

That's quite complicated.

People are.

I've had a breakthrough with Return Of The Native.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-I've changed my mind.

-About what?

-Hardy, books, the whole caboodle.

You have to interpret people.

You don't always know what's going on.

There's what they say and then there's what they do

and then there's the stuff underneath,

and literature is about the stuff underneath.

Wow, I hadn't expected my prescription to work so quickly.

Or at all, frankly.

Well, thanks a lot. Anyway, what should I read next?

Erm, maybe you should try Jude The Obscure.

Read it with your new clever eyes.

-Who's that by?

-That's another Hardy.

Oh, right. He's a bit like turkey mince, I find -

you need a break every now and again.

-<

-Ask her in if you have to.

-<

-Don't stand on the doorstep all day talking about this rubbish!

'Anyway, the thing about Hardy

'is that he writes about ordinary people, peasants and so on -

'people like Auntie Josie, I suppose -

'and he gives them this inner life.

'It's hard to imagine Auntie Josie with an inner life, isn't it?

'But Hardy seems to think she may have one.

'To cut a long story short, Auntie Josie and Thomas Hardy have led me,

'in a roundabout way, to a big decision.

'I'm going to take an A level.

'Blimey! Love, Nina.

'PS, George says she keeps being ambushed by a loose paving slab

'on the crescent near the house.

'I painted it red so she wouldn't trip on it any more...'

Fuck!

'..but I painted the wrong one.'

Nina!