Dress to Impress Moving On

A nice bit of cholesterol, that, love.

Says the man who can't leave the ale alone.

-Just a couple of pints after work!

-Oh, a couple?

-A couple!

What time's kick off?

Would you believe three? What about you, what are you doing today?

-Shopping.

-Go on!

Funny. Go on, give our Daniel a shout. Tell him his breakfast's ready.

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

You're on that thing morning, noon and night.

-Food!

-Privacy!

-Mum?

-Yes, love.

-I pay my keep, right?

I know it's only a part-time job, but I still pay?

-Yeah.

-Well, when does that room I stay in become mine?

-I don't get you.

-Oh, here we go...

-What have you done now?

-Nothing!

So anyone can just, like, barge in when they want?

You're supposed to knock.

He's always on the computer, he never would have heard me!

I'd have heard a knock.

-Happy birthday, Dad!

-Thanks.

-You've no manners, you know that.

-It's

-my

-house!

-It's his room!

Oh, I'm getting ready for the match.

But you've loads of time yet.

-Pub first.

-Go 'way!

Yeah, I need a pint.

Three hours?

Must be some pint, that.

-I knew I should never have married you.

-My mum warned me.

Wish she'd have bloody warned me.

Excuse me!

You going out?

Yeah, yeah. Might buy myself something.

-D'you want me to come?

-No... I mean,

you'll be bored after ten minutes.

-What time you gonna be in then?

-Why do you want to know what time we're in and out?

I'm just showing a bit of interest in my parents, that's all.

-Have you got a girl coming back?

-No.

Well, if you do, just make sure your room's tidy.

-(He's gonna bring a girl back!)

-(Just shut up!)

Thanks for that, son!

OK, I'll see you later.

-Yeah.

-I'll text you when I'm coming home so you can...

What?

Well, you know... make yourself decent.

-Mum! Just go out, will you!

-OK.

All the best, lad.

-Oh, erm, thanks very much...

-Number 18, Jake?

-How did you know?

-Shall I put you down for 18?

-Laura mentioned it.

Laura? 18, yeah.

Yeah, I was in her shop the other day, you know.

It's the other side of town, though, innit?

-D'you wanna go?

-No.

-Yeah, I was working over there, you know, central heating job.

-Oh, yeah.

Why don't you ever play the spot the ball, Les?

I like to keep an eye on my cash.

And the ladies. Don't like him.

Doesn't bother me.

Just watch the sleaze with your Laura.

They know each other from school.

-He fancies her rotten.

-He fancies everything with a pulse.

Laura's got a pulse.

Yeah. But it's my finger on it.

-Shall we go then, yeah?

-Yeah. Come on, drink up.

-Er... me season ticket!

-You haven't left it at home, have you?!

-Yeah, I think I have.

-You're such a dope!

-It's all right, we'll pick it up on the way, I'll get a taxi.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

Dan!

I left me season ticket, Dan.

Oh, what!

Oh. Genius!

Oh, oh, what.

Oh, you are kidding me!

Happy birthday to me!

CAR HORN

Yeah, all right, all right!

-Did you catch her with the milkman?

-The milkman had no chance.

Happy birthday, Jakey boy. Come on!

Fill your boots! I know what I'm getting for me birthday this year! Yes!

Hey, would you go the chippy for us while I get ready.

-Yeah.

-Get me a fish, and get yourself whatever you want.

I don't know what I'm going to wear, you know, I couldn't find anything in town.

# He saw a sign for a stock car race

# A thousand dollar prize, it read

# He couldn't get Laura on the phone

# So to her mother, Tommy said

# Tell Laura I love her

# Tell Laura I need her

# Tell Laura I may be late

# There's something to do

# That just won't wait. #

# Sometimes it's hard to be a woman

# Giving all your love to just one man

# You'll have the bad times

# And you'll have the good times

# Doing things you don't understand

# And if you love him, you'll forgive him...

Nice song, Les.

Yeah. She's good.

I meant yours.

Ah, just a bit of fun.

Really hope so.

Just a bit of fun, Jake.

Wouldn't want you to look a mess outside now, would we, Les?

# Give him two arms to cling to

# And somewhere warm to come to...

Aye-aye, Dan, see anything you like? You just window shopping?

Like father like son, eh!

Hey, are you looking at my missus or yours!

Eh?

Oh, no, not for me. I'm taking it easy tonight!

And we all know why, don't we, eh?

He's in for a treat. He found Laura's sexy basque today.

-Whorrr!

-Not in front of the lad!

Ah, he knows the score.

-Just ignore him, Dan, yeah.

-He's a good lad!

That's his mum you're talking about.

Goodnight, everyone, it was a lovely time.

Someone's in for a good time tonight, eh!

Get in there, my son!

Shut it, Tony!

Miss Whiplash!

-What was all that about?

-Oh, just ignore him, he's drunk!

It was your birthday after all. >

I can't believe you're still sober.

That's a thing...

Where did you sneak off to while I was singing?

I mean, you picked it for me.

Everyone else had to suffer it so why not you?

It doesn't exactly fill you with confidence

when you start singing and then your husband flees the room.

It was your birthday.

I had a problem today.

-TOILET FLUSHES

-My dad found some of my stuff.

-I thought...

-What?

-You know, I thought...

'Me red basque,

'and silky underwear

'and stockings.'

Very, very sexy(!)

Goodnight, love.

Oh, please, turn it off. >

What's going on? >

It's me birthday.

I'm just tired. We're drunk.

-I'm not drunk!

-I'll tell you what, OK, I'll make it up to you tomorrow.

Please, just please turn it off.

Oh, please...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Are you thick! I'm sick of this.

Every time you deliver it it's ripped to shreds...

-Act your age, not your shoe size.

-Take the magazine out first. Are you stupid?

-Soft lad! No brain!

-Jake!

-Wha...! What?

-Behave, slap head!

-I'm gonna' complain about you!

-Jake, would you come in here now!

-Me dad'll sort you out!

Well, bring your Dad, bring your Dad down here now! And your uncle, everybody! What?

-Look!

-What is the matter with you, for God's sake?!

-Look at this! Stupid paper lad!

-Get in here!

What is the matter with you!

That paper lad! Stupid!

-Oh, for God's sake it's only a newspaper.

-Do you pay for it, do you?

You know what? There's something wrong with you.

You should be out there as well, at least filling him in!

-He's only 13!

-So!

It's your blood sugar.

-Rubbish!

-Oh, you know what, calm down. Mind. The plate's hot.

What?

I've got indigestion.

-Ah, well that's cos you had too much ale last night.

-Actually, I had less. For a reason.

Should have got trolleyed, shouldn't I?

-Yeah, well, maybe you should take a tablet then.

-Haven't got any, have I?

-You could have told me before I started cooking.

-It's only just come on.

It's OK, I'll have it!

No, no, no, that is not the point. He wakes up with a hangover, and everyone...

-I have not got a hangover!

-Everyone else has to suffer.

-Dad! Just ease up, eh?

-Ease up!

It's got nothing to do with you, has it?

You know what, you should just take your tea in there, will you?

The under-15s are playing at home. You coming down?

It's the Sunday Youth Cup.

-Go on then, I'll follow you down.

-Nice one!

See ya!

Dinner, three o'clock.

My mum and dad are coming. Don't forget!

Not even a ta-ra.

Does my head in sometimes.

-Just let it go, eh, Mum.

-Well, why should I?

Just cos he didn't get his way.

-All right, see you later.

-Take it easy.

Good game, that, wasn't it?

-That Jones lad's all right, isn't he?

-Yeah.

Did you get your birthday present there, Jakey?

Shut up.

Two pints of lager, please.

What about me Nan and Granddad?

-Plenty of time.

-Well, I said, I'd help me mum, so d'ya wanna...

If you want. Just one pint, please.

-She did say three o'clock, you know.

-Half an hour from now, that is.

-Come on, you're already in her bad books.

-Me!

I'm the good guy here.

Whatever! Just forget it then.

When till you get married, son.

Women, they're a different, different breed from us. They just don't get it.

She's gonna go spare.

Well, if you're worried, there's the door.

It's twenty past three! I'm gonna kill him!

Can you take that out of the oven?

Be ready soon. Just waiting on Jake.

-As usual.

-Hush, woman.

-Godot.

-We're guests in his house.

Where is he?

He's only having a pint.

-He's always having a pint...

-Aagh!

Um, just wait there! Don't worry.

Are you OK?

-I've burnt myself!

-Oh!

Where's the lamb?

-Everything OK?

-Yes!

Yes, Mum, everything's fine, don't worry, just sit down and relax, OK!

Do you need any help?

< No, no. We're nearly done.

Say nothing.

It's fresh litter.

You wouldn't be running around if he was here to help you.

We're nearly done, OK?

Listen, you run that under the tap when you've finished sorting out your burn, OK?

-They collect it then put it in a jar! Have you seen that?

-No, no, no!

-MOBILE RINGS

-That is disgusting!

-No, I haven't.

-Do you want a pint? Pint? Pint?

-Yeah go ahead. Yeah.

Four pints, please, love!

You know something, if you turn out like your father, I'm gonna kill you!

Come on, Mum, he's not always like this.

Oh, would you open your eyes! Of course he is!

Whenever anything doesn't go his way, he makes life a complete misery for everyone else.

-Well, maybe he's just forgot the time.

-Oh, really? Is that why he cut my call?

Daniel burnt his hand.

Is he OK?

Yes.

Have you tried phoning him?

-Yeah.

-And?

-His phone isn't working.

-Switched off, you mean.

Hey, hey! Give it a rest.

No. He always makes himself scarce when we come over.

-You.

-What?

-When

-you

-come over.

I can't say that I blame him.

I seen Les the plumber the other day.

He's always asking about you.

He'd have made a better husband.

And your taps wouldn't drip.

He's got a bit of respect for people.

And for family. I mean, this is just an insult.

Mum, would you ever just shut it!

You're letting her down, mate.

-She let me down.

-It's only a bit of slap and tickle.

It's me birthday. We always...

on my birthday. And why buy all that gear if you're not going to wear it?

Maybe she's teasing you.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah(!)

Pints, yeah?

Four pints, please.

Mmm, Mmm.

Nice bit of lamb, that, lad.

Happy birthday.

-See ya!

-Goodbye, love.

-Ta-ra!

-Ta-ra, Granddad.

-Safe home, Dad.

-See ya later.

Right. Two can play at that game.

-You're only gonna make things worse.

-How do you work that out?

Well, he'll come in drunk, then you will, you'll just row.

Well, he started it by not coming home.

I mean I know your nan can be a bit demanding sometimes,

but what, she comes here twice a year.

I just hate it when you argue.

Well, that's marriage for you.

You've got to take the rough with the rougher.

You fall in love, you get married...

..then five years later,

whoosh. Down the pan.

So what are you saying? You and me dad aren't in love?

Oh, yeah, of course. But it doesn't stop me wanting to kill him.

Listen, after 20 years,

it's a getting-on-with-it type of thing now, you know, Daniel.

Well, that's something.

Well, I wouldn't swap your dad for the world.

Even though he can a miserable, ignorant pig sometimes.

I mean you saw him last night.

There was I screaming Stand By Your Man,

and what did my man do? Walk out.

He's a pig!

-That one.

-What, this one?

Yeah.

You know I do all of this for him, you know.

And does he notice? No way.

He can't see past the pint glass in his hand.

I've been trying to remember

why I asked him to marry me in the first place?

It wasn't his receding hairline.

Wasn't his beer belly.

And it certainly wasn't his cash.

It was your nan!

I couldn't wait to get away.

It's not easy being a woman, you know.

You make it look easy.

BEEPING

"How's it going?"

-There's a storm brewing here, mate.

-I'm sure it'll blow over.

I don't know.

Are you on your own?

Sister's in the other room. I've just borrowed her make up.

-She knows?

-Yeah.

She's not bothered.

Just been watching my mum put this new lippy on.

It really glosses her lips. Brings out the shape and everything.

I've got it. It's new Botox formula, I've got it somewhere here.

Actually, I have something that you'll love!

-Look at these.

-Smooth, them, mate!

-It's the accessories that make it.

-Wouldn't you just die for these.

-Definitely!

I suppose I should go home, eh, soon.

Sooner you than me, mate.

She'll kill ya...

I just wish I could walk down the street and show everyone.

-So why don't you?

-It's me mum and dad, innit?

Well... you can't keep it secret forever.

Me mum'd probably be OK but...

me Dad,

he's a man's man, in't he?

He likes the boxing, the racing, the match, the beer.

Yeah and, er, we like those things too, so?

That's the problem though, innit?

I want the best of both worlds. The man's and the woman's stuff.

You're gonna have to make a decision.

I don't know.

-It could just be a phase I'm going through.

-A phase?

How long have you done this?

-Ten years.

-Long phase.

DOOR CLOSES

-Wait there.

-Dan!

Me dad's coming. I'm gonna have to go, mate.

-Dan?

-What?

-Where's your mum?

She's gone out.

-Where?

-I don't know, Dad.

PHONE RINGS

RINGING CONTINUES

-Why's this here?

-You keep asking me questions. I don't know.

Your mum always has her phone on her.

-She just got ready and went out.

-Why?

-Cos she was in a nark.

Yeah, well, now I'm in a nark now.

Just go to sleep. You'll be all right in the morning.

Hey!

What's this?

What's this, what's this?

Lamb.

-Did your mum say where she was going?

-No.

Is it nice?

-Mmm, yeah. Or who with?

-No.

-Well, why didn't you ask her?

-Well, why should I?

-Has she gone to your man's?

-I doubt it.

-You were meant to be here, remember?

-Yeah.

-Did anyone ring her?

-I couldn't tell you.

She's probably done the same as you,

-gone to the pub with her mates.

-Nah.

She needs a month's notice when she does that.

PHONE RINGS

-Laura! I was ringing you.

-Hiya.

Les! Who's Les!

That slimeball!

-Things are kicking off.

-CROCKERY BREAKS

-I was just absolutely made up, you know.

-They're lovely.

PHONE RINGING Well, yeah, cos 75% off,

-and they're really comfortable.

-Are they? They look it!

-I really love them.

-Oh, it's your mobile?

Huh?

Oh, that'll be Jake.

-You all right?

-Yeah, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Cut me off!

Dan!

Dan!

-Dan, did your mum get a taxi?

-Dad! Yes!

-Who's that?

-Just a friend.

Yeah, my advice? Just stay friends.

-I'm in conversation here.

-Er, did your mum have anything with her?

-Like what?

-Like a big bag of clothes!

-No!

What do I do?

Good luck!

Lesley?

-Lesley!

-What?

-The round?

Oh, yeah. I'll come with you.

No, it's OK don't worry about it...

I'm starving, I didn't eat...

Jake's a nice fella, you know.

He just likes his pint is all.

Doesn't stray or nothing, not like my fella.

There is that, I suppose.

-At least you know you can trust each other.

-Yeah.

'I know Jake would never carry on.

'And he knows I wouldn't.

'I mean I know we have our ups and downs,

'he can be a bit moody sometimes...'

But we're always gonna be OK.

I trust him. And he trusts me.

Thanks.

Pint please, love.

Jake was in earlier.

Right.

He gave me a bit of a warning last night.

-What for?

-Singing to you.

Thought he was gonna give me a hammering.

Ah, well, that's completely out of order.

Yeah, well.

The thing is, I'd take a hammering for you any day.

-Remember when we were kids?

-SHE CHUCKLES Yeah.

Good times, Les. I've got my memories.

You know, your mum thinks you should have married me.

Oh, I know.

What do you think?

I've got the right man, Les.

Hey!

Go to bed, Dad.

-Do one.

-Come on! It's crazy.

Just go to bed and go to sleep.

I want to know exactly what time it is when she gets here.

Oh, God, I am absolutely knackered these days.

Oh, it's all right, be all right after a few of these!

Final round.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

-Oh, you're in, then?

-Oh, I've been in ages.

-Right.

-Good night, was it?

Yeah.

-Where'd you go?

-Out.

Yeah, I know you went out. I was just wondering where to.

Why would you be bothered?

-Well, I am your husband.

-And I'm your wife, don't forget!

So where'd you go?

For a drink. OK?

-Yeah, who with?

-A friend.

-Oh, do I know this friend?

I don't wanna do this any more. I don't know and I don't care.

-Don't you?

-No. And I'll tell you why.

My ma and da came over here for dinner today,

-and you couldn't be bothered to turn up.

-I was busy.

-I've been busy tonight.

-Oh, I'll bet you have!

-What are you doing?

-Just checking what you were wearing.

-You're mad.

Yeah, I must be, mustn't I?

-You leave your clothes with your friend, eh! Did you?

-What clothes?

-The basque? The little mini skirt, the other stuff?

-Mini skirt!

A basque! Are you nuts? I'm 39 years of age!

-You won't wear 'em for me, will ya?

-What are you babbling on about?

-I found them.

-Found what?

Are you on drugs? Has somebody slipped you something?

I haven't bought any clothes, you idiot! There are none to find.

-You must have bought clothes to wear for someone!

-I haven't!

-Liar!

-Don't you dare call me a liar!

-Don't you dare!

-Mum! Dad! Stop it! Let's just go to bed!

-We're all tired.

-I am not a liar!

-Hey, Dan, right!

Have you bought any women's clothes, eh?

Have you? Stuff like a basque, little mini skirt,

bras, that kind of thing? Well?

Thank you. Exactly! No! And neither have I.

So therefore they must belong to you.

Stop it. Let's just stop it. Please.

This is between me and your mum, why don't you button it and do one!

Go to bed, OK. There's no point talking to him, he's such a pig!

-You need to sort yourself out.

-I do?

I'm not the one who's carrying on.

-What?

-Yeah. I know everything.

-SHE LAUGHS RUEFULLY

-I know all about it!

-Have you fed the cat?

-What!

Have you fed the cat?

No! Who cares?

We're in the middle of an argument and you ask me about the cat!

That's cos the cat has more sense.

So come on, then...

What do you know?

-Everything.

-Like what?

-I want you to tell me.

-What? Tell you what?

-Stop playing games, will you?

If I knew what you wanted to hear, I'd tell you, but I haven't a clue.

-So, come on, Sherlock! Give us a clue.

-I'll give you a clue.

First thing Monday, I'm going to ram me fist down lover boy's throat.

Oh, that is so original!

Couldn't be a stud or a gigolo, it's got to be a lover boy.

-Just do me a favour and grow up!

-Why don't you just admit it, eh? Eh?

-You're having an affair!

-In your head, maybe!

-If you want another fella, go on, then.

-What do I want another fella for? You're bad enough!

-I'm going up to my bed. And you, you can stay down here.

-Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're not going anywhere until you've explained what's going on!

-Nothing is happening!

-You are carrying on with that slimeball Les!

Les! Oh, do me a favour!

The one who sings "Laura, I love you..."

Is that why you pulled him in the pub last night?

-Oh, he told you, did he?!

-Yeah, in the pub tonight!

Liar! You're carrying on with Les, aren't you!

If I was gonna have an affair with anyone, it wouldn't be Les!

-I had enough of him when I was a kid!

-Yous two weren't together tonight?

-Correct!

-He rang your phone, you stupid mare!

I can't cope with this. I'm going to my ma's.

-No, you're not!

-Yes, I am!

-No, you're not!

SHE YELPS

-Don't you...

-There's the proof!

..ever do that. Let me out!...

-No!

-This is...

-Where are the clothes?

-There are no clothes!

-It's too late! Just tell me!

-There are no clothes!

Mum! Dad!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

HE SOBS

I'm sorry.

Have you got a girl coming back or something?

Aye, aye, Dan, see anything you like?

Have you bought any women's clothes?

-It's not easy being a woman, you know.

-You make it look easy.

A basque, a mini skirt, me? Are you nuts? I'm 39 years of age!

Erm, me taxi's here.

# Moving on

# Moving on

# Some people say

# Some things you can never change

# Some people say

# Sometimes you can get it wrong

# It's time

# Time for moving on

# Moving on

# Maybe if I'd had a better plan

# Maybe I would not be where I am

# Maybe I'll find the courage and the strength

# To make a stand

# Moving on

# Moving on...

Happy Birthday, Mum!

Thank you!

# ..Some people say

# Some things you can never change

# Some people say

# Sometimes you can get it wrong...

D'you fancy a pint?

-Nice one.

-Right.

# ..Time for moving on

# I

# I, I

# I can't turn back the clock

# And I

# I, I

# This old world I can't stop

# And I

# I, I

# Well, I have to be strong... #