Sauce for the Goose Moving On

What if he's not dead? What if he wakes up?

He's took the lock off!

Argh!

He's alive! Please, please. He's alive!

I came... I came to fix the computer.

Your daughter, she let me in. You've got it wrong!

CRIES OF PAIN

Call an ambulance!

KNOCK ON DOOR

I could be dying here!

You've only got yourself to blame.

If you'd turned up when you said, this wouldn't have happened.

If you'd been honest, I'd have had time to get someone else and you said you'd experience with old people.

CAR OUTSIDE That sounds like her now.

Did you say it's his own fault, not to make appointments he can't keep?

Yeah. How's Mum? It never even happened.

Look, I know you think I'm being harsh...

but bedside vigils, tea and sympathy? He'll sense weakness!

Next thing, you're hearing from his solicitor. When's the locksmith due?

I've lost count of the messages I've left.

Tradesmen are all the same! Look at the nightmare over my conservatory!

Mum can't stay here tonight if that door isn't fixed. She wanders.

Give it ten more minutes. If they still haven't phoned, there must be plenty more in the book.

I've picked up all the mess, by the way. Yeah, thanks.

It's a pleasure. Look, I've got to fly.

I have to pick Kirsty up from piano then drop Jodie off at jujitsu.

I'll call you tomorrow.

I swear to God, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

Bye, Mum!

Where've you been? You've just missed our Linda.

Oh, that's a pity.

Did she make you anything to eat, by any chance?

She wouldn't see me starve.

Oh, I know.

But are you hungry? Yeah. Where've you been?

To the library, there's a problem with the computer.

They're too warm! They make my feet sweat.

Better warm and sweaty than cut to ribbons.

There's broken glass in the hall. I'm not in the hall.

I know, but until I've had the chance to clear it up... Leave me alone!

SHE SIGHS: OK, OK. You win. But stay in here.

Where've you been? To the library, talking to Chris.

Oh, I remember now.

That was a bad idea. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

You're meant to keep the noise down in a library.

We were talking over the computer.

He's in Colombia.

Colombia?

Isn't it dangerous? It's not like it used to be -

all death squads and drug cartels - and Chris can look after himself.

And anyway, what can you do? Burn his passport?

What's wrong with Magaluf? He's got wider horizons, Mum.

And good luck to him. I couldn't be prouder.

Anyway, he says he's moving on next week, thank God.

Where are you going? To get my slippers, there's a draught!

Mind your feet! There's glass on the floor.

No wonder! The front door's open.

Ah, hello, yes. I need a new lock fitted to my door...

Ow! Er...

Glass on the floor, you said! Nothing about splinters!

I'm sorry, I'll call you back.

Agh! That's me skin! Sorry. Tweeze the wood!

If you'd stay still a minute! Ow! It's like you're digging for oil!

Do you want it to go septic? You know I'm on pills to thin my blood.

You're trying to bleed me dry! Bleed me dry and steal my money!

I'm calling Lynne, I don't have to put up with this!

SHE SIGHS

Oh, God, do I need that. What a nightmare of a day!

I could be lying here now the daughter of a murderer.

No, no, no. Worst-case scenario, manslaughter maybe.

Diminished responsibility carries a lot of weight these days.

It'll always be a mystery to me, why didn't she just take her to the library with her?

She could've come here and used our computer. She only had to ask.

The place is a building site. The office isn't.

The library's round the corner and she's not one to reach out for help.

And besides, these are unfamiliar surroundings. Mum doesn't like them.

We should invite them both over, for dinner some time.

Yeah, when we've settled in.

I don't think you realise how much she's deteriorated.

It won't be long before even Anne can't cope.

Two and a half hours, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. How's Chris, out of Colombia yet?

All the trauma, I forgot to ask.

You'd better go or Jodie'll be late for jujitsu.

SHE SIGHS

Night, love. Night, Mum.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hold on, Mum.

Hello. I left my stuff here.

And your car. Yeah, can't drive, but I'll get someone to pick it up.

It's not in your way, is it? Oh, no. No, no.

You'd better step in.

How are you?

Skull fracture, broken collar bone, few ribs, concussion.

All the usual occupational injuries you get in computer repair.

Are you insured? Not enough.

I needed the stunt man policy, but I couldn't afford the premiums.

I can't afford to lose contracts it took me eight years to win, so...

If you're thinking of suing, I've been advised... I just need my stuff.

To go back to work. And the 85 quid you owe me'd be nice.

You turned up a day late and you didn't even finish the job. I did, actually.

It's still in bits. All you have to do is put the casing back on the tower.

How do you do that? You can use a screw driver? I fixed that lock on the door!

Sorry about the inconvenience(!) Hope there weren't too many stubborn blood stains on your woodwork.

MOVEMENT UPSTAIRS

Hold on, Mum! You'll slip!

Two minutes.

How did you get in? Can't I even have a bath in peace?

It's OK, Mum. Give me your hand. No, I can do it on my own.

I know you can, but I'm here now. Come on. Careful.

Give me a second.

If you just give me a second, I'll write you a cheque, if that's OK.

Look, um...

Um, while I'm here, I'll put that casing back on. If you like.

That'd be great. Thanks.

Can I give you a hand? Er...

Yeah, I'm struggling a bit.

If you could, er, if you could just hold this, I'll screw it in.

What's going on?

Er...this is John.

Don't mind me. I'm getting a bath. You've just had one, Mum.

I know, I was being polite. ..She hasn't been the same since Kevin ran off with the dentist.

She could do with a good seeing to, but keep the noise down!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, sorry! I told you, my nan was the same.

There we go. Oh, it's working! Do you mind if I just check my emails?

No, um, I need to take a couple of painkillers.

Can you spare us a glass of water? Yeah, sure.

Well, how is he? You don't want me to bore you again, you're already running late.

Yes, I do, you know. Isn't he the reason I ended up like this?

I should never have left her alone with a stranger in the house.

But where he was, internet cafes were hard to find.

He was only online for an hour and my sister had a hairdresser's appointment.

When he was in America, keeping in touch wasn't a problem. But now...

And Diagnosis Murder was on. Dick Van Dyke usually has Mum pinned to her chair.

Just tell me he hasn't been kidnapped or forced into being a drugs mule.

No, he's moved on. At last!

Where is he now?

Peru. Well, that's better, isn't it?

The land of Paddington Bear.

And Shining Path terrorists. HE LAUGHS

He's sailing down the Amazon to a place called Iquitos,

the largest city in the world with no road link. There it is.

You must think I'm some kind of obsessive lunatic with all this.

I only use it to talk my mum through where he is. She misses him more than I do.

I worry about my kids and they're only in Wigan. How many have you got? I've got two.

I'm very lucky, she lets me see them every Saturday afternoon and Boxing Day.

Yeah, can I have a taxi to 4... Inglemere ..Inglemere Road, please?

It's Kirkby. Yep, cheers.

Although they're getting to the age now where they don't particularly want to see me.

If I could just send my wallet along, they'd be happy.

You're getting a taxi all the way to Kirkby?

Well, it's a regular contract, I can't afford to lose it.

Where are we going? Kirkby Industrial Estate.

It's not what I call a day out.

Hiya. This is Anne, my assistant.

Bella, the apprentice.

I fell into Fords straight out of school.

Got bored. Got divorced.

Redundancy came along and I snatched their hands off.

Spent half of it on a holiday in Australia.

Wasted the rest re-training. What about you?

I used to work in a bank.

That was before... Well...you know...

Nearly there.

Mum, try this one here.

Do you want to come in for a coffee or something?

Oh, no, we'd better be getting back.

Shall I call you a cab? Oh, no. It's only ten minutes away.

And I can pick up some bits on the way home and...

(I like to keep her active.)

It's you needs the exercise. She's let herself go, hasn't she, Kevin?

This isn't Kevin, Mum. It's John.

Sorry, John. Didn't recognise you from the back.

Come on. Who is he?

No-one.

Anne? Yeah? Before you go, um...

Thanks. You're welcome.

Look, let's be honest. I could be dead.

I could've pressed charges, I could sue for loss of earnings.

But we've been through this! You owe me one.

You were as much to blame as I was. You owe me one and, um...

Well, it's probably going to be a while before I can drive again.

No. No way. You don't owe him anything. And besides, this place is literally a building site.

You've been there for nine months, it can't be that bad. She wouldn't be safe here!

You could come here. Can't you ask Kevin?

He works. And it's not his mother. It's the mother of his son's mother!

Two afternoons and a morning.

This is a big mistake. It's an admission of guilt.

I do feel guilty and I want to help the man.

It's not very often I ask for help. Someone's got a short memory!

OK, twice in a week. But before then?

Twice in a week and two afternoons and a morning next week?! I do have a life! You've also got a mother.

SHE HANGS UP

I really appreciate this. If you fancied him, why didn't you just say?

I don't fancy him, I just need to look professional.

I'd never leave her with a complete stranger, not in a million years, but he was so nice...

Oh, aye? ..and could see how much I needed to speak to Chris.

I didn't have time to get Mum ready to take her with me.

I thought, if I let him do this one favour for me, when I get back, I can offer to make it up to him.

You dirty mare! Take him out for a drink, I mean!

Lynne! I thought I heard your voice!

Have you heard this, Mum? Our Anne's got herself a new fella.

Who's that? The one you tried to kill.

Pete Price? Take no notice, Mum.

This is lovely. All of us together.

Give Chris a shout. He's travelling around the world, Mum. Remember?

Where is he now? Peru. I got an email yesterday.

Oh, our Kirsty's just landed the lead role in the school play! She is chuffed to little bits!

I think she gets her love of theatre off me. Remember my Cinderella, Mum? We've still got the photos.

Tell you what, I'll get the albums out.

You two can take a trip down memory lane, while I slip out for a couple of hours.

That'll be nice.

Three days and this'll be good as new.

Do you ever check the files for anything dodgy?

You think he was dodgy?

I feel like a snatch squad from social services.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Yes?

She found the bucket of change, accused me of stealing her money.

One thing led to another, I stepped out for time out,

I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions otherwise. Next thing...

She was screaming for you, literally screaming. I told her a million times she was busy.

I should've left you a key. Why d'you put up with it?

She should be in a home. ..Don't you think she should be in a home? She is.

All right, Mum? Ssh!

That looks heavy.

Shall I put it in your room where it belongs?

I'm watching this! Sorry.

She wasn't like this before. No, I know.

This isn't going to work, is it? I can make other arrangements.

Yeah, I think that might be best.

Hello, Ricky! Thanks so much for doing this.

It's me - Ricky. You know, your Lynne's hubby.

And the other one. That's it.

I've got your bag. You have a lovely time.

She'll be fine.

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS 'Anne, it's Lynne.

'I'm really, really sorry, but she just doesn't want to be here.

'She thinks we've kidnapped her.

'She locked herself in the en-suite and Ricky had to literally break the door down.

'A brand-new door.

'She was sat there crying, Anne.

'It was heartbreaking.

'She was in tears, because she didn't know where she was...

'and she couldn't get the bidet to flush.'

'I don't know. Maybe if you have a word with her,

'you can persuade her to stay, but...I seriously doubt it.'

Bring her home.

More wine? I've got the car.

Don't encourage him to drink and drive.

Do you want dead children on your conscience? I can walk.

Or you can stay.

You've only known him two minutes.

Three months I've known him and I think it's about time he stayed the night.

While you're under your father's roof, you'll live by his rules.

Dad's dead.

Oh...no!

SHE SOBS

I'm sorry, but I tell you that two or three times a week.

I just get a bit bored sometimes.

When he was dying, I promised him I'd look after you.

He wanted you to get out there, Mum, and flourish. To live.

But the only time we ever escape these four walls is to go to Tesco.

My only son has gone to Rio for Mardi Gras,

and I haven't had sex this century!

I know I forget things,

but I'm not stupid.

And this isn't a conversation for the dinner table.

It's not easy for you, I know, but...

..there was a bitterness earlier.

An anger I haven't seen before.

Sorry if it bothered you.

Funny you waited until now to mention it.

It's been a while for me as well, you know.

You think that was anger?

The day she threw you down the stairs, I really lost it.

What did you do?

I threw a pair of tweezers at her.

A pair of tweezers? It's all I had to hand.

But suppose I'd been carving meat or something at the time?

It's not funny.

In that split second, I wanted to do to her what she did to you.

Maybe Lynne's right.

If you're getting to the end of your tether,

maybe it's time to start thinking of somewhere to put her.

She's not an item of furniture.

Ooh, er...

Anne! Your mum's up!

Hello, Mum. This is John. He stayed the night last night.

We all had a meal together, remember? Did you have a nice time?

Very much so, yes.

Party like it was 1999. SHE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

These are the Iguazu Falls. They're on the border between Argentina and Brazil.

Chris says they're officially on the shortlist to be one of the new seven wonders of the world.

But he's never been to Dyserth. Between Rhyl and Prestatyn.

The story goes a God fell in love with a woman,

but she ran off with another man in a canoe. Ooh, she paddled off.

She did a paddler,

the Gods got angry, lashed out,

and created that.

And the lovers are condemned to be falling forever.

Have you told him about us yet?

When he gets to Buenos Aires, he's promised to Skype me. I'll do it then.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Did he call? Have we got his blessing?

'He's been mugged!'

SHE CRIES Oh, it's going to be all right.

They got his passport, his wallet. Everything.

But he's OK. That's the main thing.

No, no. He's not OK! He's on the other side of the world.

It happened last week. Ten days ago!

He's been to the embassy. They're already sorting a new passport.

There you go! He could've been dead and I'd have been boiling eggs! You sure you don't want anything?

No. I need to get back. From the day they step out on their own, you've got them dead in a ditch.

I know how she feels. I'll never forget losing Jodie at Center Parcs. Longest five minutes of my life!

I went cold. A total nightmare. Literally. I've never got over it.

You set curfews... I still wake up in the night! ..you give them boundaries.

Every time they're late, or not where they say they'll be, you have them dead in a ditch.

But not for ten days!

Not like some kind of orphan who doesn't belong to anyone.

If something really serious had happened, someone would've been in touch. I said that.

When he was a boy, I'd worry if I couldn't see him in the street.

They grow up and you lie awake at night till they get back from town.

I cried for a month when he went to university. Now he's getting mugged in countries we've been at war with!

He's swimming with sharks and he's climbing volcanoes and he's bungee jumping

and disappearing on treks through the jungle to places they actually seriously call The Lost City.

Look! Look at it! It's like something out of Indiana Jones! I shouldn't have to put up with that.

Just being selfish. Kids, they never think.

He's a full-grown man and can cope with anything. You should be proud, because that's how you made him.

How can I feel proud when I feel so scared? I miss him, John.

I want him to come home, and whoever says, if you love someone set them free, they never had children.

Mum! Tea's ready. Maybe this'll be a wake-up call. He's done South America now.

Once he gets his passport, I wouldn't be surprised if he's on the next plane back to England.

Except he's already applied for his Australian visa. Who has? Chris.

Do you know how long it lasts? I don't care. I don't agree with credit cards.

A year. He's going to get a job. He's been in touch with an agency.

He's going to stay in Australia for a year, save up, then carry on.

Indonesia, Malaya, Vietnam... He's not coming back.

He doesn't want to be here any more. I don't blame him. Bloody weather.

'I miss him, John. I want him to come home.'

Are you serious?

Yeah! Why not? It's only Australia.

Do you want to come with me?

I've met your kids. You should meet mine. Can you afford it?!

No. Can you afford to take the time off?

Not really. And who'd look after your mum?

Three weeks? It's hardly worth going for anything less.

I know it seems like a long time, but I did 52 weeks last year and 52

the year before... I'm just thinking of Mum.

You know what she was like last time she stayed with us. She didn't stay.

Well, exactly.

It might be easier if you moved in with her.

Anne, I have a family. A husband and two kids to look after.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to. I'm just being realistic.

Have you thought about... What's it called? ..respite care?

There must be homes with staff that cater for this sort of thing.

I can't afford it. Not on top of the flights and everything.

Couldn't you get a grant? I pay enough council tax. I'm not sure she'd be happy

in a place like that.

But I'll look into it. I just thought I'd ask you first.

Obviously, if all else fails, I'm happy to help.

But you could treat a care home as a trial run.

See if she settles. It might be the best solution for everyone.

I mean, you are a saint, but one of a kind.

It can't have been easy for Chris coming back from university. He loves his nan. Don't worry.

And then there's John. You can't expect him to take Mum on full time.

If you ever wanted him to move in, you'd have to think about her moving out.

Two or three weeks after my first was born,

my wife went for a night out with the girls.

Can't remember the occasion, but she had to stay over.

Anyway, she'd expressed some milk for me, and I had some of the powdered stuff,

and it was the first time I'd been left alone with my new son.

You really have to cherish those moments, don't you?

It was the longest night of my life. I couldn't get him to take a bottle.

I couldn't get him to sleep, couldn't put him down.

He lay in my arms and the pair of us cried until the morning.

I couldn't cope, Lynne.

Ever since that night, I've known how someone can shake a baby.

Ricky had Jodie for a weekend and she was a difficult child...

Will you shut up and let me make my point? Sorry, I thought you had.

The point is...the morning came.

We got through it.

Dawn broke, birds sang, and it was never as bad again.

I could've phoned my wife or my mum...

Or shook your baby till he was dead or disabled.

There's no shame in asking for help. She's asking now!

And I want to help!

But not for three weeks. Long term.

All I'm saying is, it might be difficult at the start... I know what you're saying.

But it's not dawn coming, it's night.

It's going to get harder. And because I've got some perspective,

I can see that what Anne needs is professional support.

But the problem is, she can't let go.

She's lost Chris, so she's clinging on to Mum.

It's classic empty nest syndrome.

You like her, don't you? Yeah.

So, unless you find martyrdom sexy or something,

you're not going to like her any less if she unburdens herself of my mother, are you?

So, tell her. Tell her to treat this break as a trial run.

Tell her she doesn't have to worry about an empty nest any more.

When Chris is your age, would you want him

stuck looking after you the way you look after your mum?

Yes or no?

Other cultures do it.

All right, Mum.

There you are.

That's it.

SHE SIGHS

Hiya, Nan. It's John. Your grandson. How are you?

I've brought some friends to see you.

This is my friend Anne. Hello. And this is her mum Bella.

ALARM BLARES

Mum!

It's that one. I'm sorry.

Dump me in there and never come back. That's the plan, isn't it?

Come on. Come on.

I asked him not to say anything.

Trouble is, he knows you. He knows what you're like.

I hate going behind your back, but he needed to know you're missing him and what he's putting you through.

The important thing is he's coming home for Christmas! No!

He's not! You've no right to interfere with his plans! Lucky I didn't do it to be thanked.

No, you did it for an easy life, but he's staying where he is.

I'm going to see him. You're looking after Mum!

That's not possible. The flights are paid for! We leave tomorrow morning!

But that's madness, especially if he's... I'm catching the 11:22 to Manchester Airport.

I expect you to be at ours by half ten at the latest. I can't. I'm sorry!

If you're not there, I'll drop Mum off on the way to the station. There won't be anybody in.

She'll be waiting for you! Ricky's working and I've got a smear test. Here we go!

It happens to be true, as a matter of fact!

It's just routine, but even so.

Then rearrange it, or get Ricky to take the day off work.

I haven't got time to argue with you, I've got packing to do.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

TELEPHONE RINGS

Anne?

(She's not there. She is.)

Anne?

Pick up the phone.

I know you're there.

Look... we don't begrudge you a break.

Far from it. But if you're going

'to emotionally blackmail us, a bit more notice would be nice.

'We've talked it through, and we just don't feel

'we're equipped to look after your mum for three whole weeks.

'So, if you leave her with us,

'we'll have no option but to look for a care home for her. Sorry.

'We'll pay for it, of course.'

She's your responsibility now. Do what you want.

Lumber us with her, she goes in a home. When you get back, she won't remember anywhere else.

You underestimate Mum and exaggerate her illness, cos it suits you! She'll be settled and happy.

You'll have an empty house, he'll move in, you'll thank us and be grateful, you sanctimonious cow!

The taxi's here. Lynne isn't. She's not answering her phone.

I'm going to take Mum round to her house. I'll meet you at the station.

What if there's no-one in? You can't just leave her.

That's what Lynne's banking on. She's not winning this time.

Bring her here, leave her with me. I'll stay behind. You can't do that.

Put a couple of mattresses at the bottom of the stairs, it'll be fine.

We'll wave you off together.

This is stupid.

It's disrupting too many people's lives.

And Chris could be here for Christmas.

To the station, love? No.

Inglemere Road.

Home.

Go.

Go on, love, go.

I know exactly what I'm saying.

You can go.

Just promise me you'll come back.

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