Letting Go Moving On

I need money for school.

What for this time?

Design technology, ten pound.

I've made a wooden fish, it's pine, got real glass eyes.

Hurry up!

Lee, training tonight, don't forget.

I'll pick you up.

-You won't have time.

-I'll make time, I'll drop him off then go straight to work.

-Right!

For a tenner,

-it should be carved in gold.

-But then, the cat would eat it...

cos it would be a goldfish!

Don't encourage him.

Make sure you get brushes and turps.

-I know.

-So, are we definitely going to Portugal, half term?

-Who mentioned holidays?

-Make sure you get the correct paint.

-Silk, not matt.

-Mum's got brochures.

-Oh, has she now?

-Light bulbs, you keep forgetting light bulbs.

Hiya, it's Norman Harrison, I've got an appointment at 9:15.

-Yep. Take a seat.

-Keys. Keys!

Oh, um ...

-Can't find them.

-Don't say that.

-I must've left them at home.

-Here, get a taxi, we can't wait around.

No toilets, no surgery.

Lee?

Lee, where are you for God's sake? Lee?

Right, they're not in the hall ...

Can you check that I've not dropped my work keys in the car?

I'm looking round the house now and...

I've got a terrible feeling I dropped them in the car

when I was rooting for money for Sam and that bloody fish...

-You're where?

-CAR HORN

Sick. That's not like Sam.

Well, they have to send them home if they vomit...

Well, when you get back here, tell him he has to stay in bed and wait for me.

-CAR HORN

-No, I'm not overreacting.

That's the best place for him.

-I've got to go.

-CAR HORN

-Would you like to come through?

-Oh, right. Thanks.

'This is a recorded message for the Manor Road drop-in centre.

'For free advice, please call in to our centre, we are open from 8am to 7pm.'

Keep as wide as you can.

Not the best of mornings.

-No.

-BP probe.

-Jill's an extra care patient. That's right, isn't it Jill?

-Yes.

The crowns won't be an exact match but they will be very close.

-OK.

-Did you decide on a holiday?

Portugal at half term. I'm going to book it, surprise Lee.

Nearly done. There, all finished.

There's some tissue and mouthwash.

-Thanks a lot.

-I could do with a fortnight in Madeira myself.

-We'll see you in a few weeks, Jill.

-Great, thanks a lot.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Do you think she's a drug user?

None of our business. There are other ways of catching Hep C.

-She doesn't look like one.

-Their teeth tell the story.

We're getting more and more of them.

-What, addicts?

-Extra care patients.

What, because more kids are using drugs?

More practices going private.

There's no chance of cross infection, don't worry.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mum...

Yeah, I'm OK.

Sam? He's fine.

No, I'm just getting the bus, Lee's got the car.

I know it's my car, but...

Sounds lovely, I just put something in the slow cooker ...

No, it's not being lazy. Look, I've got to go, my bus is coming.

I'll ring you. Bye.

And you had no idea?

Would you like to tell me your name?

-Not really.

-OK. I'm afraid I do have to ask you a few questions.

Where did you hear about us?

The phonebook.

And your son is 14?

I need to know what it is.

Shall we start by discussing how you feel?

How would you feel?

We all have our own different viewpoints and opinions.

Can you just tell me what it is?

It's not that straightforward.

I just wanted a quick word with somebody on the phone.

The helpline was closed down, it couldn't keep up with demand.

I know, it's crazy, isn't it? But talking face to face is often better.

It's more difficult of course, but it makes it more real.

-It's real enough.

-Would you like a cup of tea?

I'm sorry, I know you're trying to be helpful, but I need to get home, can you just tell me what it is?

I would get into trouble if I gave you the wrong information.

Foil could be anything ...

Cannabis, hash on foil.

And the marks on the ashtray, blacky brown, sticky, a resin, not a resin?

Possibly burnt match marks.

The foil could just be the wrapping that it came in.

Chasing the dragon perhaps.

Smoking heroin.

I know it's a bombshell, but if it was my son...

If it was my son...

I'd take him away from here.

I'd keep him safe. I'd make him have therapy.

Yes, that's what I would do.

-Sorry?

-If it was my son.

I'd have a gentle word.

I'd just ask him casually, without making too big a deal about it.

Is there anything that you want to tell me?

Is there anything that you're doing that could be dangerous?

Ask him.

-How do you feel?

-Rough.

-Why've you been sick?

Do I look like a doctor?

Sam... Do you want me to get you anything?

A glass of water, I'll get up.

You stay there, I'll get it.

-What are you doing?

-Looking. Sometimes you get notes.

I'm not five. Anything they give to me, goes straight to you.

-You should be in bed.

-Glass of water? Pass us my phone.

Who do you want to call? You're supposed to be ill.

I'm not calling anyone. Just pass us my phone.

You've still got your coat on.

I'm cold. I'll get you that water.

-Right, are these dirty?

-I don't know.

-Any dirty clothes?

-That ten pounds, you needed it for school?

-Yeah, I told you.

-Have you been smoking?

-Oh, don't start all that again.

Did Lee get the light bulbs?

Don't think so. What's wrong with you? You're acting weird.

I'll get you that paracetamol.

Kirsty?

-Kirst?

-I'm in the shower.

Sam's fast asleep.

I've just checked on him. Beef smells lovely.

I put it in the slow cooker.

Brilliant, that slow cooker.

-I found a glass ashtray today.

-I thought we only had a green one.

At first I just thought it was Sam's, smoking again.

But there was tin foil and black marks round the edges.

-He's doing drugs.

-Drugs?

No, not Sam. He could have been burning anything.

They get up all sorts, don't they?

Boys his age. Jokes, science experiments...

-What's this?

-It's for...

I know what it's for.

Why didn't you phone me? I would've come home.

-I'm his mother.

-And I'm not really his dad.

I didn't mean that. I found this thing later.

-Needles...

-What should we do?

Needles, it's my worst nightmare.

Do you want me to talk to him?

I'll do it.

Lee, I'm frightened.

I know, babe.

So am I.

-Come downstairs.

-Why?

It's not his, it's mine.

It's not Sam's needle bin, it's mine. I can't let you accuse him, because it's me.

You're lying, taking the blame for him. He's at that age, full of secrets and...

Me and you, we're...

-I know everything about you, I'd have to be a complete idiot not to know that you...

-I'm the idiot.

Professional clown.

When?

-How long?

-Years before I met you.

I don't want to talk about it.

Don't be ridiculous, we have to bloody talk about this.

You've got to admit, it's better that it's me and not him.

-What is it?

-It's just something that I do occasionally.

-It'll never affect you or Sam, I swear.

-What is it?

You really don't know?

Brown.

Heroin.

Shall I make us a cup of tea?

I'll take that as a "no" then.

Milkman.

Do you want one?

-Undesirables.

-Who is?

Doing what you do.

Lowlifes, thieves, you mix with them.

Keep your voice down. I don't mix with anyone like that.

What if they come to my house?

-What if they decide...

-There is no "they".

I've not suddenly got a whole different life.

That's exactly what you've got.

A secret life filled with nasty people.

You buy it from criminals.

Well, they don't give it away.

Look, I don't stand in back alleys waiting for lunatics in flash cars.

I meet someone, a mate I went to school with and we go for coffee.

Coffee?

-Money?

-Yes, please.

Do you owe? Have you got any debts?

You lied to me.

Last night's gravy all down my sleeve, I've only just washed this.

Lee?

No debts, arrears or favours owing.

How much does it cost you?

Not as much as you spend on cigarettes.

You lied to me.

I've never lied.

You could go to prison.

-Don't walk away.

-I'm not talking about it.

What about Sam?

Where's he in all this?

-He could have found your things.

-The ashtray was a one-off.

I'd have cleared it away, you'd never have known. The other thing...

Needles. The other thing was used needles.

You only found because you were looking.

-We never go in the loft.

-You're not the man I thought you were.

I am. The same man I was yesterday.

This stops, here and now!

You can't. Can you?

You're an addict, a real, proper addict.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare equate this,

or these to what you're doing.

Come here.

This is why I couldn't tell you.

You're killing yourself.

It's poisoning your insides.

You could die before me.

Yeah, get run over by a bus.

I used to say that to justify the cigs.

It won't affect you.

I promise.

You can't promise me anything.

Nothing's changed.

Nothing's changed? Are you stupid?

I want a future.

While you're using that stuff, you can't even promise me a tomorrow.

Are you sure you feel well enough?

Yeah, I've had about a million hours sleep.

-Your body must have needed it.

-How far did you go?

Three times round the park.

You're insane.

Feed the cat, will you? I think your mum's forgot.

All right.

I'm going to start the painting today.

Undercoat the skirting boards.

-I can paint.

-You can do the doors.

-Class.

-Stop the car.

-What do you mean?

-Stop the car and pull over.

Double yellows.

-Just do it, will you?

-Why?

-You can't drive.

-Why can't he drive?

-Because he can't, now change places.

-Give me a second.

-I'll be late for school.

There are cars coming at 90mph. Do you want me to get killed?

Well, you'll have to slide round me.

I don't believe this.

Will someone tell me what's going on?

Work hard, I love you.

I will.

Have you two had a row?

You're not insured.

I was insured yesterday.

-Who will know?

-I'd know.

If you had a smash, they might want to take blood. What if you killed someone?

You're being ridiculous. If I can't drive, I can't get to work.

-You should have thought of that before.

-Oh, well, if I'd known that

-20 years ago, I wouldn't have touched the stuff(!)

-Oh, shut up.

-CAR HORN

-Whoa!

The way you drive, I might have to start drinking as well.

20 years? Did you just say 20 years?

Thank you.

We've never been abroad.

He says he loves camping.

He can't get his heroin past Customs.

He said he was afraid of flying.

I even booked him an appointment with a bloody hypnotist!

Has he said why he does it?

No.

Does he want to stop?

I don't know.

You said there were lots of options.

For a young person, not for a long-term addict.

Anyway, after 20 years he's probably tried them all.

-He's using a class A drug in your home.

-Yeah.

You shouldn't leave your son alone with him in the house, he might...

No, no, no. Not with Sam there, he wouldn't.

Yesterday, it didn't even occur to you that the ashtray might be his.

How do you know what he would or wouldn't do?

PHONE RINGS

My mum's expecting me.

Why don't you go and see her? Maybe have a wee chat about all this.

I don't get on with my mum, but I'm not trying to kill her.

I want to help him. How bad can it be?

He's not a mess, he keeps his DVDs in alphabetical order.

Run for the hills.

What?

Tell him to leave.

I want you to go.

I don't have a choice.

If it was just you and me, maybe.

Sam loves you too much.

I'm not letting him watch you kill yourself.

I knew. As soon as you put that bag on the table I knew it would end like this.

So that's it, then?

It doesn't have to be, you do have a choice.

Some choice - give up or leave.

-I love you.

-And I love you.

Show me.

It's not about love.

Where's Lee?

-Why won't it print?

-Where's he gone?

-I've checked the leads.

-Have you two argued?

-This computer's ancient.

Mum, where's he gone?

He's staying at his mum's for a few days. She's not been well lately.

Shift. Press print then OK.

Drugs and HIV?

It's for work.

-When's he coming home?

-Research for a course I'm doing.

I don't know.

# Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?

# Does that make me crazy? #

-Can you take me to training after school?

-Do you want some money?

There's no point, it's two buses. I can't get there on time.

I'm trying my best.

How come you always mess things up?

# But think twice

# That's my only advice

# Mmm, come on now

# Who do you Who do you, who do you

# Who do you think you are?

# Ha, ha-ha, bless your soul

# You really think you're in control Woo-ooh ooh-ooh... #

I didn't know you were up.

I've done my packed lunch.

-I've fed the cat.

-Have you been running around the park?

-I'll clean up when I've finished school.

-Are you running around the park hoping to see him?

-Is it another woman? Is that why you threw him out?

-No.

It's worse.

I might be able to finish work early, take you to training.

-Doesn't matter.

-Why?

I've missed too much, they've dropped me from the team.

Erm, Grandma phoned. She's coming round tonight seeing as we, "Can't be bothered to go and see her."

-'Television, Coca Cola. Gambling.'

-SHE MOUTHS

-No.

-Steal from you?

-No.

-Does he work?

-Yeah.

-It's not that bad, then, is it?

-He's an addict.

-We're all addicts.

-You don't understand.

-That's what addicts say.

-Who actually has a problem here? Him or you?

Cotton roll, please.

You look a bit pale.

Migraine. I can't get rid of it.

The holiday will do you good.

-I've changed my mind. Lee can't go.

-That's a shame.

Put your tongue forward for me.

It's a rotten situation he's in...

part-time casual work.

When you don't work, they don't pay you.

Go on holiday and they find someone else.

I'll need the high-speed and surgical blade. (Oh, zip.)

Oh. Sorry.

£6.40 that taxi cost me.

Bus pass?! What's the use of a bus pass without buses.

6.40.

I've been busy.

Not busy cleaning.

-Is Lee at work?

-Yeah.

He's gone, hasn't he? Bitten the dust.

What do you mean?

Oh, I can always tell. You've had enough men, one way or another.

-I always know when they've gone.

-He hasn't gone.

Make sure the next one can decorate,

that spare bedroom's still got bare walls.

We're getting round to it.

-Can't you find a man that's a bit handy.

-All right, Gran.

Hello, Shirley. Nice to see you. Been rugby training.

It's a faff getting there, so Lee picked me up in a taxi.

Taxi?! Must be made of money.

-I thought you weren't playing today?

-Lee spoke to the coach.

I told him it was my fault.

-Cup of tea, Shirl?

-Stay there, I'll make it.

Going for a shower, Gran. I'm stinking.

-Everything all right then, is it?

-Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

You've still not got around to decorating that spare bedroom.

-I've bought the paint.

-Do you want another scone?

Yeah, that one were dry. And make sure tea's a bit stronger.

I'm 75 and my house is spotless.

-Always was.

-Kirsty works full time,

-you never did. Are you staying for tea?

-I may as well.

-Do you know how much it cost me to get here?

-£6.40.

Are you are going to stay?

It'll be different this time with me helping you.

What if I can't stop?

You will. I can see it.

Think positive.

You just have to think positive.

What are you doing?

Right. The yellow leaflet is leisure centre classes, days and times.

Blue one - swimming times.

-Be active, that's the key.

-I go running every morning.

-Well, keeping occupied is going to take your mind off it.

-Who wants mushrooms?

-Me.

-Not me.

-Keep your voice down.

-I want you to mark on the calendar, every time you...

-You are joking?

-Research shows it helps.

-Research can sod of.

Mark it on the calendar!

In ink or blood?

Lee - mushrooms, no egg.

-Thanks.

-Smells lovely.

-How do you fancy abseiling?

-TOGETHER: What?!

Migraine.

Thanks.

OK.

It's the loneliness that gets you.

Terrified anybody will find out.

No. They'd think I was a stupid cow, worse than him.

No, I'm not suicidal.

The computer helps.

Message boards, advice.

And then it hit me.

There are other Kirstys talking about their Lees.

I thought we were unique.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Right, we've got mint tea to help you sleep.

Peppermint for digestion.

Green tea for vitality.

Milk thistle for your liver.

Ginger tablets for sickness, antihistamines,

and nicotine patches for me.

-Swimming again?

-Swimming again.

Tennis. Circuit training.

Badminton.

Oh! Oh-ho!

-The telly's dead.

-It's probably a fuse.

-Water's freezing.

-Electric's gone. The fuse is in the shed.

-Give me a minute. I'll do it.

-You're not even dressed.

What are you doing?

Why hide it? I know now, so just tell me and put it on the calendar.

It's that look in your eyes.

-Which is why the calendar thing makes it easier.

-It doesn't make it easier for me.

-It's easier when I expect it.

-Always expect.

-What?

-Expect to find it. That way you won't be disappointed because I'll keep failing.

It doesn't matter if you fail.

We'll keep trying.

Here we are - Nonsense Anonymous.

Don't worry. Be yourself. Everyone's the same as you.

Believe me, it's full of lunatics, homeless losers.

They only meet up at these places to score.

-I can smell smoke. You've just had a cigarette.

-Didn't enjoy it.

Kept thinking of you trying to be strong.

Don't blame your addiction on mine.

-Going inside is a waste of time.

-You're afraid.

What have I got to be afraid of?

Going inside and seeing what you could become.

SHE CRIES

HE BREATHES ERRATICALLY

-We were going to play tennis.

-You know what will happen if you carry on like this?

Checking my phone, going through my pockets, following me around?

-What?

-You'll make me into a better liar.

You looked shattered. Go to bed.

Watch where you're going, OK?

Yeah.

-What happened?

-You do know you've not got your name tag on?

-That patient, what happened to her?

-Oh, she tripped over a paving stone.

Shame. Won't be able to fit her crowns now.

Well, she was fine. She looked fine, didn't she?

She wasn't too thin, like they're supposed to be.

-She was polite and well dressed, wasn't she?

-I presume that's how it is with that sort of person.

What do you mean 'that sort of person'?

Drug addicts. Fine one minute, the next...

Are you all right?

What?

Come on. Come on!

Come on!

I think I can make a difference.

-Powerless.

-Mum, the man I love is a drug addict.

Is that the only man you can get?

-I can't see...

-INDISTINCT SPEECH

I can make a difference.

They have a chance in a loving environment.

-The environment gets ruined.

-Are you making love?

-I can make a difference.

-Get yourself tested.

Inadequate, every man you get.

-One bad bag and he's dead.

-He's dead and your son finds him.

-I can make a difference.

-Expectations are the killer.

-The queen of bad choices.

-When they go out.

Don't expect him to come back.

You can't change them.

I can. I can. I can make a difference.

Mum?

Mum, are you all right?

What do you want? Eh?

What do you want?

What do you expect? What the hell do you want?

What would you want if you were in my shoes?

Will you pass me two parsnips?

I'm trying to cut down.

-What?

-I've cut down.

You want me to talk, well, I'm talking.

Not here. We'll be home in a minute.

-Answers come when they come.

-How much have you cut down?

-Half. Pay for the apples.

-Stuff the apples.

How do we talk about something this big, this terrible?

I mean, where do I start?

Guilt, shame, the money I spend?

Death, that's a good place to start because I should have been dead years ago.

The mates who've OD'd, the relationships I've screwed up.

Everyone said, "Look at him. No friends, relationships, he's lost it."

But on the gear you don't need friends, you don't need anything.

It's like having sex. Better than sex.

-Can you imagine that?

-No.

Heroin, it's everything. This sexy wonderful woman that you can't get enough of.

Then you wake up one day and she's a nagging wife.

You wake up again and she's an old hag,

but you're chained to her and she can't get enough of you.

In my nightmares...

-..I watch her eat me.

-Lee. Lee.

Then I met you and Sam and for the first time I was something more.

You are more. You're a good person. Everyone likes you.

I'm a clown. I play to the gallery.

Oh, God. I wish you could see yourself like I see you.

You're humble, you're patient with people I wouldn't give the time of day to -

drunks, door-to-door salesmen, nutters who shout at traffic.

-I can't do this!

-You can. If you fail you'll try again.

We'll keep trying together.

Your body goes into meltdown.

Snakes inside your skin, wriggling around.

It's not like it is in the movies.

What can I do?

Just get the veggies, cook tea.

-Detox centres.

-More drugs inside than out.

-Retreats?

-Great food, great location, nothing like reality.

-Psychologists?

-Get lost.

-Sober housing?

-So called cos no-one's sober in 'em.

-12-step meetings?

-God. No, thank you.

-Acupuncture?

-More needles.

-Aromatherapy.

-No.

-Hypnosis, homeopathy, massage, meditation?

-No.

-Outdoor treatment centres?

-Scraping...

# Lays me down

# With my mind she runs

# Throughout the night

# No need to fight

# Never a frown... #

-# Na-nah... #

-Turn it off! Turn it off!

What sort of person sings along to a song like that?

What sort of person judges somebody by their bloody teeth?

What sort of person doesn't understand?

What sort of person...?

What sort...?

Lee's here.

-Can I have your keys?

-I'm coming back to work.

Yes, yes.

-I'm coming back to work.

-Of course, but the drug cupboard keys?

I think it's best if I keep those for now.

Tell me, then.

Has she got cancer or something?

-No, nothing like that. She's not ill-ill.

-So what's wrong with her?

-It's complicated.

-Lee, that's my mum lying there.

-I know.

-So do something.

-What brought it on?

-She's been under a lot of pressure, worrying.

-Never content, that's her trouble. What are you going to do?

-I don't know.

-Is she addicted to something?

-Making people happy.

She doesn't get that from your side of the family.

Sorry, I pressed coffee by mistake.

Aw, thanks.

I'll pretend it's tea.

I couldn't stop, not even with patches or gum.

-It doesn't matter.

-I tell you to quit and I can't even give up the cigs.

I'm useless.

-Don't ever think that.

-This is the best relationship I've ever had.

You hold my hand when we're asleep.

-I can't live without you.

-Same here.

But with you like this, I obsess, I imagine.

-I was in a dark place.

-I know.

I can't put my life on hold until you're ready.

I never asked you to.

I have to... I have to be selfish.

So when I'm OK...I'm going to go on holiday with Sam.

Just me and Sam.

I'm not even going to think about you. Just me and Sam.

Good.

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