The Test Moving On

BAND PLAYS JAZZ MUSIC

I think it's your round.

Didn't I get the last one?

Well, I need the loo. You go, I'll pay.

I'll settle up with you later.

APPLAUSE

The band are going to be taking a break for now,

so why don't you get yourselves to the bar

and relax to the sounds of Jack Bacon.

-What can I get you?

-This lady was here first.

Oh, em...two G & T's.

I would have been here all night.

-I should get you a martini.

-Martini?

Shaken not stirred.

-Have you not got served yet? I'm parched!

-Just coming!

Gabe?

Cyn. Morris. Well, I was Ferguson.

We were in the same class together at primary school.

Come on, surely I haven't aged that much?

Your mother used to pass biscuits to you through the railings.

Went into engineering after school.

You must be good with your hands.

HE SIGHS

Frank'll wave you in now.

The trouble with good-looking men -

they don't have to try, so they're total bores.

You nervous about tomorrow then?

I'm petrified. I'm fine at the driving until I get to the test.

Then I have to go like this so I can tell left from right.

You've worked so hard, you deserve to pass.

I should have passed last time except that bloke on the bike cut us up.

I dread to think how much those lessons have cost.

Everybody learns to drive after they've got a licence.

I wish I could take the test for you.

Anyone for another tipple?

No, thanks, no. It's a big day tomorrow.

Cyn's got her driving test.

You could have one more though, couldn't you?

I could get Cyn a cab, Theresa could stay for a dance.

I'm in the band that's playing after,

-hence the tux.

-What do you play?

Trumpet.

Hang around, you might enjoy it.

What?

-I'm not your keeper!

-Cyn...

Cyn, I'm only going to stay for one song.

I just don't want to seem ignorant.

-You don't mind, do you?

-No.

Here is a bit of something.

Open it in the morning, before your test.

BAND PLAYS UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

My grandad played the euphonium in a colliery band,

I had to carry his case for him.

So when my uncle died

they gave me his trumpet.

Just as well, my other uncle played the tuba!

-Oh, no. I'm out of practice.

-C'mon.

# You're my funny valentine

# Sweet comic valentine

# You make me smile with my heart... #

I wanted to be the next Chet Baker,

my dad wanted me to bring regular money in.

And your dad won?

Yeah. I'd tickets to see him at Manchester Free Trade Hall,

March 1963.

They were like gold dust, them tickets.

Cost me a fortnight's wages.

I'd have loved to have seen Chet Baker.

So would I! The wastrel didn't turn up.

Oh, er, what do I owe you?

No, no, no. Let me get it.

Are you sure? Thank you.

I don't suppose you'd...?

Yes?

Nothing. Thank you.

# ..Stay little valentine

# Stay

# Each day is Valentine's Day... #

Coffee?

Have you got something...stronger?

Em... Do you like ginger wine?

Yeah, let's have a Whisky Mac.

I haven't got any whisky.

I've got some ginger ale somewhere. Does ginger ale go off?

There's a Dean Martin joke about ginger ale.

He saw an ad saying, "Drink Canada Dry,"

so he went there and he did.

And I have got some ice,

but the tray in the ice cabinet keeps getting stuck.

Does it?

It probably needs defrosting.

I should really turn the...

-Oh, God!

-Hey, hey. Leave it.

It's a mess!

It's not.

I like it. It's wild.

Wild.

I've always been the quiet one...

Cyn's the wild card.

It's good, that,

even on show.

I'm a sucker for a mystery.

I think it's traditional to smoke at this juncture,

but I've given up.

So have I... apart from special occasions.

And this is a special occasion?

I've never been swept off my feet before.

What, never?

-I thought you were married?

-I was.

SHE SIGHS

-TEARFULLY:

-22 years.

And you never...?

I wish I hadn't said anything.

-You're laughing at me.

-I'm not.

I'm honoured.

It's the most flattering thing I have ever been told.

How old were you?

When?

When you had tickets to see Chet Baker.

I don't know, 21 maybe?

-SHE SIGHS

-I was already married at 21.

I wanted to go to Paris for my birthday.

I got a twin tub.

Oh...

HE KISSES HER

I'm going to be late.

Hm? Eh?

I can't.

Aren't you retired?

Do you think I'd be wearing this if I wasn't being paid?!

There are 23-year-olds who wouldn't look as good as you in those shoes.

I'm old enough to be retired, I just can't afford it.

Ooh! Oh.

We can go straight from work. £20 each into the kitty.

If we start at the Air Bar, it's 2-4-1 till seven anyway.

We could soak up the booze with an early bird special -

sausage and mash. The mash is a bit lumpy,

but if you like Italian, they do a good panini.

We could invite partners.

But it wouldn't really be a work's drink then, would it?

Plus you wouldn't want to drink with some of the goons this lot go out with!

So if we said...Friday after next?

I'm all loaded. I'm on Route Three, Andrew.

Thank you.

You're up for it, aren't you?

GEARS CRUNCH

TYRES SQUEAL

ENGINE REVS NOISILY

TYRES SQUEAL

You're all right. It's not alcohol.

It's a flower remedy.

It's calming.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh.

SHE UNZIPS HER BAG

Cyn, how did it go?

SHE TUTS AND SIGHS

No, I can't.

I've got to pick Chloe up after school and take her to drama when I finish.

They've paid for the classes.

No, I can't!

That's not fair.

I'm not responding to emotional blackmail. I'm not!

Hi, Auntie Cyn.

You should get it checked.

-And you definitely shouldn't be doing that.

-No, you are all right.

It was just heartburn.

No-one else to do it anyway!

The house looks derelict.

-Japanese knotweed everywhere!

-Technically that's a flower.

And that flower remedy didn't work either!

It's pure ageism!

They just don't like the idea of an older woman behind the driving seat!

Soon as you pass the menopause, they think you've gone gaga!

First sign of a hot flush, they chuck you on the scrap heap.

Oh, I am sorry, I didn't think I was boring you!

You're not boring, I'm just tired.

I didn't sleep last night.

Gabe stayed.

What, all night?

Yeah.

In your bed?

Yeah.

Where did you sleep?

I didn't.

What should I wear?

He's cooking for me tonight at his.

I can't get too dressed up cos he won't be.

-Grandma, can we go now?

-So is the offer still on?

-Mum will go mad!

-What offer?

To take my test for me.

We are meant to be back at six!

-SHE LAUGHS

-I wasn't serious.

Ahh.

I wasn't serious!

-Sorry, we got held up, but she's had her tea.

-What was it this time, Mum?

Anxiety, agoraphobia? Oh, no... She's moved up the alphabet.

What is she now, borderline bipolar?

Look, Cyn's had a terrible day.

When she gets to S, I don't mind taking her to Zurich.

Hard to get into but this one's worth the effort.

I've only ever had them once.

My husband didn't really like foreign food.

They're indigenous. The Victorian poor used to forage for them and eat them pickled!

I've seen them on menus at £15, even as a starter!

-Did you and your wife eat out a lot?

-Oh.

This one's proving resistant.

Was she a good cook?

Are you any good at chopping, eh?

We shouldn't really encourage each other.

Shouldn't we?

# I love Paris in the springtime

# I love Paris in the fall

# I love Paris in the wintertime... #

French wine?

I wouldn't put it on my chips.

And it's expensive, Paris.

It's two for one here. We could get them and split it.

No. Half of it always gets wasted.

Unless you want to come round after for something to eat.

Can we make it another night?

When I've dropped you off, I've got to get ready.

-Lynnie's invited us round.

-"Us"?

She wants to meet Gabe.

You'll like him when you get to know him.

That's what you said about Eddie.

He's nothing like Eddie!

They're all on their best behaviour in the beginning.

He uses fabric softener!

-What?

-Fabric softener, so everything smells nice.

No, he's not gay!

-Well, he's still trouble.

-He's not.

He's more like Eddie than you think.

Nothing like Eddie.

Gabe's a wife beater.

But you haven't seen Gabe for years.

No...

Well, I know his ex-wife.

We used to be in that yoga class together.

And she left him because he... used to knock her about.

And I've been meaning to tell you but you seemed so happy.

£4.50 a packet.

Used to be cheaper to kill yourself.

When you're young, you think you're invincible.

-You're strong.

-Am I?

How many times did Eddie lose his wages and you still managed?

Because you emptied your cupboards for me.

What about that time when he went AWOL when you were having Lynnie?

You carried on.

Didn't have much choice.

And you were there...

And I'll always be there for you...

won't I?

I'm your best friend.

It's the same box as I use. We'll look identical.

We should have done a patch test.

"Allow at least 24 hours before."

That's only if you've got allergies.

What happens if we get caught?

You're over 60 years old.

Nobody notices, nobody cares. You could stick on a false beard and you'd still get away with it.

It's like a nest fell on your head.

Oh, God, now we're both going to look like Anne Widdecombe!

See...

Sorry.

And, erm...

It's looking lovely... It looks lovely at the back, actually.

Hi, Lynnie!

She looks younger, doesn't she?

You don't look like you!

I just fancied a change.

What, into single white granny?

It's taken years off her!

I thought you looked better before.

DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCK AT DOOR

I just saw the curtains move.

Can I come in?

What have you done to your hair?

Nothing.

-I'm a bit busy.

-You've been busy all week.

Just tell me we didn't click.

That it was nothing special.

It was a big mistake. Here.

Well, I appreciate you trying.

I'll get you a coffee.

Yes!

Listen, I can't stay.

I said I'd be back in work at two.

No, no! We've got to celebrate.

Take tomorrow off, we'll make a day of it. We'll go to the seaside.

-I haven't been to the beach in years.

-And I'll drive!

It's motorway, it's all lorries!

You've got to get to know the roads, have a couple of lessons

before you can do a big trip.

I'm going. Let's leave it!

But I've looked at the rota, there's enough people in to cover.

It's not convenient.

I'd have to shift all the routes around and I've done them now.

I wouldn't ask, only I'm owed nearly a week in lieu.

You've been keeping a tally, then?

This won't look good on your appraisal.

Jobs like this aren't ten a penny. That office phone never stops ringing

with people asking if we've any vacancies.

CRUNCHING

BUZZING

I think that might be your clutch.

You're all right. It always smells like that.

Oh, come on! We're going to have a good time!

Mirrors, signal, manoeuvre!

-Mirror, signal, manoeuvre!

-Yeah, a woman in a car, get used to it!

Size isn't everything, you know!

TOOTS HORN

Honestly! Some people!

TOOTS HORN

Oh, for heaven's sake! I'm all right.

-Do you want one?

-No.

You can have a drink after this if you want.

No, you're all right. Booze makes me sleepy during the day.

You could have a nap on the way home.

And it gives me headache.

Get a magazine, you can read on the way back.

They're all rubbish!

-I'd like to drive.

-So would I.

You don't want to be driving in rush hour

till you've got more experience.

I don't mind. It'll help me learn.

Be fairer if I drive us back.

Then we'll both have done a bit.

-You're not insured.

-I drove it on the test.

And if you'd had a crash, you'd have had to keep pretending to be me.

I am driving us back.

Cyn, I am not getting in that car again with you driving! I'm just not!

MOBILE RINGS

-Mum, are you having a good time?

-Yeah.

Are you busy?

It's Chloe's parent's evening later.

Why?

-Are you all right?

-I'm fine!

-Just seeing what you were up to.

-All right.

Bye, Mum.

HORN PLAYS

HORN PLAYING CONTINUES

Can we stop being daft?

You know it's a good sign when we can still have a banter.

We couldn't argue like this if we weren't proper friends.

Are your feet hurting?

Yeah!

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Come on.

-Ooh, God!

-Oh, look at it.

Come on. Let's get out of this rain.

Do you remember when the papers used to announce a wedding,

and they'd say, "The couple have gone on honeymoon..."

"..On the West Coast."

A day trip to Blackpool.

I wish you'd let me drive.

If I don't drive, I won't learn.

You only learn to drive after the test.

You said so yourself.

Remember?

MOBILE RINGS

-It's Gabe.

-Oh! Has he not got the message by now?

-Ignore it!

-He keeps ringing.

-It's cos he's pushy!

-I'll answer it, I'll tell him I'm not interested.

For goodness' sake, don't encourage him. If you never answer, he'll stop.

I'm outside your house.

'I know you don't want to talk to me, but I need to know

'how I screwed up the best thing that's happened to me for years.'

If you'd any human courtesy, you'd tell me what I've done.

Ask your ex-wife.

-What does that mean?

-'He'll lie!'

No wonder you clammed up when I mentioned her.

What are you talking about?

You're not supposed to use a mobile in the car!

Did you knock your wife about?

Of course he did! He'd be lying if he said he didn't!

What sort of a question's that? No! I haven't got an ex.

-SHE RANTS

-'I'm a widower.'

I was married for 35 years.

I didn't want to talk about her because it's not easy watching someone you love suffer.

-Don't let him soft-soap you!

-Why?

C'mon Cyn, why?

CAR HORNS HONK

The road!

LOUD CRASH

SIRENS WAIL

CYN'S VOICE ECHOES

'Where's Theresa? I want Theresa. Get her, get Theresa.'

'I want Theresa.'

I need to get our Chloe back.

There's nothing more you can do here.

We'll ring later.

You two go. I'm...I'm not leaving.

I should never have let her drive.

She's a terrible driver.

You weren't to know.

She passed her test.

No, she didn't.

I took it for her.

-You're not allowed to do that, Grandma!

-Grandma's joking.

She's got a bizarre sense of humour.

Haven't you?

Here. There's a machine at the end, get yourself some chocolate, go on.

I've heard it all now.

That could have been you in the hospital bed.

You've got a grandchild, for God's sake!

-What did you think you were doing?

-I don't know.

-She's my friend.

-Friend?

She's fine,

she's got a widow's pension.

This comes out, and your boss will be chucking your cards at you.

You'll lose your job. You drive for a living.

I've had enough of this. Come on, we're going.

Why aren't you coming?

Cos she hasn't got anybody else.

And you know why.

She's a leech.

Come here. Come here!

The police... Come here...

The police are going to be wanting to speak to us.

We'll have to get our stories straight.

I know what I need to say.

-I'm sorry.

-You're joking?

You're not.

You're not, are you? Oh, no! Please, you can't say anything. Please!

It's humiliating enough for me being in here.

I could be crippled for life!

-It's just a few stitches.

-It was that far away from an artery.

Please, please, no!

Don't tell anyone!

If I don't tell the police,

you'll get back in that car and you'll do the same thing again.

-I won't!

-You will.

And next time you'll kill some poor beggar.

That is a ridiculous thing to say.

You know I'll never get behind a steering wheel again. I promise.

-I can't trust you.

-Of course you can!

Look at me.

Oh, oh, oh! I've got pains all up my leg!

It's searing! Can you call a nurse, please? Just call a nurse.

Theresa?

Theresa!

Right. Let's get started, shall we?

There wouldn't even be snack machines.

-They were my little innovation...

-Can I have a word in private, Andrew?

-You couldn't buy a Twix on site when I started.

-I don't want to interrupt anything, but...

SHE DROPS KEYS Woah, woah! What's this?

Van keys.

I won't be driving for a while.

It's been a pleasure working with you, Andrew,

-but I'm handing my notice in.

-From when?

From now.

You can't.

It's in your contract - standard procedure, two weeks.

You never got round to putting me under contract.

And while we're on standard procedure,

I don't want to be rude or anything,

but when you've washed under your arms, try using deodorant.

Aren't I supposed to get a phone call?

I want to speak to a lawyer.

I don't know any lawyers.

It wasn't my idea.

Theresa suggested it, she wanted to do it.

We've got a statement from Theresa McDonald to that effect.

She admitted it?

We know you were reluctant,

that she talked you into it.

Well... I bet that didn't need much prodding.

'I can see the expression of holiness now.

'"I cannot tell a lie."'

'She thinks she's living in a Hovis advert

'where we all have to make do and mend.'

'She found a purse once...

'£120 in it.

'She had about six quid left to last her the week and she still handed it in.

'Couldn't bear to miss a chance to show how much better she is than the rest of us.

'She's not normal.

'If she does overtime, she puts when she actually finishes.

'I've told her that it makes everybody else look bad,

'but all she's bothered about is herself.

'She's always been the same.

'When we were kids, her mother only had to look at her sideways

'and she'd be spilling the beans, getting me into trouble.

'She's a martyr, thinks you've got to work for everything.

'She wants to take a good look round.

'She's the only one on her street that's not knee-deep in credit.'

'I bet she's wearing sackcloth and ashes right now.'

Thanks!

I'm being took to court because of you.

We're both being prosecuted.

I suppose you think that makes it better.

Here, I don't want it.

It's yours. It was a present.

I had a panic attack today.

I nearly ended up in hospital again.

You know my nerves are shot,

but you still had to shoot your big mouth off!

I'm surprised you had the strength to get a cab here.

I've been running round after you for years.

I had one last chance of happiness,

and you did everything possible to mess it up.

And God knows I had enough bad years to warrant something better.

Those times when I had to go to A&E...

nights when I'd be terrified cos he'd be coming home after a skinful.

And all the times,

you were there with me.

You're a bloody selfish cow,

but you're still my friend.

Can we go for a drink now?

Not tonight.

Is that a new dress?

HOLLOW LAUGH

TRUMPET PLAYS

BAND PLAYS "MY FUNNY VALENTINE"

# You're my funny valentine

# Sweet comic valentine

# You make me smile with my heart

# Your looks are laughable

# Unphotographable

# Yet you're my favourite work of art

# Is your figure less than Greek... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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