Get a Round Performance Live

This programme contains strong language.

This year is the 70th anniversary of the Edinburgh Festival

and there are over 3,000 shows performing at the fringe.

One of those is by theatre company Eggs Collective,

who, like me, are no strangers to the festival.

They've been performing their show, Get A Round,

live on stage, every night, here at Summerhall

and what you're about to see is a special version,

filmed in the Star & Garter in their home town of Manchester,

a city that prides itself on generosity of spirit

and having a good time.

It's an homage to the boozer, to friendship and the glory of finding

salvation around sticky tables and ripped-open crisp packets.

It's part of a strand called Performance Live,

bringing shows produced by some of today's most exciting

artists to the small screen.

As with any big night out, expect strong language, politics and pints.

But luckily, you won't have to queue for a taxi at the end.

Welcome to Manchester.

We're Eggs Collective

and tonight, we're taking you on a massive night out.

Because, let's face it, the world needs one at the minute.

Before we get started,

here are our three golden rules for an epic night out...

Rule number one...

If you haven't got the money, it doesn't matter,

accept a drink and don't bang on about it.

Rule number two...

And by that we mean there's no half-measures tonight.

And rule number three...

And that, my friends, is it.

Ready? First round's on us!

ALL: Manchester! Open or closed?!

LOUD CHEERING

MUSIC: I Get Around by the Beach Boys

Yes!

This is our game, it's called Open Or Closed

and we always play it.

Whatever's going on out there, you can forget it all,

come in here and be open with us.

Whoo!

Absolutely brilliant. You guys are bloody powerful.

As our dear friend Michael Barrymore would say,

you guys are our kind of people.

I think tonight is going to be certifiably massive.

-Tonight could be the night we start a revolution, right?

-Yeah!

An amazing night where we ruin our best shoes, sweat Shiraz,

puke up salty chips, bang on, storm off and live like absolute dons.

Yes. Hey...

And I don't want to jinx it, but I think tonight, here,

with these guys,

it could be as big as the night we had Bristol Cream with Drake.

Or, Sara, the Night of the Three Wines?

-Oh...

-Yeah?

-Ah, that was a big night for you, wasn't it?

-You mad 'ead!

-It was that. What am I like?

Or there could be a 7am trip to Timpson's,

like on the night of the padlocked scrotum.

Mm.

My nads are still stinging from that...

It could be anything, because right now, we're doing the bit

just before everything kicks off.

We're saying hello, we're checking our lippy,

we're fighting over who's going to get the first round in.

Think I'll leave them to it.

We don't know which way tonight's going to go. It could go any way.

Like, you didn't know on the morning of the Night of the Two

Brothers it was going to be the Night of the Two Brothers.

Like, at that point, you didn't even know they were related.

No! No idea.

-I mean, come to think of it, there was a family resemblance, but...

-Yeah, but you didn't KNOW.

Tonight could be one of those amazing nights

where everyone is somehow in the right mood.

Everyone's wearing shoes that they can dance in,

nobody's feeling tired, or hungry,

or sort of weirdly ashamed for some reason they don't understand.

And it could be wild! Like, in a few hours' time,

we could all be wildly swapping contact lenses.

Now, it is a good job you lot are up for it,

because tonight is going to be a game-changer.

Yes, it is.

-MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

-Tonight is going to be a game-changer, right?

Hey, we've all got problems,

but we're going to leave those out there.

I'm not going to let them seep in. Not tonight. Right?

And they don't know it, but I've got a plan. I'm going to save them.

And I'll save you.

MUSIC STOPS

And then, I'm going to get cheesy chips on the way home.

Now, we can't have a massive night out, just the three of us.

-Believe me, we've tried.

-It does not work. Doesn't work.

Tonight, we are going to need everybody.

In fact, we've come up with a list of all the people we need for a big

night out, and, Manchester, I think you'll find...

it's been laminated.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Now, you know who these people are, don't worry about it,

you've met them a million times before on every night out you've

ever been on, so let's see who we've got in, shall we?

This is the part of the night where you meet everyone properly.

You're all polite now, "Ooh, how's your week been?"

And "Ooh, what is it you do?"

But give it five minutes

and this lot will be in each other's arms,

channelling their inner bears on the dance floor.

So, first up, we are going to need someone

to be our Charlie Chuck-up for the evening.

That's the person who's going to spend half the night in the loos. Any takers?

Over here, Lowri, in the corner.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

-Now, we need a small group of Pervs.

-Oh, that is actually what

is known as a frottage of pervs.

Yeah, that is the collective noun.

I think you guys.

Good. Thank you.

-Oh, now, we have got The Glitterball.

-Here!

-This Disco Is Making Me Political.

-Here!

And the Archbishop of Banterbury. Oi! Oi! That's me!

What am I like?!

I have got some absolute classics lined up for you tonight.

I've got bants in my pants.

Right, you lot, gather round. Here's a cheeky little chronicle

from the old bibliotheque.

-I went out this one night, right? I was...

-Fantastic!

But we are just doing the list, so if you could see your way

to putting the bants back in your pants for now,

that would be great.

Thanks, Archbishop. All right,

-now we need Hugh Watt.

-You what?

Hugh Watt, yeah, is the person who isn't quite with it.

Isn't quite with it, for some reason.

Maybe he had a few too many drinks early doors or maybe it's something

else, but basically, they need everything explaining

to them a few times, OK?

All right, so, Hugh, babe, listen.

What we're doing here - yeah -

is a list of people that we need on the night out, yeah?

Right.

Yeah.

We're having a massive night out.

Right.

Yes, he's got it! Whay!

Can I get a Sam from Accounts?

Hi, Sam.

And a Prisoner of Chatskaban. OK, I'll demonstrate.

OK, when somebody puts you in the prison of Chatskaban,

they start talking to you. They lock you with eye contact

and, before you know it, you're trapped. You have never met

this person before, but they keep talking to you and you are thinking,

"Why me? What have I done to deserve this?" You're looking round,

-seeing what else is going on in the room.

-She's latched.

Now, we need the Emphatic Huggers.

Well, we are all going to do that one, all right?

Not just yet.

Bit early. But you'll know when the time is right. So, until then,

Pervs, keep your hands to yourselves.

Yeah, where I can see 'em.

And, last but not least, we need a DJ No Requests, so...

Hey.

Erm...have you got any of Mick Hucknall's solo stuff?

MUSIC: Atomic by Blondie

TRIO CHEER WILDLY

Wait, wait, wait, wait...

-Stop, stop, stop, stop.

-MUSIC STOPS

OK, Hugh...

do you get it?

I'll explain.

So, what happened was, Lowri said to him,

"DJ No Requests." Then, she asked for Mick Hucknall's solo stuff...

-Mm-hm.

-..but he played...

A different song.

Good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Atomic by Blondie

I love this bit. It's about two drinks in, all right?

And everybody's glowing - and not in a wholesome way.

We are shaking off the shitstorm now. I can't even remember who

Katie Hopkins is any more.

Anyone sitting here?

It's all getting a bit wavy in here, if you know what I mean.

Last time I felt like this, it was the Night of the Three Wines.

Oh, my God.

Have I told you about that one?

No, you don't know about the Night of the Three Wines.

Right, budge up. You're going to love this one.

So, I went out this one night, right, and I've got on this

brand-new blue dress and a necklace that was so massive

I looked just like the bloody Lord Mayor of Wetherspoon's,

whatever he's called. You know him, don't you? She knows him.

Right. So I'm out, right, and I've got on, like,

-you know that...

-Right, this is the part of the night where suddenly

all conversations fizzle out at the same time and everyone

in the pub is listening to the one person who is telling

an absolutely mad anecdote.

I've had not five, not four, but three small wines -

and I'm on the floor.

One sniff of the barman's apron, as me dad would say.

So, I'm lying on the floor, right,

worshipping at the old porcelain throne, if you get me, mate.

Banter.

Well, almost everyone... Chatskaban.

We are so much more than our names written in felt tip

on the side of a paper cup.

Three small wines and I am launching my guts up into the bog.

Classic. What am I like?! And then, my mates are in the cubicle with me.

They've come to see the show.

Those paper cups. Half the country's drinking out of them

and the other half's begging out of them.

And my mates are like,

"What are you like? You absolute legend.

"We have seen some top-quality mash-heads in our time,

"but you, my friend, you are King of the goddamned Hill."

She's cracking up! Look at her!

Wait for it, mate, right?

Next thing I know, someone in the neighbouring cubicle

pops their head over, right? They're like,

"Mate, pull her legs back under, will you?"

So, they do. You know how they wind in firemen's hoses?

She does.

So, there I was. Firmly wedged under the old influence, as they say.

And another thing, self-service check-outs?!

Hold that thought.

They really chap my arse.

Yeah. "Oh, thank you.

"I'll put that on my CV, shall I? A quick unpaid internship

"on my lunch hour."

Oh! This disco is making her political.

How do you explain a tax loophole to a child?

And...what happens if you like the sound of your own echo chamber?

Mm. Now, this isn't even politics. This is just common sense.

Why are there suddenly a lot of princesses everywhere?

And...is it just me or does everyone look a little bit more like

a porn star these days?

I mean, that's all right, isn't it? Cos that's a choice.

But what happens if the menu is a little bit shit?

Michelle Heaton is Mum of the Year. Nigel Farage has got a pint

in his hand, Jeremy Hunt has got the keys to the hospital

and Gary Barlow is salt of the Earth!

God, I need a wee!

What's she like?

This is exactly like the night, right, she was drinking

on antibiotics and then she took herself off for a little swim

in the Manchester Ship Canal.

BOTH: A legend.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Right!

-Time for another round, methinks.

-Yes.

-Yes, ladies!

-Yes, please!

OK. This will be hilarious. She thinks I'm getting her...

-..a large house white!

-I'm going to get her a pint

of Baileys and lemonade, aka "the creamy curdler".

Thanks, mate!

If she gets me another bloody pint of Baileys and lemonade...

Hey, listen! Move up. Thank you.

Do you guys know what time it is now? I bet you don't, do you?

No? Well, don't worry, cos I do.

It is - wait for it -

karaoke time.

WHOOPING

It's our chance to shine, guys!

Maybe you want to get the whole pub going with a rendition

of Sweet Caroline. Or you might meet the love of your life

during a rendition of I Got You Babe.

I don't know. Or, perhaps...

DJ No Requests...

CLICKING FINGERS

..play my song.

MUFFLED MUSIC

Yeah, can you pump it up a little more, please?

Perhaps you just want to be the centre of attention.

You just want to feel the music in you, like you are a modern-day

Martine McCutcheon.

Like, "This is my moment."

All eyes are on me and everyone's like, "Wow."

WHOOPING

"Who is that?

"Who is that with the lips of Scarlett Johansson,

"but the wit and brains of Stephen Fry?

"God...I bet she does charity work."

I'm all right.

I've got that vibe.

WHOOPING

# Girl, you got it

# You, you, you, you

# Ooh, stop the press

# Girl, you turn me on

# And I wonder if I can take you home

# I must confess

# The tight miniskirts you wear

# I just can't help it, baby

# I can't help but stare

# Tell that DJ, "Pump it up a little more"

# Hey, girl, I gotta let you know

# You

# Got that vibe

-# Girl, you got that...

-You got that vibe

# You got that vibe

# You got that vi... Bu-bu-bu Bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu... Vibe. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is what a night out will do for you.

All right? This is why we need it.

We deserve this,

when it's all borders and billionaire presidents

and benefit caps, because that shit is easy to say

when you've never been on the other side.

But here, there are no sides.

You can Come As You Are, as the great man said.

Open your hearts, my isla bonitas.

Come and be fleetingly brave with me.

Excusez-moi, petit pois.

You've not waded through the week for nothing.

You know, come and get something off your chest.

Loosen your belts. We'll listen

and then we'll move on.

That is the way it is in here.

Hi. Erm, you know what, no-one is in charge.

And memo - no-one is better than anybody else.

All right? Not on my watch.

I look like fucking Bergerac in this.

Lowri!

Yeah.

-Can I...?

-We're alive!

Don't miss it.

Free yourself from the corporate shackles.

Ye...yeah...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

-You're welcome.

-Oh, my God.

Fucking hell. We're crossing the Rubicon now.

There's no coming back from that.

Once someone's adios-ed someone else's device,

oh-ho, strap on, my friends,

we're in the big time.

THEY SING

Right, I'll get the cards in for Braveheart over there.

Stop her falling off the horse too soon.

I tell you what. This is nothing

that 15 bags of cheesy puffs and some dry-roasted won't sort out.

15 bags of cheesy puffs...

How are you all doing? Are you all all right? Everyone?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Feeling good? Good!

CHEERING

I think we're all right. I think we're on track.

Well, This Disco's Making Me Political

has certainly come into her own, hasn't she?

Do you know what? I'm going to do it.

Fucking creamy curdler...

Disgusting. CHEERING

I am getting shots, OK?

Hmm.

The colour of tights!

It's great.

Hey, Sara, what are you doing Wednesday?

Hey-up, Braveheart's had her Filofax out.

Thank you.

It's just me and Sam from Accounts

-found these 40-quid day returns.

-Oh! Me likey the pricey.

-To Stuttgart.

-40 squids to Stuttgart?!

Don't mind if I diddly-do.

We've just got to be at East Anglia Airport

at 4.30am on Wednesday.

Are you off your chump?

-4.30.

-Sit down, Fraulein, I think you need to line your stomach.

Come on. Let's break bread, my brother.

Let the portable cheese board work its magique!

This is like me on the Night of the Three Wines.

You should have seen me then. God!

Ah...

Listen...

..if you think this is mad,

check this.

Here, pass me that mic.

OK.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

So, I went out this one night, right?

Not with these guys. I have got other mates.

And I only had three small wines.

I know what you're thinking - me, yes - but I did.

Just three small wines.

And I don't know what happened, right, but I'm on the floor.

Sparko!

Next thing I know,

I'm sat on the wet kerb outside.

I'm like bloody Tiny Tim.

Or whatever his name is. You know, don't you? Kermit's son.

Yeah. Right.

So the arse on my new blue dress is absolutely soaking,

then I'm in a taxi, right?

Giving the taxi driver some solid-gold material, no doubt.

What am I like?

I would say a heady mix of Michael McIntyre

and Bradley Walsh.

Uh...so where was I?

Wines, toilet, taxi.

Yes.

So, gets to the old homestead.

My chin's resting on the door knocker

of 37 Elcott Street, Mum opens the door,

I fall through like Del Boy in that classic ep of Only Fools,

and the next day Mum's like, "Oh, I thought you'd been raped."

Then Mum's taking me upstairs, she's getting me undressed,

I'm being sick in her toilet, right?

I'm about as useful as a turd in a kitchen at this point.

Mum's holding my hair back,

my new blue dress is crumpled in the corner, it's covered in sick

and I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she's like, "Oh, it's fine."

She's probably cracking up.

And then Mum puts me to bed on the sofa, right?

I wake up, I'm drenched in sweat and shame

and... No, don't worry. The sofa's wipe-clean. It's fine.

Anyway, the house phone's ringing, right?

Now, I look at the clock on the wall

and I can't even see what time it is

because my eyeballs are quivering.

It was mental.

And I pick up the house phone, and it's Grandad. What's he like?!

And Grandad's like, "Oh, your grandma's really poorly.

"She needs to go to hospital."

But because of the old eyeball thing,

I can't help, so...

I mean, you know, she didn't come out of hospital again, but...

What am I like?

Uh...

Is this on?

Right, you probably know this,

but if you really need to fire a rocket up the arse of a night,

you need shots. Or say somebody's bought you a drink

that tastes like skid marks? Shots!

Or some preacher has baptised your phone?

Shots!

-Hey, Sara!

-Yes?

You only got one shot.

-BOTH:

-Do not miss your chance to blow! Whoo!

-Mmm!

-Leonie?

-Yeah?

-BOTH:

-# Shot through the heart. #

Right.

-So, as the other great man once said...

-If I've got to be damned...

And you know I am going to be damned.

Then I want to be damned with you.

-ALL:

-Cheers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ah!

-Hah!

Hey, DJ No Requests, got any Meatloaf?

MUSIC: Alright by Supergrass

No way!

# We are young, we run green

# Keep our teeth nice and clean

# See our friends, see the sights

# Feel all right

# We wake up... #

It's all heating up in here. It's getting a bit spicy now.

Those that have got the money have got the rounds.

Card machine's not working but don't worry.

Let's Walk It's Not Far knows where the nearest cashpoint is.

Charlie Chuck-up's feeling a bit peaky.

Things are cranking up to gas mark 7.

Hey! Hello.

My hair!

-One?

-Yay!

-One for you.

-Whoo!

-ALL:

-Cheers!

Come with me. I've got an idea.

This'll be hilarious.

Come here, right?

Wait there. Wait there, it fucking stinks in here.

Lowri!

Hey! Whoo!

Here you are. Look at this.

Wey-hey!

It's magic.

LOWRI SHRIEKS

Hey!

Wah!

Hey!

Oh!

SHE GIGGLES

It's the first time your eyes are...

Take a picture!

Say cheese!

THEY CHEER

Oh, it's nice.

Do you want a shot?

Do you want that? Yeah, go on.

Waste shot, want shot, I always say.

So, at this point, when things have started to go a little bit west,

when maybe your phone that you loved has drowned,

maybe your zip's broken

or your contouring is starting to slightly slip,

what I like to do is really bond with some complete strangers.

Yeah? Just get a bit of love from the room, OK?

Excuse me. Can I just back in...?

There you go.

Thank you.

Ah...

Hi, Pervs.

How are you doing? Are you all right? Yeah? Good. Good.

Now, I've been meaning to ask you, actually,

what is that cologne that you're wearing? Can I smell?

Ooh. Pepper spray?

Nice. Nice.

Go on, have a drink. Have a drink, go on.

I don't take no for an answer.

Yeah? Well, sometimes...

Sometimes I take no for an answer, but you know what it's like!

You've got to be all, like, hard and fierce and lacquered

and call everyone bitches all the time and...and...

Listen. Remember.

Um, you don't need anyone else to validate you. Yeah?

LAUGHTER

Although, that is quite tricky

if you can't quite validate yourself, isn't it? It's just...

It's a bit snide, so...

Cos then, how am I supposed to know that I'm good enough,

do you know what I mean?

And I know what it sounds like - blah-blah-blah -

but that I'm thin enough and pretty enough and...and...

Oh, hi, Sam. Are you all right?

And don't tell me like, "Come on, it's just a conspiracy

"by the capitalist patriarchy to get you to buy stuff."

I know that.

I've got the Boots Advantage Card points to prove it, mate.

Look at that Glitterball go.

Hey, looks shiny, but basically...

just a load of broken glass!

Sometimes, right, when I'm out, I'll be on the dance floor

and I'll be, like, six Jagerbombs in.

All right, 12 Jagerbombs in...

Just through peer pressure, honest.

And I'll be REALLY going for it, like... I'll show you, like this.

THEY WHOOP

Yeah, I know, but this isn't even it.

When I can do it, I can REALLY do it, like this isn't...

This is not even the thing.

And I'll be really going for it and I feel amazing,

I feel like I'm like Rihanna's better, more sexually aware sister.

And then there's this guy on the other side of the room,

and he's like...

LAUGHTER

And in that moment, with the gaze of a total stranger alighting

gently, like a butterfly, on my grinding arse...

..in that moment, I feel like I'm all right.

And I'm thin enough and pretty enough, and...

It doesn't matter what happens next.

If in three years' time we're moving into a lovely two-up,

two-down decorated floor-to-ceiling in Cath Kidston,

or if in four hours' time,

we're back at his and he's wanking on my back, because it's not about...

It's not about that.

It's about THIS.

WHOOPING

LAUGHTER

And I feel like I'm all right.

And I'm enough.

And I've got that vibe.

And I can't help but wonder if that might make me a massive twat.

No, mate - you go, girlfriend!

-Ah!

-Oh, shit! Sorry, are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine!

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

What? No, it didn't even hurt, I promise. Stop fussing me.

-Just sit down! Tell you what, sit down.

-Are you all right?

I'm absolutely fine!

What? It's no biggie, this. It's not even a problem. Sit down, I'm fine.

Really. I'm fine. Do you know what? I've never been so fine, right?

And you know what? I think the time has come. All right?

We are going to take this outside.

Yeah? And before you say it, this isn't another mad plan, all right?

I am deadly serious.

OK? It's one giant leap for mankind.

But only a 15-minute walk to Manchester Town Hall.

And I've got my bolt cutters.

CHEERING

We are going to occupy the council offices. Yeah?

Start the revolution, Peterloo II.

When the people wake up, this city will be free. Yeah?

And then we storm every bus and train out of here -

they start running again at six.

And there's more of us than there is of Richard Branson.

And then we sort it out.

We sort it all out.

Who's with me?

LAUGHTER

I think someone's been watching Les Mis again.

I can't do this on my own.

I think you might have to, mate.

# Atomic

# Atomic

# Atomic... #

-ALL:

-Tune!

THEY WHOOP

-Come on! We love this one!

-We love this one!

-Hey!

We're mad. We're all fuckin' mad. This is a mad night out!

#HavingIt, #LovingIt, #BestNightEver!

#GetOffMe!

#EpicFail

#Banter! #BanthonyHWilson!

#24hourPartyPeople!

You've got that vibe, she's got that vibe, we've got that vibe!

#NotBeingFunnyBut...

#GenerationWhyBother

#TheCrisis

Slow-mo...

MUSIC BUILDS

SHE SHOUTS OUT, THEY WHOOP

#AbsoluteMash-head

#SolidGoldMaterial

#TinyTim

#Besties

#SaturdayNightsAllRight

#ThighGap

#PayGap

#LetMeGetThatForYou

#LookingOutForNumberOne

One wine, two wines, three wines, floor!

#MurderOnTheDancefloor

#Massacres, #FakeNews...

#FakeTan, #NoMakeupSelfie

#SexKitten!

#SexPest

#E-petition

#FuckThis

I've had enough.

-I'm so secure!

-Security to the dance floor!

MUSIC STOPS

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

I am all right!

I've never been so all right.

Hey, come on!

# Round, round, get around I get around, yeah... #

THEY WHOOP

Open or closed? Anyone open?

Open!

Mmm! Open or closed?

Open or closed, anyone?

Anyone still open?

-So, Hugh.

-Yeah?

You know the drinking game is the bit that we always do together?

-Come hell or high water, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Well...

Not sure that's completely going to plan.

Whoa, where's Lowri?

Whoa! She's disappearing now.

Yeah. What happened to her?

She's probably dead. How noble. Yeah.

I wish we'd tried to help her more when she was just saving the world.

They'll put on a state funeral for her now.

Chuck us that cheese board, mate.

I'll go.

Yeah, ta.

How is your phone, by the way?

-Bit battered, but...who isn't?

-Fair enough.

What? Well, you never know what might happen to her.

Rule number one, if you've got the money, get a round.

You know, she might be in there on her own,

for example, on the toilet floor, legs all wound out,

feeling like absolute shit.

I dunno.

Lowri?

SHE KNOCKS

Come on! Open or closed?

Open.

I'm not Mum of the Year, am I?

And no-one asked ME about the House of Lords.

Who decided THAT?

When do the decisions get made?

The decisions that have got us into this.

And...

I don't understand scrabbling over people to get to

a cashpoint to get to an overdraft.

Who decided THAT?

I don't understand the monetary fund or battery farms.

Who decided battery farms?

I am sick of scapegoats and underdogs and scare monkeys.

When did we forget that we're just animals with weekends?

So what you're seeing here is the disappearing act -

someone or something that goes AWOL.

Could be a purse, could be a person, but they usually turn up

a little bit later on, a bit worse for wear, definitely in the toilets.

I thought that tonight would make us all right.

And I don't think it has.

How can I change the world if I can't even get my shoe back on?

Don't ask me.

Listen, I went out this one night,

ruined this perfectly good new dress.

Totally fucked it up.

The blue dress?

Yeah.

You'd fuck the dress up, too.

Is this the one about the Night of the Three Wines?

I love this one.

Lowri?

I don't know if it WAS three wines.

I mean, it might have been.

But... It might have been 12, or...

It might have been one.

Don't know what happened.

Yeah.

Don't know if my mum WAS cracking up.

I was useless, I was no help to anyone.

And when I think of it now, it's weird, it makes me feel...

..sad.

Have you ever had quivering eyeballs?

No.

I don't think I have.

Oi, dickheads! What you doing? Are you all right? Hey, what's going on?

-Everything's still shit.

-Still shit.

Oh! Look, it's all right.

If this needs to happen, it's going to happen now.

And it should!

Look, last week it was me in here,

banging on about my body clock or some shit.

The week before, someone else, can't remember,

crying because they thought the chicken shop

was going to close before they could get there. Like... You know.

Actually, I think it was one of you who said, "Listen...

.."the shit has got to hit the fan,

"because that is what shit does, but we've got to step up,

"wipe the fan down with a damp cloth and get the hell back out there."

Yeah?

That is just the way it goes.

Lowri?

You're all right.

In fact, friend, you are

relentlessly fucking brilliant.

OK? Keep it up.

-Cheers.

-Sara? Are you all right?

I don't know. I don't know what happened.

I probably fucked it.

Did I fuck it all up?

No.

Well...

Dunno.

-I doubt it.

-But what if I did and I just don't know, like...?

I suppose we've just got to try living through it

and hope for the best, haven't we?

But we're here, we'll help.

Me and Che Guevara here, we've got your back.

-Viva la revolution, Sara.

-That's my girls!

Now, listen... The night isn't over yet. We can still change it.

AND they just called last orders, so we really need to get a move on.

OK, so we're going to have a little once over, because, not being

funny, but you both absolutely reek of Toilet Duck and regret, OK?

So, you... Sort out your breath.

You, deal with your pits, yeah?

And let's get back to it, OK?

And while you're doing that, actually,

would you like just a little one more?

-I would love one more.

-Yeah?

-In for a penny.

-Yeah.

-In for two.

All right, I've got my app, OK?

-If it still works, Lowri.

-Sorry.

-S'OK.

# Baby, you're the only one in this whole world

# That is pure and good and right

# And wherever you are, wherever you go

# There's always going to be some light

# Maybe I'm damned if I never get out and maybe I'm damned if I do

# But we've got to make the most of this one night together... #

Leonie?

Yeah?

I love you.

-I love YOU.

-Sara.

-Yeah?

-I love you.

-I love you.

-I love you.

-As you were!

-Yeah.

See?

It all comes out in the wash.

-Have I got it?

-Right. Let's get back out there, guys. Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Ready?

-Come on.

-Come on!

-# If I've got to be damned.... #

WHOOPING

# You know I want to be damned... #

Everybody, join in.

# If I've got to be damned, you know I want to be damned

# Dancing through the night

# Dancing through the night

# Dancing through the night

# With you...

MEATLOAF: # Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes

# When the night is over

# like a bat out of hell I'll be gone, gone, gone... #

Oh, hey -

all that stuff before about "this the best bit", no.

This is the best bit... Well,

-THIS is the best bit!

-Everybody is absolutely loving it back there!

Mr T from school is requesting Toploader

and Hugh Watt has got no idea what's going on, but absolutely loving it!

I think I saw Charlie Chuck-up attempting a moonwalk!

Everyone's up, everyone's together.

Dividing lines have been forgotten,

no-one even remembers if they're City or United any more.

I think this might be what the future looks like.

Yeah, we have had a massive night.

Everything that was supposed to happen has happened.

-And everyone is in love with everybody else.

-Yeah.

And we followed the rules! I would never normally advise that!

Maybe they could be the founding principles for revolution?

If you've got the money, get a round, in for a penny,

in for a pound AND it all comes out in the wash.

I will sign on that line.

I think tonight could be bigger than the night we flew to Dignitas

AND the night Dr Oetker got struck off.

I think tonight is going to make a cheeky little appendix to the old Banterbury Tales.

-Thank you for being with us!

-This one's for you.

-Cheers.

-Right, then...?

-Emphatic Huggers.

-That's everyone...

CHEERING

-The time has come.

-You didn't think we'd forgotten you, did you?

-TRIO:

-Manchester, open or closed?

-ALL:

-Open!

CHEERING

MUSIC: Bat Out Of Hell by Meatloaf

# When the night is over, like a bat out of hell I'll be gone, gone, gone

# Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes

# When the day is done

# And the sun goes down and the moonlight's shining through

# Then like a sinner before the gates of Heaven

# I'll come crawling on back to you

# I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram

# On a silver-black phantom bike

# When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry

# And we're all about to see the light... #