Episode 2 Privates

-Say yes.

-Yes!

-What filled one so meek and mild with such rage?

Lance Corporal Hobbs tried to steal my girlfriend, sir.

I can't go back. I punched my CO, you get two years for that.

I'm going to have a drink. So I can face the rest of the evening.

This escape plan of yours. Nobody believes you've got one.

Anyone want to put a bet on it?

Go back to your barracks, Private Lomax.

We'll talk about this with Captain Bulgakov in the morning.

# We gotta get out of this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get out of this place

# Girl, it's a better life for me and you

# We gotta get out of this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get out of this place. #

WIND HOWLS

# I love how your eyes close

# Whenever you kiss me

# And when I'm away from you

# I love how you miss me

# I love the way you always greet me

# But darling most of all

# I love how you love me. #

Wakey, wakey!

Wakey, wakey!

Come on, rise and shine, ladies!

-On your feet and by your beds!

-15 minutes to wash and shave.

Anybody not through that door in five seconds

will find themselves on a charge, you understand?

Yes, Sergeant.

Wratten, you little thief, get a move on!

Hygiene, gentlemen, at all times.

Under the armpits, the crack of your backside.

Anybody not in the mess hall in two minutes is what?

ALL: On a charge, Sergeant.

I don't know about you

but I didn't sleep much.

Couldn't stop thinking about my last day of freedom

before coming to this place.

Walking the dogs by the river with the old man.

He might be a pain sometimes, but he's the only one I've got.

I feel like we got off on the wrong foot yesterday.

You want to cancel the bet?

You know if you put the bicarb of soda in with it,

you'd save us all a lot of time.

First day of military training, Two Section,

so make sure all that lovely grub is in your guts.

Anyone know what happened to Private Lomax?

I found him sitting

outside Doctor Bulgakov's office first thing.

It took me a while to figure out his verbal constructions.

You mean the crazy act?

What, you think it's an act?

What does Doctor Bulgakov say? Does he think he's nuts?

He prescribed chlorpromazine.

It seems to have controlled all the David Niven business.

PHONE RINGS

Ah, excuse me.

Medical Centre, Nurse Charles speaking.

Doctor Bulgakov, hello, how are you?

Yeah, I've given him a...

You didn't tell her about last night's little pantomime?

Did you, Lomax?

Well, that goes a long way to telling me that you're only cuckoo

when it suits you.

But you tried too hard.

You went for the fireworks.

You see, I was halfway to saying, "Give him the looney ticket.

"Get him off our hands." But now,

after last night...

Well, I'm going to make it my business to show

you for what you are.

Sergeant Butcher.

I have a section that's a man short.

Private Lomax here will join them as soon as the CO signs him off.

I really think Private Lomax needs to be kept under observation, Sergeant.

Well, he will be.

I'll be watching him very closely.

"We make a strange bunch, Alice.

"All of us acting like we're not scared. But they're all good lads.

"Except White-Bowne.

"He's the kind of loud-mouthed toff you always used to hate.

"But there's something else about him, something I don't trust."

Didn't sleep so well?

I think it was just the unfamiliar surroundings.

I had a dream

that I woke up and it was time to go to church with my father.

Like we did before he saw me off from the station.

Probably sounds like a dull way to spend your last day of freedom.

-I spent my last day pretty much the same way.

-Really?

Two Section, drill! Let's have you on that parade ground.

Corporal, the MO said I was to give you this.

Is this a joke, McKilvenny? Blood and sand!

It's not enough there's already a lunatic,

a dyed-in-the-wool commie and a useless toff in the section.

Now I've got one that says he can't wear army boots for drill!

He says here, he recommends soft shoes, Corporal.

Soft shoes?

What are they sending us now - ballroom dancers?

Come on! Let's toughen you lot up!

On the order, you will call the time. Do you understand?

ALL: Yes, Corporal.

About turn!

One, two, three, one.

About turn!

One, two, three, one.

This is the easy part, ladies.

You're making your corporal look like an idiot!

By the left. Quick march!

Left right, left right, left right, left right,

left right, section...halt!

Private Hoy, this section is already my least favourite

section in the history of Bleakly Marsh.

Do not test me.

Two Section, quick march!

Halt!

Right leg, left arm, left leg, right arm.

Show me your right arm, Hoy.

Two Section, on the command, quick march!

Two Section, halt!

Unless this section can move as one unit, act as one unit, and think

as one unit, it will be a danger to itself.

Now the Army doesn't care about that

but it will also be a danger to the rest of the Army.

You will all work together to help Private Hoy to solve his problem

and make your section stronger.

You will do this in your own time.

Kit inspection at 1100 hours. Don't cock it up!

Sorry.

# Put on your red dress, baby

# 'Cause we're going out tonight

# Put on your red dress, baby

# 'Cause we're going out tonight

# Better wear some boxing gloves

# In case some fool might want a fight

# Put on your high-heel sneakers

# Wear your wig hat on your head

# Put on your high-heel sneakers... #

HE COUGHS

-Ah, Norah, I've been thinking. I've got a plan.

-What time is it?

Look, if I don't go back to the Army then there's nothing really keeping me here.

Now you see, I have got some savings so what I could do is I

could change me name and start afresh. Now, do you remember Frank,

the sergeant that left last year?

He's moved to Liverpool and he was looking for someone to buy into a restaurant with him,

now maybe he's still looking.

What, what's up?

Are you running away from me too?

Don't be daft, you're coming with me.

-Look, you will love Liverpool, it's a port city...

-Jimmy.

..people from everywhere. Shh! You have to pack...

Jimmy. Shut up and kiss me.

Again.

Again!

And harder, really take a swing.

Just hit him.

Right arm.

Ready?

Left leg.

Again.

All right. Left...leg.

Right arm, left leg.

Right arm...

Bloody hell!

Watch out for the door.

BANG

You know what I'm going to miss the most?

Go out with my dad for some drinks and then down to Bethnal Green

to see some young welterweight on the undercard at York Hall.

Like I did on my last day of freedom before coming to this dump.

What about you?

Spent some time with my little boy.

Sailing his boat in the park.

You've got a kid?

# What a difference a day makes

# 24 little hours

# Brought the sun and the flowers

# Where there used to be rain

# My yesterday was blue, dear

# Today I'm a part of you, dear

# My lonely nights are through, dear... #

Hold on to your hats, everyone.

We're in for a bumpy time.

Eve, dear, I like a wit like my Martinis - very dry.

Now that is an interesting development.

Very.

You, er, said I had to have the stitches taken out.

I'm sorry for being an idiot.

Last time, with all that talk of bombs.

I got into what my dad calls my strident stride.

My pamphleteer mode.

I forget that other people have experience of the world too.

You were only a semi-idiot.

Thanks... I think.

So, can I ask you something?

When you lost your parents, about how you dealt with it.

I wonder why I told you that?

It's not something I usually talk about.

I understand that, I'm just another private. One in a hundred.

But perhaps if we could talk, away from this place.

Now that's disappointing.

Was that your sensitive boy act?

Or just a little preamble before asking me out?

No, I...

OK, we're all done.

I was actually asking...

I think we're all done, Private Keenan.

Because last year my sister died.

I think this is a bit mad.

I think the idea is that we're not supposed to think.

What do you think?

I think I think what you think.

Gather round all you fine fellows, it's prize-giving time.

One pack of the finest smokes

to the lucky winner.

I have the results for who is indeed the "Saddest Among Us" award.

In which Private Keenan failed to participate.

In third place

is Private Rothman, who told our survey

he spent his last day of freedom at his brother's Bar Mitzvah.

You're a fascinatingly charmless animal, White-Bowne, has anybody ever told you that?

..and, after a strong orange juice

finally got to touch the right breast of Estelle,

the love of his young life.

Is this your idea of team-building, White-Bowne?

In second place, is Private Davies

who spent the evening scouring the streets of Swansea

searching for a tart to offer his sweet, innocent self to.

This isn't funny.

But a clear first place, and by some margin,

goes to Private McKilvenny.

Private McKilvenny here enjoyed a long evening of prayer

and contemplation with the nurturing

and fatherly Father O'Connor, who terrified Mr McKilvenny

with a comforting hand on his young thigh.

-That's enough.

-Such is the close

and shall we say tender bond between them.

I said, that's enough!

No, no, no!

Hurry up, hurry up!

Quickly, help me.

Stand by your beds, Two Section!

Drop those eating irons, Rothman!

Sergeant Butcher, this is pathetic!

Don't let ever this shambles happen again.

Get them out now!

Yes, Sergeant. Come on, out.

Out!

Bloody hell.

Thanks for letting me swap shifts, you're a God-send. Ta-ra, then...

Miss Preston, morning. I understand you still haven't heard

anything from your fiance?

From Lance Corporal Hobbs?

That's right.

Obviously, striking an officer is a serious matter.

However, we both know Jimmy's no hooligan.

Now, if he chose to return to camp voluntarily it should be

possible to overlook the incident.

If I see him, I'll tell him.

-Thank you.

-But he might not want to come back.

Miss Preston, he's a soldier. He belongs here.

This is where he's at his best.

-I know about soldiers.

-Oh, I'm sure you do.

My father was a soldier.

Nice coloured fellow with a big smile.

The Army treated him so bad, he left for America.

If Ghandi hadn't attacked me, we wouldn't be getting punished.

Don't blame Keenan. If you didn't try and humiliate the rest of the section with your stupid contest.

It was just a bit of sport.

Be a good chap, Rothman. Keep KV while I make a call.

-KV?

-Keep a lookout!

Are you serious?

I'll do the same for you, you could call your beloved Estelle.

Go on.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Aaaarrghh!

Yarrgh!

And twist and under the ribs like that!

Aaargh, right up like that!

Right!

My job is to prepare you for a kill or be killed situation.

The sort of situation you will find in the most dangerous

places in the world.

This is your last chance. If you lot don't start to

improve, I'll make sure you regret it.

Private Hoy.

Come on, Hoy, let's see if you can stab better than you can march!

Aaaaarrrggghhh!

Aaargh!

Bloody hell.

Yeah, it's fine if all you see is a sandbag.

Not a man bleeding his guts out.

Some poor private like me.

Not bad.

Private Rothman!

Let me see some aggression, Rothman.

Aaargghhh!

Ow!

Yeah, I know what you mean. My Grandpa Gilbert never talks about what he did in the war.

I don't want to see any more cowards, Wratten.

I want to see men who'll stand and fight!

Aaarrgghh!

I suppose a lot of men saw a lot of things

they could only deal with by not talking about them.

No, I don't think it was that. Some things were said...

..about Grandpa Gilbert.

You know, whispered things.

What kind of things?

That he couldn't do it.

Aargh.

When the shooting started, that he ran.

Corporal Barrowman,

these ladies are pathetic!

They can't march.

They can't pass a kit inspection without turning

it into a street corner brawl.

And now they will not show the aggression that will

save their lives!

You're all going to learn a lesson.

Corporal Barrowman, get me Lomax. He's not going to shirk this one!

Everything you said this morning is exactly right.

There's nothing keeping either of us here.

That's what I've been saying. This is an opportunity.

And we can start again, somewhere new.

I've been thinking about what kind of restaurant we can open.

It's not just this small and small-minded town

we have to leave behind. It is this whole small-minded country.

We have to go to America, Jimmy.

You know this escape plan White-Bowne says he has?

When we were doing our fatigues, he managed to get to a phone.

He put a call trough to the local Conservative Association.

He's been incredibly oily and sycophantic, even for White-Bowne.

Left right, left right, left right, left right. Join the ranks!

I may be past my prime but I won't be given away with

every cereal packet, like a little plastic doll.

Bette Davis, Sergeant.

Thank you, Corporal.

Squad, halt!

Let's all just see if we can be soldiers. Shall we?

This girdle is too tight, are you sure it's really mine?

LOMAX!

One more word and you and Bette Davis both go on a charge!

Corporal, I've got better things to do that to have these clowns

waste my time!

Take them away.

Take 'em into Kill Village.

Teach them a lesson they won't forget.

Do you ever think about how you'll deal with it?

When they send us to some front line?

No. I'll think about it when it happens. If it happens.

I think about it.

Two Section, come on.

I'm worried I'll be like my grandpa.

This is your family.

Your friends, your children.

It's all the things most important to you.

You will defend it against whatever may come.

Within the hour, you will be attacked. You will have to fight.

It'll be you or them.

But if you can't hold this flag, you're going to get hurt.

Hold your flag, that's your only hope.

BIRDS CAW

ECHOING BIRD CRIES

We need to stay off open ground, make sure they can't sneak up on us.

Can anyone tell me how worried I should be about this?

-They're hardly going to come at us with machine gun fire, are they?

-Are you sure?

-I mean, you hear about this sort of thing, though, don't you?

-What kind of thing?

Live ammunition exercises.

Yeah, where some poor squaddie gets a stray bullet in the head.

All they want to do is give us a scare.

LOUD CLATTERING

OK, scared! Well done. Exercise over.

Keenan's right.

They just want to teach us a lesson, they won't let it go too far.

Yeah, but this is Barrowman we're talking about.

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.

Not now, Lomax, please.

For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

Good film. Laurence Olivier, Henry V.

Anyone see where Davies went?

Hold your position.

-God!

-There's loads of them!

Stand your ground! Stand your ground!

Stand your ground!

And gentleman in England now a-bed

shall think themselves accursed they were not here!

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks,

that fought with us upon St Crispin's day!

CHANTING FROM OUTSIDE

Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,

we'll keep the blue flag flying here!

Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,

we'll keep the blue flag flying here!

Two Section, halt!

Two Section, I didn't think you had it in you but when it really counted

you gave as good as you got tonight.

You were men, not boys. Who knows, one day

you might even become soldiers.

Maybe now, the Army trusts you enough

to introduce you to your best friend.

Owen, trust me.

Whether a man is fighting in a just war

or caught in a battle on Cable Street,

when the moment comes, he finds his strength.

You lot all did. I didn't.

I failed.

No.

When a man is tested, he finds the strength he needs, so will you.

My test came, tonight. I walked away from it.

Wakey, wakey!

# The mountain's high and the valley's so deep

# Can't get across to the other side... #

Ooh, they fit.

You look nice.

Norah, what about work permits and all that business?

We'll find a way.

Unless we don't try.

I'm not saying that but this is a big thing we're talking about.

I mean, why America? What's wrong with Liverpool?

Jimmy, this is a new decade.

It's the right time for big things.

Everything's going to work out. And it'll be fabulous.

Now, I have to get back and do my last shift.

I'll meet you at the train station at nine

and don't forget to bring my case.

I was beginning to think you weren't going to come.

# I'm going to stick like glue

# Stuck on you. #

I think it's my turn to apologise,

for my insensitivity

and all that business about whether you were asking me out.

I'm sorry.

-You were only half foolish.

-Oh, thanks(!)

I think.

So, do you want to talk about her?

About your sister?

We were twins. And now she's not there.

And I can't get used to not being with her.

And how did it happen?

OK. As a gesture of goodwill

I'm prepared to break my golden rule.

Consort with a man in uniform

and accept your invitation to the Assembly Hall dance next week.

-What?

-I didn't actually ask you.

Oh. There you go again, Connie, too forward and too presumptuous.

No, no, the thing is...I can't dance.

Don't worry about that.

-The music is so bad, you wouldn't want to if you could.

-OK.

# Should I let myself go

# In his direction? #

I thought this would be illicit and exciting.

Isn't it?

Yes. I mean, that's all I thought it would be.

And over within a month. Just...physical.

It surprised me too.

You're not really my type.

No.

I imagine it's mousy shop girls with chipped nail varnish

and a very grateful smile.

Yeah, you're more used to a light sherry than a strong beer, eh?

So what do we do now?

Did I mention that I'm married to your commanding officer?

Do we just Carry On Sergeant?

Could do.

At least until they close down the camp.

And then what? We never see each other again?

I'll go first. Keep up the necessary proprieties.

# Whenever I feel his touch

# I get a thrill that's much too much too much too much too much... #

What?

Wratten here was just telling us what he's heard.

Turns out the lads Barrowman sent to take us on last night

are all from One Section.

-And I think that's a worry.

-Why? We gave as good as we got.

-More than that. We got the better of them.

-Exactly. So they're not going to leave it at that, are they?

I don't think they'll come looking to pay us back. Will they?

You don't want anything from the NAAFI, do you?

No, thank you.

GHOULISH VOICES

Hello?

Hel...

Is there anyone there?

Hello?

CRASHING AND MORE GHOULISH VOICES

Th-there's only me here!

Private Davies!

The rest of Two Section have all gone down the NAAFI.

Bloody hell!

MANIC SHOUTING

Come on then, you buggers!

I'll have the lot of you!

Come on! Come on!

Oh, you rotten lot.

When a man is tested, he finds his strength.

You could have taken my eye out with that bayonet.

Oh, you rotten, rotten lot.

How do you feel about National Service now?

Rothman...

it's like I've always said -

if it's good enough for Elvis Presley,

it's good enough for Owen Davies.

Gentleman, I think it's time we heard from the Elvis from the Valleys.

CHEERING

I can't. I...

You twisted my arm.

# Love me tender

# Love me sweet

# Never let me go

# You have made my life complete

# And I love you so

# Love me tender

# Love me true

# All my dreams fulfilled

# Oh, my darling, I love you

# And I always will

# Love me tender

# Love me long

# Take me to your heart

# Love me tender

# Love me true

# All my dreams fulfilled

# Oh, my darling, I love you

# And I always will. #

Audrey?

What is it? Is something wrong?

I just got a message from Dr Billings.

He prescribed the contraceptive pill.

What's he saying?

He says he needs to see me on an urgent matter.

I'm scared to think what he's going to say.

White-Bowne's going to get exemption

unless somebody else gets selected as Tory candidate.

Ladies of Two Section, it's your turn.

If you beat One Section's performance, you will win my respect.

-Have you got a date already?

-No.

The CO wants to bring you two together. He wants you to bury the hatchet.

-You look incredible, as ever.

-We have to talk, Michael.

# We got to get out of this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We got to get out of this place

# Girl, there's a better life for me and you... #

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