Episode 3 Privates

-The new contraceptive pill.

-What's a husband to do?

-Talk to his wife.

Did I mention I'm married to your Commanding Officer?

-Is something wrong?

-I just got a message from Dr Billings.

-What's he saying?

-He says he needs to see me.

There's nothing keeping either of us here.

We have to go to America, Jimmy.

I'll meet you at the train station at nine and don't forget

to bring my case.

Lance Corporal Hobbs tired to steal my girlfriend, sir.

I really think Private Lomax needs to be kept under observation, Sergeant.

I'll be watching him very closely.

# We gotta get out of this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get out of this place

# Girl, there's a better life for me and...

# We gotta get out of this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get out of this place... #

GUNSHOTS AND EXPLOSIONS

SILENCE

A superior...

will never ask you to do anything he can't do or hasn't already done.

Now, ladies of two-section,

it's your turn.

Yesterday, one-section went round this assault course with

their corporal.

These are their times.

If you beat one-section's performance,

you will win my respect.

You will win Captain Gulliver's admiration and show him you're not

the waste of space he thinks.

You will also win a crate of beer, to be shared between you.

LAUGHS AND CHEERS

If you fail, one-section get the beer.

And you, two-section, spend the rest of the day in the mess kitchen,

polishing and skivvying and doing whatever needs doing

for the regimental dinner, do you understand?

ALL: Yes Corporal.

All right, the first man up...is...

Where the hell's White-Bowne?

Sir, it is with great regret but from a sense of duty

no less profound of that of any prospective army officer,

that I must ask leave to be dismissed.

Oh, dear.

I intend to stand as the Conservative candidate

in the up and coming by-election.

Really?

I have an interview in the next few days.

Applications for leave to be dismissed.

All from the last 18 months.

All from privates who've suddenly discovered a desperate need

to serve their country as a politician rather than as a soldier.

Really, sir? I had no idea, sir.

Because they knew that standing for political office would exempt them

from what remained of their National Service.

I can assure you that that is not my reason for standing.

Where is this by-election?

Oldham East.

Oldham East.

Northwich, Nottingham West, Oldbury...Oldham East. Hmmm...

Labour majority of 12,635.

No-one said politics was easy, sir.

-This is behaviour hardly worthy of a grammar school boy.

-Sir!

I may be powerless to stop you crawling through this legal loophole,

White-Bowne, but don't insult my intelligence with this pretence,

dismissed! Get out of my sight.

Come on, McIllvenny!

Come on, come on! Hurry up!

Come on!

Jump!

Come on!

Go on!

-Jump!

-Jump!

-Jump!

Hurry up!

Come on!

ALL: Oh, no!

That was pathetic, McIllvenny.

I hope the rest of you can do better.

Because as it stands, you're way behind one-section.

Next, Private Lomax.

Watch it, Lomax.

No funny business, yeah?

One day, this frightful business will be over...

Get on with it!

And people will laugh and dream as if nothing ever happened

but until then...

we are, after all, British soldiers.

Oh, for...

I give up.

Ready?

Go!

Would you believe it?

He's practically a bloody commando!

Go on, Lomax!

ALL: Lomax, Lomax, Lomax!

Lomax, Lomax, Lomax!

Lomax, Lomax! Go on!

Go on, Lomax!

CHANTING CONTINUES

CHEERING

All right.

Thank you, Alec Guinness(!)

I want to see more like that.

Were you watching, Wratten?

Just imagine you're shinning up a drainpipe

after Captain Gulliver's heirlooms.

Yes, Corporal.

However...

..Private Lomax did not touch the top bar of the balance beam

before his descent.

This means a forfeit

to the section's overall time

of ten seconds.

That's not fair.

You didn't do that, Corporal.

Thank you, Wratten. The time penalty is now doubled. 20 seconds.

What? Come on, Corporal.

Anybody else have any observations?

ALL: No, Corporal.

Private Hoy, you're up next.

You know, much as I enjoy the idea of a beer or two

at the end of this pantomime, I can't help thinking

being stuck here is a waste of my younger years.

Well, there is a way out for you.

You could go into politics.

DOOR IS UNLOCKED

Sir.

At ease.

Now, Lance Corporal Hobbs.

Captain Gulliver, I would just like to apologise for the unfortunate

and completely unintentional way that...I punched you, sir.

Your absence has given you some time to think.

Running away, sir, it was a foolish act in the heat of the moment.

-And I think it would be best...

-I just hope that in...

..if we started with the lobster bisque

and possibly, although I'm open to your view,

follow with the wood pigeon.

-The regimental dinner, sir?

-Yes. I'll need to sign off the full menu

-before lunch if we're to get it up to speed.

-Yes, sir.

Sir?

It, er...wasn't the regimental police that brought me in.

I... I had to come back.

Because this is where you're at your best,

and here you are part of something great,

and the army is a part of you.

Sir?

I suggest the quail, not the wood pigeon.

# I'm so hurt

# To think that you

# You lied to me

# I'm hurt

# Way down deep inside of me

# You said your love was true

# And we'd never Never, never part... #

White-Bowne's going to stand in a by-election and get exemption.

Can he do that?

He can and he will,

unless somebody else gets elected as Tory candidate.

Who, me? You really think some Jewish boy

with radicals in his family tree will really be welcome?

Why not? They opened the door to Disraeli, didn't they?

Except I know nothing about politics.

I'll teach you all you need to know.

How hard can it be?

This is White-Bowne you need to beat, not Churchill.

If you do beat him, you'll get exemption

from the rest of your National Service.

Get in line, White-Bowne.

Private Rothman, you're next.

You heard him, Rothman,

or is this all too tough for a limp-wristed highbrow like you?

OK, count me in.

Good, because your membership card arrived this morning.

Rothman, move your backside!

And I've already put your name down for the selection panel.

That's enough chitchat, ladies.

Mrs Butcher?

Yes.

Dr Billings will see you now.

Go on, Keenan! Yes!

Yes, well done, Keenan.

Not bad for a pinko, Keenan.

I'm sure you'll be setting the pace when they sound the retreat.

Private Keenan!

Grab your stuff.

White-Bowne, you're next.

You do well and you'll be neck and neck with one-section's time.

Lance Corporal Hobbs returned to the camp voluntarily last night.

-Come back to rub salt in the wound, I suppose.

-Keenan, I'm warning you.

Any more displays like the last time,

there'll be serious consequences.

-Do you understand?

-Yes, Sergeant.

The CO wants to bring you two together.

He wants you to bury the hatchet,

so you won't be using this.

Hmm, come on, get in. Let's get you cleaned up.

Hurry up, White-Bowne, you lazy toff!

What I need to hear before this whole ugly business can be forgotten

is that both of you accept that some hot-headed folly,

some petty crime of passion over a girl,

is of little importance

compared to the greater goals and needs of the British Army.

Is that not so, Lance Corporal?

It is, sir.

I'm sorry, Private Keenan, for what I did,

for giving you cause for grievance, for...for acting dishonourably.

Private Keenan?

I accept your apology.

Good, jolly good.

Now, let's see you two soldiers shake hands.

-Thank you. Dismiss, Sergeant.

-Sir.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

You're the last man, Wratten, everyone's relying on you to beat

one-section and win the beer.

You're going to let them all down, aren't you?

Because you're a useless, thieving lump, aren't you, Wratten?

And you'll never amount to anything, will you?

15 seconds left!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Ten, nine, eight...

Because all you are is a little gangster,

just like your thieving dad.

Agghh!

-Me leg!

-Wratten, are you OK?

-Easy, easy.

-Where does it hurt? Are you OK?

Too slow, Wratten.

Someone get him to the infirmary.

Get a nurse to kiss it better.

I'll take him, Corporal.

No beer today, thanks to Private Wratten.

It was awful, Michael.

Dr Billings he just kept going on and on

about effective doses and how in America,

where they invented the pill, the dose was five milligrams of...of...

whatever it is and how after the Yanks had cut the dose

to two-and-a-half grams, the British cut it in half again to save money.

Audrey...

what did he say?

Well, finally he came right out and said it.

"Mrs Butcher, the truth of the matter is,

"the contraceptive pill you were prescribed is inadequate."

Inadequate?

# Ever since we said goodbye

# All because of a little white lie

# Let me tell you why we parted

# Let me tell you what my heart says

# Gee whiz, it's you! #

How could you do that to me, Jimmy?

Do you know how long I waited on that station platform?

I never said anything about America, that was you.

I should have known you wouldn't have the nerve to do anything exciting.

I tried to tell you it was all too much.

Not if you had a chance to talk yourself out of it!

I tried, but you wouldn't listen.

Do you really want to stay in this place until they pension you off?

What I forgot...is the army is a part of me.

It's time to enjoy ourselves while we're still young.

Time to live.

This is where I'm at my best.

That's great.

I'm very happy for you.

I thought tea at The Ritz would be nice,

but I'm told things have gone a bit downhill there recently.

Ah, well, how about The Savoy? I've heard if you know people

who know people, you can still get a table.

Of course, there's still a very slim chance

and I don't want to get your hopes up, that I could still get us

two tickets to the Assembly Room dance next week.

Agh.

You've got a date already?

No, a late shift I won't be able to get out of.

Is anybody interested in my broken leg?

It's not broken, if it was broken,

-I would not be able to do this.

-Aggh!

It's slight damage to the medial collateral ligament just here...

Ow! Steady, girl!

So we might have to make do with chips and cola in the NAAFI?

-..and the quadriceps tendon here.

-Aggh!

What? Only if The Savoy's full?

So can I report Barrowman for this, does anybody know?

Hmm! If you could, I think you'd find yourself in a long queue.

Meaning...what?

Well, it's not for me to say.

Come on, spill the beans.

I'm just suggesting that Corporal Barrowman, over the years, has had

trouble knowing where to draw the line.

Aaagh!

Hmm!

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Come.

Thank you. At ease, Sergeant.

Sir, I think there's something we should talk about.

About Private Keenan -

I think we should keep an eye on him, sir.

Sergeant, that's all been taken care of.

Well, it's not as simple as that, sir.

My word, this is, er, exceptional news.

Whatever happened between Private Keenan and Lance Corporal Hobbs, sir,

is not going to... not going to go away.

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

Two-section, halt!

Two-section, this is your punishment.

This is Lance Corporal Hobbs.

Some of you have had dealings with him already.

I'm putting you in his experienced hands for the rest of the day.

Anything Lance Corporal Hobbs tells you to do,

you do it double time, do you understand?

Yes, Corporal.

Over to you, Jimmy.

And don't let this one anywhere near the silverware.

Thanks for helping out, lads.

At Bleakly Marsh, we've got a reputation

for putting on the best regimental dinners, and I mean

the very best.

The whole camp and its commanding officer

are judged on its success or failure.

Understand?

No?

Right, there's not a lot of time and there's lots to do.

So, roll your sleeves up and get started on the vegetables.

ALL: Yes, Lance Corporal Hobbs.

Barrowman could have killed me out there.

He's had it in for me from the day I got here.

He's just doing what a Corporal would do, isn't he?

The man cheated us out of a well-deserved win.

Surely the question is whether we put up with it or not.

Are you saying we have a choice?

No, but there must be ways in which we can make his life more difficult.

I'm all for that. I'd like to see him crawl on his knees!

Oh, bloody hell.

He sounds amusing. And just the right side of charming.

At least he'd heard of The Savoy.

It's just as a rule, I don't get involved with any of the Privates.

But you said yes to this one, so you must think he's different.

Yeah, I suppose I must.

Ah, we'll see.

Are you here about the serviceman's fundraiser

because we haven't really had...

Actually, no, it's a personal matter. Personal and medical.

Oh, yes, sorry, of course.

There is a chance that

perhaps...

..I might be pregnant.

Well, that's marvellous...

..isn't it?

If you could do a test, might we keep the result confidential?

Of course.

Has there been any irregularity in your period?

Yes, but I've been taking the contraceptive pill.

I thought it was because of that.

Well, we'll soon find out.

You mean now?

If that's convenient?

Of course, yeah, sit down.

Fantastic, that sounds terribly spiffing, brilliant.

Private White-Bowne!

This is not your personal office.

No, but Sergeant Captain Gulliver sent a message there was a call for me, sir.

Hello?

Sorry, operational duties, you know how it is.

As I was saying, I'm very much looking forward to meeting the other

members of the committee at the selection panel interview.

What new development would that be?

Put it out, good lad.

Sorry.

He seems all right, don't you think? I mean, for an NCO.

Obviously you know him better than...

I'll just shut up now, shall I?

-It's not going to work, you know.

-You have any idea what

prospective Conservative candidate White-Bowne is talking about?

No clue at all, prospective Conservative candidate Rothman.

Do you think Rothman here has a chance of being selected while I'm on the list?

My gran could give you a run for your money.

Go ahead -

keep laughing because you and you will still be in this pit of hell

while I'm in the real world doing exactly what I want, whenever I want.

-Maybe he should start practising his campaign speech.

-Or perhaps that was it?

Oh, it was very good. Captures the true Tory ideal.

"Do whatever you want, whenever you want."

Oh, ha-ha-ha(!)

-Does that look done?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Private Lomax...

I've been looking for you.

I heard how well you performed on the assault course this morning...

..just like a soldier...

About a hundred to one, the odds of getting out of here alive.

..a soldier who didn't want to let down his section...

..so the words might be John Wayne or Jimmy Stewart

but the actions weren't those of a man trying to work his discharge.

I think that's progress.

Now get back to your kitchen duties.

Darling, did you know we have almost 7,000,000 men stationed on the Rhine?

I have to say I didn't.

And who is the Commanding Officer of the British Army on the Rhine -

that powerful defence against the aggression of the Warsaw Pact?

I haven't just walked in on one of your lectures, have I?

Field Marshal Archibald James Halkett Cassels - Normandy,

Palestine, Malaya, Korea, he was there at them all.

Colin, could you perhaps tell me what you...?

And now he commands our forces at the border between East and West.

-That's where the real action is.

-What is all this?

-Why are you even home at lunchtime?

-I got a letter.

Major Cunnicliffe is putting me forward for an important post...

in Germany.

Lads, let me tell you something you probably already know.

Corporal Barrowman, like most NCOs, well, he's a pain in the backside.

I bet he offered you a crate of beer for finishing the assault course

and then whipped it away again, am I right?

Bang on, Lance Corporal.

You see, this is my parade ground, this is where I do my shouting.

It's all about getting plates from here

onto the table in the officer's mess.

I don't really care if your belt buckle's not gleaming

or if your hat's not straight,

so let's do a deal, shall we?

If you lot pull your finger out

and help me make this regimental dinner a success

you will get a crate of beer from me.

CHEERING

Scout's honour.

Good man!

Where exactly would we be?

It's Bullenhausen, here, just south of Hamburg.

I'll find out more from Major Cunnicliffe tonight at the dinner.

Colin, I have grown accustomed to packing up our home

and starting again, but Bullenhausen?

Audrey, when was the last time you thought of this place as home?

-Honestly?

-Well, I...

I know you've hated it since the day we arrived.

Well, you said yourself it's not a stop on anybody's career path.

It's certainly not an easy place to think of as home.

Is that why you didn't want to start a family?

I've never said that.

I found the contraceptive pills.

Oh, Colin...

I understand, I do. And you're right.

You think so?

It wasn't the right time and this place -

Bleakly Marsh is killing our marriage,

but now with this new start, we can leave here, be a family.

And is that really what do you think we need - a child?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

I, er...went along with what you said

about me "stealing" your girlfriend,

cos I know you don't want the whole world to know what really happened.

Now we don't have to be friends, but I thought I at least owed you that.

Hobbs...

What you owe me will never be repaid.

'Things I thought were true.

'Three.

'Violence never solved anything.

'I punched a man today, Alice.

'I punched a man and I felt a lot better for it -

'a lot better,

'but I'll never be able to forgive him for what he did to you.'

CONVIVIAL CHATTER

Would you excuse me for a moment? Thank you.

You look incredible, as ever.

We have to talk, Michael.

You haven't had the test results already, have you?

No, but there have been developments.

The quail...

-I trust they've all been checked for shot?

-Yes, sir.

Because we know from unfortunate experience

how fragile Major Cunnicliffe's dentures can be.

There is, er, plenty of saffron in the lobster soup, sir,

-just the way he likes it.

-Excellent. Excellent.

HORN BEEPS

Oh, God, I think he's here.

Very good, very good.

-Good evening.

-Good evening.

-Ah, Mrs Gulliver -

the elegant epitome of the officer's wife.

Major Cunnicliffe, always a pleasure to have you among us.

Absolutely, your visits are far too infrequent, Major.

It is the great tragedy and burden of my life that the army does not run itself.

Well, I'm happy to think that perhaps I shall relieve a little of that burden.

Now, now, time enough for that over brandy and cigars.

# Well, I never felt more like singing the blues

# Cos I never thought I'd lose your love, baby

# Why'd you do me this way?

# Well, I never felt more like crying all night

# Cos everything's wrong and nothing ain't right without you... #

The bill ending National Service

is an act of political vandalism, nothing less.

ALL: Hear, hear.

Whitehall will live to regret it then I'm sure Major, while the

border between East and West remains an active theatre of war.

Ah, but is it?

The cast of characters

is colourful, I agree. Mr Castro with his cigars.

This American fellow, Kennedy,

Khrushchev, the mad Russian

with his two heads, one calling for a peaceful co-existence, the other

threatening nuclear annihilation but active?

But our forces need to be ever vigilant against those threats, do they not?

Actually, no.

Unlike Stalin, Mr Khrushchev truly

believes if he does nothing, if he just waits,

capitalism will collapse under its own weight.

LAUGHTER

But don't we have a vital military role to play, Major?

I suspect that despite the sloganeering and posturing, the task

is actually to oversee a stalemate.

And we need men of your calibre to see the job through, Gulliver.

I've made that clear

to those that need to know it.

Never let it be said that I do not come good...on a promise.

CHEERING

Lance Corporal Hobbs, what do you think you're doing?

Giving the lads their reward, Corporal.

Like hell you are. These slackers were given duties after their failure -

a reward is not required.

Corporal, we all agreed it.

Attention!

Major Cunnicliffe wanted to thank you in person, Hobbs.

For the fine job you did, once again -

a triumph from soup to nuts.

It was a team effort, sir.

Couldn't have done it without the lads of two-section, sir.

Quite right. Ah, beer for the lads. And well deserved.

Well, give it to them, man.

Give it to them!

Thank you, Corporal.

CHEERING

-The idea of spending the next 20 years in Germany...

-Audrey...

..with only the foolish wives of other officer's for company.

Nothing's going to happen overnight. Nothing in the army happens overnight.

We have some time to think.

A few days ago, we had all the time in the world, we just didn't know it.

Spending afternoons in a cheap hotel? Is that all you wanted?

No, you know it isn't,

but now we're being forced into decisions by things we can't control.

Audrey, we need to wait

for the result of the test - we can think about our options.

He knows, not about us, about the contraceptive pill.

What if I am pregnant? It'll almost certainly be yours.

What do we do, Michael?

What do we do?

Major.

Do please excuse me.

Oh, God!

DOG BARKS

The table's booked for eight o'clock. I hope that's all right.

I hope that dress code is relaxed.

I know the management. It'll be fine.

SHE LAUGHS

I let the waiters go early.

Oh, thank you.

It's a very good year for pale ale.

Compliments of Major Cunnicliffe's table.

-Always a pleasure, Major, to offer our meagre hospitality.

-Quite, quite.

-And if you'll forgive my keenness sir, might I expect to hear from command soon?

-From command?

Yes, sir, about the posting, I'll need to make preparations.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

There are, let's say, many considerations involved in decisions like these.

Yes, I do apologise, Major, it's just the tone of your letter...

Your...suitability for the post will be discussed.

But am I right in thinking that you yourself feel I am the man for the job?

My driver's waiting, I really must go.

CHEERING

This is probably the part where I ask you for your life story.

What are you doing here, Tom?

Here, now?

You mean apart from having the most fun since I've arrived?

You know what I mean.

You could have deferred, gone to university.

If I think about the other lads, all I can see

is when their call-up papers arrived that their lives were interrupted.

But my life was already interrupted.

I was just sitting there with no plans.

So the army, why not?

Are you going to tell me about her? About your sister?

If you're a twin, you don't know much about being lonely.

From the day you were born

there's two of you then there's the rest of the world.

And until now, there hasn't been anyone I can talk to about her.

Why not?

Because if the truth came out about how she died,

then it would destroy my dad.

Destroy his memory of her.

And what is the truth?

She met a man...

On a bright summer day by the sea, she met a man

and fell for his charms.

It's the oldest story in the world.

But it's no less painful for that.

By the time she found out she was pregnant, he was nowhere to be seen.

And she knew in that in the kind of street where we lived

that 19-year-old girls don't have babies.

And then a friend at the office gave her an address.

I tried to stop her. I should have tried harder.

At first, it seemed to all go OK but...then she got ill.

She got very sick.

Then a week later she died.

The father of the child was Lance Corporal Hobbs.

# Please, please, please, please

-# Please, please don't go

-Please, please, please

# Please, please don't go

# Honey, please don't go-o-o

# Oh, yeah, girl, I love you so

# Please, please don't go

# Baby, you did me wrong

# So you got me, woman

# Whoa, yeah, you did me wrong

# So you got me, woman

# So you done, done me wrong

# Oh, yeah, took my love

# And now you're gone

# Please, please don't go

# Please, please, please Please, please

# Honey, please don't go-o-o

# Well, oh, yeah, love

-# I love you so

-Please, please don't go... #

HE MIMICS EXPLOSION

-It's the War Office, sir.

-Well, you'd better put them through.

Two-section! You will not leave this hut.

Any man who does so will be shot!

It appears to be in order, Sergeant.

It's time to save the world.

Personally, I'm not so sure it's worth saving.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hello, I'm Leonard Rothman, your local Conservative candidate.

We're Labour.

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