Episode 4 Privates

-It's not gonna work.

-Do you know what prospective Conservative candidate White-Bowne is on about?

Not a clue, prospective Conservative candidate Rothman!

Major Cunnicliffe is putting me forward for a post in Germany.

-Major!

-'Am I right in thinking you feel I'm the man for the job?'

My driver's waiting. I really must go.

-Tell me about your sister.

-Lance Corporal Hobbs killed my sister.

-Are you a fake, Lomax?

-I've no idea!

-I'm not sure who is responsible any longer.

-Should we show him to Captain Bulgakov?

See if he's trying to get a loony ticket out?

# We gotta get outta this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get outta this place

# Girl, there's a better life for me and you

# We gotta get outta this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get outta this place. #

LABOURED BREATHING

METALLIC CLATTERING

Two Section, in a gas attack, if you don't get your mask on in seconds,

you'll be dead.

We're going to find out how you react in those seconds.

Everybody inside!

Come on, move! Come on! Hurry up.

When I call you, step up and take off the mask.

Give your name, rank and number. Do you understand?

-ALL:

-Yes, Corporal.

Private Hoy!

-Five...

-COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

-Rank!

-Five-two-nine...

-Loud and clear!

Stand up straight, man! Stand up straight!

-Five-two-nine...

-Pathetic, Hoy!

Go on, get out!

Private Keenan!

Five-two-nine-four...

five-six-six, Private Keenan, Corporal.

Yes! Now get out.

MUFFLED SOUNDS

Five-four-three-two-one, Corporal, please!

Come on, man, out you go.

Wratten!

Five-two-nine-four-five-five-one. Private Wratten.

Corporal! I'm Corporal Barrowman! Again!

Come on! What's your number?

Five-two-nine-four-four...

Go to that wall!

Not that wall, that wall! Come on, touch the wall!

Get back here! Get back here!

What's your number?

Five-two-nine...

Stand up straight, man! Stand up straight!

-Help! Help...

-Come on!

No!

Corporal! Corporal, stop it!

-He's not breathing, Corporal! Help him!

-Get him out!

Help him!

-Is he breathing?

-Eddie?

Eddie!

Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie!

-COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

-Easy, easy.

Colin?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY

Colin?

Stop thinking about it. You said yourself you can never predict what the army will decide.

I was actually thinking we should be grateful to Major Cunnicliffe.

For the chance he's given us. The chance to make a fresh start.

Mm.

-That's good.

-We should get away from the camp.

Meet somewhere for lunch today. Maybe that place you like on the coast.

Well... I think...

PHONE RINGS

Captain Gulliver.

Hello?

Hello?

-DAVIES:

-At least we get some leave so we can recover!

Even if it is only for a few hours!

A few hours is enough for what I've got in mind, lads!

I imagine a few minutes is probably enough for you, Hoy!

COUGHS

You remind me of Judy in her last days. My labrador!

Died of distemper.

I'm gonna be under Barrowman's thumb until I get out of this place.

-Unless you do something about it.

-What am I supposed to do?

He's paid to make our lives hell.

But not to almost kill you.

And here we see Madame Curie...

Nobel prize-winning physicist.

-I thought you'd be pleased to see me.

-Course I am.

-And that there were no regrets about last night.

-Absolutely not.

I can assure you, Private Keenan, you're a very good kisser!

Well, in that case,

as I'm the recipient of a well-earned half-day leave,

would you like to introduce me to the delights of Ravensea?

Trust me, the delights of Ravensea will not fill an afternoon!

But there's a hotel at the top of the hill - The Imperial.

We can meet there.

A hotel? Why, Nurse Charles...

Which does a very passable afternoon tea.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Madame Curie has work to do.

DOOR OPENS

I'll see you at four, then.

Change is a fascinating, compelling process.

A new start - any new start -

means opportunities to wipe the slate clean.

If we could finish the assessments for Two Section, sir,

there's something in town I have to take care of.

Forgive me, er, the sermon. I have to hurry too.

Lunch with my wife today.

-It's the War Office, sir.

-Then you'd better put them through.

Sir.

PHONE BUZZES

Hello. Captain Gulliver. Bleakly Marsh.

Yes?

Absolutely, sir.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

Four minutes.

One minute. Then we're free to walk through those gates.

If any of you were real friends, you'd stay behind and keep me company.

If we were mad enough, we might.

-Are you interested, Lomax?

-We'll tell the girls you'll see them next time!

Tell them they're missing the best part of Two Section.

CRIES OF ANTICIPATION

Two Section! By your beds!

SIREN SOUNDS

From your briefings, you will recognise that as a warning

of nuclear attack.

These are Two Section's orders.

You will not leave this hut until you are instructed.

Any man who does so...

..will be shot!

'This is Captain Gulliver, your commanding officer.

'The company has been attacked with nuclear weapons.

'Communications have been severely disrupted.

'The camp has commenced lock-down.

'It is imperative all ranks follow emergency orders.

'Further orders will be issued as the situation develops.

'God save the Queen.'

Right. "Three days ago,

"Soviet Premier Khrushchev gave orders for troops to enter West Germany.

-"An ultimatum to withdraw was ignored..."

-Is this really happening?

"Today, a pre-emptive nuclear strike of 15 missiles

-"was launched against NATO countries and their US allies."

-It's just an exercise, though, isn't it?

If it happened, this is how it would happen.

-But they're not actually saying it is happening, though.

-Pardon?

Right, boys. It says we have to "assess our situation and pool our resources.

"Radios, drinking water and fuel."

MEN SHOUT OUTSIDE

What would you do if you was the one Barrowman had it in for?

Stand up for myself. Fight back.

How? He's the one holding all the cards.

Boys, can you pay attention, please?

Find his weak points. Aim your fire at that.

The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get off camp.

I have a better idea. How about I go to the NAAFI and get Wratten some grub?

You lot can stay here and do the pretend war.

Are you sure it's pretend?

-It's an exercise. If it was real, we'd know about it.

-How?

If they hit London with a missile, you'd hear the bang up here?

I can't believe you're all taking this so seriously.

If I open that door, all I'll see is NCOs with clip-boards!

Why don't you try it?

Get back in your barracks, private!

Captain Bulgakov, the four-minute warning's been sounded.

Very good. Understood.

Very good, sir. Gate secure.

'Zero hour plus one.

'Do not in any circumstances go outside.

'Radioactive fallout can kill.

'The number of casualties the country has suffered

'is not yet known.'

Chewing gums - three packs of.

Cigarettes...

..eight packs of.

One transistor radio.

No battery.

Thanks, Lomax(!)

And, uh, a pack of rubbers.

Thank you, Hoy.

If it's not an exercise, and we have to survive a nuclear winter on this...

We're as good as dead.

'Zero hour plus 30 minutes.'

SIREN CONTINUES

'A retaliatory strike against the Soviet Union has been launched.

'All designated NCOs move to Code Red.

'Repeat - Code Red.'

The thing to bear in mind, Audrey,

is that with any pregnancy test, there is always a margin of error.

Connie, am I pregnant?

Yes.

I bring news from the front line.

Put a thousand head doctors into one big room,

you would not believe the amount of nonsense generated.

Mrs Gulliver. I'm so sorry, I didn't realise. I intrude.

No, no. Not at all.

We were just gossiping!

Captain Bulgakov.

There was one interesting fellow amongst the dross, Connie.

Ronnie Lang.

Talks about insanity being a perfectly rational response to an insane world.

Well, he was an army psychiatrist for a while.

Jimmy, what's going on?

Come on, it's time to save the world.

Personally, I'm not so sure it's worth saving, Corporal.

Are you going to join me?

To Armageddon.

'Zero hours plus 90 minutes.

'Reports of one warhead detonated over Birmingham,'

another over Newcastle, a ground-burst detonation at Manchester Airport.

I have One Section armed and touring the perimeter, sir.

Extensive fires and severe blast damage in all metropolitan areas.

Two Section will be detailed to patrol the camp.

-Audrey?

-Colin.

-Sergeant.

-Mrs Gulliver.

-What are you doing? Can't you see there's a live exercise going on?

I appreciate that. I did hear the sirens.

But am I supposed to hide under a desk until it's over?

-Audrey!

-Or would you like food on the table when you come home?

Sergeant Butcher, would you escort my wife home, please?

I don't want you to get caught up in any unpleasantness.

Sergeant.

That appears to be an order, Sergeant.

Women. What can you do?

'Commanding officers briefing in...'

-Norah?

-Yeah.

You know, I love her and everything...

Course you do.

This nuclear war thing really brings it home to you, doesn't it?

What does that mean?

Well, if this was your last day, then you wouldn't want things to go unsaid

and not be sorted out, would you?

I suppose.

Norah.

Norah, no. Please, I need to explain. I need to make you understand.

I do understand.

You need the army much more than you knew.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you, cos I really do.

I believe that.

Even though you've been drinking, I do.

That's great, then, cos we can sort it out.

-Cos if this was the last day on earth...

-Not till I hear the truth from you.

That is the truth.

I love you and I want to marry you.

You lied to me.

It's all around camp how you tried to steal this Private Keenan's girlfriend from him.

No, that's not what happened.

And it that's what you get up to, messing girls around,

why should I stand in line to be next?

Norah...

MUSIC: Lonely Blue Boy by Conrad Twitty

One night only, with me, Owen Davies,

singing the songs of Elvis Presley

at Cwmdomkin Bowls Club.

Um... Go to Paris with Estelle.

Visit Oscar Wilde's grave.

Spend some time with my little boy.

Repent.

'If I just did have one day, she's the one I'd spend it with, Alice.

'I wish you could have met her.'

So is it a quick death or like a lingering thing?

You're missing the point, Hoy. The question is, you have one day to live. What would you do?

Oh.

OK, I'd probably, um...

-I'd go fishing.

-Hmmm...

-What? I like fishing.

-Oh, I don't deny it.

Oh, this is so tedious.

Almost as tedious as reading your diary, Keenan.

Which, I have to say, had very poor syntax.

MEN SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

NCO present! By your beds, Two Section!

(SLURRING) As invigilators, you will patrol the camp,

looking for anyone risking death from radiation

by leaving their place of security.

If such a person is spotted, they must be challenged

and their details taken.

I think Corporal Barrowman's been at the cat-nip!

That's one for the journal, eh, Keenan?

# Ain't got no home

# Or no place to roam

# Ain't got no home

# Or no place to roam

# I'm a lonely boy

# I ain't got a home

# I've got a voice

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... #

Look, I don't understand

how you're going to convince anyone you're a better Tory candidate than posh-boy White-Bowne.

OK. I'll give you an instance. Let me show you.

-You be a voter, and I'll come to your door.

-Right.

-OK.

-Hello, I'm Leonard...

-Take your hat off.

Hello. I'm Leonard Rothman, your local Conservative candidate.

We're Labour. Always have been. You're wasting your time round here, mate.

Well? Come on! You have to be quicker than that.

I've closed the door and I'm back inside watching Hancock's Half Hour.

OK. Sorry. I'll try again. I wasn't ready.

OK. OK.

-Knock-knock!

-What are you going to do about the National Health?

-What do you mean?

-The other lot brought it in and everything was free.

You lot were against it and put a shilling on my gran's prescription.

-But the Conservative Party...

-You make me pay £1 to go to the dentist.

If I vote for you, will you scrap that?

I'm going this way. Come on, you.

'Zero hour plus two.

'High levels of civilian casualties suffered.

'All medical staff report to triage zones at gates two and three.'

That's two hours of leave already gone.

Unbelievable.

Makes you wonder how we ever ran an empire, doesn't it?

Lomax.

That wasn't from a movie, was it?

Just between you and me,

the whole act does get a bit tedious after a while.

So it is an act?

Of course. I'm as sane as the next man.

You must really hate the army!

-To go through this whole performance just to get out?

-Hey.

It's not about getting out.

Any idiot can shoot off his toe and get out.

It's about taking a stand.

Putting things right.

I just heard from Lomax, without all the voices.

What's your view on the National Health Service?

I think I preferred the voices.

What do I say at the selection panel if they ask?

You shake your head, sigh, and say, "Yes, the Welfare State."

"Ah, yes. The Welfare State."

No, you need to sound as if you know all the arguments in support of it.

And know that they know that you know that none of them are very good.

-"Ah, yes. The Welfare State."

-That's it. Perfect.

MUSIC: "Jet Black" by the Drifters

# Jet black

-#

-Jet Black

-Jet Black

-#

-Can I join you, Captain Bulgakov?

-Please do.

How's the apocalypse progressing?

Rather pleased with it, actually.

We're at zero hour plus two.

50% of the country's burning.

A radioactive cloud has drifted overhead

bringing black rain toxic enough to burn skin on contact, sir.

Excellent. Excellent.

Viktor, I thought I might update you on things regarding my wife.

The situation is in many ways far healthier.

-A lot more things now in the open. Communication less strained.

-Good.

-That's a healthy, er...

-I do want a new beginning between us.

Thank you.

But what can I do to convince her that things will change?

Viktor, I feel I still may lose her.

Ask yourself what is it your wife most wants.

Are you prepared to offer her that,

even if it means that you yourself must change?

-TANNOY:

-'Condition red. Lock-down now imminent.'

The test is reliable.

There's no doubt about it.

Michael, I'm pregnant.

So...

What do you want to do?

Well, there seem to me to be three options.

I could tell Colin that I'm pregnant and the child is his.

Or I could tell him I'm leaving him.

But unless you're with me, I don't know where I'd go

or how I'd live.

And the third option?

'Zero hour plus three.

'Radiation remains at fatal levels.

-'Perimeter patrol to stand down and assemble at Point A.'

-Connie.

-You know Sergeant Butcher.

-Sorry, I should have called ahead.

-No, not at all.

-I was just leaving.

Captain Gulliver asked me to escort Mrs Gulliver home.

He was concerned for her safety.

I seem to have escaped nuclear annihilation. Thank you for that, Sergeant.

I just wanted to check you're all right.

I'm fine.

Come in.

I remember my mother telling me, "Always follow your heart."

But if I decided to leave him,

to go...

Go where?

And live how?

I mean, we have to be realistic.

Michael's no young Romeo, and I'm no heedless Juliet.

Audrey,

a year from now, which would you most regret?

Going or staying?

There is no zero hour plus four.

30% of the population is dead.

Collection and disposal of casualties is now a priority.

Body bags.

What now, White-Bowne? Found another fly to pull the wings off?

I think that might be exactly what I've found.

It says here that that is Sergeant Barrowman.

Which means the army broke him down to corporal for something.

And I see somebody who would know that story.

Somebody who, if I played it right,

would tell it to me.

White-Bowne, you're a very unpleasant creature, do you know that?

# I awakened this morning

# I was filled with despair

# All my dreams turned to ashes

# And gone

# As I looked at my life

# It was barren and bare

# Without love

# I've had nothing at all

# Without love

# I've had no-o-o-thing

# Without love

# I've had nothing

# At all. #

Two Section, get a move on.

Come on. Move it. I haven't got all day.

Private McIllvenny, move those legs. Run, run, run!

Line up down here.

Two Section at ease.

It is now zero hour plus 12.

Disposal of potentially hazardous cadavers is necessary.

In warfare, as an interim measure,

a mass grave will be dug for your fallen comrades

until a later time when a proper burial can be conducted.

You will dig a pit four feet deep

to take 100 bodies.

-Corporal Barrowman.

-You said...

..to come and see you if I...ever needed to talk.

Sometimes, Lance Corporal, you've got to grit your teeth and take what's coming to you.

Then there are times you've got to stand up and say, "Enough is enough."

-Yeah. Enough is enough.

-Wratten was in tears.

He's trying to get on the right side of Barrowman,

but no matter what he does, he can't.

-Tell him not to blame himself. There's always one he picks out.

-I don't follow you.

I think it was '58, I don't know, but there was this lad.

He was nice enough, but he was always messing about

and Barrowman took a dislike to him in a big way.

Started pushing him in training and on parade.

Go on.

Well, one day, he just pushed a little bit too far.

Private Brookes didn't fall in for parade.

Barrowman went looking for him and found him in here.

Poor boy. He hanged himself from that roof beam.

Do you have any...regrets?

I don't blame myself for what happened.

But do you have regrets?

This is the army.

We're here to make weak boys into tough men.

Do you still have the nightmares?

SIREN SOUNDS

Sounds like the all-clear.

Captain, sir...

I think I might be doing it again.

He actually went ahead and did it in the gym?

-What the bloody hell you lot been doing?

-Where were you, White-Bowne?

-I've been busy doing some digging of my own.

-Great(!)

We're officially still on leave for the next...

..35 minutes.

MEN GROAN

Oh, gosh. I don't believe it.

I say let's make use of it.

-What?

-Or do you want the army to have it?

-And do what?

There's only time to walk to the end of the road and back.

Sounds good to me.

But you stay here. Wait for Butcher.

He'll find something for you.

Sod it.

Do you know what's ironic?

He's officer material and he doesn't even know it.

So - what do we do about Barrowman?

I think Corporal Barrowman would have no-one to blame but himself if he was bitten by his own poison.

-SHOUTING:

-I hate the bloody army!

-I hate the bloody food!

I hate the bloody marching!

I hate the bloody uniform!

How long does this crazy act of yours go on?

Not much longer.

Now Captain Bulgakov's back, the real show begins.

Long days and nights we strained at the oars

while the white whale swam freely on.

Eh? What's mad boy on about now?

Don't you ever go to the movies, Davies?

That was Gregory Peck in Moby Dick.

Lomax, all those voices!

I smell salt in the air.

He was only bloody acting, wasn't he?

LAUGHING AND SHOUTING

# Old Man River is in my shoes

# No use a-sittin' and singin' the blues

# So be my guest, you got nothing to lose

# Why won't you let me take you on a sea cruise

# Oo-ee, oo-ee, baby,

# Oo-ee, oo-ee, baby

# Oo-ee, oo-ee baby,

# Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise

# Feel like jumpin', baby, won't you join me please

# I don't like beggin' but now I'm on bended knees

# I got to get to rockin', get my hat off the rack

# I got to boogie-woogie like a knife in the back

# So be my guest, you got nothing to lose

# Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

# Oo-ee, oo-ee, baby

# Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise? #

Oh, excuse me, lads.

Wa-hey!

It seems we both survived a nuclear emergency!

Shame we had to scrap afternoon tea.

Private Keenan!

-Keenan, come with me.

-Is that an order, Lance Corporal?

If it has to be, yeah.

You need to sit down and listen.

What are you doing?

Jimmy?

Both of you, sit down and listen.

-Whatever you have to say, I'm not interested.

-Yes, you are.

Cos you haven't thought about much else since you saw me on your first day here.

Anything between you two is nothing to do with me.

Norah, you need to hear this. You owe me this at least.

Sit down.

I met a girl called Alice at a fun fair.

It was about a year ago, before we ever met.

I was on leave with three of the lads and she was with her friends.

She was Keenan's sister.

We did all those usual seaside things that everybody does

but then she cut her leg on one of the rides.

I ended up sitting in a hospital waiting room with her for about three hours.

Precious moments of my leave were ticking away.

And there I was, just sat there talking to her.

And we just talked.

She told me about how much she loved her dad,

how much she cried when her mum died. We talked about her favourite records, her favourite book,

about how much her brother meant to her.

About her plans for the future.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Anyway, after the hospital had fixed her up,

it was just the two of us, so we walked down the beach as the sun went down.

We sat under the pier and then...

I was leaving for a posting in Cyprus the next day

so we swapped addresses and I said I'd write, and I did.

But the first letter that I got back, it took six weeks to find me.

And she told me that she was pregnant.

Norah, you need to hear this, you really do.

Or do you think your daddy was the only soldier to get a girl pregnant?

Go on.

She said in the letter that she was too young to be a mum.

She was only 19 and that she'd have it taken care of.

I tried to get leave...

..but my C.O. was a right bad 'un.

I managed a phone call to the work number she gave me and they told me...

They told me that she'd been taken ill...

..and that she'd died.

I love you, Norah, really, I do.

But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.

Sometimes, we have to acknowledge

that certain things have to change.

Absolutely.

Audrey, I really want things between us to change.

No, but sometimes, circumstances conspire to...

..to force a difficult decision.

I want to give you what you want.

This is a letter to Major Cunnicliffe.

But Colin, I thought we agreed.

-The posting to Germany has gone. You have to move on.

-I have.

This is my resignation from the army.

SOLDIERS PARADE OUTSIDE

KNOCK AT DOOR

Corporal. The lads sent me. We're worried about Wratten.

-What about him?

-He hasn't been himself since this morning.

He's really depressed.

Of course he is - he's in the army.

He told McIllvenny he just couldn't carry on.

What do you think he meant, Corporal?

Somebody said they saw him heading to the gym.

No!

Oh, please, no!

Ready to lose Keenan's bet for him, Mr Rothman?

I look forward to seeing you grovel, Mr White-Bowne.

-Oh, my Lord!

-The Victoria Cross.

It's like the FA Cup and Olympic gold all rolled into one!

I'm leaving it behind. I want you to come with me.

A signal, so they can recognise each other.

Just shut up! I don't want a stupid white poppy!

# We gotta get outta this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get outta this place

# Girl there's a better life for me and you

# We gotta get outta this place

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# We gotta get outta this place. #

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