16/08/2011 River City

-Bob loves you, you know.

-And I love him.

-No more secrets?

-No more secrets.

Tattie, will you marry me?

Maybe you could help me out.

Tell me about the area. I'm guessing you're a lady that's in the know.

We're done, I'm sick of the sight of you,

swanning about as if you're all that, well d'you know what, you're nothing!

Hi, police, please.

Aye, somebody's robbed my house.

MUSIC: "Then He Kissed Me" by The Crystals

# Well, he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance

# He looked kinda nice... #

See you later!

# When he danced he held me tight

# And when he walked me home that night... #

Come on, man! You've got to keep your strength up today.

-I'm not really that hungry, Jimmy.

-Hey, make the most of it.

This is the last "man food" you're gonnae get for ages.

From now on in, it's gonnae be muesli and yoghurt.

The condemned man is entitled to a last slap up meal before the gallows.

C'mon, Bobby. I'm your best man.

You're supposed to laugh at my bad jokes.

Stop worrying!

Today's goin' to be a day

when you'll have drinks with your best mates and then you get to take the best looking bird home.

Aye. No, no, I can come out and collect it.

Are you sure?

That's fantastic. You're a star. Thanks, darling.

I found it, right where you said!

-We could be sorted!

-I hope so. He'll be so pleased.

A charity shop suit?

Is it clean? Did somebody die in it?

-Got to have all the traditions - something else borrowed!

-Aye?

Like getting married in the pool room at the local pub.

-I'm surprised Wills and Kate didn't think about that one(!)

-I want it back, mind!

-Aye, that'll be right.

I gave them a bed for the night and look at my house now, it's like a refugee camp.

No space in my own home for poor little me.

-Will you give it a rest, today?

-Why, what's happening today?

Oh, of course, my son's trying to get one over Immigration, that's right.

SHE SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN

Oh, sorry!

I mean, just think, Molly, this time tomorrow you'll be my granny.

You all right?

-Fine.

-Heard you up and about in the middle of the night.

I couldn't get to sleep for ages, man.

Kept thinking somebody was in the cupboard and freaked myself out.

Oops, sorry!

Morning.

Oh, no! Not our photo as well.

Don't start! Your room didn't get trashed, did it?

-You checked your stuff?

-Yeah. Nothing's been taken.

-What did the police say?

-Nothing much. They said it was probably just kids messing about.

They didn't even take anything.

None of us have got anything worth stealing. How sad is that?

It's not sad, it's creepy.

The thought of some stranger going through your stuff, it's as bad as it being stolen.

I just don't get why you'd break into somebody's house just to trash it up?

And why us?

Were there any other flats broken in to?

Nope, just ours.

We should change the locks, I'll pick up a bolt for the door.

Fine, on you go.

-Next!

-At last.

Are you OK? It's not as if you can throw up in peace around here.

I'm fine.

It soon passes.

I feel sick and I'm not pregnant or getting married.

You think this is wrong.

No. I think he's the nicest guy you've ever been with.

But I don't want you to get married just so we can stay here.

I mean I want to stay,

but I don't want you to sell your soul just so I can finish school in Scotland.

No, this is for me, too.

He's a good man and I do care for him, a lot.

Good.

Cos I do too.

And I love our lives here.

I think we could be really happy,

all of us.

You, me, Bob and...

Here, did you got Raymond's message, about Bob's big day?

-So, the whole event's taking place at the pub?

-Aye.

-What?

-Annie did a bit of thinking while she was away and she's come back full of purpose.

Apparently, she's not making the most of herself in Shieldinch.

Well, that's what a break away is supposed to do, refresh and re-inspire you.

I thought the whole point was to have a few sangrias and crash out in the sun.

-We need to get out of the rut.

-But I like my rut.

You're supposed to be a writer! When did you last write anything?

She has got a point.

So, the whole wedding in the Pool Room?

The full shebang. Classy, eh?

Could be.

Girls didn't dress like that when I was 15. Thank heavens!

That thing should come with a health warning.

See? No distractions, focused.

That's how your dad passed all of his exams and became a doctor.

-And a grumpy old man.

-Thanks for that.

It was hard work, lads, but I was a teenager with a heart of steel and a will of iron.

I trust this birthday party is supervised?

Yes. Amy's parents'll be there.

-And your project?

-I've done it. Nearly.

Oh, nearly?

Which translates to... no, you haven't done it.

Your tutor wants it by end of play.

I'll finish it today. Cross my heart.

Quicker you get it done, the more time you'll have for Amy's party.

-And I won't be nagging you, so everyone's a winner. ..Morning!

-Hey!

That's sweet.

Wow, you smell nice.

It's after shave. Like he needs to shave(!)

-It's fragrance for men.

-Do they dilute it for wee boys(?)

Doesn't matter what it is. It smells great.

And it's never too early for a man to take pride in his grooming.

-Nicole - project.

-I'm going.

I know it's not fun but the extra work will be worth it. Believe me.

-Why smash our photo?

-Why smash anything?

It was there, like the glasses and CDs and everything else they broke.

I can get that photo framed from the beach, the one I took on the self-timer?

-That's for private viewing only!

-Really?

I've got it as my Facebook profile!

Oh, I've still got sand in my shoes!

Their holiday went well then, eh?

I could be doing with that myself.

Holiday. Sunshine.

Romance.

Are you going to tell me what the hell's wrong?

Iona, it's not the break-in, is it?

What, did Bob give you grief?

No, it's not that.

Well, what's getting to you, then?

-You've got a face like a well skelpt...

-You really want to know?

I'm asking.

I snogged Bob.

I snogged the groom the night before his wedding!

I thought I'd hit a low the night before, but last night I went for gold.

Iona., he's got a girlfriend!

-He's marrying her.

-It didn't seem to bother him.

-We kissed and then...

-Then what?

And then...he ran away.

And now?

Today.

He's getting married.

To her!

It's like standing by and watching him throw himself under a train.

Right, stop there! Get in. I want details, beginning, middle and end!

That's 22 change.

Thanks.

So why now?

You've had plenty of chances with Bob and you choose the night before his wedding to actually go for it?

-It wasn't like that! It just happened, naturally. It was...

-What?

The earth just tremored and you two lip-first into each other(?)

I can't explain it.

It meant something.

It was more than just a snog, a lot more.

So, on the basis of that kiss you're convinced that

the two of you are going to spend the rest of your lives together?

After everything you've been through?

-When you put it like that, it does sound a bit daft.

-Daft?

Daft isn't even close, Iona.

Will you listen to yourself?

Except HE kissed ME.

He kissed me the night before his wedding when he'd come over to bawl me out.

I can't just stand by and let him make the biggest mistake of his life.

-I've got to talk some sense into him.

-No chance! You can't!

He can't just kiss me like that then go marry her!

I'm not letting him get married until I tell him how I feel.

Everybody's up there!

Right, I'll go and sort it out, you just stay where you are, all right?

You know how important this year is, it's not just a repeat year, it's a chance to excel.

Right, see you later. And put the dishes away!

This dress is sexy, sophisticated, and stylish! It is not sweet!

And gorgeous.

What?

It's everything you said and more. It's gorgeous.

-I'd wear it. What size is it?

-So what was with the "sweet" remark?

The way you were showing it off to those fashion tragedies?

Letting them think they know something about style. That was really sweet.

Right. OK.

I had no idea what I thought meant so much to you.

Word of advice.

Don't let your dad push you around.

-He's not.

-"A chance to excel."

For a moment I thought I was caught up in some mental time warp,

I was back there listening to my dad drone on and on about school.

Worked for you. You got all your exams, and a place at uni...

-I got my exams because

-I

-worked hard and wanted to go to uni.

Do it for yourself.

Those losers have had their chance.

Why do I do it?

Why can't I just learn to say no?

It'll be fine. Bob's not fussy.

No, but Eileen is. If this isn't right my life won't be worth living.

She's already mad enough at me for agreeing to do it and forgetting I was at the brewery all day.

Apparently she had plans and I've ruined them, again.

I told you! Charlie and I will sort the room and I'll organise the food. No problem.

-And you've done this kind of thing before?

-Lost count how many times.

I did exist before Shieldinch.

Well, big yourself up to Eileen then.

Leave Eileen to me.

Oh, I wish I could.

Just let me weave my magic and this will become a cosy, romantic, wedding venue.

This could be a gold-mine.

-Everyone takes at least a couple of goes at getting married, right?

-True.

The world's full of cynics.

Am I the only one with romance and passion in their blood?

Annie, would you do me the honour...?

See, now that's exactly where I like my men, at my feet.

Get up, you, have some dignity!

Could you do it for the same money?

I'll throw in the expertise and imagination for free.

OK.

I think there's some more decorations in the store room.

Whatever you do, just make Eileen happy, for all our sakes.

I'll see you tomorrow.

All right.

Sorry, were you expecting Iona?

No. I wasn't expecting anybody, how?

-That's all I needed to know.

-Eh?

-You need to speak to her.

-I can't.

Aye, you can and you have to. Or are you just going to let her turn up at the wedding,

and see that bit where they ask if there's anybody present...

Oh, no. I cannae have that.

-I don't know what happened. One minute we were talkin' and the next...

-So I heard.

The thing is...

I don't know what to say.

You need to say something!

No matter what happened, Bob, you need to set her straight

-or are you going to avoid her for the rest of your life?

-Well, what am I goin to say?

-I don't know!

You're both as bad as each other.

But you need to get it sorted before you get married, right?

Look, you can't talk here and you can't talk at the Deli.

So she'll get you at the beer garden in ten minutes.

Now that's an offer I can't refuse.

I'm dropping everything, I'm on my way.

Well, the sooner the better. I'm stuck here later in the day but then...

Actually, Eileen. I'm in the car,

I better go. I'll call you back.

-I'll get the stuff now and be back later.

-And you'll have it all sorted by four?

-Absolutely.

THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER

You go first.

Right.

This is going to sound crazy, but we never said anything last night

about last night and...

I think we need to.

Talk.

Just let me say my piece. Right?

Last night talking like we did and then...that kiss.

The talking was just talking but...

the kiss?

It was really, really special,

it meant something.

To me.

And I've snogged enough to know!

The thing is,

it just made me think.

Think that I'm the numpty that never realised what you've always known.

I know, I've spent ages denying the obvious

but I can't deny how that felt.

And I can't let you walk away without telling you that.

So, there you go.

But, the big thing is, I mean it was both of us.

You kissed me just as much as I kissed you.

So, to get to the point...

I love you and I think that you love me.

I think that that kiss was our last chance to wise up to the fact that we are meant to be together.

Well, thanks for not denying it.

DOOR OPENS Bob!

He's going to be so chuffed! Bob?

Come here!

Don't say your big sister doesn't look after you!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

-Sorry, a few of the boys popped round to wish him well and one thing led to another.

-Bob!

-Is he not with you?

-Does it look like it?

-I thought he'd gone round to you.

Some best man you are! It's not ten o'clock and you've lost the groom?

He'll be away for a wee hairy dog.

What?

Go look for him, darlin', and start at the pub.

Smart! Where'd you get this?

-Hi, I just need a word with Bob.

-Join the queue, hen.

It's mad.

I've spent 40 years trying to get a girlfriend

and suddenly I've got two women saying that they love me and want to be with me!

-I know it can't be easy.

-So why now?

Why have you waited all this time?

Why didn't you tell me when we were seeing each other?

Instead of waiting till the day of my wedding, when I'm getting married! To somebody else!

That's the thing...

You're doing my head in.

I'm about to make the biggest commitment of my life and you're coming out with this!

I can't deal with this. I've got a wedding to go to. This is pure...

Look, you've got to deal with this and it's not mad, it's simple.

Do you want to be with Tatiana or d'you want to be with me?

Just remember, whatever happens I love you and I'd do anything for you.

Wedding Planner!

I've heard it all now!

They're getting married in the Pool Room at the local pub.

What does the Wedding Planner do? Decide where to hide the dart board?

So you're happy if I go for a more amuse bouche approach, rather than

go down the sausage rolls and soggy vol au vents route?

Amuse Bouche? What the hell's that?

I'm not eating that!

-Is there something Ukrainian I could try and get for you?

-Aye, beetroot.

I'm sure that's very "amuse bouche".

I'm happy with whatever you think everyone will enjoy.

As long as Bob likes it, that's the main thing.

I'm sure his bouche needs amusing.

Don't you worry. Leave it to me. You've got enough on your plate.

And you look fabulous already.

It's nice she's helping.

Oh, everybody's involved!

Can't keep their noses out!

After my boy insisted he didn't want any fuss!

If he had he would have come and asked his mammy about it.

I've had enough weans to know about wedding planning

but oh, no, everybody else is sticking their neb in.

Here the groom's mother makes the wedding plans?

I'm sorry. I didn't know this.

Add that to the list of what you don't know already!

Flowers!

We have no flowers.

Something Scottish, traditional.

You've left it a bit late!

You'll be lucky to get what's left in the bucket at the petrol station.

No. Nothing there.

So, did your parents buy you this place?

What makes you ask that?

I don't know. I'm used to the retro shops down in London, you know,

like Notting Hill, Chelsea, Spitalfields,

they've got a different ambience to them, more vintage than second-hand.

If you need any tips.

-I know this place down in Spitalfields...

-Thanks.

If I ever need any tips you'll be the first one that I'll call.

I'll take that. £5?

-It's £10, actually.

-Yeah, but it's not worth that.

This is Shieldinch, not the Barras, the price is the one that's marked on the tag.

But you haven't sold it, have you?

There's your clue. Maybe you should revalue it.

Yeah, you're right.

You can have it for £15.

I take it you don't have any customer satisfaction cards?

You'd have to have bought something to qualify.

The sleeves are a wee bit long, but not much.

-It's great.

-Where'd you get it?

Down the Cancer charity shop.

My pal's man's your size. It's perfect.

It's the business. Well, done.

What?

They've used up all mine!

I'm the pensioner here, mind, I live hand to mouth, it's about time some folk round here realised that.

I'm not made of money.

-Oh, by the way, your bride's forgot the flowers.

-Ignore the miserable old cow.

Right... Aw, now that works!

Could you pretend to look interested!

That tie's lovely and thanks for getting me the suit, Scarlett. Cheers.

-Sherry? Is that right?

-For dessert.

And you, you lucky boy!

We've got the flat to ourselves so you can have a wee appetiser right now!

It's normal to be nervous.

Don't freak out because you're freaked out.

She's a lovely woman and she makes you happy.

-It's as simple as that.

-Aye, but how do you know when it's the right one?

Nobody knows the future, but if it feels right, right now, well...

You and Jimmy always seemed right to me.

Aye, we were,

for a long time.

Right, have you got everything?

Aye. And thanks again, Scarlett.

I saw you at the pub.

I saw you kiss him. What the hell are you playing at?

He's getting married today!

I know that, and so does Bob.

So what is wrong with you?

You've been obsessed with splitting them up since they met. You've tried dishing the dirt on my mum,

you've tried to get her deported and now you're trying it on with him?

You're sick, you know that?

Bob and my mum are getting married so just butt out of their lives!

I can't do that. I've known Bob a lot longer than you or your mum.

-You don't love him.

-Actually, I do.

Then why can't you leave him alone and let him be happy with Mum?

She loves Bob, Bob loves her, we're going to be a family.

No, you're not! There's no such thing as an instant family or love at first sight.

The real thing takes a lot longer.

Christina, I understand that you want a family, but Bob is not your dad.

I know that.

But he's going to be my wee brother or sister's dad.

What, your mum's pregnant?

Bob doesn't know.

He hasn't got a clue.

She's gonnae tell him later after the wedding.

It'll be her present to him.

She didn't want people like you thinking she'd guilt tripped him into marriage.

Lucky kid, eh? They're going to get a great dad.

So think about it.

You might be aiming this at Mum but the person you'll hurt most is Bob.

He's going to be so chuffed, isn't he?

I can't wait to see his face when he finds out.

-I hope you've put a chill pill in your boss's.

-What?

-Where were you earlier?

I don't know what I've done but Amber had a massive go at me then she threw me out.

-She's in a right strop.

-Really? She was all right when I left.

Oh, great, so it's just me she hates!

I was really friendly, I was chatty.

I wanted to buy a brooch, a little heart-shaped diamante brooch,

and she put the price up right in front of me!

She told me straight - a fiver more than it said on price ticket.

-What's that all about?

-I don't know. Amber's all right,

-but she just broke up from Fraser, so she's a bit edgy.

-Edgy? Psychotic, more like.

She knew I couldn't afford £15. It was only marked at 10.

I only wanted it for tonight.

She was well out of order.

Anyway, no biggie, all I meant to say was watch your back for this afternoon. See you.

Zinnie, hold up.

The brooch? Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it. Little heart-shaped one, yeah?

Hi. You must be Charlie. I'm Sandy,

-a friend of Eileen's.

-Oh, hello.

-I just popped round to take Eileen out for lunch.

-You said five minutes.

-Sorry. I had to take a bottle to Annie, for a pudding.

-That was nearly an hour ago.

-I stayed for some coffee.

-This dessert better be worth it.

-Oh, it is, believe me.

Sorry, Eileen, I didn't realise you were going out.

Spur-of-the-moment thing.

-So, lunch? My treat.

-Absolutely not.

Raymond's gone out for the day, and my wee boy's at his Auntie Gina's,

so while we've got the place to ourselves,

why don't I make you something a wee bit special upstairs?

No, honestly. I'm the one who just turned up.

And I'm the one who's going to make sure you're happy you did. Come on.

Make sure we're ready for the wedding... or there might be a funeral.

Right, Conor, I need to nip out the back to do some paperwork,

-so will you be OK out here?

-Yeah, no problem.

Give me a shout if you need me.

KNOCKING

Iona!

Iona! It's me.

Hiya.

Listen, I've been thinking, and you're right,

I'll do it.

I'll cancel the wedding. Cos if I've got the slightest wee chance with you, I'm goin' to take it, so...

you're on.

It's your turn to say something.

Bob...

I love you, but...

But?

What do...what do you mean "but"?

Well...you're right,

it's no' simple.

-I've been thinking...

-Thinking?!

I've been going mental thinking!

Something's changed your mind. What is it?

It wasn't fair of me to take advantage of you, not when you're under all this pressure.

But you did. And you were right.

Maybe I'm no'.

About what? About not loving me?

No, I do love you!

But...

if we were meant to be together,

we would be, wouldn't we?

Maybe we're no' together for a reason.

-Like you don't love me?

-No!

You never ken what's round the corner.

Four months ago, you went to a pub in Oban, and there she was.

Maybe it's fate.

I must've passed away a boring morning for you, eh?

Did you have fun? You're doing it again! You're playing me for an eejit!

Let's all laugh at big, daft Bob.

Whistle him over like a dog that's starved of affection and then kick his head in.

I never meant to do this...

Aye, you did!

You always do,

and I fall for it, cos I'm so stupid.

I can't believe I nearly gave up a woman

as good and kind as Tatiana for a twisted, heartless bitch like you.

You said you loved me and you'd do anything for me.

Well, prove it.

Get out of my life and stay out.

-Bob, just get home now.

-Hi, is Bob with you?

-No, no, nothing's wrong.

-Give me a call, all right?

How can you lose something his size twice in the one day?

Have you checked behind the fridge?

Not funny. Look, let's not panic, eh?

We'll find him, and when we do, we'll get him all suited and booted.

-Tatiana, she'll hardly even recognise him.

-That's right, she'll no'.

-He's seen sense and done a runner. He's probably on the bus to Millport.

-That's enough!

We all know what he's like - he's probably just wandered off and forgot the time and...

Forgotten he's getting married. Aye, it's easy done.

-Don't worry, darling. Bob will not let you or your mum down.

-Oh, for heaven's sake!

Can nobody around here take a joke?!

Thank you. Bye!

Hi, Amber! You wanted to see me?

Yeah. Sorry, I didn't want to bring this to your home.

What?

-Come on, Conor.

-I was going to bring it back tomorrow, honest.

Is this what I think it is?

I wasn't stealing it! I was going to bring it back.

Amber, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say.

-I was borrowing it, honest!

-So you asked Amber if you could take it?

-No...

-Then you stole it!

How stupid are you?

There's no such thing as "borrowing" without the owner's consent.

It's called theft. She has every right to call the police.

What else have you taken?

Nothing! Ever, honest, Amber.

-I swear. I'm so sorry. I really am.

-I know you are.

OK, let's just leave it at that,

and I'll see you next week, OK?

-You're not keeping him on?

-He's a good boy.

I'm sure he's learnt his lesson.

And when you think about it, you can't think that Conor's the brains behind this operation, can you?

It's not really Conor's style, is it?

I may be way out of line saying this, but your niece was in here earlier

-trying to haggle a cheaper price for it.

-Zinnie?

Where have you been? We've been worried sick!

Been trying to phone you.

-Are you OK?

-Aye. I'm fine. Aye.

Are you? What's happened?

Nothing. Molly's been saying you've done a runner and...

I told you, you don't listen to that old bat - none of us dae.

Robbie's here. In his lunch hour.

-For the makeover!

-Aw...

I went out for some air

and I met these guys and got talking

and I lost track of time. Sorry.

Told you! This guy needs a woman!

Or a lead!

So I can tell Mum you'll be ready?

Aye, tell her I'll be ready, aye.

GIGGLING

Look, are you going to stop messing around and help me?

He stole a brooch?

Oh, yes. And strangely enough,

a brooch Zinnie wanted to knock down in price but Amber wasn't having it.

-What's Zinnie got to do with this?

-Conor stole a brooch that Zinnie wanted but wouldn't pay for.

Is that clear enough?

So Conor steals, and it's Zinnie's fault?

What would a 14-year-old boy want with a heart-shaped diamante brooch?

You've seen what he's like around her.

Are you saying that Zinnie asked Conor to steal for her?

Well, it's one hell of a coincidence!

I do not want my son so infatuated he can't tell right from wrong.

Zinnie staying here... it's not working.

Michael! You're getting this completely out of proportion!

Let's not have another "your kids are bad, my kids are good" argument!

Oh, I'm over-reacting because I've discovered my son is a thief?

No. He's a good boy, he's just...easily led.

Maybe one of his friends dared him.

Whatever it was, he has to learn to say no.

She's not perfect, I know that,

but there's no way she'd ask Conor to steal for her.

You need to calm down and think about this.

I have. I don't see what the problem is.

She can stay somewhere else, she can stay with someone else.

-Friends, family.

-No, she can't.

But her grandparents... Her parents will be back soon. Their house...

-Has been rented out.

-What? How long for?

A year, maybe.

A year!

-They've gone travelling for her first year at uni?

-And that's just typical.

All her life, Zinnie's been dumped from one relative to another, child-minders, boarding school.

Their only child has never been a priority to them.

Have you noticed how often they call to check how she is?

Exactly.

Her parents have abandoned her again, but I can't.

She's part of our family now.

I can't just take that away from her.

Well... I still want to know the truth.

Of course.

Conor can stay in his room till Zinnie gets back.

Then we'll get to the bottom of this.

You're great at this.

I bet your wedding'll be a cracker.

Think I'll get an invite to that?

I pride myself on only making a mistake once.

Maybe the next guy won't be a mistake, maybe it'll be happy ever after.

Oh, you're so sweet. You do realise when they invented "until death us do part", no-one lived past 40.

I never had you down for a quitter.

-And you'd be right.

-And you should never say never...

That's also true.

But he'd have to be one hell of a guy to tempt you, wouldn't it?

That goes without saying.

Come on, they'll be on their way.

I need a centrepiece for the altar.

Some of those floating candles and flowers

would look great in that big glass bowl that's in the kitchen cupboard.

I'll get it.

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

Conor! Get yourself down here.

What's up?

There was a brooch you liked at Amber's, a small diamante...

-Yeah.

-Sit!

-Conor stole it...

-I didn't steal it!

I was going to bring it back tomorrow!

Conor! No way!

-I thought...

-You thought what?

I thought you were going to ask Amber for a staff discount!

I never, ever thought you were just going to take it. Conor, what were you thinking of?

You said you only wanted it for tonight,

and I didn't think Amber would notice and I could bring it back tomorrow.

So you didn't ask him to steal it?

-Absolutely not!

-No, Zinnie didn't ask me to do anything - I just wanted to get it for her.

It was me, I was being stupid...

Well, that's the understatement of the year!

I am so sorry if this is my fault, but I never meant Conor to take it or to get in any trouble.

Let's go halves on some flowers for Amber, to apologise. I'm sorry.

Yeah, but I'll get them. It was all my fault, and I'll get them on my own.

So this has just been one of those misunderstandings.

Let's just drop the subject now, OK?

She makes you happy, doesn't she?

Who?

Tatiana! Who else?

Bob, I'm no' fit to give advice, but let me tell you this -

you find a good woman,

you hang on to her

and you hang on tight.

Hi, Bob!

-Just wanted to wish you all the very best.

-Cheers.

-Congratulations.

You're going to be very happy, I'm sure.

We'll catch up with you later on, and I expect you'll have a smile on your face by that time.

Hi! ..I had to think on my feet,

which is no' easy at my age, but here you go - something traditional and Scottish.

Did you get them from the wee woman who hangs around the tube station?

Listen, you try finding traditional Scottish flowers at an hour's notice! What's up with them?

Nothing. They're great. Thanks.

-Thanks.

-You ready?

I'm sorry I couldn't help overhear that fuss with Conor -

if you want a brooch, you can borrow one.

Mirror?

I was thinking about wearing my black stilettos and flesh-coloured tights with my dress.

Yeah, perfect...with that dress and your new hair.

It's very chic. Very Audrey Hepburn.

-I love her.

-Good choice.

So when you dress, think...what would Audrey wear?

Easy for you to say - all your clothes are from the West End or London.

Yeah, exactly. I doubt Audrey would spend very long in Hola!

You were right about my dad.

If he'd back off, I might enjoy school, I might even do OK.

The sooner they perfect cloning the better. All parents want is someone to do better in life than they did.

You should live your own life, not theirs.

Some people aren't fit to have kids.

My mum's got this whole new life in Canada that me and Conor didn't fit into.

Your parents go jetting off round the world, rent out your house

and dump you with some cousin you don't even know.

At least you can escape to uni, though. I can't wait to get out of here.

Are they no good?

What is this?

All this girlie, sister bonding stuff?

And who the hell do you think you are?

-What? All I'm saying is I understand what it's like to be let down by your parents.

-Oh, I'm sure you do!

But don't you dare to presume to know anything about me or my family!

My parents haven't dumped me - I agreed they should go.

I'm not a kid. I don't need to come home to Mummy and Daddy

every night to have my homework checked and be tucked up in bed.

-I was trying to be nice.

-Yeah? Well, don't bother.

I don't need a sister, I don't need a bezzie mate, and I don't need you or your cosy, perfect family.

I guess you don't need your parents either, then.

Which is just as well, because they're gone and they don't call very often.

And why didn't they take you with them? You could have flown back for uni.

I guess, if you were MY kid, Australia is about as near to you as I'd want to be.

-Aye, all right, Annie!

-DOOR SHUTS

It's fine, he's here.

-You were going to bring some stuff over? The Deli's shut.

-Well spotted!

But you ARE coming? To Bob's...

I'm feeling rough, that's why the Deli's shut.

But a drink'll sort that out.

Look, take the keys, take the stuff, take anything you want - just gie us peace, all right?

But I can't carry it all myself. Come on, you told Annie you'd help.

-Tough!

-But you'll want to...

What? What will I want?

All right, all right! I'll help you over with the stuff, but then I'm out of there...

-Bob will be expecting you.

-He's getting married!

Why would he expect anything from me?

-I did it! I finished it. I swear.

-So where is it?

Look, I can't work out why you can't find it, but the end result

is the same. You need to get it to the tutor by the end...

I'm not doing it again! I've done it!

-Nicole...

-No!

-I told you! You're not going to the party if that project is not ready to hand over!

Well?

Nicole, I'm waiting.

Good for you!

Nicole! Get back here!

MUSIC PLAYS

# The night we met I knew I... needed you so... #

You look...

No' bad'?

You look no' bad yourself.

Look what your big sister gave me!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Did you get one from the Best Man?

Here you go.

Lucky white heather.

Molly, thank you.

It's perfect.

Mother of the Groom coming through.

Oh, my goodness!

So much for no frills, eh?

It looks amazing.

You deserve the best.

# ..You know I will adore you till eternity

-# So won't you please

-Be my, be my baby... #

Robert and Tatiana have described theirs as a whirlwind romance,

but here we are today surrounded by friends and family who are here to wish them

all the best as they start out on their future as husband and wife.

So I must ask, is there anyone here present who knows any just cause

why these two people cannot be joined in matrimony?

-So, Tatiana Michalka...

-"Me-hal-ka".

.."Me-hal-ka", do you take Robert O'Hara to be your lawfully wedded husband,

to love and cherish him until death do you part?

I do.

And, Robert O'Hara,

do you take Tatiana Michalka to be your lawfully wedded wife,

to love and cherish her until death do you part?

I do.

Then it is with great honour and pleasure that, with the authority granted upon me,

I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

One for the Ukraine! They're waiting!

I'll take one of you.

-I hope you've done the right thing, eh?

-Darlin'...brilliant.

Right, listen up, folks!

-Now, I hope you've all got a glass...a full glass?

-Right, I will!

Molly, Molly, just a minute, eh?

Right, just a few words.

You care about him, he cares about you - just wish the big guy well, eh?

First up, a message from South America!

Wee Bob and Kelly-Marie send their love across the oceans.

ALL: Aw...

So, I'm sure I'm not the only one

who wishes the big man and his lovely bride all the very, very best!

-To Big Bob and Tatiana!

-ALL: To Big Bob and Tatiana.

CHEERING

Look, I know this couldn't have been easy for you,

but...thanks for letting me come today and being there for him.

It means a lot to me.

Today's about Bob and what he wants.

I done it for him.

Excuse me, everybody! I wasn't going to say anything, cos I didn't...

-ALL:

-Didn't want a fuss!

But I'm glad you never paid me any attention,

cos I would just like to say

how chuffed I am that this beautiful, clever, warm-hearted woman

has made me the happiest man on earth.

So, Charlie, get these glasses filled!

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to my beautiful wife.

To Tatiana!

-ALL:

-Tatiana.

-No! No! To Bob!

-ALL:

-To Bob.

Oh, now, that's just weird!

Oh, what have you done?

-Sorry, I tried to move it, and it got caught... I'm sorry.

-Well, you can buy me another!

Oh, look, I can't wear this!

I'll go and get you one from the flat.

Don't worry! You're forgiven!

Just make sure you buy me a new one.

Hi, Dad! Can you loan us a fiver?

That's it, for real now!

-You're my dad!

-Come here.

So, when are you going to give him his big surprise?

-Congratulations!

-Cheers. Thanks a lot. ..What surprise? I thought we said no presents.

This one couldn't be helped, I guess.

Later. I'll tell him later - just now is not a very good time.

Yes, it is! Just look at him! You've got to tell him now.

I've not got anything for you cos we said no presents.

But that's the point.

You have.

What?

You've already given her the present.

It's MY secret.

Pregnant? THEY MOUTH

What do you mean?

What, did you skip that class in biology(?)

-You're pregnant?

-Hey...

Did I hear right, Bob?

You've scored before the kick-off?!

That's fantastic, big man!

I'm going to be a daddy!

Well done!

Four months ago, you were on your own - now you've a new wife, a teenager and bairn on the way!

Aw, it's magic! I'm going to be an auntie!

Just shows you - you never know what's round the corner, eh?

-MOLLY:

-That's all I bloody need - a screaming wean.

This is one very lucky baby.

You knew, didn't you?

I found out.

Christina came into the shop... she was that excited, she let slip.

Thank you.

For what?

If you hadn't...pushed me, I might no' have done the right thing.

Aye, you would.

You're a good man, Bob...

the best I know.

You'd have just have felt a hundred times worse about dumping me.

I think it's time we both got the message, eh?

Star-crossed lovers, the pair of us, or what?

-And you're going to be a daddy!

-Aye!

I'm dead chuffed for you.

You're going to make somebody a great dad.

And I really mean that.

Never let it be said that Iona MacIntyre doesn't mean what she says.

You said you loved me...

..and you'd do anything for me.

And I...

I do...love you.

Well, you're going to be a dad now.

So that means...

it really is time we moved on.

So if you dinnae mind...

I'm going to head off now.

You have a wonderful time...

and be happy.

Go on, get back to your family.

MOBILE TINGS

Missed me?

I can see from your records, you're quite accident prone.

Broken collar bone, broken ribs.

Our honeymoon was planned like the D-Day landings.

You and Annie, you were married?

-Past histories, eh?

-Didn't expect to see you here -

thought you'd be too busy with your new business partner.

-What?

-Why don't you tell him what you were up to? You can start

with those phone calls you've been making to the council.

Stay away from me, do you hear? I never want to see you again.

Jo, you are vain and deluded and definitely no' that bright.

You're not a kid any more. Grow up, eh?

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