Episode 1 The A Word

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

BOY SINGS ALONG TO HEADPHONES

# ...Out come all these words

# Oh, there's a very pleasant side to you

# A side I much prefer

# It's one that laughs and jokes around

# Remember cuddles in the kitchen, yeah,

# To get things off the ground

# And it was up, up and away

# Oh, but it's right hard to remember that

# That on a day like today

# When you're all argumentative

# And you've got the face on... #

HORN TOOTS

# Well now, then, Mardy Bum

# Oh, I'm in trouble again, aren't I?

# I thought as much

# Cos you turned over there

# Pulling that silent disappointment face

# The one that I can't bear, well, can't we...

# Just laugh and joke around

# Remember cuddles in the kitchen, yeah... #

# To get things off the ground

# And it was

# Up, up and away

# Oh, but it's right hard to remember that

# On a day like today

# When you're all argumentative

# And you've got the face on

# And yeah I'm sorry I was late

# But I missed the train and then the traffic was a state

# And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate

-# That re-occurs, oh... #

-HORN TOOTS

Oh, he's here!

# ..But of course I do, yeah, I clearly do... #

Thanks, lads!

Hello. Thanks.

You're a genius. What are you?

A genius!

# So laugh and joke around

# Remember cuddles in the kitchen, yeah,

# To get things off the ground

# And it was up, up and away

# Oh, but it's right hard to remember that

# On a day like today when you're all... #

Right.

# ..Argumentative

# And you've got the face on. #

Right. No music and no presents until you've got ready, Mister.

Pull your arm out...there you go, off you pop.

Rebecca! I need help! Joe, your party clothes are on the bed.

I see you're doing what you can for the childhood obesity epidemic.

It's the whole class. There's 30 of the little buggers.

-Is that what you're wearing?

-No. You're hallucinating. Yeah. Why?

-Are there any Cheerios?

-Any word from Eddie and his whore of a wife?

No. Let's be kind and supportive to both him and his whore of a wife...

It's never going to work.

She cheated on your brother. Not you.

You really don't understand family, do you?

Not yours, I don't.

Good lord. Did you need planning permission for that cake?

Party bags! Dad.

So, they need a toy. A book. Packet of sweets.

Tattoo stickers, bookmarks, Super Ball and baseball cap in each.

What happened to a balloon and a slice of cake?

And just make sure Joe's centre stage.

-Of course.

-You know what you're like when there are other kids around

that laugh at your jokes more than he does, hm?

Joe's birthday, Joe's day. And don't hog the karaoke, either!

Karaoke? At a five-year-old's birthday party?

Joe's birthday.

Joe's day.

-Are you ready to dance...?

-KIDS:

-Yeah!

Let's go!

MUSIC: Rock Lobster by The B-52s

I want to see those moves. I want to see those moves, that's it.

Turn around.

Go on, Joe!

MUSIC STOPS

Anybody moving? Let me have a little look.

No.

OK, I bet next time I'll be able to catch one of you out!

You ready?

MUSIC RESTARTS

MUSIC STOPS

Joe! Joe! Joe! The music's stopped.

-CHILD: Joe!

-Joe!

Joe!

OK, Joe's out, don't worry!

Oh, a little girl there, Lucy, is it?

I think your head was moving a little bit, lovely.

I wasn't moving.

Just a little bit.

Just a little, love. I think you were.

Well done.

OK! Ready?

OK! Here we go!

MUSIC RESTARTS

Any word from the entertainer?

Sat nav problems.

What? I thought she was a mermaid.

How's that going to stop her needing sat nav?

Oh, I'm thinking of dolphins.

Is the camera charged, Dad?

I thought I was on party bags.

Lucy Merrick was not moving her hand, by the way.

You want your own son to be the first one out on his birthday?

No. But knocking Lucy out, it drew attention to Joe, didn't it?

It's Joe's day. He should be the centre of attention.

-DOORBELL

-Oh, eh, who can that be?

Hi!

Well done for finding us!

Sea Lily. Underwater theme.

HORN TOOTS

The trailer... No, no, no, no...

Oh, great!

Summat wrong?

Yes. But nothing that should bother you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dad. Can I just park the thing, OK? You're not helping.

Is that more parking semaphore or humility. I can never tell!

Eddie. At least get the car parked before we start an argument, hey?

Did you hire a hooker for a kid's birthday party?

Oh, right!

-Did you adjust the pressure for that load?

-What?

Doctor. How are you?

I'm very good, thank you, and you?

Good. Yes. Good. Look.

No cancer! Again!

Good.

Only teasing, you know.

Um...

So you're, er, going to walk to the kerb from there, are you?

It's an old Woody Allen joke. 1977. Misquoted.

But up here counts as cutting-edge humour.

Eddie? Keys!

ENTERTAINER: Now we're underwater, deep in the ocean...

We just have to be really careful of the jellyfish...

Look who I found lurking around outside.

Sorry about the timing.

We tried to call but no signal.

Don't worry at all.

You made it just in time to sing Happy Birthday.

It's lovely to see you.

You've lost weight.

Have I?

Hi, Alice.

ENTERTAINER: That's it! Keep swimming, all the way up.

What a beautiful cake!

Did you buy it or make it yourself?

ENTERTAINER: Jellyfish! Swim away!

Did we hug yet?

I'll get you a drink.

Hey!

ENTERTAINER: Now just be careful,

you don't want to be stung by a jellyfish!

Joe. Birthday boy! You are Neptune.

My assistant. I need you.

-Now, if all the little fishes...

-Did they hire an hooker?

-..and the turtles are very quiet...

I already made that joke.

Then something special might be coming for Neptune!

Sh!

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Joe... #

LOUD MUSIC FROM STEREO

# Happy birthday to you! #

Not yet, not yet, not yet, Joe!

You've got your candles to blow out, haven't ya?

Eh, come on, come on, mate.

Look, all your friends are waiting for you to blow your candles out.

Go on.

Come on, then, top lad! There we go!

Make way for the birthday boy!

Eh, Joe, come on. On your feet lad, big boy.

-It's all right...

-Hey Dad, Dad, leave him. Dad, leave him.

Joe? Joe? You've got a really cool birthday cake.

I think he's just a bit tired, you know.

Joe, you want to see your cake, don't ya?

It's got an octopus and fishes and seaweed on it.

Just a minute.

It's just...

# I was waiting in the bar...

# Where were you?

# I was buying you a drink

# Where were you?

# I was crying home in bed

# Where were you? #

MAKES DRUMMING NOISES

Mekons. 1978. Where Were You?

-Yay!

-Well done!

-Shall we blow your candles out?

-OK!

-Good lad!

Good lad, there we go.

Get yourself to the cake.

Why does there have to be something wrong with everyone?

OK! I'm wrong, let's change the subject.

Like my dad's bowel cancer.

Your dad had all the symptoms.

Yes. Apart from bowel cancer.

I do know a bit about child development.

I did do a paediatric rotation.

Hardly likely to forget that, am I?

OTHERS SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY

CHEERING

Mum was right about the balloons.

The boys just hit each other with them, then lie on them till they burst.

Must be a breast-envy thing.

Most things are.

You all set for the new job, Eddie?

Hardly new, is it?

Is that the enthusiasm you showed your London customers? No wonder you went bust.

When did we stop ripping presents open as soon as they came in through the door?

When one little boy told his old Auntie

he had Buzz Lightyear already and was scared of him anyway.

-I was ten years old, Dad.

-How do you know I was talking about you?

There's millions of Buzz Lightyears out there.

Come on, kidder, let's get these presents ripped open.

You were scared of Buzz Lightyear? Really?

He was always so certain he was right.

I have an aversion to certainty. I can't think why.

If I had my way, I'd flush them headphones down the toilet.

He just likes music.

What?

What was that look?

Nothing.

No, it was something. What was it?

It's just...

You don't think Joe might have some kind of communication disorder?

-(Eddie.)

-It's just something might be worth checking out?

We had his hearing checked. It's perfect.

That not good enough for you?

No, it's just, I might be talking shit, right, but Joe's really gifted

in some ways, but he seems unable to follow simple instructions.

Joe? Our Joe?

Are you kidding?

He just wanted his own way on his birthday.

You find me a five-year-old who isn't like that.

Is this your opinion, Eddie? Or is it Nicola's? Is that what you were arguing about in the hall?

Rebecca, give everyone a glass, my love. This is losing its fizz.

You're telling me.

A few words on this occasion of Joe's fifth birthday.

I retired so, er, my son could come home and...

I lost my dear Sandra 12 months ago but...

Look, I'm sorry...no... So he lay down on the carpet?

-Eh? Who didn't have a tantrum on their own birthday?

-Exactly.

Nicola. Why do you have to make yourself feel important by finding

fault with everyone else?

Toast. To us. Eh? To us! All back together.

Fighting like only a loving family can.

To us!

-I think we should go and unpack.

-Yeah. Good idea!

I'm making a toast here. Nobody leaves until they bloody join in.

To us!

-OTHERS:

-To us!

# Space travels in my blood

# There ain't nothing I can do about it... #

MUSIC: Another Girl, Another Planet by Blink 182

# I think I'm on another world with you

# With you

# I'm on another planet with you

# Another girl

# Is loving you now

# Another planet...

# Another planet. #

What did you mean - "Communication disorder"?

I really don't want to talk about it, Maurice.

The last time you visited, you said I had bowel cancer,

so you'll understand if I have questions.

You had weight loss and blood in your stools.

-I just said you should have it checked out.

-That's as maybe.

But thanks to your advice, a strange man stuck his finger up my arse.

He didn't even buy you dinner first.

I'm going for a walk.

It's going to be dark soon.

I'm going for a walk in the dark.

I thought SHE cheated on you.

What's that got to do with anything?

And you let her talk to you like that? When she's the one in the wrong?

No wonder she cheated on you.

Do you believe Nicola? She hasn't even got kids.

Well, in fairness, it was your Eddie's fault that it came out at all.

We don't owe her an explanation.

She doesn't get to judge our son!

In fact, she has no right to judge anyone!

Right, so adultery makes her a bad doctor, does it?

Christ, there'd be no good doctors at all if that were true.

Does this look like my sexual desire face, to you?

I don't know. Not normally looking at your face.

Is it the balloons or Sea Lily that's got you all stirred up?

-Sea Lily...

-Yeah.

She turned out brilliantly, didn't she?

-And I've got an early booking for Joe's stag night.

-Look.

60 months old, he ticks 80% of the boxes.

I ought to mark this up and post it through Nicola's door.

You know - sex can be a very effective cure for anger.

Who says I want a cure?

Come on.

Come on.

Got a hard-on down here you can hang your washing off.

Oh, good. Got a delicates wash on.

It's not sex slang, by any chance, that, is it?

Totally not, no.

DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE

COMPUTER GAMING NOISES

Hey, hey, little man.

Hello.

It's bedtime, isn't it? Come on, let me have that!

Give me that. There you go.

Right, come on, lie down.

That's it. Right.

There we go.

Sh, sh, sh. Right, lie down.

# The time has come to say goodnight

# To say, sleep tight till the morning light. #

HE SIGHS

No? Not tired?

OK, come on.

OK, sweetheart.

Hi.

Oh. Hi.

Is he having trouble sleeping?

Oh, it's too much excitement.

Way too many Haribos.

Car sends him to sleep, it always works.

So - do you do this a lot? Drive him around to get him to sleep?

No. No. Hardly ever.

I didn't know you smoked.

Hardly ever.

HE OPENS WINDOW

Can we have music?

No, no music, Joe.

Don't You Want Me.

Close the window, Joe.

Who was the band?

Joe. Close the window.

Human League. 1981.

Close the window.

# You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar... #

-Joe, close the window!

-# ..When I met you

# I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around

# Turned you into someone new

-# Now five years later on... #

-Close the window!

# ..You've got the world at your feet

# Success has been so easy for you... #

That's enough! That's enough! That's enough!

That's enough. That's enough. That's enough!

Sorry.

# You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

# When I met you... #

You tired, baby?

I'm tired, too.

..Friday after school. There's just crisps, ice cream and a game

of football but if the weather holds, you know, there you go.

I'll see you at the party. OK?

SCHOOL BELL

Good morning.

Right, come on, everybody,

I know these invitations are really exciting, but put them away.

Bye, lovely boy.

Come on now, hurry up.

Good morning, Joe.

THUNDER RUMBLES

HORN BLARES

Oi, oi. I bet you didn't move back for the weather, did you?

Good job I didn't move back for the banter, if that's the best you've got.

Eh, that's a bit harsh. Must be the nerves.

-Joe got over his party yet?

-Bit of advice on your first day.

Do not let them Polish lads take advantage.

I learnt that the hard way.

Sorry about the row. Don't know why I blurted it out like that.

I think Joe's great. And I know what it's like to be the odd one out in this family.

Now, they are grafters, these lads, but they will give you the runaround

if they think you're going to be a pushover.

I did run my own business for two years, you know.

No, I know, I know. Lighten up. I'm only saying ...

Oi, oi.

Hello, Maurice, come in.

Try not to look so guilty, we're not doing anything to be ashamed of.

Speak for yourself.

Right!

Be gentle with him, eh, guys! Czesc!

THEY SPEAK POLISH

# ..A movie queen

# To play the scene or bringing all the good things out of me

# But for now, love, let's be real

# I never thought I could feel this way and I've got to say that I... #

Bloody hell.

I'm shouting again...

Yes, you lost the breathing.

When you're letting out the final breath on the note,

think what it's like to hold in a fart and then finally...

# Relax and let it go. #

I've never held a fart in in me life!

Well, maybe you should start.

Otherwise, good, Maurice, not bad at all.

Don't patronise me, Louise.

I've not been practising, there's been stuff at home.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Uh, uh, have you got a moment?

I've a proposal to put to ya.

-Not really, no.

-It won't take long.

Sit down, I'll make some tea.

Before you ask. I do not want to take up the ukulele.

This is what I'm thinking.

That you're alone and I'm alone and neither of us are particularly short of commitments or company,

you with your family and your business and me with the teaching, and the choir and Ralph, but...

Louise, come on...

Here's the "but".

I'm just going to say it.

I miss sex, do you?

I'm sorry?

I miss sex.

I'm sorry to hear that, erm...

Have you thought about the internet?

Oh, it's nasty out there, Maurice!

So I was thinking that you and I should perhaps...

start a sexual relationship?

It strikes me as a practical solution.

We're neither of us teenagers,

and we know our needs and we seem to like each oth...

And I can see the thought horrifies you, so I'll say no more about it.

-It's not that!

-Perhaps you don't miss the sex?

Not that, either!

I don't find you...

I don't think of you in that way.

Oh!

I'm kind of wishing this conversation had been about a ukulele.

Right, well, thank you for your honesty.

I should, I should go.

Of course, and if you do practise, erm,

remember to sing the low notes from down here.

Right.

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, come on, Wi-Fi, you know you want to.

KNOCKING

What did you mean, "Can't follow simple instructions"?

Maurice. Like I said. I really don't want to talk about it with you.

Don't get all delicate with me, Nicola.

If there's a problem with my grandson, then we need to get it fixed.

-And you think there's a problem, don't you?

-None of my business.

I think there is, as well.

And it's going to get bigger if we wait for them two airheads

to do anything about it.

So? Who do I talk to, where do I go?

Nobody needs to know you told me.

OK. I'll have a think.

I'll-I'll need to make a couple of phone calls.

That's OK. I can wait.

Um, I get a better signal on this in the bedroom.

Oh, you need to get one of these! You know, old but effective.

Like me.

-TV:

-One of the aspects of physical play that's maybe least understood

-is rough and tumble.

-PHONE RINGS

Hey, Dad. Did you pick him up all right, is everything OK?

Everything's fine.

I have to go to Manchester, so I thought I'd take him to the Science Museum.

Joe? Your mother says hello.

He waves hello back. I'll see you later.

Bye!

Bye.

-TV:

-Research shows that fear has evolved as a way of controlling aggression.

It's associated with the development of emotional and social skills

and understandings.

Oh, hey, latte?

Please.

Is Joe going to wear a proper kit?

For what?

For Friday?

Harry's football party?

Oh, right, um, yeah, no. Joe's not really that into football.

Much to his dad's despair.

You're late.

Or you could be early. Time's all relative.

We're out of skimmed milk. It's a latte.

Excuse me.

Hello, Joe. What are you doing here?

I'm his, er, grandad. I've got an appointment.

Er, cancellation.

Today? No. There must have been some misunderstanding.

That's better. How are you today, Joe?

You know him already? How do you know him?

I can't tell you that.

It's just confidentiality.

Yes. But you do know him ...

Clearly.

Don't take her money, Terry. She's family.

I knew I knew you from somewhere. It's Nicola. The doctor, right?

-So you came too in the end, then?

-Why wouldn't I?

Good for you! The past is the past, yeah?

Thank you.

Coffee, please, Terry!

So the cycle route comes right by Cumbria Way

and two other hikes cut down the hill.

So everybody sits out on the deck, eating dinner, drinking our beer.

And then in the evening, the day-trippers and the campers,

-they come over and they make use...

-Does everybody talk about everybody's business here?

Well, er,

pretty much.

Two metres of rainfall a year can do that to a town.

If you're hiking or cycling, the diner does the job, doesn't it?

It's only 100 yards away and it's good.

Why build a restaurant?

Oh, it's a gastropub, it's not a restaurant.

Even so...

It's a beautiful setting but it's kind of sinister, too.

Really?

-I don't think so.

-I like the contrast.

-Good.

-Not everyone will, but...

HAMMERING AND WHIRRING IN BACKGROUND

How was today?

It was OK.

I get the impression they all think Paul's a bit of a wanker, so...

that made it easier.

I did my CV and your dad came round.

He wanted to talk about Joe.

Oh, God. I told you we should stay out of that.

That's what I said. It's for Paul and Alison to deal with.

-Are you settling in?

-No.

Do you want to leave?

Only every hour or so.

Me too.

We can make this work, you know.

I know.

I do love you.

Do you?

I wouldn't have come here if I didn't.

GROANING FROM UPSTAIRS

Dinner's ready in 20 minutes.

GROANING CONTINUES, BED CREAKS

What's that?

Er, washing machine.

No, not that.

GROANING CONTINUES That. That sound.

Oh, I don't know.

GROANING INTENSIFIES

GROANING CONTINUES

-What are you doing?

-Don't stop.

What are you doing? With my hand?

I...

I've done it before. I just...

Not with me you haven't.

Oh!

Why don't you just tell me every move he made?

Everything you did to him and he did to you, eh?

I just thought it'd be nice.

So where did you learn it? With who?

Oh, Christ. Are you thinking about it? You can't even remember!

What else did you do?

I'm not indulging this.

Like you indulged him inside you, you mean?

SHOUTING FROM UPSTAIRS

You can't do that! You can't walk away!

-It's you that's in the bloody wrong!

-Oh is it, really?

Jesus, I never would have guessed!

There you two are. Where have you been?

Rebecca, would you take Joe and play, please?

I was just about to eat.

Take him to play? He must be exhausted.

All morning at big school and then a trip to Manchester.

Joe, did Harry give you an invitation today?

Is it in your folder?

I just want a word with your mum, love.

Come on, Joe.

Come on.

Let's go outside.

Unbelievable.

How was the Science Museum?

We didn't make it. We were in Manchester and it just so turns out

that the head honcho of St Greg's is a friend of a friend of Nicola's.

So?

So I dropped in on her with Joe. Tried to get a cancellation.

Sorry, you did what?

Dr Eshell. Seems like a lovely woman

and, er, what do you know? She knows Joe already.

You fucking did what?

Why didn't you tell me, love?

You and Paul don't have to go through this stuff on your own.

That's what your dad's here for.

You took my son to hospital without asking me?

To see a doctor? To have tests done?

I knew you were a control freak but this is like a whole other level.

Is the follow-up with the same doctor or are they going to bring a specialist in?

You kidnapped him?

Get out.

Get out!

What's going on?

Can you ease off trying to drag Nicola into family arguments?

Sure. If that's what I was doing.

We're trying to make a go of it up here and it's not easy.

Perfect family next door. Dad up the road.

Paul dropping in every five minutes to tell me how to run the brewery.

-Do you want my advice?

-No.

I advise you very strongly to get your head out of your arse.

There are bigger problems in this world than yours, you know.

That's all I'm saying.

"That's all I'm saying.

"With all due respect.

"If you don't mind me saying so."

Little sweeteners which you think give you permission

-to say what the hell you like.

-Stay away from my son!

MUSIC: Where Were You? by The Mekons

# When I was waiting in the bar Where were you?

# When I was buying you a drink Where were you?

# When I was crying at home in bed Where were you? #

You know Harry's having a party this afternoon.

-What time? We're going to be pushed to make it back.

-Joe wasn't invited.

What? No.

-What? No, you're wrong.

-No, seriously.

Every kid in his class got an invitation except for him.

-Harry? Harry with the inhaler?

-Yeah.

Well, who wants to go to his party anyway?

We've invited every kid since nursery.

How many invitations has he had in return?

He's being patronised by the kid with the inhaler?

This is Dr Waite, who I told you about.

Yes, of course. Hello.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

-I'll leave you to it.

-Thank you.

Please.

-Did you bring the questionnaire?

-Er, yes, and medical records.

And nursery reports? School reports?

Oh, they're not very useful.

-Maybe you can bring them next time.

-Yeah, course.

If there is a next time.

OK, erm, well, why don't we start by you telling me about Joe?

Well, we did that last time with Dr Eshell.

It's good for me to hear it first-hand.

Well, like...like what?

Whatever you like.

Well, he's...he's charming and he's funny and he's...

Oh, he's a musical genius - he knows full songs by heart.

Erm,

he's smarter than kids his age, so he doesn't...

they don't really interest him very much.

Erm,

he's got that thing about going last through a door

but then, my friend's boy only eats Cheerios

so that's not really a big deal or anything.

And are those the difficulties that brought you here?

Well, Dr Eshell said that we should come back so we came back.

Well, if you hadn't thought there was still a problem,

you wouldn't have brought him back, would you? So?

Well, we took him to see a speech therapist when he was two and a half,

erm, because he just... he didn't really speak.

And, erm, she said that it would right itself and it did

and since then, he never shuts up, does he? So, that's it, really.

Is there anything else?

Yeah, he doesn't talk to other kids very much.

I think he just... I think he just prefers adults.

He's, you know, erm...

But he has just started school - reception.

Erm, it's just part-time but if he's going to mix with new kids

and, you know...

OK.

Well...

Joe?

Do you want to have a little play?

Joe?

Listen,

I want you to play with Dr Waite for five minutes

and then you can have your music back. OK?

Come on, good lad. There we go.

Do you want to help me with this, Joe?

He doesn't really like jigsaws. He just finds them too easy.

Joe, look.

Hey, look who this is. Here, look.

It's Tigger, isn't it?

Hey, shall we show Dr Waite where Tigger goes?

Just above Winnie the Pooh. Just there.

Hey?

The wonderful thing about Tiggers...

Are Tiggers are wonderful things.

Their tops are made out of rubber,

their bottoms are made of springs.

They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy...

-BOTH:

-Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!

But the wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one.

# I'm the only one. #

Where does it go?

Hey, does it go there? Like that? Hey?

If Dad keeps helping you, Dad might have to wait outside.

He really doesn't like jigsaws.

Oh, it's OK.

Children often react like that in the room.

Now then, Joe...

Can you take a look at this picture for me?

Can you tell me, what do you see?

Hmm, let me see.

That's right. What do you see?

Hmm...

-A door.

-That's right.

A door to the cottage.

Anything else?

Hmm...

Another door.

That's right - another door.

To the lighthouse this time.

Now, can you see anything else,

Joe, on the picture?

Maybe not a door this time?

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You're a sad, strange little man.

Toy Story.

I know.

Joe...

Joe, you love the seaside, don't you? Hey, look.

Do you remember St Ives?

With the seagull?

A seagull ate Mum's pasty.

That's right, he did. He really did.

The lazy little bugger.

I've never seen him so co-operative.

Wait till I get him home!

She loved him.

Yeah, course she did. Why wouldn't she?

I tell you what...

..let's go away this weekend, just me and you.

Book a nice hotel.

That'd be romantic.

We could have our fill from the award-winning carvery and then...

..I could take you from behind over the Corby Trouser Press.

Little bit less romantic that time.

-It's such a fine balance.

-Yes, tiny.

Alison, Paul, come through.

PHONE BEEPS

You're not going to give us jigsaws, are you?

-He's a lovely boy.

-Yeah.

He's polite,

he's affectionate, he makes eye contact and he loves his music.

Thank you for being so patient with him...

-PHONE BEEPS AGAIN

-..and with me.

Especially me.

I know sometimes I can be bit of a prick, you know...

Look, I'm going to write my own report

but I can talk you through the test results now.

I don't believe in keeping people waiting.

You were right to bring him to Dr Eshell

and she was right to refer him to me.

He does have significant problems.

What kind of problems?

Communication.

Auditory processing.

Emotional responses.

Self-soothing behaviours.

If you look at the tests,

in many areas, he is way above average.

Sorry, I know you're the expert...

..but is that really so different from any other kid?

No, because he's five years old.

But he will be.

Did Dr Eshell mention the autism spectrum at all?

No, why would she?

I don't know very much about autism

but from what I do know, there's no way he's got...

He has problems processing emotions.

He has problems with his auditory processing.

Yeah, you keep saying that. I don't know what it means.

I'm sorry.

It means there's nothing wrong with his hearing

but he has trouble making sense of what he hears

and prioritising them.

Like I'm prioritising this conversation

over the sound of my e-mail alerts.

That's not him. That...

Sorry, but he talks, he sings.

He has a wide vocabulary

and he uses that to keep everyone at a social distance.

His singing is another way to keep everyone out.

To protect him from what he finds difficult.

Communication,

emotions.

Well, that just sounds like every man I know.

Right.

But Joe has these problems to the extent

that it limits his capacity to learn and change.

So, are you saying he's autistic?

I do believe he's on the autism spectrum, yes.

But he's not autistic?

That's not how I describe anyone with autism.

So, you think he has autism?

Yes.

But the first thing you have to understand is that autism

isn't a single condition

and it's not a disease.

It's a set of behaviours that cause difficulty in social communication.

OK, well, here you are, saying that autism's hard to pin down

so how can you even say that it's autism for sure?

I'm afraid it isn't going to go away if we call it something different.

Doesn't make sense, look.

He scored high for expressive language.

Third percentile.

Third percentile means third bottom.

Not third top.

It means that 97% of children his age are better at this than him.

Well, that's Eton down the drain.

That day on the beach, he was two.

Do you remember, he was turning circles in the sunshine?

You looked at him and you said...

You said to me you thought there might be something wrong.

And then we got his hearing checked and we spoke to the nursery.

Yeah, but deep down, what did you think?

What were you afraid it might be?

Was it this?

It might've been, yeah.

Why the hell didn't you say so?

Because he was a little boy

and I didn't want to pin a badge that big on him.

Let's go. Come on.

Oh, perfect.

You've got hill-soft in London.

That's your problem.

Aye, well, that's London for you.

The gift that keeps on giving.

You need to put it behind you.

Both of you.

She's a doctor, she worked late hours,

she's got involved with a colleague. It happens.

Do you know what, Dad?

You might be surprised to learn that owning a box set

of Grey's Anatomy does not qualify you as a relationship counsellor.

Have you heard from Paul or Alison?

Joe had his follow-up at the hospital today.

I think you might want to stay out of their business.

Don't be ridiculous, he's my grandson.

It's my business, too.

It must be great being so certain about everything.

Are you saying the boy's normal?

Are you saying there's nothing wrong with him?

Come on!

HE PANTS

Hi, could you tell Dr Graves I'm here? He's expecting me.

Dr Daniels.

Eddie's wife. Right. You actually came, then.

Good for you.

How is Eddie?

He's fine, thank you.

I'm confused - the job is for a practice nurse.

I was a nurse specialist before I did my medical degree, so...

I thought...

You'd downsize?

You need to be going for a GP trainee post, don't you?

But this is just for maternity cover, right?

I need a job.

I don't think it's going to work.

What, because I'm overqualified?

Because you're not the right kind of nurse for us.

It's just a personality thing. I'm sorry.

What sort of personality thing?

You're kind of proving my point.

-MUSIC ON RADIO: What Do I Get? by Buzzcocks

-Hey, Joe?

-RADIO PRESENTER:

-'40 years of the Buzzcocks and this never gets old.'

# I just want a lover like any other

# What do I get? #

SHE TURNS THE RADIO OFF

That's the first thing that's got to change -

him listening to your music all the time.

Right, yeah, of course.

It's all Buzzcocks' fault, isn't it?

Yep, my dad used to think that too.

He isn't you.

-I get that.

-Yeah, so maybe if he didn't listen to your music

all the time, he wouldn't be like he is.

"Like he is"?

It's one lousy football party.

It's not just one. He never gets invited. We invite every kid.

We throw everything in there - party bags, entertainers,

three-tier birthday cakes, karaoke, games, prizes -

and he doesn't even get invited back by the kid with the inhaler!

You said it.

I was joking.

He's five years old and it's happening already.

And do you know what, since he started school,

the other mums don't even try and hide it.

Well, it's their loss, isn't it?

That may be so, Paul, but it's his loss, too.

Where are you going?

To get a picnic of our own.

You never said it were here.

I didn't know. I assumed they were down at the sports centre.

-Come on.

-CHILDREN SHOUT

Hey, hey, where you going?

I thought we were having a picnic.

I don't want a picnic.

Course you do.

It's all your favourite foods, but with rain, wasps and dog poo.

What could be nicer? Come on.

Right, come on, then.

Shall we go for an ice cream after this, eh?

Can't we just go home?

Look, we can do football, can't we?

Come on, Joe, let's do football. Come on.

That's it!

There we go. Now you stand here.

You ready?

Kick it.

No, no, no, no. Don't pick it up.

Kick it, OK? Just kick it.

There we go. That's it, go on.

# Angels watching over me with smiles upon their face

# Cos I have made it through this far in an unforgiving place. #

Hey! Now put it on the floor and you kick it.

Just like what the boys are doing over there.

OK? That's it, go on, off you go.

That's it! Good lad and again.

Go on, go on and again.

No, you put the ball on the floor.

Just leave it, Paul. Leave him.

Hey, hey, hey, Joe, come here.

Joe!

Well, you go, I'm not going.

Joe!

Come here.

Joe, come here. Joe.

Hi, Paul. Does Joe want to join in?

He's welcome.

Er, do you want to play, Joe?

Do you want to... Do you want to play?

Yeah? Do you want to play? Yeah, OK, then.

Oh, here it comes. There you go, go on! Far post, Joe!

Go on! Far post!

Oh, hey, that's it.

Oh, God, you never lose it, do you?

That's it, Joe, go on!

Hey, Joe?

Joe.

Joe!

Hey, hey, Joe, come here.

Joe! Get...

-Joe!

-Can we have the ball back, Joe's Dad?

-Joe, just...

What?

Here, take it.

Joe, look, I'm not going to make you play football, OK?

Just...

Look, Joe...

Now, come on, Joe.

Joe, come down, please.

Least you've got Rebecca, hey?

-That's something.

-Meaning what?

Meaning she's grown-up so you don't have to worry about her.

Are you going to jump down my throat every time I talk to you?

Dad, can you just try and be a bit more tactful?

-That's all.

-Of course.

So...

-is there a cure?

-A cure? It's not a disease.

All right. I didn't mean cure. I'm not up with the jargon.

-I'm still getting used to not saying spastic and mongol.

-Oh, my God.

And coloured's still hanging in there, hey, Dad?

We don't even know if it's the right diagnosis.

Exactly. You might want to take a second opinion.

You know, he talks, he laughs, he looks you in the eye,

he smiles, how's he autistic? I don't understand.

Right, no-one uses that word,

not in this house and not outside this house.

What if we want to explain?

If we label him now, it's over.

I am not having the rest of the town judging him at five years old and that's it.

That's right, because the rest of the town hasn't realised

that there might be something different.

That's why he gets so many party invitations.

I don't know anything about this but don't we need to be honest?

Isn't that the starting point?

You're right, you don't know anything about it.

Eddie, ketchup.

So, do I get a job in your gastro-pub?

Short order cook?

"At least you have Rebecca." What was that supposed to mean?

I've explained.

She's my daughter, I love her,

but I didn't bring her into this world,

biologically, and Joe is all mine.

-So?

-So you blame me, don't you, for your less-than-perfect grandson?

For what? Blame you for what?

Hey, can we eat? He's delirious.

I need a name. I need someone who can give us a second opinion. Heavyweight.

Erm, really? I'm not sure who I can ask.

What about the person that recommended Dr Eshell

-in the first place? Dad said you called someone.

-I'm sorry,

-I can't do that.

-Can't do it? Why not? Who is it? Wizard of Oz?

-Maurice, I know what you're thinking.

-Take it on the road

with your mind-reading act. I've no idea what you're talking about.

What's the problem? If your contact is recommending people,

-then obviously they know what they're talking about.

-I can't...

-do it because it's Michael.

-Michael?

The Michael who I had an affair with.

He's a paediatrician and he specialises in that area.

Right.

Well...

Er...

No, sorry, what's the problem?

I can't keep in touch with him. It'd kill Eddie.

It's Joe's future, here.

No, I'm sorry, I can't do it.

Wouldn't be fair on Eddie. What wouldn't be fair on Eddie?

What wouldn't be fair?

# World, shut your mouth Shut your mouth

# Put your head back in the clouds and shut your mouth

# World, shut your mouth Shut your mouth

# Put your head back in the clouds and shut your mouth. #

Home schooling? I'm not meaning to be offensive but if Joe's

damaged stock already, won't that make him even more of an oddball?

That's you not meaning to be offensive?

What kind of role models are in this school? He'll come out

more autistic than when he went in.

I thought we weren't using that word.

It is ridiculous that you're avoiding me like some teenage boy

who's been dumped at a disco.

-I will move on.

-Oh, there's a list?

-You're very direct.

-And you're very fierce.

It doesn't matter to you if it's the right decision,

as long as it's your decision.

He's Joe,

he's always been Joe. Why wouldn't we want him to be Joe?

# World, shut your mouth Shut your mouth

# Put your head back in the clouds and shut your mouth

# World, shut your mouth Shut your mouth

# Put your head back in the clouds and shut your mouth. #