Episode 3 The Politician's Husband

This programme contains some strong language.

-You hurt me.

-We all do things we're not proud of.

-No more waiting in the wings.

-Can I get copied in to Freya's diary?

-My diary is confidential, Lian.

I naively assumed we'd be sharing the office, not that I'd be in the shed.

This Twitter thing. It's, it's not Aiden's handiwork, is it?

He'd never stoop that low.

Has he joined in at all?

He's very withdrawn of late.

Dita! I'm flattered, but it's not happening, OK?

-About to do a piece on your better half. Quite a show she put on back there.

-I saw them together.

-Thick as bloody thieves.

-It's that look you get whenever I mention his name.

I wish to God I knew where your damn head was these days.

I'm through it now, Freya. The feud with Bruce. All of it. I'm done with it.

SIGHING AND GROANING

Golly. Twice last night and again this morning.

I hope that's not a guilty conscience?

When a man has a sudden libido surge,

don't they say it's to prevent his wife from twigging his infidelity?

Do you mind if I jump in first?

Go for it.

SHOWER WATER RUNS

Thanks for coming. PHONE RINGS

-Hi.

-Ruby hasn't been picked up from school.

Well, Dita never showed to collect her!

Dita?

Can I watch some TV?

Yeah, ten minutes and then tea.

Dita!

Dita! Me again. Same message.

Just call, OK? You owe us that much.

Noah, tea's up.

PHONE RINGS

Eat, both of you.

Hello?

She's our au pair, yes... Or was.

Sorry, who is this?

It's gone over the line!

-Hold on!

-It's over the line!!

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, look!

Right. Fine.

All right? OK.

Say that again.

When did you send it?

COMPUTER BEEPS

Yeah, OK, I have it.

Just give me a...

Yeah, OK.

OK, well, thanks, anyway. Bye. Bye.

An injunction's useless. They'll just put the story on Facebook

Or Twitter. We're still screwed.

It's the old tabloid trick, isn't it? Tempt her with a wad of dosh to dish the dirt.

Mummy! Dita's run away! She's taken all her stuff!

All right, sweetie. What are you watching? Come on, let's...

Sit down. I'll come and see you in a few minutes, all right?

TELEVISION: 'Now you are an inventor...'

When the cupboard's bare they conjure up this risible shite.

The sun, it seems, still rises.

Oh, don't say it. Tell...tell me you're not actually buying it?

I never touched her!

Freya! I never looked at her. I never came on to her.

Not in thought, not in deed!

Good God, you really think I would shit on my own doorstep like that?

-But you would elsewhere?

-Oh...

Then why would she claim such a thing, Aiden?

Why would she do that to you? To us?

The other day, I was in the bath.

She walks in.

Trust me, it was an offer I had no trouble refusing.

This is payback.

And telling me about it just slipped your mind?

I was afraid you'd fire her, we'd be up shit creek!

I thought I'd put her straight. I'd dealt with it.

That went well.

The only thing you can lay at my door is naivety, Freya!

I underestimated what a... vindictive, mendacious cow she is!

Dear God! That you can even begin to think that I could be capable...

What sort of marriage is this? What are we doing?

-Don't say that.

-Why, does not saying it make it less true?

These last few weeks, it's as if...

we're flying blind.

We keep losing sight of each other.

I know you feel it, too. I know it.

We're still good, aren't we, Aiden?

Of course we're good.

Don't even go there.

'Next, the Guardian - "Golden couple tarnished by affair with nanny".

'The Times gets in on the act - "Au Pair quits job over Hoynes' alleged sex antics".

'The Sun - "Hoynes is a sex pest says nanny".

'The Daily Express - "Nanny alleges Aiden Hoynes is sex addict".

'And the Star goes in hard - "Did Hoynes get it on with nanny?"'

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

'Did the Prime Minister's moratorium on immigration...'

It'll be fine.

I know you've come a long way.

Let's make this brief, so you can decamp,

we can all get on with our day.

Let me say this.

The accusations that Dita Kowalski has made

against my husband are without foundation.

18 months ago we welcomed her into our home as our nanny.

-Has she gone back to Poland?

-We welcomed her into our home

and yet in all that time she has never once raised the issue of

my husband's alleged inappropriate behaviour, not with me,

not with the agency who recruited her, or with any of her friends.

'Dita's actions are a gross violation

'of the trust we showed her. I am sure

'SHE will come to deeply regret the injustice she has done to us

'and in that sense...

'she is as much of a victim of her actions as we are.'

'Aiden Hoynes and Freya Gardner...'

Kiss at the garden gate routine, always a winner.

Might take more than a kiss to win her over.

Morning, everyone.

My office. Two minutes, carers' allowance briefing.

Aiden! Thanks for this.

I thought it less formal if we met here.

If less private. I hope it goes without saying, Marcus,

these absurd allegations have absolutely no basis.

Good God, yes. Totally.

My lawyer is demanding a full retraction or we'll slap a libel suit on her.

He's confident we'll get a result.

Excellent. Job done, then.

Extraordinary thing for her to assert, though. Out of the blue.

It seems she had something of a crush on me.

Lordy!

You were wise not to share that with our feral friends in the press.

Less meat on the bone, the less they have to chew on.

A statement of support from the PM would square the circle, Marcus.

Or am I still on the naughty step?

For Freya's sake, not mine. She's barely got her feet under the cabinet table, has she?

That's a brutal baptism for anyone.

We've the Party Funding debate coming up.

If I told him you were prepared to champion his position on it,

coming from you, his staunchest critic,

it could turn the tide for him.

I can guarantee in advance he'd be more than appreciative of such a gesture.

Don't worry about Freya. She's tougher than you think.

Everyone knows your marriage is bullet-proof.

Marcus?

You and Bruce, I know you're close.

I know how loyal you've been to him over the years.

I respect that, I do. God knows...

God knows we could do with a bit more of that in this place.

But...he and I were that way once too.

Best friends from university, best man at each other's weddings,

godfather to my children. You don't get closer than that.

I still got royally shafted, didn't I?

In the end...

we're all sacrificed on the altar of his ambition.

We're all expendable.

No-one is exempt.

It was in the music class, apparently.

Er, a boy had a tambourine, Noah decided he wanted it

and when the boy refused, Noah went ballistic -

biting, hitting, lashing out at him.

It took two of them to drag him off.

They think it was triggered by what's been happening at home.

The business with Dita.

I hope you told them not to believe everything they read in the papers.

Come on!

God knows what the future holds for him.

What happens when he's a six-foot hormonal teenager,

he kicks off like he did with that kid today?

Well, by then he'll be more mature, won't he? Easier to reach.

En route home from his school we often pass a bunch of boys in the park, kicking a ball around.

When I look at them...

Put it this way, I'm not proud of how it makes me feel.

I just thank God he doesn't feel it too.

Envy.

Anger.

How do you know he doesn't feel it?

When's Freya back?

Late. She has some constituents visiting the House.

Would it help if I stay over weeknights, give you a hand

until you're sorted on the childcare?

Yeah.

OK.

DOOR ENTRY BUZZER SOUNDS

-Hi.

-Hi.

I've barely an hour. I've got some councillors from the constituency in for a tour of the House.

Er, you wanted to go through our growth strategy proposal again?

Um, you were right,

the tax incentive figures don't stack up. Well spotted.

Is it just us?

I thought your team would be here.

I'll debrief them later.

I chased our working paper on the pension pilot scheme...

This tour for your constituents - can't someone stand in for you?

I wish.

Sarah. Where are you meeting them?

St Stephen's Gate.

Freya Gardner has some constituents due in for a tour of the House in an hour? She's been held up.

Do the honours for her? Keep them sweet?

You are a treasure.

FREYA LAUGHS

You really are a piece of work.

I try, God knows.

Mm. We made progress tonight, don't you think?

It was a ruse, to get you here.

I thought you could use a friend, given the day you've had.

All those prurient eyes on you.

"Did he or didn't he?" "Isn't he getting enough at home?"

And this was your idea for cheering me up?

If for a moment I doubted Aiden,

today would have been the purgatory you say it was. But...

..since I don't, it wasn't.

I've often wondered how it must feel.

To have someone always onside. Always...thinking the best of you.

Unconditionally.

It has to be earned, Bruce.

You'd never know it to look at it, would you?

All that Gothic elegance hides such rancid base instincts.

I include my own in that, needless to say.

PHONE RINGS

-Evening, sir.

-'Kenny.'

Any idea when I might expect my wife home?

Can't help, I'm afraid.

She let me go for the night. I dropped her at Mr Babbish's apartment.

You could try her there.

OK, I'll do that. Thanks, bye.

'He's only human, isn't he?'

Knocking around that house every day, alone with your nanny.

What is it they say?

The best way to rid yourself of temptation is to yield to it?

I really don't need this, Bruce.

Say I'm right, hypothetically.

Your reputation will be on the line right along with his, Freya.

Standing by your man is all very commendable if you're Mrs Joe Bloggs from Woking.

Different rules apply if the wife is a cabinet minister.

Uber-loyalty can be seen as a lack of judgement, of weakness.

Worse, as moral turpitude.

Why are you saying this? Why are you doing all this?

You know why.

Been a long time coming, Freya.

What do you want from me, Bruce?

A quick fling? Or something more?

What do you think?

And what if it got out?

You're right, different rules apply.

Two cabinet ministers getting it on?

One a wife and mother and the other an old family friend?

We'd both crash and burn.

I'll risk it if you will.

You'd really do that for me?

In a heartbeat.

I'm sorry, but...

do I really look like someone

who's just acquired an IQ in single figures?

Nice try, Lothario.

CAR DRIVES AWAY

I hope this isn't a guilty conscience?

Diaphragm?

I binned it. I'm on the pill now.

I'll double them up for a couple of weeks to be sure.

Don't we usually talk about stuff like that?

What, as in asking permission?

We need to be failsafe now, so I sorted it.

Don't make something out of nothing.

How was it with your constituents?

Tedious. I thought they'd never leave.

Daddy! Daddy, I've got a tummy ache!

Wait and see if she settles.

Daddy, my tummy hurts!

Daddy!

Have you remembered that I'm in Leeds overnight?

Launching the new apprenticeship scheme.

You OK to do the school run?

Mmm. Dad and I have got it covered.

The debate on the Party Funding Bill's tomorrow.

You be back for it?

I'm throwing my hat in the ring.

I'll make damn sure I'm back for it.

If you want to run anything by me, we can talk on the phone tonight?

No, I'm on top of it.

Freya?

Don't want any slip-ups, do we?

Starting to think it was a no-show.

Curiosity won the day. A failing of mine.

Among others.

I assume it's still a favourite?

Best to keep a clear head.

I'm not eating.

Squid risotto.

Now the niceties are over.

This enmity between us, Bruce.

I want to put an end to it.

I'm not asking for myself.

But for Freya.

Your two departments have allied responsibilities - if she's to work effectively with you,

she has to be...

unencumbered by what happened between us.

So the way I see it, it's up to me...

to find a way out of our impasse.

To convince her that I'm ready to put the past to rest, I've moved on.

But...

it has to be more than empty words.

I have to prove it to her.

An idea I came up while I was still running Business And Skills.

Before I got sidetracked by the damn leadership thing.

What are the two biggest problems facing our society today?

The ticking time bomb of caring for the elderly

and the burden on the state supporting a 100,000 immigrants who can't work

while their applications to stay are processed.

So why not use one problem to solve the other?

Many of those immigrants are educated, intelligent people

with a cultural ethos of respecting the elderly.

So, we put them to work...

looking after our own elderly in their own homes.

In return, they get bonus points on their applications to remain here.

We save millions on their benefits.

And billions on caring for the elderly in care homes.

How do you propose to fund such a scheme?

Outsource it to the private sector.

Everyone else is at it, why not this?

Your Daily Mail reader's banging on about the elderly.

Guardian reader's banging on about the plight of immigrants.

Right and left are assuaged in one blow.

It's a win-win deal.

Not to mention a vote-winning one.

Did you float it with any outsource companies?

Mmmm. A new start-up one, Charlesburg Investments, I rather fancied.

They have capital and they're hungry for a major Government contract.

They'll do whatever it takes to win it.

Is that it? Only I have a two o'clock.

No matter what our history, Bruce,

I know that your respect and affection for Freya

means you'll do the right thing by her.

God knows she deserves it.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Excuse me a second.

We have a green light. Go for it.

Again, come on! That's it.

Right, this is going to be good.

Again, again to me!

Oh. Hi, Dad!

-Come on!

-Oh, well done.

-And he scores!

-Yes!

If you can't beat 'em...

Come on!

Kick it to Ruby, go on!

That's it, back up, take a run at it.

Go on, Noah! Do what Daddy says.

That's it! Good boy.

Come on.

Come on, Noah, kick it!

It's OK.

-Come on, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me...

-Ready, ready! Go!

-Go on, hit it!

-Oh, Dad!

-Grandpa!

-Oh!

-Grandpa?

I had you fooled, and you thought... But I wasn't, I was just pretending!

I was only pretending!

SHE LAUGHS

It's all right, it's a joke, he's fine!

He was pretending, to make us laugh.

OK?

Come on. Come on, Noah!

Dynamite stuff, eh?

A new spin on blue-sky thinking, I'll say that.

You certainly kept a lid on it.

I needed time to road-test it before going public.

And this outsource company?

New outfit. About to check them out.

The water is already lapping round the PM's ankles, Marcus.

His personal rating's flatlining.

One last push and the party will make him walk the plank.

You'll have to take the Home office with you, and Health and DWP.

Well, that's the beauty of it.

Everyone's going on about how the government is too departmentalized,

stuck in their own silos.

This is a narrative for a whole Government.

It's the ultimate holistic test of joined-up policy.

What better entry card to Number 10 than a bold, innovative idea

like this one to remind them what courageous leadership is all about?

Are you not coming to the funding debate?

No time for that crap today. Too much on.

CHEERING

Order! Order! Mr Aiden Hoynes.

Mr Speaker,

party funding is not just a financial issue,

but a moral one.

MURMURING

Given the recent allegations against me,

some might think my contribution to this debate...

self-serving.

MURMURING

In fact, my Right Honourable friend the Prime Minister was counting on that

when he asked for my support.

I'm afraid I couldn't oblige him.

I'm not prepared to sacrifice my principles for self-preservation.

Why should you?

But it prompted me to wonder -

how many of us in this house have prostituted our principles

for power and self-interest?

LOUD CLAMOURING

How many times have we flouted and ignored

our own ministerial code on ethical standards when it suits us?

I mean, where to start, Mr Speaker?

Cash for honours.

Cash for questions.

Cash for influence.

Dodgy dossiers. Dodgy finances.

Toxic pacts with the press and the big daddy of them all -

the expenses scandal.

-MPS:

-Yes! Hear, hear!

Those are just the headliners.

Is it any wonder the public is not just disengaged by politicians,

but DISGUSTED by us?

Contemptuous of us?

They see laws passed by MPs without proper scrutiny,

whipped into submission to toe the party line.

They see a political system relying on commercial

and partisan interests for its funding.

A system corrupted by lobbying and cronyism,

which has tainted the integrity of all of us in this chamber.

If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas, Mr Speaker,

and we are infested with them!

THE HOUSE CLAMOURS

-Order!

-And what are fleas but parasites by another name?

Perhaps it's time to remind ourselves of the meaning

of the Greek word "ethics".

Bruce Babbish.

We cannot let the issue of reforming our party funding system

join the litany of our other broken promises.

We said we would get rid of Punch & Judy politics in parliament.

We haven't. We said we would rid parliament of sleaze. We didn't.

We said we would be open and transparent in our dealings.

We're not.

If the promises we make mean nothing,

if the rights of citizens

are trampled on by a government to suit its own ends,

and if those they've elected do not hold the government to account,

the people will do it themselves... LOUD CLAMOURING

..if not by taking to the streets, by shunning the ballot box.

It isn't just us who will pay the price for that...

..but democracy itself.

Hear! Hear! Hear!

I have to say, I'm beginning to feel redundant.

You patently don't need me to write your speeches any more.

TEXT ALERT

That's another fan?

Mmmm, Sean Bartlett, no less.

Blimey, he doesn't dish out praise lightly.

That's most of the Front Bench you've corralled now.

Not to mention the home front.

So absurdly proud...

Ditto.

'Aiden Hoynes has garnered praise from an increasing number

'of prominent and back bench cross-party MPs after

'his dramatic speech during the Party Funding debate in the Commons today.

'The speech not only resonated strongly with MPs,

'but has prompted many political commentators to wonder

'if this provocative tirade against what Hoynes described as

'"the litany of broken promises" could be the beginning...'

PHONE RINGS

'..of an historic movement to renew confidence in the parliamentary system.'

Hello?

I hope you're sitting comfortably.

PHONE RINGS

-'Can you talk?'

-Go for it.

They're running it tomorrow,

to ride on the back of your speech in the House.

The footage is on their website now.

'I need to bring other departments along with me on it.

'Not least Freya Gardner at Work And Pensions - we're nowhere without her.

'And as a new start-up company, I'd be taking quite a risk on you.'

'The bigger the risk, the bigger the pay-off, as they say.'

'I assume we're talking about the same thing?'

'We're not talking about bank rolling the decor

'in your private office, Minister.'

'We'd be looking at showing our appreciation in a more tangible way.'

'I sense this is the start of a most fruitful relationship.'

The utter mind-blowing avarice of it!

It's his fatal flaw. Always was.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'Resignation today of the Business Secretary, Bruce Babbish.

'After being secretly filmed by two undercover reporters posing...'

-PHONE RINGS

-'..as outsource company executives where he allegedly accepted

'a bribe in return for granting them a major government contract.

'In other news, the national...'

PHONE RINGS

PRESS AND MEDIA CLAMOUR

'Let me say this.

'I had no knowledge whatsoever of any Government contract

'involving immigrants looking after the elderly.'

PHONE RINGS

'I was never approached by the Business Secretary at any time,

'either formally or informally.

'Had he made such an approach, I would never have countenanced

'supporting such a venture, much less have agreed to

'action it. That's it, thank you.'

Well, just to change the whole system...

Well, how very cosy.

Post mortem, is it?

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him?

I mean, full bloody marks for ingenuity, mate.

It was up there in the stratosphere. What was it again?

"Political fortunes are made on bold ideas?"

Oh, and just so you know - clean sweep.

Next stop, criminal charges and deselection! Bonus, eh?

This is unwise, Bruce.

There she is! Come join us!

The Golden Couple, ladies and gents!

-Bruce, that's enough!

-So tell me. Was it his idea, or yours?

His Damascus conversion?

The...the...the "big idea" he spun me?

All that pillow talk planning it, perfecting it to reel me in.

-God, what a turn-on that must have been, eh?

-OK, I said, enough now.

-I'll just bet it made you wet, just thinking about it, eh?

-Hey, hey, hey, hey!

OK, OK!

Aargghh!

Get off!

Get him out!

-Get off me!

-Come on!

-As you were, show's over.

Well, over the years I've seen some pretty unseemly displays

in this place, but I have to say that takes pole position.

# Get out, quack, quack, get out Quack, quack, get out of town... #

'In your office.'

It wasn't enough he fucked me over,

I was supposed to stand by while he fucked my wife too?

I don't think so.

What was it? Proximity?

Lust?

A quick shag waiting for the division bell?

I thought as much.

I'm not going to dignify this with a response.

Do you remember how I used to joke what a crap liar you were? I stand corrected.

You have got it mastered on an industrial scale!

I mean, where to start? Well, what about the last one -

the other night with your constituents?

In his apartment the whole damn evening!

We were working!

So why did you lie?

To avoid this exact conversation that we are having now!

It was only ever in your head, Aiden.

All of it! Dress it up how you like.

I am not the reason that you did this, I am just the excuse.

Well, I'm sorry, turning the other cheek didn't do it for me, so...

So what was I, then? Collateral damage?

You could've taken me down with him!

Oh, God.

Oh, dear God.

That's it.

That's what you wanted, isn't it?

There's only ever been room for you at the top table.

Didn't I pay my dues all those years?

Supporting you, as your cheer leader.

What about the one time I counted on it, Freya?

When the world and his wife was watching in Westminster?

How hard would it have been? One little word?

"Do you support your husband?"

And so I had to be punished.

All your fine words yesterday in the House about ethics.

Oh, everyone says one thing in the House and does another,

that's the rules of engagement.

Well, that's your rules, not mine.

I just wanted things to go back to how they were.

When we were happy.

Is this it for us?

Is that what we're looking at here?

Love without respect.

Is that even possible?

You don't just...you don't just stop loving someone, Freya.

It doesn't work like that.

I can give it my best shot.

No good comes of listening at keyholes, as you used to say.

Yes.

He had to be stopped.

If anyone had told me you were capable of such duplicity,

I'd have told them they were a damn liar.

How was it up there on the moral high ground all those years

in the glass house of academia?

You've never had to get your hands dirty.

You have never had to sully yourself shovelling the shit on the front line.

You had me to do that for you!

I cannot, I WILL not, listen any more to your self-justifying crap!

How is it you have a son who's totally incapable of deception?

I have one...

for whom it's second bloody nature!

HE SIGHS

HE GASPS

Go and tell Daddy you're ready for school. He's in the shed.

Ah! Mummy!

Stay inside.

-Go inside.

-Dad!

-Go in sweetie!

-Dad? Dad?

Thanks for coming.

Good to see you, thank you.

Thanks for coming, Kenny, really great to see you.

Bye. Good to see you. Thank you.

I'll take the kids away somewhere at half term.

You can move out then.

CLAMOURING

'If a week is a long time in politics,

'six months is positively seismic.

'First, the resignation of former Prime Minister Duncan Craig...'

'After the Bruce Babbish sleaze scandal, then the surprise

'leadership victory which led to that convincing election victory...'

'Here they are, arriving together to take up the reins of power - one as

'Prime Minister, the other as Deputy Prime Minister and Home Secretary.'

'There have been rumours of a marital split,

'that it's now just a marriage of political convenience,

'but there's little sign of that today as they prove to the party

'and the country that they are indeed the Golden Couple of politics.'

Thank you.

Are you ready for us, Prime Minister?

Yes, thank you, Marcus.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

Good morning, everyone.

Let's begin, shall we?

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