Hector The Slap

This programme contains some strong language.

Mum, I can't find my shoes. Don't know where I left them before.

-Where's my iPod?

-Adam!

Melissa! Come on, guys.

Help me out today, please.

'On the day before his 40th birthday, Hector awoke with one thing in mind.

'Connie.'

For a moment, he luxuriated in the memory of her.

But then he made his resolve.

To sort things out.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

Hey, I'm up.

HE SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

-Hey, I was listening to that.

-No.

It's got to be Satchmo today.

SAXOPHONE MUSIC STARTS

-Slow.

-Very slow.

We've got people arriving in three hours.

Well, you can do a ring round. Tell 'em I got the flu.

Stay home, drink champagne, fuck.

I'm marinating meat, see.

I could do with some marinating.

Oh, if you're looking for your cigarettes... I've chucked them.

Say that again.

Er, you said you were giving up.

I am, tomorrow.

Oh, fine well they're right there in the bin.

(BOY) No, it's my game...

-(GIRL) Dad, dad.

-All right, you win.

I'm going in nicotine free.

If I don't come back you know who's to blame.

-You need to give me a turn.

-No.

Come on, come on we've talked about this.

You need to share with your sister.

She's a baby. She can't play properly.

-Can so.

-Adam, let her play, mate.

TYRES SCREECH

She called me a fat pig.

Where'd you get these bloody chips? Jesus, Adam.

What is wrong with you? It's breakfast time.

This is not breakfast food.

Mate, all I'm saying it's a beautiful day, go outside and get some fresh air, huh?

Whatever.

It's all yours, sweetheart.

But I wanted to play with Adam.

Well, you'll just have to play by yourself.

Why don't you just play alone for a little while

and I guarantee that if you just sit there doing nothing,

-minding your own business, Adam will be back wanting to join in. How about that?

-OK.

Hmm?

I don't know whether it's him or me.

Just get in the shower.

-So are you OK now?

-Yes.

PHONE RINGS, ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

'Hector?'

What's she saying?

Oh, Mum's just got meat she wants to bring.

-Our fridge is full of meat.

-I've already told her that.

Well, maybe I'll pick it up and tell her again.

MACHINE BLEEPS OFF

-Oh, I'll call her later.

-Yeah.

Hey, er have you got any Valium?

Er it's already 10:30 and I'd have to pick some up, I don't want to do it.

Well, I've still got to go to Harry's, get the barbie,

I could swing past your surgery on the way back.

I've...I've...

-I've got plenty of time.

-No, listen.

Is the idea of this party really so awful that you need to get bombed?

I just thought I ought to be prepared for when Mum starts breaking my balls.

-It's not balls she's going to break.

-So I'm taking care of you then, Aish.

-Yeah...

Look, it's on my way, I'll be in and out.

-You look like a bum.

-Yes, but a very handsome bum.

Mm? You sure?

-All right. But Rosie's getting here at 12, I want you here, too.

-Done.

Well, remember get some ice and ring your mum.

'Hector made a bargain with himself.

If the traffic lights stayed green

he'd forget his resolution for today, drive straight on through to Harry's

and put off talking to Connie until tomorrow.

Oh, shit.

TYRES SCREECH

Can I have one?

I didn't know you smoked.

Just sometimes.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING

This music's beautiful.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Well, here we are.

Aisha already paid you all right?

So you're babysitting next Wednesday, usual time?

'Hector considered what might happen

if he allowed things to go any further with Connie.

Public humiliation, divorce,

loneliness, despair, suicide.

Just got to pop through.

DOGS YAP

Erm, I'll call you back in five, OK?

DOGS YAP

What are you doing here?

Aisha asked me to drop by and pick up some Valium.

Oh, they're in the consult room.

-Oh, if Brendan's with someone I can...I can wait.

-Oh, no, I can get it. Yeah.

Is this enough?

Yeah, plenty, thanks.

Listen, Connie I was thinking...erm, you OK to leave the desk a minute?

Totally, I... I'd kill for a cigarette.

Better keep an eye out for Brendan because if he catches me smoking he'll go nuts.

Supposed to be giving up.

You should. I'm only going to smoke till I'm 21.

HE COUGHS

What?

Nothing.

What did you want to talk about?

We're having a party this arvo.

Maybe you should come.

Do you want me to come?

Why do you think I'm here?

PHONE RINGS

Such a prick.

Such a fucking prick.

Hogarth Road vet clinic - how can I help you?

Yeah.

Erm, er, do you mind holding? I better get back to it.

-Yeah. Listen - the party.

-Yeah, I finish like 1pm, I could be there like 1:30, so...

Hello, yeah.

You bastard. You bastard.

Come on, come in, it's hot.

No, I've got to move mate.

Why?

-We've got people coming.

-Oh, you're pussy whipped.

Mate, the barbie's going to take five minutes to load.

Hey!

Ah, mate, you're ripped.

Well, well,

public servant makes a quick decision. There's a first time for everything.

Fucker.

My cousin, 40 years old.

-Yeah.

-Unbelievable.

-Not 40 yet, mate.

-Yeah, well.

-Not 40 yet.

Yeah, well enjoy while you can, cuz. You know what, you only live once. Don't forget that.

Here he comes. Here he is. Come on,

show me what you got.

Nice bomb.

-Hey, Uncle Hector, happy birthday.

-Thanks, mate.

Look at you two, bobbing in there like a pair of pickles.

Here, babe.

-Oh, Sandi, I've got to move.

-Come on, it's your birthday, just a quick drink.

Hey, you're still 39, remember?

Happy birthday.

-That's dry.

-So he's watching TV - Pinocchio or something

and all of a sudden he's P-L-A-Y-I-N-G with it.

All kids do. You'd be worried if he didn't.

WOMEN LAUGH

But to Pinocchio?

Ah! Adam used to play with himself in front of Playschool.

Oh, you can't blame him, that Jemima's a sexy minx.

Hey, Gazza.

Hey, Hector the birthday boy.

-How's it going mate?

-Good.

-You know you don't look a day over 39 and a half, three quarters maybe.

-Yeah, you'll be there soon, mate.

-Mmmm. Happy birthday for tomorrow.

I was about to send out a search party.

Oh, barbie was buried under junk.

Had to empty half of Gary's garage to get it out.

-Mate, do you want a beer?

-Mm, thank you.

-Right I'm going to have a quick shower

and then I'll put the calamari on.

-Oh, I'll do it.

-No you've done enough, sweetheart.

Calamari is mine.

Might just give that a rest now, hey, mate?

KNOCKING

I bring the meat. Where's my boy, where's my Hector?

There's certainly a lot.

It's better too much, darling.

If there's any left you have for dinner tomorrow.

Dinner? Bloody hell we can open a deli.

I told you not to bring...

Koula, maybe I'm going to put some of this in the laundry for now.

No darling, laundry is too dirty. Plenty of room here, let me fix it.

-Mum let... let Aish... let Aish handle it, OK?

-No, no, no.

-That one's staying on there cause that's what this birthday needs.

-Dad...

Look at all this beautiful food.

Thank you.

I think you're going to make my son into a fatty, huh?

-If Mum couldn't manage it, I don't think Aisha has a chance.

-Hey, Lizzie. Are you good?

If this government cared more about social services

and started hiring again, I'd be better.

What's the point of complaining?

None at all, but don't let that stop you.

-Koula. Hi.

-Hi.

-How about I put some of this aside

and just leave the stuff that comes out after dinner?

Yes, Rosie, but first, let me take some of this cakes for the children.

No more for my kids, Mum. Please!

Oh, it weighs a ton!

Jesus, for the record, your laundry's cleaner than my kitchen!

-I thought you were going to call them.

-Shit, I forgot the ice.

Oh, I've been up since 6am, cooking, cleaning...

-OK, OK, but was I right, or was I right?

-You're definitely right.

-Later, OK.

-Are you two doing drugs?

Yeah. Baklava! Want some? Do you want to score?

Grow up!

Come on! Come on! Aaaagh!

Hey, I forgot, while I was at the clinic I invited Connie.

-Really? She won't know anyone.

-Well, Brendan's coming.

-Brendan?

Brendan's 20 years older than her. They work together, but what will they talk about?

I thought it was rude not to. She's been doing a great job baby-sitting.

Oh, you always have to be Mr Popular.

Hey, Adam, you want to lend a hand, help get this thing off here?

-Do I have to?

-No, you don't HAVE to.

I just thought you might want to help.

Oh, Jesus, Dad!

Er, is the last one, I forgot in the boot.

Hey, I help you.

HE LAUGHS

How you tie 'em on? Lucky the bloody thing didn't fall off by itself!

-Yeah, well, it didn't, did it?

-Right-o.

-Oompah.

-On three. OK.

-One, two, three.

-Hey, wait!

Let it go, we've got it!

Adam, move your fat arse and help your grandfather! Now!

-It's all right, son.

-Are you all right?

-It's all right.

It's my bad knee.

Well, if it's been such a problem,

why the hell are you shifting barbeques?

Hey, mate? You OK?

Listen I, er...I got a scare.

I thought Papa was going to really hurt himself.

But still, I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm sorry.

OK? Come here.

Hey, how about we get the barbie lit?

We haven't done one together for yonks.

-OK.

-Yeah? Come on.

Hector, your father's knees is swelling like a balloon.

Last month I made him an appointment to get it checked out.

-You think he turned up?

-Doctors can't do nothing.

If the leg is gone, you put the dog down, eh, Aishimo?

I think the dog's got a few years left in him yet.

Hector!

Your father and me, we've got you a present for your birthday.

-Do you want to do it now?

-Yes, it's a very special present.

There you are.

It's for the whole family.

We all go together to Greece.

Mum, you can't afford this.

-The whole family?

-Yes.

-So what am I?

-You go to Greece last year.

Hector, he hasn't been to Greece since his children were born.

We can't accept this.

It's for us too, so that we can spend the holiday all together,

with the grandchildren.

It's too much, but thank you.

It's incredibly generous. Thank you. And I'm just, er...

I'm wondering about Bali.

-What Bali?

-Oh, we already have a holiday booked.

We discussed it, Koula.

You said you'd take the kids while we were away.

Forget Bali. If you go to Bali,

they put a bomb on you. This is Greece.

-It's our anniversary.

-So what? You can have anniversary in Greece.

There's a way we can work this out. I mean, can't we do both?

-There's a week between.

-It's four days.

Mum, Dad, we are blown away, this is so generous

and the Bali thing, we'll sort it out, it won't be a problem.

Isn't that right, Aish?

Yeah, I'm...

I'm just going to check the oven.

Right. So... Greece, hey?

I reckon we better barbecue to celebrate.

Adam, you want to start scraping?

Ah, she'll be fine.

Mate, we need some paper towels.

I already said I'll sort it out.

Hey, Hector!

Oh, mate! Bloody good to see you.

-Happy birthday, mate.

-Oh, thanks, mate.

-Yassou, Manolis.

-Hello, Terry! How you going, eh?

Dad, his name's Bilal now.

No, it's cool, I answer to all sorts of things.

-And we got you a card, the kids made it themselves.

-Oh! Gee!

Oh, well, that certainly says it all.

Hey, Terry, you want a drink, eh?

-Light beer, like me.

-Light, heavy, I can't do it any more, Manolis.

Let me grab you a Coke, eh?

-Sorry about that.

-No, it's all right.

-I WAS always pissed.

-What are you going to do? We were young, right?

-I'm glad that's all over.

-Oh, mate, are you serious?

The bands, the chicks...

I just prefer what I've got now.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Now's good, too.

We can't do both trips.

-The leave entitlements won't cover it.

-I can take unpaid time.

I'm in private practice, it was hard to swing Bali.

Brendan'll cover if you ask him.

Brendan? He hasn't had a holiday in over a year

and now he's supposed to cover while I have two in a row?

Oh, we're getting old, Aish.

Maybe we'll look back and wish we'd made this a priority.

I can't remember the last time we had a holiday, just the two of us without the kids.

Don't you think that's a priority too?

-All right, I hear you.

-OK?

Don't look now, but I think we have a celebrity in the house!

CHILDREN SHOUT EXCITEDLY

-She brought him!

-Who?

Anouk's beau, the soap star.

I never believe you did the murder, never.

-Oh.

-I always know you innocent.

-Oh, thanks for the compliments, Mrs Sossidis.

-You better go.

Rhys, I don't usually watch soaps.

No offence, they're just not my style.

-But I really do love your work.

-Oh, thank you, thank you.

-Can I take your picture?

-Yeah, of course.

-It's a very good show.

-Very good issue, you know?

-Hey, Anouk! Hi, how are you? Good to see.

-Ah you must be Rhys, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I'm Hector.

-Oh, happy birthday, Hector.

-Thanks, mate.

-Happy birthday.

-Hey you look like a man who could use a drink.

-Yeah.

-Make that two.

Come inside I've got a couple with your names on 'em.

-Excuse me a minute.

-I'd love to talk later, Rhys,

about a drama group for the homeless I'm trying to organise.

Oh, OK.

I guess you must get that all the time?

-No.

-What he normally gets is teenage girls posting him their G-strings.

Koula looked like she was about to rip her knickers off and throw 'em at ya.

-Rosie!

-Don't worry, mate, I promise you that is not going to happen on my watch.

So it's great to finally meet you, Rhys.

-Oh, cheers.

-Cheers, cheers.

Great to meet you all, I've heard so much about you.

-We heard nothing about you.

-Oh, really?

Well, I didn't want to throw you to the Piranha Sisters over here.

-Good call.

-Oh, we're not that bad, are we?

-It's all right, I can swim.

You do look quite different in real life.

I wouldn't agonise for too long if I were you.

-To most people, all jazz sounds the same.

-Hey, it's my party.

I hear you're giving up smoking.

You ought to do the same

if you're going to keep up with wonder boy over there.

You better be nice or I might not give you your birthday present.

I'm always nice.

Remember Charlie?

If you want it.

What's going on?

-He bit me.

-He did it for no reason!

-Really? Let me see. Oh, I'm...

-I'm sure he didn't mean it, darling.

-He bit me on purpose.

-Look the teeth marks in my arm.

-How can you bite?

-What is going on here?

-He bit me...

-Quiet, quiet!

-Oh, sweetheart.

-Boobie, I want boobie.

-Oh, my sweetheart.

Boobie!

Adam, you show some respect to our guests or I'll swear I'll...

-be in your room.

-Why do I always get blamed?

-He didn't do anything.

-Hugo bit me.

-Why do you think, Adam?

-What's going on?

-Oh, the little brat bit Sava.

-Why?

-Fighting over the TV.

-Well, then, switch it off.

-Oh, Jesus, they'll go nuts.

-Oh, can you help me out just this once?

-What's that supposed to mean?

Boobie!

Adam, I'm not blaming you, mate,

but you're the oldest and Hugo's the youngest.

-I'm trusting you to look out for him, understood?

-Whatever.

KNOCKING

-Hello. You just leave the door unlocked like that?

-Ah.

-Ah Naots ou pousti, ah.

-Happy birthday, Grandpa. Eh.

-Hey.

-Say happy birthday.

-Rocco.

-Hey mate.

-Hi.

-How are you little buddy?

-All right?

-Yeah, good.

-Hello, how are you?

Who's this, who's this Popa boy oma gallah.

Come on. Rocco, I've got a new game controller.

Wow, look at that spread! Did Aish do that all by herself?

Mum did the salads, but other than that, yeah.

Yeah, of course, man there's a feast.

Caterers couldn't do better than that.

-Put this in the...inside?

-Yeah.

It's beautiful. She's a good woman. I'll go say hi.

-Oh.

-Sorry, it's just me.

-Been sweating like a pig.

I just wanted to say - what you've done out there, it's incredible.

Yeah, and if a starving football team shows up,

it might even get eaten.

-Did you talk to your parents.

-About what?

-Greece.

It doesn't have to be sorted out now, does it?

The longer you leave things, the harder it gets.

-So you've decided we're not going?

-It's our anniversary.

-They didn't know that.

-Your mother knew what she was hijacking.

-She doesn't forget an anniversary.

-Why are you riding me today, Aisha?

-Riding you?

-First I'm in the doghouse for running late,

-then you undercut me with the kids.

-Bullshit!

Now it's my parents in trouble, because they bought us a dream trip.

Dragging two kids around a country where I don't speak the language,

-visiting all of your 550 fucking cousins is not my dream!

-Fine, you win.

I never wanted a big party either, but you pushed that through too

just like you push everything.

Now you got your big party, can't you at least let me enjoy it?

Have a ball.

Fuck!

Aisha.

Oh, Hugo, no, those aren't for kids.

No, no, no, no, no...

HE CONTINUES SCREAMING

Aisha.

I'm so sorry for what I said about the party. I'm...

-Please, I'm ashamed of myself.

-Just forget it. We've got guests.

-I'm trying to apologise.

-I'm saying, just get on with it. OK?

Jesus.

'Hector fantasized about walking out

'and flying to Latin America without even leaving a note.

'Then he reconsidered. A note would be good,

'outlining what a controlling bitch she was,

'how patient he'd been, and how much he'd suffered.'

-'Hello, Hector?'

-Hi, how's it going?

-'Where are you?'

-Why, where are you?

'In the back yard, I've been looking everywhere for you.'

Ah I'm just inside, I'll, er, be out in a minute.

You look like you're going to smash someone.

You going to dance with me?

-Actually, mate, I might serve out some snacks.

-Ah, pussy.

Movin' up, Hector.

-Come on, get into it then, hey?

-I might sit this one out.

-Oh, weak.

Hector! Hector!

It's too loud, it's too loud.

You wanted something up-tempo.

Don't embarrass me.

Do my best.

-Hey.

-Hi.

Can you grab me one?

Thanks.

So, er...brought your boyfriend?

-Richie?

-Yeah.

-He's not my boyfriend.

-What is he then?

He's just someone I brought along so that I'd have someone to talk to.

You've got me to talk to.

Are you jealous?

What do you think?

MUSIC STOPS

Richie's waiting for his beer.

Heroin dealers made a demand, does that make it OK?

-It's just television, Gary.

-It's absolute bullshit. Look...

-Hey, Hector. You tell us, is Anouk wasting her time?

-Hey?

Anouk on that stupid soap opera? She's wasting her talent, right?

No, I... I think she's got a lot of talent, she could do a lot of different things.

-Actually, she's already started on a...on a novel.

-Shut up, Rhys.

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Wow.

Well, I don't read too many books but you know what? I like that show.

-What do you like about it?

-You know, sometimes,

you just want to veg out to something, you know?

-That's all you want sometimes.

-And you're very good in it, Rhys.

-How... How... How is he good in that?

-He is good in it. He is...

Last year in those scenes where you were accused of murder, I...

-I believed you were innocent.

-Yeah, same.

-Thank you.

You shot a man in Vermont, eh? Just to watch him die.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

-I don't get it.

-It's a line from a Johnny Cash song.

I still don't get it.

I'm acknowledging the tortured artist in our midst.

Gary's a tortured artist, too. Our most tortured.

-Well, I'm a labourer and you know that.

-Oh, that's just his day job.

Really he's a painter. A visual artiste.

Come on, guys, let's not argue, we all got to work.

I mean, you know, Rhys is an actor, Harry's a mechanic,

I push paper, what are you going to do?

What was that?

-Eh?

-What did you just say?

-I was just saying that some Malaka needs to make a speech.

-Hey.

-Hey, speech.

-Hey, everyone, it's speech time, come out.

Boys, come over here for a second.

Today, my cousin Hector turns 40.

-CHEERING

-Bravo!

That is the reason for this great spread that you see here today,

this beautiful food, the wonderful hospitality.

Thank you, Hector. And thank you, Aisha.

OK now, er, er, I'll try and keep it short,

I'm not very good at these things.

-Hector's the brains in this family.

-HECTOR BURPS

Oh, Hectora.

He's the charmer. He's the charmer round here.

This guy here, this Malaka, I've known him all my life.

He's more like a brother to me than a cousin. Right, he's a good man.

Right, and I'll tell you why he's a good man,

cos these two people right here, Thea Manoli and Thea Koula,

the love and the support that they've given Hector,

I think that's the reason why he's such a...

such a good husband and a good father.

-And of course because of Aisha as well, right?

-Yay!

-I know the wops can bust your balls, I know.

-Yep.

But I'm glad you hung in there because, I don't know, he's going a bit, er...

-He was going a bit weird before he met you.

-Blame university, mate.

-Oh, I do mate, don't you worry. But thank God he met Aisha, right?

-Yeah.

Thanks for straightening him out. Look at you two, re poustides?

Are they not the most gorgeous couple that you've seen or what?

-Hey?

-Yeah.

-Come on.

-CHEERING

Ah, I just want to propose a toast. Everyone lift your glasses, please.

Hector, long life, Miya, congratulations,

nata catra, thesis, I love you, brother.

-Happy birthday, Hector.

-ALL: Happy birthday.

Jump up!

-Speech, speech.

-Thank you, Harry.

-Erm, you're dead right, I... I do owe everything to Mum and Dad.

-Hugo. Darling.

-Hugo!

-You know, their support over the years.

-Don't pull those out of the garden.

-And of course, er... And, er...

you know Aisha and she's, er supported me...

-Don't pull the flowers up.

-Wouldn't be here...

-Don't do that.

-..today...

-Listen, listen. You know what you're doing.

-No, no!

-Destroying the garden bed, mate!

-But, er...

-No!

-Come here.

-No!

Like Harry said, I'm a lucky guy.

So I just want to thank everyone for coming and, er, please...

-Put me down!

-..eat, drink and enjoy yourselves.

-Cheers.

-Cheers, Hector.

-Happy birthday, Hector.

-I want boobie.

-Hold on, my sweet.

SHOUTING

-He smashed the controller!

-What, what now?

I let him join in just like you said and now he's broken it.

-He smashed it on purpose.

-All right, all right.

-He's young, guys.

He's impatient to play with you boys. It's all right, darling.

-What's going on, Rocco?

-He lost it because he wasn't winning.

-Rocco!

-It's so fucking unfair.

-Rocco, go in Adam's room now. Come on, out here.

Into his room.

Is he going to be punished? I would be if I did this.

-Sorry your controller got broken, but Hugo's not my son.

-But I am.

I wanted to play with it and they didn't let me play with it.

Five.

-I don't believe you.

-He blows my mind!

It's time these kids got some exercise.

Oh, initiative, that's good to see! About time.

Richie, right?

Could you organise cricket for these kids? They're climbing the walls.

-I'm not a cricket guy.

-It's all right.

As long as they're out of the house. I'll save that for you.

-Want to help?

-OK, guys. You are with Richie here.

He's going to teach you some mad cricket skills.

-I appreciate it. Have fun, guys.

-Yay.

-Play hard.

-Now who's... who's batting?

-Me, me.

All right, I'll bowl, I'll bowl.

-Do you want one?

-No, no - giving up, remember?

-Are you sure?

Yeah, you go ahead.

< All right.

OK, Hugo, remember if you hit the ball and someone catches it, you're out.

-Come on, Hugo, smash 'em.

-Let it get in the way.

Listen, I don't really want to put my kid through a private school, OK?

So you're saying that everyone has to be able to afford to be able to put 'em in good education...

and anyone who gets there just leaves the system...

If I'd known it was your birthday, I'd've got you a present.

But it's tomorrow, isn't it, so I can still get you something.

I want you, that's what I want.

-Yes, he's out!

-Yeah!

No. Yeah, he's out. LBW!

Oh, he doesn't know what that means.

I don't care! If he wants to play, he's got to follow the rules.

-No, it's not out.

-Give me the bat.

-No.

-Hugo!

Give him the bat, mate, you're out. I'll explain why later.

-Hugo, give me the bat.

-No.

-Hugo.

-Hugo, now! Hugo, give me the bat, please?

-Hugo, put the bat down.

-Hugo, give me the bat, please?

-No!

-Give me the bat. Put the bat down.

-No.

-You're out.

Get away, Rocco!

Hey, hey, that's enough. OK, no more!

Do you understand?

You animal. Fuckin' animal.

-Come here! Hey! Touch my kid!

-He deserves it.

-He hit him in the ear.

-He deserved it.

-You fucking bastard.

That's it. Let's all go inside.

Hey, you know what? I don't blame him though, I don't blame him. I blame his pisspot mum and dad.

-No. That is abuse. That is child abuse.

-Espito.

SHOUTING

-Speak in English, huh?

-Nothing, mate, OK? Just relax.

Well, say it in English!

I'm not scared of this faggot.

You fucking monster.

-I'm not leaving for him.

-Stop it.

-You are gone, mate, you are gone.

You are finished. All right? All right? That's it.

I want everyone's numbers, I...

I'm calling the cops, you're all witnesses. What?

-Listen! Let's take our children home.

-Does he hit you too?

Does that animal hit you too? Does he? Huh?

You pig!

Listen to me. I've got everyone's details.

Let's go inside, forget about this and go home.

Sandi's right, take the children home. Let's just get everyone inside.

Let's go and see Rosie.

-Let's go and see Hugo.

-Yeah.

-Let's go and find them.

CRYING

Rosie?

Anouk said she'll, er, drive you home whenever you're ready to go.

Good, I just want to get out of this house.

If there's anything I can do, anything at all, just let me know.

I can't believe he hit that child.

-What kind of an arsehole can do that?

-Connie.

-It's bad enough people hitting their own children.

-Connie, please...

This, er... this thing we've been doing, I'm really sorry

if I've been leading you on but we've got to stop now.

Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Of course I understand.

Look, I think you're very special, but I love Aisha.

Don't you know I do as well?

I hate what we're doing, it's disgusting.

OK.

So to protect Aisha it's best if we never say anything about this.

-OK?

-Don't worry.

This thing's so twisted, I wouldn't want anyone to know, ever.

I mean, we... nothing really happened between us.

So disgusting, and old and weird-looking.

I just don't know why you bothered inviting me.

PANTS

-You OK?

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah.

-Thank you for lunch.

-I think mine are asleep in the car anyway...

-Lucky you.

-Yeah.

Hector! I am really, really sorry.

-Christ, you scared the shit out of me.

-Sorry, it's...

This thing with Hugo. I didn't mean it.

-I don't know anything about cricket, I...

-Richie. Slow down.

-It wasn't your fault, mate.

-I just can't stop thinking.

-What if that boy's traumatised?

-Nothing's happened,

and it wouldn't be your fault even if it had.

-It's all good, honestly.

-Good.

Er, can I do something? I could help clean.

No, mate, go home, go out, whatever you were planning on doing.

Leave the cleaning up to us old farts.

Right.

Hey, Aish, thanks, you did good, hosing that one down.

-Oh, is that how you see it? A little squirt of water, spot fire, it's all OK?

-No.

I just meant that it got pretty heated out there, Jesus.

Your cousin hit a child in our house, of course it did.

OK, but there are two sides to it, Aish.

-If we're going to argue, I want the children in bed.

-I'm not.

-Can you put them to bed, please?

-It's nine o'clock.

-Can you do this one thing?

You all right?

Want to talk?

No, I'm good.

OK.

Well, I don't know if they're asleep, but, er, they're in bed.

I want you to know, I'm sick of everyone excusing that man.

Because he's your cousin he thinks he can get away with murder.

All right, I agree with you, Aisha.

Harry shouldn't have hit the boy.

You say anything to end a fight.

He was wrong. Pure and simple, and I shouldn't have defended him, OK?

I'm so sorry that your party got all fucked up.

I mean, you put so much work in, it wasn't...just wasn't fair.

-And I'll sort the Greece thing out tomorrow, I promise.

-Will you?

Yeah, maybe I'll talk to Brendan first about the dates

and see if we can arrange something.

Yeah. All right.

Want that Valium now?

No, I don't want the fucking Valium.

Ooh!

The kids won't be asleep yet.

-Oh, we'll be quiet.

-No, we won't!

SHE SQUEALS

Yeah, I understand, I just...

I thought that maybe you'd...

you'd want to sleep first and then clear your head.

Rosie, how do you think I feel, something like that happening to you in our house?

Yeah, yeah, you know I will. Do whatever you need.

'Hector was an atheist,

'but he thanked God anyway for all that had happened that afternoon.

'The slap had saved him from a disastrous mistake.

'A mistake which he would have forever regretted.'

It's my last one. Really.

Rosie's called the police. She says they're going to press charges.

Oh, shit.

It's after midnight.

Happy birthday!

Wow.

I want you to be kinder to Adam.

I won't be so hard on him.

I promise I'll change.

# Mmm, someday

# You'll be sorry... #

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