Ardingly 29 Bargain Hunt

Ardingly antiques fair is absolutely ginormous.

1,700 stalls and a lake

where everything is...

"Cheep, cheep!"

Let's go bargain hunting!

Ooh! Plenty of stuff. What's it all about then?

Well, each team has £300 in their pockets

and an hour to go and find three items to sell later at the auction.

The team wins that makes the most profit or the smallest loss.

And coming up today...

tough questions for our experts.

Have you got any more awful puns where that came from?

Plenty. I haven't even started yet.

Another lost cause.

Where are they?

But all's well that ends well.

Yes!

-Oh!

-Here it comes.

Now, let's go and meet today's teams.

Anybody seen my horse?

Now, Alison, how did you first meet and become friends?

Well, it was on my first day of my job

with a telecommunications company where it's good to talk

-and Barbara was my line manager.

-Brilliant. That's lovely, isn't it?

-And she was obviously nice to you because you bonded up.

-We did, yes.

-Indeed.

And what do you collect, Alison?

Well, I like paintings and I've got quite a few

and I seek high and low.

-It's a bit of a disease, isn't it?

-It is.

-You run out of wall space.

My friends, when I get a new painting, go, "You can't possibly find a space for it."

-Oh, yes, you can.

-Correct.

-Quite right. That is not a valid argument.

-Yes.

Now, Barbara, you're a lady of leisure now,

so what do you get up to in your spare time?

I'm a humanist celebrant. I conduct non-religious funerals and namings.

-Do you?

-Yes.

And are you quite busy doing that as a celebrant?

-Until the past couple of weeks, this year I've doing one a week.

-Really?

-I was getting a little alarmed about the death rate.

-Yes.

-Barbara, what do you like to collect?

-I have a large collection of owls -

not a real one but ceramics, glass, pictures.

What's it with you and owls, then?

I don't know. I first found, when I was on holiday in Italy,

a lovely little alabaster owl.

It was really a bit more than I could afford

but I decided I'd afford it afterwards

and that was really the beginning.

That's a very good principle for buying things on Bargain Hunt.

You're going to have a budget, though, of £300 and I hope you blow the lot.

Anyway, brilliant.

Now for the blues. Hi, girls, how are you?

Now, Pat, how did you two meet?

Well, our husbands were boyhood friends, really, from about 15, 16

and then we lost touch.

But about six or seven years ago, we met up again

and we've been firm friends ever since.

Well, that's very nice, isn't it? Now, you're a lady of leisure.

-What did you used to do?

-For about 30 years I worked in the court service

and for a large amount of that time I was a court clerk.

And have you got any stories about life in the courts?

I was in the court room one day and I was very busy.

I had a pile of indictments in front of me that I was sorting.

And the usher came in and said, "Pat, we've got a verdict.

"We need to bring the jury back, the judge is in a hurry,

"we need you take the verdict."

So I turned to the jury and I say, "Would the foreman please stand?"

"Mr Foreman, do you find the defendant, John Smith,

"guilty or not guilty of murder?"

Gasp!

He was up on a theft charge.

How very funny.

-Now, Cynthia, you're also retired.

-Yes.

-And what did you used to do?

-I worked with my husband.

We had our own company. Rather boringly, I did wages and VAT and...

-Yes.

-..raising invoices and collecting money,

-which I rather liked.

-That's not boring! No, absolutely right.

-So what do you do with your time now?

-I like painting, I like gardening.

I like going to boot fairs, I like all sorts of fairs

where I can go and get a bargain.

I should think the reds are quaking in their boots

because you're up against a bit of an expert here in our Cynthia.

Anyway, now the money moment. £300 apiece. Here's your £300.

You know the rules. Your experts await.

And off you go and very, very, very good luck.

Ooh, I think we're going to have trouble today.

What's our plan? I haven't got one.

The ever-prepared Mark Stacey is with the reds.

-We don't want any rubbish.

-We don't want rubbish.

-We want quality.

Absolutely.

And the ever-agreeable Catherine Southon is

heading off with the blues.

Our plan is to buy things that we like.

-Things that we think are beautiful and useful.

-Oh, dear.

This could go horribly wrong, you know.

-We'll leave you some money so you can choose something special.

-OK.

-Let's have a look at the china.

-There's some china.

-150.

-Oh, no!

-For the lot?

-For the lot.

-It's a toasting jug.

-Is it?

What do you think looks nice here?

They're a wonderful remnant of a bygone age.

That's quite nice because they look like they're all hallmarked.

-I like that.

-Oh, it's gorgeous.

-I quite like that little toad tape measure.

-Oh, right.

-I don't know what it's made of.

-We've been told it's bone.

-Oh, bone?

-We thought it was ivory.

I think that's rather fun. Look at that.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, I love that.

-It's got a little butterfly on the end.

-That's cute.

-I think that's really nicely made.

-I do.

-It is.

-It's lovely.

It's a quirky little item

and if you get two collectors who like it,

-I think they could well go for that.

-I like that.

The only bit of a problem we've got is that it's marked at £125.

But the one thing that I will say

is that anything with a bit of a collecting slant

has got a better chance at auction, particularly with the internet.

People dig up for these things

and at Canterbury, it is going into their fine sale

-and they may illustrate that on-line...

-Right.

-..so you might get foreign collectors.

-But...

Price-wise, what's the room for profit on it?

We've got to smile very, very sweetly to the dealer.

-What's on the ticket?

-125.

-125.

-125.

-Call it 110.

-I can't do no lower than that.

-You can't do it for a straight 100?

No, I'm very sorry, no.

-I rather like that, you know.

-I do.

-I think that's rather an interesting object.

-Yes.

-Shall we go for it?

-We'll go for it.

-Definitely.

-Well, let's hope we don't croak in the sale.

-Indeed.

Have you got any more awful puns where that came from?

-Plenty. I haven't started yet.

-Oh, dear.

I'll look forward to those, then.

But the reds have leapt right in and snapped up their first item

for £110.

Now, where's Catherine gone?

-Do you want to have a look round there?

-Yes, OK.

Pat? Where's Pat?

Oh, dear. Looks like Pat's going solo.

Where are they?

# Yeah, wanderer

# I roam around and round and round and round and round... #

-I just want to get that one item in the bag and then we'll feel more confident.

-OK.

That's it. Round her up, Catherine. Like sheep.

It can't have been 15 minutes, surely?

Time flies when you're having fun, love.

It almost looks like silver doll's house furniture

but it would be a very upmarket doll's house.

-It would also probably be Continental.

-Yes.

-Lots of little import marks there. Can you see?

-Oh, yes.

-So what is there?

-There's the table, an occasional table

-and a settee.

-Yes.

Could I see if the mark's the same on that, Barbara?

It's a slightly different design, this one.

-Does that one go with that one or is it...?

-They don't go together.

I think they're all different. That's quite sweet, with the cherubs.

-I can't see any marks on this one.

-No.

And that's quite an early Victorian one.

And again, the quality of that is quite nice.

-I like them, actually.

-Yes.

-I hate it when things aren't priced

-because it normally means they're expensive.

-Yes.

Do you want to ask the gentleman how much those two are?

-Yes. Excuse me, sir.

-Yes?

-How much are these?

They can be... £50.

-Both?

-Two for £50, yeah.

'Not bad, eh, Mark?'

Some collectors collect what I suppose we'd call objects of virtue,

little pieces that really don't have a huge use but are very pretty.

'Oh, cheer up, mate. Maybe the blues have got something to smile about.'

I'm feeling a bit panicked, now.

'No.'

-It is possible we can say the three for £50?

-No, sir.

-What would you say for the three?

-£70.

-Could we say 60, sir?

-OK, then. £60.

-I think we've got a deal.

-I think that's lovely.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-All right, ladies.

'£60 and their palm is crossed with silver.

'Two down.'

-Do you remember these?

-Oh, yes. Aren't they lovely?

-Time to move on. We have no time to play.

-OK.

-Hello.

-We haven't bought anything yet.

No, we haven't.

Right, where haven't we been?

I can see these ladies need some direction.

What do you think about this sign?

-Oh, wow.

-'Ah, who needs a crystal ball, eh?'

-Isn't that lovely?

-Yes!

-I like that.

That is so quirky.

Well, I tell you what, you know, you're like Speedy Gonzalez.

You've bought two items already, fantastic items, as well.

You've spent 170 quid, so we've still got 130 left,

-minus my little bonus, though.

-Of course.

-OK.

-Did you find out how much it was?

-It doesn't float my boat but...

It doesn't float your boat? £100.

-Oh!

-£100. Is there a profit in that?

Hiya. Your sign.

Being very nice ladies that we are, three very nice ladies.

I'm very sorry but it should be double that.

How about £90 and we'll bring you a cup of tea?

No, ma'am. £100, forget the tea.

-And a packet of crisps.

-No. That's my price.

I'll leave it to you two. I don't mind.

I mean, I just like it. I think it's an interesting thing.

-Do you want to think?

-Can we hold that in reserve?

-OK, if you want to.

-No? Or do you want it?

-Would you happily hold it for us for ten minutes?

-Yeah, that's fine.

That's really kind.

'Ladies! Now, you remember. You've got to buy three items, yes?'

-Do you like them?

-They look art nouveau, don't they?

-How much are you asking for them?

-Absolute, absolute best, best price

would be 130.

I could see them at auction with an estimate of...

-80 to 100.

-70 to 90, that sort of bracket, yes.

-I think we need a bit of a stride.

-We do, don't we? We're in a hurry.

This is really more difficult than I expected it to be.

I'm worried about the time, now.

You're worried? You should've written a shopping list

and I might have just the thing for you.

What do you think about this one? Is that not a whopper?

Well, I have to say it's on the major size, isn't it?

This thing's stamped the American Pencil Co.

It's desirable. It has no lead in it so it's never going to write

but if you look at this unscrewable end

you get the idea as to what it is used for.

It is in fact a pencil case.

Not for writing with but to store your pencils in.

It's the sort of novelty that would've produced by the American Pencil Company

for its customers to take away and store the pencils on their desks

and it's a rather cute object. I mean, wouldn't you like to own it?

What's it worth? Well, here in Ardingly, it could be yours for £12.

But to an American passionate pencil collector,

and they have a huge American pencil collecting club over there,

it be worth, well, quite a lot, really.

Pity it's got no lead in it.

A bit of slipware. I'm not quite sure how old that is.

If it is old it could be worth a lot of money.

Yeah but I don't, to be honest, actually like it much.

-Oh, I'll put it down, then.

-Sorry.

-Pardon me for breathing.

OK, we've had just over half an hour and we've got nothing.

What have we really seen? What do we think?

We liked the buttons but they were a little bit pricy.

We quite liked the sign for East Sussex but you weren't sure.

-Well, I'm like that about that.

-OK.

I think it's original and people do collect that sort of thing.

-It might be worth a punt.

-OK, well let's go for that for one, then.

-Shall we?

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, we...

'Don't talk Pat out of it, Catherine!'

The sign is there, so that's a very quick purchase

that we can do straight away.

Come on, ladies.

'Yes, keep up, Pat!'

That's a lot of fun.

-It is a bit...

-Yes.

-OTT.

-OTT.

-I like a bit of OTT.

-So do I.

-'Get away.'

-90.

-Did you?

-Yes!

Oh, you're so lovely!

At last! £90 for the sign. Worth a quick hug, eh?

-Who did all the hard work?

-We both did it.

Well, two hugs, actually. We've two items left to find.

-This is Blush Ivory.

-Oh!

-Oh, right, OK.

-Do you like it?

-Yes, actually, I do.

I'll just ask the gentleman how much it is.

-£160.

-£160.

-We haven't got £160.

-No, so we'll have to put that down.

-Indeed.

I like that ventriloquist's thing?

He's got a bow tie on. I know you're attracted to bow ties for some reason.

I think it looks a bit like Tim.

'Gottle of geer!'

-What about the fish?

-The fish looks rather stunning.

-It's rather big, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Yes.

Not too heavy. Now what is that?

-It looks a little bit new underneath here.

-Definitely.

-It is stunning but...

-It's very dramatic, isn't it?

Feel those teeth, Alison.

-Ooh, crikey.

-They're quite sharp, aren't they?

If we buy that, we might be biting off more than we can chew.

-Look, what about this?

-Fabulous.

-Isn't that nice?

-Love it.

That would be gorgeous in a bedroom or a dining room.

-I love it.

-Is it damaged?

I think it's shabby chic, the look of it.

-Shabby chic. We love shabby chic.

-Oh!

-How much is your trunk?

-The very best on it is 50.

-I think that's so sellable.

-What do you think?

Or you could put your ventriloquist's dummy in there.

I don't dislike it but I just think it's expensive.

I think we've got to have it.

-Can we give you 40?

-No, it's got to be 50. Sorry.

It'll be cash.

Can we meet you in the middle? 45.

I'm not being mean but it's cheap at 50. Really cheap, honestly.

Mm. I think it's lovely. Do you know what? I would buy that for myself.

-I would, too.

-OK. I think you should make a profit on that. It's lovely.

If you think we can make a profit, let's go for it.

-Well done.

-OK.

Just say yes, Catherine.

-Go for it, ladies.

-Right you are. Thank you very much.

Hooray! The blues have finally caught the shopping bug.

-So we paid how much for the sign?

-90.

50 for this. One item left and we've got about seven minutes.

OK, teams. One item to find each.

Time to focus.

-We've covered this area.

-Have we?

Er... Yes.

-OK, let's go down here now.

-OK.

-Oh, the boat's fab.

-Oh, yes.

I don't know anything about these.

And it's completely different from anything else.

It's up to you. You have to ask, is it something you really want?

-It's for somebody who would be prepared to do some work on it.

-Yes.

-I wouldn't pay 100 for it.

-OK. What would you like to pay?

-50.

-50.

Come on, ladies!

-The lowest he will take is 80.

-No. I'm not interested.

-No?

-No, I don't think so.

-We'll leave it at that.

What bargain can you offer us at the £40-£50 mark that we can make a profit on?

We have two minutes. Can we look at all of them, at everything?

The card case is beautiful.

-That's too much.

-You couldn't do quite a bit off that, could you?

Because we haven't got much left and we've only got a few minutes left.

Lovely fish, aren't they? They're sort of stylized dolphins.

-How long have we got?

-It's £130.

-I know.

We need to get it for about £120 to leave me with £10.

-Shall I have a word with them?

-Have a word with the gentleman.

Just give me two shakes.

Cor! They're certainly putting Mark to work.

-Vaguely Oriental.

-Yes. Another possibility.

-It's quite bold and decorative, isn't it?

-That's what I thought.

-Again, I think you're appealing mainly to a design market.

-Oh, yes.

Girls, I really have to be sensible with you now.

You've got to make a decision whether to go for the Japanese vase...

We'll go for the Japanese vase.

..they've got to interest us.

They wanted to do it for 100 but I managed to get it for 90.

-We'll have it.

-Are you happy with that?

-We are.

-It is a big lump. It's got a chance.

-Yes, I think so.

-Happy with that?

-We're happy.

-Yes.

Well, in the nick of time,

-with a minute or so to spare, you've done it. Well done.

-Thank you.

Now it's all hands on deck for the blues.

Look, there's a little silver compact there.

It's got initials on it but it's quite a reasonable one.

I think get your buttons. Have we got time to run back and get them?

MAN: You've got 30 seconds.

Arrgh! I've never been this panicked in my life.

-How about 25?

-It's Birmingham.

Is it 25?

I think you'll have to have it. We can't get anything else.

-Thank you very much.

-Done.

-Done.

Catherine!

That was really, really hard.

-Oh, wow.

-I should be in the red team with this face.

You should be.

Right, they've shopped till they've nearly dropped and time's up.

Now, let's see what the reds bought.

Barbara and Alison jumped on the carved toad tape measure

at £110.

For 60 notes you can dine in style if you're tiny.

And shortly before time ran out,

they spent £90 on the Japanese vase.

-Well, Al my pal, how much did you spend overall?

-£260.

-Please may I have £40 of leftover lolly?

-There you go.

That's beautifully warm, isn't it? Some would say red hot.

What are you going to do with that, then, Mark Stacey?

I have absolutely no idea but there's a lot of stalls here.

It's a fabulous fair, don't you think?

-Oh, yes.

-Amazing.

-Have you had the greatest fun?

-We have, yes.

-Yes, yes.

-Yes.

-Yes, indeed we have.

Well, good luck. The fun, however, will continue.

But meanwhile, let us remind ourselves what the blues bought, eh?

Pat and Cynth eventually bought something,

namely a large metal sign for £90.

They travelled far and wide and found the domed trunk for £50.

Pat wandered into the silver compact, dusted off £25,

all in the dying seconds.

Which thing's going to bring the biggest profit?

-I think the silver compact.

-Do you agree, Pat?

-Erm, no, I think the trunk.

-You think the trunk. All right.

-How much did you spend overall?

-We spent one hundred and...

-65.

-65. 165.

-So 165, does that mean we want 135 back of leftover lolly?

-Yes.

-Have you got that?

-I've got the money.

135. That's red hot, that is. Have you got any ideas?

I have. I've got just the item for these two ladies.

It's going to give them a big smile, I think.

-Is it going to make them a big profit?

-Is it big or little?

Erm...

Well, you'd better go and pay for it, else you're going to be in trouble.

Anyway, good luck, girls, good luck.

Now, we're heading off to Greenwich, to Ranger's House

and we're going to have, well, how can I put it?

A thrill.

Ranger's House is now home to one man's private collection

of treasures.

Julius Wernher made a fortune out of South Africa's diamond mines

over 100 years ago.

But it was no easy feat.

Young Julius traded an office job in London for a risky career

as a diamond dealer on the other side of the world.

Tough old life for a gent.

Imagine the scene. It's December 1874.

It's a baking hot day in a diamond mine in South Africa.

And up come, panting, two bearers

and they say, "Christmas present for Mr Wernher!"

See ya.

And this is it, the Christmas present from heaven.

The most sophisticated piece of French mechanical furniture

that you could possibly conceive,

being carted all the way to a dusty diamond mine,

where you would be living not in a chateau

but in a corrugated iron shed.

I think it's just extraordinary.

I would imagine

that Wernher's employer heard from the dealer in Paris

that this is a mechanical travelling piece of furniture

and he thought, "Well, Julius is in South Africa, this is mechanical,

"it's travelling, I'll simply send it to him."

A more inappropriate gift you cannot imagine.

Constructed by a notable French ebonist

in about 1750,

it's an extraordinary piece of furniture because it's mechanical.

Basically, this lower part looks like a commode

but if you insert the handle and you wind the handle,

as if by magic on a sash window, counterbalanced principle,

this back section rises up with central shelves for books.

But the ends are amazing.

If you press this brass secret button

and carefully guide the curved sections to one side,

you reveal a blue moire silk-lined interior

which has compartments for the sort of things that you'd need

on a French picnic.

For example, gold and mother-of-pearl inset cutlery.

Acid etched and cut glassware

and, of course, the must-have accessory.

One of these fellows...

which is a Chantilly porcelain, floral painted

tea or sugar bowl and cover.

And all of this was carted to the Kimberley diamond mine

as a Christmas present.

And what's this little fellow on the floor?

Well, this is a drawer that's come out of the middle

but fitted underneath are some folding legs

which are designed to go over your knees when you're lying in bed.

And with the gilt, tooled green leather top,

you could scrawl a note.

Extraordinary, isn't it?

The big question today is, of course, are our teams going to be collecting any notes

over at the auction?

We've popped into Kent and come to Canterbury

to the Canterbury Auction Rooms

where it's a delight to be with auctioneer Michael Roberts.

-Good morning.

-Morning, Tim.

Now, for the red team, Babs and Alison,

their first item is a little toad, literally.

-What do you make of him?

-Well, he isn't ivory.

-That's the impression it gives but he's not ivory.

-Not ivory.

I think it's a fairly modern concoction as well.

The tape is modern and it's pieced together

and we've looked at the body and it's bubbled, it's almost a kind of resin.

-Really? So it's plastic?

-Yes, in all likelihood.

Well, that's going to be a bit of a blow, isn't it?

Because as a little ivory tape container, as ivory,

as Japanese, Meiji period, that's a £500 item, isn't it?

Absolutely, yeah. The grotesque is quite collectable, isn't it?

-What's the estimate, then?

-Our estimate is £30-40.

-That's quite generous, isn't it?

-It might tickle somebody's fancy.

Well, it might do but I don't think it's going to measure up.

OK, they paid £110. Your estimate is £30-40.

-This is sounding like a disaster.

-Yes.

-OK, moving along

to our three little miniature pieces of silver.

I never really know with these.

Do people put them in doll's houses or what do they do?

Well, I suppose they must do, really,

because I can't see what other use they have, really.

They're quite nice quality. The circular table is late 19th century,

Dutch-made, with English export marks when it arrived,

so it's quite nice.

-The other two pieces are modern.

-Right.

-They're possibly also Dutch

or Italian or something like that but they bear English hallmarks.

-They're quite collectable.

-What's your estimate?

-£70-100.

-Well, that's better. They paid 60, so they're beginning to win some back here, we hope.

-Right.

And finally, it's this turquoise pot. Do you rate that?

-No.

-Oh.

-Why?

-It's fine, there's nothing wrong with it

but it's just boring and average.

It's a bit worn to the top, the black decoration.

The body is fine. Yeah, Chinese, but it's a standard thing.

-OK. So how much, then?

-Our estimate is £40-60.

They paid 90. So there are a couple of losers there,

so they're going to need that bonus buy, so let's go and have a look at it.

Now, Barb and Alison, you spent £260. You gave Mark Stacey £40.

He's gone off to find your bonus buy.

Da-dah!

Now, the lid is damaged so we have to be careful when we open this

because it just comes off.

They're a pair of nutcrackers and a pair of grape scissors.

-As we were in Canterbury, they've got apostles on them.

-How appropriate.

They're silver plate, late Victorian and they cost me just £30.

-Well done.

-I thought that was quite a reasonable price.

-They're quite fun.

-They are.

-What do you think, Alison?

-I'm not terribly gripped by them...

-Ooh, ooh!

-..I'm afraid.

-Don't worry about my feelings here, will you?

You just say what you mean.

My grandmother would have thought they needed a clean.

-Not for auction. It's better to sell them as they are.

-Oh, right.

-The big prospect is, though, how much profit is there in them?

-Yes.

-Yes.

I'd hope they'd make sort of £10 or £20 profit.

And the handles are unusual and appropriate for the place.

-That's what I thought.

-I think they're coming round. Keep thinking about it.

For the audience, let's find out what the auctioneer thinks about Mark's nutcrackers.

-Here we go. What every modern household can't do without.

-Fantastic. Right.

-Mm.

-Do you fancy those?

-No.

THEY LAUGH

Pointless, really. They're plated, they have no commercial value.

-It's difficult with a broken box, isn't it?

-Yes.

They say you should think about presentation,

so the buyer is going to have to restore that,

which is going to cost him money and time

and what he's got at the end of the day are plated nut-cracks

with ecclesiastical ends on them and a nice pair of grape scissors.

-When was the last time you used a pair of nut-cracks?

-Well...

-Once a year at Christmas?

-If that, yes.

-If you're lucky.

-Quite, yeah.

So what do you think you might get for the bonus buy?

I think we'll be lucky to sell them but our estimate is £20-£30.

So that's generous. You could struggle to get a £5 note.

Yes, yes, quite.

Anyway, that's it for the reds. Now for the blues, Pat and Cynthia.

Their first item is the East Sussex sign.

-Now...

-Now, was that nicked yesterday or the day before?

-It's certainly not terribly old.

-Is it not?

-No.

-I understand it was purchased as being vintage, '50s...

-They thought it was '50s.

OK, well, it's not terribly old

and, quite honestly, of limited appeal.

If it was '50s, there would be a market for it but modern...

-Right. It's just a knocked-off sign, then?

-Well, quite.

-Yes.

-What do you think it's worth?

-Our estimate is £60-£80.

Is it? Even though it's modern?

Well, you've got to give these things a fair chance.

-£90, they paid.

-Right, OK.

It's no wonder there aren't many street signs knocking about

-if you can get 90 notes for brand new ones.

-Yeah.

OK, well, we'll see about that.

-Next up is the cabin trunk.

-Right.

-Which has seen better days.

-It's been in the attic a while, hasn't it?

-Yes.

Well travelled, fairly worn out.

1930s period. It is what it is and that's not terribly good.

Right. What's your estimate?

£20-£30.

Right. £50 paid.

OK. We're not doing too well here, are we?

OK, and their last item, for something completely different,

is the engine-turned little powder compact.

Sure. That's actually not too bad.

Er... Engine-turned decoration,

classic '40s with the initials on the top there.

Internally, it's fine. The mirror's OK.

-Yeah.

-No puff in there.

-No puff.

-No puff.

It's nice quality, not damaged but it is a powder compact and...

-Not for you or I.

-Not for me, no, or yourself.

-But 50% of the population are female, you know.

-I suppose this is true.

They're lathering themselves up all the time with this dust.

-There we are.

-You never know what they get up to.

-Anyway, how much?

-£30-£40, our estimate.

-Lovely. £25 paid.

-OK.

So they might make a small profit, you're reckoning, on the compact

but the trunk and the sign don't stand a snowflake's chance, right?

-No.

-No. In which case, they're going to need their bonus buy

so let's go and have a look at it.

You spent £165, which was pretty bravo.

You gave Catherine £135 of leftover lolly. What has she spent it on?

Catherine?

-Oh.

-Right, have a little look inside there.

It looks like a telescope.

-Ooh!

-Oh, it's not.

-Or a case for knitting needles.

If you can get it out.

-Something for a long Pimm's.

-A long Pimm's.

-Good.

-You're along the right sort of lines.

-It is a flask, a drinking flask.

-That's nice, isn't it?

Isn't that lovely, with the two integral drinking cups?

-That's yours, that's mine.

-Exactly. There we are! Perfect.

-Are they silver, Catherine?

-No, it's plated.

-OK.

-And this is cut glass.

-How old?

-It's early 20th century.

But I thought it was lovely to have the two cups.

It's very nice.

-And how much?

-I actually spent £100.

-Ooh, you little spendthrift!

-I know.

It is actually quite a lot of money but I thought it was a nice thing.

-I've had some quite good experience with drinking...

-I can imagine.

..flasks and hunting memorabilia and I thought this was a nice item.

What sort of price do you think it might make?

We might get a little profit on it.

-I think it's unusual.

-It's my sort of thing.

-Well done, Catherine.

On that happy note, for the audience,

let's find out what the auctioneer thinks of the flask.

-Well, there you go. Something to refresh you, Michael.

-Marvellous.

Erm, cut-glass flask with plated cups, integral, there.

No marks on them at all and it's in the wrong case.

-You reckon this is the wrong case?

-That's a military telescope case,

First World War era.

This just doesn't fit very well in there.

But it's a perfectly reasonable flask, it's in reasonable condition.

I think we had a stopper in there. Oh, no, we don't. There we are.

It's fine but I can't really see who's going to want to buy it.

Right. Somebody who's thirsty, hopefully.

-How much do you think?

-Our estimate is £50-£70.

OK, well, Catherine paid £100. It's her bonus buy.

She's going to be recommending the team to take this thing.

Whether they do or not's another matter.

Anyway, thank you, Michael. That's marvellous.

So, girls, you spent £260. Have you got an regrets at all? Alison?

No, none whatsoever.

-Barb?

-Not really, no.

-Good. No regrets. That's what we like to hear.

-Are you feeling nervy at all?

-Yes.

Erm, stoic.

-Stoic. That's a good word.

-Stoic, yes, stoic.

So whatever life throws at you in two seconds' time,

-you can take it on the chin.

-Absolutely.

That's what I love about British girls.

Excellent. Anyway. First lot up is the little toad and here it comes.

-Lot 200.

-Two bids of £50.

We're going to start at £50 on commission.

-They're asking for £50.

-That's not bad.

It's 60 now. Any more?

60 in the room. 70 on commission. 70, internet?

Internet. Oh, they love a toad on the internet.

At £70. You've got it.

70. 80? No?

£70 on the internet. I'm looking for 80.

-At 70 and selling...

-GAVEL BANGS

That's perfect. You're only minus 40.

It could have been a lot worse.

Now, stand by for a thumping profit, we hope.

..a Dutch model of a table and the two other items, lot 201.

Who'll start me at £50?

-Bit of silver here.

-Here.

-50 on commission, 60 at the back.

-70, 80...

-You're in profit.

-100?

-Oh, come on.

90, now. £90, where?

If not, 80 and selling, then.

80.

£80, that's plus 20. You've clawed back 20.

Now let's hope that the pot does it for you.

-Lot 202.

-Two bids here at £70.

-£70 on commission.

-70 on commission.

-70 on commission.

In the room, 80?

Any more? £80. 90? 100.

-Look at that.

-110, 120...

-Look at that.

-Yes!

-Any more? At 110 and selling.

-GAVEL BANGS

£110 is plus £20 which means that at this point you have nothing!

We've got a wiped face, no profit and no loss.

I do love this programme. So what are you going to do?

That could be a winning score, having nothing!

-What do you want to do, Barbara?

-Are you going to go with the nut job?

-We're going to go with...

-We are.

-We're going to go with them.

-It's Canterbury, we'll go with the apostles.

-Are you sure?

-Positive.

Any losses that this may make could torpedo your chances of winning,

you do know that?

It's all right. We can bear being runners-up with tolerable fortitude.

-Yes.

-Right. Two stoic women indeed.

OK, we're going with the bonus buy and here it comes.

Lot 206 is the snack set. The apostle handles. Lot 206.

Who's going to start me at £10?

£10 I'm bid. And 20, 30. 40? No.

40, please? Who's 40?

-Any more?

-One more.

-At £30 and selling.

GAVEL BANGS £30. You make no profit.

-We're exactly where we were.

-Exactly.

-Completely outrageous.

It's as if this journey never started, girls.

-But it did and we know it did.

-You spent £260, he spent 30,

everybody had a change around and we get nowhere.

-Yes.

-Well, that's all right.

The big thing is that getting nowhere may enable you to win today.

-You never know.

-It might. You never know.

Well, I don't think this has ever happened before,

that we've finished the entire shebang twice by getting nowhere.

But good luck, girls. The big thing is, don't say a word to the blues.

-We won't.

-We won't.

-Very good.

-Now, Pat and Cynth. How are you feeling, girls?

-A bit nervous.

Been chatting to our friendly girls, the reds?

-No, no.

-Not a word? That's the way we like to keep it.

-So you haven't got any idea where they're up to?

-Not a clue.

-Good.

The first lot up is the East Sussex metal sign. Here it comes.

Lot 222 is the modern enamelled metal road sign for East Sussex.

Lot 222, showing on the screen behind me

and who's going to start me at £40?

-Yes.

-40 on commission. Who's 50 now?

50, where?

50 in the room?

-There's a commission bid but there's nobody against it.

-50, good...

-I will sell at 40.

-GAVEL BANGS

-It's £40.

-Oh!

-Oh, no.

-You are minus 50.

-There was a commission bid as well.

..the canvas leather-mounted dome-topped travelling trunk.

Lot 223. Who's going to start me at £10?

-Me.

-£10 on commission. Who's 20?

£20?

-Oh, my goodness.

-20 on the phone.

-30, 40.

-They're on commission.

50 and 60?

-No? At 50.

-Is it 50?

At £50, looking for 60.

-At 50 and selling.

-GAVEL BANGS

-You've wiped your face, girls.

-That's not so bad.

So now the compact. Look out.

A silver ladies' powder compact. Lot 224.

Who'll start me at £20? £20 now?

£20 I'm bid. Sir, £20.

-Who's 30 now?

-Come on, come on.

£30 where for the silver compact? Any more? I have 20.

I'm looking for 30. I will sell at £20.

£20 is minus £5. Overall you're minus 55.

That is bad luck, girls.

What are you going to do about the flask, the bonus buy?

-No.

-No, I agree.

-We're not going with it. I'm sorry.

-I think you might be right.

You don't think this is a moment just to go for it, do you?

-What do you think?

-Quick!

-Go for it!

-Oh, no!

-You're going for it?

-You think we shouldn't? No, we won't, then.

-You don't want to go for it.

-Right, we're not going to go for it.

-No, we're not.

-Make your mind up!

-Catherine said no, so we're not.

-Well...

No? We're not going with the bonus buy. Yes? No? No bonus buy.

The decision is made. We're going to sell it anyway.

Lot 228. Who's £30?

£30 where?

£30 I'm bid. And 40?

£40 now?

Any more? 40 in the front.

50 behind. 60?

70. 80?

-Oh!

-No?

-Here it comes.

-Who's 80 now?

-At 70 and selling...

-GAVEL BANGS

-Good decision, girls.

-You did the right thing.

-Minus 30.

-I thought it was going to take off then.

-It did have a swell to it.

It did, didn't it? Absolutely.

So you are just minus £55. Just the minus £55.

That could be a winning score.

Well, well, well.

Swings and roundabouts have got nothing in today's programme.

-Been chatting have we at all?

-No!

-You haven't compared scores?

-No, no.

Sadly, we don't have losers any more.

We have runners-up and today, that's the blues.

-Oh!

-Yes, we...

-By a considerable margin, I have to say.

You didn't go with your bonus buy, that was very sensible,

and you managed to ring-fence your losses at only minus £55.

-Bad luck, girls.

-Never mind. It's only a game.

-It's only a game and taking part is what it's all about, yes?

-Of course.

-You've been a great team. And thank you, Catherine.

-Thank you.

But the victors today, who have done incredibly well,

by winning absolutely nothing.

They have no losses and they have no gains.

This has never happened before. You wiped your face on the items you sold

and then you took the bonus buy and that made no profit either.

I mean, how ridiculous can it be?

So I'm giving you no cash, I'm afraid,

but you most certainly are winners.

-I hope you've had a nice time.

-Indeed we have.

-We're record breakers, if nothing else.

-Absolutely.

I hope you had a great time and good luck all round.

Join us soon for some more bargain hunting, yes?

Yes!

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