Episode 10 Can't Touch This

One rule - touch the prize, win the prize.

But doing that takes a whole load of this.

KLAXON DISTORTED HOLLERING

A ridiculous amount of this.

Yargh!

And absolutely masses of this.

MAN SCREAMS

HE PANTS

-This is...Can't...

-Can't Touch This.

One day I'll get it.

It's the Best Of And Unseen, actually.

Hello and welcome to the Best Of And Unseen Can't Touch This.

My name's Sue Perkins

and tonight I'll be guiding you through the oohs...

the ahhs...and the - Ohh, hello!

Oh, I really want to give him a wedgie.

For this year's Can't Touch This,

We shot ten episodes on this gigantic set

in Belfast's Titanic shipyards.

Where else?

Over 150 people competed in the show,

some of them are still alive today.

They're all shapes, sizes and age groups.

We've had 'em all.

The winkers...

..the kissers...

..the scaredy-cats...

..and Mr Burns.

They all had one thing in common -

-they all thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

-It was scary!

-Brutal from start to finish.

-Painful.

-Dreadful.

-Ridiculous!

-Dreadful.

-My God! That was so hard!

-My bones are on fire.

Bucket list - tick - don't do again.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

And where to start this epic adventure?

Well, right at the beginning, of course,

with our first official contestant.

Remember Stewart, the retired businessman from Lisburn? He's 62.

He's 62!

Stewart, you gave up work so you could travel the world.

You've been to 74 countries.

How are you going to travel the course today, do you think?

With great difficulty, I would imagine,

but I'll certainly go down with all guns blazing.

Yes, it's a walking stick. We've been through this.

We stuck a 62-year-old man who uses a walking stick in a human catapult.

I think it would have been rude not to - age discriminatory.

STEWART SCREAMS

DISTORTED SCREAMING

MUSIC: Lust For Life by Iggy Pop

Well, he's out of the foam and off to the Travelator.

-He looks good.

-He's incredibly fit for his age.

No walking stick now.

Ohh! Is he up?

STEWART SCREAMS ASHLEY LAUGHS

The first touch point - back to robotic vacuum cleaner.

So Stewart can finally clean his robotic vacuums.

The next touch point was for a trip to Barcelona.

-Argh!

-Stewart!

LAUGHTER

Argh!

Amazing!

# I like to move it, move it!

-# You like to...

-Move it! #

You all right, Stu?

All Stewart had to do was stack the blocks up

to the next touch point to bank a 3D printer.

A lot of people are looking at him there with his walking stick

and you may have made assumptions. Well, hope we proved you wrong.

I'm going to hit that.

Stewart was going on for years about how he wanted that 3D printer.

Now he can print himself some new hips.

Off to the Wall Of DOOM!

Well, we could have tried a little harder with that name, to be fair.

-Argh!

-Look at him! He's like a teenage Brucie.

Nice to see you. Not so nice, however, to see this.

SUE GASPS The Pole Vault!

Do you know, I don't actually know I can watch this again.

Or...maybe I can.

-Right, no chance.

-No chance.

STEWART SCREAMS

STEPTOE AND SON THEME PLAYS

Grey splash. STEWART WHIMPERS

HE GASPS

-How you doing, Stewart?

-It's cold!

-Yeah, a bit cold.

-Sorry about that.

Off to the Beam now for a satnav.

And by beam, I mean those five very heavy punch bags.

We've put the touch point just beneath the beam - course we did.

Stewart's employing the Steptoe technique there. Very good thinking.

-Straight past three!

-And he's banked it!

Argh!

-Ohh!

-No!

-He's off!

Argh!

-Gutted!

-Check out Stewart setting the standard for the series.

Finally, the Slide.

The two swinging touch points at the bottom

bank a smoothie maker and Bluetooth speakers. Imagine the parties!

-Oh, he's missed it!

-Argh!

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS

But he's stopped the clock and banked the pan set.

You are brilliant.

How are you feeling? Are you a little bit worse for wear?

-How do I look?

-Well, a little bit wet, a little bit tired.

I applied for this show 40 years ago.

I can tell you, I'll never go near a second-class stamp again.

ASHLEY LAUGHS

Oh, Stewart, I thoroughly enjoyed that.

STEWART SCREAMS

I think my favourite bit was the Catapult.

# Come fly with me. #

Think of your favourite BBC shows - Fawlty Towers, Dad's Army,

Only Fools And Horses.

What do they have in common? They all start with a catapult.

SCREAMING

-What was your favourite bit?

-Erm, the catapult, actually.

-The catapult was great.

-Do you know, I didn't mind the catapult.

-You didn't mind the catapult?

-I was petrified of that, but it was actually quite good.

This is Eddie.

It turned out Eddie hadn't been fired out of a catapult before,

but he made it look easy.

KLAXON

-Ready Eddie.

-BOTH:

-Ohh!

-Is he going to come up smiling?

-Is he going to come up?

-That's a good point.

-LAUGHTER

While Eddie is flailing in polystyrene,

what say we have a look at some other catapult techniques?

We had the screamers.

HE SCREAMS SHE SCREAMS

DANGER MOUSE THEME PLAYS

-That was a big scream.

-Good scream!

We had the shape makers.

-That was a star jump!

-Oh, a Superman entrance there.

-He means business.

-Just get him a little cape.

HE HOLLERS

-That's up there in my top five favourite catapult entrances.

-Definitely.

He stayed seated the whole way.

Meanwhile, Eddie is still in the foam.

And we have the neck breakers.

-Ow!

-Which was our lawyer's least favourite technique.

And quick update - Eddie is still in the foam.

-Help!

-It's not even really part of the game, it's sort of just foam.

But it did prove a bit of a challenge for some of you,

so welcome to...

Montage is coming.

This is House of Maria.

KLAXON

SHE SCREAMS

Go on, chuck the pieces, Maria.

She's definitely there.

This is noble House of Alan. KLAXON

-Alan?

-Alan!

-BOTH:

-Alan?

-SHE SCREAMS

And this is just Tasha.

God, it's like being stuck in straw.

Yeah, you know, like being stuck in straw.

Er, best technique should you ever find yourself in foam

is to get one of our researchers to pull you out

using a door they kicked off earlier.

Oh, there's nothing more embarrassing

than being stuck in foam.

-Ah!

-Ohh!

# Oh, yeah! #

BOTH LAUGH

Brilliant!

Yes, Eddie!

Don't worry, love, you weren't the only one

to have a wardrobe malfunction.

There was Gareth.

-I do love his shorts.

-So do I.

I think they may be a size too small.

SHE LAUGHS

My advice would be, when you take on a giant obstacle course,

put a little thought into what you will wear on your bottom half.

Don't make them too tight.

SHE WHIMPERS Or too lose.

And white can be problematic when wet.

-Oh, white see-through shorts.

-Ohh!

-How exciting.

-Michael!

And here's an important fashion tip -

tuck your T-shirt in when you're on BBC One.

I'm looking at you, Tony.

-Come and have a chat.

-And you, Alexander.

Isn't that right, Eddie? Oh!

Before we let our contestants onto the course,

we had to rigorously test it with...

other contestants.

This is Naomi.

She was one of the contestants in our never-seen-before pilot episode.

I've been told that you are so competitive,

you call yourself The Terminator.

Can you guarantee then after this round one that you will be back?

-DISTORTED:

-Oh, I will be back, Zoe.

So, can Naomi terminate the Travelator?

KLAXON

-Let's go. Oh, she's over straightaway.

-That's quite...

No. No, I don't think you're supposed to get terminators wet.

Something to do with wiring... or was it Gremlins?

Stack 'Em High.

MIMICS ARNIE: Come with me if you want to bank a tablet.

-Don't know where he was from.

-I don't think I can look.

Is she going to bank the prize?

-BOTH:

-Yes!

Now, the Terminator versus the pole.

One of the weaker reboots, if you ask me.

-BOTH:

-Oh!

Hasta la vista, Naomi.

Now tell me, just how difficult did you find that?

SHE WHIMPERS

Steady now. The future of the future is at stake.

Don't forget the touch point. Watch those bags.

Oh, and the Beam claims Naomi.

Now, hang on, is this not the point in the movie

where her future self beams back and saves her?

Now for the iconic Terminator water-slide scene.

Naomi got round the course in... after penalties.

KLAXON

-That takes everything. Oh, my God!

-Yes.

You look like you were putting everything into that.

-But it was so much fun.

-Oh, well done, Naomi.

-Thank you.

-Well done.

Unlike the Terminator, Naomi never did come back,

probably too afraid of the Travelator.

And she wasn't the only one.

In fact, the Travelator was the single most

complained-about obstacle in Can't Touch This.

-The Travelator was not kind to you today.

-It was horrible.

-Not quite tall enough.

-I know.

-I banged my face.

As long as I don't fall flat on my face, I'm sure it'll be good.

Lots of people get up close and personal with the Travelator.

Including Kirsty.

-Ohh!

-Oh!

Bit cheeky.

As if getting knocked in the face wasn't enough.

You hit the water for the first time,

it just knocks the air out of you

I was looking for a drink to start with,

but I didn't mean one like that.

And I wouldn't describe that water as warm,

as TV's Ashley Banjo found out.

Oh, that's freezing!

BOTH HOLLER

-You know what?

-Ashley!

-Oh, Maria!

-You're dead, mate!

Cheers, love.

-What was the toughest part?

-Probably the Travelator.

-It tires you out for the rest of the course.

-Cheers, Mike.

-Sorry.

LAUGHTER

Why is it always me?!

-Look at that. Look.

-First thing they teach in presenter school -

don't work with animals, children or freezing cold pools.

It's always me!

Meet Mo -

the second of our contestants from the never-seen-before pilot.

A retired maths teacher from Somerset

who breathes and eats fire,

because they don't have air and crisps in the West Country.

I know you used to teach maths, but have you done any calculations

for the Can't Touch This course?

I read a lot about trigonometry, angle of elevation,

angle of depression.

I think he might be overthinking this.

Motion, velocity. And I will walk this course just like an Egyptian.

Just like an Egyptian? That's what I like to see.

Good old Mo, he's even picked his very own theme tune.

Start the clock. KLAXON

OK, let's go, Mo.

In your own time.

Glad this isn't live.

Come on, Mo!

And he's up.

Oh, and he's down again. We base this system

on the way the baggage is treated at Luton airport.

And he's wet! Gone in the drink!

Let's have another look at that.

Geroni...! Oh!

Come on, Mo.

This is for the trip to New York, so it's really worth making an effort.

Or just move on. Yeah, he's just going to move on there. Yeah.

So now we're onto Stack 'Em High.

Now, this should be right up Mo's street.

All about pie, like cake.

Bake! Sorry, force of habit.

-Come on, Mo!

-Come on, Mo!

-Do this.

Don't try this at home, kids, unless your parents are out,

then just give it a go.

Beautifully done, Mo. Nonchalant, some might say.

-BOTH:

-Oh!

-Nice one! Yeah!

-Nice one!

Then it's on to the Pole Vault -

an unstable, gigantic, slippery metal rod

suspended high above a shallow pool.

Oh, don't worry, Mo, what's the worst that could happen?

Ow!

Urgh!

He won't be walking like an Egyptian for a very long while,

but now he can sing like a Bee Gee - swings and roundabouts, my friend.

-Ow!

-ZOE LAUGHS

Time for the Beam. All Mo has to do is stay on it.

Just doing some intense mathematical calculations.

And they failed him, so there he goes into the foam.

Can we have a slow-mo for...Mo?

God, I...I do earn my money.

And, finally, it's the Slide.

All Mo has to do is solve a simultaneous equation

involving friction, motion and height.

This one's impossible to get wrong because...well, it's a slide.

He got it wrong.

We add four 30-second penalties to his time,

giving him a grand total of...

Tell me about the Pole Vault?

-MO SIGHS

-My voice changed!

BOTH LAUGH

I start to sound like a chicken.

BOTH LAUGH

-My wife won't be happy!

-She will.

Oh, well done, Mo.

We've already seen Stewart, but there was also grandad Anthony.

What do your six grandchildren

think of you doing something as crazy as this?

They think I'm going to come and win

and, of course, I'm going to try and prove 'em right.

-Donna.

-I'm one of those, I'm afraid.

-Yeah?

-All the gear, no idea.

-Sheila.

-I shall try and maintain my dignity and royal decorum.

And Dale. HE YODELS

Anthony at the Travelator.

THUDDING

Oh, that sound is going to stay with me.

You all right, Anthony?

Yeah, he's fine!

Donna has five grandkids.

Ohh!

So slippy!

Come on, Sheila.

SHEILA SCREAMS

What was that about dignity, again, Sheila?

LAUGHTER

Whoo-hoo!

Bigger bit. Use a bigger bit, Dale.

-SHE SIGHS

-I can't look.

Argh!

Man down! ASHLEY LAUGHS

Is she going to go up the third step?

I don't want her to. I don't want her to do it.

See, part of me does,

cos I really want her to bank those headphones.

Sheila, you're the same height, you're still standing on the...

-She's done it!

-She did it!

-She proved him wrong!

She banked the headphones.

Go, Sheila!

Ohh!

LAUGHTER

-I'm all right.

-You may be all right, Anthony,

but let's see how everyone else got on with Stack 'Em High.

I mean, it's easy, right?

It like a child's soft-play area.

Stack 'em high and touch the touch point.

Like that. And yet some people just couldn't master it.

Remember T?

MUSIC: Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations

To be fair, T was of small height,

but Mark wasn't.

And neither was Amy.

Ohh!

AMY SCREAMS

Ohh!

Getting up there was only half the battle.

-Ohh!

-Back to the drawing board.

Argh!

LAUGHTER

-All gave some.

-Hey!

-Some gave all.

-Ohh!

But then they all hit the wall.

Much like the foam, the wall wasn't supposed to be an obstacle,

but try telling them that.

-They can move separately.

-Two pieces.

Take Tasha, for instance.

It's the balancing act

and then trying to get your leg up gracefully.

The blocks will separate.

Oh, help! Help!

-No.

-T didn't have any better luck.

It is almost going to be time for tea at the end of this.

But we did say get stuck in.

Like Sophie.

-Ohh!

-And Hera.

-BOTH:

-Ohh!

-Ohh!

-We all remember Andrea.

Ohh!

-Oh!

-Whoo!

And Maria.

Oh!

-It is horrible.

-ZOE SIGHS

ZOE GASPS

The problem is that she is where the block should be, so...

she can't get it round.

101 ways to not get over the wall to the Pole Vault by Tasha.

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, no. I don't like the look of that. That's madness!

-Careful.

-That's madness! No! No!

DRUMROLL

-Quick, quick, quick. Yes!

-Yes!

Success. BOTH LAUGH

Except for Tasha, who I think is still there.

Remember Edward? Course you don't, you've never seen him before.

We asked him to stand still and look straight ahead for this shot.

Look at him, he's all over the place.

He retired at 37.

-So you're like a complete man of leisure now?

-Oh, absolutely.

Most people would spend their retirement on the golf course -

I've decided to do mine on the assault course.

On the assault course, nice.

I like what you've done there. Are you feeling confident, Edward?

-I'm feeling young, that's the other problem, I don't feel retired, so let's give it a go.

-OK.

KLAXON

OK, here comes the jump...and then the fall.

Bank the drone, but straight into the drink.

So far, so good.

Come on, all that time on his hands,

he's bound to have spent it getting fit. He hasn't.

-Oh, he's break dancing!

-ZOE LAUGHS

-I like it!

-ASHLEY LAUGHS

So no trip to New York, but, as Moses says...

you bank the tablet.

The thing about Edward is... he's just so graceful.

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

Come on!

-Come on!

-EDWARD WHIMPERS

Come on!

I think we'll be sticking at two children.

BOTH LAUGH

I don't care!

I missed the touchpad?!

No, you haven't, Ed,

and having conquered the Beam and banked a food mixer,

it's the Slide.

It is a race, Ed, so maybe wave at the bottom when it's all finished.

There he goes.

And he cleaned up.

So, shy and very much retiring Ed banked five prizes with a time of...

I look in the mirror and I see an 18-year-old, good-looking man,

-but he's not as fit as he looks in the mirror.

-Not as fit as he looks.

Well, I seem to remember you saying something like two kids is enough

once you'd done the Pole Vault.

Any aspirations of a third child have probably drifted away.

-It's probably for the best.

-LAUGHTER

Ed's not the only person who left a piece of himself at the Pole Vault.

Just listen to what these people thought.

What a horrible thing that is.

-Impossible.

-Impossible?

Really scary, really scary.

-Mental.

-It's terrifying.

Oh, my God. This is so scary!

Oh, dear me!

How deep is that?

Oh, my God.

Ah, man. This looks a bit high.

Contestants tried all sorts of ways to get across,

but my personal favourites were the sliders.

Like Bethany.

BETHANY SCREAMS

MUSIC: Guaglione by Perez Prado

She kind of just slid down it!

The pole punchers like Paul...

Come on.

Ahh...oh.

Oh!

PAUL SCREAMS

You can tell by his face that it hardly hurt at all.

The pinballers like Amy...

Charge!

Amy should definitely go one up for a spectacular combo shot.

There are the acrobats like James.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Wheee! Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Upside down.

-He went in upside down.

Quite the gymnast.

Alexander had an ingenious idea.

Oh! This is a new one!

Oh, that is a lot further than I thought.

ASHLEY AND ZOE LAUGH

But without question, my personal preference for outstanding

pole performance goes to Richard.

Oh.

RICHARD ROARS

HE GROANS

A huge thank you to all the contestants on Can't Touch This,

who showed us that with strength...

-Oh, my God!

-Whoa!

-So close!

-ZOE SHOUTS

..determination...

Go on, Laura. Go on, Laura.

Oh.

..and a whole lot of gumption...

Oh, she got through!

..some things are still quite impossible.

Except for our lifeguard who did it on his tea break.

So, how hard could it have been, really?

THEY CHEER

Time now for a double dose of unseen footage from the pilot.

Let's go to Becky versus Yasmin.

Two of our most competitive contestants.

Look up "competitive" in the dictionary

and you'll see their faces. No, seriously.

I've got a dictionary right here. Let me have a look. FLICKS THROUGH PAGES

Oh! This one doesn't have any pictures in it. Publishing(!)

So, Becky, do you have any hobbies?

You play the trumpet, the harmonica, the ukulele

and you want to learn the foot tambourine

so you can be a one-man band?

-Yes.

-Is this true?

-That's what I want.

NEEDLE SKIPS I'm a fan of the knee flute myself.

-Horn under the armpit, as well.

-Oh, why not?

Yasmin, on the other hand, has a donkey called Teddy.

This is going to be very hard to call.

STARTING BUZZER

And they're off.

Yasmin up and quickly down.

Ah, but she's not out.

Almost out.

Come on, you can do it.

I believe in you!

Oh, dear.

No prizes and two penalties already.

Becky meanwhile is assembling

the drum kit for her first solo performance.

SHE YELLS

That heavy, Becky?

It's so heavy!

Just warming up the vocal cords, there.

You can do it!

-Yes!

-Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Come on!

Will she bank her first prize?

You can do it.

And, yes! Tablet in the bank.

Yes! Woohoo!

And it's a tablet for Yasmin, too.

But can she conquer the Wall of Doom?

-Oh-h-h... Oh!

-Oh!

Good face plant from Yasmin.

Oh, it's like poetry.

With a...final violent rhyming couplet.

MUSIC: The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss II

-Oh!

-Oh!

Now Becky's at the Pole Vault.

Good, tight grip there...

-I can't watch.

-I'm nervous. This is the bit.

..which she seems to let go of almost immediately.

That's a shame.

Maybe Yasmin will do better.

Great frogs' legs.

Bad finish.

Is it wrong that I find this very relaxing?

The Beam now, and Yasmin is making it look easy.

It's almost as if she's forgotten that punchbags are there.

Oh, that jogged her memory.

At least she banked her food mixer.

Very nice landing. Perfect.

Becky, the waitress, is opting for the mad-dash technique.

So far, so concussed.

She's banked the mixer and now on the move again.

-How many fingers am I holding up, love?

-One!

It'll take more than a punch bag to the face to stop Becky.

She banks a smartphone.

She stops the clock and banks a dishwasher with a time of

four minutes, 49 seconds, after penalties.

The things were hitting us on the head. I didn't fall over.

I'm used to being knocked on the head with people holding trays.

-Wow, part of getting whacked in the head, as a waitress?

-Part of my daily life.

Yasmin at the Slide now. And...come on.

Oh, she missed it by a cat's whisker.

But she does take a dishwasher and her final time,

including penalties, 5.47.

That was so hard. That was so hard.

-Harder than you thought?

-Yeah, a lot harder than I thought.

Time for our first honourable mention.

The punniest run goes to Jeff, who loves animals and is an avid angler.

But did Ashley and Zoe talk about any of that? No!

They just made fish puns.

This is going to be very difficult "cod" those little blocks are very slippery.

-Cod those?

-You see?

-You see what I did there? Cod's a fish.

-Can he get a perch...?

-..on the top of there? Perch is a fish.

-Very nice. Perch.

-Oh, perch is a fish?

-Yeah.

Oh...

..trying to work in Dr Eelgood but that's...it's just not...

-It's not happening.

-It's not the plaice for it.

All right.

-Let's see if he can tackle the bream.

-OK.

Oh, you're on fire!

I didn't catch that one...

I'm hard of herring.

-Stuck in the deep blue.

-He's had a whale of a time.

He's like a fish out of water in that foam.

-Give me a hug, give me a hug, come on.

-Oh, change your tuna!

I'm sorry.

Oh, Jeff.

He's haddock enough. I'm out of them.

If you can think of any more fish puns,

let minnow, or e-mail [email protected].

Time now for another honourable mention - this is Joe.

He is officially the fastest man of the series. Watch and be amazed.

Fling him!

Watch him fly.

He did a girlie yelp.

Jammy Joe at the Travelator and, boom, back to trampoline.

-I like his style.

-Oh, wow.

-Yes! Woohoo.

-What are those?

-Boom.

Bagged a cross-trainer, too.

Did he? Oh, big surprise.

-And the Wall Of Doom didn't slow him down.

-Joe, can you make it?

Oh, strength.

-Anyone can do this Pole Vault.

-If he does this I'll be so happy.

I might cry.

-Oh, so unlucky.

-Oh! Not a bad attempt.

-But he kept his head above water.

-Yeah.

-Very classy.

Joe on the beam.

Misses the first three.

Oh. Nope.

Oh, pushing his luck there.

Not the cleanest of touches, but they all count.

Just two touch points left for a full house.

Did he bank both prizes?

Of course he did.

And he banked the camera and stopped the clock with a ridiculously

fast time of two minutes and 13 seconds.

Dynamite.

-Thank you very much.

-Not bad. And good time.

If you don't go through, I'll eat my hat. I'll eat your hat. Well done.

Thank you. Thank you very much, cheers.

This is Sarah, who gets an honourable mention

for the loudest run.

I said the loudest.

SHE SCREAMS

Yep, that's both eardrums gone.

SHE SCREAMS

Quiet as a jackhammer.

SHE GASPS

SHE SCREAMS

How do you feel about that?

SHE SCREAMS

She likes it.

Gary gets a mention for the most painful run.

HE YELLS

-It's not an easy watch.

-Go on. Yes.

He's going to have a bit of a bruised bum.

Bet that hurts in the morning.

Luckily for him, Gary's body had an awful lot of...give.

Oh.

# Real slow, I'll let it go

# I'm so excited I just can't hide it... #

Please, Lord...

let the horror end.

And the honourable mention for the shortest run

goes to Eddie.

I'd like to thank Eddie personally.

We broke for lunch early that day. I had the croquettes.

Honourable mention to Darren Dunwell,

the winner of our pilot episode.

Look at that monstrous hat we made him wear!

If you want to win a costume design Bafta, you have to go there.

Dunwell's his name. It's also a lovely bit of foreshadowing.

Banked the drone.

And down and up straightaway for a trip to New York.

Banked.

Darren is so good, he even had time for a little sit down there.

Ooh, Dunwell done poorly!

Stack 'Em High didn't slow him down.

The Pole Vault.

What's he got?

No, no, no. Oh!

Ooooh!

Not a bad attempt!

Very canny there on The Beam.

-Oh!

-So crafty! That is a great technique.

No penalties so far.

Two more touch points now for a perfect, perfect score.

Oh, and he's missed them both!

But he didn't miss this. Yes!

Darren, thank you for being our guinea pig.

Give that man a car.

Also, honorary shout out to the people who entertained us

with their useless talents.

Like Mickey.

HE WHISTLES

-That's pretty loud.

-And Dan.

I can't touch this.

What? Two third legs and one third body?

I'll finish this with clinical pre...er, finesse.

-Almost.

-Almost, yeah.

LAUGHTER

I knew what I wanted to say, as well!

And Roxy.

# Window the in doggie That is much how?

# Tail waggly the with one the? #

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?, sung backwards!

And this is Carl from our pilot.

His useless talent is touching celebrities' underwear. What?

I used to work in Canada.

I used to work in a hotel over there on my gap year.

John Travolta came into my hotel,

and I used to look after his room for a bit.

-And I cleared away his laundry and stuff, and...

-Yeah.

-Yeah, and...

Yeah. It all went to laundry. I didn't want any of that.

-So you're not wearing it?

-No.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: Greased Lightnin'

And he's off to a flying start with a drone banked,

and still on his feet, he runs for it.

That's New York banked. Carl's wearing his lucky underpants.

There Charlize Theron's. Apparently she's livid.

Wanted to wear them to the Independent Spirit Awards.

Couldn't find them in the drawer.

He's flying round the course!

Could Stack 'Em High slow him down?

No!

Now, most people baulk at the Wall Of Doom, but not Carl.

Can anything stop this man?

Yes.

He's only gone and broken our pole!

Jet is going to be furious when I get home.

We didn't keep the receipt for that, Carl, and we were out of warranty.

Thanks for nothing!

Carl managing there to avoid the punchbags.

A lot of effort for a kitchen mixer, isn't it?

We don't show this bit on Bake Off.

Come on, Carl, be quick. Just a slight left.

This is a fast run from Carl!

Down he goes.

Oh, and banked the smartphone. Magic stuff.

Lands on his feet, stops the clock, and banks a dishwasher.

With no time penalties and a time of two minutes and 57 seconds,

Carl went round the course like his pants were on fire.

They're not his pants.

You are on fire!

You are... The determination in you was absolutely incredible.

First of all, on the Travelator, you weren't giving up - both prizes.

-Trip to New York, banked.

-Oh!

-Yeah, he's happy about that.

-Let's hear it for Carl.

-Thank you.

-Good work.

Even The Beam couldn't beat our Carl.

The same couldn't be said for everyone.

Did you know that all the bags were designed to specifically target

the five types of Can't Touch This contestants?

Punchbag one is for the oblivious.

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh!

Punchbag two is for the noncommitters.

Ooooh!

Oh, she's gone!

The third punchbag was for the panickers.

Nicely done. Nicely...

That beam literally KO'd her there. Gosh.

Punchbag four was for the, um...

Oh, what was it again?

Oh, nearly took the legs out!

Um... Forgetful!

And the fifth punchbag was for the overconfident.

Which punchbag knocked off the most people?

Well, let's find out.

MUSIC: Don't Stop Me Now By Queen

No!

Oh!

She's gone.

Nooo!

Oh, no!

Oh, yay!

Oooh!

Argh!

Keep nice and low.

-Oooh.

-Good work.

Ooooh!

-No!

-Oh, he gets it all the way down!

-No!

No, no!

Lost The Beam!

No!

Nooo!

-Ooooh!

-Oh!

-Oh, so close!

-Holding her breath there.

I know, just in case she went!

Gosh. Oh, my gosh! Aaaah!

And the punchbag that knocked down the most contestants is...

punchbag number four.

I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible.

My mum, my dad...

Of the multitude of people who took part in round one,

only the sixth fastest from each episode could progress

to the next level, which is why it was really important

to stop the clock by touching the last touch point.

No! Bank the headphones! Bank the headphones!

Don't forget the headphones!

Touch the end!

LAUGHTER

Don't want to miss the last one!

What's he doing in the pool?

Confused.

HE PANTS

Mate.

There's one more.

LAUGHTER

No worries.

And some of them touched it with their face.

As if this course wasn't hard enough.

So, it was only the sixth fastest from each episode

that made it through to round two.

Those who made it through to round two were hoping that they

could survive long enough to jump for a reasonably priced hatchback.

But first, they had to clamber over Clamber Crossing.

These folks were the best of the best.

The fastest, the smartest, the most agile.

So what happened here, then?

Oh, I'm dizzy just watching them. Actually, set them on their way.

Your wish is my command. Cue the klaxon!

KLAXON

All right! Ah!

Oh!

Oh, no! Go on. Yes, yes!

Ow!

Oh, mamma mia.

Oh, that's got to hurt.

Yes, go for the, um...

No, no, not the... The other one.

Yes! No, the other!

Oh. SHE GROANS

We lost a lot of good people at Clamber Crossing.

Some of them didn't even know how to sit down.

Oh!

As I said, best of the best.

The Rings and the Foam.

One of the weaker Harry Potter films.

You don't want to land in that. How to get across?

Well, there were the crawlers.

Last out the chair, but doing well.

That's them crawling there.

We had the sliders...

who were essentially just lower-down crawlers.

And then this lot did this.

WHOOPING

Follow me! Follow me!

-Oh, my gosh!

-He is unbelievable!

I'll level with you - that worked better for some than others.

Look, Mum, no hands!

Well done!

Arrrgh!

The Dropping Ropes.

Remember Ian?

Well, he blazed through it.

Good rope, bad rope?

-Bad rope for Mahala.

-Oh, bad one.

Ian starts with a good rope, which means,

-if this rope's a goody, too, he's across.

-Look at that!

Mahala just... Oh!

But how would that look done incorrectly multiple times?

From a variety of angles?

And at different speeds?

Answered my own question.

It was carnage.

Whoa!

It was messy.

SHE YELLS

But good sportsmanship won out every time.

-Yeah!

-Come on!

-All right, boys?

Well, almost every time.

Nice try!

Spin Mountain - what to say about Spin Mountain?

The more discerning viewer will notice it spins,

and vaguely resembles the shape of a mountain.

This slippy spinning cylindrical elevation is the ultimate test.

For a cameraman.

But it's here that we found our winners.

Yummy daddy Lewis from Cardiff,

screaming Sarah from Lisburn,

sandy Andy,

Nathan the boy racer,

rocket man Gavin,

Brighton B-boy Muhala,

Richard, who kept it simple, stupid,

Ben the verminator,

and jammy Joe. These were our worthy winners

and they all got to play for their banked prices on the Travelator.

They could choose to play single-handed...

..or double handed.

Or ever so slightly short-handed.

And as if all that wasn't enough,

the next thing they know is they're up here.

-Ashley, stop it.

-Just a little one here, ready, look.

SHE LAUGHS

Ashley!

Trying to touch...that.

One jump.

One car.

One chance.

And one heck of a long way down.

KLAXON

HE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

CHEERING

Come on!

So, as the glitter settles on the first series of Can't Touch This,

it's time to say goodbye...

Hang on! This series isn't over

until the '80s boyband fan

from London sings his weirdly concocted song about the show.

Take it away, you legend, Paul.

# It's so hot, can't touch this

# Big prizes you can win

# So hot, can't touch this so let the games begin! #

# So hot, can't touch this! I'm going to raise the bar

# So hot, can't touch this...

# And win a brand-new car! #

Oh, look, he's writing the lyrics as he goes.

Give me an O, give me an E, what have we got?

Chloe!

-She's not that type of cheerleader.

-On your own!

-Yeah!

-I love it!

Oh, very nice.

I might bust out a little...

Bust out a little robot? Oh, I'm excited for this one.

# So hot! Can't touch this, big prizes you can win.

# So hot! Can't touch this, let the games begin. #

-Oh, look, we've got a little shimmy.

-Yeah, little shimmy.

He's like Tigger.

He's trying to pole dance.

# Jen's got the flag, she's got the funk, yeah. #

Oh! Oh, me dicky hip.

# With Ashley and Zoe we're gonna have a ball... #

It's not like that. Stop!

That's good. Is there more?

-Yeah, there is.

-All right, OK.

# I parachuted into foam and climbin' a ten-foot wall. #

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

-I love this man.

-Sorry.

-That's good.

So, that was it. Series one in the bag.

Don't touch anything while we're gone.

Have I got to sit in here until that?

Have I? Why has everyone left?

Hello? Hello!

Hello!