Episode 9 Can't Touch This

One rule - touch the prize, win the prize.

But doing that takes a whole load of this...

SIREN BLARES

..a ridiculous amount of this...

..and absolutely masses of this.

MAN SCREAMS

This...

is Can't Touch This!

Hello, and welcome to Can't Touch This.

-I'm Zoe Ball.

-And I'm Ashley Banjo.

And right now, our gargantuan Can't Touch This course is

spotlessly clean, pristine, and untouched by human hands.

But shortly, an awful lot of human hands will be

entering its domain and attempting to do plenty of touching as

they battle to win some fantastic prizes,

including a brand-new car.

Yes, our cleaners might not like it, but we love it.

As does our co-host and commentator, Sue Perkins,

whose first duty is to introduce tonight's Can't Touch This

crew of contestants.

Sue, over to you.

Yes, let's meet tonight's contestants.

They are brave, they are bold,

they're heavily sedated.

Tonight, these mighty warriors will attempt to make their families,

if not their country, proud.

Within their ranks we have

a marine biologist from Devon who's easily startled,

a violinist from London who likes to point at her missing violin,

and a bearded biker.

He can do what he likes. Would you argue with him?

They are all hoping they can touch this tonight.

And it starts here.

The catapult sends our contestants on a short

but exhilarating flight into a foam pit.

Then it's on to the travelator.

They borrowed this one from my bathroom.

High above is the first touch-point.

Touch it and bank a romantic trip to Paris,

which is French for Paris.

Also on the travelator, touch-point 2,

which banks a set of four mountain bikes,

which is French for four mountain bikes.

But one foul step on the travelator and you'll be in the drink.

Then it's a short trip to Stack Em High.

Just build a tower to reach touch-point number 3

and bank a laptop,

just like the one you're watching this on.

Then take the mighty pole across the water to the beam.

Dodge the swinging punch bags to reach the fourth touch-point

and bank a very fancy tablet.

You'll need tablets if those hit you.

Next, it's down the slide to the two swinging touch-points.

They bank you a suitcase and some garden furniture

because you never know when you may need to pack your garden furniture.

The last touch-point stops the clock and banks a coffee machine,

because that's exactly what your heart needs at the end of this -

caffeine.

Each touch-point they miss, they get a 30-second penalty.

And whoever gets through to the end of the show

gets the chance to win what they have banked.

Don't blame me. I normally do documentaries.

We are just moments away from the start of Round 1.

Which means we are even fewer moments away

from discovering who is up first.

Let's find out.

First up is Gary from Glasgow.

He wants to open his own art gallery.

Gary, you're an art enthusiast,

so paint us a picture of how your performance is going to go tonight.

Well, I'm hopefully going to have a performance

that's a masterpiece this evening, Zoe.

-Ah, no less.

-No less.

That's what we expect from you.

-Off to the catapult. Good luck.

-Thank you.

The artist formerly known as Gary in the catapult there.

Will he have a brush with death?

That's an art joke. I'm here for an hour.

Start the clock!

SIREN BLARES, GARY SHOUTS

MUSIC: Ooh Aah... Just a Little Bit by Gina G

Well, he's out of the foam and onto the travelator.

The first touch-point banks a trip to Paris.

Go on, yes!

-Ooh!

-Ooh! He's going to have a bit of a bruised bum.

Louvre-ly! Well done!

Oh, my bloody God!

LAUGHTER

The second touch-point banks a set of four mountain bikes.

Although, it might be two tandems. Not sure.

Bye!

Well, he probably couldn't ride a bike now,

even if he did win one.

Stack Em High. This third touch-point banks the computer.

All Gary needs to do is build a tower to touch it.

MUSIC: Macarena by Los Del Rio

Oh, thank God!

In the bank!

And now to climb the admittedly melodramatic

Wall of Doom!

DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH

Mmm, coincidence. That's the ring tone for my ex.

I've got no...

Gary taking a minimalist approach here.

Don't give up yet.

Yes, yes. Yes.

Yes, thank you.

MUSIC: Witch Doctor by Cartoons

-Oh!

-Look at that.

Loving your sculpture, Gary.

Thank you.

-Modern art, darling.

-Modern art!

Truly a masterstroke.

He's triumphed over the wall, but now faces the pole vault.

Oh, come on!

Now, I don't know art, but I know what I like...

I'm going to fall.

And I don't like that.

Well done, Gary!

You all right?

I'm fine.

"I'm fine!"

Ah, Gary, you're amazing.

Gary's onto the beam. Isn't that a pretty picture?

The touch-point is just underneath the beam

and it banks a fancy tablet.

MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) By The Proclaimers

Oh, he's got it!

Oh, no!

Ooh, that punch bag nearly took his ear off...

Van Gogh joke.

I don't have much to work with here.

Oh, this is horrible!

Please, Lord, let the horror end!

Lucky for him, it nearly has.

The only thing between Gary and the end of the course

is a giant slide and two swinging touch-points

which bank a suitcase and the garden furniture.

Though, I imagine the last thing on his mind right now

is jazzing up the patio.

And he's got the suitcase!

Stops the clock and banks the coffee machine.

You done well. You banked yourself a trip to Paris,

laptop, tablet, garden furniture, and coffee machine.

But I don't actually get them now, do I?

-No.

-I have to win them.

-You've got to win them later on.

-He knows the rules.

-You swines.

Thank you, Gary, for the well-timed explanation.

We add two 30-second penalties, one for each touch-point missed,

giving the Artist formerly known as Gary a grand total

of 6 minutes, 23 seconds.

Next up is Nick, whose interests include ruling the galaxy.

Nick, you're a huge Star Wars fan.

The end of Round 1 is far, far away. Do you think you'll make it?

I'm going all the way to the dark side.

Oh, fantastic. OK.

Well, may the course be with you.

-Off to the catapult.

-Thank you.

-I know, I'm sorry.

Cue the royalty-free music.

STAR WARS-LIKE MUSIC

-IMITATES DARTH VADER:

-Darth Griffin launches...

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

-Sorry.

Darth Griffin launches like a laser from the Death Star.

-Boom!

-Trooper.

He Jar Jar banks it.

Oh! Look at that running.

That is like Daniel Craig Bond running.

Mm, the Dark Side is strong with this one.

Let's see if we can find a Jedi princess to battle him.

No, not a wookie.

Oh, that's more like it.

Say hello to Kate, a business owner from Little Hampton.

She has three kids, loves netball, but forget all of that

because she's going to pretend she's a flying Princess Leia.

SHE SCREECHES

Sounds a little bit like angry Chewbacca.

HE IMITATES CHEWBACCA

For the mountain bikes and...

Ooh, no.

Ooh.

Kate...

-Kate...

-Come on.

Use the force, Kate.

Yes!

That was amazing!

-She deserves those mountain bikes.

-Ah, Kate, you are my hero.

She worked hard for them.

Meanwhile, in the Stack Em High Quadrant,

they both bank a laptop.

-Ah!

-Ooh!

The path of the Jedi is apparently just up over the Wall Of Doom.

-OK, ready?

-Go.

-IMITATES YODA:

-Do well on this course he must,

to win the car he will.

Yes!

I've always wanted to do Yoda on telly.

Oh, man!

Where's the Millennium Falcon when you need it?

Yeah...

not down there.

Right, Nick at the pole now.

MUSIC STOPS

Pain, he must feel.

-Now the beam.

-SOUND OF LIGHTSABERS SWISHING

I see the sound effects guys have brought their toys in.

It's like Christmas for them.

Yes!

Yes, he done it!

And yes! Jedi Kate clears the beam!

She's good, she's good, she's good, she's good, she's good.

-IMITATES DARTH VADER:

-Your evilness

has clouded your judgment, Darth Griffin.

Into the foam pit with you.

-No!

-Boo! After all that!

Right, this is it.

If Jedi Kate can get those two swinging touch-points,

she will save the galaxy. No pressure.

OK. Guess the galaxy's going to have to wait.

She stops the clock with a time of 6.23, including penalties.

And the empire strikes back, Nick banks the suitcase,

defeats his foe and clocks a well-earned time

of 4.27, including penalties.

Nick, how was that for you?

That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

-Ah! That's freezing!

-It's freezing cold, isn't it?

-It's really cold.

Now, Heera has a secret and he doesn't want us to mention it.

And, of course, the thing you can count on us for

is absolute discretion.

Now, Heera, I've heard a careless whisper

that your guilty pleasure is a little bit of George Michael.

I was wishing you didn't say that.

Ashley obviously didn't get that e-mail.

Time to Wham your way through the course, Heera.

MUSIC: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham!

Heera he comes!

And there he goes.

Oh, that was a good dunk!

Someone really wants those bikes.

There's so many of them, you could set up a shop.

No mountain bikes for Heera.

Do you know any George Michael songs?

Touch a different corner and we never would have met.

-Is that a George Michael song?

-Yeah. Yeah.

Different Corner - it's like a proper smoochy one.

It's one of my favourites.

Ah, this is one of my favourites.

-Yes!

-Boom!

-Laptop.

Laptop there for Heera.

Now the Wall Of Doom.

Gotta have faith, Heera.

Also, upper body strength helps.

MUSIC: Faith by George Michael

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh, yes. Can he?

-Go on.

-Come on, Heera.

-Use the big bit of cheese.

-Leg up, leg up.

Oh. Oh, so close. Oh, this is frustrating.

I think he can do it. Can he do it? Can he do it?

So while we're holding on for a Heera,

let's have a look at Fiona.

She likes playing in the water.

-Now, Fiona, you have a degree in marine biology.

-I do.

Are you going to be all at sea today?

I think I'm probably going to be

like a fish out of water, to be honest.

More like a fish straight out of a catapult.

Which is exactly where we find her.

Wonder if she'll find any signs of life down there.

At least she'll be able to name them, classify them.

Oh, she's been regurgitated by the foam pit.

MUSIC: Under The Sea from The Little Mermaid

Now, the trip to Paris is just within reach.

Trip to Paris!

-Yeah!

-Oh la la!

That's going to smart!

Oh, no. She's in the water.

Oh, possibly happy about that.

Now the small matter of four mountain bikes.

SHE SHRIEKS

Quick dolphin impression there from Fiona.

Just reminding us of her credentials.

Fiona floated straight to the top of Stack Em High

and banked the tablet.

We know she has no fear of water, but what about the massive pole?

Straight down it.

Any signs of marine life down there, Fiona?

I'm an octopus.

I think that's concussion.

Let's go back to Heera.

Mm, go back to Fiona.

Fiona's on the beam.

Cue Jaws-type music.

JAWS-TYPE MUSIC

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

Wow!

-She's going to have to get flat. Get...!

-Oh!

Oh, she gets it!

She gets it again and again

right on the tush.

Just the slide now into water

or 'the office', as she calls it.

And our little mermaid banks the suitcase and the garden furniture,

and stops the clock at 6.37, including penalties.

Your technique on the travelator there was awesome.

You weren't giving up, you did go splat.

You did a nice head-first into the water,

but you did manage to bank the trip to Paris.

Oh!

Meanwhile...

HE SCREAMS

..Heera is having a tough time of it.

MUSIC: Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me by Elton John

He's Whammed.

He banks the suitcase... Just got time for a quick back stroke.

And with a time of 6.16, including penalties,

I bet he's glad that song is over.

I thought you'd forgotten the last touch-point there for a moment.

-That is hard.

-It is so hard, isn't it?

-Oh!

-Yeah.

-Did you enjoy any of it?

Eh...

Here comes Fireman Stu.

He once won the prestigious title of London's Fittest Firefighter.

I've got the calendar.

Stuart, you came first in a competition to find

London's fittest firefighter.

So, are you all fired up for tonight?

Yeah, that was a long time ago, Ashley, to be fair,

but, hopefully, I've still got what it takes

to set the course on fire and burn it up.

We'll do the jokes, Stu.

Eventually.

Oh! So, one of London's fittest firemen.

I've got high hopes for him.

And it's a speedy start for Fireman Stu. He's on fire!

Boom! Trip to Paris banked

and the bikes, too.

See? What did I tell you? Easy.

MUSIC: Disco Inferno by The Trammps

Onto Stack Em High.

Just imagine there's a stranded cat up there, Stu.

Would you let him save you from a burning building, Zoe?

Oh, yes, I would.

Fireman Stu hardly even noticed the wall.

It's almost like you've come across walls before, Stu.

Now, surely a fireman can handle a pole.

Oh! You've let your profession down.

He's had a lot of practice at that.

Fireman Stu fired up, out of the water and onto the beam.

-Ooh!

-Ooh! Look at that!

A fantastic effort and no massive punch bag

can extinguish that flame.

Oh, look at that. Banked the tablet.

MUSIC: Relight My Fire by Take That

Apart from that massive punch bag.

Let's see what his ladder work is like.

Excellent.

Look at that. That's how firemen do it.

He's quicker up the ladder than most people are across the beam.

Good time here from Stu.

He's banked them both. Great effort, Fireman Stu.

Hope we didn't put you out.

As he stops the clock with a time of 2.38, including penalties.

Stuart, you are on fire. All the prizes banked for you.

Out of everything, what excites you the most?

-The trampoline and the garden furniture.

-OK.

Cos we need both. My little girl will love the trampoline.

-Oh, fantastic. Poppy, isn't he cool?

-Poppy.

-Your dad's amazing.

-Nice ladder work there.

-Thank you very much.

-OK, well done.

I thought Zoe spent more time with him than the others.

Anyway, let's go to the Round 1 leaderboard.

Amazing work by Fireman Stu with top spot and a blazing time of 2.38.

Meanwhile, our Little Mermaid Fiona

sinks to the bottom with 6.37.

Still to come on Can't Touch This,

a cheerleader, a boy racer, a yogi

and, holy game show, that lad's big!

Will any of them make the top six and go on to leap for that car?

This is Sophie. She's a classical musician.

And this is Michael. He's a classic rock musician.

I know what you're thinking.

You're wondering which style of music is better on the pole.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

MUSIC: Dueling Banjos by Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell

Assuming actually they make it to the pole, that is.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh! Classic pole. My...

Ooh!

SHE CHUCKLES

Michael's next. Lovely frog's legs.

Ah! Ah!

-You all right, Michael?

-Yeah, good.

-A tiny bit winded.

-A little bit winded, but it's...

And I may never have children.

I think we'll call that a no-score draw. No winners here.

Sophie doesn't make the cut at 9.49,

but music man Michael's on the leaderboard with 5.23.

How did you find the pole, guys?

-Slightly sore.

-Slightly sore.

Maybe a little bit winded from the pole vault?

Very slightly, yeah.

-I think it's just when you're so wet.

-Yes.

It's so slippery and your muscles are, like, gone already.

Your muscles must be quite strong from playing the violin

-and holding up... I imagine you're...

-Only one.

-Oh, just the one side.

-Just the right arm.

Meet Nathan.

He feels the need,

the need for speed.

Nathan, you love a bit of Formula 1,

so what's your formula for getting through our course?

Speed is a big thing, so let's go out there and smash it.

KLAXON

NATHAN SCREAMS

It's up there in my top five favourite catapult entrances.

Definitely. He stayed seated the whole way.

-Go on, Nathan.

-Right, here we go, Formula 1 speed.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Look at him!

Ooh, he's up, he's down, he's up, he's down.

Once had a pair of culottes like that.

Oh!

-I like it!

-Boom!

-Wow!

Banked the mountain bike.

He's on his feet.

The Boy Racer's going to make the leap!

Oh...

SCREECHING AND BANGING

Well, that's one way to get a flat stomach.

Nathan is burning rubber, giving Fireman Stu a run for his money.

Really motoring through it. Look at him. Look at that!

Banked himself a laptop.

Good old reliable Nathan.

Oh! Look at that.

Oh, my goodness.

Nathan's now in pole position.

MUSIC: Greased Lightning

Oooh!

Oh, and a very painful pole position.

That was about four different impacts.

-Face...

-Boomf, boomf, boomf, boomf!

-..area.

He might need a pit stop after this. That was like one of them cartoons,

-he was getting hit from all angles. Boomf, boomf...

-Whack, boom!

Right. High beams on. Here goes the Boy Racer.

How did he manage that?

Banks a tablet and a sponsorship deal.

He might just be the Lewis Hamilton of our course.

Fastest lap so far and only the slide left.

Oh, no, missed both touch-points

and Nathan races past the finishing line

-with a time of 3:17 after penalties.

-KLAXON

Do you think you've done enough to get yourself into pole position?

Hopefully. Obviously I didn't touch the last two so

hopefully I've made good enough time to get through to the second stage.

A seriously good effort, I really enjoyed that.

I think one of my favourites. Brilliant!

I'm not allowed favourites. Completely impartial. Well done.

Zoe spent quite a bit of time with him too.

I'm noticing a pattern here.

Can anyone hold a candle to fiery Fireman Stu?

Well, not yet.

Boy Racer Nathan takes second place, Music Man Michael takes fourth,

and The Artist formerly known as Gary slips to the bottom spot.

This peace-loving mum from Manchester is Jen.

Jen once performed gymnastics for the Queen.

Who hasn't?! She didn't ask me.

Jen, you've recently taken up yoga. Namaste.

Do you think the course might be a bit of stretch for you today?

Ah-ha-ha, Zoe, yo-got me there.

Oh. So good, boom!

And enough of that.

Gymnastic Jen banked the trip to Paris, and a nice restful bath.

There she goes.

But she's right back at it.

Come on, Jen!

She's just liquidized her thighs.

While Jen's meditating on her next moves,

let's meet Sarah, a 28-year-old from Essex

who's obsessed with a saucier form of gymnastic exercise.

Not that.

-Sarah, you go to pole dancing classes for fitness.

-I do.

It's very difficult stuff. I've tried it before in the past.

Keep that a secret. So, we've got our own pole.

-Are you looking forward to having a dance on it?

-The difference

between that pole and the pole that I do is the fact that it moves.

Really? If that's the only difference then you're doing

some very exotic pole dancing. Launch it!

KLAXON

-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, she's a screamer.

SCREAM REPEATS

Let's give our party-loving Polecat something to dance to.

MUSIC: Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode

Ooof!

-Paris!

-Trip to Paris.

Along with a face plant.

Now Sarah is a mad keen cyclist

and nothing on this earth is going to stop her getting those bikes.

Oh, well.

She's already got a bike. Probably.

Things seem kind of more peaceful with yoga-loving Jen.

That's the wobbly toddler pose, I believe.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

-Come on, Jen.

-Go on, Jen.

-Come on.

-She can do, she can do it. Go on, a little,

a little sort of jumpy bump.

Go.

-Boom!

-Woohoo!

-You do a bit of yoga, don't you?

-I've done a bit of yoga in my time.

You have? Oh, yeah, show us a move. Do the tree.

MUSIC: Vogue by Madonna

Nice. Oh, look at that.

Oh, yeah, look. It's not bad.

I went to Pilates once.

I love the Greek Islands.

Now, Jen, come over here, show us how it's done.

Oh, that's right, sorry,

you're in the middle of a televised assault course. Carry on.

There we go.

And now for Sarah's moment in the sun.

I've been looking forward to this. I don't mind telling you.

She is, after all, an expert on the pole.

MUSIC: We Found Love by Rihanna

-This is your moment.

-It's a pole of a different kind.

-Show us what you can do with a pole.

-Any moves you want to show us,

Sarah, then we'll all be very impressed.

If anyone can do the pole it's...

Not you.

I don't know that I'd pay to see that.

Back to Jen on the pole...

It's all good.

MUSIC: We Got The Funk by Positive Force

SHE MUTTERS

# Jen's got the funk

# She's got the funk, yeah. #

Right, here we go, the pole vault.

-Oh...

-Come on, Jen!

Ooh.

Seems like we're having a bit of bother today with the water.

Give her minute, everyone, give her a minute.

I think it might be time for...

PIANO PLAYS

Having trouble on the Can't Touch This Course?

Odds are you've spent some time in the water.

Luckily, you can count on Sue to help you wade your way through.

I'm Sue.

Firstly and most importantly, don't get wet in the first place.

Water is slippery...

SHE SCREAMS

..and it's cold...

Oh, my God!

Oh, that's freezing!

The water is freezing, definitely.

..and disorientating.

But if you do get wet, here are some important things to remember.

Don't land head first.

Don't breathe in the water.

Don't let it dampen your resolve to win.

And do it in style, because, when you're wet,

you better believe we'll replay it in slow motion.

Keep these tips in mind next time

you're on a high-impact television assault course,

and you might just come home dry.

I mean, it's unlikely but you might.

Now, let's get you out of those wet things.

Jen and Sarah couldn't make the leaderboard,

and Fireman Stu's still on top of the pole.

All of which means The Artist formerly known as Gary

is the one to beat.

Is Chloe up to the challenge?

Chloe, you are a gymnastic cheerleading coach.

So, at the end of this course, are you going to be cheering

-and more importantly leading?

-I hope that I'm going to be cheering.

I hope I'm going to be doing both all the way down the slide.

Oh, I hope so! Let's skip ahead and find out if she does.

-Where's the remote?

-MUSIC: Benny Hill Theme

MUSIC: Chariots Of Fire Theme

Oh, my, that's a graceful jump. Sorry, distracted there.

MUSIC: Benny Hill Theme

I tell you what, for a petite girl she's got some reach.

-Yes!

-What a technique, she's got something banked.

Stop, stop, stop! Look!

Look at the size of that thing she's lifting!

It's astounding. Right, we can carry on.

Over the pole, and onto the beam...

..and...

ZOE GASPS

MUSIC: The Washington Post March by John Philip Sousa

That was quite a fall, wasn't it?

And here's the moment we've all been waiting for.

MUSIC: The Stars And Stripes Forever by John Philip Sousa

What? No cheer?

I feel cheated.

KLAXON

Chloe, how did you find that?

That was so tough, it's just so cold...

-Come in, come in.

-..and you can't breathe properly.

-Use my warmth.

-Thank you.

-Do you think you've done enough

to get through to the next round?

I don't know, I'll just have to wait and see.

Oh, and Chloe wishes she'd pressed fast forward.

Her final time of 7:13 knocks her out of contention.

This bad boy is Steve.

He has a beard and also lots of tattoos. Bad!

Squaring up against him is Andy.

He has one of those stubbly beards, but also lots of tattoos.

Semi-bad.

It's a battle of Beard vs Designer Stubble.

I've got both.

-KLAXON

-Start the clocks!

KLAXON

Star jump!

MUSIC: Jump by Van Halen

Designer Stubble Andy makes the leap...

..and only dunks one toe!

Ooof, very manly!

Here we go.

Oh, go on. Rolling, rolling! Go on!

Oh, we got a slam dunk.

Keep going. Go on, Andy!

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Ah, right.

-Let's go over, don't get wet.

-Can he...?

-Oh, ow. He didn't get wet.

-Can he power jump it?

-Skills!

-Skills.

-Come on.

-Come on, Andy.

-Come on.

Oh, yes!

Here comes Steve with the Beard.

Banked the Paris trip, skids...

and rolls.

-That looked... He stayed... Ah, yes.

-Stopped himself.

-Skills.

Can he bank the bikes?

Ooh, no.

Wouldn't get that beard wet, you won't be able to lift your head.

The pole and Designer Stubble Andy is up and...

Oh.

Straight into the wall there.

Perhaps we should play some heavy metal as inspiration.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

No, didn't help.

He was like a little koala bear there.

The beam! And whose beard will win out?

-Oh, no.

-Ooof, straight to the pelvis.

MUSIC: Enter Sandman by Metallica

Oh, neither beard wins.

Close shave though.

But they're back up at the slide,

Designer Stubbly Andy misses the swinging touch-points

-but he stops the clock at 5:05.

-KLAXON

But Beardy Steve cleverly banks them both and stops his clock

-at 4:46 with penalties.

-KLAXON

The course is designed to be tough. I know you love motorbikes -

you're a bit of an adrenaline junkie. How was it for you?

-Way tough.

-Way tough?

-Way tough!

Do you think you've done enough?

No, I don't think so.

But he has!

Steve and Andy have roughed their way into fourth and fifth place.

Musical Michael slipped into the bottom.

Sadly, time for some goodbyes.

MUSIC: See You Later, Alligator by Bill Hayley & His Comets

Mandy, you came and you gave without taking, but we sent you away.

So long, cheerful Chloe,

Heera, who went "Wham!",

Sarah the Polecat,

and The Artist formerly known as Gary.

Sophie, the violins are playing for you.

Gymnastic Jen and Jedi Kate.

Farewell, Can't Touch This compatriots.

It's been emotional.

We're nearly at the end of Round One

and nobody's extinguished Fireman Stu's flame.

Think it's safe to say he's got that top spot well and truly...

Hang on a minute, what the massive man-hunk is this?

MUSIC: Forget You by CeeLo Green

MUSIC WINDS TO A HALT

-Toby, you're a member of the GB bobsleigh team?

-Yeah.

So how do you feel about bobbing and weaving around our course?

Bobtastic, and a little bit unbe-weavable.

THEY LAUGH

KLAXON

MUSIC: Ski Sunday Theme

Look at him go.

Toby bobbling along, making great time there.

Boom, banks the trip to Paris.

Yes, Toby, I'd be delighted to come.

-Oh!

-Ooh!

And hydroplaning only seems to help our champion bobsledder,

who's now banked the first two prizes without even trying.

But, wait, here comes the leap!

Oh, we might have to get another one of those.

He's going to break the course if he's not careful.

Stack Em High now.

-Oh, never, one...

-Just one?

-..one block?

-Yeah, come on.

-Never.

-Come on.

Come on, Toby!

-Oh, that's slightly hysterical.

-Laptop in the bank!

-Ah, ooh.

-Ooh, right.

This is where power to weight plays, power to weight plays a part here.

Shut up, Ashley.

Yeah, shut up, Ashley. Toby's the man.

He's my man. (Toby.)

Are you going to do it, Toby?

He's not the man.

You do it, then.

-He's not the man.

-Oh...

-There's only one set of muscles here, Toby.

-Was that fun, Toby?

-And they're right here.

-Yeah, it was awesome!

-Want to do that again.

-ZOE LAUGHS

He wants to do it again!

And now to the beam.

Even the bean bag wants a hug with him.

Ooh, Toby, that was unbelievable!

-Nicely done, Toby.

-Man-handled the course there.

Oh, no!

Just missing a dancer's touch there, Toby.

All right, Toby, this is it. Three touch-points away.

And he's got all three

with a time of 4 minutes, 10 seconds after penalties.

Not enough to take Fireman Stu's top spot

but he does slide into impressive third place.

Oh, hello. Zoe's got him cornered.

That was ridiculous. Ridiculous.

This is a man who does bobsleighing,

and you're saying this is ridiculous.

Bobsleighing is way more easier than this!

-Bobsleighing is easier?

-Yes!

Stand up, stand up, I just want to stand next to you

and just like... Oh, wow, hi.

LAUGHTER

I'm just holding on to the side here for a little minute.

Yeah.

Get in line, Zoe.

-Well, well, well.

-Well, well.

-Impressive skills today from many of our contestants.

-Yep.

Good travelator action.

Big Toby with the big slip, he nearly broke the course.

-That's got to hurt.

-If you've got some padding, it might help.

-OK.

-But it's not nice.

-Some great getting up from Stack Em High

-to the pole vault.

-Yeah. Some really scary moments.

Sophie went back and she managed to save herself, good landing, Sophie.

But, right now, there's only one thing on everyone's mind.

Who has made it through to Round Two?

Let's take a look.

Stuart's Chariot of Fire crosses the end in first place.

Boy Racer Nathan rolls in second.

Big Toby claims third.

Nick's Dark Side forces him into fourth place.

Both Steve and his own beard share the fifth spot

and Designer Stubbly Andy clings onto number six.

So after getting soaked, running, falling, jumping

and getting soaked some more,

what can our contestants expect from Round Two?

Oh, more of the same, I'm pleased to tell you.

And it all kicks off on spinning platforms which -

yup, you guessed it - have started spinning.

From the platforms, contestants move on to Clamber Crossing.

They clamber across the crossing, to a set of touch-points,

which bank the trampoline.

But there are only five touch-points,

so one contestant will miss out and leave the game.

After a quick sit down, they're off again

through the water and up the uneven stairs to the rings.

As they attempt to make their way to the four touch-points

and bank a fridge freezer.

Five into four don't go, so another contestant will be eliminated

before they set off again to the Dropping Ropes.

It's an odd but apt name, since for a laugh

not all the ropes are connected.

Contestants must choose the right one to swing across the pontoon,

otherwise they drop.

Finally, contestants make their way to the end podium and bank a TV.

But there are only three touch-points,

which means another contestant will be eliminated,

leaving our final three.

Look at them spinning away like monstrous ballerinas.

That's not weird at all.

I don't think they can take much more, Ashley, do something.

Don't worry, I'm all over it. Cue the klaxon.

KLAXON

Off they go!

Nathan using speed and insanity there to his advantage.

MUSIC: Blitzkrieg Bop by The Ramones

Oooh!

It is an absolute brawl in there.

Look at them go.

Reminds me of a experimental dance production of Hamlet I was in.

Didn't rate.

Nathan's first, he banks the trampoline.

Stubbly Andy's in second.

And Toby's just touching everything he can, and why not?

Steve with the Beard and Fireman Stu are the last two

which means Darth Nick will not be conquering the galaxy any time soon.

Wow, these men mean business.

I bet they're thinking of manly things like dirt, and steel,

and Nick Knowles.

MUSIC: Witch Doctor by Cartoons

-Tip the chairs!

-KLAXON

Oh, yeah, it's Nathan.

Followed by Andy.

Oh, my Lord!

Stubbly Andy following Nathan there. Probably after beard tips.

Oh, big Toby, you little snake, you.

Boy Racer Nathan is first again and banks the fridge freezer!

Those bad boys are at it again.

Just time for Andy to do a quick baby orang-utan impression

and then we'll continue.

ORANG-UTAN SCREECHES

Fireman Stu is through!

So is Steve with the Beard.

Who's going to be in the final chair?

Is Andy hanging on there? We're nearly losing Andy.

-Andy...

-He's coming back!

-..he saved himself!

And Toby's up!

Yes, it's Toby the champion.

And Stubbly Andy is out.

Oh, tough luck, tough guy.

There were six, there are four and soon only three will remain.

Don't forget about the ropes.

That looks precarious.

KLAXON

That's a lot a big men in a tiny pool.

MUSIC: Indiana Jones Theme

Boy Racer Nathan first to the ropes and the first to the water.

Fortunately for him, he's not the last.

That's a lot of splashing going on.

And they're all in the drink except...

Toby.

Oh, Toby!

Man mountain Toby made it!

When Big Toby's in front of you, you can't actually see the touch-points.

Big Toby first over the beam,

and the first to bank the TV.

Fireman Stu's next.

And Boy Racer Nathan takes third.

Which means, I'm sorry to say, Steve with Beard got trimmed.

I've loved it, I've absolutely loved it. It's been great.

I'm a little bit disappointed I didn't get through.

The better men won.

MUSIC: Send In The Clowns by Frank Sinatra

So close, but so far away.

I wanted to do really well.

I'm proud of myself for getting this far but

obviously a little bit disappointed.

And it's time for Darth Nick to go to a galaxy far, far away.

I'm very disappointed, yeah. But I gave it my all, tried my best.

Just bad luck, I think.

Our three remaining contestants are currently waiting patiently

in Spin Mountain base camp.

But that's all about to change. It's time to climb.

Yes, Spin Mountain.

The game that separates the men from...

their lunch.

Each contestant has to find their three uniquely coloured discs,

and return them to their podiums in order, from three rotating rings.

Only then can they climb up Spin Mountain,

which is also spinning, to touch the touch-point,

bank the smartphone, and go on to leap for that car.

But watch out, some of those handholds are on bungee cords.

Nathan's spotting, Toby's squatting...

..and Stu just looks happy to be out of the house.

Cue the klaxon!

-KLAXON

-And they're off.

And they're down.

Fireman Stu out for an early morning jog there.

Nothing to see here.

Boy Racer Nathan takes the lead!

MUSIC: Miserlou by Dick Dale And The Deltones

Stuart still jogging.

Well done, Stu.

Ooh, but Toby's got a disc! Champion.

I think they're making this look harder than it actually is. I mean,

it's only three oppositely spinning platforms, for goodness' sake(!)

Hang on! Nathan - he's off to the mountain.

And back to Toby.

And back to Nathan.

And back to Toby.

Back to Nathan. Oh, hi, Stu! Fancy meeting you here.

Toby's at the mountain

but it's Nathan who reaches the summit,

banks the smartphone and claims victory over his manly foes.

(I love you, Toby.)

I didn't think I was going to win there.

There's two good lads there.

Commiserations to them as well. They've done really well.

We must point your spotting, right from the off,

-your spotting was incredible.

-Yeah, my missus taught me that.

She's a dancer, you've always got to do that when you're spinning.

-That's where you got it from.

-Inside knowledge.

I knew there had to be some dancer knowledge in there somewhere.

How do you now fancy trying to win all the prizes that you banked?

I want to win them all.

So, the results are in,

Boy Racer Nathan is our winner.

Nathan, you took our breath away!

-I think the best man did win at the end cos he was quick.

-Yeah.

-So...

-He was in the zone.

-Yeah!

-Definitely in the zone.

-Yeah.

Get the car, mate, get all the prizes as well.

-Get all the prizes, win the car, definitely.

-Yeah.

-So currently Nathan has banked a smartphone.

-Mountain bikes.

-Laptop.

-A tablet.

-Coffee machine.

-Trampoline.

-Fridge freezer.

-TV.

-And the trip to Paris.

Zut alors! And all those prizes are for the winning.

But the winning is going to take some doing.

Now, I've been very busy.

I've hung all the prizes Nathan banked in the previous rounds

above this fast-moving travelator.

Nathan has 60 seconds to touch as many of them as he can.

And, of course, everything he touches he wins.

Nathan, it's quite literally time to get your hands on all those prizes.

-What are you thinking?

-I think it's been hard to get here,

but, looking at that, it's going to be really hard work,

and I'm willing to do it, so let's go.

-The travelator awaits. Good luck.

-Thank you.

So, there they are, all Nathan's banked prizes,

so near and yet so far.

-Cue the klaxon.

-KLAXON

Oh, look at that!

And he's off to a quick start.

Got the tablet.

Go, go, yes. Go on!

Go on, get there!

Double hit on the fridge and the trip to Paris!

He is so quick! Look at him go.

-Yes!

-He's got the mountain bikes as well!

Crosses the divide and wins the TV.

-He's got the laptop.

-Yes!

That's the smartphone.

Ooh, so close! Just missed the trampoline and the coffee machine.

-Got the trampoline. Yes!

-Come on, get the coffee machine.

Go on, Nathan. Pace it, pace it.

Oh, he's missed the coffee machine again! He needs caffeine.

20 seconds to go.

Oh, and he's down. Come on, Nathan. Don't give up.

-15.

-Still got the telly, 15 seconds.

Ten seconds, ten seconds.

-Eight...

-Oh.

-..seven...

BOTH: ..six, five

four, three

two, one.

KLAXON

Oh, that's it.

He's put in the effort, and it's definitely paid off.

-Well done, mate.

-That was incredible.

-That was hard work.

-Yeah?

-That was really hard, my legs are killing.

-Burning.

-I'm not surprised.

I'm not surprised, they were absolutely motoring.

You totally masked it, you were like "Just a little light jog,

"on the travelator, having a lovely time."

-No, it was sore, really sore.

-And you banked eight prizes.

-Oh, brilliant.

-It's quite a hoard. Are you ready for the list?

-Yeah.

Nathan has won a smartphone, mountain bikes, laptop,

tablet, trampoline, fridge freezer, TV and the trip to Paris!

-Yes! Get in.

-Tres magnifique.

But you haven't come all this way to stop there, have you, Nathan?

-No, I'm going to keep going.

-Course you are.

-That car is mine.

Oh, this is the exciting bit, of course. You have it.

So let's put the key in the ignition and start the final round.

Jump for the car.

If Nathan can make one more fantastic leap,

and touch the car, he can drive it away...

once he's detached it from our lighting rig.

So, Nathan, we're up here. Let's have a little look at that beauty.

-Can you see yourself in that car?

-I can, yeah, yeah.

-Can you see...?

-That's mine. That's my car.

-That is your car. This is the right attitude.

-Yes.

-I think you can do it, you can totally do it.

-Yes, it's mine.

-Good luck...

-Thank you.

-..my darling.

-Thanks very much.

-There you go.

So this is it - the very final chapter.

One contestant, one car, one giant leap.

Nathan, I wish you the best of luck.

And, in your own time, jump for the car.

One jump.

One chance.

One car.

He did it!

Nathan's won himself a brand-new car!

Cue the endless slow motion repeats!

Oh, I'm going to watch that again and again.

MUSIC: Hero by Enrique Iglesias

And enough.

Come on, I've a warm Toby to get to.

Oh, triumphant!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-How does it feel? You won the car!

-That was amazing.

Honestly, last minute I didn't think I was going to get it.

But literally just got my fingertips on it.

-It's just overwhelming. I don't even...

-You did it!

-Yeah, wow!

-Amazing, thank you.

-Unbelievable.

What do you think your fiance is going to say when she sees this?

She's going to be so proud. Love you both, love you loads.

-Aw!

-Well done. You've been such an incredible contestant.

-We've loved having you on the show. And you were the top.

-Thank you.

-Brilliant. Well done.

-Thank you.

-Champion.

It couldn't have gone better! That's it for tonight.

Join us again next time for more cars,

catapults, clamber crossings and more.

Till then, stay in touch. Say goodbye, Sue!

Bye!

Now, where's Toby?