Episode 4 Can't Touch This

One rule. Touch the prize, win the prize.

But doing that takes a whole load of this...

SLOW-MOTION SCREAMING

..a ridiculous amount of this...

Agh!

..and absolutely masses of this.

ARRGGHH!

-This is...

-TOGETHER: Can't Touch This!

Hello, I'm Ashley Banjo.

And I'm Zoe Ball, and welcome to Can't Touch This.

We have a bunch of hardy contestants who are limbering up,

getting ready to battle their way around our fiendish obstacle course.

And, on their way around, they have to touch, and win,

as many prizes as they possibly can.

But only one of them is going

to win the chance to take home their prize haul.

Plus, they could be driving it home in a brand-new car.

But to win it, they've got to touch it.

And just who is going to be running, splashing

and jumping for glory tonight, I wonder?

Let's ask the woman who knows, Sue Perkins.

Yes, let's meet tonight's contestants.

They're brave, they're bold.

They're quite clearly unaware of what's about to happen to them.

Tonight, these mighty warriors will attempt to make their families,

if not their country, proud.

Within their ranks, we have a sports fan from Nottingham,

an adrenaline junkie from Worthing.

And, er...is he all right?

They're all hoping they can touch this tonight.

We begin at this contraption, The Catapult.

It sends our contestants on a short but exhilarating flight

into a foam pit.

Then it's on to The Travelator. High above is the first touch point.

Touch it, and bank a trip to Majorca -

rated as one of the best towns in Britain, I believe.

Also on The Travelator, the second touch point,

which banks a set of golf clubs -

one of the two things you'll need for playing golf.

But one misstep on The Travelator, and you'll be in the drink.

Then it's a short trip to Stack 'Em High.

Just build a tower to reach touch point number three,

and bank a washing machine

Your mother will be proud.

Then take the mighty pole across the water to The Beam.

Dodge the swinging punch bags to reach the fourth touch point,

and bank a tablet.

That's a lot of hassle

for some paracetamol.

Next, it's down the slide to the two swinging touch points,

which bank a games console and headphones,

so nobody has to hear you playing it.

The last touch point stops the clock

and banks a tumble dryer -

great for parties.

For each touch point they've missed, they get a 30-second penalty

and whoever gets through to the end of the show

gets a chance to win what they banked.

Them's the rules, don't blame me.

There you have it, as easy as falling off a log,

which is usually what many of our contestants end up doing.

So, let's find out who's up first to get the game started.

You've heard of Mad Max - well, this is Mad Matt,

and, just like the character in the film,

he's a probation officer from Newcastle.

He's either excited, or no-one has shown him where the toilets are.

So Matt, you're a self-confessed foodie.

Have you been on a special diet in preparation for today?

I think so. I've been eating a bit more cake than usual though,

so I'm a bit more like a blancmange so I'm still wobbly.

Great ploy, Matt - always eat as much cake as possible

before being fired out of a monumental hydraulic catapult.

That's how we warm up Mary Berry. Start the clock!

Hmm...but he lands better than Mary.

Brilliant.

Wow!

He's a bit of a joker. He's known amongst his mates for being

a bit of a practical joker.

Let's hope the joke's not on him today.

Cutting his way around the course, look at him.

The first touch point, up high, banks a trip to Majorca.

And the second, at the end of The Travelator,

banks a set of golf clubs.

Great for...leaning on.

-KLAXON BLARES

-Yes! In one.

-KLAXON BLARES

-Come on!

I've never seen that before.

And you're not likely to see it again.

Oh wait, there it is again.

And again...and again.

That Travelator was immense!

You're amazing. You are a machine.

Mad Matt has banked the first two prizes,

but Stack 'Em High is a tricky one.

Touch the touch point hanging above

and bank a brand-new washing machine.

-Oh, my goodness.

-The terminator.

The terminated, more like. Oh...

In your own time, Matt.

I'm knackered already!

-Yes!

-Yeah, in the bank!

Welcome...to the Wall Of Doom!

The Wall Of Neoprene didn't have such a ring to it...

Hello, cheeky face!

-Wow!

-Oh.

He made it look easy.

We were going to make it more doom-like,

but, er...we ran out of money.

This is the Pole Vault.

All Matt has to do is hold on to the giant pole

and launch himself over a pool of freezing water.

That's all.

I can't bear to watch. Ooh...

Can we see it three more times, please?

Hmm. That's going to leave a mark.

-Argh!

-You all right down there?

Freezing? Keep going, keep going, Matt.

Time for The Beam.

What I love about this beam

is it comes with five exceedingly heavy punch bags

waiting to slam you into oblivion.

The touch point is just underneath the beam,

and it banks a state-of-the-art tablet.

-Right.

-Why'd he pick pink shorts?

TOGETHER: Ooooh...

-KLAXON BLARES

-Great work, Matt. He's got the tablet.

-Stay low!

-Oh!

-Ow!

He'll need tablets after that.

Finally, it's The Slide.

Someone was actually paid money to name that.

Can he bank these prizes on the slide?

-KLAXON BLARES

-Yes, he can!

Look at that!

Matt stops the clock

with an insanely good time of 2.51,

and no penalties as he's banked

every single prize along the way.

We never doubted you for a second, Matt -

excepting your silly intro.

Incredible! Such speed, such elegance.

You managed to bank every single prize along the way.

-Awesome!

-Yeah.

-Let's...let's hope I win them!

I've got a good feeling about you, Matt.

-Finger crossed. Thanks, well done.

-Cheers! Thank you.

Next up is Joanna.

Don't let that cheerful smile fool you, she is fierce.

Grrr...!

Now, Joanna, you say you're extremely competitive,

especially if there's the opportunity

to beat a man at something?

-100%, 100%, I hate 'em.

-So are you going to take them all on tonight?

They're all going down.

OK, the gauntlet is thrown. Let's see the man she's up against.

HE YODELS

Oh, well, this one's going to be a tough one to call.

Dale is 64 years old, and about to become a great-grandad.

The ideal candidate for a life-defying assault course.

OK, Joanna, let's see what you're made of.

EXPELLIARMUS!

I like her style out of the catapult there.

And Dale is airborne.

Joanna's stuck in the foam,

but Dale is at the Travelator.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-Ooh, good jump!

He banks a trip to Majorca,

and a hospital appointment.

Great work, Dale. Fantastic.

Joanna's catching up...

Oh, now she's falling down.

No trip to Majorca,

but she does pick up a 30-second time penalty.

Stack 'Em High, and Dale is flying.

Oh, my goodness, I can't look.

Oh, look at that balance...

And that lack of balance.

Oh, Dale. I believed in you.

Mind you, she's quite tall, isn't she?

-Oh...

-Try it, try it, try it, Joanna.

Try it, Joanna.

Now she's got to do a bit of a backwards arch. Oh!

-Not quite.

-So near! And yet, so far.

I'll let you into a secret.

it's not as easy as Dale's making it look.

KLAXON BLARES

-Yes!

-He's got the washing machine in the bank.

I've never known a more deserving man of a washing machine than Dale.

Oh, those blocks are balanced pretty precariously.

I'm not look... I can't look.

Oh, no. She can't look either.

-She's done it... Nearly.

-Oh, yes!

Go on! Yes!

KLAXON SOUNDS Yeah! Washing machine in the bank.

Go Jo-anne.

He's got the right blocks. Can he get up?

He's done it!

Dale's at the pole.

Now, just a small obstacle to overcome, here.

Oh, goodness me.

Is there no way we can talk him out of this?

Oof!

He attempted it, though. He did attempt it.

You all right, Dale?

Yeah.

Joanna's using her special bouncing shoes.

Go on, Jo, go on, Jo...

You can do it...yes! She's almost done it.

She's almost there...

Joanna! Yes! You beauty.

Where is she? Oh!

We were...celebrating a bit too early there.

How is Dale going to cope with The Beam?

-He's having a little rest.

-Is he having a little rest?

You can't blame him. Catch his breath...

Slow and steady wins the race, Dale.

You're absolutely right, Dale, what's the rush?

Joanna's right on your heels.

Oh! You look good in heels.

And she's off!

That...that beam literally KO'd her, there.

That was beam and punch bag working in tandem.

Gosh.

If you're wondering why Dale looks confused,

it's because he's balancing on a beam ten feet in the air,

trying to dodge five massive swinging bags.

Oh!

Straight through the middle.

Three down, two to go.

Bet he's wishing he'd applied for Eggheads.

-KLAXON BLARES

-And Dale's banked the tablet.

Good show, old boy!

Phew! What a man, what a man.

What a man, indeed. If Dale can bank the headphones

and the games console, he's got this race in the bag!

Oh! Bad luck, Dale.

Just three touch points between Joanna and victory.

-KLAXONS BLARE

-Look at that, she's got them both.

Joanna's shown true grit,

with a time of 9.47 including penalties.

Tough luck for Dale, who finishes

two-tenths of a second behind,

which is 1/100th of a moment,

if you're interested.

You were absolutely incredible.

Can we get a little celebration yodel?

HE YODELS Sounded a bit different than the one from the start,

-but well done, Dale.

-All right, cheers.

Do you think you've done enough to beat the boys?

I'd like to think so,

but there is some tough competition.

This is Jennifer,

a drama enthusiast with a degree in mathematics and statistics.

Looks like someone listened to their parents - wish I had.

Jennifer, you are a dance captain for a West End musical society.

Any chance of bursting into song anywhere around the course today?

You never know, possibly.

I do get a bit nervous and sing in the shower,

and when I'm at my spinning classes.

Right, give us your jazz hands. Jazz hands!

And you can step kick your way to The Catapult.

-Good luck, Jennifer.

-Thank you very much.

OK, darling, time to make your big entrance.

In this scene, you'll be fired out of a massive catapult.

Trip to Majorca?

-No.

-No.

Jennifer misses the first touch point,

giving her a 30-second penalty.

And...she's wet.

She's still in with a chance though.

Oh, it's a tricky little number.

Now, West End Jen has two choices.

Try to jump over the wall,

or take the loser's ladder, stage right.

Hmm, OK.

-What was the point...?

-Jennifer! You lovely woman.

-That was a good attempt, Jennifer.

-We put ladders there for a reason.

Next time, use the ladder, love.

Why take the ladder when you can jump across?

When you can do a big star jump-splat.

Stack 'Em High, and West End Jen is putting on quite a performance.

Hang on a minute. Now, it doesn't take a genius to look at that

and see it's slightly unbalanced.

-Wow!

-KLAXON BLARES

Yes, well done!

No, literally, I was... I was, erm...clenched, you know?

Were you clenched? Yeah, I can...

I know exactly what you mean.

The Wall Of Doom...

..is no match for Jen.

Very little fazes you

after you've met Andrew Lloyd Webber in the flesh.

The Pole Vault.

Now, the best way to go is...

Oh, OK. She's let go.

No hands!

-Look, no hands!

-No hands!

Well done, West End Jen.

Finally you get to be in Casualty.

-Juicy fact for you.

-Yes?

-Jennifer used to play the bassoon.

-Really?

Unlike you, who used to play the buffoon.

-Yes.

-Sorry, that was...

That was so bad.

Oh... Oh, oh!

She went for it!

-KLAXON BLARES

-Bravo. Banked the tablet.

That should take the edge off the bruising.

Go, Jennifer! She's amazing.

Now for her grand finale -

the headphones and the games console.

Oh, and she's missed both!

-KLAXON BLARES

-West End Jen stops the clock

at 7.02 including penalties.

Jennifer, how was that?

A lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

-It was really good fun, though.

-You gave us quite a show, though.

Say hello to Summer Crow.

I know what you're going to say. We double-checked.

That is her real name.

So, Summer, you're double-jointed, you can do the moon walk

and you can do the robot.

Are we going to be seeing any of those moves today?

Potentially, if you're a bit lucky, I might, you know...bust out,

-do a...

-You going to bust out a little...

A little robot? Oh, I'm excited for this one.

Start the clock!

KLAXON BLARES

SUMMER SCREAMS

-Wow!

-Now, that was quite...

-She was...Flung her in the air.

Can she spring up and bank the trip to Majorca?

I'm going to pop that down as a "No."

Drat, drat and double drat.

Ooh, close.

-Ooh!

-Ohh!

Ooh, Summer's turned out wet again.

Good effort, though.

Not a dancer is Ben.

He's a cold-call marketeer who's looking for love.

Has anyone explained this show to him?

Start the clock!

KLAXON BLARES

Ben has been taking tae kwon do for two weeks.

OK, ladies, listen up.

Ben's hobbies include climbing, jumping...

..walking, and, er...

well, swimming.

He also likes to travel, which is great,

because he banked the trip to Majorca.

Now for those golf clubs.

No, he still prefers swimming.

Ladies, check out Ben's ladder climbing technique.

It's...unusual.

The Pole Vault now, and...aww, he's got a lovely little face.

Ooh!

He HAD a lovely little face.

Head wounds are in this season, right?

Ben, go take a rest - nursie will see you soon.

Get the outfit, will you?

Well, hello!

Summer comes round again quickly, doesn't it?

Ooh... Yay!

And the wettest Summer on record.

The Beam now.

-Ooh.

-Ohh! Ooh...

Oh, she's gone!

-Whoa!

-She's gone.

-So close!

Ooh, that was quite extraordinary.

She actually went in neck first.

Summer missed the tablet -

let's see if she can bank those next two prizes.

Yes!

She banks the tumble dryer and stops the clock

with a time of 05:37 including penalties.

Back to bumbling Ben.

Single, but keen.

Oh, yes, he's banked the tablet!

Oh, no!

-You can do it!

-I can't!

-Yes!

Woohoo! Yes!

Banked! Brilliant!

Oh! That was gripping.

Oh, God, not again!

Didn't think that was going to happen, did you?

I didn't, Zoe. Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

No-one ever talks to me.

I've been in here for weeks.

I cannot understand how this man's single.

Now for the Slide.

Will he impress the girls with his new console and headphones?

No. No, he won't.

But he does bank the tumble dryer,

and stops the clock at 06:49 including penalties.

-You took quite a battering.

-It's hard!

-It is tough.

-It's very hard.

I should have gone on a quiz show!

You should have gone on a quiz show! How's your general knowledge?

-Terrible.

-Terrible!

-ZOE LAUGHS

Right, let's get the leaderboard out.

Mad Matt is now officially the one to beat,

almost three minutes ahead of Summer Crow in second place,

and more than seven minutes ahead of Dale,

who's just one contestant away from getting himself yodelled out.

Still to come on Can't Touch This...

the identical twin...

the samba queen...

and the rocket man.

Will any of them make the top six and go on to leap for that car?

Next up is James from Essex.

Interesting fact - James was once a champion triple-jumper.

Well...it's a fact.

Jim's friends call his car the Dustbin.

Wonder why he's auditioned for THIS show?

-Go on...oh, go on, James!

-Go on!

And James banks the trip to Majorca, and...

yes, the golf clubs!

I don't think he's even noticed the floor is moving.

James, play the game!

They're supposed to be obstacles.

Oh, James!

-Mr Swanky Pants!

-I now feel like he's just mocking the course.

ZOE CHUCKLES

Can he ace Stack 'Em High?

Look at that.

Good time James, keep it up, keep it up, good time.

Mr Swanky Pants banks the washing machine.

-Oh, my goodness!

-Look at that!

James!

-You are ridiculously good.

-Could James be the one?

Oh!

Ohh! Could he be the one to conquer the Pole Vault?!

-Oh!

-Oh!

BOTH: So close!

Oh, dear, he's wet his swanky pants.

Oh, my God, I am so jealous.

Now we know how it's done!

James and the giant..

beam.

James, hold it! Yes! Oh...

-Oh, ducking and a-diving, look at him!

-Whoo!

No! No!

Make it. Yes!

Go on...

And he's got the tablet.

Just the slide now.

And Mr Swanky Pants banks the console, the headphones,

and Zoe Ball's heart.

Banks the tumble dryer, and stops the clock

with a time of 02:35 including penalties.

James hops, skips and jumps his way through the course,

banking every prize along the way.

Very swanky.

That was incredible - you literally destroyed the course.

I just went for it as quick as I could,

and obviously maybe luck was with me today.

The Pole Vault, you were so close to getting over the Wall.

I hoped I'd be able to pull myself up - didn't quite have the strength.

I hope we'll see you in the next round.

-I've a feeling we will.

-Me too.

-So well done, man.

-Cheers, thank you.

Say hello to Maria,

who told us she'd love to go trekking

in the Amazonian rainforest.

So we strapped her to a catapult in a television studio.

KLAXON BLARES

MARIA SCREAMS

Go on, chop the pieces, Maria!

She's definitely there.

Can't see her. ASH CHUCKLES

-Maria!

-There she is.

-Oh, there she is!

She's broken the surface.

She looks like she's stuck in a really difficult current.

She's taking ages!

So while she's getting cosy, let's have a look at someone else.

Hello, Tasha.

KLAXON BLARES

TASHA SCREAMS

Tasha's a 25-year-old midwife...

who screams like a baby.

Ooh! And Tasha misses a trip to Majorca...

..so she'll have to use our pool instead.

-Oh!

-Oh-ho-ho!

-Takes a bump.

-Bum first!

While she's cooling off,

let's see how Maria is getting on with her trek.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-'Stage crew, can you come to the foam, please? We need to find a shoe.'

Hang on, what?

'..a shoe.'

-MARIA:

-Oh, that was wicked!

Now, Tasha's had some time to steady her nerves.

TASHA YELPS

Oh! OK.

TASHA YELPS

That's the mating cry of the chinchilla there.

No luck for Tasha at the second touch point.

-Oh!

-Tasha?

-Tasha, you OK?

Bit cold.

-She's a bit cold.

-Bit cold. OK.

Oh, they're all in now.

-Hey!

-MARIA LAUGHS

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-'We've found the shoe.'

She's at the Travelator.

Ooh!

And does the splits.

That's going to hurt.

Still, she found the shoe.

Pluses and minuses.

And now they're two wet shoes. Oh, dear!

And no joy for Maria.

Can you sense a theme building here?

Now Tasha's at the Wall.

It's the balancing act, and then trying to get your leg up,

-gracefully.

-And the blocks are all slippery.

And here's Maria at the Wall.

Still got both shoes. Good.

SHE MOUTHS

No grip there, Tasha.

Did need to rethink this.

Oh, no, I don't like the look of that. That's...

That's madness, that's madness.

ASH LAUGHS No, no!

Oh!

Oh!

She's trying this so many times.

Deep breaths, Maria.

That's it.

-Ooh!

-Oh, come on!

The problem is, she is where the block should be, so...

..she can't get it round.

101 ways to not get over the Wall to the Pole Vault by Tasha.

THEY LAUGH

Ooh! Aah!

Hard luck, Tasha.

This is Steve, a sports fanatic from Nottingham,

who's already banked the trip to Majorca and the washing machine.

All right?

Come on, Steve!

Aaargh...

Ohh!

That's a lot of Steve hitting a lot of pole.

And now for the Beam.

Oh...duck and weave, Sporty Steve!

Sorry, just trying out a new catchphrase.

Ooh!

No!

-He gets it on the way down!

-No!

He certainly did...

and hurdles his way into third place.

Meanwhile, Mr Swanky Pants hops straight over Mad Matt

for the top spot,

which leaves West End Jen

wondering if her moment in the spotlight is coming to an end.

Sadly, Maria and Tasha will not be joining us in the next round,

as they're still trying to get over a large plastic wall.

Meet Troy and Lauren.

They're identical twins, only not with each other.

So THEY'RE not actually twins, they just have twins.

Let's see if we can manufacture some false sibling rivalry.

Come on Troy, brother from another mother...

Yes! He's got it!

He's banked the trip to Majorca.

And a dip in the drink.

He TROYD so hard!

Lauren's turn.

Ah, she misses the holiday, but, well, she does get a trip.

Twin Troy's turn for the golf clubs...

Oh, no!

Mmm...but look at that swagger.

Let's see if Lauren can fare any better.

-Ohh!

-So close!

Oh, hard luck, Lauren.

Here he goes.

I have an idea.

This is really slippery!

Let's see if they can fall identically at the pole.

-Here goes.

-HE SCREAMS

-Here goes.

-HE SCREAMS

Heavens to Murgatroyd! That looked pretty dodgy.

Yup - must be a twin thing.

-Urgh!

-Oh, man alive! Troy's off the Beam!

You know what we should do? We should TROY a little tenderness.

But Lauren defies nature, and banks the tablet.

At the slide now...

Twin Troy banks the headphones and the games console.

But identical twin Lauren, on the other hand, only gets the headphones,

thus settling the nurture/nature debate.

Twin Troy stops the clock at 04:04 including penalties.

Identical Lauren banks the dryer,

and it's 04:57 including penalties.

And a fantastic run for these twins, who are absolutely not related.

The leaderboard's shaping up beautifully.

The twins, Troy and Lauren,

bag spots side by side at three and four.

And we'll soon find out if winter is coming for Summer,

as she has the time to beat.

Up next up is John, an ex-traffic warden from Lancashire.

You used to be a traffic warden, so if you stay too long

in any of our areas, can I clamp you and whack a ticket on you?

-That's fine, yeah?

-Yeah, well, if it's you personally, you can do whatever you want to me.

-I've got my outfit and everything.

-Everything?

-Yeah!

-If you've got the hat, you can take it off for me.

-Got the hat.

-Yeah?

Where are we going with this? This is a family show!

All right, yes, let's stop this now.

KLAXON BLARES

-Yee-ha!

-Yee-ha indeed!

Yee-ha!

Ooh!

Banks a trip to Majorca. Just the ticket!

A ticket which must be paid within a month

to avoid further penalties.

Sorry!

-Oh, no!

-So close!

-So cool!

That's so cool!

We've had a bit of trouble with this one today,

so let me present Sue's Guide To The Travelator.

-COD POSH ACCENT:

-So you've just unwrapped your new Travelator

and want to know how to use it.

Well, the first thing to do is keep light on your feet.

Balance...

balance, balance.

And if you do fall,

get up quickly and run like your bally life depends on it.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-And here are some Travelator no-nos.

Don't crawl on it.

Don't surf it.

Don't ignore it.

Don't belly-flop it.

Ooh!

Don't do gymnastics on it.

And whatever you do...

..don't get it wet.

Oh, sorry - that's actually my neighbour's instructions

for looking after her cat.

Keep these thoughts in mind, and you, like me,

could have a long and fulfilling career in professional Travelating.

Now back to our traffic warden.

John, you're on a single yellow line!

But can he get the tablet?

Oh, no!

-Clamped!

-What's he doing?

-Just because you dodge them once, John...

-It's going to come back!

It's the slide now,

and John banks the last three prizes,

and stops the clock at 05:09 including penalties.

How was that?

Ugh! Horrendous!

ASH LAUGHS I hear your workmates call you David Brent, right?

Sometimes!

What do you reckon they'll call you after that?

Donkey Brent, probably!

ASH LAUGHS Well, mate, well done. We hope to see you in Round Two.

OK. Thank you very much.

Next up is Gavin, a policeman who used to guard the Queen.

-Gavin, I hear your guilty pleasure is listening to Elton John when no-one else is looking.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Do you sing along?

Most of the time.

-Go on, then, Rocket Man, show us what you're made of.

-KLAXON BLARES

GAVIN SCREAMS

He's achieved lift-off.

But can he bank the...

yes, he can!

Ohh!

He's stopped himself. Oh! Go on, Gavin, don't give up!

-He scrambles, he really wants the golf clubs.

-He is bionic!

-Yes!

-He is!

Someone must have watched Sue's Guide To The Travelator.

Time it...!

ZOE SIGHS

Ooh!

-Well done, Gavin!

-Yes!

-Woohoo!

-We have had some strong dudes today.

-Brilliant!

So Gavin's still standing, and banks the washing machine.

So far, he's out of this world.

-Grip it hard, grip it, grip it!

-Grip it real hard!

Oh, the Rocket Man forgot about gravity.

He might be able to sing in quite a high voice now.

Onto the Beam...

..and banks a tablet.

Watch it, watch it, Gav!

What an annoying place for a touch point!

Down the slide...

He banks the headphones...

..and the tumble dryer! Woohoo! Yes!

Gavin rocketed through the course

with a time of 03:14 including penalties.

I hope you've done enough to get into Round Two. Do you think you have?

-Hopefully!

-It was an amazing time, so well done.

-Thank you very much.

He certainly has, nabbing the third spot.

Traffic warden John is at the bottom of the leaderboard,

but he could still get towed.

And it's time to say goodbye to Sarah...

We hardly knew ya!

Sporty Steve...

our Fair Lady of the West End, Jen...

..to Fierce Joanna...

-SINGS:

-# Yodel-ay-he Dale... #

Tasha, who was bested by the Wall...

and Maria, who's still on it.

Summer Crow...

and Bumbling Ben.

Thanks, guys, it's been a trip.

Ooh!

Last up is dancer and personal trainer Nina.

Nina, you're a member of a samba dance company.

Yes, that is correct.

-So are we going to be seeing any of your moves today?

-What time is it?

THEY LAUGH

-What, you've got loads?

-It's a bit early for samba.

-I don't think it's TOO early!

-Start the clock!

-KLAXON BLARES

NINA SCREAMS

Wow. Takes a real dancer to start with a lift.

Beautiful steps, Nina.

The trip to Majorca and the golf clubs are in the bank.

She almost did the splits!

-Oh!

-And she stayed dry!

-Oh, she holds it together.

-That is an incredible effort on the Travelator.

-That is good.

Oh! Bad luck, bad luck.

Samba. Samba moves.

-Goes like that. Anyway...

-Is that what they're called?

-Yeah.

Nice!

Batucada, goes like that...

-Budgerigar, as we call it.

-Oh, well...

-We're not paying attention here.

-All right, we're paying attention, and she's up. Nina!

-Oh!

-Banks the washing machine.

-Nice work.

Hmm... She's not a pole dancer, but is she a Beam walker?

-Oh!

-Nina, no!

Must have started on the wrong foot.

But she's still going.

Nina banks the headphones and the games console and the dryer,

and stops the clock

with a time of 03:48 including penalties.

You, like, flew through that. You made it look so easy!

I just lost it, I couldn't see anything!

I just thought, "I'll run and hope for the best."

I didn't actually get to see a samba roll or a batucada during that.

-No, there was no grace there.

-Save that for later! I don't know, it was pretty graceful.

-Well done. Brilliant!

-Thank you very much.

Well, there you have it, end of Round One.

The Travelator again causing quite a lot of difficulties for people.

-Some spectacular fails.

-Let's talk about Tasha.

You get to that Wall, and you've got to think, "Which piece do I use, what order do I put it in?"

If you get it wrong, I mean, you could be there, as we saw, for quite a while!

-One big talking point of the day.

-James.

He nearly, very nearly mastered the Pole Vault.

-It was the closest that we've seen to date.

-Oh...

Who were the fastest six to make it through to Round Two?

In first place is Swanky Pants James.

Mad Matt takes the second spot.

Rocket Man Gavin orbits right behind in third place.

Samba Queen Nina claims the fourth spot,

which leaves The Twins, Troy in fifth place and Lauren in sixth.

They're not twins!

This round is a race for the chairs,

where our contestants will battle each other over a course of ropes, rings and water.

And the ones left standing up are going to be walking out.

Well, as you'd imagine, it all kicks off on spinning platforms,

which...spin.

From the platforms, contestants move on to Clamber Crossing.

They clamber across the crossing, hence the name,

to a set of touch points,

which bank a futuristic, if unnecessary, Gaming Chair.

But there are only five touch points,

so one contestant will miss out and leave the game.

After a quick sit down, they're off again,

through the water and up the uneven stairs to the rings,

as they attempt to make their way to the four touch points that bank them

a very clever smartphone.

Five into four don't go, so another contestant

will be eliminated, before they set off again to the Dropping Ropes.

It's an odd but apt name, as not all the ropes are connected.

Contestants must choose the right one to swing across the pontoon,

otherwise they drop.

Finally, contestants make their way to the end podium,

and bank a very cool fridge.

But there are only three touch points,

which means another contestant will be eliminated,

leaving our final three.

Have they been spinning there the whole time I've been chatting? I'm so sorry!

Got the attention span of a stapler.

Looks to me like they're nicely disorientated.

-So let the games begin.

-Cue the klaxon.

KLAXON BLARES

There they go.

They're like spiders

who've completed a health and safety course.

Troy's at the back, not really making much of an effort.

Swanky Pants James first to the touch point, and then Troy...

What?!

Troy, how did you get there?

Ah...that's how you did it.

You were just TROYING with us!

Nina's in.

Gavin and Matt both in, which means the music has stopped for Lauren.

Look at them.

They've got their game faces on.

And Matt still hasn't found the toilet by the looks of him.

Tip the chairs!

And up they come.

-Oh, my God!

-James! He is unbelievable.

James skips across the rings as if they weren't made of massive holes,

and banks the smartphone.

He made that look easy.

Not like Gavin, who made that look dangerous!

Thankfully we shot it in slow-mo for our records.

Well, MY records.

Looks like it's over for our Rocket Man Gavin.

If the rest of them can just hold on...

I said hold on, Nina!

-Ooh!

-Oh, no!

Not dive neck first into a pool full of rubber!

But style points for the full flip there, Nina.

Now it's getting interesting.

Matt and Troy make it through, so there's just one spot left.

But who will it be, Rocket Man or the Samba Queen?

-Gavin and Nina...

-Gavin or Nina?

..race across the rings for the last chair.

OK, Gavin, just stay on your feet, and...

Ooh! Have you learned nothing?

Nina's going for it.

Oh, but it is Gavin, by the skin of his teeth, again.

That sucks!

There were six. Now there are four.

Soon, only three will remain.

Don't forget about the dropping ropes!

-Launch!

-KLAXON BLARES

Down they go into the water.

They must be getting tired of that.

Troy's in. Oh, it's a dud!

That's cold.

James tries to demolish the bridge with his spine,

while Matt is doing...

that.

And running true to form, Troy is making headway.

Boom!

James banks that fridge and a place in the final three -

so it's Matt and Gavin for the final spot.

It's Matt!

No, it's Gavin!

Gavin coming from behind again.

Oh, Matt there.

Oh, hang on, this can't be right.

The whole thing's degenerated into a farce.

Nice try, Matt!

Oh, that's brilliant.

Aw, look, he loves him really.

I would have done the same thing, Matt,

but it's not going to help you now, Honey-thighs.

So, goodbye, Mad Matt.

We'll miss your crazy smile -

except when it comes back to haunt my nightmares.

Goodbye to Nina.

You've danced and flipped your way into our hearts.

And goodbye to Lauren the twin.

It's time to leave. Solo.

Now, we have a mountain for our contestants to climb.

And, of course, because we don't want to make it too easy for them,

we've set it spinning.

And guess what we called it? Spin Mountain!

Honestly, it's hardly a mountain.

It's more of a giant, two-toned,

turny, synthetic elevation.

All right, it's a mountain. It's a mountain!

Each contestant has to find their three uniquely-coloured discs

and return them to their podiums in order

from these three rotating rings.

Only then can they climb up Spin Mountain -

which is also spinning - and bank a smart watch,

and go on to leap for that car.

Watch out, though, some of those handholds are on bungee cords,

just for a laugh.

-KLAXON BLARES

-And they're off!

Swanky-Pants James, straight away, in for his number one.

And we all know he's Zoe's number one.

For some reason, this game reminds me of a nightmare I once had

about three blokes trying to scale a spinning mountain.

I've changed my medication now.

Ooh!

Gavin's got a case of the wobbles there.

Troy meditating peacefully at the foot of the mountain,

and James in there with number two.

Oh, Troy's had an awakening!

He's finally found the one he's been looking for...

..and banked it.

Gavin's dancing for his dinner...

That's a different game show.

..and Swanky-Pants James is off to the mountain.

Ooh!

Gavin's in with number three.

Could this be an upset?

Sometimes, I think the spinning makes this game harder.

Oh, no.

He's found the bungee cords!

It's so close - and James hits the deck!

Gavin's so close now.

Come on, James!

KLAXON BLARES

But Gavin is the winner and the game is over.

Troy, the game's over.

Poor James - so close,

but tonight, it's Rocket Man Gavin's time to Feel The Love.

How are you feeling?

-Fantastic.

-Yeah?

Going into that, what did you think your chances were?

-Absolutely zero.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-See?

-I was getting really, really dizzy.

Now is your chance to claim all of those incredible prizes

you've worked so hard to bank.

How are you feeling about that?

-Nervous.

-Are you ready, though?

-Definitely.

-Definitely up for the challenge?

-Yeah.

-Course he is.

I'm glad you said that, Gavin, cos we're all rooting for you.

Our Royal Guard copper and not-so-secret Elton John fan

has won the day.

Rocket Man, you crept in at clamber crossing,

you came from behind at the rings...

..just barely made the final three...

..but then you went supersonic.

I really hope that Gavin gets the car

and all the other prizes that he's banked.

I want to say "Congratulations, Gavin,"

and I hope that he wins the car.

Gavin, it's time for you to light up the sky.

KLAXON BLARES

So, everything Gavin has banked is hanging above the Travelator.

There's a trip to Majorca...

-Golf clubs...

-..washing machine...

-..tablet...

-..games console...

-..tumble dryer...

-..gaming chair...

-..a smartphone...

-..fridge freezer...

..and a smart watch.

So, here is what Gavin has got to do to take them home with him tonight.

All the prizes Gavin has banked in the previous rounds

are hanging in the air above this fast-moving travelator.

Gavin has 60 seconds to touch as many prizes as he can -

and, of course, everything he touches, he wins.

OK, Gavin, this is it, mate.

Are you ready?

As ready as I'll ever be.

-They look pretty high, don't they?

-From down here, they look very high.

You have 60 seconds, Gavin, to touch and win your ten prizes.

-Ready for it?

-Yeah.

-Then go and get into position. Good luck, Gavin.

Cheers. Thank you.

There they all are, all Gavin's banked prizes.

So close!

It won't be easy, but that's why we call this show "Can't Touch This" -

not "Just Seriously, You Know, Take What You Like."

KLAXON BLARES

Gavin's out of the gate.

Double tap! The fridge and the trip to Majorca.

And he's won the tumble dryer.

And a double tap again - golf clubs and the tablet.

Oh, and he's missed!

And he's got his eyes on the washing machine, there.

Washing machine, and... Oh! Just out of reach!

Can't quite get it.

That's the washing machine and the smartphone! Woohoo!

That's the gaming chair and the gaming console -

got a chair to go with that!

-Gavin!

-25 seconds, Gavin. 25 seconds!

Come on, take a breath. What haven't you got? Come on.

Breathe through! Come on.

Get the smart watch!

It's time to win that smart watch.

-Just take it. Go on, Gavin!

-Ready?

Come on, Gavin, you can get it.

One last time. One last time.

BOTH: Nine, eight, seven, six

five, four, three,

two, one.

An astronomical effort from our Rocket Man Gavin!

Well done.

-Oh, my goodness me.

-Here he is.

-Did you enjoy that?

That was fantastic.

That was really good fun.

Sabrina, your lovely wife,

and Ethan, your little boy, are going to be...

They're just going to be stoked at how well you've done.

You said when you applied to take part in this show,

there wasn't any point in taking part unless you were going to win -

and that's exactly what you've done.

Bar one thing, I think you pretty much got all the prizes.

-Literally, you got nine.

-That's fantastic.

The only thing you didn't was the smart watch.

Honestly, you got the trip to Majorca, the golf clubs,

the washing machine, the tablet, the games console, the tumble dryer,

-the gaming chair, the smartphone...

-He could go on about it for hours.

-..and a fridge freezer, Gavin.

-That's brilliant.

I mean, that is all great, Gavin -

but, as you well know, there is still one very special prize.

-Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

-You're looking forward to it?

-Think you can do it?

-Oh, easily.

-Ah-ha-ha, I like it. Great.

Let's jump for the car.

If Gavin can make one more fantastic leap

and touch that car, it will be his.

One small leap for a Rocket Man...

one slightly bigger leap for a hatchback.

So, Gavin, now we're up here,

you can actually see how far away the car is.

What's going through your mind?

It's a lot further away than I thought it was.

It is far. I mean, that is no easy feat.

Do you think you can do it?

-I'm going to give it my best shot.

-That's what I like to hear.

It's all yours.

So, here we go.

One contestant, one car,

one giant leap.

Gavin, best of luck, my darling.

In your own time...

jump for the car.

One jump.

One chance.

One car.

KLAXON BLARES

He did it!

He won the car.

Well done, Gavin, you've won the car!

I mean, you've also won nine other prizes,

but you've won the flippin' car!

Also, nice midriff.

-Bring it in.

-Oh, my goodness me.

-Well done. Come in there.

What are you thinking right now?

"I've got a new car."

-You have.

-That is yours.

-That's brilliant.

I didn't even expect to get past Round One

and to have made it this far,

and then to have won the car as well,

is just phenomenal.

-Do you feel quite emotional?

-Yeah, a little bit.

I'm emotional as well.

What do you think Sabrina is going to say when she finds out?

"Can I have it?"

"Can I have it?"

-Do you reckon...? Is that her kind of car?

-Yeah.

And don't forget, you haven't just won the car,

you've won nine other prizes fantastic prizes.

Trip to Majorca, washing machine, tumble dryer, everything.

-You took home everything.

-Yeah.

Do you think the boys and girls will be proud down at the station?

Yeah. When I tell them.

-They know nothing about this?

-No, nothing at all.

-They do now.

-They will do.

-Well done, Gavin.

-Thank you.

-Splendid skills today.

Absolutely brilliant.

That's it, until next time

when we'll have more contestants

trying to touch more great prizes.

Till then, stay in touch.

Say goodbye, Sue.

What? Did somebody say my name?

-Bye!

-Oh, yes. Goodbye. Bye!