Episode 3 Can't Touch This

One rule - touch the prize, win the prize.

But doing that takes a whole load of this...

HE SCREAMS IN SLOW-MO

A ridiculous amount of this...

And absolutely masses of this...

-BOTH:

-This is Can't Touch This!

Hello, I'm Zoe Ball.

And I'm Ashley Banjo and welcome to a brand-new physical game show -

Can't Touch This.

We have heaps of prizes just waiting to be won

by anyone who can touch them.

It really is as simple as that.

-Simple!

-All the contestants have to do is run up beams.

Be fired from a catapult.

Run along Travelators.

Get dunked into water.

OK, maybe it's not quite that straightforward, but we do

have an eager crew of contestants raring to have a go anyway.

And to tell us who they are and keep tabs on how they do,

we have the dulcet tones of Sue Perkins, how are you, Sue?

Well, I've got this rash, but now's not the time.

Let's meet our contestants.

They're brave, they're bold, they're on day release.

MUSIC: Indiana Jones Theme by John Williams

Tonight, these troops will attempt to make their families,

if not their countries, proud.

Within their ranks, a Brucie impersonator from Comber,

a karate instructor from London who likes to play imaginary darts,

and a baker from Armagh with a terrible sense of direction.

But which one of them will be jumping for that brand-new car?

And it all starts here.

Our catapult sends our contestants on a short

but exhilarating flight into a foam pit.

Then, it's on to the Travelator,

high above is the first touch point.

Touch it and bank a robotic lawn mower,

handy if you've got a robotic lawn.

Also on the Travelator, the second touch point, which banks

an exercise bike. Mine's with my dumbbells,

some mornings I don't know which not to use first.

One misstep on the Travelator and you'll be in the drink.

Then it's a short trip to Stack 'Em High,

just build a tower to reach

touch point number three and bank a

trip to Berlin. Oh, the Big Apple.

Then take the mighty pole across the water to the beam.

Dodge the swinging punchbags to reach the fourth touch point,

and bank a very clever smartwatch.

Next, it's down the slide to the two swinging touch points, which

bank a 3D printer and a tablet.

I printed out my own Ashley Banjo,

don't tell him!

The last touch point stops the clock

and banks a food mixer,

which can't be beaten.

For each touch point they've missed, they get a 30-second penalty,

and whoever gets through to the end of the show gets a chance to

win what they've banked.

Them's the rules, don't blame me, I'm just here for the buffet.

So I know they're all raring to get on with it.

And we're all raring to watch them.

So let's see who's first up tonight.

First up, we have Maverick Mark from Southampton.

He's currently training for his pilot's license.

Oh, and for some reason, one of his fingers is sticking up.

Do you have a game plan tonight or are you just going to wing it?

-I'm going to wing it, yeah.

-Well, I'm sure you're going to fly

-through the course.

-I certainly hope I will be flying at several points.

OK, Maverick, emergency exit's to your left and right!

KLAXON

MUSIC: Take My Breath Away by Berlin

Thank you for flying massive catapult, and a happy landing.

He's like Banana Man there.

Maverick Mark at the Travelator now,

this is for the robotic lawn mower

Oh, just missed it.

Never seen that before!

But he manages to avoid the water, by getting friction burns.

The second touch point banks the exercise bike.

Boom!

And that's the exercise bike in the bank.

He's like a prize-seeking missile..

Next up is Stack 'Em High.

This game is all about stacking things high,

we worked really hard on that name.

Third touch point banks a trip to Berlin.

-Ohhhh!

-Oh, has he got the balance?

-Come on.

Oooh!

Back-breaking work.

MUSIC: Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins

Ah, gosh!

You're doing great, Mark!

Are you watching the same show as us, Ash?

Keep it going!

Oh. Mark, that's not balanced, that's not balanced, Mark.

Struggling with heights there?

Not good for a pilot, Mark.

He's going...he's going again!

Mark taking longer to bank the trip to Berlin

-than it would do to get there.

-Come on, Mark.

Yes!

Berlin in the bank for Maverick Mark.

Mark, you're a legend!

I've been called other things!

You've been called other things.

Now, it's time for the Wall Of Dooooooom...

which he made look quite easy.

-Easy peasy.

-He's done it he's done it! I couldn't look.

Now our very own danger zone...

..it's the pole-vault.

-Legs and arms, Mark, all about the grip.

-Grip it, grip it!

Grip it!

Oh, that's going to leave a mark, Mark.

MUSIC: Take My Breath Away by Berlin

Don't worry Mark, we'll find the black box,

we've deployed search and rescue for you.

You all right, Mark?

-Having the time of my life, mate.

-SHE LAUGHS

And it's on to the beam and those pesky punchbags.

This touch point banks the smartwatch.

Ohhhh!

Heavens to murgatroyd.

Maverick Mark you have multiple bogies on your radar,

they might be hostile!

Oh!

Oh, oh, ah.

That punchbag's waiting for him to get up.

Ugh!

Oh! Direct hit!

Smartwatch in the bank and a dig in the ribs for Mark.

Mark at the slide now, he's cleared for landing.

Will he bank the 3D printer and tablet?

No, he misses them both!

Maverick Mark banks the food mixer and stops the clock.

Nicely done, Mark.

He flew through the course and banked four prizes,

but picked up three 30-second time penalties, giving him a total time

of 08:47, making our top gun the time to beat.

-Did you enjoy yourself?

-I loved every minute, Zoe.

Did you? Oh! Great, I'll tell you what, you put

-the fear of God in me when you slipped...

-Terrible!

..you did some quite incredible stunt-landing.

-I hope it looked good.

-I know!

-Well done, my darling.

-Thank you, Zoe.

Next up is shy and retiring Sarah,

a gymnastic-loving mum from Northern Ireland.

Nice bright top, does a lot of motorway work.

Sarah, you do the trampoline, you can do summersaults, and you've got

a punchbag at home. This is going to be

a walk in the park for you, surely.

-Oh, yeah, I'm going to try and hop, skip, and jump through it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Have our fingers crossed, off to the catapult, good luck.

KLAXON SHE SCREAMS

That blood-curdling scream just means she's enjoying herself,

our lawyers said.

Reminds me of...

MUSIC: Thriller by Michael Jackson

Screaming Sarah at the Travelator now, can she touch it?

No! She can't!

-Oh!

-I'm expecting better.

Gosh! She runs with those arms, doesn't she? She...

-HE GRUNTS

-She's like Daniel Craig.

So that's no exercise bike either, but a cold bath.

Ugh, ugh.

Stack 'Em High now.

Is the trip to Berlin within touching distance?

-Now she'll be good at this, it's all about the balance.

-Yeah!

-BOTH:

-Ooooooh!

Yes! Bon appetit.

Now the Wall Of Doom...

we are so changing that name.

Oh, that's it, nicely done, Sarah!

-Yeah.

-Hey!

Heel kick!

I love it! Can you do it? Here we go.

OK, Sarah. Just grab the po...

OK.

-She's lost the pole.

-Oh, dear!

Oh, no!

Yay!

All right, gymnast on the beam, this should be good.

Yeah, she's a gymnast,

she'll probably just cartwheel it.

Didn't have those in our school gym.

We just had a hoop.

Oh! Well done.

Ugh!

-Missed her bum by about that much!

-Ow!

Ohhh!

Magnificent piece of showboating there from Screaming Sarah.

Almost there now, a 3D printer

and tablet up for grabs.

And she banks the printer but misses the tablet.

Screaming Sarah stops the clock and banks the food mixer with

a time of 05:20 including time penalties.

Result!

Sarah, come over here!

-Uh!

-Uh!

Oh, it's just a bit cold!

-Just a bit cold?

-Yeah!

Sarah, you've done really well, you've banked yourself a trip

to Berlin, how do you feel about that?

Woooo!

I think she likes it!

This is Alistair,

an IT consultant from Manchester with an unusual hobby.

MUSIC: Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf

Alistair, you've taken a cheetah for a walk

and you've played with lions before.

So, are you ready to take another walk on the wild side on our course?

I am, I'm ready to dig my claws into this course

and get on and kill it. Grrrrr.

All right, don't scratch it, be careful.

-The catapult's waiting for you.

-Cheers, thanks.

He's already banked himself the robotic lawn mower

and the trip to Berlin, but how will he fare on the pole?

I'll level with you, it was rubbish.

MUSIC: Roar by Katy Perry

Oh, that's got to hurt.

-Oh!

-That was quite a thwack!

His voice is definitely a little bit higher now.

WHISPERS: The lion whisperer's on the beam now.

I said the lion whisperer's on the beam now!

Do not forget the punchbags.

Ohhhh!

And he's off the beam.

Why would you grab onto the thing that's swinging at speed?

Now for the slide, can he bank the 3D printer and tablet?

MUSIC: Wild Thing by The Troggs

More or less, that's the printer in the bank.

And he stops the clock

and banks the food mixer with a time of 06:04.

Flashy.

The punchbag really did take you down

and actually, you sort of almost threw yourself into the foam there.

It didn't go as planned.

-It didn't, I thought I could avoid it.

-Yeah.

-But it was wet, slippy, tired.

-Yeah.

Meet John from Glasgow, a man who likes to bake.

Someone should make a show about that.

And the lovely Rachel, who also bakes.

Now, you're a keen baker, Rachel,

so are you going to rise to the occasion tonight?

Ashley, you ain't seen muffin yet.

She's got the lines.

-Well, off you go to the catapult.

-Thanks.

You could say this is the Great British, ah, wait a minute...

OVEN PINGS Bake!

SHE SCREAMS

-SHE SCREAMS

-Weeee!

Fire!

Relax, we did let Rachel out of there before we launched him...

I think.

Rachel's at the Travelator first.

-It's a long way for Rachel.

-Can she bank the robotic lawn mower?

Oh!

Oh, no, she can't.

MUSIC: If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked A Cake by Eileen Barton

Oh, goes down again!

Third time! Third time she's stopped herself from going in the water!

Will John do any better?

Yes! Oops, now flat as a pancake.

Oh, that's a soggy bottom for sure.

Up and out of the water quickly there.

Oh, slide!

Come on crawl!

Oh, we so want someone to be able to do that.

MUSIC: Candyman by Christina Aguilera

And Rachel is off and running.

-Go!

-Woohoo!

And she's banked the exercise bike.

Ohhh!

She didn't... Ah, I really thought she had it!

Ohhhh.

John at the beam now.

Can he get a smartwatch in the bank?

-Ohhhh, Ooooo.

-No, he can't.

Oooo, overworked.

And he's fallen on his baked goods.

Swiss roll, anyone?

MUSIC: Sweets For My Sweet by The Drifters

Can Rachel do any better?

No.

Oh-ho!

Sadly, no smartwatches in the bank for Rachel.

But don't worry, we let baker John out of there before she fell in...

I think.

Yes, there he is on the slide,

and he misses them both.

But he banks a food mixer

and stops the clock with a time of 07:06.

Rachel's turn now, will she pull off a show stopper?

Oh, sadly half-baked.

But she banks the mixer

and stops the clock with a time of 08:40.

This feisty young man is Dan Spillman from Epping.

You could get a mortgage with those eyes.

Dreamboat Dan is at the Travelator, looking good.

Nice work. Oh, go on, go on! You can, you can!

Oh, he keeps his feet!

Oh, oh!

MUSIC: What A Man by Linda Lyndell

Oh, he's going again, ohhh!

Well, at least he banked the robotic lawn mower.

Yeah, well, he loves his garden.

Oh, and looking even better wet.

Stack 'Em High now.

Oh, ay!

And he's flying, Berlin's banked.

Dan, looking good!

Looks like Dreamboat Dan has finally poled.

Uh.

-Woooo!

-Ohhhhh!

Dreamboat Dan longingly hugging the pole,

but she likes to be wooed first with flowers and chocolates.

She shows him, with a slap in the face. Boom!

And then gives him the cold shoulder and dumps him in the drink.

MUSIC: I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner

You all right there, Dan?

Don't worry, Dan...

plenty more fish in the sea.

Dreamboat Dan making great time,

the smartwatch is his if only he can survive the beam.

-Ooooooh!

-They're not even bothering him at all.

Survive it? He's barely noticing it.

-Easy does it.

-Nice work, Dan!

-Easy.

MUSIC: Mr Sandman by The Chordettes

Can he bank the 3D printer and the tablet?

Oh, he's missed them both!

But he banks the food mixer and stops the clock with

a time of 03:55 including penalties.

Beautifully done.

Dan, you were so fast I couldn't get here in time.

Oh, my Lord, that was incredible!

-A lot harder than it looks.

-Well, listen, well done.

-Good time, fingers crossed.

-Thank you very much.

Dreamboat Dan's gone straight in

at the top of the leaderboard with

a dreamy time of 03:55.

And our trainee pilot Mark,

in sixth place, is taking a nosedive

with a time of 08:47.

Still to come on Can't Touch This...

the Cowboy...

..the Redcoat...

..our happiest contestant ever, look at that smile!

Will any of them make the top six and go on to leap for the car?

Next up, we have Linda, a rugby playing member of MENSA.

So is it going to be brains or muscle around the course tonight?

I'm hoping there's a bit of a third option in the mix,

a bit of luck as well.

Brains, muscle, and luck.

Sounds like a good recipe to me, Linda, off to the catapult.

Time for kick-off, Linda.

KLAXON SHE SCREAMS

And she's still in the foam.

Oh, she's wrestling with the foam. Look at that.

-Come on, Linda.

-Round One, ding, ding, ding!

Give her a break she plays rugby union,

that's the one without the blue foam!

Let's get someone else on while she sorts herself out.

Meet happy Hannah from Barry in South Wales.

She's ready to face the Travelator.

Oh, that's so fast!

-BOTH:

-Yes! Oh!

And that's the robotic lawn mower in the bank,

and her teeth on the Travelator.

Good stop, there.

MUSIC: Happy Days Theme Song by Bobby Arvin

Aw, look she's still smiling, or is that her mid-sob?

(That is freezing.)

And it's on to Stack 'Em High.

I can't look up!

Where is it?

-You've got it, you've got it!

-Almost, almost! Go!

-Yes!

-Yay!

She does it with ease.

Hang on, Linda's emerged from the foam.

Yes, Linda's at the Travelator

and oops, that doesn't bode well.

Mind the step, Linda, mind the step.

Now, just leap on like a line-out.

-Oh!

-Oooh.

Oh, Linda!

I hope she was wearing a gum shield for that...

everywhere.

Oooh!

-Good try.

-Good try!

Stack 'Em High now.

MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead

Will she bank the trip to Berlin?

Ohhhh! Reach for Berlin, Linda!

-You've got it, you've got it!

-Oh, and in the bank!

Conversion!

Oh, my goodness, what is this about?

Oh, she's seen the pole vault!

"What is this about?" is a very good question, Linda.

Now, grip it, grrrrr, grip it!

Imagine it's a scrum, Linda.

-She takes it on!

-Goooooo!

-Wow. A bit of water there.

-Well done, Linda!

I'd watch more rugby if it was like this.

Now for the beam. Watch out for those punchbags, Linda.

Oh, I did say! Linda.

MUSIC: Looking For Linda by Hue And Cry

Linda?

-Linda?

-Ohhhh.

You remember Linda, right? Red hair, bruises?

Oh, she's stuck in the foam again. Come on, where's Hannah?

There she is.

Hannah missed out on the smartwatch,

but will she bank the 3D printer and tablet?

Nicely done! No wonder she's still smiling.

She stops the clock and banks the food mixer with a time of 05:51.

Oh, my God.

-How'd you find it?

-That was amazing.

-It was good?

-Absolutely amazing.

Yeah! Well, you said you wanted to come today to have a good time.

-Yes.

-So you've succeeded?

-Definitely.

-You think you've done enough to get into Round Two?

-I hope so.

-Me too.

-I hope so.

-I think you've done really well.

-Thank you.

Yes! Happy Hannah takes third place,

she's never going to stop smiling now.

Which means Maverick Mark crashes off,

and Rachel is feeling the heat

in sixth place. She's now the one to beat.

Meet Claire, a wannabe Redcoat from Scotland.

So should we expect quite an entertaining run?

As long as I don't fall flat on my face, I'm sure it'll be good.

-Fingers crossed for you.

-Fingers crossed!

OK, can Redcoat Claire bank herself a robotic lawn mower?

And what was that about not wanting to end up on your face?

As long as I don't fall flat on my face, I'm sure it'll be good.

MUSIC: Let Me Entertain You by Robbie Williams

An early bath for Claire.

Inter... Ooh! Interesting Travelator technique there.

It's like a dog on a carpet, you know when they do that?

-They do that thing?

-Yeah, in Croydon we call it a scooch.

I think it's best we move on.

Awwww.

Now can she bank the smartwatch and make it to the end of the beam?

Categorically...a no.

-BOTH:

-Oooh.

And that's where we leave Claire, on top of a buried Linda,

in a pit of blue foam.

Meet Snooker Loopy Liam from Lancashire.

Now, Liam, you're a semi-professional snooker player.

-That's right.

-So the question is,

will you be making a big break for glory tonight?

Eh, tonight, yeah, I will.

Um, I'm not going to let anything beat me on this course.

The only thing I'm waiting for now is the cue.

-Well, the cue is here, go for it.

-Right now.

-The catapult awaits. All right, now, go.

-Cheers.

Jettison! KLAXON

HE YELLS

Oh, he's acting like he's never been fired across a studio before.

MUSIC: Snooker Loopy by Chas And Dave

-The noise doesn't go with the face.

-In he goes! So brilliant.

I love it when people really enjoy the catapult.

Liam preparing for the Travelator now.

Quiet, please.

-Yes, he can! Oh! Up, up, up, up!

-Stay out of the water!

-Go on, yes! He's stayed out of the water.

-Oh, he's dry!

He's dry, no, no! He's in! No!

-He just wasted the whole advantage!

-What's he doing?

Making a big break for the second touch point

after an unnecessary dip.

Get down, crawl! Little roll. No, awwww.

Stack 'Em High now for Liam.

He used to play rugby,

absolutely lugging those blocks around.

-Ohhh!

-I don't know, good balance.

-Balance, balance.

-Look at him.

Oh, no, no, no! Whoops.

-It's all right.

-Take a seat, Liam, take a seat.

-You can take a second attempt.

-All right, here we go.

Boom!

-Yes! Trip to Berlin in the bank!

-Trip to Berlin.

Liam on the pole.

I'd use the extension for this shot.

-Go on Liam! Ooh!

-Oooh! Straight in the centre pocket.

Whoa, that was a serious dunking.

Looks pretty shocked.

Liam, how's the water?

Want to come and find out?

-Nah, I'm all right up here, mate, thank you.

-Ohhh.

Now for the beam. Liam, think of it as a bridge.

For those of you watching in black and white, the punchbags are

the large yellow and blue objects swinging towards Liam's face.

Double kisser for our Snooker Loopy lad.

He got taken out by the punchbag and then hit that beam hard.

Now on the slide, Liam eyeing up the plant.

Oh, it's a missed shot for Liam and he pots nothing!

Stops the clock and racks up a time of 07:31.

Meet Lisa and Bau.

They both love running, which is good because this is a race, right?

KLAXON

MUSIC: Flower Duet by Lakme

Now, technically, the foam isn't supposed to be an obstacle,

it's just sort of foam, really.

Lisa's at the Travelator.

Ooooh!

-Can she avoid the splash?

-Ahhhh.

-Nope.

Sorry Lisa, sorry.

Now Bau's at the Travelator.

Can she bank the robotic lawn mower?

Ooooh! No, she can't.

MUSIC: Fiesta by The Pogues

Lisa's at the Wall Of Doom.

Let's do a dance, do a dance.

This is so much harder than what I wanted.

-SINGS:

-Stack 'Em High.

Put the yellow one, on the blue one.

Put the... No, no.

Bau banked the trip to Berlin and now she's at the wall.

Now, is that high enough? Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.

Bau, I think maybe you should rethink this.

-Oh, yeah, she's done it!

-She put the yellow one on the blue one!

-Lisa! At last!

-Well done, Lisa!

MUSIC: Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

Yes!

She did it in the end!

-And now the pole for Lisa.

-She's going to go straight over the water.

-Straight over, look. Ready, watch.

-No problems at all.

Ready, there we go, straight over.

Oh, that is going to smart.

Can she do any better on the beam?

Great timing, Lisa, doing really well, really well...

Was doing really well.

Ohhhh.

She tried to do the koala.

MUSIC: Fiesta by The Pogues

Just the slide left for Lisa

and yes, that's the 3D printer banked!

Also the food mixer and she stops the clock with a time of

10:22 including penalties.

Does anyone remember Bau?

Well, she's on the beam.

Oooh, she's really close to the edge.

-Oh, don't do it, Bau.

-Oh, she's put her back to the punchbag,

-that is a bad idea.

-Bau, just run, just run!

That's a bad idea! No, Bau, no!

Well, that went well.

-Ahhhhh, boom.

-What did we say?

Well, maybe not the most successful beam we've ever seen,

but she did manage to bank the smartwatch on the way down.

And that's where we leave Bau.

At least she'll be some company for Claire and Linda down there.

Let's have a look at the leaderboard.

Dreamboat Dan's still looking good

at the top of the leaderboard

with his time of 03:55.

And Snooker Loopy Liam has tucked

himself into sixth place,

but can he hold on there?

Let's find out.

Next, we have Clint,

a civil servant from Hove with a cowboy's first name.

Clint, you used to run a betting shop.

What are the odds on you finishing the course today?

I'm definitely going to finish the course, um, odds on getting

into the first six, which is what I want to do, about 11 to 8.

OK, all right, I'd put money on that. Good luck, my darling.

Thank you.

Got to ask yourself one question, Clint,

do you feel lucky, punk?

I also do Michael Cane.

KLAXON

HE YELLS

Oh, Clint's in!

On to the Travelator.

-And the robotic lawn mower is in the bank!

-Ohhhh!

Oh, and so is the exercise bike! That's a fun night in.

-Yes!

-Oh, look. Look at that!

Cowboy Clint taking some time out of the competition to do

the moonwalk there.

Now for the leap, giddy up Clint!

And....

No. Still got wet.

Next up is Stack Em' High.

Clint appears to be going for the one block approach.

Got a bit of a wobble on there.

-Oh!

-Oooh!

That was Clint showing us what not to do at Stack 'Em High.

So, it feels like the perfect time to give you...

If, like me, you're wondering how to get the most out of those massive

coloured blocks and dangling touch points in the hallway,

then here's how.

Method one - use the blocks to make a strong, solid stack,

so you can easily climb and reach it.

Method two - use enough blocks to get high enough to enable you to

jump to the touch point.

But do remember it's against the clock.

And here's how not to do it.

Don't position the blocks in the wrong place,

so you struggle to touch the touch point.

MUSIC: The Only Way Is Up by Yazz

-Oooh, it's about to topple.

-Looks like he's about to take a tumble.

Don't get the blocks wet!

Woo! Oh, no! Whoops!

Don't forget how short you really are.

And don't only use one block and attempt to jump up and touch it.

Like Clint is doing right now.

That's more like it, Clint, add another block.

This game is called Stack 'Em High for a reason.

That's Berlin banked! And now it's the pole vault.

MUSIC: Jaws Theme by John Williams

What's the matter, Clint? Don't you have these in Hove?

Wrap it, Clint! Wrap it like clingfilm!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

Oh, no.

Whoa, look at the speed he comes out of that water, though!

It's cold.

Now for the slide.

Ohhh!

Cowboy Clint banks the food mixer, every cowboy's dream!

Stops the clock with a time of 04:04 including penalties.

Breathe, Clint, breathe!

Heavy breathing there!

-My wife loves you.

-Oh, does she!

Oh, thanks! Clint, how was that for you?

The ramp, it's so much steeper than I had anticipated.

Yeah, it's tough, isn't it? You really did give it your all.

I so hope, I feel I made the last six.

-I think I was fast enough.

-Yeah?

You're determined to prove to the youngsters that you can do this,

-aren't you?

-I wanna win this. So much.

-All right, Clint, well done.

Hopefully, we'll see you Round Two. Nice one.

Cowboy Clint moseys into second place

just behind Dreamboat Dan,

who holds the top spot,

but that means, sadly, Liam has

played his final frame tonight.

With one contestant left to run,

will we also be saying goodbye

to baker John?

Talking of goodbyes...

..bye, Mark.

You weren't that great with heights.

MUSIC: Leaving On A Jetplane by John Denver

Rachel, you couldn't take the heat.

Liam, you snookered yourself on the pole.

Lisa, keep on running.

And Claire, Bau and Linda, turn the lights off when you leave, will you?

Oh, and the catapult. Safe trip home, guys!

Meet Robert, a 58-year-old karate instructor from London.

Can your karate beat the kids tonight?

I hope I'm going to make the top.

He's at the Travelator...

MUSIC: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

Face down.

-Ooooh.

-Ooooh. Just too far for him to reach!

It probably helps that he's a black belt in Travelators.

That's more like it, Karate Rob.

Now for the leap.

Oh, wow, will he get across?

Go on! Oh, yes!

-Oh.

-Ohhh, yes.

-He's going to go!

-Yes!

Quickly on to Stack 'Em High.

Look how fast he's doing that. Oh.

-Built himself a nice tower.

-It's like slightly off the touch

-point, though.

-Oh, yeah, look it's wonky.

Ooowahhh, gosh.

Oooooh, yes.

That's the trip to Berlin banked!

Well done, Robert.

He is quick, very quick indeed.

But will he be quick enough to get to the top six?

Or will Karate Boy get the chop?

Oh. Yeahhh.

Now for the pole, will his size be an advantage?

No. No, I miscalculated that.

HE YELLS

Comes right off.

Now the beam, this is all about footwork.

I'm imagining as he teaches karate, he'll be fully aware of...

Whoops!

Oh, that looks sore.

-Clearly not.

-Maybe not.

-Have you ever done karate?

-I'm a brown belt, actually.

-No way.

-I am in judo.

-You're so not.

-I am.

-Are you really?

-Punch me. Other hand.

Other hand. Other hand.

And finally the slide.

And he banks the tablet.

Karate Robert stops the clock at 05:31.

He has made the final six!

-Big screams from the catapult today!

-Big screams.

THEY SCREAM

Brutal punchbags today as well.

Those punchbags just whapping people out left, right, and centre.

Some great performances,

but it's only the six best times who make it through to Round Two.

So let's see who has made it.

In at number one is Dreamboat Dan.

Second place is Cowboy Clint.

Taking third spot, Screaming Sarah.

Karate Robert is in fourth position.

Happy Hannah is laughing in fifth place.

And holding on to the top sixth

position, our wild thing, Alistair.

See you all in Round Two.

They might have been brilliant on the first part of the course,

but now they're racing against each other.

There are no time penalties in this round,

the only rule is don't be last.

It all kicks off on spinning platforms,

the name describes them perfectly because they spin, you see.

From the platforms, contestants move on to Clamber Crossing.

They clamber over the crossing to a set of touch points,

which bank a state-of-the-art TV.

But there are only five touch points

so one contestant will miss out and leave the game.

After a very quick sit down, they're off again.

Through the water and up the Uneven Stairs

to the rings as they attempt to make

their way to the four touch points

to bank them a luxury pan set.

A...a...a what?

Five into four doesn't go, so another contestant will be

eliminated before they set off again to the Dropping Ropes.

By the way, not all the ropes are connected, so they'll have to

choose wisely, they don't want to end up getting soaked through.

Finally, contestants make their way to the end podium

and bank a shiny new gas barbecue.

But there are only three touch points, which means another

contestant will be eliminated, leaving our final three.

Well, they're suitably sick from all that spinning.

Ashley, Zoe, should we do the right thing

and send them on their way?

I think their brains are pretty scrambled.

-Let's do it, cue the klaxon.

-KLAXON

And they're off.

Clint's first onto Clamber Crossing and it's carnage!

MUSIC: Wild Thing by The Troggs

Interesting roll technique there.

Not fast, just interesting.

And like my trousers, it's all very tight.

Screaming Sarah touches the touch point first,

Hannah and Dan next.

Alistair struggling on the crossing, Cowboy Clint gets it, no!

Karate Robert takes it!

Cowboy Clint takes the last spot,

so it's goodbye to Alistair.

Back in your cage, wild thing.

Robert's looking very pleased with his pink helmet.

Time for the final five to chillax,

soak up the atmosphere and...

SHOUTS: tilt the chairs!

In first, oh, Robert!

Oh, he's still in his chair!

Those uneven stairs are a health and safety nightmare.

Clint, Hannah, and Robert hit the rings first.

Oh, very slow and cautious now.

They're like the queue for my local bingo.

Last out the chair, but Robert's doing well.

Could somebody bring me a copy of War And Peace?

Think this might be a good time.

I've always wanted to read it, twice.

Karate Robert's straight in and banks a luxury pan set.

Cowboy Clint rolls into town, well done, partner.

And it's neck and neck between Dan, Hannah and Sarah!

And Dan takes the next spot

and Sarah pips Hannah at the post.

Talk about exciting!

Oh, unlucky, Hannah. At least she's still smiling.

Six have become four and soon will become three

because we keep taking one away each time.

MUSIC: Ride On Time by Blackbox

KLAXON

And Dreamboat Dan is away first.

Oh, but he's dropped!

That's scuppered his chances.

-Ohhh!

-Sarah's in, Robert's in.

Oh, Robert takes a dunk!

Uh, no, they're all in! Except Clint. Come on, Clint!

-Come on, oh!

-Clint's in next.

Dan's over already.

Dan's pulled it back, he is amazing!

Touch a touch point, through to the next round

and that gas barbecue is in the bank.

-Don't use it on water, though.

-Oh, no! Sarah gets a drop rope.

-No!

Oh, no!

And Karate Robert is next.

Only one place left, it's going to be close.

Sarah and Clint both on the ropes, in all senses.

-Ah, Sarah's across!

-Oh!

Surely, she has to take that final place.

Take your time, girl!

Yes, she does. Well done.

-Yes!

-Bad luck, Clint.

Sadly, we have to say goodbye to Cowboy Clint.

Get out of town, partner!

I'm just so gutted not to be in the final three.

It's been brilliant, what a fantastic experience, it's been.

Happy Hannah.

Just relieved, the course was a little shock to the system.

Keep on smiling.

And Alistair.

I'm very disappointed with not getting through, but such is life.

MUSIC: Memory by Barbra Streisand

I'll survive.

Goodbye, tiger.

One final touch point between these three

and all those glittering prizes.

It's time to take a turn up Spin Mountain.

Spin Mountain is where three become one.

Because as we all know, there can be only one.

Each contestant has to find

and collect their three uniquely coloured discs

and return them to their podiums

in order from these rotating rings.

Only then can they climb up Spin Mountain - which is spinning -

to touch the touch point, bank a very classy moped.

But watch out, some of those handholds are on bungee cords,

which will either end in hilarity or a court case.

KLAXON And they're off!

And they're all on the deck.

Robert looks confused. Discs, Robert! You need to collect them!

Remember what the man said!

Dan and Sarah are doing well, no surprise there.

Robert using his martial arts balance,

or lack of, by the looks of things.

Sarah edging ahead.

Robert just edging.

Nice leisurely stroll for Robert.

No hurry, Rob, it's not a race or anything

EXCEPT IT IS!

He makes it look so...easy.

Sarah has her final disc and she's going for the climb!

Dreamboat Dan right on her tail and right on his derriere.

MUSIC: Dizzy by Vic Reeves And The Wonderstuff

Right we now have a race on our hands.

Oh, if only we were filming this!

Incidentally, this technique is how

they re-engineered Wayne Rooney's hair.

Oh, it's neck and neck!

And we have a winner! Well done, Sarah!

-Sarah!

-Sarah, well done!

How was that?

Oh, my good God, the adrenaline was just pumping!

And then I hit the deck so many times.

-You beat the boys!

-Oh, my gosh!

You've beaten all the boys and all the girls!

-That's like the victory dance!

-Yeah, that is a victory dance.

Sarah, you were a scream.

SHE SCREAMS

I had a front row seat because

I was lying down on the floor at that particular point and all

I could see was her legs going everywhere, but she made it!

Good luck to her.

MUSIC: Waiting For A Star To Fall by Boy Meets Girl

I'd say she was a bit of a dark horse really

cos she's come up from behind quite a lot of times on me

on Round Two, great that she's won it.

I think she thoroughly deserves it

and hopefully with good luck, she'll get that car.

So there they are, just hanging there,

everything that Sarah has banked tonight.

-There's a trip to Berlin.

-A smartwatch.

-A 3D printer.

-A food mixer.

-A television.

-That luxury pan set.

-A gas barbecue.

-And the moped.

-One huge effort and they're all Sarah's.

-Go for it.

All eight prizes Sarah has banked in the previous rounds are

hanging in the air above these fast moving Travelators.

Sarah has 60 seconds to touch as many prizes as possible.

And of course, just like in life, everything she touches she wins.

OK, Sarah, this is it. Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

-Can you do this?

-I think I can do this.

-She sounds certain.

-I know she does.

-You hear it in my voice?

-Good luck, we're all rooting for you.

-Go and get in position.

-Good luck, Sarah.

There they are, all those hard-earned prizes.

All within Sarah's reach.

It won't be easy, but that's why we call this show Can't Touch This,

not "I can have them anyway, it's in my contract."

Cue the klaxon. KLAXON

Oh, she got the luxury pan set and the moped with one jump!

Great start!

Going for the 3D printer. Ohhh.

She's missed it.

Crossing the Travelator is a very risky business.

She's back on her feet.

-Jump!

-You can get Berlin!

Oh, she hasn't got it in her.

She's knackered, she's knackered.

Come on, Sarah!

Take your time, Sarah, then go for that trip to Berlin.

Come on Sarah, keep on going one final push!

-15 seconds, darling.

-15, take your time.

-You can do it.

-Go on, one last push.

-One last push.

-Go for it!

Ohhh, darling.

Three, two, one.

Oh, and that's it, time's up.

Take a bow, Sarah, epic effort.

Sarah! Oh, my goodness me.

How was that for you, my darling?

Oh, my God, my legs just went, the energy in my...

-Oh, my poor legs.

-You're so tired, I know.

It was tough, it was tough, I have to admit.

It's really tough, but hey!

-You won the luxury pan set...

-Woohoo!

..and possibly, a little bit more exciting, you won the moped.

WOOOOO!

-How do you feel about that?

-Cruisin'!

-Sarah, you really did your best.

-Oh, gosh.

Honestly, you did amazing.

And you have earned the right to go for the star prize.

So are you ready for this, then?

I am really, I'm going to do my best. I'm going to try.

Well, Sarah, the time is now.

Sure you can do it?

I am going to give it a heck of a go.

I've got everything crossed, now's your chance to win it.

Let's jump for the car.

If Sarah can leap across this void and touch the car,

she will be driving it home.

You said it was cool to park there, right guys? It's OK?

So, Sarah we're up the tower. Have a look.

That could be your new baby.

-Can you see yourself in that car?

-Oh, yeah, definitely.

I know your son, Lucas, will be

watching this at home on the telly.

What do you think he's going

to think about his mum leaping through the sky for a car.

I think he'll be quite shocked, um,

-maybe a little bit in disbelief.

-I think he will.

We all know you can do it, I totally believe you can do it,

the whole crew, everyone at home waiting for you,

-they know you can do it. Good luck, my darling.

-Thank you.

So here we go - one contestant, one car, one giant leap.

Sarah, are you ready?

You can do this.

Wish you the best of luck.

And in your own time,

jump for the car.

One jump...

one chance...

..one car.

KLAXON

Oh, no, she just missed it! Oh, no!

Oh, unlucky, Sarah. It just wasn't to be.

Ugh...

MUSIC: Happy Ending by Mika

It's not making it any better seeing it again and again!

EMOTIONAL: It's the hope that kills you.

-Ohhhhh.

-So sorry!

You did so well, just, oh, no.

-Give us a hug, give us a hug.

-Oh, thank you.

-And made that leap, yeah?

-Thank you, thank you!

-So close, you were so close.

-But yet so far away.

-And yet so far away.

But you're not leaving without a vehicle,

-Oh!

-Yes! You've got the moped!

-I have my moped!

-You won a moped.

Who needs a car?

I know! That's quite sexy, isn't it?

-It is, indeed.

-Boop, boop!

-Sarah, you've done so incredibly well today.

-Thank you.

-You're still our winner.

-Thank you very much.

You've beaten off some incredible competition.

-Thank you.

-You've been fantastic.

-Have you had a good time?

Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh! Woooo!

What a woman, what a woman!

-Oh, my gosh!

-We love you, we absolutely love you.

Lucas, your mum is so cool.

That is it until next time

when we'll be back with another action-packed show.

I have to do the dance.

Say goodbye, Sue.

-Don't talk to me, I'm in pieces!

-Bye, guys.

-Bye.