Episode 2 Can't Touch This

One rule - touch the prize, win the prize.

But doing that takes a whole load of this...

A ridiculous amount of this...

And absolutely masses of this.

BOTH: This is Can't Touch This!

Hello, and welcome to a brand-new physical game show,

Can't Touch This. I'm Zoe Ball.

And I'm Ashley Banjo.

Tonight, contestants from all walks of life will be

taking on our mega course to try and win some fantastic prizes.

Yes! Young, old, short, tall, hairy and bald, we've got the lot.

And they all want to touch and win our prizes.

But only one of them will battle through to the final round

and get that chance, along with the opportunity to go home

with a brand-new car.

That's right, brand-new and untouched by human hands.

So, let's meet this merry band of men and women

as they prepare to set off on their epic journey.

And to make the introductions, our co-host and commentator,

and my street-dancing soul mate, Sue Perkins.

Thanks, Ash, see you for a body-pop later.

Let's meet our contestants.

They're brave, they're bold, they're wishing this was a pop quiz.

Within their ranks...

a man with his hand stuck to his ear, from Belfast...

a pesky pest controller...

a dosey-doe dancer from Selby...

and an ex-boy band member from London with very itchy hands.

They're all hoping they can touch this - not him - tonight!

And it all starts here.

Our catapult sends our contestants on a short

but exhilarating flight into a foam pit.

Then it's on to the Travelator.

High above is the first touchpoint.

Touch it and bank a set of four mountain bikes.

There was an offer on, all right?!

Also on the Travelator, the second touchpoint, which banks a computer.

You know, those things from the future.

Pretty soon everyone's going to have one!

But one misstep on the Travelator and you'll be in the drink.

Then it's a short trip to Stack 'Em High.

Build a tower to reach touchpoint number three

and bank a very smart smartphone.

Then take the mighty pole across the water to the beam.

Dodge the swinging punch bags to reach the fourth touchpoint,

and bank a trip to Rome!

Oh, Tower Bridge!

Next, it's down the slide to the two swinging touch points,

which bank a drone and a games console.

Techie treats for your inner geek.

The last touchpoint stops the clock and banks a running machine!

Great, you can put it next to the exercise bike you don't use.

For each touchpoint they've missed, they get a 30-second penalty.

And whoever gets through to the end of the show gets a chance

to win what they've banked.

Don't blame me. I'm just a disembodied voice.

So that's the size of the challenge facing our contestants in round one.

They're chomping at the bit to get out there and give it their all.

Let's see who's first in the queue.

Meet Kevin - he's a student from Northern Ireland

and apparently a budding secret agent...

although I don't think you're supposed to tell people that.

Kevin, I hear you'd love to be a secret agent.

Do I spy a winner?

Well, actually I've got a licence to kill this course.

So, let's have it.

-Ah, love it. Right, good luck. Off to the catapult.

-Yeah!

Bond films are about their big openings.

Here's ours...chuck him through air!

STARTING HORN

ZOE AND ASH LAUGH

Oh. We need to talk about Kevin.

He's out of the foam and off to the Travelator.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Is he speaking in some kind of secret code?

OK, the first touchpoint banks the bikes,

the second touchpoint banks the computer.

Let's see what he's got.

A very sore chin.

-Ooooh!

-Oh, look, that last grasp!

But he banks the mountain bikes.

-Let's hope that doesn't leave him shaken or stirred.

-Yes!

-He banks the computer. And now the leap...

-Oh, oh, oh!

-..into a wall.

-Ow!

Go on, Kevin, hang on in there! Get your leg up, leg up.

-Yeah! He's done it!

-Wahoo!

-Kevin.

-I'm soaking!

He spies Stack 'Em High...

Am I done yet?

Can our man from MI5 use those blocks to get MI high

and bank that smartphone?

Kevin!

And now, Mr Bond, I expect you to climb.

It's the wall of dooooom.

Where's the car? Give me the car.

You are going to have to work for it, Kevin.

It's a game show.

And now the pole.

Can he crack it?

Legs and arms. Grip it!

HEARTBEAT

Ahhhh!

Nope, but he cracked something else.

Soft tissue injury.

It's cold!

This course should be a prerequisite for any secret agent.

The beam and that fourth touchpoint banks a trip to Rome.

Come at me!

-What a hard man.

-Look at him! He's like,

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."

He's taunting the punchbag.

Noooooo!

Too cocky there, Kevin!

Hmm, more intelligence needed, methinks.

He's gone undercover now.

Now, the final part of his operation - the Slide.

He should be able to spy the end by now...

but can he bank the drone and the games console?

Yes! He banks the drone.

He stops the mission and banks the running machine.

That's mission over for our budding secret agent.

He picked up two 30-second time penalties, giving him

a time of four minutes and three seconds.

He may be wet, but his Martini's dry.

-Yes, Kevin!

-Hug?

Um, maybe not. High-five?

High-five? Yeah, that's why.

He's got the best answers.

Next up, '80s boy band member, Paul, from London.

Paul's come on our show to revive his musical career.

Now, Paul, I hear you're a bit of a songwriter

and you've written a song for us?

It's funny you should say that. Yes, I have. We're going to do

-the shortened version, though. You ready?

-OK. Give it to me.

# It's so hard, can't touch this

# Big prizes you could win

# It's so hard, can't touch this So let the games begin. #

Whoooo!

I'll tell you something else that's hard - that landing!

# It's so hard, can't touch this Let the games begin. #

Pop sensation Paul's reached the Travelator,

which is going in one direction...

his face!

-Boom!

-Whooooo! Go on, Paul.

He's got the mountain bikes.

He's stopped himself from going in the water as well.

Go on, Paul! Go on, Paul!

Come on!

And after that intimate workout, he's banked the computer.

-Absolutely nails the Travelator.

-Oh!

Two prizes, though. Two prizes.

Stack 'Em High now.

Nailed it, smartphone in the bank.

Time for that song again.

# So hard! Can't touch this... #

It may be easier if you weren't singing, Paul...for all of us.

# I'm going to raise the bar So hot, can't touch this

# And win a brand-new car! #

-He's writing the lyrics as he goes.

-He's writing as he goes.

Oh, no! Mum, where are ya?

Does anybody have his mum's phone number? This is an emergency.

This is Terri from Swansea.

She's not Paul's mum.

And this is Jay. He's not Paul's mum either.

But they are the most competitive fitness fanatics we're ever met.

Just listen to them.

-I'm really up for it. Do some exercises as well.

-Oh, yeah, nice.

Really looking forward it. Hopefully go as fast as I can.

I'm going to smash this course.

I wish you the best of luck, Terri. The catapult is waiting.

Terri's at the Travelator.

Now, she should be good at this,

there are tons of Travelators in Swansea.

Oohh! She banks the mountain bikes.

Nice recovery, nice recovery.

She stayed out of the water, well done, Terri!

This is good work. Go on, Terri.

I was wrong.

I think she's having a little lie down now.

Jay's turn on the Travelator now.

He's eying up that touchpoint like he's never seen one before.

Yay!

He's down. He's sodden.

He's got cracking thighs.

Look at him. All the rules are out the window with Jay.

Well, at least he's hydrated.

Go on, Jay, go on, Jay!

Yes!

Computer in the bank.

Fitness fanatic Terri banked the smartphone and now it's the pole.

What's the best way to do it, what's the best way to do it?

The best way to do it... is to slide down it.

That the best way to do it.

-LOUD SQUELCHING

-And that's the sound of friction.

Jay's at Stack 'Em High.

Oh, look, he doesn't even have to jump it.

Oh, easy!

So far, three out of three.

Time for a musical interlude.

Paul's still at the wall.

Can he reach another level and take on that pole?

One, two, three.

Well, he can count, so he's not concussed...yet.

Easy does it there, love.

Back to the beam and it's Terri versus the punchbags.

Look to the left, look to the left.

She forgot to look left.

Ow! Ouch!

Jay's made it to the pole. Can he thwack it?

Oh, it's a double thwack.

No - it thwacked him.

The slide now for Terri.

She banked both prizes, nicely done,

and stops the clock with a time of 5 minutes and 31 seconds.

Jay, I have faith in you...

that's misplaced.

Come on!

Jay triumphantly at the slide.

Can he match Terri?

He's gone for jazz hands. They've not worked for him.

Jay picks up three 30-second time penalties,

giving him a time of 7 minutes and 11 seconds.

-Think you've done enough to get through?

-Ah, I hope so.

It's hard to judge a time, but I did get knocked out quite a lot.

Meanwhile, Paul is serenading the pole.

Give it a bearhug.

Three, two, one.

On the plus side, his falsetto is now going to be awesome.

Looking good, Paul.

He's looking good, though, he's banked all the prizes.

Can he bank the trip to Rome?

# So hot, can't touch this, big prizes you can win

# So hot, can't touch this, let the games begin! #

Pop sensation Paul is making a comeback.

The fourth touchpoint is just underneath the beam.

Touch it and he banks a trip to Rome.

That's not flat enough.

Go low. Yes! Got the trip to Rome in the bank.

It's all about timing.

Wham! Take that!

Seriously, does anyone know the name of his next of kin?

His mum's not answering.

Next up is Miss Crosswaithe, an English Teacher from Lisburn,

who's worried about embarrassing herself in front of her pupils.

I don't know why.

What could be embarrassing about being catapulted

into a foam pit on BBC One?

Launch her!

SHE SCREECHES

Good screaming.

Will she bank the mountain bikes?

Yes, miss!

Oh. Straight in.

-Nearly kept her balance.

-Come on, get going.

Miss Crosswaithe performs the Bolero on the Travelator.

Not sure that's in the current curriculum.

Lovely finish. Misses out on the computer.

30-second time penalty and another quick dip.

See me after.

Smartphone banked! That's an A+ in cheese-climbing, Madame.

Oh! Good.

She keeps it, she holds it.

You thought I was gone there.

Yeah, we did.

Doing good, Amanda. Let's go. Keep it going.

-Don't think about it. Just go for it, Amanda, go for it.

-Come on.

-Hug it!

-Oh, look!

-I thought she was going to do it.

-She was trying to get her legs on.

-That was really well done.

-That was...freezing!

Let it out, keep screaming.

THEY SCREAM TOGETHER

Is that good fun? Ah! I want to do it.

Miss Crosswaithe banks the school trip to Rome

and it's almost home time...

Yes, she banks the games console!

And she stops the clock

and banks the running machine with a time of

4 minutes and 15 seconds. And all without embarrassing herself...

CLEARS HER THROAT

# You're an embarrassment. #

Seriously good vocalizing during that - did that help?

-A good yelp and a squeal?

-I think so, in between the times

-I could breathe.

-There isn't a lot of time for breathing, is there?

-No!

And pretty fast time, fingers crossed.

-Fingers crossed, fingers crossed.

-OK, well done.

Back to Paul on the slide, which is big fun.

The drone and the games console up for grabs here...

and he banks both.

And breaks our camera.

I hope we kept the receipt for that.

Pop sensation Paul stops the clock and banks the running machine

with a time of 9 minutes and 23 seconds

including penalties. Time for another song.

# With Ashley and Zoe, we're going to have a ball... #

That's good - is there more?

-Yeah, there is.

-All right, OK.

# Parachuted into foam and climbing a ten-foot wall. #

-Whoooo!

-Whooo! Oh, sorry.

-I love this man.

Meet Ben, an animal-loving pest controller from West Sussex.

And he's off...

and he's in!

-There goes Ben.

-Bounces the wrong way.

Oh, he's gone seriously far!

Ben the Verminator making quick time here.

Boom! There's the bikes in the bank.

Get up quick. Yes, he's stopped.

He's stopped himself.

Drat.

Come on!

Yes! Wahoo!

Ben flies to the touchpoint!

Ah, like a ferret in a drainpipe.

Oh, it's cold!

Onto Stack 'Em High now.

We're using a touchpoint for bait here.

-Oh! He bags a smartphone.

-Bags a smartphone.

That block of cheese looks like the mouse's revenge to me.

Is he the man for the pole?

Is he the man for the pole?

I knew the answer to that.

Ah, but a lovely lick on that pole.

It's lovely when people leave the place nice and tidy.

But that was quite gracefully done.

The punchbags can be real critters, but I'm sure Ben can handle them.

Can he bank this trip to Rome?

Or will he take a trip to the foam?

He's been working on that for weeks.

Darcy Bussell!

Oh, he saved himself nicely there, Ben.

Love that.

Oh, he saved it!

Cling on, cling on!

That's just one last one,

come on, Ben!

And finally the slide - can he bank every prize?

And he terminates the clock with a time of 3 minutes and 13.5 seconds.

He really gave that the right treatment.

-No time penalties and you got everything.

-That's what it's about.

-Happy about that?

-Very happy about that!

Your reverse technique on the beam to dodge those punchbags,

you weren't even looking.

You just stepped backwards and you kept perfect balance.

Total fluke.

Course exterminated.

Let's go see the leaderboard.

Ben the Verminator has gone straight to number one with a time of

3 minutes and 13 seconds,

while our pop sensation is almost off the charts at 6th place

with a time of 9 minutes and 23 seconds.

Still to come on Can't Touch This -

a tortoise,

a hare

and a warrior princess.

Will any of them make the top six and go on to leap for that car?

Meet Alan Spinks from Edinburgh. He's fluent in Japanese, you know.

Now, Alan, you have a degree in Japanese, and lived there

for a year, so how are you going to ensure we aren't saying sayonara

-to you at the end of round one?

-I'm going to fight till the end

-on this one, Ashley.

-Oh, fighting talk from Alan.

-The catapult awaits, good luck.

-Cheers, mate.

Take off time for Alan. Start the clock.

Hang on, where's he gone?

-Alan?

-Alan, Alan?

-Alan?

-Alan?

A pop of illuminous green from Alan.

At the Travelator now. Oh! Oh!

What is the Japanese for "Oh"?

Bit of a thwack.

-Headfirst into the drink!

-Headfirst.

He's out quickly and back up to try for that computer.

-Oh, slippery feet.

-Go easy, go easy!

-Oh, back first!

-Oh, his coccyx!

Move on, Alan, move on.

Go to Stack 'Em High.

Come on, Alan. I mean, you must have done this before.

ALAN GROWLS

Alan!

Look at that!

He's breaking out of his green shirt!

Yeah, about to burst out of those shorts and shirt.

Come on. Grrrr. Come on, Alan.

Smartphone in the bank!

Good work, Spinks.

At the pole now.

Can he grip the pole vault?

# I've got to be a macho man...

# I know that there is pain... #

He jumps, he sinks. His name is Spinks.

Nice rhyme, methinks.

# Someday, somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye. #

No trip to Rome for Alan, but he's at the slide looking very focused.

Either that, or his shorts are too tight.

Will he bank the drone and the games console?

And he banks the drone!

# Yeah, hold on! #

And he stops the clock and banks the running machine.

A good run for Alan. He banked four prizes

and picked up three 30-second time penalties,

giving him a total time of 7 minutes 28 seconds.

Next up is Emma.

She's a bit of a warrior princess - from Hertfordshire.

-I've decided I'm going to be Emma one, focused, know what I'm doing.

-Oh, yeah?

-And Emma two, warrior!

-Warrior!

Emma the Warrior Princess on the travelator...

Oh, not a lot of warrior in action there.

Oh!

MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky

Oh, she stops herself going full-on in.

She gets one wet foot.

Oh!

More worrier than warrior there.

Oh, still not a full dunking.

ECHOING: Warrior!

No prizes banked yet...

Oh...

Everyone lean, everyone lean, everyone lean.

ZOE CHUCKLES

Oh, she gives up on the smartphone.

Forget the smartphone. Forget the mountain bikes.

She's just desperate to get to the pole vault.

Like a true warrior... Emma just gave up.

This will test Emma's warrior status.

-Oh...

-Oh...

Classic slide and then double face-plant.

One, and in for the two.

You OK, Emma?

You all right?

She's just trying to get to that ladder.

Oh, she slips back in!

Like all great warriors,

her crusade is to traverse a luminous yellow beam.

-Yes, come on, Emma!

-Can she bank the trip to Rome?

Basilicas! No.

MUSIC: Don't Stop by Fleetwood Mac

Ah!

-Holding her breath there on her way into the foam.

-I know, just in case she...

No trip to the Colosseum for our princess, then.

Emma's on the slide... oh, but she's missed both of them!

Emma stops the clock at a total time of...

in true warrior-style -

by head-butting the touchpoint.

EMMA PANTS

-Over you come!

-That was ridiculous.

Ridiculous, I have heard it described as that before.

Was it difficult?

Yeah. That's the nicest I can say without swearing.

ASHLEY CHUCKLES, EMMA PANTS

Ben the Verminator is still in the top spot.

00 Kevin is in second place,

closely followed by Miss Crosthwaite

and fitness fanatics Terri and Jay,

which leaves Alan on the verge of saying sayonara.

Meet handsome and recently-single rom-com-loving Keith, from Belfast.

A hunk of a man who is searching for love...

He's got a date with a travelator now.

Oh! I've had dates like that. Bruising.

-Wow, he's up.

-Go on, Keith.

Soul-destroying.

Boom! That's the computer banked.

Can he make the leap?

Oh, so nearly, so nearly there.

Look at that.

He's so...

But this is the bit where people always get stuck.

-Not Keith.

-Not Keith!

-Ah, I think I'm in love.

Oh, my gosh.

MUSIC: Je T'aime Moi Non Plus by Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg

But will you still love him after the pole?

-The pole vault, can he do it?

-Come on, Keith!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-A big splash there!

Keith, if you could leave some of the water for the others,

that would be nice.

The muscles in his back!

Sorry, sorry!

Come on, Keith! What you got?

Handsome Keith's been blown out by a bag.

Oh, no! Keith! No!

Time for the slide and those two touchpoints.

Oh, and he's missed them both!

Handsome Keith stops the clock with a time of...

..including penalties. Ripped!

It's tough, isn't it? It is seriously tough.

It's tough. It was a lot harder than I was expecting, yeah.

-Do you think you've done enough to make it through?

-I hope so.

-You hope so.

This is Laura. She's lovely. She's the Tortoise.

Why do we call you the Tortoise, Laura?

Erm...little legs!

This is Serious Steve. We're calling him the Hair.

You see where we're going with this, right?

The tortoise and the...hair? Oh, come on.

KLAXON BLARES

PERSON SCREAMS

I don't know which one of them that was.

Steve the Hair, I think.

Serious Steve makes the travelator first. He jumps high like a hare.

Really overworking that.

Oh, keep going, keep going, yes. Yes.

Woohoo!

Now our tortoise, lovely Laura, has reached the travelator.

She may well now need to see the vet...

Sort of like a little ski there from Laura.

Stack 'Em High now.

-So slippery.

-Take it easy, Steve.

-Look at that block.

Go careful, Stevie.

Nice balance, Steve. He banks the smartphone.

Three prizes are banked.

-Now, Laura. There you go.

-Got it! Yayyy!

They say slow and steady wins the race. Just not THIS race, Laura.

No time for safety checks. Steve's already at the beam now.

Ohh. Looking carefully to his left.

OK, so he's missed one.

He's holding on. Go on!

Oh. A hairy moment for Steve there.

But he hangs on and banks the trip to Rome.

Steve on the slide. Can he bank the drone and games console?

Yes! He is amazing.

He banks the rowing machine

and stops the clock in a time of...

Seriously good.

How was that?

STEVE LAUGHS AND GROANS

-Yeah!

-Like that, was it?

Yeah, it was, yeah!

Now for Laura. She's on the beam at last.

She got a little bum tap there.

Bum tap. Otherwise known as shattered coccyx.

Just in case she didn't slide off, boom! A little tap on the bum.

Lovely Laura stops the clock with a time of...

..which means, sadly, she will not be playing for our top prize after all.

Now, Laura, I'm told you want to win a unicorn tonight?

Absolutely, yes.

VINYL SCRATCHES

We don't have one of those.

It's all change at the top as Serious Steve takes the top spot.

Ben the Verminator is only half a second slower than Steve.

Miss Crosthwaite drops to fifth, and fitness fanatic Terri is hanging

on right at the bottom.

MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus

Cowboy boots and stetsons at the ready.

Up next is toe-tapping, foot-stomping Stacey! Yee-haa!!

-Smack.

-STACEY SCREAMS

Was that some kind of pike!

She literally did a back-to-front somersault.

-Watch out, Tom Daley!

-Touched her toes and everything.

MUSIC: Man! I Feel Like A Woman! by Shania Twain

We had to stop her wearing cowboy boots for the show.

I know, health and safety gone mad!

-That's a big jump to make...

-That's a big jump.

Ah, that's freezing!

OK, so no prizes banked so far for toe-tapping Stacey.

She does line dancing. Spends quite a lot of time in Nashville!

I've never done line dancing.

It's really good fun. It doesn't go like this.

-Are you sure that's how it goes?

-It goes like this!

So pole dancing left for Stacey.

Take that pole vault by the hand.

-Oh!

-Oh...?

Standing to attention there.

Stacey, you look like you could do with some help.

So methinks this would be a good time for...

If you're like me and you find yourself on a game show trying

to cross a ravine using only a giant padded pole,

here's what to do -

firstly, don't be scared, it can smell your fear!

Oh, my God.

Oh man. This looks a bit high.

Show it some love.

Not that much love.

And hold on tight.

Maybe even take a run-up.

Ohhh!

And here's what NOT to do -

don't use another part of your body to soften

the impact...

especially not that part.

MUSIC: Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus

Ohhh.

Don't lick the pole.

Don't spin round it, it's not a maypole.

And don't take the impact on your face.

To be honest, no-one's ever completed the pole,

but Stacey's got an idea...

Ohhh!

No, I'm not that impressed.

I didn't say it was a good idea.

-Oh.

-Wow!

The beam - Stacy stomps her way up

and performs the classic shoulder dip...

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Magic.

Followed by a corkscrew move into the foam,

but she manages to bank the trip to Rome on the way down.

Well done, Stacey!

-Come on, Stacey.

-I'm trying!

You come and do it, Banjo! You try it!

-"I'm trying!"

-All alone in the foam,

I bet she wishes she could grab her partner by the hand.

Stacey manages to finish the course with a time of...

Meet Joey. A determined young man from Wigan.

Joey, you failed your driving test eight times, you have passed now.

So are you going to put your foot down to get around the course?

Or are you going to have to do an emergency stop?

Just like my driving test, I'm just going to carry on until I get it.

Brilliant, that's good. How long could it take you?

-The catapult is ready. Good luck.

-Thank you.

Mirror. Signal.

Mangle!

-Superman entrance there!

-He means business.

Just get him a little cape.

SUPERMAN THEME

He's actually gone a bit too Superman.

He's gone right to the bottom. Joey! He's like a little meerkat!

Joey le Taxi travelling by travelator...

but will he dump it for the bikes?

-Yes!

-Another point on your licence.

Well done, yes!

You should be using hands-free with that smartphone, Joey.

Yes!

Sideways.

And for the full beam.

Drive safely.

-Ohhh!

-Yes!

MUSIC: Driving In My Car by Madness

Oh, no!

No way!

No trip to Rome for Joey.

It's a blessing, really, they drive on the wrong side there.

No parking there, Joey, move along.

And he banks the drone and games console.

Joey le Taxi stops the meter with

a total time of...

You banked everything, I believe.

Mountain bikes, computer, smartphone, drone, games console

and a running machine, but you didn't bank the trip to Rome.

-No.

-The punchbags just got you.

You know what, I've been to Rome, so not missing anything.

-You've been to Rome? Doesn't need that. Well done.

-Yeah, thank you very much.

Joey Le Taxi has driven into third position, which means that

Miss Crosthwaite is the only woman in the top six.

With one contestant left to run, will Miss Crosthwaite hold on to

that last place or will she be going home with a note for her parents?

Talking of going home,

we have to say goodbye to Alan...

to our fitness fanatics, Jay and Terri,

not-quite pop sensation Paul...

MUSIC: Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman

Do-si-didn't, Stacey.

It's a ten from me.

Warrior Emma...

..and unicorn-loving, lovely Laura.

Goodbye, guys, we'll never forget you. Who?

Meet Gareth, the last of tonight's contestants. Will he be quick

enough to knock out our last remaining lady from the top six?

-Gareth, now I'm told you're very competitive.

-Yes.

And you even play rock, paper, scissors to decide

who is going to make the tea between you and your girlfriend?

-Yep.

-Now, I'm also very competitive,

so I thought we should have a little game, see who wins.

-Yeah, cool.

-Right, lets do it.

-Bam, bam, boom!

-Oh!

ASHLEY LAUGHS

Well, Gareth, I wish you better luck on the course.

-Thank you.

-Have a good one.

-Thank you. Cheers.

MUSIC: One Vision by Queen

He's at the travelator in some very short shorts.

Mountain bikes in the bank!

Just saves himself.

Ah! No!

Could we be heading for an all-boys final?

Or will those short shorts restrict his progress?

-Yes.

-That's not all they're restricting.

# One flesh, one bone, one true religion... #

Ahh, I really want to give him a wedgie.

VINYL SCRATCHES

-Yeah, easy!

-One smartphone in the bank!

I do love his shorts.

So do I. I think they may be... a size too small.

He's very wobbly.

I think those shorts are restricting the flow of blood to his head!

-And he's up!

-Oh!

-He pulls it back.

-I didn't like that.

Oh, you could park a bike in there. Now the pole...

Is it going to be au revoir, Miss Crosthwaite?

Oh, my...

Gosh!

-Oh, my...

-You all right there, Gareth?

-Yeah, not bad!

-Looking good.

I ain't feeling good!

It's too tight to call at the moment,

much like the shorts.

Come on, Gareth! Remember, left...

Noooo!

# One vision... #

Did he just forget about the punchbags?

Could this be what saves Miss Crosthwaite

and sends Gareth back to Somerset?

Gareth at the slide.

He banks the drone!

And he banks the running machine as he stops the clock.

Gareth picked up two 30-second time penalties, giving him

a total time of...

Sadly, that wasn't fast enough,

which means Miss Crosthwaite gets

to embarrass herself in front of her pupils in round two.

-Well, well, well, what a round!

-I know, what a round! After that...

Them rope ladders proving really tricky for people.

They are designed to help people from one stage to the other,

they're not supposed to be the problem.

Something that is designed to be a bit tricky, though,

was the punchbags, and they are working.

They were knocking everybody off.

Oh, no. Nooo!

So we've had a truckload of thrills and a shedload

of spills, but there's only room for six contestants in round two.

So let's see who's made it.

In first position, Serious Steve...

Second place, Ben the Verminator...

Taking third spot is Joey le Taxi...

Handsome Keith is in fourth position...

00 Kevin finishes in fifth place...

And holding on to sixth spot is Miss Crosthwaite...

Lying in wait for our contestants is an awesome task, which is

split into three battles.

And they have to get through them all to survive.

Like everything good in life, it all begins with some spinning platforms.

From the platforms, contestants move on to clamber-crossing.

They clamber over the crossing to a set of touchpoints which

bank a smoothie-maker,

but there are only five touchpoints,

so one contestant will miss out and leave the game.

After a very quick sit down they're off again, through the water

and up the uneven stairs to the rings, as they attempt to

make their way to the four touchpoints to bank a dishwasher.

Five into four doesn't go, so another contestant will be

eliminated before they set off again, to the dropping ropes.

Here's the thing - not all the ropes are connected, so they'll

have to choose wisely if they don't want to end up soaked and prize-less.

Finally, contestants make their way to the end podium

and bank...

But there are only three touchpoints, which means

another contestant will be eliminated, leaving our final three.

Well, they should be suitably dizzy right now. Shall we put them out of their misery?

Ashley, set them on their way.

Your wish is my command. Cue the klaxon!

KLAXON BLARES

They're off. And a flying start for Joey.

Handsome Keith coming out of nowhere.

And the Verminator right at the back there.

Joey first to the touchpoint. Followed by Handsome Keith.

Miss Crosthwaite launches herself at the first touchpoint.

And it's Serious Steve

and the Verminator into the final two places.

Let's see that again...

Joey le Taxi and Serious Steve

getting very cosy there - bit of a bromance.

Miss Crosthwaite just knocked over by the lads at the last moment -

not very gentlemanly.

So, Mission Impossible for 00 Kevin.

Farewell!!

Time to get that game face on, Joey. Blue steel.

KLAXON BLARES

Hit the chairs...

Joey and the Verminator first up the uneven steps.

Keith is gone! Keith is down, he's gone through the rings.

Not the face, Keith!

MUSIC: Ring Of Fire by Johnny Cash

# I fell into a ring of fire... #

-Ooh!

-Ben!

There they are, just sliding across like...slugs...slugs in headgear.

You know, those slugs.

Ben is already in.

Ah, Lord Of The Rings there for Ben. Banks the dishwasher.

And Serious Steve...

Come on, Steve.

..is next up.

Miss Crosthwaite is through,

educational standards have NOT slipped.

Now, Handsome Keith can make it, if he runs!

Runs, dives, falls.

Joey le Taxi bags the last spot.

Uh, unlucky, Handsome Keith.

At least you're still handsome.

Or...at least...

you will be, after you pop your nose back in.

Six have become four and soon will become three.

Tip the chairs!

It looks like Serious Steve seriously wants to

get back to those chairs.

Ben the Verminator, Joey le Taxi

and Serious Steve all keen to get in the bath there.

Miss Crosthwaite... Oh, that's going to go down well in assembly.

MUSIC: You Keep Me Hangin' On by The Supremes

# But you keep me hangin' on #

Oh, is this the end for Ben?

What's going on?

It's like a swimming gala down there.

Amanda! Look at this!

Serious Steve's over, followed by Miss Crosthwaite.

Only one place left.

And it's Ben the Verminator, I think!

Yes! He's through and banks the prize.

Nice work, Ben.

# Set me free, yeah... #

Someone call a cab for poor Joey.

TAXI IDLES

So, sadly, we have to say goodbye to Joey,

there's a taxi waiting for you out front.

I've had a really good night, I've met some really good people.

-Well done, Joey.

-It's a shame I didn't get the prize,

but I've enjoyed every minute of it.

Keith - let's hope you find love soon, you handsome beast -

maybe try Eggheads.

I'd have liked to have won, obviously - I was in it to win it - but wasn't to be.

And no disrespect to the other two, but I suppose it would be nice

to see Amanda win, but the other two guys have every chance.

So I would split my money evenly between the three.

And 00 Kevin, sadly it was Dr No!

You don't get to do this sort of stuff every day,

and I was quite determined to win.

A car's a car, but at the same time having fun is more important,

and I can't say I haven't enjoyed myself tonight.

Come at me!

No! No!

They all want to win,

but there's only room for one of them on top of that mountain.

The very best of British to you all, it's time to climb.

You know what they say about Spin Mountain...

It looks nothing like a mountain... but it does spin.

Can't have it all.

Spin Mountain is where three become one,

because, as we all know, there can be only one.

Each contestant has to find

and collect three uniquely-coloured discs

and return them to their podiums in order,

from these three rotating rings.

Only then can they climb up Spin Mountain - which does spin -

to touch the touchpoint, bank a tablet

and go on to leap for that car!

But watch out - some of those handholds are on bungee cords

for maximum LOLs... I'm so down with the kids.

KLAXON BLARES

And they're off...

And they're all off their feet.

Ben falls in reach of his first disc but gets up

and straight back on the podium.

To look at them, you'd think Serious Steve

and Miss Crosthwaite had never done this before.

Serious Steve taking a little wander -

he'll be coming round the mountain when he comes.

Miss Crosthwaite finally gets her first disc - have a gold star!

Oh, nearly a slipped disc there, but well done, finally, Steve.

One-horse race at the moment.

Ben is off up the mountain!

Miss Crosthwaite's on her second disc now - she gets an A for effort!

Watch out! It's a booby trap!

Miss Crosthwaite has her third and final disc but...

it's a little too late!

And we have a winner... Well done, Ben!

How was that?

-Well done, champ!

-Oh, I'm chuffed.

I'm not surprised! Well done, you're the last man standing.

Yes. One of the handles came off in my hand!

Yeah, you're going to have to pay for that, I'm afraid.

Ben, you da bomb!

-Shocked!

-He just came out of nowhere.

-Absolutely.

-Like a flash.

Ben was so fast,

and he's going to do really good now, hopefully in the next obstacle.

Yeah, he'll smash the rest of it.

He was talking to his two kids earlier on the phone,

and they were really happy their dad had got so far.

Yeah, really excited, so, yeah, that's good.

Hopefully he brings home some prizes for them and that would be cool.

So Ben has banked all 11 prizes tonight.

-The mountain bikes.

-The computer.

-A smartphone.

-A tablet.

-A drone.

-Games console.

-Running machine.

-A smoothie-maker.

-A dishwasher.

-American fridge-freezer.

-And a trip to Rome.

That is a lot of prizes and they're there to be won.

All 11 prizes Ben banked earlier are hanging above this

treacherous travelator.

Ben has 60 seconds to touch as many prizes as possible

and, of course, everything he touches he wins.

So that's how you do it. Confident, Ben?

Yes, very confident. I came here to win,

and I'm going to try and take as many of those prizes home with me as I can.

Good luck, Ben. It's time to get travelating.

-Take your position.

-OK, thank you.

-Good luck!

-There they are.

All those hard-earned prizes. All within reach.

Just about...

It won't be easy, but that's why we call this show

Can't Touch This, not No Need To Touch Them,

Here - Just Have 'Em On Us. Cue the klaxon!

KLAXON

Let's go!

-Oh!

-Oh, he missed the trip to Rome,

which is the one he desperately wanted.

Yes. One.

-He's got the tablet.

-Two.

-That's the American fridge-freezer!

Jumps for the bike... Oh, misses it!

Get the running machine? Yes!

Wins the running machine!

We're halfway. Come on. Oh!

Come on, Ben - you need that trip to Rome.

Keep running, keep running!

-Yes!

-Oh! His wife will be pleased.

She's desperate to get him out the house.

Yes, dishwasher. 15 seconds.

That's the dishwasher. No more dishpan hands for him.

Three, two, one...

His legs have given in. And that is it. Time up.

Oh, take a bow, Ben, you were great!

Ben, congratulations. Such skills.

How was that for you?

That was the longest, hardest minute of my life!

I think your wife, Hannah, and your kids, Hattie

and Jack, are going to be so chuffed!

Yes. I'm sure they will be.

American fridge-freezer, tablet, running machine, dishwasher

-and the trip to Rome.

-Fantastic, thank you so much!

-Happy with that?

-Over the moon.

-Your work here is not finished.

-Of course it's not.

Do you fancy having a go at just winning one more prize, Ben?

-Just one little prize!

-Absolutely. Let's do it!

So there she is. Hanging serenely above us.

What are your thoughts, Ben? Share with me.

-I'm going to fly like a bird!

-I hope so.

Well, Ben, you will get a whole new perspective on it from up there,

-so let's go and have a look. Come on.

-Let's do it.

-Good luck.

If Ben can leap across this void and touch the car, he will be

driving it home.

Saves me taking it back to the car hire company.

So, Ben, now we're up here,

has it put a whole new perspective on the challenge?

That car certainly seems a lot further away,

-and we're a lot higher up.

-That's putting it mildly.

But I believe. I'm going to do it. I'm going to touch that car.

That's the best strategy ever - believe and you will do it.

-Hope so.

-Best of luck.

-Cheers.

So it started with a catapult, now it's all come down to this.

One contestant, one car, one giant leap.

Ben, best of luck.

In your own time, jump for the car.

One jump. One chance.

One car.

HEARTBEAT

Come on, Ben.

CHEERING

He did it! Ben certainly CAN touch this.

Cue the dancing girls, soppy music and overused, slow-motion replays.

Oh, dear. Pass the tissues...

I've actually spilt yogurt down my smock.

MUSIC: I'm Like A Bird by Nelly Furtado

# I don't know where my soul is

# I don't know where my home is... #

CHEERING

Do your victory run, one more time up the travelator. Well done!

Ben, congratulations, you did it, you did it! How does it feel?

Oh, that was... I didn't think I was going to make that.

How were you feeling beforehand? Did you think you could do that?

I kept trying to work my steps out, but it wouldn't add up, but then when I ran...

-It just happened.

-That hand is lucky.

-You flew!

-I flew like a bird.

-You said you would fly like a bird.

-You really did reach out for it.

-I don't know where I touched it.

-It was right on the bottom.

-Yeah. But that doesn't matter, you touched it.

-The car is yours.

-You did. The car is yours.

And what do you think the kids and Hannah are going to think about your performance tonight?

Over the moon. I hope they're over the moon with this.

I certainly am. I'm going to be smiling for months.

Our champion today - Ben, and it's not just the car,

you got all those other prizes and the trip to Rome that you wanted. Feeling good about that?

Thank you so much. It's been an absolutely fantastic experience. I've loved every minute of it.

-You've been a glorious contestant. We've loved having you.

-You've been a star.

That is it for tonight. He's very happy.

See you again next time,

when another bunch of courageous contestants will be going

for a spin and much more, around our colossal Can't Touch This course.

Till then, stay in touch. Say goodbye, Sue.

See ya later, hot-stuff.

Bye, guys.