Episode 10 Hole in the Wall

Yippee! Woo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is Hole In The Wall.

Please go wild for the wall-friendly

-and wholesome Anton du Beke.

-CHEERING CONTINUES

Good evening and welcome to Hole In The Wall, the only programme on television

where the celebrities don't have to wait until the after-show buffet if they fancy a dip.

And talking of celebrities, we have four having their silver baby grow sprayed on, as we speak.

But taking them into battle tonight are their glorious leaders, our team captains.

-Do you fancy meeting them?

-Yes!

Ladies and gentlemen, scrum down and welcome rugby's finest, Austin Healey,

and East End's diamond geezer, Joe Swash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-No, no, no. I'm sorting you out.

-Thank you very much. Look after lovely Anton.

Now, what a start! The beauty, I reckon you get about,

oh, I don't know, 9.2, because you've got a nice tuck.

-And you went a bit, oh, belly flop, so 7.8 for you.

-You harsh, harsh!

-No, it's all about form, love.

You lost a bit of form in the air. In this show, captains needs teams like walls need holes.

So, let's give them a sliding in. On Austin's team tonight,

supermodel Caprice, and from The Apprentice, Ben Clarke!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining Joe's team - soap star Verity Rushworth,

and from Homes Under The Hammer, it's Martin Roberts!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well, Caprice, it's lovely to see you.

-Thank you.

-I've got to say, you look a delight.

-Oh, you say all the right things!

-Oh, I know!

Verity, what are you like at throwing some shapes? Any good?

I like to think I'm very good Anton, yes.

-Do you?

-And I've got a great team leader to help me.

-Oh, exactly!

-A hunk on either side!

-Yes!

That's what I like to see - a girl with good taste!

That's what I like to see - a girl with bad eyesight!

-I'll pay you later.

-Here's how it works -

we take a wall with a hole in it, give it a big shove towards the celebrity,

who can win points by remaining calm, making the shapes

-and getting through the hole.

-Yippee!

-Alternatively,

they can panic, flap, freak out and go to pieces.

The chances are, they'll belly-flop into our pool, which, let me tell you, is a bit nippy.

- Ooh, yeah! - Ooh!

The five rounds get harder and harder until one team finds themselves

slap-bang in the middle of a full-on confrontation with...

Ooh! ..the Great Wall!

-ALL:

-Ooh!

But there's a massive £10,000 for charity to the team who can master the Great Wall.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

So, let's crack on.

Let's play Hole In The Wall!

CHEERING

Well, Round One is like basic training.

One wall and one celebrity come face to face in a solo challenge.

So, Austin, who has the body-bending talent to cope with this wall?

-Well, I think we should get off to a military start.

-Nice.

And Ben nearly went to Sandhurst! LAUGHTER

-Nearly?

-Yes. So, he's nearly a soldier.

-Very nearly.

-So he can nearly go to war with the wall. Come on, Ben!

-Come on, Ben!

CHEERING

Come on, Ben!

Bring on the wall!

Come on, Ben! Come on, Ben!

Yes!

Yippee! Woo-hoo-hoo!

Jonathan, what a start!

It's what we call the thigh burner for Ben,

because to make the full shape, you need to be in the quad squad

and get down as low as possible.

Ben lines up into the firing line and takes a good position,

but doesn't thrust himself low enough, so his upper body's exposed

and it looks like his head's on the chopping block,

but unlike Sir Alan Sugar, the wall didn't fire him.

Well, I like that. What a fabulous start to the show. Ben - 10 points!

Well done, Ben. CHEERING

-Joe?

-Yes?

-Who are you going to choose, Joe?

I'm going to choose the lovely Verity to go first.

Come here, my love.

What a captain and a gentleman(!)

-Gentleman? Not sure.

-Not sure.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

Oh, it's little!

Jump through it!

Jump, jump, jump!

Agh!

Oh! Oh, no!

# She's a lady Whoa-oh-oh, she's a lady... #

Verity... With style, girl!

-That's hard, isn't it? Come on!

-It would have been harder if he'd done it, I can tell you!

-It would have been decimation.

-I think I misjudged that.

-Come on, give us five points.

-Jonathan,

I think she misjudged it as well.

Crikey, Anton, that's what you call total impact!

Verity sees that she's got our tiny cat-flap hole to contend with,

but it's always the little ones that get you. She crouches,

ready to pounce through the flap,

but she's having a little flap of her own.

She's certainly slight enough to make it,

but it's a rear-end error from Verity.

The wall had a nasty sting in its tail and it's Verity's tail bone

that takes the whack and drags her into the deep.

Verity, it was very close, but unfortunately, no points.

-I'm sorry. Not even one?

-Come on!

Well, at the end of that round, the scores on the floor are...

Joe's team - ooh, a big old donut.

But Austin's team is in the lead, with 10 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, it's Round Two, Captain's Mate.

CHEERING

In this round, a captain and a celebrity team mate

can win 20 points, if they both make it a through a wall.

-Austin, it's you and lovely...

-Scaredy-cat!

-..scaredy-cat Caprice.

-Yes.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-You can answer.

-Yes! Did that sound convincing?

-No.

-Step up to the play area.

-Come on, Caprice.

CHEERING

-OK, are you ready?

-Do I get in front?

Bring on the wall!

-It's not a piggyback, you've got to jump through that hole there.

-OK.

I'll jump through it...

Yippee! Woo-hoo!

# Hit the road, Jack And don't you

# Come back no more, no more

# No more, no more Hit the road, Jack... #

JOE: It was a piggy-back!

That's a piggy-back shape!

-That's a piggy-back shape!

-I...

-It was ducking down.

-NO!

-There'd be a shape for her head if it was a piggy back.

-Exactly!

-I don't want to be

-a perfectionist, but...

-Jonathan, show us what should have happened.

Perfection happened in blue!

Mmm, not quite perfection, Austin.

This was the hitch-hiker's hole, Anton.

So, one player had to be the hiker, thumbing for a lift,

and the other had to play the part of the rucksack.

That means wrapping yourself round your team-mate.

Austin is fine where he is,

but Caprice should be clinging to his back. Although she is thankful

for the simplest of tumbles through the wall, it's not much of a shape.

The hitch-hiker gets a thumbs-down for taking the easy way out.

-Jonathan, we love you! Get in there!

-Surprisingly...

Surprisingly, Jonathan agrees with the red team.

It should technically have been the rucksack wall.

But you did make the most of the shape and you did sort of...

get through the hole, so I'm going to give you half points. Ten points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Three for that round.

-Now...

-Yes?

Your mate is Martin.

-Martin... Hello, mate. Yes.

-We're expecting great things from you two.

We're going to do better than them. They look like a bunch of Smurfs!

LAUGHTER

Are you ready to get in shape?

I'm already in shape, but I'm prepared to go and play.

LAUGHTER

Well, step up to the play area.

Come on, Martin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And bring on the wall!

What are we supposed to do, levitate?

AUSTIN: Too easy!

Oh! Ooh, no!

# Highway to the Danger Zone

# Ride into the Danger Zone... #

That is impossible! What were we meant to do with that, eh?

-Jonathan, was it really that impossible to do?

-Yes, it was!

Not impossible, Anton. But our ejector seat wall

wasn't an easy ride for the Reds. Martin thinks

he needs to perform magic...

What are we supposed to do, levitate?

..while Joe uses his time wisely to practise his take off on the runway.

They jump in tandem,

and just look how close they get to making it out safely.

But the wall has other ideas and even this slight flying shape error

means they meet the wall in mid-air

and take half of it into the pool with them.

-You made a fair jump.

-Yes.

I'm going to give you two points each for the jump. Four points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At the end of Captain's Mate, the scores on the floor

are - Joe's team,

four points. But Austin's team is in the lead

with 20 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't forget, there's £10,000 for charity for tonight's winning team. But right now,

it's time for the players to uphold the honour of their teams. It's Team Wall.

CHEERING

In this round, it's all about teamwork. Our celebrities have to work together to make it through.

If they all succeed, I will personally see to it that they get 30 points.

If they fail, the wall will personally see to it that they get absolutely drenched.

Austin, you are up first.

Are you ready to get in shape, team?

-Yep.

-ANTON LAUGHS

Well, step up to the play area.

Come on, team! CHEERING

-Get in the middle... Come on, here we go.

-OK.

Bring on the wall!

Caprice, go to that one at the end.

You all right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh...

CHEERING

Yippee! Oh, yeah!

# Work! Work! You know you gotta work! Work!

# I got the goods and I want you

# Put your boots on, baby

# Get to work! Work... #

Listen, there's wall everywhere. You can't get full points for that.

-You are just a sore loser!

-We took one for the team.

-That stung a little bit.

-That is all I'm saying.

-Jonathan, did he take one for the team?

Austin has got some fine team members here. Not a drop of water,

or even a bead of sweat on them as the wall approaches, with three

positions for them to contort into.

Caprice makes her hole look like the classic Marilyn Monroe pose.

Ben is not quite such a natural,

but looks like he has got Marilyn's heels on as he teeters around.

Austin takes on the trickiest hole and tries to execute

a yoga position, rather than do a far easier quick hop.

He is just in the wrong place.

The wall hits and Caprice is as surprised as me

that he is still in the play area. He should really be in the pool!

-Wow!

-Well, to be honest, technically speaking,

you did eat lots of wall there and you should have gone in the water.

So I'm going to give you half points, 15 points.

That'll do!

-Joe's team...

-Yes?

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

That says it all,

-doesn't it?

-Well, step up to the play area.

-Come on, team!

-Audience, we're going to do this one together. Are you ready?

-Yes!

So, bring on the wall!

-Jonathan, they've finally arrived.

-Come on, Jonathan.

Show us what you've got. Better late than never, Anton.

Maybe today will be a case of the tortoise and the hare for Joe's lot.

A fitting hole for the red team, this one.

It's a bunch of flapping arms and true to form, the Reds are in a bit of a tizz.

Once again, Martin looks confused.

Someone did tell him what the show was about, didn't they?

The team was keen as schoolchildren trying to get teacher's attention.

Playground antics as Verity gets a very good shove to the front of class.

But this time the Reds have managed to avoid another detention.

How generous are you feeling, Mr du Beke?

30 points!

-30 points?!

-Cheat!

At the end of that round, the scores on the floor are... Ooh.

Getting closer!

Getting closer!

Joe, you're just trailing with 34 points but in the lead is Austin with 35.

So the battle is raging as both teams drop into position in their quest

to control the supreme overlord of all walls - the Great Wall.

AUDIENCE: OOH!

Time now to meet the super-brainy wall that makes Stephen Fry

look like...Joe Swash.

It's Wonder Wall!

In this round, a question and two answers are written on the wall.

Two players have to work out the right answer and stand in front of it.

If they do, they'll find there's actually a hole there

and they'll not only pass safely through it, they'll also be 20 points better off.

Joe, you're trailing so you're up first, but you're only trailing by one little point.

-One little point.

-Who's got the brains in your outfit?

I've obviously got the brains in this outfit and my brain is far too valuable to go up against the wall.

So I'll let yous two go up and I'll answer the question for you.

-Very kind of you. Thank you.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Are you ready, gang?

-Yes!

-Get up there.

-Step up to the play area.

-Do you think they're going to do it, audience?

-Yes!

I don't. Bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

How many balls are there on a snooker table at the start of a game?

21 or 22?

21! 21!

Oh, no, no. MUSIC: "Snooker Loopy" by Chas and Dave

-Got you! Nice one.

-Reverse psychology!

Forgot the white.

-Did we get it wrong?

-How did they get snookered by that one?

Cue Jonathan.

Snookered? They were framed by sneaky Austin on that one.

There are 15 red balls, six colours and, of course, the white cue ball.

Austin breaks with tradition and shouts the wrong answer.

21! 21!

But Joe thinks he's double-bluffing.

Joe's left red-faced as his sends his faithful team into the jaws of the wall.

They've got the snooker question wrong so it's a game of pool instead as they go down in a baize of glory.

-Got ya!

-No points!

Oh, Anton! I said you were handsome.

You were only speaking the truth!

-Austin.

-Anton.

-Who are the A-grade students in your team?

Well, Anton, I've been watching Joe, and Joe's strongest characteristic is the fact that he's a coward.

-That's all right.

-So I'm going to copy him, and push on... These two.

Bring on the wall! Three, two, one!

If it's 5:25 now, what time was it one hour and 40 minutes ago?

3:45 or 3:50?

3:45!

Yippee!

Jonathan, have you got the time to talk us through that wonderful Wonder Wall?

Anything for you, Anton. The Blues clocked this one early on

and former stockbroker Ben is glad to share his knowledge of numbers.

The correct answer is 3:45pm.

He brokers a deal with Caprice - the deal being he says the correct answer and she follows him.

3:45pm! 3:45pm!

He even has time to play a bit of FTSE 100 with his wall buddy.

The high flyers fly through the wall and the Blues won't want

to stock exchange these maximum points for anything.

Well, I've got to tell you, that was absolutely perfect. Well done.

-20 points.

-Well done, team.

Well, at the end of that round,

the scores on the floor are...

..interesting reading.

-Tell me numbers.

-34 to Joe's team.

And a stonking 55 to Austin's team!

Yes, we're nearly there. They can smell that £10,000 for charity.

But first, it's the weird and wonderful walls of round five.

It's Anton's...brace yourself...

Twist.

I sweat blood to come up with these walls.

None but the most mind-bendingly awesome will do.

And because they are so cruel,

I offer a staggering 30 points for each team that defeats them.

I know, I know. I'm too generous.

Joe, you've got a one-player wall.

-Who's going to play?

-Well...I don't want to let my team down, so Martin, you can step up, mate.

I advise people to build walls and take them down but this is different.

Let me tell you what you've got to do.

-Pay complete attention.

-Right.

On that screen up there... Up there.

You'll see the shape of a hole and you'll have a whopping three seconds to remember it.

If you make the shape correctly you'll get through but if you don't, then you'll get wet.

-Right.

-Alas. But to give you a small fighting chance, I've placed

-a footprint on the floor so at least you know where to stand.

-It's very big of you, thank you.

-You've remembered everything I said?

-Yes, exactly. Three seconds.

Get the shape.

Footprint. Fall in water.

Are you ready to...

As I'll ever be.

-I'm doing it for the team.

-Martin?

-Yes.

-Step up to play area.

Come on, Martin!

Support.

Support, please.

Go, Martin!

Bring on the wall! Three, two, one!

Put your bum in! Tuck your bum in!

I'm a little teapot!

Oh! Oh no!

-..get your bum in!

-Teapot!

Teapot, I said!

Jonathan, how close was it?

Pretty close. It's the I'm A Little Teapot for Martin but he's made

more than a cuppa of errors here. There's no denying his credentials

at being short and stout but handle and spout are somewhat lacking.

Keep your bum in, keep your bum in!

His team-mates have spotted it. They're busy shouting instructions but Martin's milking this.

He needs to get a handle on his body shape as his bottom's in hot water.

The Reds would give all the tea in China for some points here but

this little teapot gets tipped over and poured out.

And Martin's left stewing.

-Well, you weren't in bad shape. You were very close.

-Thank you.

-I'm going to give you five points.

-Ah, that's nice.

-Very generous.

Well, Austin, you have also got a one-player wall.

-Who's it going to be?

-Caprice, it's over to you.

Oh, lovely Caprice! I'm so pleased!

What do I have to do?

This is called a space-hopper wall.

-A who, what, when?

-I'll show you.

Because you've got to get through the hole in the wall with...

-How cool's that?

-One of these.

-Are you serious?

-Oh, yeah.

So, would you like to take a grip?

Step up to the play area.

All right, Caprice!

Bring on the wall!

Wait! When it gets near...

When it gets near. Have to get some height.

-Straight through it.

-One, two, three, jump!

Yippee!

Jonathan. What bouncing skills!

Caprice looks like she's seen an alien rather than a space-hopper.

But she soon grasps what she has to do and our model

wants to be a model team player, as she courageously gets hopping.

And soon she's licking her lips with anticipation.

She builds up a good bounce to launch into the stratosphere and tackle the final frontier.

And that's space walking. No need for a lunar landing,

as she's back on terra firma with full points.

-Good bouncing skills.

-Good bouncing skills.

It was an absolutely perfect wall.

30 points! 30 points.

Well, at the end of that round, I can tell you that with 39 points,

Joe has exceeded all expectations and finished second.

But with a huge 85 points, and assuring control of the Great Wall tonight it's Austin's team!

The Great Wall is a super-speed three-player wall that requires all three players to get through it

if they are to win that £10,000 for charity.

It only needs one player to let the side down and the money will automatically go to the other team.

Austin, this is not a decision to be taken lightly.

As you know, the Great Wall can be nice and easy, or it can be tougher

than a lorry load of old boots.

So whatcha gonna do?

I'm going to speak to my team.

Audience, what do you think?

Should he play or pass?

Pass!

-I have an answer for the rabble.

-OK.

As one of the great leaders of our time said, he who dares wins, Rodney.

He who dares wins.

-We're made of steel.

-You're made of steel!

Team, are you ready, for one last time, to get in shape?

-I'm ready. You ready?

-Come on, guys!

-To the play area.

-Come on, team. Let's go.

This is it. Bring on the Great Wall!

Three, two, one!

Oh, easy, peasy.

Dive, dive, dive.

Oh! Oh, no!

And it was him who lost it! Fantastic!

Oh, no!

Easy, peasy!

Jonathan, it was a great big disaster.

It certainly was, and I didn't see that one coming.

We thought this was an easy wall but even we can underestimate the power of the great one.

Ben takes the easy option. Caprice has yet another jump

and tumble and instead of going for a dive, Austin tries a two-footed leap,

but there's not enough spring in his step and there'll be even less

after that landing. Ouch!

The arrows are pointing up but that's an 'arrowing end for the blue team

and so the last laugh goes to Joe and the Reds.

-Thank you, Anton.

-That's all right. So where's the money going?

Verity, take it away, darling.

It's going to the Alzheimer's Trust, so I'm really pleased.

Oh, well done. That's absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much.

Good stuff.

Well, would you believe it?

We're out of time. But we'll patch up our team captains and

bung a bit of plaster on our walls so that they'll be fit and healthy to do battle again very soon.

Until then, goodnight!

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