Episode 9 Hole in the Wall


Episode 9

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Transcript


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This is Hole In The Wall!

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Please welcome your host, a man who's all flesh and bricks,

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the Wall king, Anton du Beke.

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CHEERING

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Good evening and welcome to Hole In The Wall,

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the show that doesn't so much drive you up the wall as into it.

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We've got two teams of extremely bendy celebrities

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hoping to find a way through some ridiculously silly holes.

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But every team needs a captain,

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and ours are straining at the leash to slide into action.

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-Shall we get them in?

-CHEERING

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Please say, "Hi, ho, silver" to twinkletoes on the rugby pitch and the dancefloor, it's Austin Healey.

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And would you Adam and Eve it? It's East End geezer Joe Swash.

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Nice to see you.

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-Nice to see you.

-How are you doing? Are you all right?

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Do you know? They've gone a bit clingy.

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I think this is yours from last series. It's baggy in some places

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-and tight elsewhere.

-SOME LAUGHTER

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And also a bit too long for you! Are you feeling flexible?

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I don't know about flexible, feeling very naked at the moment.

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Yeah, and cold.

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The teams have now reached the top of the slide so let's get them out.

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On Austin's team, actress and singer Toyah Wilcox,

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and from CBBC, Barney Harwood.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And on Joe's team tonight, Something For The Weekend's head chef Simon Rimmer,

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and from Waterloo Road, actress Zara Abraham.

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-Hello, mate!

-Nice to see you.

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Oh, my God!

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Lovely jubbly!

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-Barney, did you crack a coccyx coming down there?

-Yes.

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-Right on it.

-Oh, my goodness me!

-Did you not hear it clap?

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Right on the brains. Good heavens above! Toyah, you look delightful.

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This is a highlight of my career, I can tell you!

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Now, Simon, we know you're pretty good at toad in the hole,

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but what's your ingredients for chef in a hole?

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I actually feel more like a Christmas turkey, wrapped up and ready for the oven! And it's hot.

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So here's how it works. It's very complicated so listen up.

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To win points, players have to get through a series of increasingly difficult holes in walls

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that are moving towards them. If they don't make it,

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they'll end up in the drink, and believe me,

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it's so cold in there, you look closely enough,

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you can just make out the tip of an iceberg. There are five rounds,

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at the end of which one team will have earned the right to face...

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the wall that makes grown men weep -

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the mesmerising Great Wall.

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-ALL:

-Oo-oo-h!

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-Good "ooh"!

-LAUGHTER

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Yes, it's petrifying, but that's what the winning team has to conquer

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if they want to win £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

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So let's play...

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Hole In The Wall!

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All right! All the teams have to do in this round is send one player out

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to try and win ten points by getting through one hole.

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Joe, you get to go first. Who's it going to be?

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I'm going to send Mr Rimmer up first.

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-Well, are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, I am!

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-Step up to the play area.

-Go, Rimmer!

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And bring on The Wall!

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-ALL:

-Three, two, one!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Jump, jump!

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Don't jump, don't jump!

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Don't jump, whatever you do!

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MUSIC: "Hey Now You're A Rockstar" by Smash Mouth

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MUSIC DROWNS COMMENTS

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Oh, lovely!

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Yes!

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I... Well, it's a bit broken, but it wasn't a bad effort.

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-The shape was perfect, wasn't it?

-Well, from the waist up.

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LAUGHTER

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Jonathan, show us that half-perfect shape.

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Simon was a man possessed! There's psyching out the opposition,

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but Simon tries to scare away The Wall, too!

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He was like the bogeyman looming large.

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But just being scary isn't going to get him points.

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Our chef is in the pressure cooker to perform

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a tricky Michelin-star jump, and what a leap that is!

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He's jumped out of the frying pan and into the wall!

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You should give him a roasting for that, Anton.

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The idea is to get through the hole without damaging it.

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-Oh.

-Didn't do that. So it's only...

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-eight points.

-Yes!

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Well done.

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Eight points.

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-All right, Austin...

-SOME LAUGHTER

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..it's possibly the biggest decision of your life

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-so far.

-OK. It's a tough one.

-Who's it going to be?

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Well...

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..I think I'm going to pick a big kid to go in the play area.

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-Good choice.

-So it's going to be Barney.

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-Barney!

-Come on, Barney!

-CHEERING

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-You can do it.

-TOYAH: You can do it.

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-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yeah.

-All right.

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-Step up to the play area.

-Go on, Barney!

-Come on!

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And bring on The Wall!

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ALL: Three, two, one!

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Anton, that's how to do it. That's easy as A, B, C

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for our CBBC presenter.

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It's all in the stomach muscles as Barney needs to be sturdy

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to hold his legs aloft. He needs to make the human V shape

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to make it V for Victory for the Blues in this round.

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The slight readjustment on the play area makes all the difference,

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and the Barney army salute to a job well done.

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Ten points!

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Yeah!

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Well done.

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APPLAUSE DROWNS COMMENTS

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You can't deny it, it was very good. Some brilliant performances there,

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which means at the end of that round, the scores on the floor are:

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Joe's team slight behind with eight, Austin's team in the lead with ten!

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Looks nice, that ten.

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Next up, we raise the stakes in Captain's Mate.

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Two players, a captain and a team mate,

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have to bond quickly as they both face a fast-moving wall.

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There are 20 points available if they make it and not a sausage if they don't.

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So, Joe, it's you and Zara to play. Are you ready to get in shape?

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-I'm ready to get in shape.

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

-I'm ready.

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-Team?

-Come on, team!

-Come on, team!

-Swash, you've got no chance!

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Step up to the play area.

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Oh, my gosh. Ah!

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And bring on The Wall!

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-ALL:

-Three, two, one!

-Come on!

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Go on!

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ZARA SCREAMS

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Jonathan, talk us through that half-damaged wall.

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Anton, Joe and Zara needed to execute a horizontal back lift.

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Zara hops up and wriggles around like a little Yorkshire Terrier

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-after a bone!

-HIGH-PITCHED BARKING

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But her fidgeting doesn't breed confidence with Joe

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and a litter of mistakes follow. Joe doesn't stand in the right place

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while Zara's legs aren't straight. They take a chunk out of The Wall.

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They're dry, but on that performance, they're not the best in show.

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If you had put your legs out completely straight,

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-it would've been maximum points.

-We would've got knocked off.

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-No, you would've been fine.

-No!

-You would've actually made the hole in the wall.

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Oh! SOME GROANING

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Huh? Huh?!

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Seven points.

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Austin...

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your captain's mate is Toyah.

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-Are you both ready to get in shape?

-Oh, I suppose so!

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Step up to the play area.

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Oh, boy!

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And bring on the Wall!

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Bend your knees.

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Oh, no!

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Jonathan,

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talk us through that disaster.

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'That was a thriller dance disaster. Austin and Toyah might have nightmares about it.

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'They've got to pull off the classic zombie move.

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'So it's lean back, arms out and do the zombie.

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'But the full moon must've come out and sent them loopy.

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'They lose control as they stretch

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'and bite off a chillingly large slab of wall in the process.'

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-I like the shape. 7 points!

-Yes!

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That round is WALL over.

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AUDIENCE GROAN

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It means the scores on the floor are...

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Joe's team are just behind on 15 points,

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but Austin's team are in the lead with 17!

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CHEERING

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Confidence is growing but who will lead today with 10,000 big ones for charity?

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Time will tell but now it's round three.

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-Team Wall.

-CHEERING

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You won't be surprised that Team Wall is a round for the whole team.

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Three players face one wall, with ten points each

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if they get through, which means they could win a possible

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30 points.

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CHEERING

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-Joe, you're up first. Are you ready?

-Yes.

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Step up to the play area.

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CHEERING

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Audience, it is time for you to urge the team.

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-Are you ready?

-Yes!

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-And...

-Bring on the Wall!

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-Let me go first.

-Lift your legs up.

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Lift your legs up.

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Oh!

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Let's help Joe out.

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-We were so close.

-We would've made it.

-An inch away.

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-I can't believe it.

-Talk us through that.

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'What was going through those simple reds' minds there?

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'It's an easy shape. They need to kick while standing in a line.

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'Joe picks Zara up and thrusts here skyward.

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'It all went downhill from there. Simon's surprised

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'by Joe's tactics and ends up being the first in the pool.

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'The others aren't far behind. Joe's arms turn to jelly and he drops Zara right in it.

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'They'll be kicking themselves.'

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Unfortunately, for that disaster - no points!

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AUDIENCE: Ahhhh.

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LAUGHTER

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How can you give 'em no points, Anton?

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HE LAUGHS

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His time will come.

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-Austin, are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

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We're fairly deluded. CHEERING

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-Are you ready, audience?

-Yes!

-And...

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Bring on the Wall!

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This way. Face the other way. Toyah, stand on top of us.

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Back a bit. That's it, that's it.

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CHEERING

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What a beauty! Getting through a hole. Don't stop it with your face.

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What were you thinking? Jonathan, show is that wall in Austin's face.

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'The task is human trampolines for Barney and friends.

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'The boys choose to be the springboard for

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'Tiny Toyah to balance on. Terrific attention to detail by Austin.

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'He interlocks his legs with Barney's to make a rock-solid platform for Toyah.

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'Toyah's up, down, but up when it counts and stays up

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'at a small cost to Austin's good looks.

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'What a captain, Anton. Give that man a medal. Or a hug.'

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An absolute beauty.

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You made the shape, you stayed dry, you took a little damage for your team.

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What a captain. Eat a bit of wall, I love it. 30 points!

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Get in! CHEERING

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At the end of that round, the scores on the floor are...

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Not a terribly attractive 15 points to Joe's team

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but a gorgeous 47 points to Austin's team!

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CHEERING

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Our celebrities have moulded their bodies into shapes

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they never thought existed. Now it's time to give their brains a workout

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too. Oh, heavens.

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Yes, it's Wonder Wall!

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CHEERING

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Wonder Wall is the Einstein of walls.

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A question and two possible answers are written on this wall.

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Behind the right answer is a hole, behind the wrong answer is rock-solid wall.

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That's gonna hurt. Two players step up and if they make it

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through the wall, they'll win 20 points.

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-So Joe...

-Yes?

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You're trailing.

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I'm going to give you a chance to catch up. You go first.

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You're looking for two players with IQs

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-of over 50.

-That counts me out, so

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I'm going to take a back seat and let you two

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-be honourable.

-They're going to be honourable?

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They're gonna be the honourable ones.

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I'll get you a towel. Are you ready to get in shape?

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-Oh, yes!

-Oh, yes!

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Step up to the play area.

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CHEERING

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And bring on the Wall!

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"Up" or "above"?

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CHEERING

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You went face first!

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I love that.

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Jonathan, talk us through that wonderful twinkly moment.

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'How I wonder how they managed that, Anton.

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'The Reds have stars in their eyes, they can't count.

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'"Above" is the 12th word they're looking for,

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'but they were stuck on "are".

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'It's not even an option. They finally take a punt

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'but the captain's shouting the opposite.

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'A last-gasp dash and Zara's a lucky girl.

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'She'd have got a face full of water if Joe had got it wrong.

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Just a word of advice -

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it's not necessary to lead with your face.

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But you do get maximum points - 20 points!

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CHEERING

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Austin, this one is big AND clever.

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Who's being a clever in your team to face it?

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-I'll give you a clue.

-It's not you.

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-It's those two.

-Where am I looking?

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-It's a recipe for disaster.

-No, it's not.

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You're gonna be great. Are you ready to get in shape?

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-I'm absolutely ready.

-Are you sure?

-No.

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-Step on to the play area.

-CHEERING

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Yes! Yes!

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Yes! Ahhh...

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And bring on the Wall!

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38 or 36?

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PEOPLE SHOUT OUT

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CHEERING

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Jonathan, perfect adding up.

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'Toyah and Barney look like they're waiting for a lollipop lady

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'as Austin wracks his brains from the edge of the pool.

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'There are eleven players on a football team.

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'Plus seven players on a netball team.

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'That gives a total of 36.

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-'Austin has made his decision.'

-It's 36!

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'Ladies first, says Barney, and even some mischief making can't give the Blues the blues.'

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20 points!

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CHEERING

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-I'm so relieved.

-You're very bright!

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After all that bustling around, the scores on the floor are

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particularly ugly reading if you're Joe Swash.

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His team have 35 points,

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but in the lead on 67 points is Austin's team!

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CHEERING

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Very soon someone is going to face the Frankenwall Monster

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that is the Great Wall!

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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That will be decided in round five, the cruel conundrum that I like to call

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Anton's Twist.

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CHEERING

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Each team faces a wall that has been thought up by the sneakiest,

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craftiest part of my brain. To get through it will take real determination and courage.

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It will be worth the effort,

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because it will bring the teams 30 huge points.

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-Joe...

-Yes?

-As current loser...

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-Thank you very much.

-..you go first.

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Lovely stuff.

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It is the Mystery Guest Wall.

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Oooh!

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-I have a mystery guest waiting up there for you, but...

-Yes?

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-You have to play this...

-Is it my mum?

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Is it my mum? You'll need a big wall if it's my mum!

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Don't show that bit, she'll kill me.

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A huge wall, is that what you're saying?

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-We need two walls.

-Two walls to beat your mum.

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-Shall we find out who it is?

-Yes!

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Mystery guest, slide in, please!

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CHEERING

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It's my mum.

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It's your mum!

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What are you doing here?

0:21:380:21:40

What's she doing here?!

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-I didn't mean what I said.

-I heard every word.

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-How's he doing, your lad?

-He's doing very well.

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-He's a good boy.

-He is?

-He is a good boy.

-Rude about his mum.

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I'm used to it, Anton, I'm used to it.

0:21:530:21:56

Lovely to meet you. Sorry about your son disrespecting you.

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LAUGHTER

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He's a lovely young man.

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-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Definitely.

0:22:040:22:07

Come on, mum. Step up to the play area.

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CHEERING

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Come on!

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We can do this.

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And bring on the Wall!

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-I know, sit on my knee!

-Just sit on his knee!

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Sit on my knee.

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Put your legs up!

0:22:320:22:34

Put your legs up!

0:22:340:22:36

HE LAUGHS

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Talk us through what Joe did with his lovely mum.

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How could he, Anton? He's supposed to be a mummy's boy!

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Joe's still reeling from the surprise, but Mum's determined not to take a dip.

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As for the shape,

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it should really be little Joe sitting on his mum's lap.

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But Joe wants to prove he's all grown up

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so he grabs her and tries to lift.

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Mum never quite gets her legs off the ground,

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and when The Wall arrives, the Swashes get a washing!

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Oh-h-h-h! What a disaster.

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You didn't line your mum up very well there, did you?

0:23:240:23:27

I tried my best!

0:23:270:23:30

-Ten points for Mum.

-Yeah!

-Well done.

0:23:300:23:32

SHE MOUTHS Thank you.

0:23:340:23:37

Austin, yours is a bit special... because it involves 100 people.

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You're absolutely right to be confused. But the good news

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-is that you only need one of you.

-Oh, right, OK.

-Who's it to be?

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-Well, I think that...

-It's got to be you, hasn't it?

0:23:500:23:53

I've got the grasp of this. We want someone who is small and can get through holes, who is dry.

0:23:530:23:59

ANTON LAUGHS

0:23:590:24:01

Toyah, you're perfect for that. Off you go!

0:24:010:24:04

-Toyah, my love...

-Hello.

-The good news is...

0:24:040:24:08

Actually, there's no good news! The bad news is

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you'll be standing on the play area over there

0:24:100:24:13

and you'll be backing The Wall.

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-What, my back to The Wall?!

-You'll be backing The Wall.

0:24:140:24:17

But you'll have 100 people over there...

0:24:170:24:20

CHEERING

0:24:200:24:23

-..to mirror the wall shape for you to get in.

-Don't let me down!

0:24:230:24:26

-They won't.

-What about the people with the Joe Swash banner?

0:24:260:24:29

That's slightly biased, can we have them removed?

0:24:290:24:32

-No, they're all right just where they are!

-A word of advice - don't look at them.

0:24:320:24:37

All right!

0:24:370:24:38

Step up to the play area.

0:24:380:24:40

Come on, Toyah.

0:24:400:24:41

Don't let me down!

0:24:410:24:43

Hello, loves!

0:24:470:24:49

Stand up.

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Let's have a little practice. I'm going to go left. Ready? Shape left!

0:24:520:24:56

Shape right.

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SOME LAUGHTER

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I'll get you a towel, you'll be all right.

0:24:590:25:02

-All right, are you ready?!

-Yes!

0:25:020:25:05

-Are YOU ready?

-As ready as I'll ever be!

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Bring on the wall!

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ALL SHOUT OUT

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ENTHUSIASTIC SHOUTING CONTINUES

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ALL: Ooh!

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Why are you so pleased with yourselves?!

0:25:370:25:40

You went in the water!

0:25:400:25:42

Jonathan...they were terrible.

0:25:420:25:46

'Toya left her fate in the hands of our studio audience

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'and she paid the price.'

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'The shape wasn't too difficult, it was just all about the position of it,

0:25:500:25:55

'and that was nowhere near where Toya began.

0:25:550:25:58

'She scuttled across the play area like a crab across the sand,

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'and was agonisingly close to pulling off and unlikely escape.

0:26:010:26:05

'Alas, crabs are equally at home in the water,

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-'and that's where Toya ends up.'

-You were SO close!

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They were brilliant but none of them were telling me where to stand!

0:26:110:26:15

I grant you that,

0:26:150:26:17

-but their shaping was nice!

-Oh, good!

0:26:170:26:19

-I think you deserve ten points!

-Oh, yes!

0:26:190:26:23

I love that round. It's quite literally twisting by the pool.

0:26:260:26:29

At the end of an absorbing contest, I can tell you that Joe...

0:26:290:26:32

has 45 points.

0:26:320:26:34

With 77 points, and in control of the Great Wall, it's Austin's team!

0:26:340:26:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:390:26:41

Yes, the Great Wall, a legendary wall that has defeated many great warriors.

0:26:480:26:52

Its means of attack are these -

0:26:520:26:54

it moves at super speed towards three players,

0:26:540:26:58

all of whom have to get through it to bag that £10,000 for charity.

0:26:580:27:02

Austin, you can play or pass The Great Wall,

0:27:020:27:07

but be told - The Great Wall is a great unknown - sometimes,

0:27:070:27:12

it's incredibly difficult. Sometimes, easy as pie.

0:27:120:27:17

What's it to be?

0:27:170:27:18

Are you gonna play or pass?

0:27:180:27:20

But, if you do take it on and fail, the money automatically goes

0:27:200:27:24

to Joe's team over there.

0:27:240:27:28

-What's it to be? Are you gonna play or pass?

-We're gonna play.

0:27:280:27:31

You're gonna play!

0:27:310:27:33

What a lovely decision.

0:27:350:27:37

-Thank you.

-Good luck!

0:27:370:27:39

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Well, step up to the play area

0:27:390:27:43

one last time!

0:27:430:27:45

AUSTIN YELPS

0:27:480:27:50

That was a stinger!

0:27:500:27:52

This is it! Bring on The Great Wall!

0:27:540:27:58

Oh, my God!

0:28:050:28:06

Austin, get down! Get down, Austin!

0:28:060:28:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:120:28:15

-Well done, well done.

-Well done.

0:28:240:28:28

-Congratulations.

-Unlucky!

0:28:280:28:29

Jonathan, show us that fabulous Great Wall again.

0:28:290:28:33

'The Blues give a magnificent team performance

0:28:330:28:36

'with an imperious Great Wall.

0:28:360:28:37

'It's officially an easy wall,

0:28:370:28:40

'but that's no guarantee of success. But not even a scratch.

0:28:400:28:43

'Toya is down, legs up and ready -

0:28:430:28:46

'Barney's not quite so keen to wave his legs in the air, but gets there,

0:28:460:28:50

'and that leaves Captain Healey to deal with the frog leap of faith -

0:28:500:28:54

'we never doubted him. The bragging rights go to the blue team.'

0:28:540:28:57

Congratulations. Where's the £10,000 going?

0:28:570:29:00

We've drawn lots, and today,

0:29:000:29:02

it's gonna go to my charity, the Rainbow Trust,

0:29:020:29:05

-which looks after families with terminally ill children.

-Thank you very much. Fabulous.

0:29:050:29:10

Well, that's it for now. We'll be back next time

0:29:130:29:16

for another battle between solid wall and shaky celebrity!

0:29:160:29:19

Goodnight!

0:29:190:29:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:210:29:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:410:29:44

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0:29:440:29:47

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