Episode 9 Hole in the Wall

This is Hole In The Wall!

Please welcome your host, a man who's all flesh and bricks,

the Wall king, Anton du Beke.

CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Hole In The Wall,

the show that doesn't so much drive you up the wall as into it.

We've got two teams of extremely bendy celebrities

hoping to find a way through some ridiculously silly holes.

But every team needs a captain,

and ours are straining at the leash to slide into action.

-Shall we get them in?

-CHEERING

Please say, "Hi, ho, silver" to twinkletoes on the rugby pitch and the dancefloor, it's Austin Healey.

And would you Adam and Eve it? It's East End geezer Joe Swash.

Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you.

-How are you doing? Are you all right?

Do you know? They've gone a bit clingy.

I think this is yours from last series. It's baggy in some places

-and tight elsewhere.

-SOME LAUGHTER

And also a bit too long for you! Are you feeling flexible?

I don't know about flexible, feeling very naked at the moment.

Yeah, and cold.

The teams have now reached the top of the slide so let's get them out.

On Austin's team, actress and singer Toyah Wilcox,

and from CBBC, Barney Harwood.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Joe's team tonight, Something For The Weekend's head chef Simon Rimmer,

and from Waterloo Road, actress Zara Abraham.

-Hello, mate!

-Nice to see you.

Oh, my God!

Lovely jubbly!

-Barney, did you crack a coccyx coming down there?

-Yes.

-Right on it.

-Oh, my goodness me!

-Did you not hear it clap?

Right on the brains. Good heavens above! Toyah, you look delightful.

This is a highlight of my career, I can tell you!

Now, Simon, we know you're pretty good at toad in the hole,

but what's your ingredients for chef in a hole?

I actually feel more like a Christmas turkey, wrapped up and ready for the oven! And it's hot.

So here's how it works. It's very complicated so listen up.

To win points, players have to get through a series of increasingly difficult holes in walls

that are moving towards them. If they don't make it,

they'll end up in the drink, and believe me,

it's so cold in there, you look closely enough,

you can just make out the tip of an iceberg. There are five rounds,

at the end of which one team will have earned the right to face...

the wall that makes grown men weep -

the mesmerising Great Wall.

-ALL:

-Oo-oo-h!

-Good "ooh"!

-LAUGHTER

Yes, it's petrifying, but that's what the winning team has to conquer

if they want to win £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

So let's play...

Hole In The Wall!

All right! All the teams have to do in this round is send one player out

to try and win ten points by getting through one hole.

Joe, you get to go first. Who's it going to be?

I'm going to send Mr Rimmer up first.

-Well, are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, I am!

-Step up to the play area.

-Go, Rimmer!

And bring on The Wall!

-ALL:

-Three, two, one!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jump, jump!

Don't jump, don't jump!

Don't jump, whatever you do!

MUSIC: "Hey Now You're A Rockstar" by Smash Mouth

MUSIC DROWNS COMMENTS

Oh, lovely!

Yes!

I... Well, it's a bit broken, but it wasn't a bad effort.

-The shape was perfect, wasn't it?

-Well, from the waist up.

LAUGHTER

Jonathan, show us that half-perfect shape.

Simon was a man possessed! There's psyching out the opposition,

but Simon tries to scare away The Wall, too!

He was like the bogeyman looming large.

But just being scary isn't going to get him points.

Our chef is in the pressure cooker to perform

a tricky Michelin-star jump, and what a leap that is!

He's jumped out of the frying pan and into the wall!

You should give him a roasting for that, Anton.

The idea is to get through the hole without damaging it.

-Oh.

-Didn't do that. So it's only...

-eight points.

-Yes!

Well done.

Eight points.

-All right, Austin...

-SOME LAUGHTER

..it's possibly the biggest decision of your life

-so far.

-OK. It's a tough one.

-Who's it going to be?

Well...

..I think I'm going to pick a big kid to go in the play area.

-Good choice.

-So it's going to be Barney.

-Barney!

-Come on, Barney!

-CHEERING

-You can do it.

-TOYAH: You can do it.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yeah.

-All right.

-Step up to the play area.

-Go on, Barney!

-Come on!

And bring on The Wall!

ALL: Three, two, one!

Anton, that's how to do it. That's easy as A, B, C

for our CBBC presenter.

It's all in the stomach muscles as Barney needs to be sturdy

to hold his legs aloft. He needs to make the human V shape

to make it V for Victory for the Blues in this round.

The slight readjustment on the play area makes all the difference,

and the Barney army salute to a job well done.

Ten points!

Yeah!

Well done.

APPLAUSE DROWNS COMMENTS

You can't deny it, it was very good. Some brilliant performances there,

which means at the end of that round, the scores on the floor are:

Joe's team slight behind with eight, Austin's team in the lead with ten!

Looks nice, that ten.

Next up, we raise the stakes in Captain's Mate.

Two players, a captain and a team mate,

have to bond quickly as they both face a fast-moving wall.

There are 20 points available if they make it and not a sausage if they don't.

So, Joe, it's you and Zara to play. Are you ready to get in shape?

-I'm ready to get in shape.

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

-I'm ready.

-Team?

-Come on, team!

-Come on, team!

-Swash, you've got no chance!

Step up to the play area.

Oh, my gosh. Ah!

And bring on The Wall!

-ALL:

-Three, two, one!

-Come on!

Go on!

ZARA SCREAMS

Jonathan, talk us through that half-damaged wall.

Anton, Joe and Zara needed to execute a horizontal back lift.

Zara hops up and wriggles around like a little Yorkshire Terrier

-after a bone!

-HIGH-PITCHED BARKING

But her fidgeting doesn't breed confidence with Joe

and a litter of mistakes follow. Joe doesn't stand in the right place

while Zara's legs aren't straight. They take a chunk out of The Wall.

They're dry, but on that performance, they're not the best in show.

If you had put your legs out completely straight,

-it would've been maximum points.

-We would've got knocked off.

-No, you would've been fine.

-No!

-You would've actually made the hole in the wall.

Oh! SOME GROANING

Huh? Huh?!

Seven points.

Austin...

your captain's mate is Toyah.

-Are you both ready to get in shape?

-Oh, I suppose so!

Step up to the play area.

Oh, boy!

And bring on the Wall!

Bend your knees.

Oh, no!

Jonathan,

talk us through that disaster.

'That was a thriller dance disaster. Austin and Toyah might have nightmares about it.

'They've got to pull off the classic zombie move.

'So it's lean back, arms out and do the zombie.

'But the full moon must've come out and sent them loopy.

'They lose control as they stretch

'and bite off a chillingly large slab of wall in the process.'

-I like the shape. 7 points!

-Yes!

That round is WALL over.

AUDIENCE GROAN

It means the scores on the floor are...

Joe's team are just behind on 15 points,

but Austin's team are in the lead with 17!

CHEERING

Confidence is growing but who will lead today with 10,000 big ones for charity?

Time will tell but now it's round three.

-Team Wall.

-CHEERING

You won't be surprised that Team Wall is a round for the whole team.

Three players face one wall, with ten points each

if they get through, which means they could win a possible

30 points.

CHEERING

-Joe, you're up first. Are you ready?

-Yes.

Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

Audience, it is time for you to urge the team.

-Are you ready?

-Yes!

-And...

-Bring on the Wall!

-Let me go first.

-Lift your legs up.

Lift your legs up.

Oh!

Let's help Joe out.

-We were so close.

-We would've made it.

-An inch away.

-I can't believe it.

-Talk us through that.

'What was going through those simple reds' minds there?

'It's an easy shape. They need to kick while standing in a line.

'Joe picks Zara up and thrusts here skyward.

'It all went downhill from there. Simon's surprised

'by Joe's tactics and ends up being the first in the pool.

'The others aren't far behind. Joe's arms turn to jelly and he drops Zara right in it.

'They'll be kicking themselves.'

Unfortunately, for that disaster - no points!

AUDIENCE: Ahhhh.

LAUGHTER

How can you give 'em no points, Anton?

HE LAUGHS

His time will come.

-Austin, are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

We're fairly deluded. CHEERING

-Are you ready, audience?

-Yes!

-And...

Bring on the Wall!

This way. Face the other way. Toyah, stand on top of us.

Back a bit. That's it, that's it.

CHEERING

What a beauty! Getting through a hole. Don't stop it with your face.

What were you thinking? Jonathan, show is that wall in Austin's face.

'The task is human trampolines for Barney and friends.

'The boys choose to be the springboard for

'Tiny Toyah to balance on. Terrific attention to detail by Austin.

'He interlocks his legs with Barney's to make a rock-solid platform for Toyah.

'Toyah's up, down, but up when it counts and stays up

'at a small cost to Austin's good looks.

'What a captain, Anton. Give that man a medal. Or a hug.'

An absolute beauty.

You made the shape, you stayed dry, you took a little damage for your team.

What a captain. Eat a bit of wall, I love it. 30 points!

Get in! CHEERING

At the end of that round, the scores on the floor are...

Not a terribly attractive 15 points to Joe's team

but a gorgeous 47 points to Austin's team!

CHEERING

Our celebrities have moulded their bodies into shapes

they never thought existed. Now it's time to give their brains a workout

too. Oh, heavens.

Yes, it's Wonder Wall!

CHEERING

Wonder Wall is the Einstein of walls.

A question and two possible answers are written on this wall.

Behind the right answer is a hole, behind the wrong answer is rock-solid wall.

That's gonna hurt. Two players step up and if they make it

through the wall, they'll win 20 points.

-So Joe...

-Yes?

You're trailing.

I'm going to give you a chance to catch up. You go first.

You're looking for two players with IQs

-of over 50.

-That counts me out, so

I'm going to take a back seat and let you two

-be honourable.

-They're going to be honourable?

They're gonna be the honourable ones.

I'll get you a towel. Are you ready to get in shape?

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, yes!

Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

And bring on the Wall!

"Up" or "above"?

CHEERING

You went face first!

I love that.

Jonathan, talk us through that wonderful twinkly moment.

'How I wonder how they managed that, Anton.

'The Reds have stars in their eyes, they can't count.

'"Above" is the 12th word they're looking for,

'but they were stuck on "are".

'It's not even an option. They finally take a punt

'but the captain's shouting the opposite.

'A last-gasp dash and Zara's a lucky girl.

'She'd have got a face full of water if Joe had got it wrong.

Just a word of advice -

it's not necessary to lead with your face.

But you do get maximum points - 20 points!

CHEERING

Austin, this one is big AND clever.

Who's being a clever in your team to face it?

-I'll give you a clue.

-It's not you.

-It's those two.

-Where am I looking?

-It's a recipe for disaster.

-No, it's not.

You're gonna be great. Are you ready to get in shape?

-I'm absolutely ready.

-Are you sure?

-No.

-Step on to the play area.

-CHEERING

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Ahhh...

And bring on the Wall!

38 or 36?

PEOPLE SHOUT OUT

CHEERING

Jonathan, perfect adding up.

'Toyah and Barney look like they're waiting for a lollipop lady

'as Austin wracks his brains from the edge of the pool.

'There are eleven players on a football team.

'Plus seven players on a netball team.

'That gives a total of 36.

-'Austin has made his decision.'

-It's 36!

'Ladies first, says Barney, and even some mischief making can't give the Blues the blues.'

20 points!

CHEERING

-I'm so relieved.

-You're very bright!

After all that bustling around, the scores on the floor are

particularly ugly reading if you're Joe Swash.

His team have 35 points,

but in the lead on 67 points is Austin's team!

CHEERING

Very soon someone is going to face the Frankenwall Monster

that is the Great Wall!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

That will be decided in round five, the cruel conundrum that I like to call

Anton's Twist.

CHEERING

Each team faces a wall that has been thought up by the sneakiest,

craftiest part of my brain. To get through it will take real determination and courage.

It will be worth the effort,

because it will bring the teams 30 huge points.

-Joe...

-Yes?

-As current loser...

-Thank you very much.

-..you go first.

Lovely stuff.

It is the Mystery Guest Wall.

Oooh!

-I have a mystery guest waiting up there for you, but...

-Yes?

-You have to play this...

-Is it my mum?

Is it my mum? You'll need a big wall if it's my mum!

Don't show that bit, she'll kill me.

A huge wall, is that what you're saying?

-We need two walls.

-Two walls to beat your mum.

-Shall we find out who it is?

-Yes!

Mystery guest, slide in, please!

CHEERING

It's my mum.

It's your mum!

What are you doing here?

What's she doing here?!

-I didn't mean what I said.

-I heard every word.

-How's he doing, your lad?

-He's doing very well.

-He's a good boy.

-He is?

-He is a good boy.

-Rude about his mum.

I'm used to it, Anton, I'm used to it.

Lovely to meet you. Sorry about your son disrespecting you.

LAUGHTER

He's a lovely young man.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Definitely.

Come on, mum. Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

Come on!

We can do this.

And bring on the Wall!

-I know, sit on my knee!

-Just sit on his knee!

Sit on my knee.

Put your legs up!

Put your legs up!

HE LAUGHS

Talk us through what Joe did with his lovely mum.

How could he, Anton? He's supposed to be a mummy's boy!

Joe's still reeling from the surprise, but Mum's determined not to take a dip.

As for the shape,

it should really be little Joe sitting on his mum's lap.

But Joe wants to prove he's all grown up

so he grabs her and tries to lift.

Mum never quite gets her legs off the ground,

and when The Wall arrives, the Swashes get a washing!

Oh-h-h-h! What a disaster.

You didn't line your mum up very well there, did you?

I tried my best!

-Ten points for Mum.

-Yeah!

-Well done.

SHE MOUTHS Thank you.

Austin, yours is a bit special... because it involves 100 people.

You're absolutely right to be confused. But the good news

-is that you only need one of you.

-Oh, right, OK.

-Who's it to be?

-Well, I think that...

-It's got to be you, hasn't it?

I've got the grasp of this. We want someone who is small and can get through holes, who is dry.

ANTON LAUGHS

Toyah, you're perfect for that. Off you go!

-Toyah, my love...

-Hello.

-The good news is...

Actually, there's no good news! The bad news is

you'll be standing on the play area over there

and you'll be backing The Wall.

-What, my back to The Wall?!

-You'll be backing The Wall.

But you'll have 100 people over there...

CHEERING

-..to mirror the wall shape for you to get in.

-Don't let me down!

-They won't.

-What about the people with the Joe Swash banner?

That's slightly biased, can we have them removed?

-No, they're all right just where they are!

-A word of advice - don't look at them.

All right!

Step up to the play area.

Come on, Toyah.

Don't let me down!

Hello, loves!

Stand up.

Let's have a little practice. I'm going to go left. Ready? Shape left!

Shape right.

SOME LAUGHTER

I'll get you a towel, you'll be all right.

-All right, are you ready?!

-Yes!

-Are YOU ready?

-As ready as I'll ever be!

Bring on the wall!

ALL SHOUT OUT

ENTHUSIASTIC SHOUTING CONTINUES

ALL: Ooh!

Why are you so pleased with yourselves?!

You went in the water!

Jonathan...they were terrible.

'Toya left her fate in the hands of our studio audience

'and she paid the price.'

'The shape wasn't too difficult, it was just all about the position of it,

'and that was nowhere near where Toya began.

'She scuttled across the play area like a crab across the sand,

'and was agonisingly close to pulling off and unlikely escape.

'Alas, crabs are equally at home in the water,

-'and that's where Toya ends up.'

-You were SO close!

They were brilliant but none of them were telling me where to stand!

I grant you that,

-but their shaping was nice!

-Oh, good!

-I think you deserve ten points!

-Oh, yes!

I love that round. It's quite literally twisting by the pool.

At the end of an absorbing contest, I can tell you that Joe...

has 45 points.

With 77 points, and in control of the Great Wall, it's Austin's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, the Great Wall, a legendary wall that has defeated many great warriors.

Its means of attack are these -

it moves at super speed towards three players,

all of whom have to get through it to bag that £10,000 for charity.

Austin, you can play or pass The Great Wall,

but be told - The Great Wall is a great unknown - sometimes,

it's incredibly difficult. Sometimes, easy as pie.

What's it to be?

Are you gonna play or pass?

But, if you do take it on and fail, the money automatically goes

to Joe's team over there.

-What's it to be? Are you gonna play or pass?

-We're gonna play.

You're gonna play!

What a lovely decision.

-Thank you.

-Good luck!

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Well, step up to the play area

one last time!

AUSTIN YELPS

That was a stinger!

This is it! Bring on The Great Wall!

Oh, my God!

Austin, get down! Get down, Austin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well done, well done.

-Well done.

-Congratulations.

-Unlucky!

Jonathan, show us that fabulous Great Wall again.

'The Blues give a magnificent team performance

'with an imperious Great Wall.

'It's officially an easy wall,

'but that's no guarantee of success. But not even a scratch.

'Toya is down, legs up and ready -

'Barney's not quite so keen to wave his legs in the air, but gets there,

'and that leaves Captain Healey to deal with the frog leap of faith -

'we never doubted him. The bragging rights go to the blue team.'

Congratulations. Where's the £10,000 going?

We've drawn lots, and today,

it's gonna go to my charity, the Rainbow Trust,

-which looks after families with terminally ill children.

-Thank you very much. Fabulous.

Well, that's it for now. We'll be back next time

for another battle between solid wall and shaky celebrity!

Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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