Episode 8 Hole in the Wall

Yippee! Woo hoo hoo!

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is Hole In The Wall. Please welcome your host, the brick magnet

that is Anton Du Beke!

CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Hole In The Wall, the show that treats all its walls with the utmost respect.

Well, they are after all, holy.

Tonight's celebrities are currently being squeezed into their silver

suits, but already clad head to toe in Lycra are our captains.

-Shall we get them out?

-Yes!

Please welcome a tiny sporting giant and a minute jungle king, it's Austin Healey and Joe Swash!

CHEERING

Joe?

-Yes.

-Outside of this studio, have you been getting a strange urge to run into walls?

I haven't, but I got a strange urge to put this costume on in private.

Have you? Ooooo!

I can feel the static energy coming off that suit.

-I'm feeling electric tonight.

-Are you? Electric and water...

Well, there's no point calling you team captains without giving you teams.

Joining Austin tonight, an acting double act.

The gorgeous Sian Reeves, and from EastEnders it's John Partridge!

CHEERING

And Joe's team, DJ Kate Lawler and classical singer Jonathan Ansell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on! We can do this! We can do this!

-Oh, I like that!

-Fighting talk!

-Listen, they might be muscly, but we're better looking, all right?

I like the fact I'm on the younger team as well.

The old fogies over there...

it's like a little trip out for them.

Here's how it works.

A wall with a hole in it moves towards a celebrity who must try

to get safely through the hole in order to win points for their team.

The slightest miscalculation results in the wall having the last laugh.

There are five rounds which get more difficult as both teams

fight it out to take on the wall that eats celebrities for breakfast.

The vicious Great Wall!

Oooo!

The team that is victorious will be given a big pat on the back

and £10,000 for a charity of their choice. So, are you ready?

-Yes, we are.

-Are you ready?

-Yes!

Let's play Hole In The Wall!

We like to ease you in gently, so we'll start with Solo Wall,...

one wall, one hole, one celebrity.

Easy as pie. Austin?

-Big John is going to take on the first wall?

-Come on, John.

-How are you doing, Jon?

-Good, thanks.

-You really are quite impressive, aren't you?

-Do you like it?

-Oh, put it away! Stop showing off.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Step up to the play area.

-Come on, John!

-Bring on the wall!

-Three, two, one!

Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've seen some excitement in my life, but never quite as frightening as that!

Jonathan, how was that ankle grabbing for you?

What a way to start, Anton!

John Partridge is looking so confident, I'm surprised the wall

didn't turn round and go back the other way!

He can't muscle his way through.

He needs his flexibility and dexterity...

exactly the sort of tricks that John, a former ballet dancer, has up his tight silver sleeves.

As he grabs his tight silver ankles, and with a cheeky slap

he's through, and can't stay still for a second longer.

It was absolutely perfect, ten points.

-Well, Joe?

-We've had the beast. Now it's time for the beauty.

Get up there, Kate.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Absolutely!

-Well, step up to the play area.

-Go on, Kate!

-Bring on the wall!

-Three, two, one!

CHEERING

Handstand! Handstand!

Handstand!

Oh!

Jonathan, tell us how that handstand went.

It's all in the timing, Anton.

Kate is hesitant from the start and appears to be telling her teammates that she can't do handstands.

It's too late for that. She has got five seconds to learn.

Suddenly, playground memories come flooding

back to Kate and she actually gets her body in all the right positions.

Her line-up with the hole is good, the timing of the handstand is

bang on, but her legs go up when they should go out.

What goes up must come down... a lot faster than it went up.

-I think the effort was there.

-The effort was all there.

I'll tell you what, because of your handstand, which I thought

was rather impressive, I'm going to give you two points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the scores on the floor are

Joe's team with two points, Austin's team with ten points!

CHEERING

Well, they aren't doing this to further their careers cos it certainly ain't gonna do that!

Nope, they're doing this to win £10,000 for charity...

a lot of money and well worth getting beaten up by a wall for.

Round Two is called Captain's Mate.

Oh, arrr!

This is a round

for two players... a captain and a celebrity teammate.

Their task is to both make it through the wall and earn 20 points.

Tonight, for your added viewing pleasure, the captains are going to be blindfolded!

No!

Austin, it's you and lovely Sian.

-I'll look after you.

-That's what I'm worried about!

-I hope you do, because he's got to put these on.

-Oh, no!

How are you feeling, Captain's Mate?

I know that my mum is going to be really jealous that I've got to hold you.

Hold on a sec, your mum?!

That's your age, mate!

Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes.

-Good.

-Would you lead him to the play area?

-I will, come on.

-Thank you so much.

CHEERING

-I'm going to put you in the centre, all right?

-Bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

Turn this way, and I've got to go this way. OK?

Lift your legs up!

Stay there.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jonathan, what a captain's mate she is!

Austin has got the perfect partner in Sian.

In glittering silver they take on the wall, and while

Austin may have the moves, it is Sian who leads him on a merry dance here.

Turn this way...

Although Austin can't see, it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference.

He even tries to finish with a flourish with an extended left arm, but there's no room for that.

This is a smooth performance from the Blues though and they pass through the hole with ease.

Celebration time for Austin, though Sian leaves him hanging.

We might be old, but we can still win!

20 points!

It's my favourite bit. I love this bit.

You and Jonathan have got to do this wall together.

-We've got a lot to follow because they were quite good.

-They weren't bad, were they?

Are you're both ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Yeah, he says! Well, step up the play area!

Go, Joe!

Bring on the wall!

Twist your body and then do that. Hips in! No, no!

Jonathan, what happened there?

What didn't happen, Anton?

This was a catalogue of errors. It resembles a pottery class out there and Joe's like putty in his hands.

He needs to sculpt Joe into an aeroplane shape, but he just ends up making him do the Hokey Cokey.

Twist your body then do that!

-Jonathan doesn't leave himself long enough to get his own aeroplane revving either.

-Hips in!

Both hit some wall turbulence and it's an emergency water landing for the pair of them.

We made the right shapes and that's all that counts.

LAUGHTER

Technically speaking, that's not all that counts.

And the effort we put in?

Effort doesn't count for much, either. Two points!

CHEERING

That's rubbish!

At the end of Captain's Mate, the scores on the floors are trailing

behind with four points it's Joe's team, but in the lead is Austin's team!

CHEERING

Now it's time for Round Three. It's Team Wall.

CHEERING

Team Wall is a round in which the whole team face a wall and,

if they make it through, they will win the grand prize of 30 points.

So, Austin, your team's up first. What's your game plan for this one?

We're going to scrum down and go through the wall.

-Are you?

-Yeah, and you've got

to go like that. That's it, we're straight through.

I hope for your sake there's a scrum down position in the wall.

-If not, you're going to struggle with that one! Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, we are!

Come on, step up to the play area.

Bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

Go forward! Can you do the splits?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jonathan, talk us through that beautiful shape.

Yes, Anton, this was the team splits wall and it

required all three of them to get down and show us their credentials.

Both John and Sian have dancing in their past, and so does Austin, we thought.

John is the first down into position.

Sian joins him out in front, and Austin, the team captain, leads by example and has a lie-down.

Austin thinks we won't spot him as he cowers behind John, but we can all

see he's bottled it, and for that lack of courage, points will tumble.

-Give us some points.

-I'm going to give you ten points.

I'm going to give you ten points.

-Thank you!

-You! I'm going to do the splits... No, I'm not.

-Nothing.

-What?

-20 points!

-What?

CHEERING

-Joe?

-Yes!

-Are you ready to get in shape?

Yes, we are. We need to get some points on the board badly.

If we stayed here till Tuesday, you couldn't get enough points on the board, but good luck all the same.

Step up to the play area.

ALL: Bring on the wall!

ALL: Three, two, one!

CHEERING

It's too easy!

-No, don't jump!

-This way?

-What do you mean?

-Don't jump!

-What do you mean?

-Don't jump! Three, two, one...

Jump! Jump!

THEY CHEER

Yeah, we got some points!

-Not yet you haven't!

-The wall fell apart without any of us touching it!

"It came towards me and what did you know, the wall just disintegrated!"

Jonathan?

'You may not have touched the wall, Joe, but someone did.

'Perfect harmony and synchronicity was needed for this two-footed jump.

'Joe gives his team some sound advice.'

Ready, all jump!

'Just in case they haven't spotted that themselves.

'He even does a little warm-up. If only the others had practised too!

Joe gets the height and timing spot on, but Kate and Jonathan's jumps

are sluggish and they land on the wall. A lesson learned,

but the team are dry and are finally getting their act together.

-I thought that was a good effort. Did you think that?

-ALL: Yes!

I thought that was your best effort to date. 20 points!

CHEERING

-Only 26 behind.

-At the end of that round, the scores on the floor are

Joe's team still technically last,

with 24 points, and in the lead, Austin's team with 50 points.

CHEERING

Remember, it's all building to that battle with the Great Wall...

GONG STRIKES AUDIENCE: Woo!

And the chance to walk away... Well, limp away.

..with 10 grand for charity. Up next, a round for intellectuals.

-What does that mean?

-Don't ask me.

Well, it's time for Wonder Wall!

In this round, a question with two possible answers are written on the wall.

Two players must prove they're more intelligent than they look, standing in front of the right answer

and letting the wall pass safely over them. They'll earn 20 points if that happens.

But pick the wrong answer and they won't know what's hit them.

To make the team in second place happier, they will go first.

-So, Joe, you need to pick your two finest minds for this wall.

-Right...

The way I'm looking at it, we need our finest minds on the side of the pool helping us.

-Me and Kate didn't bother going to school, so we'll go up there.

-LAUGHTER

There's been a slight void in your life!

What was it? I remember - school. Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-I've never been readier in my entire life!

-Well, step up to the play area.

-Come on, girl! Let's get this going!

CHEERING

-We can do this. Remember, stand in the middle, then split.

-Split.

And bring on the wall!

AUDIENCE: Three, two, one!

"You're in a race. You overtake the 2nd person. What's your position - 2nd or 1st?"

First! First!

First!

Jonathan, could you work out what happened there for us, please?

'A Wonder Wall played by Joe and Kate.

'They get it wrong, but it's Joe and Jonathan who end up getting soaked.

'How did that happen? Joe's not so clever way

'of hedging the team's bets sees Kate get a gentlemanly shove to safety.

'Meanwhile, Austin's playing by his own rules, deciding Jonathan deserves a soaking.

'As for the question, if you're in a race and overtake the second person,

'you are, of course, in second place.

'Anton, the Red Team need their heads tested and Austin needs his bottom smacked.'

Right, we have a conundrum here.

You get no points.

-Why?

-You were terrible.

You get deducted 10 points.

CHEERING AND BOOING

Right, so Austin, over to you, big boy.

Who are the know-alls in your team?

Well, I think we should put the beef up there and leave the brains on the side.

So me and John will go up there and Sian is gonna tell us the exact correct answer.

-Are you boys ready to get in shape?

-Yeah! Come on!

Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

AUDIENCE: Three, two, one!

What's the 20th word of the nursery rhyme Hickory Dickory Dock?

Dock or dickory?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They knew the rhyme, so let's see it another time. Jonathan?

'Right you are, Anton.

'There once was a team called blue who faced a painted clue.

'From two doors to choose, they didn't want to lose

'because blue would then need a canoe. Thank you very much.

'Anyway, back to the question. Count 20 words into Hickory Dickory Dock,

'avoid those tricky little syllables and you'll end up docking at dock,

'just like they did.'

20 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the scores on the floor are Joe's team...

Oh, for goodness sake!

I'll give you an extra point.

-Joe's team 25.

-CHEERING

-But Austin's team - 60 points!

-CHEERING

Which means, as we go into the final round,

Austin is in pole position to win that £10,000 pay day for charity.

But it could all change in my very own round,

the cunning challenge that is...

Anton's Twist.

Now, not only do I present this show, I also spend many hours toiling away in my dark tower...

Yes, I have a tower.

..to come up with these weird and wonderful walls for this round.

They all have a treacherous twist, so there is a ridiculously generous 30 points on offer for each team.

So, Joe, we have a two-player wall for you,

which involves my very own design of...

Go on, give it to me.

-..balloon ankle bracelets.

-What?!

-So, Joe...

-Yes?

-..who's going to play?

These two. Go on, go and do what you've got to do.

These two? All right, my dear, pop these on. If you put these on...

Oh, they're beauties.

Oh, look at that!

-Can you help...?

-There's a lot of balloons. Can I help do one or two?

-Let's go out with some honour.

-All right, you fill your boots.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Yeah!

-Well, step up to the play area.

-Go on, guys!

CHEERING

I'm going to belly flop them.

Bring on the wall!

AUDIENCE: Three, two, one!

BALLOONS POP

-That was brilliant!

-ANTON LAUGHS

Jonathan? Talk us through that balloon busting wall.

'The Reds had to prove they were top of the poppers, Anton.

'With Captain Swash joining the balloon bonanza, they should have had

'ample time to pop all the balloons and jump through the hole.

'Their bursting techniques vary.

'Kate goes for the squat and pinch option.

'Jonathan uses the slapping, but never quite bursting method.

'And there's only one way Joe's gonna do it -

'jump and belly flop onto them.

'Kate manages to squeeze herself and a few balloons to safety,

'but Jonathan's left only half deflated

'and gets a hot air balloon ride across the water.

'He doesn't get far though...

'..and it's a game of water balloons instead.'

Well, I thought that was wonderful.

A great effort. I'm going to give you 20 points.

-CHEERING

-That's good!

Austin, for you, we have a three player wall in which

one of you won't be able to see, one won't be able to hear, and one won't be able to speak.

-HE LAUGHS

-Here we go. John...

-Lady Ga-Ga.

-..for you. Lady Ga-Ga.

-My love, for you.

-Thank you.

-And this should keep you quiet.

For you.

You know the famous Chinese three monkeys proverb?

Well, this is based on the slightly less famous three walls proverb...

"See no wall, hear no wall and speak no wall."

-Oh, that's not tight enough!

-AUSTIN MUMBLES

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yo! >

LAUGHTER

-Then step up to the play area.

-MUFFLED:

-Come on!

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

AUDIENCE: Three, two, one!

Kneel up with your elbows out. In a bit. That's it, on your hips.

We did it, we did it!

Well done, team!

Jonathan, what a team!

'Well, this is a remarkable team, Anton.

They're yet to get so much as their toes wet.

'This one should've caused them difficulties -

'our homage to the three monkeys proverb.

'But they did the right thing and focused their attention on blindfolded John.

John doesn't know whether he's up, down, halfway up or halfway down,

'but he's through, and it's the simplest of tasks for the tiny duo

'of Austin and Sian as they make a monkey out of this one.'

Well, near perfection.

Near perfection. 25 points!

CHEERING

At the end of that round, I can tell you that, with 45 points,

Joe has done extremely well to come...last.

But, with 85 points and in control of the Great Wall tonight, it's Austin's team!

CHEERING

So, the Great Wall.

Many legends have been spread about this monstrosity, but here are the cold, hard facts.

It's a super speed wall for three players that can be played or passed.

If, and only if, Austin's team all get through the wall, they will win £10,000 for charity.

Fail, and all that money... every single penny...

-will automatically go to Joe's team.

-Bring it to Daddy!

-But there's more.

On some nights, the Great Wall is very easy.

On others, it's incredibly difficult.

No-one knows what it will be tonight.

So, Austin... you've got a big decision to make.

This is the hardest decision I've ever had.

Because normally, with that team, you'd let them do it and know full well that you were going to win.

-Guaranteed.

-But we're going to play.

-Ooh!

-They're going to play!

-CHEERING

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes.

-Come on!

-Step up to the play area.

-Come on, team, let's go!

-Best of luck, best of luck.

This is it. Bring on the Great Wall!

AUDIENCE: Three, two, one!

You've got to finish on the play area, so choose one each.

Stand right at the back. You can almost lean through it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Jonathan, what did he do?

'Well, the Blues have stayed dry for the entire show,

'so they were brimming with confidence, but the Great Wall

'can pull the play area out from under the most confident of feet.

'This is a Morse Code wall, so it's a dash-dot-dash to victory,

'and Austin is ready with a team briefing.'

Stand right at the back, you can almost lean through it.

'They're ready to jump like three leaping salmon bolting up river,

'but the current's against them, because the current's a huge super-speed wall!

'They leap for freedom, but only John survives as Sian is cast adrift

'and Austin floats back downstream, only to face more trouble and abuse from the jubilant Reds.'

Well, you were good sports and you did very well to stay dry.

-Congratulations.

-I'm so sorry.

-Hello, smiler.

-It didn't work out bad in the end.

-Congratulations to you, well done.

-Joe's team wins!

-CHEERING

So who is the £10,000 going to?

The £10,000 is going to Kate's charity. You explain it.

A very worthwhile charity, Cystic Fibrosis.

-Cystic Fibrosis. Well done.

-CHEERING

Congratulations. Hard luck, my dear, hard luck.

That's all we've got time for today, but we'll return next time with a whole heap of new celebrities

who'll be hoping to stay calm, stay in shape, but mainly stay dry.

Good night!

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