Episode 5 Hole in the Wall

'This is Hole In The Wall. Please welcome your host.

'He lives, he eats and he sleeps in his very own wall.

'It's Anton du Beke!'

CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Hole In The Wall, where celebrities wear body-hugging silver suits,

squeeze themselves through ridiculous holes

and hurl themselves into a pool of freezing water, yet still somehow managing to retain their dignity.

No, they don't at all.

There's £10,000 for charity on offer for tonight's winner.

But we couldn't possibly let the teams go into action without their captains.

Shall we get them out?

ALL: Yes!

Please give a massive Hole In The Wall welcome

to rugby legend Austin Sean Healey, and jungle myth Joe Adam Swash!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

-Hello. Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you.

Come on, Austin, hurry up!

Come on, we've got a game to play.

So, Austin, answer me this.

What do you think Joe's weaknesses are when it comes to getting through holes in walls?

He hasn't got a weakness. The man is the reincarnation of Adonis.

The East End version of Adonis, he is.

He's a man mountain. He's a tiger. He's a lion.

Just in a sort of smaller version.

What do you think his weaknesses are?

Probably the size of his head.

LAUGHTER

Joining Austin tonight, snooker and glasses legend Dennis Taylor

and ice-dancing ex-Liberty X-er Jessica Taylor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Joe's team, please welcome a pair of comedy legends, Ninia Benjamin and Rufus Hound!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You're gorgeous.

-I know.

So, here's how it works.

We've knocked some very odd holes

into a bunch of walls, which we then send hurtling towards our celebrities.

If they make the shape and get through, they'll win points.

Sadly, if they don't, like a great big baby, they'll end up wetting themselves.

There are five increasingly difficult rounds

before we get to the grand finale -

a meeting with the terrifying Godzilla of walls himself, the Great Wall.

ALL: Wooo!

I love that. It'll eat you guys alive.

But if you want to win that £10,000 for charity, it has to be tackled.

So, them's the rules, partners.

Let's play Hole In The Wall!

Our first round is Solo Wall.

We pluck one player, put them in the play area and send a one-holed wall to attack them at high speed.

So, Joe, who's got to go first?

Right. I'm going to send Rufus "The Hound Dog" Hound into the play area!

Get in there!

Off you go.

Go on, Rufus!

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

-AUSTIN:

-No chance! Just jump in.

MUSIC: "Oops Upside Your Head" by The Gap Band

I think that went very well.

What was it that got just nicked at the end?

Your foot. And it was funny.

Jonathan, so close and yet so far.

'So far down the drain, Anton.

'Rufus gives an intriguing, knowing nod, like some kind of Bond villain.

JAMES BOND THEME

'"I've been expecting you, Mr Bunny Hop Wall."

'Alas, Rufus's confidence doesn't translate into performance.

'Four parts of his body are important here -

'his head, arms, legs and cotton tail.

-# Bright eyes... #

-'He corrects the arms and makes a nice shape,

'but his legs don't have the height, his head meets wall

'and his cotton tail ends up Watership Down.'

APPLAUSE

That was a very good effort, I thought, apart from the collision with the head at the end.

I'm going to give you two points for that.

CHEERING

-Right, Austin, who do you trust in your team to go first?

-I think Jess.

-Ready, Jess?

-Yeah.

-Come here, my love.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yeah.

-She's not!

-She looks scared.

Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

MUSIC: "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira

Oh... Jonathan, what a shape!

'There's a scream from Jessica, but she should recognise this -

'it's an ice skater's arabesque.

'She'd be dancing through melted ice if she failed this.

'She resists the temptation to move too early, but when she does

'it's in all the right places.

'Left arm, right arm, left leg, right leg.

'Worth far more than a 6.0

'and a perfect start for Austin's team.'

To be honest I'd much rather if you'd sent Dennis in for that one.

If he'd have made it, I'd have given him more points, but I can only give you 10 points.

CHEERING

I can tell you that the scores on the floor are...

Ooh... Only just trailing behind with two points.

But in the lead, Austin's team with 10 points.

CHEERING

Time now for team members to double up and take on Captain's Mate.

In Captain's Mate, a team member and their captain have to get through a hole.

There are 20 points on offer if they both make it through.

And today, the team member

is going to be blindfolded!

Oh, I love it when this happens.

So, Joe, my love, it's you and lovely Ninia.

Would you pop those on lovely Ninia for me.

Young man.

I'll pop on to those, lovely.

They all nice and slack?

Are you both ready to get in shape?

We are ready to get in shape, Anton.

-Step up to the play area.

-Let's go.

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

Bend down, bend down...

MUSIC: "Lifted" by Lighthouse Family

Make him not show it yet. I've got to put my glasses on.

I can't wait to see that.

Jonathan, she can't wait. Show her, quick.

'Here it is. They were supposed to be doing a human wheelbarrow shape.

'It was never going to be easy,

'especially as Joe didn't explain the shape,

'preferring to shout simple instructions.'

Stand here! Bend down. Give me your legs!

'Then comes Joe's masterclass on how to knock a girl off her feet.

'By pulling her legs from underneath her.

'And we thought Austin was the rugby player.

'Even the wall's surprised by their lack of form

'and explodes all around their ears,

'leaving Joe to cling on for dear life. Anton!'

Oh, that was too funny.

-We done quite well, I think.

-Well, I... You know...

Come on! Du Beke, look at the scoreline. Come on.

-Half a point.

-I'm going to give you five points.

Oh!

That's generous!

Den, I know you're used to wearing odd-shaped glasses, so I've got a little something for you.

We tried to get you some upside- downies but they wouldn't fit.

NINIA: Dennis, just listen to my voice...

You've got to get your nose in.

-Anton...?

-I'm here.

-Where?

-Don't go.

Are you both ready to get in shape?

I'm as ready as a bag of ready salted crisps.

Step up to the play area.

APPLAUSE

Where am I going...?

-Where am I going?

-Keep coming, Dennis. Keep coming.

And bring on the wall!

Stand here. Right.

Just stand still. Bend over a little bit.

MUSIC: "I'll Be There For You" by The Rembrandts

What a beauty!

Jonathan, what a terrible captain.

'Well, Anton, Austin certainly hung Dennis out to dry there.

'Well, when I say "dry"...

'the bottom-kicking wall puts Austin in a quandary.

'Does he want Dennis to boot him up the bottom, or the other way round?'

'He opts to get his kicks out of Dennis.

'But before he can mould him into position,

'Austin scarpers, selling Dennis down the river.

'Some might say he deserved to go in too.

'That's what you get for leaving your blindfolded team-mate to get a soaking.'

At least we tried to make the shape.

-What are you trying to say?

-No, he never!

-What's he trying to say?!

-I wasn't saying anything.

I'm going to give you two points.

At the end of Captain's Mate, the scores on the floor are...

seven points to Joe's team,

but in the lead it's Austin's team on 12 points.

CHEERING

Now, it's Team Wall.

Well, a whopping 30 points on offer in this round for a successful passage

through the wall by all three team members. So, Joe...

-Yes.

-You're up first. Are you ready to get in shape?

We're ready, team. Come on!

All right, step up to the play area.

CHEERING

And...bring on the wall!

MUSIC: "Red Alert" by Basement Jaxx

It didn't touch you!

Let me help you out.

LAUGHTER

Jonathan, show us their fabulous teamwork.

'The Reds have to get into

'a sumptuous bouquet for the human vase.

'So, thin at the base and blossoming outwards.

'The best way to achieve this

'is to huddle as a trio,

'hold each other's waists and lean out.

'They get it half-right,

'but Rufus is a delicate flower,

'and a light touch of the wall

'prunes him off the play area to the compost heap. Blooming marvellous.'

The shape was there. And we only took a little bit of the wall off.

That's got to count for something.

It does count for something. Not much...

You're going to have 10 points.

-That's all right.

-CHEERING

-Now, are you ready to get in shape, team?

-YES!

LAUGHTER

Go to the play area, please.

APPLAUSE

Yes!

And...bring on the wall!

Jess, go round the front.

Get low, get low!

MUSIC: "Hot In Herre" by Nelly

-Anton...

-Yes.

There's a play area, and that's what it's there for. To play on.

You were on the black bit.

Jonathan, did they all stay in the play area?

'No, they didn't, Anton.

'This hole should be the ultimate in team bonding

'as they squeeze together to fit through the mouse-hole.

'There were three in the bed...'

OK, one after the other. Go to the front, Jess.

'So, Jessica is out on her own

'and out of the play area, while the two boys get cosy.

'All three get through but breaking the rules

'made the task far easier than we'd have liked. Anton, over to you.'

I'll leave it in your hands, Anton, but I think you know what's right.

-Don't say nothing because Anton is a man of honour.

-Yeah.

-Are you suggesting that I'm great?

-Yes.

You can have a point.

-But you can have 20 points!

-That'll do. 20'll do.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Team Wall has done its worst, and I can tell you that the scores

on the floor are...

Joe's team 18 points, Austin's team 32 points!

CHEERING

It's now time for the round that often induces players to say,

"Ooh, my head hurts."

Yes, it's Wonder Wall.

Wonder Wall is the world's cleverest wall. On it is written a question and two possible answers.

Behind the right answer is a hole. Behind the wrong answer is...

ooh...

a wall.

Two players have to work out the right answer

and stand in front of it, if they're going to win 20 points. So, Joe...

-Yes.

-You're trailing.

Who are you going to throw into this mental battle?

-Me and the Hound Dog are going to take the play mat.

-Yeah!

Hound Dog!

I think, with my track record, this can only go very well.

LAUGHTER

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes.

-Go up to the play area.

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

Three dolphins, nine salmon, one whale and six sharks. How many fish?

15 or 18?

15!

MUSIC: "5, 6, 7, 8" by Steps

Pretty painful, that.

I was going 15! 15! And you had to go and listen to that man!

LAUGHTER

-Did we do 15?

-No, you did 18 because you was listening to that...

LAUGHTER

- How could you not listen to me? - I was trying to work it out!

You said, "15, 15..."

I was trying to work it out!

Why did you go to 18 when I was standing right here?!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You pushed your own partner in!

Oh, Jonathan, something very fishy went on there.

COD you take us through it?

'You've come to the right PLAICE for that, Anton.

'There was a red herring.

'Three dolphins, nine salmon, one whale and six sharks. How many fish?

'Well, dolphins and whales are mammals, so ignore those,

'and you're left with 15 fish.

15...

'Rufus gets it right,

'while Joe FLOUNDERS and they choose 18. How could they not hear Ninia?

-15! 15!

-'She's screaming the answer, but the Reds aren't all singing to

'the same TUNA and they're done up like a kipper.

'The wall smashed,

'and if they thought that was scary,

'they've got to face their team-mates.'

No points.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Austin, who's the smartest on your team? And I'm not talking about looks.

I think me and Jess have got a chance.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yeah.

Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

Repeat "Red lorry, yellow lorry".

What is the 23rd word? Red or yellow?

MUSIC: "Gimme Some Lovin'" by The Spencer Davis Group

What drove them to success, Jonathan?

'They have to avoid getting tongue-tied

'as they repeat "Red lorry, yellow lorry"

'until they get to the 23rd word, which is yellow.

'That's just one challenge that faced them,

'along with the explosion of language from the captain.'

Red, yellow, yellow, red, red, yellow...

'Still, while Jessica twists her tongue,

'Austin calmly leads her to the right answer.

'Was it a guess? Was it maths? Will he tell us? Back to you, Anton.'

It was so easy. All you do is, you listen to Joe and do the opposite.

Oh, don't even look at me.

-20 points!

-CHEERING

At the end of that round, the scores on the floor are...

Oh, dear. Joe's team has 18 points,

but Austin's team... Oh, so far in the lead - 52 points.

CHEERING

One more round before the teams

attempt to win £10,000 for charity by taking on...

-ECHOING VOICE:

-The grand overlord of all walls, His Most Royal Highness the Great Wall.

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

Ooh...

Came over a bit funny then.

But first it's time for the round in which anything can and probably will happen.

The impossibly fiendish...

Brace yourself. Anton's...

Ow!

LAUGHTER

Can you still move it...?

-Oh, Anton!

-..Twist.

I've spent weeks holed up in my presenter's castle, working on the walls for this.

Only the very trickiest and nastiest will do.

And today I've come up with two of the very best.

Both have tantalising twists.

So I'm offering a massive 30 points...

-AUDIENCE: Wooo!

-..to the team that gets through 'em. I know!

Joe, your team to go first.

And for you, a one-player wall that needs someone who's happy to give or take a hammering.

-Who's it going to be?

-I'm going to chuck Ninia up there.

OK, Ninia...

if could be so kind

-as to take this into the play area.

-What do I do with that?

You'll see a large and ridiculously unrealistic nail.

All you have to do is get everything in place,

and get ready to hit the nail before the wall hits you.

Oh, yes. It's hammer time.

MUSIC: "You Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh... #

Break it down!

LAUGHTER

Bring on the wall!

RUFUS: Move it around!

Turn it around this way. Make sure it's in line.

Get yourself in line...

MUSIC: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson

I can't believe it! I can't believe it!

I honestly cannot believe that I got through it!

I'm so happy!

LAUGHTER

Jonathan, how surprised are we she got through the hole?

'I think Ninia was more surprised than anyone else, Anton,

'but Ninia the ninja uses stealth and cunning, and with that hammer

'I don't think anything was going to stand in her way.

'Joe's going at it hammer and tongs from the side...'

Turn it around this way!

'But something new from Ninia -

'silence. She calmly gets nail,

'hammer and herself into position,

'and even manages to chisel the nail into the wall.'

How about I just give you maximum points? 30 points!

CHEERING

Austin, a two-player wall for your team that requires two of you

to be handcuffed together.

So, Austin, who fancies getting cuffed?

They came as a family, so I think they should play as a family.

-The Taylors.

-CHEERING

Um... Spectacles, Dennis.

Yes, definitely.

I've a sneaky feeling, Jessica, we might be going in.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-We're ready.

-Step up to the play area.

CHEERING

Bring on the wall!

One in front of the other.

Face each other! Face each other!

-Their feet are on it.

-Their feet are on the play area!

MUSIC: "Hands Up" by Ottawan

THEY ALL ARGUE

The replay will speak for itself.

If she went outside the play area, she hasn't got any points.

So let's watch the replay. Are you there, Jonathan? Jonathan! Jonathan!

Jonathan, press play!

'Calm down, Rufus. Shouting won't help you.

'The Taylors may not be family, but there is a strong link between them.

'Ideally we want them face-to-face,

'but if they want it more tricky, that's more amusing for us.

'Dennis hits the deck

'and Jessica does a pirouette into his arms

'just as the wall arrives.

'And look, Anton and Rufus,

'Jessica IS still in the play area as she passes through the wall.

Well, the rules of the game do say you have to stay in the play area,

and the wall passed her by and she was still in the play area.

-Where were her knees?

-Her knees were in the air. So a maximum 30 points!

CHEERING

Easy.

So we now know the final scores.

And in second place...

and somehow they got there, 48 points, is Joe's team.

But out in front with 82 points

and the control of the Great Wall tonight, it's Austin's team!

CHEERING

Well, the Great Wall of Hole In The Wall is a three-player, super-speed monstrosity.

It has defeated many teams, and will only give up its £10,000 for charity if all three players get through.

So, Austin, it's over to you.

You can play or pass the Great Wall, but it does like to toy with people,

so sometimes it appears to be the hardest wall you could ever imagine.

But at other times, it's easier than beating Joe at tiddlywinks.

So, if you face it and fail, the £10,000 will automatically go to Joe's team.

-Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

-What are you going to do?

Well, normally in a situation like this, as a sportsman, I would play.

But against a side that's poorly led, full of individuals

who just constantly argue with themselves, the referee

and the owner of the game... I think it's good to see people like that fail.

So, I'm going to let Joe and his "team" go for it.

You're going to learn a little lesson here about how the underdogs can dig in and be great, mon frere.

-Mon frere!

-Mon frere.

-No, Joe...

-Bonjour, bonjour.

Bonjour. Your team ready?

It's why we're the red team. We are red-y. We are red-y.

We're ready.

Step up to the play area.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This is it. Bring on the Great Wall!

No chance. Joe, just jump in.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Jonathan. Oh, please! What happened?

'Oh dear, oh dear.

'The Reds might have been ready, but they're red-faced now.

'They each should have got down in a gap.

'But Rufus decides to spice things up and lie legs akimbo.

'Joe's a bit more conventional,

'but Ninia's frozen to the spot like a rabbit caught in the headlights,

'consumed by fear...or confusion.

'And down goes Ninia, and the Blues knew it. The Reds blew it.'

-Congratulations.

-Thanks very much.

AUDIENCE: Aaah...

Aaah, isn't that nice?

LAUGHTER

She had to get wet! She had to get wet!

Well, congratulations. It was a good gamble.

Well done. Who is the money going to?

"It was only a gamble"(!) ..Dennis?

Well, I'm a patron of Action Medical Research in Northern Ireland.

-They do fantastic work for premature babies and young children, so it'll be great for them.

-Well done.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you very much, Dennis. Congratulations, Austin and your team.

Well, that's it. What a show.

We'll be back next time, but for now thanks to all our A-list walls,

our A-list holes and our...celebrities. See you soon!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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